Phillip Stephen Hendrie (born September 1, 1952, Arcadia, California) was the host of "The Phil Hendrie Show," a comedy talk radio program syndicated throughout North America on Premiere Radio Networks and on XM Satellite Radio weeknights from 7:00pm to 10:00pm Pacific time. Phil retired from radio on June 23rd, 2006, a date referred to by many listeners as "the death of radio."
- 1 Phil Hendrie
- 2 Coast to Coast AM
- 3 Guests/Characters
- 3.1 Austin Amarka
- 3.2 Ted Bell
- 3.3 Don Berman
- 3.4 Clara Bingham
- 3.5 Lloyd Bonafide
- 3.6 Steve Bosell
- 3.7 Rudy Canoza
- 3.8 R.C. Collins
- 3.9 Doug Dannger
- 3.10 Bud Dickman
- 3.11 Bobbie Dooley
- 3.12 Jeff Dowder
- 3.13 Vernon Dozier
- 3.14 Raj Fahneen
- 3.15 Margaret Gray
- 3.16 Bob Green
- 3.17 Art Griego
- 3.18 Larry Grover
- 3.19 David G. Hall
- 3.20 Paul 'Tubby' Lane
- 3.21 Hal Levolier
- 3.22 Justin McElroy
- 3.23 Father James McQuarters
- 3.24 Chris Norton
- 3.25 Pastor William Rennick
- 3.26 Dr. Jim Sadler
- 3.27 Jay Santos
- 3.28 Herb Sewell
- 3.29 Colonel Gaylan Shaw
- 3.30 Dean Wheeler
- 3.31 Harvey Wireman
- 4 Phil voicing celebrities
- 5 Non-recurring or unspecified guests/characters
- 6 Callers
- 7 Quotes used by multiple guests/characters
- You need to have the courage to say to your wife, get in there and make me some bean dip.
- Aw get a piece of fat and slide off
- That's bitchen!
- Careful Granny you might pop something
- I hope your car sails over two medians, clears all traffic, lands in a huge empty lot and bursts into flames like something out of fallback (Angry at Bob Greene for going 45 MPH in the fast lane and for making a pregnant girl miss her exit and have a miscarriage on the side of the road).
- I hope the next time you pull a stunt like that, that you lose control of your car, it goes through 3 medians and bursts into flames far away from anybody else that may be on the road (still angry at Bob Greene).
- Yeah, is this some kind of joke? (To character, when caller claims the character is a just a joke)
- If you are serious that you have breasts that weigh ten pounds a piece then I'd like to get together with you.
- I'm Grant Foster for public television - Where a hundred people work so thirty can watch.
- Do you realize that every day there's a guy gettin' fired for stuff that we do, that nobody notices because it's a funny voice doing it?
- If ever there was a show invented in the history of the world that could rightfully say, when they replay a show, "This is the best," I think it's ours.
- There's no other way to look at the war in Iraq than the way that I look at it, which is it's a totally correct move. There's no other way to look at it. It's the right thing to do, it's got nothing to do with being a republican or democrat, it's just the smartest thing we could've done.
- Two things that'll never happen in this country; two things that will never, ever, ever, ever happen in this country: Gun control and abortion being made illegal. Don't even worry about, aint gonna happen. Abortion will be legal 'til the end of time and you'll never be able to pry the gun from the cold dead fingers of any jackass who wants to own one.
- I don't know why I gotta apologize for the politics I do on my show, but I've got so many people that dig the comedy of the show, but they're so stupid when it comes to everything else, so what am I supposed to do? If you like how funny I am, you're gonna have to listen to how smart I am, too. You're just going to have to do that, because nobody can be as funny as I am without also being extremely intelligent.
- Don't ever mistake this: as much as you love that man that you're living with right now; as much as you love your boyfriend; as much as you admire the men in your life... whether you understand them or not-- and most women don't understand men, they'll tell you they do, they don't-- always remember this, that, while we all normal, healthy men would disaprove of what Gary did, crawling into an outhouse and taking pictures out through the toilet hole...... way deep down... we get it.
- Brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints
- And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. "Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!"
- The city of Seattle exists so we won't ever be completely happy in America.
- The whole MP3 thing sucks a loaaaaaad of Chinamen.
- Number 2 is Angelina Jolie...will you give it up with her too? The more I read about that woman, the less I want to...you know...yeah...see, there comes a time when a man says she's really hot but will I come away with a disease? That's my question...that's my question and I have to ask it...you know? (04/12/2006-Hour 3-While reading FHM's 100 Sexiest Women of 2006)
Coast to Coast AM
- Mmm-hmm. Fascinating.
- Is it customary for dead people to crank call?
- This is Coast to Coast Overnight AM/PM Minimart.
- But first, an exciting new product from Peenman Enterprises!
- What was that about, Ross? You are a freak, you're scaring me.
- They are on our website, www.thingsscaremeundermybed.com, just go there now...
- Well, another program proving absolutely nothing. Proving that UFOs don't exist, that there isn't an extra dimension and there are no flying saucers or little green men. Yes, another Coast to Coast AM that can't prove a freaking thing.
- If you haven't heard the news - and I have been answering e-mails and I have been online in chatrooms and I have been on a HAM radio set and I wandered out into the desert and retrieved two carrier pigeons from some friends of mine that live up in an old silver mine - everyone's talking about it.
- You know that certain things have been happening. I have had certain unexplained events near my bunker complex in Nevada and what I'm about to say to you is a culmination of all of it - the unexplained phenomenon, the migraine headaches, the voices, seeing things moving through my room at night, dark shapes forming out of the desert sand, dark broodings, mysterious noises, aliens, Area 51, anal probing.
General Johnson Jameson
- Both Hitler and Jesus cranked me.
- I'm not really a general, ya know?
- They're dusting the hot-seat off for me!
- Pigeons lie, they lie through their freakin' beaks.
- They sent the jungle rot to my crotch via the internet.
- This is highly irregular-- I thought I was talking to a frozen embryo.
- God, I'm gonna kill. I'm gonna kill slow and I'm gonna kill thoroughly.
- We only have two more days to protect our crotches and assorted genetalia.
- Goddamn the Warner Brothers to hell for giving Marvin the Martain the raygun.
- I don't know what you're laughting about, Bell, but you've laughed at me for the last time.
- I've never seen anything like it before in my life and I've worked with the CIA, KGB...I was also an Explorer Scout.
- The best thing that we can hope for is that the Earth stops spinning, then the Mir spacecraft falls on Cameron Manheim.
- I'm in Canada, obviously, because my life's been threatened directly by Al Gore. He's always hated me because I invented the Internet.
- I used to work for the Central Intelligence Agency until they dummied up some files noting that I had some sort of, as they thought, "Paranoid Schizophrenia," of course it was all them that were thinking that. They're the ones that put that into my file and had me bounced out of the CIA.
- I have to tell your listeners that Frosty the Snowman is the most frightening phenomenon of the extra dimension. You can talk about the Abominable Snowman, you can talk about UFOs, all of these things, but when Frosty looks at you with those big coal eyes of his, and he goes to work at you with that carrot nose? No sir-- no sir, no sir, no sir.
- Art Bell is full of crap.
- East of the Rockies, go away.
- West of the Rockies dial, oooh... I forget.
- And now, Coast to Coast AM/PM is on the air.
- Yes, Art Bell, one of the great cosmic freaks.
- Art hired me because I have balls the size of the Liberty Bell.
- And now it's time for Coast to Coast with Art Bell and the same sorry ABBA song.
- And now... Coast to Coast with Art Bell. I'm Ross Mitchell. I'm a former member of ABBA.
- If you're calling from South America, good for you.
- If you're calling from the North Pole, you must be Santa Claus.
- If you're calling west of the rockies, make sure you have a telephone.
- If you're using a touchtone phone, you're SOL. Only rotary calls tonight.
- If you're calling from...oh, if you're just calling, here's the number: 1-800-ART.
- If you're calling from west of the Rockies... I told you not to, didn't I? Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?
- For all of you assholes calling from west of the Rockies, which includes Boston and the United Kingdom, dial...
- For all of you assholes calling from east of the Rockies, which includes Peru and California, dial...
- West of the Rockies, don't bother. East of the Rockies... okay. South of the Rockies, north of the Rockies... under the Rockies...... whatever.
- To call Art Bell, you first have to have phone service in your cabin... and remember the Art Bell Show doesn't accept phone calls from phones that you have to crank.
- To call Art: West of the Rockies, just pick up your phone and dial "Art"; East of the Rockies, dial "Bell"; South of the Rockies... well that would be Mexico, wouldn't it?
- For those of you calling from Madagascar or Bakersfield, that number again 1-800-520-1534 that number once again 1-213-427-7266 that number once again 1-213-427...7...uh...uh...3...I forget...
- And I'm Ross Mitchell. I quit. This has been Coast to Coast with Art Bell... trying to prove that little people live in the middle of a hurricane. Je-eeee-sus!
Art: You are a real sack of garbage.
Gen. Jameson: Thank you, my work continues.
Art: General Jameson, again it's always been wonderful having you on, you're a freak case.
Gen. Jameson: Thanks, Art, what-- what, you're normal? Jesus, well aint that the pot callin' the kettle black.
Art: General Jameson, you'll have to pardon me, but I was drinking some of the goblin juice you sent me via the mail, and, uh..
