Phil of the Future

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Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short.
Peter C. Newman
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Phil of the Future is a children's television sitcom on the Disney Channel and ABC Kids. It follows the Diffys, a 22nd Century family, stuck in the 21st Century.

Season 1

♥ Your Cheatin' Heart ♥

Unification Day

Meet the Curtis

Phillin' In


Raging Bull

My Way

Daddy Dearest

Phenomenally Yours

Future Tutor

Future Jock

You Say Toe-Mato

Phil: Pim, i'm using it first.
Pim: Why?
Phil: Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller.
Pim: Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you.
Phil: Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue?
Pim: I can hold a grudge forever.
Phil: Oh, really?
Pim: Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup?
Phil: No.
Pim: Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue--
Phil: Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo.
(Power Surging)

(Bell Ringing)
Pim: Berwick! Let me guess what's going on here. Hot coffie, sports section, standing outside Mr. Hackett's office...You're either a: Loopy, B: The world's biggest, kiss-up, or C: A combo platter.
Debbie: Pim, I do this for all my teachers. In fact, would you like to run up a pastry to Miss Soletti's office?
Pim: Uh, no.
Mr. Hackett: I know it's expensive, but i have to have the operation.
Debbie: Eavesdropping is wrong for 7 reasons, and i'll explain why. First--
Pim: (Hushed Voice) Debbie, shush!
Mr. Hackett: Well, if i don't have the operation, my life will be worthless. Just a big zilch-o.
Debbie: Oh, my gosh! Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick and needs an operation. You know what this calls for? A fund-raiser!
Pim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time someone needs help, you're all "I'll help you," and i'm all "Get over it," and you're all, "To the fund-raising mobile!"
Debbie: Okay, Pim. That's okay. Fund-raising isn't for everybody.
Pim: What is she saying? That i can't fund-raise? Well, it's on, Berwick!
Debbie: What's on?
Pim: Stop that.
Mr. Hackett: The only procedure i can afford is the 106. Yeah, that's not a hair replacement system. That's a toilet seat cover parted down the middle. No, no, no...I want it. Yeah, okay. Uh, I will still attract big norwegian women, like the guy on the cover, right? Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!

Keely: Phil, you know what this is?
Phil: It's a flute.
Keely: No, it's a musical spit catcher.
Phil: Nice.
Keely: Phil, that can't be healthy.
Phil: Here. Re-hydrate.
Keely: I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?
Phil: Yeah, phyble.
Keely: Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?
Phil: Exactly. All those things.
Keely: So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.
Phil: Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.
Keely: Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.
Phil: Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?
Keely: Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?
Phil: That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.
Keely: I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.
Phil: Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?
Keely: Yeah, what's the matter?
Phil: Oh...I can't!
Keely: Can't what?
Phil: Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)
Keely: You're about to eat ketchup right now.
Pim: I am? Oh.

Lloyd: So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?
Phil: Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.
Barbara: Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.
Lloyd: 1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.
Phil: No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. 4.
Lloyd: Ha ha! That's right!
Barbara: Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.
Lloyd: How do they walk with all those--
Barbara: (Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.
Phil: Come on, guys, i'm serious.
Pim: Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.
Lloyd: Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.
Phil: Really?
Barbara: Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?
Lloyd: Yes.

Pim: Psst! Yeah, you. What's your name?
Jorge: Jorge.
Pim: Jorge, what would you say if i could put you in a big, fancy belt buckle? Don't answer. Just step into my jacket. Or...Would you like a gold locket? You like locket?
Jorge: No, thanks.
Pim: Jorge, did i mention it's for a teacher getting a nasty operation? None of the money goes to me.
Jorge: Really?
Pim: Well, I did buy myself a prime rib sandwich at lunch, but that's on the down low. You know what i'm sayin'? Huh?
Jorge: I have to be somewhere else now.
Pim: Yeah, right. Hey, you with the face, come here!

Debbie: Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets! $5.00. It's for a really good cause. Oh, hi, Morton. Let me tell you a little bit about today's fund-raiser. I'm raising money for a teacher who's very, very sick. (Whispering) He doesn't look good. Thank you, Morton. You're good people.
Morton: Thanks, Debbie.
Debbie: Fun baskets. (Gasps) Hi, Pim. My baskets are really moving. How much have you raised?
Pim: Squat. Leave me alone.

(Rooster Crows)
Man: Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream.
Keely: I thought you were allergic to tomatoes.
Phil: Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night.
Keely: Right.
Man: All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks.
Phil: Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change?
Keely: Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks.
Man: Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.

Keely: Hey.
Phil: Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i'm acting a little weird lately.
Keely: Now that you mention it...A little.
Phil: Yeah. I'm sorry about that.
Keely: It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again?
Phil: Heh. So normal it hurts.
Keely: Phil, you want to go to the deep end?
Phil: No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay?
Keely: Whatever, Phil.
Phil: Where's my toe?!

Phil: Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet.
Keely: I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in!
Phil: Eww! Where's my toe?
Man: Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry!
(Kids Laughing & Shouting)
Man: All right, everybody out of the tub!

Man: There's always one bad tomato in every batch. You can explain it to your principal!

Debbie: Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets. They're for a good cause. Fun baskets! Get your fun baskets!

Kid: Oh.
Pim: Oh, and right during the biggest test of the semester! Luckily i have a sweet number 2 for sale. Let's call it 6 bucks even.
Kid: (Sighs)

(Whistle Blows)
Pim: Hi. I couldn't help but notice you're getting smoked. How 'bout a nice scented candle to lift your spirits?
Pim: That'll be 3.50.