Gen. Jameson: Did it make you invisible?
Art: I'm... I'm fascinated, let me just put it that way General Jameson.
Art: This is going to be an undertaking that is unprecedented and I want to make sure that people are here for, they can look at my website, at w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w--
Gen. Jameson: I think he's stuck.
Art: W-w-- oh, thank you. Ramona just hit me in the face with a sap.
Gen. Jameson: They've been able to decipher images of Cupid in the 6th Dimension, as well as Bigfoot and, uh, I believe Jim Morrison's in there, now, as well so, uh, and some car keys I lost last year are there, so there's a lot of stuff there in the 6th Dimension.
Art: Your car keys?
Gen. Jameson: Yes, they're now in the 6th Dimension. They've gotta be, 'cause I can't find them anywhere... and some socks and things like that.
Art: But first this word from Peenman Enterprises. Now, friends--
Gen. Jameson: Why do you gotta take a commercial now? I'm right in the middle of my thing.
Art: I have a word from Peenman Enterprises.
Gen. Jameson: You always take commercials at the weirdest time... like at the start of your show... how 'bout gettin' into the show instead of-- "and now, a commercial...?" GOOOOD...!! God I hate you!
Art: He gave you photographs of the words, "Have you got a match? Yes, my butt and your face"?
Gen. Jameson: That is correct.
Art: You don't know what that means?
Gen. Jameson: No, sir, I don't. You-- are you telling me you do?
Art: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Gen. Jameson: What does it mean?
Art: Have you got a match, as in, have you got a light?
Gen. Jameson: Okay, have you got a light.
Art: Yes, I do have a match: my butt and your face.
Gen. Jameson: ......I'm sorry.
Art: General Jameson, it seems very clear to me, sir.
Gen. Jameson: Well I'm sorry, Art, I don't have your tactical ability with language, I'm a scientist; I break things down in rudimentary form, as well as the diagonal, uhh, vicissitude.
Gen. Jameson: Art, can I ask you a question?
Art: Yes, go right ahead.
Gen. Jameson: Would you turn that God-awful disco music...I-I don't even know why you play that on your show.
Art: Mmm-hmm. That's fascinating.
Gen. Jameson: Well, whaddaya-I don't know what's fascinating about that. Just turn the music down.
Gen. Jameson: How is your rocketship powered?
Art: By potatos.
Gen. Jameson: Mmm-hmm. Fascinating.
Art: Where will the Mir debris fall?
Gen. Jameson: Well, if the Earth stops spinning, then the debris will fall someplace other than where its going to fall.
Art: Ah I see.
Gen. Jameson: There ya go.
Gen. Jameson: Now, with the Mars Orbiter, obviously something happened
Art: Did what happen...happen?
Gen. Jameson: Yes it did.
Art: Fascinating. Fascinating. Fascinating. And the government won't tell us what happened?
Gen. Jameson: I've been on the phone all afternoon trying to call Tip O'Neil, President Clinton and President Nixon, and none of them have returned my calls because they know that I know what they know.
Art: UUURP Sorry, the fourth letter is...
Gen. Jameson: Oh, that was nice.
Art: Well, I'm sorry. I had a cobb salad from Cheesecake Factory earlier.
Gen. Jameson: I thought you were off the grid. I didn't think you were eating restaurant food anymore.
Art: Well, I'm off the grid in terms of gas and electricity, but I still love a Denny's Grand Slam. Whaddaya...do I look crazy? Do I look Communist?
Gen. Jameson: Not at all...
Art: Gen. Jameson:
- How 'bout a gut check and a neck snap?
- What happens if I give you a boot to the head and counter-act that with a block-and-roll?
- What about a high left, kick fake to the right chop and a power-right fist? Man, you are dead, dead, dead.
- (said repeatedly) I'm Ted Bell.
- Ohhhhhhh. I'm an A-hole...
- How could you let that Kraut on?
- I'm Ted Bell, I make rules, I don't follow rules.
- Ma'am, simple question: How do you take your meat?
- Hey, come watch football with us in our Prime Rib Room!
- Kelly is 16 and she knows solar systems that I don't know.
- Getting diarrhea from a steak is like savoring the finish on a wine.
- Phil, you told me if I got a radio show, I'd get more ass than a rental car.
- Its a Ted with a little Sirley Temple on top. You get it? Its me with Shirley Temple on...
- I had a guy yesterday pull into the restaurant in a Ford Escort. You want me to valet that?
- Okay, that does it: You are out of Ted's of Beverly Hills, you'll never get a seat in my place.
- I'm Ted Bell. And you go straight to the place where the Devil lives and has sex and makes little Devils.
- My name is Ted Bell, its an Anglo-Saxon name...not Persian, m'kay? You understand? Not Arabian.
- No father alive can keep me away from his daughter once I've set my sights on her and want to be friends with her.
- If you hang up on me again, Phil, you'll see exactly what an Austrain village square looks like...from an aerial perspective.
- (After not paying attention to the caller) I'm sorry, Phil, I've got an emergency. We have a baked potato festival coming up on Sunday.
- Phil, I have a private jet. He's standing there telling this girl he flies first class... I'm Ted Bell. I have a private jet. He's not impressing anybody.
- (On why rich people should be exempt from security)You know that Atta guy? He wasn't sitting in first class okay? Just before he cooked that airplane into the World Trade Center, he wasn't having a Momosa and a bagel with cream cheese, okay?
- I'm offering people an opportunity to ride in my Z3 - weekends only - I'll give you a ride around Beverly Hills, I'll pull up in front of some of the stores on Rodeo and give people the impression you can afford to shop there, at $200 an hour.
- C'mon down to Ted's of Beverly Hills Steakhouse, I want to tell you its a very classy experience; we'd like you to wear a suitcoat if you wouldn't mind. We have had a high incidence of cardigan sweaters. Please look like you belong in our restaurant when you come to our restaurant, we'll give you a great steak...
Phil: (Reading ad copy) Don't forget to get a Ted. Its a rum and Coke, but Ted invented it.
Restaurant Jingle: Ted's!... Of Beverly Hills... Steak House, come on down! Here at Ted's... we want to put our meat in your mouth! (FCC-induced "sanitized" version of the jingle bleeps out "mouth.")
Phil: It makes it sound like you're saying people who listen to talk radio don't know how to wash their hands.
Ted: I-I don't know if that's true, Phil; I don't know if it isn't.
Ted: Do you wash your hands before you have a Dollyburger?
Caller: *pause* Now, look, see...
Ted: See, Phil? She's not answering right away and that concerns me. Do you wipe, ma'am?
Caller: I don't go around saying, "I'm Leah Jones I make the rules..."
Ted: You-you make balloons?
Phil: You're beginning to sound a little entitled here, Ted.
Ted: Phil, I'm not entitled, I'm Ted Bell. I own two restaurants. I earn a very high income. I'm Ted Bell!
Phil: The last woman from Indianapolis, you said you wanted to go to her house and hike her skirt over her hips. Now, you're saying this girl's got to have sex with you...
Caller: Yeah, like, what is this?
Ted: Phil, its a quarter 'till six; I gotta line something up, okay?
Caller: Everybody does not have money, every...
Phil: What was that?! What happened?!
Ted: Hold on, lemmie...Oh my God. Someone just pulled up in a Ford Ranger truck.
Phil: What happened now?
Ted: Somebody thought the peach cobbler was a gay shoemaker.
Female caller: I would never pay to have sex.
Ted: You would never pay to have sex with my wife?
Female caller: With anyone.
Ted: Where are you from? India?
Female caller: Nope
Ted: You sound hot.
Female caller: I'm from Pakistan.
Ted: You do. You sound hot. You're packin' some heat. You're a little Paki packing heat
Little Boy Caller: Well if you're meat is as good as you say it is, it sounds like its good eating late at night!
Ted: (Short Pause) Truer words were never spoke.
- It is necessary for me to drink and drive.
Phil: You ran over two dead bodies...
Don: Yes, and can I underline the word 'dead?' I didn't kill anyone.
Phil: Okay, you say you pulled up, your car fishtailed, and you ran over the two body bags?
Don: Yeah, so? What about it?
- Phil, there is not one conservative negro.
- Trent Lott is an unreconstructed cracka'.
- Do you know how much a black man has to drink to sleep with Reba McEntire?
- I have to tell you this- listening to you for the last ten minutes, I have the desire to pull my underwear off and jam them in your mouth.
- The Wiccan Religion stabs a chicken like a football....
(Clara was asked to give up her bus seat for a white man)
Phil: But, it was a handicapped seat that someone needed...
Clara: I don't care, Phil, if it was a handicapped man. I don't care if it was a man on a pallet board with no legs. I don't care if it was someone whose colostomy bag was leaking. You do not tell a black woman to move off a bus seat no more, not in America. You can do that in China. You can do that in Tasmania or some parts of Estonia. You can do it in Scotland. You can do it in Guatemala. Not in America.
- Sir I'm driving 26,000 pounds of Detroit Steel.
- Okay, That tears it!
- Rrrryyaaahh! I'm off of hold again.
- That's right, we'd sodomize a man.
- You know what? You burn me up more than a baseball-sized hemorrhoid.
- Don't tell me about impulse control, sir. How much impulse control should I have when a million Chinese are coming over a hill after me.
- You know, it's almost worth it to me to go out and commit spree killings so that when I die I can go to Hell and watch the Devil roast you.
- It's almost worth it to me to go out and set fire to an orphanage so that God damns me to Hell so I can have a front row seat as they cook you like a hot nut.
- I did three years in the Korean War, sir.
- I was up to my neck in Mr. Spock haircuts.
- I was up to my eyebrows in bowl haircuts.
- You know, both of you guys can drop down, 4th ring and cook.
- I will tear your eyes out and I will have sex with your skull.
- You tell 'em hard on.
- I gotta rock, I gotta rock, good sweet Christ do I gotta rock.
- What do you think of me fighting my way off the hold button?
- My daddy put a gun to my head, I did it to my son and he does it to his.
- Buddy, you put your hands on me and you'll pull back two bloody stumps.
- Yo, dawg, I gotta rock my nizzle. That's hot, as Paris Hilton would say.
- Sorry I wasn't breaking bread with the President, I was up to my neck in bowl haircuts.
- I find it interesting that a woman whose parent named her after a Star Wars character...
- What's this Canadian doin' on the phone, okay, they haven't launched anything higher than a balloon.
- I didn't fight in Korea just for me to come and have them kick me in the groin with a bunless hamburger.
- I'm sorry that I threw a cat at a man's head, but he tossed me a bone, and a man doesn't do that to a Korean War veteran.
- I just let this surf freak-- I just let this beach bum here know: he ever grabs a phone out of my hands and he'll come back with just a wrist. No hand, just a wrist.
- I hope that when you die the Devil has got the gate open for you, doesn't even worry about checkin' with God on that one. I don't think the Devil should check with God. I think he should just know the gate should be open.
- You don't put a Chinaman in front of a Korean War Veteran and expect him to stay calm and collected.
- I fought in Korea so you can sit there, looking at yourself with no underwear on.
- You turd in a muffler and a cheap hat!
- Sitting in the carseat like a little miniature Winston Churchill is his little fat, bald kid - you might as well put a cigar in his puss - and he's in the carpool lane, Mr. Hendrie, and the kid don't drive; that's the point I'm trying to make.
- See, Steelworth, he can't wait to see me foaming at the mouth and barking at the moon, as he's one of these W-W-2 boys, and he's got a Japanese carbine rifle that he pulled off a dead Jap, and he'd love to plug me right between the eyes. Well guess what? His cat already did it!
Lloyd: Okay, here it is.
Phil: What is it?
Lloyd: I'm going to slit my wrists with an electric can opener.
- Step on a crack!
- Kiss my bright red rosie.
- I wanna be the King of America!
- I wanna be the King of the Candy Castle!
Lloyd: Alright, now, I wanna jump in--
Phil: Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on, wait a second, hold on--
Lloyd: I wanna jump in and say something right now.
Phil: Wait a minute, how-- I thought-- you were on hold.
Lloyd I fought my way out of hold... See, that's the kind of soldier-- I can fight my way out of a hold button.
Caller: You went from a sailor to a soldier.
Lloyd: Let me tell you something right--
Phil: What do you mean you fought your way out of hold? I had you on hold!
Lloyd: And I fought my way out.
- I was sleep-raped.
- Are you calling me a pussy?
- Ma'am have you ever taken one off the chin?
- Has somebody been working in your backyard?
- You don't know combat 'til crap runs down your leg.
- (To veteran) Do-do you watch reruns of China Beach?
- You know something? I'm sorry that you didn't get raped.
- Oh, now I get it. You think I was battling my pony, now is it?
- I'll say it right now to your face that the Pope's a damn butt pirate.
- She's got a cheap cell phone and the host left and now I'm all alone. sigh
- The next time you meet a guy online, make sure you send a picture of how fat you are...
- (referring to Cupids) The small babies that can hurt you? I don't know, I'm not familiar.
- We're hoping to get car washes to put up a sign that says, "THIS CAR WASH CAN CAUSE FEAR."
- I'd like to say Roy Rogers would've given up Trigger for the western wedding outfit I had on.
- Ma'am, does your e-mail carry a...able to carry a big enough file to fit a picture of you in it?
- Oh, okay, so sticking my head in the oven isn't bad enough, you guys want me to turn it up to broil.
- You've got three people dirt nappin' because of the Mark of The Beast and I'm insane? J-Jesus, what a stupid bitch.
- I think its a disgrace that Mr. Gibbons is using our handsome Almighty Lord to win himself a People's Choice Award or whatever.
- Who do you think deserves a purple heart, your daddy for gettin' a box on him or me for takin' a paintball off the gonad sack?!
- (About an overweight woman) What came through the door that night at the Applebee's in Knoxville, Tennessee was big enough to scare me.
- She has not won a case yet for me and we've sued, probably, in the last three years... several hundred people, but this one-- god, I feel so good about it.
- Uh, Brandy, it sounds like you're giving me alot of crap and yet somebody wrote a song about you. You heard of that? Yeah? Well, you don't deserve it; you don't deserve it at all.
- We're going to give the Catholic Church a wake-up call when Steve Bosell gets probed in the butt, they're gonna wish they get into another religion, maybe become Jewish or something.
- The Altadena Dairy Corporation of America needs to make it known that they're making a sharp Vermont chedder than makes people bleed from the butt and think they've been sleep-raped.
- I'm also suing for emotional kidnapping because when she yelled, "Get the g-d car out of there", it kidnapped my son's good feeling for me and replace it with my son thinking I'm a pussy.
- At my church that's what they say, "Today, we offer our condolences to the Berger family; they rolled a three. Its very sad and tr-tragic, but that's what happens when you don't wear a seatbelt."
- (On kids' Halloween police costumes) Its dark. Its night. You see lights. They bounce off the badge. You think its for real. They wear the hat that looks just like the kind on "Car 54, Where Are You?" or whatever and the black pants...this is what I'm afraid of.
- (About Jay Leno) He's a strange man. He's a strange man with strange cars. He'll dri-drive down the street waving at you behind the wheel of a Stanley Steamer. He-he's a-a strange man.
- (To caller) Let me ask you, didn't you find Jesus at the Last Supper in the Passion of the Jesus to be very hot an-and sexy?
- Helluva thing in a man's life when you're all crippled up, can't take your babygirl out there on the dance floor there at the gymnasium. I can hear the song now..."Oops, I did it again..." (sobs) Goddang it!
- I dont know if you've ever seen a coyote, but let me tell ya, its hard to hold your mud.
Phil: "You crapped in your pants?"
Steve: "'Crap' is not really the word for it; crap is solid."
Phil: You think the Knights of Columbus is a front for NAMBLA?
Phil: "Alright, who are you suing?"
Steve: "Well, you say that in a sarcastic way..."
Phil: "C'mon, who are you suing, 'cause I know you must be suing somebody."
Steve: "You assume I'm suing someone?"
Phil: "Are you?"
Steve: "*pause* I am, yeah, but you assume..."
Phil: "Alright, who are you suing?"
Steve: "Well, right now I'm suing Blast-Off Entertainment, they're the ones that provided the fireworks, and Corona Community College. Also directors Oliver Stone and Steven Spielburg. Also, my attorney is planning on suing the Hanes Corporation. I lost control of my bowels and the Hanes underwear I was wearing failed to keep it in. I'm also considering a lawsuit against the Del Taco Corporation for serving me food that came out as diarrhea, otherwise if it came out better, then the Hanes could've kept it in. Also, the Corona Community College Parking Administration. We had to walk a quarter of a mile away from the grandstand area, so as we walked back, there was a diarrhea trail leading behind me and little kids laughed at me. Also, my wife; I was very distressed and needed a hug. She wasn't supportive of me..."
Phil: "She didn't give you a...well, you probably smelled like crap."
Steve: "She wasn't there for me."
Caller: I think you are one sick puppy.
Steve: Yeah, 'cause I go fishing with a Catholic...you're damn right.
Caller: I don't think you know very much about the Catholic religion.
Steve: Hey, I'm the one with the blood coming out of my butt.
Steve: (referring to a check containing the numbers '666') I say to other guys, if you want to bank at the local branch of Bank...First Bank of Satan, then go right ahead, be my guest. Bu-but I won't. I-I'm not. It sure ain't FLIC if you know what I mean.
Phil: (chuckle) You mean FDIC?
Steve: You think this is funny?
Phil: With the money you're paying this attorney, you could stay at a Courtyard Marriot
Steve: D-Do they let you use hotplates there?
Phil: Did you say you're in church tonight?
Steve: Yes, sir I am.
Phil: Are you in mass?
Steve: No, sir I-I'm not. They're having an ovena right now and I- I'm just coming in here to look around. I'm not Catholic but I'm thinkin' about becoming a Catholic an-and such.
Phil: And you're in church? I'm hearing...what's going on there?
Steve: They're...there's like a kid with a drum and there might be some kind of a funeral or something I dunno what but they ain't stopped ringing these bells. Drivin' me out of my mind. The only thing I don't wanna be about being Catholic is about ringin' these bells...you wake up with a steaming hangover and hear these bells on Sunday morning...ma-make you want to commit homicide.
Caller: Mr. Beezil, you sound like a very insecure man...
Steve: Yeah, an-and you messed up my name.
Phil: You see how stupid you sound?
Steve: No, sir, I do not.
Phil: You puttin' me on?
Steve: What did the hat say to the man?
Phil: Are you putting me on?