Debbie: Mr. Hackett, i'm going to say this quick, otherwise i'm going to start crying.
Pim: Her we go with the tears.
Debbie: (Quietly) Thank you. We want you to have this money. It's $110.
Pim: My jar is $115.
Mr. Hackett: So...This is wonderful. Thank you. Why on earth would you be doing this?
Pim: Cut the hero act. We know about the operation.
Mr. Hackett: You do?
Debbie: Yes. And we want you to be brave and know that we support you.
Mr. Hackett: I can see that.
Debbie: Are you scared?
Mr. Hackett: A little. Thank you. I love public service.

Principal: All right, Johnson, you're next. Get in here!
Keely: Sometimes i dream i'm married to Mr. Potatohead...And we live in a 2-bedroom condo in boca raton, florida.
Phil: What?!
Keely: And i want to be a doctor, but he wants me to stay home and take care of our 5 spuds.
Phil: So...Why are you telling me this?
Keely: Because it's my deepest, darkest secret. And because i know what's going on. I found this in the goop.
Phil: What?! It's not--it's not mine.
Keely: "Property of P. Diffy"? Phil, so what? You have 4 toes. You don't have to hide things from me.
Phil: Really?
Keely: Yeah. You spent the last 3 days lying and acting all weird and throwing tomatoes at me just because of a...Pinky toe?
Phil: It does feel kinda good toe get my toe off my chest.
Keely: (Chuckles) Phil, you're my best friend. Just promise me no more secrets. You and i are on a...100% honesty pact. Deal?
Phil: Deal. Wait. Uh, there's...One more thing.
Keely: What is it? Don't worry.
Phil: (Sighs) The reason i have 4 toes is because where i'm from, everyone does. I grew up over 100 years from now. I'm from the future.

Mr. Hackett: I'm telling you, Maurice. I am loved here. The students are standing in line to hand me jars of money. Which is, of course, what allowed me to upgrade to the 211.
Debbie: Excuse us, Mr. Hackett, but we wanted to wish you good luck on--what is growing out of your head?
Pim: Wait a minute. That's your operation? I busted my hump so you could get a wig?!
Mr. Hackett: It's not a wig. It's the lorenzo lamas.
Debbie: Uh, no disrespect, Mr. Hackett, but i'm going to have to give my money to a needier charity.
Pim: Yeah, ditto. I'm giving mine to the Pim Diffy needs a high-definition TV foundation. You disgust me.
Mr. Hackett: Hey, wait a minute. How am i supposed to pay for this? I mean, Maurice, I can pay for this. Just, you know, maybe not all at once. What are you doing? Don't get quiet on me, Maurice. Don't leave! Maurice? I'm only 1/2 a lamas.

Phil: So, we were taking our vacation, visiting the prehistoric era. There were cavemen and dinosaurs, but whatever, my dad had to go back to work. (Sarcastic Chuckle) So, uh, we sung by the french revolution, then headed for home. But our time machine broke down, so, uh, now we're stuck here in your time. According to my dad, if the government found out, we'd be captured...or worse. Uh, if you can hear me, can you nod or something? Just...
(Door Opens)
Principal: Okay, get in here, Diffy. Your turn.
Phil: I just wanted my best friend to know the truth about me.

Lloyd: You told her what?! Why?!
Phil: I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend.
Lloyd: When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door!
(Gate Rattling)
Lloyd: Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here!
Keely: Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit.
Barbara: Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate.
Keely: Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood.
Barbara: Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation.
Lloyd: Save it. Our son spilled the beans.
Barbara: I'll go pack.
Keely: Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.
Phil: Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us.
Lloyd: Phil, it looks like your new friend might want a ride home.
Phil: Really?
Barbara: Be careful.
Keely: Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future.
Phil: It's a skyak. hop on.
(Power Surging)
Barbara: Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride?
Lloyd: I never had a skyak.

Doggie Daycare

Tia: Oh, no. This can't be right. According to my organizer, i'm a loser!
Tia: Yep. I'm totally free this weekend.
Phil: (Grunts) You? You are totally free? Nothing? I find that hard to believe.
Keely: Oh! Problem solved! You're going to festapalooza.
Phil: How do you know that?
Keely: Festapalooza saturday.
Tia: I didn't know it was this weekend. There's gonna be, like, 50 bands there.
Phil: Festa...Festapalooza! No way! Festapalooza is legendary. Murray Van Peltin stir-fries his guitar on stage. (Imitates Electric Guitar) And then serves it to the needy. It was crazy!
Tia: How do you know that?
Phil: Huh?
Tia: Well, the concert's not till saturday. How would you know what happens?
Keely: Um...Phil gets his tenses confused when he's tired. Sometimes he uses the past tense, sometimes he uses the future tense. Sometimes he's just tense.
Phil: I'm hoping that murray, you know, stir-fries his guitar...On stage...Because as we know...That would be really good for the needy. So, I wonder how much tickets are?
Keely: 100 Bucks.
Phil: How do you know this?
Keely: That guy is good. I could have used him during my ceramics quiz.

Phil: Hey, Dad? I'm pretty sure the hoses in this century aren't thought-activated. you gotta actually squeeze the handle.
Lloyd: Thanks a load, Smarty Trousers. See, every day at this time an ill-mannered dog drops by and leaves a fresh present on our lawn. Today, i'm gonna let him know how i feel about that.
Phil: Gotcha. So, while we're waiting, my chance i could borrow 100 bucks to see a concert?
Lloyd: Festapalooza, huh?
Phil: Yeah, you saw the skywriter?
Lloyd: Yeah, I was trimming my nose hairs in the backyard. I looked in the mirror, and i saw it. I thought it said azoolapatsef. Anyway, sorry, Son. You gotta earn that money on your own.
(Dog Barking And Yelping)
Lloyd: Aw, nut sticks! He did it again! I hate cleaning up after this hound.
Phil: Hey, Dad...I'd be happy to clean it up for you.
Lloyd: Really?
Phil: For 100 bucks. 2 bucks?
Lloyd: You got a deal, Mister.
(Cash Register Clings)
Lloyd: I don't know why people have so many dogs around here. That's what dogs do, you know. Dog...Dog doo. (Laughs)
Phil: Pleasure doing business with you.
Lloyd: You, too. Thank you.
Phil: No. Thank you. I think you just gave me a great idea.
Lloyd: Uh...Honey!

Pim: I got it! I got it! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Berwick. I'm still not seeing how playing catch with yourself is an olympic sport.
Debbie: Nana says...That if setting the table was in the olympics, i'd take the gold. Yay! Twistie, twist...
Pim: Diffy goes back...
Debbie: Finished!
Pim: To the wall!
Debbie: Pim!
Pim: Whoa! Aah!
Debbie: Pim! Oh, cloudy skies! I hurt my pimsy!
Pim: Nope. i'm good.
Debbie: Swell, 'cause if you were hurt, you'd have to miss the rest of gym class!
Pim: Nope! I'm damaged! Girl down! Girl down!

Debbie: If it turns out i injured you in any way, i'll never forgive myself!
Pim: Whatever. We're out of gym.
Debbie: I--I--I mean it, Pim. I'll carry your books. I'll hold your food tray. You won't need to lift a finger until that ankle is healed.
Pim: Now that you mention it, i'm feeling pretty bad. They may have to helicopter me to one of those fancy ankle hospitals.
(Sirens In Distance)
Nurse Krinsky: Hello? Is--is there any visible blood or nasty ouchies?
Debbie: Thankfully, no, Nurse Krinsky.
Nurse Krinsky: Oh, good. Whew. You know how queasy i get.
Debbie: Okay, Pim, I have to go class now. You be strong now, You hear?
Pim: It's so hard to be strong when you feel so very week!
Debbie: What a brave little soldier! (Sniffles)

Nurse Krinsky: I hate these x-ray thingies. they give me willies. You're fine. (Sighs) I gotta get another job. You're free to go. I'm sure your friend Debbie will be happy to hear you're okay.
Pim: Well, we can't have Debbie happy, now can we?
Nurse Krinsky: Why not? Debbie likes to be happy. She put smiley faces on all my tongue depressors.
Pim: Oh, isn't that sweet? Mama just hatched herself a plan.

Pim: (Straining) Sorry i'm late, Teach. I narrowly escaped death.
Debbie: P.B. and J! I feel horrible! Here, Pim, let me help you to your seat.
Pim: No, no. I've got to get the hang of this myself. (Groans) Darnsies! I'm so uncoordinated!
Debbie: Here, let me get that. Don't you worry about a thing, Pim. Until you're healed, I am at your service.

Keely: So, what's this business idea of yours?
Phil: All right. What's the one thing that pickford is bustling with?
Keely: Tomatoes.
Phil: Tomatoes, and...Dogs! Huh? Little ones, big ones, skinny ones, fat ones.
Keely: Hairy ones, bald ones, small ones, tall ones. Sorry. I thought we were playing a word game.
Phil: And what's the one thing that all dogs have in common?
Keely: (Gasps) They...You know. Ugh.
Phil: Exactly! At least once a day! And all owners hate to scoop. That's where we come in. We do the job that no one wants to do.
Keely: Okay, but can't we offer more service than that?
Phil: More service?
Keely: Phil! I can't just go to a dog's house and not play with them.
Phil: Fine. We are a full-service doggy day care. See, the way i figure it, we can have those festapalooza tickets in a couple of days.
(Brakes Screech)
Tia: Hey, Guys. I just got my ticket. Oh, are you guys still coming to the concert?
Phil: Absolutely. Hey, we just started a doggy scooping business. What to join?
Tia: And...I'm out.
Keely: It's not just poop! We're full service!
Phil: Hey, her loss, right? We're gonna have fun. We'll be our own bosses. We'll be out in the fresh...Almost fresh air! Which reminds me, I actually got Curtis to do some of the dirty work. Hey, C-Man! (Chuckles)
Curtis: (Speaks Gibberish)
Phil: I think it just may be his calling.

Debbie: Okay. That's close enough.

Debbie: Is that fluffy enough for you?
Pim: Could be fluffier.
Debbie: Say no more. You need to be relaxed in order to heal. I'll find you the fluffiest pillow of them all!
Pim: (Laughs)
Lloyd: Hey, Pim. What happened to you?
Pim: Oh, this. Uh...Debbie wants to be a nurse when she grows up, so i let her bandage me. As practice.
Lloyd: Oh, well...that's awfully nice of you.
Pim: Helping friends reach their goals...That's why i was put on this earth.
Lloyd: Say, Debbie, What do you think of this ingrown hair i have here?
Debbie: I think it's cute.
Pim: Hey, Debs, You know, all this being in pain is making me thirsty. Score me a root beer, will ya?
Debbie: Absolutely. Anything you need.
Pim: Oh! And now that you mention it, my spanish homework needs doing. Know what i mean, slappy? (Laughs)