Steve: Did she hang up
Phil: Yeah, she hung up! What was that about?
Steve: Damnit, I wanted to get that line in about her son not being able to read.
Caller: Man, you get on national air and say how you burned your little wee-wee and your butt's in the air. Now, that's the worst thing you can do 'cause know everybody knows that you're a 'mo.
Steve: Sir, may I ask you a personal question? I mean no offense by it. You sound like a gentleman of color.
Caller: I am...
Steve: (pause) I-I didn't know ya'll were on sailboats now...
Caller: You were on a powerboat? Powerboats don't go down.
Steve: Heard of the Titanic? I think that was under power...
Caller: That hit an iceberg. You lookin' for icebergs out there in Newport Harbor?
Steve: I-I have safety concerns. Icebergs i-in Newport Harbor? I don-don't know that...
Steve: Did you son have to-to go through rabies treatment for being bit by a rat?
Caller: No, sir, we don't live in the slums.
Caller: Did you ever look at her parents?
Phil: That's a really good point. If you want to know what a woman's going to look like, look at her mother.
Steve: What does that have to do-I'm not going to have sex with her mother. Oh my God...oh my GOD!
- The only way that you can save your soul is to go to the Vatican and shag the Pope.
- She is a la la la liar!
- Semper Fi!
- Great show as always!
- Uh, let me think...NOT!
- Goddamn! That's so disguszoid!
- I'm psycho, and so are my bros.
- I'm sittin' here backed up and blue.
- When it gets tough, I go to the rifle!
- You can't expose me to the gayability.
- Basic training just rolls off my knife!
- You mess with the best, you die like the rest!
- (To caller with deep voice) Are you Johnny Cash?
- Which word would you die for, freedom or poontang?
- I got thrown out of the Cub Scouts. I ate a brownie.
- When I go to Iraq I'll be a one-man killing machine.
- Tell me where it says "Bone Smoker" in the Constitution.
- This girl sounds like her tubes are tying themselves together.
- You're just one more son of a bitch in a long line of son of bitches!
- Freedom's important, but if I'm gonna die for a word, my word is poon-tang.
- I've had my butt kicked six ways of sunset and I'm gonna call that guy 'sir'?
- (To caller) Don't you think being a Weebloe will encourage a kid to bone-smoke?
- You don't know what its like to have a plastic ball in your sack. Yeah. Check that out!
- Gay Boy Scouts simply means the opening of the door of opportunity to gays in the Boy Scouts.
- (on James Doohan having a baby at 80 years old) We're taking odds on whether the kid's Mongo or not!
- I think a Marine that went to Iraq should be allowed to have a beer, because of what you've seen!
- You take a kid that has Playstation 2, a RAZR scooter, DVD players, his own computer...what a candyass.
- You went to Tijuana to see the donkey show! Why don't you back me up instead of pretending you're all outraged!
- Hey did your [Iraq soldier] husband say he bayoneted nobody? ... It's a pretty sure bet he almost bayonetted someone.
- I'm ready to eat my guts for my country and for civilians like you, and you call me a disgrace? Boy, that tears it!
- Any woman that bumps into a guy must be tryin' him on for size, and let me tell ya something, I make a very tight fit.
- A face on her that'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
- We're ooh-rah. We're ready to fight and die for this country. But first, we want to smoke dope and shoot heroin.
- The biggest difference between sleeping with a girl and guy are the boobs - they're generally larger on a girl person.
- Britney Spears got those ta-tas, man, bodacious as all get out, lookin' fine, butt's real nice, and I'm not even supposed to be grippin' the pony on Main Street.
- (On gays in the Boy Scouts) If they're successful in turning kids gay, there won't be no sex that makes kids and there won't be no kids left; that's something we got to look at as the future of the country.
R.C.: They should change the Girl Scouts to Weebloes so I can get some...
Caller: You don't even know any gay people.
R.C.: Well, I don't need to know Adolf Hitler to know that guy's gas bill was run up pretty high.
Phil: I have to teach you manners. The guy is talking. Why would anyone want to call you 'sir'? I don't care if you are suffering from renal kidney failure...
R.C.: And I have one nut.
Phil: And you have one nut...
R.C.: One thing I don't like about my character is that you have me only have one nut!
Harvey Wireman: Yeah, you made him a uniball!
(Taking a survey)
R.C.: Gay or straight?
Caller: In between.
R.C.: Okay, asexual. Don't get laid much?
Caller: Do you know how many females we've lost in combat?
R.C.: The one that we lost, she got a flat tire or something and killed everybody, and the other one...she was getting her hair done or something...
Phil: Wait...What is this?
Phil: Why are you playing Taps?
R.C.: For the death of your show. This lady just killed it.
Caller: My mother taught me more than any Escalade, any Atari game, she done taught me the value of life...
R.C.: Did she tell you the proper use of a preposition?
- I'm gay.
- You know I'm gay?
- I could be a gay James Bond.
- I'm a gay man and a gay journalist.
- I frolicked out of the closet and found my Gay Eye.
- (Sir, would you put your cigarette out?) I'm gay. Now do you want me to put it out?
- They wanna enable Marc Cherry and the coven of gays that infest the offices of ABC.
- If I get my name on a Desperate Housewives show, it says, "Doug Dannger, comma, gay."
- I wanna get right up into an insurgeants nest and watch as the bullets seer through their faces... through the back of their heads and through another guys face.
- You know what? I'll kick her ass around the block for drill and her husband, too, then I'll knock down the back door, kick her doberman pinscher in the teeth and have her cook me an omelette.
- If you don't want to see people flopping around like fish in the aisles and out on the sticky floors of these movie theaters, then I would suggest that people start doing what we tell them to do as film critics.
- I bought a candy bar from the mongoloid here at the airport and I'll convert to being a Presbyterian if I can get a crop duster out of here.
Caller: I weigh 265 pounds and I'll bust you right in the damn mouth.
Doug: So you're 265 pounds of donut oil, good for you.
Phil: If Mr. Cherry is indeed "gay," and this is not public knowledge, then I become a party to the slander, an--
Doug: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hol-- WHOA, hol-- you're talkin' to a journalist-- a gay ma-- a gay journalist, alright? I know the slander laws inside-and-out; slander has to be untrue... and, I'll tell you right now: If Marc Cherry isn't gay, then I will-- I'll kiss a peterbilt truck, standin' still while it's comin' at me at 45. Forty-five to 50 miles an hour. I will stand in the middle of Wilshire with my lips out, just, "MEEHH," as the thing hits me full on. I'll tell ya right now... he is gay, he's not as gay as I am, and I'll tell ya why--
Phil: What do you mean, "He's not as gay as you are?"
Doug: He's not as gay as I am 'cause I'm out, he's not. I'm more fully gay.
- We ain't like no show on the KY-Jelly!
- Oh, no, not the face, Phil. I have a photo shoot for Campbell's Soup this afternoon!
- Do you think there's a sign where the chickens live that says, "Don't choke the chicken" ?
- "You know, they should make a wax statue of you and put you next to Carrol Channing at the Wax Museum" -Bud Dickman (Talking to Phil, Dec 15, 2004 Hour 3)
Phil: ...which will fecal... feachel...
Bud: God, talk much? You said a bad word.
Phil: I didn't say a bad word! Now what is that? You gonna call up...? Yeah.
Music begins to play
Phil: What is that!?
Bud: That's his theme music.
Phil: That's the freakin' Olympic theme, you turd! God, you're gonna get me fired!
Phil: You know what, I oughta kick your rear end around the block for drill for what you did to me. You almost strangled me to death!
Bud: That's right, you wanna piece of me?
Bud: You wanna piece of me again?
Phil: Come at me.
Phil and Bud begin fighting for about 14 seconds
Phil: Come here, Bud.
Phil: So, why do you think truckers are always over there on the right-hand lane? Bud, any guesses?
Bud: Um...to see the billboards better so they know what to buy?
- I don't understand.
- Mmmm-hmmm.... (repeatedly - and loudly - said while a caller speaks, much to their chagrin)
- Are you for real?
- Sweet Christ on a sled!
- Sweet Christ in a carseat!
- Woman up. Butch up. (deep man voice) JESUS.
- Phil, this is character assasination.
- You can go straight to the living hell.
- Phil, children are getting chopped uuuuup.
- Do your daughters wax? Do they Playboy wax?
- If you were here, you wouldn't have any eyes left.
- (to her friend) See, you can look thin even though you're not.
- (arguing with a caller) No, you're a liar. Liar. I hate you so deeply.
- I'm very hip, I'm very "now". I get it- I'm "with it", the kids think I'm cool.
- I'll tell you what, when you're me, you give me a call. Until then, you're not me.
- If my uncle had wheels and pedals, he’d be a bicycle. We really can’t engage in "if"s.
- (referring to her friend's hairy children) Phil, it looked like Playground of the Apes.
- Honey, try wearing a thong. Then you don't have to worry about all those panty lines.
- My father worked in the circus. He was a circus clown. And my mother was a prostitute.
- Oh, you're sitting there staring at your cheaply manicured nails in your Ford Taurus...
- How are you going to feel when your daughter's hair is being used to stuff some pervert's pillow?
- You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your bad shoes? You look like a ruuube.
- You don’t park a group of retards near a road and expect them not to be nailed by a flying Dodge Durango.
- I told her to sit down and shut her mouth. Phil, she's my best friend and I feel I can be direct with her.
- Its almost like walking up to Adolf Hitler if you're Jewish and saying, "nice moustache." You're just asking for it.
- (About making love with her husband) We sang Onward Christian Soldier, Phil, he took me like a virgin at the prison rodeo.
- (to a caller) If you were here right now I'd have to drop you. I dropped that woman at the Homeowner's Association meeting and I'll do the same to you. What's your address?
- Phil, I was standing there in a bannana-yellow pantsuit, watching this child dancing around me, laughing like a fool, and I was thinking, are you for real? I felt like I was in a Bergman film about idiot children.
- Phil, her husband is a bit of a loser. (drops her voice) Can I tell you something? Her husband is black. They have a child together, this child has black skin and flaming red hair, like Bozo the Clown. He scares people, he frightens the other children.
- Some women are married to losers. I guess I just got lucky when I met Steve, I just got lucky. I see some of these women with their husbands in the grocery store and I have to laugh. I mean, imagine choosing him over living in a 150-home gated community. I just have to laugh.
- A long time ago, before I really pulled my life together, I was a prostitue; I got involved in a lot of dangerous things. One of them was a nightly Russian Roulette game, and we thought it was fun, we were coked out of our minds, we drank a lot, I was the champ-- for a solid year I played Russian Roulette. Did you ever see Deer Hunter with Christopher Walken? That's what I looked like.
- I walked in the back door and saw Amanda, my daughter, with a piece of chocholate cake and shoving it from the palm of her hand into her mouth, and...and I had been outside raking leaves, and i hit her with the rake and knocked it out of her hand and said "How Dare You?" Thats how much I love her. Thats really how much I love her.
Are you for real? Well honey I'm as real, as real can get.
- If you're on a luxury cruise ship, and a gentleman passenger commits suicide and jumps off the ship - he didn't fall off, he didn't slip, he didn't trip, it wasn't an accident - he purposely jumped off the side of the cruise ship with the sole intention of ending his life by suicide, do you bring the ship to a dead stop, reverse the screws as they like to say - back up that ship and search for that man, even if it means inconveniencing passengers who had their hearts set on the Dutch Antillies?
Steve: I've got the Western Estates police chief in my back packet. I give him a discount on lawn care.
Bobbie: That's right, what do you think you're going to do?
Caller: I'm going to do something about it, I'll tell you...
Bobbie: Cheryl, you think you're so smart in your Ann Taylor real estate uniform and your bad pumps, you know nothing about California...oh she hangs up. What a slut.
Bobbie: You're standing on the tracks waiting for the Super Chief to hit you if you stare at a celebrity.
Caller: Uh, heh-heh, the Super Chief hasn't run in years, so...
Bobbie: Oh? Were you a porter? Were you the one walking around with a bowl of Cream of Wheat?
Bobbie: Now, Marge, you said you were called ‘fatso’ as a kid…
Caller: Oh, yes.
Bobbie: Did they call you ‘Marge the barge’
Caller: Oh, of course
Bobbie: Well, there you go, see? And its funny. And it feels good. You’re just pissed because you have to buy two airline tickets.
- Oh, you gonna tell me you can't clone off Jesus now?
- Chinamen are really good at ping pong because of their horizontal sight, they see the whole net.
- I did a little promo work for a show called Africa Nowwwwwww...that's how they have me say it.
- Phil, I've been listening to you badgering me for the past two years and I just have to ask you, do you want me to buy my own Vasaline and spread it, too?
- (about Chinese eyes) I'm talking about the fact they have slits for eyes, man, all they see is net... their vertical vision is about an inch, but their horizontal vision-- it goes on and on and on, and on and on, and there's science to prove on it, too. For instance, you and me, we look at the world basically television shape, okay, the Chinese look at it: letterbox!
- That's bitchin.
- What in the hell are you talkin about?
- I ain't yellow.
- Get in there and make me some bean dip!
- The guy owes me $6.80 for a footlong tuna with extra pickle
- Both of you gentleman can go straight down to the hot spot.
- And I suppose you’re an expert from watching F-Troop, I gather?
- If you were in my class I'd put you in the corner for sounding like Porky Ding-dang Pig.
- Mr. Hendrie, you call me an idiot one more time and you better smile when you say that.
- Even if you're a blind guy who wants to be clean, you're gonna miss the toilet someday, ya know?
- You know how they separate the men from the boys in Greece, Phil? With a crowbar. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…
- All you need to know about America is we invented the A-Bomb, and let me tell you what, if I had a...ooooh...
- All a bird does is sit in that cage and stares at itself in the mirror all day, now that's pretty egotisical.
- (To caller with Southern accent) Let me ask you something, how are things up there in Cold Mountain?
- I wonder how much of an animal lover you'd be if you had a parrot sitting at your house calling you a bulldyke.
- Go straight to the Third Ring, fouth pit over, we'll go ahead and get a big igniter for ya as soon as we free up one of the demons.
- We have found that religion only turns people dumb. For instance, in Mexico, there's a whole lotta Catholics and there's a whole lotta dumb.
- Why am I sitting here about to get eight million volts through my body? Why am I that black guy on The Green Mile with no water in the sponge?
- Hey, I’m going to ask that girl to marry me, get her over to my apartment in Tarzana, do the do and the funky chicken too, and then tomorrow morning we’re off to Monterrey.
- Not only can I touch your car, but I can take a lathe, an acetylene torch, a pair of pliers, and a ball tine hammer and have that in about 150 different pieces in fifteen minutes; that’s how gooooood I am.
- (performing his dancing moves) Now, you move very delicately, do a little bit of a flutter kick, now, what that is I lift up my right leg and kind of flutter it at the judges, then I do a little spin, I lay out and show the blouse, press my lips, squint my eyes, spin and turn. Now, I do what's called "Working the Pants."
Vernon: I don't think your mother knew how to read, okay?
Caller: No, yours may not knew how to read, but that's your problem.
Vernon: (incredulous) Not knew how to read??
Caller: Your mother couldn't read and you had to go to school and be taught how to read.
Vernon: Do you sign your name, or do you "make your mark?"
Caller: Now, if you're wantin' to cry and crybaby-
Vernon: Hey, when you sign a document, there on that bill-a ladin' , I bet you put a big X.
Caller: -Now, when you're cryin' out here you get off your, like I said, you get off your lazy can, you study yer another career, and you get busy with it.
Vernon: This guy's tryin' to chap my hide.
Caller: I-- ya know... I put 32 years in the Military.
Vernon: ...In a mental institution?
Caller: No, military!
Vernon: Well, I don't understand.
Caller: You don't know what the military is?
Vernon: I don't understand how they let a guy like you in.
Caller: A bird has a heart.
Vernon: Now, when you're saying it has a heart, are you speaking of how like Ray Charles had a heart, how he sang...?
Phil: You threw a parrot into a garbage truck and put the phone up to it as the metal smashed. You're sick and twisted.
Vernon: And my ex-wife heard it, and you know what she said? "That doesn't bother me, ha-ha-ha."
Phil: Well, you both are sick, twisted freaks then!
Vernon: Can I get one of those Bobbie Dooley T-shirts for my wife, beca...
Caller: Where did you get your education? I want to know so I can tell my friends never to attend a university like that, so...
Vernon: Okay. Let your friends know never to go to this university...Harvard.
Caller: Mr. Grant, I listen to what you say on the radio...
Vernon: Are you talking to me?
Caller: I’m talking to you, yes…
Vernon: Okay, my name is ‘’Dozier’’. I don’t know where you’re getting this…
Caller: Okay, okay, allright Mr. ‘’Dozier’’
Vernon: What, you want…you want me to call you…Lou?
Vernon: Hey, Sarah, don’t forget to put on your stridex pads before you go to bed.
Caller: I wear tampons…
Vernon: Uh, excuse me, a stridex pad is for the face. What an idiot! Its for pimples, you…dunce. Its for pimples and this dumbass wants to stick it…ugh…
Vernon Dozier's rendition of Johnny Cash's hit 'When a Mexican Runs a Man Down, Who Pays?'
When a Mexican runs a man down, who pays?
Oh, when the Mexican run a man down, who-oo pays?
Late last night, saw a Mexican run.
I feel good.
How 'bout you?
- Please shut your mouth.
- Do you super-size?
- Koreans are the ones that have a hard-on for everyone.
- Everytime I turn around there's an American waddling into a Rallys.
- The Asian people feed the Blacks pork food so they can beat them in war.
- I know the essential rule of the Constitution of Egypt, which is: Keep your mouth shut, do your job and just keep your mouth shut.
Singing his song about America:
Saw an American, four Big Macs,
stuck 'em in his face and that's a fact.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh.
Well, I got a burrito at Taco Bell,
I'll eat it 'til I pop, come Heaven or Hell.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh
Well, I am an American, I super-size,
yes, I'll have another 10-pound box of fries.
oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh
All Americans are big fat hogs,
they eat a Big Mac and shoot out a log.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh
Raj: The Americans, they do not know about their own Constitution. Most of them could not tell you what the Bill of Rights is. But ask the American piggy where the McDonald's is and he can tell you. Ask him what the #2 is at McDonald's and he can tell you.
Phil: Isn't it the cheeseburger?
Raj: See, there you go.
- I beg your pardon?
- The rights of women are being trampled by George Bush.
- If Fat Joe were dead, he couldn't attract a female fly.