Phil: This is Mad Max's house. His owner said he'd be locked inside.
Keely: Why do you think they call him Mad Max?
Phil: 'Cause he sells electronics at rock-bottom prices. "Beware Of The Dog." "It's A Big, Mean Dog. Chomp, Chomp."
Keely: "I'd Turn Back If I Were You." Good idea.
Phil: No! No, you don't.
Mad Max: (Growling) (Snarling)
Phil: Hi, Max. You're sure you're not a bear?
Keely: Heh.
Mad Max: (Snarling)
Keely: Are you a good boy?
Mad Max: (Growling)
Keely: Guess Not.
Mad Max: (Snarling)
Both: (Screaming)
Mad Max: (Barking)
Keely: Phil, I think he's mad at us.
Phil: Hmm. You think? Let me find out. Uh, see, there's a function on my wizard. It interprets animal sounds. What'cha thinking, Max? Huh? You're all bark, right, pal?
Mad Max: (Male Voice) Another move and i'll rip your appendix out and use it as a chew toy. (Growling)

Keely: Mad Max, we're sorry. We didn't mean to disturb you.
Phil: But the thing is, if you back up a few feet. We'll be on our way. All right? have a nice day. We'll see you later. Bye-bye.
Mad Max: (Male Voice) Yeah, right. Have a nice day. I got a tick the size of a cockapoo. My master, he want off to college.
Keely: Your master left you?
Mad Max: Yeah, he was my best friend. Now i just feel like biting something.
Phil: Uh, well, i'll tell you, Max. We'll be your friends, huh?
Mad Max: Hmm. Why would you want to be my friend?
Keely: Because you seem like a fun guy. Not fun in a laugh-out-loud kind of way, but more of a pleasant grumpiness.
Mad Max: (Male Voice) Really?
Phil: Sure. So it's settled, huh? We'll come by and see you tomorrow. Let us down without...Eating us. Thanks.
Keely: See you tomorrow, Maximilian!
Mad Max: (Male Voice) Wow! No one ever calls me Maximilian anymore.
Phil: Well, we do, 'cause we're your friends. Let's get out of here.
Keely: Yeah.
Mad Max: Yo, aren't you forgetting something? Hey, I left you a little present. I'm sorry. I didn't have time to wrap it. (Chuckles)
Phil: You want to get this one? 'Cause my hands are full.

Debbie: Here comes the choo choo train!
Pim: What the--Huh? Debbie, how did you get in my house?
Debbie: I copied your key at the shoe repair shop in little tokyo. I also gave Mr. Yamaguro all of your platform shoes to be cut down. You'll be wearing flats from now on, my little patient!
Pim: How long have i been asleep?
Debbie: A long time. Did you know that you talk in your sleep? You have a sailor's mouth. You must have cable.
Pim: All right, get me out of this thing!

Mad Max: (Growls)
Phil: (Stutters) How did you get in here?
Mad Max: (Barks)
Phil: Oh, right. I'm sorry.
Mad Max: (Whimpering) (Male Voice) I let myself in. Oh, Phil, I gotta talk to you.
Phil: All right, but make it quick, all right? I'm headed off to festapalooza.
Mad Max: So i found out this morning that Jimmy's not coming home from college this weekend.
Phil: Jimmy...Oh, right, your master. Oh, gee, that's too bad. I am sorry about that, Man.
Mad Max: I tell you, I am so bummed. I've been drinking toilet water all day.
Phil: Oh, Max, i've tried that, and it's not the answer.
Mad Max: (Whimpers)
Phil: Hey, would a head scratch help?
Mad Max: It wouldn't hurt. Oh, yeah, that's good. Now the ears. Now the neck.

28 Minutes Later...
Mad Max: Aw, the chest. That's right. That's the stuff. I remember when i was a puppy and my master picked me up from that pet adoption place. Back then, you could pick me up. (Laughs) That was the happiest day of my life.
Phil: Uh, that's fascinating max, but...I'm gonna be late, and my hand's really starting to cramp up, so...
Mad Max: But it's trash day. I thought we could go for a talk and sniff.
Phil: Any other day i could, but...I gotta go.
Mad Max: (Whimpering)
Phil: Here's one of my dad's dirty socks. Knock yourself out.
Mad Max: (Whimpers)

Keely: I got my travel wipes, and 2 quarters duct-taped to my calves in case my cell phone doesn't work.
Frog: (Ribbit) (Ribbit)
Phil: What about that giant foam finger of yours?
Keely: (Gasps) Chunks and scraps! I forgot it!
Frog: (Ribbit Ribbit)
Keely: Phil, is there a frog following us?
Frog: (Ribbit)
Phil: He's probably trying to follow us to the concert.
Frog: (Croaks) (Croaking)
Keely: Use the wizard on him.
Frog: (Croaking)
Phil: Okay, but i'm not sure it'll work on amphibians.
Frog: I've been looking all over for you, Guys. Mad Max is straight buggin'!
Keely: Really? What's wrong with him?
Frog: I don't know. He busted out of his crib. Said nobody cares. Talkin' about makin' a fresh start somewhere.
Phil: But he just came by to see me. I thought he was going home.
Keely: Wait, Phil, you knew he was upset, and you just left him?
Phil: No! No, I mean...I gave him a sock.
Keely: He could get lost! He could get hurt!
Frog: Yo, he could get jacked.
Keely: Yeah, he could get jacked!
Phil: All right, Keely, we'll go to the concert. Then, after we get back, if he's still gone, we'll go and look for him.
Keely: (Sighs) Do what you want. I'm outta here.
Phil: Wait, no...Keely! But he's just a dog!
(Mechanical Whirring)
(Horn Honking)
Tia: Yoo-hoo! Yeah, the concert's this way. If she's going home to change outfits...I don't blame her.
Phil: No, she's all upset about this dog Max. I--I don't know what she's so freaked out about.
Tia: That's Keely. I've known her since the first grade. Yeah, she probably thinks she's doing the right thing.
Phil: The--The right thing?
Tia: (Sighs) See, Phil, there are 2 types of people in this world--people like Keely, who are always thinking about other people. Then there are people like us, who i call...Happy people.
Phil: So you can't...Do the right thing and be happy?
Tia: Well, all i know is my way works. Hey, now, you probably won't be able to get backstage. So i'll see you back at school on...Monday. At lest let me sell your tickets! (Scoffs) Unhappy person.

Keely: Max? Max?
(Dog Barking)
Keely: (Gasps) Max!
Phil: Oh! Oh! Oh, what?
Keely: Phil, what are you doing here? I thought i heard max.
Phil: Oh, yeah, that was just me. I was calling him in his own language. Max, come on, Boy. It's me--Phil. Come here.
Keely: (Sighs) So why aren't you at the concert?
Phil: This is more important. I made a commitment to a friend.
Keely: Heh. Don't do this for me.
Phil: I'm not.
Keely: Oh.
Phil: I'm doing it for Max.
Keely: Good. Now, where does a dog go when he wants to make a fresh start?
Phil: Huh...
Keely: (Sighs)
Phil: No, wait. Max did say something back at the house. What...That was it!
Keely: Yes!

(Dogs Barking)
Keely: Oh, my gosh--Max's bandana!
Phil: There's Max.
Keely: Hey, Max!
Phil: Hey, Buddy, you want to come talk to us over here?
Keely: Come on. Come here.
Mad Max: What are you doin' here? Oh, you want a puppy, too?
Keely: No, Max, we're here to take you back home.
Mad Max: Heh, right. No one wants a cranky old gas bag like me.
Phil: Hey, that's not true. I know i said i'd be your friend, and i wasn't acting like it, so i'm sorry. But i'm promise to visit you every day and scratch you till my fingers fall off.
Keely: Max, Phil missed the concert to look for you.
Mad Max: Really? You missed festapalooza for me?
Phil: Yeah. No biggie.
Mad Max: You idiot. There's gonna be about 50 bands there. Just kidding. I appreciate it.
Keely: Come on. Let's get out of here. Come on!
Mad Max: So you missed the concert, eh? well, I got a pretty good voice.
Phil: Oh, yeah?
Mad Max: (Singing) If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. Take it away, Phil.
Phil: I don't think so. No.

We'll Fix It In Editing


Age Before Beauty


Double Trouble

Milkin' It

Corner Pocket

Team Diffy

Season 2

Versa Day


The Giggle

Dinner Time

Tia, Via, or Me...Uh

Get Ready To Go-Go

Phil Without A Future

Time Release Capsule

Mummy's Boy


Good Phil Hunting


Phil of the Garage

Phil: (Yawning Loudly) (Sniffs) Whoa! Hohh! That's not clean.
Barbara: Good morning, Sweetheart. Breakfast is ready.
Phil: Mom, I'm not dressed!
Barbara: (Laughing) Oh, Phil, I was there the day you popped out of your natal pod. You don't have anything i haven't seen already.
Phil: Yeah, except for the sign on the door that says "Please Knock."
Lloyd: Hey, Phil! That "Please Knock" sign is lookin' a little shabby. I'll touch it up for you as soon as i store these photon conduits.
Phil: Dad, Look. I know that space in the garage is a little tight right now, But why does my room have to become your storage closet?
Lloyd: Because the sign on Pim's door says "Keep Out Or Else," and i don't want to find out what "Or Else" means.
Phil: Well, I don't have room for all this junk.
Computer: This unit is not junk.
Lloyd: Be careful what you say around the time engine C.P.U. It's a little emotionally unstable right now.
Computer: This unit reads lips, you know. and this unit's going through a lot right now.
Phil: Well, if it's ok with everyone else in this family. I kinda find getting dressed a little bit of a private affair.
Lloyd: No Problem. I got some more stuff to bring up, anyway.
Phil: (Sighs) Nothing personal.
Computer: Nothing this unit hasn't seen already.
(Swiss Yodeling Music Plays)
Phil: (Gasps) Pim! Do You Think This Is Funny?
Pim: Not yet...But it'll be hilarious on the front page of my blog.
(Yodeling Music)