- Eat your One-a-Day and drink your Metamucil and hush up.
- Every single person that mentions this person "Hitler" hangs up on me!
- Phil, screw you and your Nazi friends; we're now going to sing a folk song.
- I'm talking of giving him myself in a very animal way, and its not for money.
- Do you believe it’s funny to take the teeth away from elderly people on prime rib night?
- Would you take crutches away from a cripple? Yes. Would you then tell them to come to dinner while they lay there drooling like lumps of doo? Yes.
- I'm Margaret from Bal Harbour.
Margaret: I don't know what you're talking about.
Phil: You're an idiot!
Frank: Phil, that was great. I've been wantin' to say that.
Margaret: I'll bet your husband has no money at all, and you're just jealous.
Caller: Who cares about money, honey? There are other things in life besides money and it sure ain't you or looks - I'll bet you a gallon of ma's buttermilk you could stop a freight train.
Margaret: I- *gasp* I BEG YOUR PARDON!
Caller: I don't appreciate people like you acting the way you act.
Margaret: I bet you have green nail polish with little dragons on the tips.
Caller: Honey, I got more class in my pinky than you have in your whole body.
Margaret: Where do you live?
Caller: I live in a better place and got a bigger heart than you'll ever have.
Margaret: Do you rent or do you own?
Caller: Where do YOU live?
Margaret: I live in Bal Harbour.
Caller: Bal Harbor...oh Bal Harbor! Oh, darling!
Caller: Go to the library and ask a book about Mr. Hitler.
Margaret: Ask a book? I-I go up to the book and say, "Hello, Mr. Book, tell me about this person."
Caller: Do you belong to the KK? Margaret: The KK? I belong to the AA...
- Tell the Jew we're out of brisket.
- You think I'm kind of a funny little man, don't you?
- Phil, the racism of George Lucas is very well documented. He went to school with the blacks and one of them tried to sell him a bag of oregano instead of pot. So he made Jar Jar Binks.
- I got where I am by the skin of my teeth and the sweat of my... everything; I sweat everywhere.
- You tell the lesbians Bob Green is coming and hell follows!
- Whenever you think of hair, think of me, Bob Green.
- Ma'am,If you have a degre then my name is Malcolm X
Green: I eat a hot breakfast and dinner and a cold lunch. That's the way Americans do it.
Caller: Who's American? I'm an American- my family's been in this country 187 years-
Green: Well that's not as long as my family.
Caller: -and we eat real food.
Green: Real food?
Caller: Real food, something good for you, not a damn piece of meat and two little pieces of bread. We all ain't ate balogna sandwiches. We ain't ate em.
Green: (incredulous) We ain't ate em?
Green: (after being called an 'asshole') In other words, if you were there, and I was there with you, I'd slug you right in the mouth.
Caller: Well, I did three tours in Vietnam and I'd be able to buy you a bus ticket.
Green: Three tours with Barnum & Bailey, I didn't hear that...
- If a plane's gonna crash, I want to be there to take a picture of it.
- I'm a pilot, Phil, and you can take this to the bank: you can't fly the Concorde when the wing's on fire.
Art: Even though I know I'm gonna die in seconds, I forgive you. I forgive you--
Art: Boy, now I don't forgive you. I hope you cook.
Caller: You wouldn't say that to your mother.
Art: I just did. I called her on the cell phone and said, "I hope you burn in hell, too."
Caller: This is Cool Hand Luke from San Diego. What you have on the air now is an imposter. You're talking to an ex-Air Force and-AND a private pilot with a Dakota.
Caller: This schmuck, he doesn't know a rudder from an elevator, you alcoholic bastard.
Art: Hey...I-I fly out of Barstow...
Caller: You don't fly a damn thing and you're so damn stupid you should have your license revoked before you kill somebody you alcholic f...bastard.
Art: Wha-what do you fly?
Caller: I fly a Dakota. Don't you hear anything you dumb alcoholic?
Art: A what?
Caller: A DAKOTA!!!
Art: That's a crap airplane.
Caller: Because its a crap person like you don't know how to fly. This guy is an impersonator, a fraud...
Art: A Dakota is a...this-this guy doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a Dakota.
Caller: You are so ignorant and you're gonna be flushed down the toilet. And you don't even know the thing between 8 hours and bottle to throttle, you bastard.
Art: What's your BFR?
Caller: *pause* Hey! You...you show me yours, you dumb...you dumb turd. And I'll tell you one thing, you must be flying for China. G'bye, you turkey.
Art: Yeah, Dakotas suck. You...you suck. I'm gonna puke.
Art: Oh, the Concorde crash was a tragedy and my heart goes out to the uh...you know, whatever you want to call it...the uh... Phil: The people on it... Art: Yeah, yeah the passengers and whatever else was on it.
- She had the audacity to order corn on the cob on the first date... so this woman is now out of my life.
Female Caller: What is Jesus going to say when he saw that you took $50 to turn a whore into your wife? Grover: He's gonna let me into the pearly gates and as we turn around and look at you going to hell, he's gonna say "was that the chick you did?" and i'll say "no her name was elena".
Phil: Bud, put this man on hold so I can talk to the caller.
Phil: (to caller) Okay, ma'am, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Phil: Bud I thought I told you to put him on hold?
Bud: He fought his way off.
Caller: He fought his way off?
Grover: I fought my way off hold.
David G. Hall
- Did you hit the retard?
- This is Darth Hall, I'm out.
- The FCC is dusting off the hot seat for me!
- Will you get this old Jew off the phone, quick, and let's go to another call?
- (to a caller) I'm the Vice President of Syndication. Which means I'm God and you're an ant.
- Bud, I'm giving you the the big shot here, because Hendrie blew it with all those phoney-baloney voices.
- I'm the guy that introduced innovation into radio. I'm the guy that brought you Laura, brought you Rush, brought you Glenn Beck, brought you-- all these guys, whoever the hell-- Jim Beck, Glenn Rome-- I forget. All of these guys add up to one thing, and that one thing is David G. Hall, who has innovated this business to the point where people don't even recognize it anymore.
Phil: What are you drinking?!
David: Gentleman Jack and a Water Back.
Phil: Gentleman Jack and a Water Back, and let's call up Hendrie and say, "I've got anthrax" as a topper on your Wednesday night.
David: What a baby.
Caller: I was Zsa-Zsa Gabor's private secretary.
David: George Gabor?
Caller: ZSA ZSA GABOR, you stupid bastard!
David: Did you ever see her nude?
Caller: That's none of your damn business.
David: If you've seen Zsa Zsa Gabor nude you owe it to this audience to tell us about it.
Caller: I've been all over the world with my late husband. We've been everywhere.
David: You dragged a dead body all over the world? Sheesh!
Phil: When he was still alive.
Caller: You're a stupid bastard, you know that? Phil, I have to know, is this part of the act? Because I really can't stand to listen to him any more. Is this part of the act?
Phil: Get David on the line, will ya?
Bud: Yeah, right away.
The Imperial March begins to play
Phil: Uh, David G. Hall...
Justin MacElroy: What's that?
Phil: That's music that he insists introduce him.
David: Yeah whaddaya want? This is Darth Hall.
Paul 'Tubby' Lane
- Its gonna be 85 degrees, they're not gonna allow any cold beer...why don't you just go ahead and turn on a garbage disposal and shove a child's hand into it, 'cause that's the same thing.
Phil: Why can't you just drink water?
Paul: Yeah, okay. Hey, its Friday night, man. Let's party! Wooo! Let's go get some water! Jesus...
Phil: So the fan and driver, having dinner, dancing, laying on a couch, taking a nap together...
Paul: Yes. And you think that's gay?
(Phil laughs aloud)
Phil: No...No, Paul I don't.
Paul: We don't want any women around asking us, 'Why is your car painted like that?' Jesus H.
- You whore! We're 800 miles off of course!
- What? My landing gear's still down and my tires are crooked? Ah, screw it, I'm bringing it in anyway.
Hal: Fly the plane, will ya, please? Viola, please, in the name of everything holy, in the name of the Jesus that hung from the cross for us, would ya just fly the plane?
Viola: Okay, but which is the one that makes it go up?
Hal: We're already up!
Phil: Uh, Hal, go ahead.
Hal: Yeah, Phil, this is Hal Levolier. How are you, sir?
Phil: I'm very good, how are you, Hal?
Hal's airplane begins to stall
Hal: Oh, forget it, we're dead.
- Why can't I do the simulation at my house? I can be at level six, and it keeps me away from my mom, who is very stupid.
Father James McQuarters
- And I will do anything, even give up the predilection that I had for a long time for boys. In fact Phil, there's only 2 things that can actually change the light, Irish lilt in my voice: killing the music, which turns me in to a black man, or seeing a very svelte beautiful young lady walk by the window like right now... (voice drops and accent vanishes) Will you look at THAT!?
- Hey now! What a nutty place!
- Who'll let the good father take a look for an Arby's beefwich?
Phil: What's your point?
Father McQuarters: What's my point? The guy comes on here is bustin' my castanets about the way I'm talking about the way the Da Vinci Code goes out there, squats over Jesus on Calvary and Ron Howard with that big goofy smile and that big bozo haircut!
Father McQuarters: Am I the only one? Am I the only one that sees that what Father McQuarters says on the Phil Hendrie radio show pales in comparison to the odious, stench-ridden and corrosively fetid blasphemy of Opie and his movie!?