Lloyd: Hey, Everybody, I'm thinkin' tonight's the night for game night.
Pim: Dad, You're still shy 20 large from last month's game of snakes and ladders, blood-sport edition.
Lloyd: Well, I have finally found a present-day game that i can win. It's called (Mispronouncing) Charad-Zah.
Barbara: Ooh, charad-zah! Sounds fancy. We're gonna need some cheese.
Phil: It's not called charad-zah. It's called charades. All right? And if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a rain check.
Lloyd: Rain check. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. I haven't even lost yet.
Barbara: Phil, It's game night. Don't you want to spend time with your family?
Phil: I think i spend enough time with you all in my room. You just walk in whenever you want. You store all your time machine junk in there, and you...Live here. It--(Sighs) Don't get me wrong. All right? I love almost all of you, but i think what i really need is some privacy in my own room.
(Loud Rumbling)
Pim: Sounds like your own room is about to blow a gasket.
Lloyd: Maybe i shouldn't have stored the hysterical fuel cells next to the self-propelled spark rods.
(Clattering And Breakage)
Lloyd: Yeah, that was probably a mistake.
Phil: My room!
Pim: You're not getting any privacy with that giant gaping hole in your floor. Tough break, Kid.
Phil: This is way too big to fix for the wizard. Maybe dad will lend me some of his future tools.
Lloyd: Are you kidding? My tools are calibrated for high-tech plastics and composites, not for wood and nails. They're extremely, extremely sensitive.
Lloyd: Oh. Little help, please?
Phil: Well, where am i gonna sleep?
Barbara: You'll just have to bunk with Pim until we can get this fixed.
Together: (Laughing)
Phil: That was a good one, Mom.
Pim: Yeah, way to cut the tension.
Phil: Oh...Oh, i'd rather live in the garage.
Barbara: Well, i'm open to any better ideas.
Phil: I'd rather live in the garage.
Lloyd: Hey, I think that's a great--ly...Bad idea. Greatly bad.
Barbara: I--I hate to say it, but i agree with your father. you are too young to be living in the garage.
Pim: I say it's high time to push him out of the nest and say, "Fly, Baby Bird! Spread those wings and make us proud."
Lloyd: I agree with your mother.
Barbara: I haven't said anything yet.
Lloyd: Oh, it's just kind of a technicality, isn't it?
Pim: Mom, you just said phil is so young, he should live in the garage.
Barbara: No...I Didn't.
Phil: Uh, that's what i heard.
Lloyd: I'm just sayin' i agree.
Phil: What's it gonna be, Mom?
(Suspense Music Builds)
Barbara: Just...Until--
Phil: Yes! Thank You! Thank You!
Pim: The house...Is mine! All mine!
Barbara: Pim! I've told you a hundred times if you're gonna disappear under cover of a smoke bomb, take it outside!
Pim: (Distantly) Sorry, Mom.

Phil: I really appreciate you makin' room for me, Curtis.
Curtis: Uh...Uhh...Tsee-tonga.
Phil: What's the matter?
Curtis: Newcomer not allowed live inside without first ceremony of king. Ah. (Chuckles)
Phil: Is this gonna take long?
Curtis: Curtis must thank sun, earth wind. 3 days.
Phil: Can we snap it up a little?
Curtis: Hmm...Ahh, we no thank wind. 2 minutes, Tops. Ceremony begin! Tseeaahhh...Tseee...Tonga!
Phil: Thank the wind! Thank the wind!
Curtis: Um...Sun tonga! Tonga!
(Bird Tweets)
Curtis: Wind very persnickety today.
Phil: Yeah.
Curtis: Okay. Ha ha!
Phil: Where do i put my bags?
Curtis: No, no! Not there! No! Not there. Just give Curtis.
Curtis: Switch that make magic light here. Box that make magic picture...Here.
(Fly Buzzes)
Phil: What's This?
Curtis: Honor bar.
Phil: This is awesome!
Curtis: Curtis run a few errands. Phil need anything?
Phil: No, no, i'm good.
Curtis: Okay. Okay. Tsee tonga. Hey, Girlie.
Keely: Hey, Phil. I came...By to...See the new...
Phil: What do you think?
Keely: It's a garage.
Phil: I know! Isn't this the coolest place to live ever?
Keely: Yeah, if you're a car. (Chuckles)
Phil: I admit it's no swanky penthouse in the pickford swank district. You know, this is my chance to get free from under my parents!
Keely: You're right. I'm--I'm sorry. I think you can really do a lot with this place. and the first thing we're gonna do is throw you a garage-warming party.

Barbara: (Sighs)
Pim: Feed me. Come on, Ma. I'm on empty.
Barbara: I...Set 4 places for breakfast, but we only need (Tearfully) 3. Seems like only yesterday that phil ate breakfast here.
Pim: It was yesterday.
Barbara: Remember the first day...Right after he moved out?
Pim: That's now. You're being nostalgic about now!
Barbara: I know it's hard for you to understand, Pim. When you get older, you'll see that time really does fly.
Lloyd: Has anyone seen my Welder's helmet?
Pim: Not if dad's the pilot.
Barbara: Lloyd, have you made any headway with the floor repair?
Lloyd: Sweetie, you're forgetting we don't live in the 22nd century, where you have everything you need with the press of a button. I'm gonna have to go out and find a place that specializes in hammers, nails, uh, paints, plaster. It's not like i can quit my job at the hardware store and then just...Wait a minute. I just thought of a place.

Phil: Bruno. Hey. Phill Diffy. How's the H.G. Wells star quarterback? Hey, congrats on winning the fingerbowl last week. Yeah. Listen, Keely and i are throwing a housewarming party at my place tonight. Uh, and, well, you're on the short list. Yeah. I--I got my own crib out back.
(Loud Vacuuming)
Phil: Hello! Bruno?! Bruno! Hey...I Gotta go. Curtis, i was on the phone.
Curtis: Feet also on table. Where've you learn manners? Barnyard?
Phil: I'm not the caveman here.
Curtis: Could fool Curtis. Phil clothes. Oh, Phil, Phil. Now...Curtis clothes. Phil books...Curtis books. Curtis arrange by author...Then subject.
Phil: Are you finished?
Curtis: Now we talk about throwing party without Curtis approval?
Phil: Okay. I just moved away from my mother. I don't need another one.
Curtis: Then stop acting like child.
Phil: I am not a child. I'm a responsible adult...Like person, and i don't need your permission to throw a party.
Curtis: In Curtis cave, you play by Curtis rules.
Phil: Okay, technically this isn't a cave. And even more technically, this cave is my garage!
Curtis: Oh! Phil claim Curtis cave?!
Phil: Oh, you don't scare me.
Curtis: Arrhh!
Phil: Okay. Okay. You scare me a little.
Lloyd: Phil! Great news.
Phil: What?
Lloyd: First of all, in the 21st century, there are these places called hardware stores. I work at one! Ha ha!
Barbara: Your father found some present-day tools me can use to fix your floor. You'll be able to move back in no time.
Curtis: Yeah.
Pim: What?!
(Door Slams)
(Door Opens And Closes)
(Second Footsteps)
(Second Door Opens And Closes)
(Third Footsteps)
Pim: I couldn't help but overhear.
Phil: Look, i don't want to move back in. I like it out here.
Pim: And i like him out here.
Barbara: Phil, you are too young to be living in the garage.
Phil: When are you going to get it? I'm not a little kid anymore.
Lloyd: Barb, it's not gonna hurt to let Phil give it a shot.
Curtis: Wait. Curtis no want to live in garage with Phil.
Phil: Then you can live in my room.
Pim: (Laughing) Yes!
Curtis: Mmm...Curtis on board.
Lloyd: Well, ho-hold on. Hold on. Phil's bedroom floor isn't fixed yet. It's gonna take quite a while.
Curtis: You got a lumber, floor joists, perhaps a plumb line?
Lloyd: Yeah.
Curtis: Curtis solve problem right now.

Lloyd: Nice job.
Curtis: Yeah.
Barbara: I'm not crazy about the rug. (Gasps)
Curtis: Uh, Curtis still have to sand it.
Phil: Great. Uh, Curtis can have my room, and i'll take the garage.
Barbara: If you want to break a mother's heart!
Phil: Don't worry. I'm still your little boy...Barb.

Barbara: Ohhh...My baby's come home.
Phil: Got to stop doing that every time i walk in the door, Barb. Mrs. Diffy? Mom?
Lloyd: Ah. A little snack for game night?
Phil: Actually, Dad...Mr. Diffy, Lloyd?
Lloyd: What? It's fun.
Phil: I...Am throwin' a little party at my place tonight.
Lloyd: Well, since you want to be, uh, treated as an adult...
Phil: "Bill For Food"? (Chuckles) Get this stuff cheaper at the store.
Lloyd: You're paying for convenience. That's why i located here. And while we're on the subject...
Phil: Gas...Electric...Water, internet?
Lloyd: Welcome to grown-up world. You get the gains, you get the pains.
Phil: (Chuckles) Very funny, Lloyd.

(Party Music Playing)
Keely: I have to admit...This place looks amazing. You'd never even know it's a garage.
(Loud Knocking)
Phil: Hupp, got it!
(Door Opener Hums)
Phil: Hey...Bruno! And you brought your crew. Come on in, Bruno's crew.
Bruno: Cool. You got your own place.
Phil: Yeah. Yeah. Would've been long ago, but, you know, parents couldn't bear to lose me. You can see their house from here.
Bruno: Brought you a little housewarming. Some of Bruno's famous slaw.
Phil: It's...It's empty.
Bruno: We got caught in traffic.
Keely: Congratulations on winning the teriyaki poll.
Bruno: You know, Keely, uh...All we can really do is try. But when you try with a little umph, you get umph out of your try...Which makes triumph. (Chuckles)
(Sigh Uncomfortably)
Bruno: That's right. Chew on that while i chew on this.
(Circuit Breaker Shuts Off)
Phil: All right, Everbody, just relax. I'll handle this...And, Bruno, that--that's me, not Keely.
Bruno: Sorry.
(Indistinct Chatter)
Phil: That's still me. Lloyd, you turned off the electricity in the garage.
Lloyd: Sorry, Phil, but you didn't pay your bill.
Phil: But we just got this party started. Can't you wait to turn off the electricity till later, like, when i go to sleep?
Lloyd: Sure...In kid world, but this is adult world, where electricity goes off when you don't pay your bills.
Keely: Phil, everybody's gonna head home! I mean...What can a bunch of teenagers do in a garage in the dark with no parental supervision?
Phil: You're right. All right. Well, thanks for comin'.
Bruno: F.Y.I...The slaw container's not dishwasher-safe, so if you could just give it a quick little rinse-ski...that'd be good.
Keely: I'm gonna head home, too. Happy garage.
Lloyd: Phil. Why don't you come in the house for dinner and game night? You can be on my team for (Mispronouncing) Charades!
Phil: That is my home, and that's where i'm staying. I don't need electricity, and i don't need you!
Phil: Can you at least keep the electricity on until i get to the couch? Thank you.

Barbara: Curtis. It was so nice of you to cook tonight.
Curtis: Thanks, Mom.
Lloyd: And delicious! What was this? Beef? Pork? Chicken?
Curtis: Uh...Just say...Not fast runner.
Lloyd: Oh.
Pim: There are so many things i like about Curtis. He's not Phil, he was no Phil-like qualities, and, unlike Phil, he's someone other than Phil.
Curtis: Oh! Curtis like Pim, too. Pim pretty...And smart.
Pim: Thank you, Curtis.
Curtis: Pim good digger, too.
Pim: That's enough, Curtis.
Lloyd: Digger?
Curtis: Curtis find excellent tunnels from Pim's room to back fence. Uh, main tunnel, side tunnel, emergency tunnel--
Pim: Zip it, Curtis!
Barbara: Tunnels?
Curtis: Pim very thoughtful, too. Only use dead of night so not wake up Barb and Lloyd.
Barbara: You...Are grounded. 2 weeks for every tunnel you made.
Lloyd: And we mean above-grounded.
Pim: You knuckle-dragging yaboo!
Curtis: Nrrahh!
Lloyd: Enough! We are all gonna join in a rousing game of (Mispronouncing) Charades and have a jolly old time. Okay? Do i make myself clear?
Both: Yes, Dad.
Barbara: Honey, how can we have game night without the whole family?
Lloyd: I've already asked Phil, honey, and he'd rather be in his garage. he loves it there.