- If you only knew you would climb up on it....
- I Have More Sesuality than You.
- It all comes down to sess, and how you can use your sessuality.
- I've had MORE sess with MORE women than Mr. Hendrie will EVER have.
- If you saw me in my speedo, you'd want to play with the little man in the boat.
- I do the splits over an egg then I do a somersault into an open watermelon.
Chris: (doing commentary on the space station docking) Oh yeah, yeah, it's slidin' in now. Yeeeaaaah, I like that. I can see the space shuttle, and the whole... sessuality of it. Yeah... now it's startin' to dock. Hey baby, look out, but I'm about to dock the shuttle. Wooooooooooooo YEAH! Oh yeah, hey mission control, Houston? We got docking. Woo! Now, time for me to slide from one module to the other. Yeah! That's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get in now, check out all the controls. Back it up now... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, that's it baby, back it up, cause we're docked. You know we're docked, don't ya? We got full docking. So back it up honey, yeah. Oh yeah! What's that baby? Sure I'll take the ashtray off your back. Now...
Phil: Get him outta here!
Pastor William Rennick
- Oh yeah! Rick James is giving me the spirit to give it to my wife.
- I don't like being used that way! The only one that use me is jesus! I'd be Jesus' jail bitch if you wanted me to!
- (Explaining why he doesn't personally deliver food to the needy) You don't go down there; you gonna die if you go down there. You might think you doing a good thing but you'll be dead of a gunshot wound before you even get the frozen dinner out of your car.
- If you hijack an airplane and fly it into a building, you Islam! If you bow your head to the carpet five times a day with your ass up in the air, like Paul Anka or Shepard Smith, you Islam! If you read the Koran, not the Bible, the Koran-- I want you to write that down, 'cause a lotta brothas-- and you'll find a lot of the brothas out there are quotin' the Koran, now, 'cause like my cousin M.L.-- they're Muslim. It aint no Bible, I don't know what in the hell it is, but it's called a Koran. If you towel wrap, turban wind, wear a rag, table cloth or comforter or a napkin on your head, you're Islam! If you are a woman and you wear a bag or a bed sheet over your head, you Islam. If you don't smoke, drink, have sex, smile, grin or laugh, you Islam! If you don't eat pork, barbeque, bacon, ribs or Canadian ham, you Islam!
- I don't want to see another fetus fed to the fire.
- It's impossible for a black man to be racist.
Dr. Jim Sadler
- No, the fact that -you- don't wanna wear a thong is because you're still afraid of 9/11!
- I can do the max on a hip abductor machine. Listen to this: (yelling) URRRRRRGHYAAAAAAAAAAA YOU WHORE!
- Tell me you've never thought about killing your own kid. For instance, taking him out hunting in the woods and only one of you comes back, namely you.
Jim: So, the idea that Mr. Geldoff doesn't have blacks-- here's the reason: white people... black people... w-w-white people... okay, here it is: white-- black-- white people-- black-- see-- see black... see white--
Phil: Will you come on!?
- It's about saving lives.
- Spank Bank's open 24 hours.
- The guy was pitching a tent, okay, man?
- I'm so gooooooood I could be on Scotland Yard.
- A full-cavity search is non-invasive; we practice on ourselves.
- If he takes a shot at me, I'll be on him like a monkey on a football.
- Ma'am, I'm a member of the Citizen's Auxiliary Police, we save lives.
- The Black boy will squeeze the life out of you like a Bakersfield chimp.
- Now I'm a fag and I'm gonna have my skull sexed. Anything else gentlemen?
- (In response to the idea of a citizen not cooperating) Well, in that case, we've got a situation.
- Three black kids will kill you slowly, at least an Ay-rab has the decency to take ya out quickly.
- We just want to take a peek over the shoulder of the police, that's all, just a little peek, kind of a peek-a-boo.
- Well, would you rather open and close doors or be lashed to a barn door and be assualted by...by three guys coming up on ATVs?
- (On conducting safety random home invasions) You witness a man assault you, take off his pants, fold 'em up, put 'em on the bed... and then he stops; when you get to the level of underwear then they stop, they assess the situation, he will question the woman, "you're aware now that I am here in my underwear", and she will say "yes I am", then fine, he'll probably put his hat on first, get dressed...
Jay: At 25 feet away from you, can I see your cleavage?
Jay: Well that's kind of pathetic, isn't it?
Jay: We take an oath.
Phil: What's the oath?
Jay: I don't remember it. We take the oath and seal it with a shot of whiskey.
- My mother used to greet the day with a cigarette and lipstick on her teeth."
- My mother used to come to me with her house coat open and drinking a cup of cheap chinese table wine."
- You never talk about your mother. Never talk about mother.
- I have at least my own filing cabinet at the National Institute of Health, psychology division.
- The last thing I heard when I walked out those gates was Walter Bellhaven's howling laughter.
- I'll wake up in the morning and think, "Maybe I'll go out and catch me a twelve year old today."
- (in reference to Walter Bellhaven) The last thing I heard was him laughing, almost like a hyena.
- (advertising for a dairy company) Tell them that Herb Sewell, convicted child-molester sent you.
- Phil, you're beginning to disturb me, and when I get disturbed I start thinking about 12 year-old boys.
- (about his mother-in-law) Ah, now you're referring to the Creature. See, you don't know the Creature. I do.
- I beat an old woman almost to death with a lamp. She was one of these hand-wringing grandmother types.
- In my case, I would have dispatched her (Paris Hilton) relatively quickly, but, of course, I would want to teach her a lesson.
- (to a caller discussing the Michael Jackson trial) I have to say I'm a bit surprised. You're obviously African-American, aren't you a fan?
- I hear some people say "Some of my friends are black," "Some of my friends are Jewish," Well, some of my friends are serial murderers.
- (about Walter Bellhaven) He was a walking monster of-- he was a miracle of modern monstrosity. What he did to an entire orphanage of children shouldn't even be repeated.
- (asked about his lunatic laugh) It is a nervous laugh, yes, but it's also a laugh- I have to laugh when I imagine the walking monstrosity that I was. And now I'm a free man. (laughs hysterically)
- (about his wife, who died when Herb shoved her from a moving car) When she was getting shoved from that car, she was still talking. I can still see her falling backwards on to the freeway and her mouth still moving on about some house she saw in, uh, La Cañada.
- Walter would see that commercial... probably having breakfast, let's say. He'd very, very delicately pad his mouth dry with his napkin, turn his television set off, get in his car, probably go to some area like a suburban mall and within two to three hours, three women would be hanging upside-down, gutted and their blood drained.
- Phil, you know how it is. If I registered as a sex offender the next thing I know it'll be like Frankenstein. I'll look out the window and the whole neighborhood will be there with their torches and I just can't have that, not now. Sorry I'm denying you the opportunity to throw a rock through someone's window but I'm going to have to decline your offer of registering.
- My mother would torture me for at least eight hours a day for a solid year once, using a variety of ice-water enimas, burning me with matches, burning me with cigarettes, even at one point hanging me up-side down for about six hours, burying me, using me as a float when we were in a ship wreck-- she actually used me as a life preserver, she just wrapped me around herself and didn't care whether I breathed or not, tried to use me one time to stop up a leaky gas valve in our kitchen, just said, "Put your lips over that thing."
- (Referring to Walter Bellhaven) Phil, saying that Walter murdered people is like saying Leonardo DaVinci, you know, ah, drew things.
Herb: I have the right to walk my daughter down the aisle.
Phil: Even though you shoved her mother out of a moving vehicle?
Bud: (Couldn't make out first part of speech), Mr. Sewer.
Herb: The name is Sewell, young man, Sewell, not Sewer. Is that the retard that you employed?
Phil: That-- that's Bud, yes.
Bud: What'd he call me?
Herb: I don't like talking to it. I just want to talk to you, I don't want to talk to it.
Phil: Alright, Bud, go-- outta here.
Bud: Thanks, Mr. Sewer!
Herb: Oh! You know, I-- I-- Walter Bellhaven has asked me-- he'd like to kill again, but he doesn't know if there's anything left worth killing and if I could get that kid's address...
Colonel Gaylan Shaw
Sir, There is no law taking pictures of little girls. I enjoy having them in my room on a collage where I can look at them in my underwear.
Gaylan: Here come my grandkids, they've got some ice cream. Whaddya got for grandpa?
Grandson: Shove it.
Phil: Who's that?!
Gaylan: It's me, Mr. Hendrie. I fought my way off of hold.
Gaylan: You’re telling me there won’t be a Mardi Gras, even though I packed the car with egg salad sandwiches well in advance?
Phil: Its a good thing you're out of the Army because I have one phrase that comes to mind - Agent Orange.
Gaylan: That's dirty pool.
- You know Mr. Hendrie? I hope that someday I'm driven to murder so that I could go to hell and watch them spin you over a pit...Bastard... *click*
- I'm gonna go discover my inner nun.
- I don't hate America, I love this country so long as it provides me with an ability to practice Blithia.
- I only care about the child who's on that one single crutch, trying to hobble out of the way of an American smart bomb whose destructive radius is several miles. There's no way. The child could have hobbled for a half-hour and still would be incinerated.
- Alright cadet, you will kiss the gunner's daughter, Take him below for the makings.
- Don't say it or I will drop you and I don't care if I go to prison.
- Oh, in the Name of the Sweet Christ Hammered Up, why do you have to play that?
- Christ was riveted to the cross for this???
- I say to any senior citizen listening to me, carry a 9mm, the minute somebody looks at you cross-eyed, take off the top of his head with it.
- So, look. Phil, I wanted to mention to your listeners that Bill Jewison is innocent of manslaughter. He's my client and I will be trying the case next week in Superior Court, but I'm trying to pollute the jury pool, so, uh...
- And also our winner tonight will get an autographed copy of my autobiography, which has just been released, entitled The Joy of Gunning Down Japs on Saipan as They Ran Toward their Ships That Were Burning in the Harbor Because the Navy Flyboys Put a Torch to Them.
Phil: Why don’t you be my lawyer too, Harvey?
Harvey: Can I do that?
Phil: You can do anything I tell you to do. I made you up.
Harvey: Alright, but if I’m your lawyer, I have to advise you to let me sue you for $3.5 million.
Phil voicing celebrities
Comb-Over Boy (Tom Leykis)
- My mother won't have sex with me.
- Is there anything worse than a woman with a kid?
- Why can't I beat a woman bloody and be able to walk away from it with a clear conscience without coming down with a case of the drip the following morning?
- AND WHY AM I SHOUTING, by the way? I'LL TELL YOU WHY, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO HAVING A SHOW!
- Hey folks, it's Comb-Over. Now listen; I know it gets lonely. Well right now, you can buy the Comb-Over blow-up doll, it looks just like ME! Why have sex with a woman when I look just like a bitch!... if you... think about it and... squint your eyes real hard. That's right, it's the Comb-Over BITCH DOLL! Comes with fully working sweat glands! And the fun part is trying to find the penis!
Comb-Over: That's what I'm talking about, Mr. Hall, the guy's not a team player. Callin' me Comb-Over Boy and then making references to the fact that I go to Thailand for sex with boys!
Phil: ...Well do you?
Comb-Over: ..What if I do?
Sen. John Kerry
- I couldn't get elected to the Women's Republican Club of Westlake Village...as an honorary transexual.
Phil: Bill, I heard you say this on your show the other day, on HBO, that, "If you go after Iraq, but you don't go after north Korea, you're a hypocrite." Did you get dumber when you went to HBO?
Bill: I probably did, Phil, uh... from the standpoint that I'm getting a little more panicky. I'm trying to backpeddle and cover my position on Iraq, uhh--
Phil: Do you honestly believe we shouldn't be at war with Iraq?
Bill: No, I don't.
Phil: Then-- you don't, why?
Bill: .....uh... w--why do I not--
Phil: I mean why, then why do you say what you say?
Bill: Well I say what I say-- my anti-Bush stance?
Bill: Because I'm angry and embarassed over the stupid things I said after 9/11. I mean, I really said some stupid, stupid stuff after 9/11 that basically got the America-- my audience against me, and I felt sort of rather than straighten it out a little bit I felt like I had to, ya know, just make it worse, ya know, just keep digging the hole deeper, and now I say dumb things on a regular basis.
Phil: Try not to say stupid, uninformed and very unsophisticated things. We're not on the playground, okay?
Bill: Yes, sir.
Phil: Alright, good-bye.
Bill: Bye, Phil.
Phil: Bill Maher, a real idiot.
- The last two years my ass is falling.
Demi: So that's it, Phil. I'm bored with you now and I'd like to hang up.
Demi's teeth begin to get drilled by the dentist...
Demi: GOOOOD, DAMN...!! Uhh--
Phil: Why is that painful!?
Demi: I don't-- why is it painful?
Demi: Oh, I don't use anasthetic.
Phil: Why not?!
Demi: Because it keeps my breasts firm and high. What the hell is with you? Why not, I never use anasthetic when I get my teeth drilled because it keeps me young, firm and uhhhh--
Phil: Still 41.
Drilling begins again
Demi: Man, that's good!!
Phil: Well listen, Demi, thanks a lot, the best of luck in your life and times and your career with Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, appearing in theatres right now, huh?
Demi: I-- I wouldn't know.
- Hold on, Phil, I found some gummy bears in my chin fold.
- I hold on to it [cream cheese] the way a cow does its cud.
Scott: You don't like me very much, do you?
Phil: No I do not.
Scott: Well that doesn't hurt me.
Phil: You're a murdering animal.
Scott: Nope, that doesn't hurt, either.
Phil: You outta be shot. You outta be dragged behind a truck.
Scott: Nah, doesn't hurt.
Phil: I'd like to kick your ass, personally kick your ass.
Scott: Meh, that doesn't hurt, either.
Phil: I hope your freakin' golf game goes to the tank, I hope you have the yips all day, I hope you don't sink one freakin' putt.
Scott: That hurts.
- Don't make me come through the phone and kick your A.
- I'm gonna come out, I'll take Katie Couric and that other bitch, uhh... I forget who she was-- I'll rape her. I'll tell ya right now, I will. I'll commit the act of rape on her.
- I'm gonna rape Katie Couric, I'm gonna rape Oprah Winfrey, I'm gonna rape Greta Van Susteren, I'm gonna rape the Federal Prosecutor, come through the phone, kick your ass.
- I will find Katie Couric and I will commit the act of rape on her. And then when I'm done with her, I'll get on that news women they got on the air and, who the other one? Oh yeah, Greta Van Susteren, I will rape her.
- Martha, telling Phil her new recipes from prison:
- Roasted turkey 'n' gravy over noodles.
- I got one here: frank on a bun with assorted toppin's, sauerkraut, potatoe rounds, served with a chilled bean.
- Hamburger topped with crispy bacon served with a potatoe wedge, green beans, chilled fruit 'n' milk.
- I wanna have a State Dinner for the President, ya know, and I'll serve-- for instance, we can serve white-meat chicken patty on a bun, chilled fruit 'n' milk.
Phil: Ms Stewart, you were remanded to federal prison because of lies that you told to a federal investegator--
Martha: I'll find him too! I'll shank him too!
Phil: Mike, you have always been an animal who rapes women and assaults women and bites ears and mugs old ladies and-- you were basically a dirtly little punk in Brookland, weren't you?
Mike: Yes I was.
Phil: And wouldn't you say you still are?
Phil: So, I think-- then don't you think it's a testament to a society like America that an animal like you still walks around free?
Mike: Well, I think it is, obviously I do believe that America's a great country but when you say things like that about me what I say publicly is that you're a racist.
Phil: Why would you say racism and not really mean it?
Mike: Uhhh, well, because it immediately pulls the sympathy vote for me.
Phil: Oh, okay.
Mike: Because people will not question me further; they'll simply say they understand for fear that they'd be called racists, too.
Phil: But you do agree that you're a dirtly little punk that oughtta be in a cage?
Mike: Yes, absolutely, Phil, there's no doubt about that.
Non-recurring or unspecified guests/characters
Jesus Christ: Bababooey
Old Senile Man: I went over to the Department of Motor Vehicles 'cause I wanted to get a Motorcycle License and they said, "Well, you gotta go over here and talk to a man," and I went over to the man and he gave me a ticket and I sat down-- I was there 'til eight and they were-- the place was closed and I had to spend the night there and when they opened up the next day, I was very hungry and they said, "What were you doing here over-night?" and I said, "Well, I was waiting to get a Motorcycle License," and they said, "Well, you're at Home Depot."
Man who nailed himself to a cross:
911 operator: Did you do it on purpose?
Man: Yes I did.
911 operator: Why!?
Man: I seen the Mel Gibson movie, wanted to know what it was all about. Now it hurts, now I regret it. I was high on speed and I was snortin' crack off a hunting knife.
911 operator: Jesus, H! What a turd.
Man: It hurts, send an ambulance.
911 operator: No.
911 operator: No, I wont. I'm not gonna do it.
Man: Please send me an am--! Give me another 911 operator.
911 operator: Okay.
911 operator: Nine-one-one, can I help you?
Man: Yeah, I just nailed myself to a cross. I need help.
911 operator: That's nice.
Man: Will you send an ambulence?
911 operator: Not likely.
Man: Are you the same guy?
911 operator: Yeah, I'm just doing a different voice.
IROC Guy: "If you tawk-a-tawk, then wok-a-wok."
Phil: "I don't know what that means...what does that mean?"
IROC Guy: "If you tawk-a-tawk, then you should wok-a-wok."
- (to Bobbie Dooley) Lady, you're crazy, and your husband's crazy. Hooray for you with your big house. You would've been laying up in that big house on crutches if you'd've touched me. I'd a made mud out yo ass.
- (to Ted Bell) If you need a spiritual companion, you need to call Ms. Cleo.
Quotes used by multiple guests/characters
- Ya savvy?
- Are you for real?
- What's THAT all about?
- How do you like me now?
- That is straight from hunger.
- YEEEEEAHHHH! I just broke out of hold.
- You can go straight to the living hell.
- They're dusting off the hot-seat for me!
- Why don't you get a piece of fat and slide off?
- (after making some stupid point) Ah-- aahh! I've got you, I got you there.
- I just made a shot at the buzzer. Three points to go into half-time. Me - 3. You - 0.
- That tears it!
- Pile it high and deep.
- I made brown!
- You know what you look like with your good bag and your bad shoes? You look like a rube.
Female guests: (in a deep, manly voice) Jesus!