Barbara: Um...Oh...Oh! Oh! Ooh...Oh! Romeo and Juliet!
Lloyd: Yeah!
Barbara: Yes!
Lloyd: Yay! The score--Curtis and Pim, zip, the almighty megalatrons, 3!
Pim: You'd think someone who could barely talk would be better at this game.
Curtis: Ooh, Curtis cut in 2 by Pim wit.
Barbara: Pim, your turn.
Lloyd: Here we go. Ha ha!
Curtis: Focus! 3 word! Last word. Run! Leave! Go! Uh, Pim go! Pim dig! Oh. Pim dig tunnel and leave house! Bad Pim. Pim grounded.
Pim: That's it! You're done!
Lloyd: Pim, down!
Curtis: Pim no scare Curtis.
Pim: Rahrr!
Curtis: Okay, Pim scare Curtis a little.

Phil: They're really havin' fun in there.

Pim: Just give me 5 seconds with him!
Lloyd: Now, Pim, calm down!
Curtis: Makalowa tsee-tonga!
Barbara: Curtis! Watch your language! Get--Oh!
(Screaming And Crashing)
Lloyd: Ohh! Ooh!

Phil: Ohh! Ohh! How'd you sneak in here? Tunnel number 3?
Pim: You know about 3-zie?
Phil: I've always known. I've just never told mom and dad.
Pim: Too bad jurassic the clown doesn't share your code of honor. One day, and he's already gotten me grounded for a month.
Phil: Well, let's just hope he doesn't figure out your plan to breed and market attack squirrels.
Pim: You know about that, too? See? You're a much more worthy opponet. Too bad you're out of here, right?
Phil: (Sighs) I'll break my rule and be honest with you. I don't really love being on my own, but if i tell mom and dad, then i'm right back where i started.
Pim: I'm seeing a mutually beneficial arrangement. I get rid of Curtis and you get your room back without groveling.
Phil: Look, I am willing to try anything if it gets me back into the house and lets me keep my new-found maturity.
Pim: So why'd you sneak in here anyway? Forget your blankie?
Phil: No. Just a small swatch of fabric that means absolutely nothing to me.

Pim: (Wheezing) (Whimpering)
Lloyd: Whoa! Pim!
Barbara: What's wrong, Sweetheart?
Lloyd: Another nightmare about the collapse of the capitalist system?
Pim: (Whining) I miss my big brother.
Lloyd: Are we both dreaming the same dream or did Pim just say she misses Phil?
Barbara: It's Pim and she's our little girl and she misses our little boy.
Lloyd: And when did she get freckles?
Barbara: Lloyd, we are losing touch with our children!
Pim: (As A Baby) Is Phil ever coming back?
Barbara: Lloyd, I don't care how you do it, I want you to convince Phil to move back in.
Lloyd: Okay, honey, first thing in the morning.
Pim: (Slap)
Lloyd: Aah! You mean now, don't you?
Pim: Thank you, Daddykins.
Barbara: I'm coming with, Honey.
Pim: (Whimpering)
(Door Closes)
Pim: (Sighs) Ahh, this mattress flexes to meet my every curve.

Lloyd: Hi, Phil!
Phil: Lloyd. Barb.
Barbara: Well, won't you come in?
Lloyd: Is there any way we can convince you to move back into your old room?
Phil: Gee, Lloyd, I don't know.
Barbara: We promise to always knock before entering your room.
Lloyd: It's your sister Pim, she really misses you.
Phil: Oh. Well, if it's for Pim...Sure. (Scoffs) Kids, huh?
Barbara: He really is growing up. Oh! He dropped his blankie.

It's a Wonder-Phil Life

Christmas Break

Stuck in the Meddle With You

Broadcast Blues

Happy Nird-day

Ill of the Future

Where's the Wizard?

Not So Great-Great Grandpa

Back To The Future (Not The Movie)

Keely: (on the morning announcements) Good morning. Here's today's daily headline munchie. I'm Keely Teslow. The top story: the results are in for the yearbook votes. May I have the envelope, please?
[Phil runs on camera with the envelope and hands it to Keely.]
Keely: In the category of best dressed, the winner is...Donnie Ron Con Commo. Congratulations, Donnie. Best dressed...Archer Slickman. Cutest couple...Keely Teslow and Phil Diffy -- WHAT THE?
[Phil and Keely both have confused and shocked looks on their faces.]

Phil: Unless -- do -- do you wanna be a couple?
Keely: (quickly) No.
Phil: (confirming) No.
Keely: Do you?
Phil: ...Nooooo.
Keely: (shyly) Yes.
Phil: Yes?
Keely: I do.
Phil: Me too!
Keely: Yay! We're a couple!
Phil: Shhh!
Keely: Phil, the whole school just voted us cutest couple. I think they know.

[Phil comes into the family's kitchen, dancing and looking happy]
Phil: Ah! Isn't everything more colorful today?
Barbara: Phil, we've got some great news!
Phil: So do I -- Keely and I are together.
Barbara: Oh, honey, that's so wonderful -- (hugs Phil, pauses) -- in a horribly sad and heart-wrenching way.
Phil: What do you mean?
Pim: (mock excitedly) We're going home, Ace! Still up for that hug?!

Keely: Phil, do you know how many times the "time machine" has been "fixed" by your "dad"?
Phil: Why did you put air quotes around 'dad'?
Keely: Did I? Eh, sloppy finger work.
Phil: I mean, it's for real this time, the time machine's really fixed, for real, really. My dad tested it and we're going home.
Keely: Oh. When are you leaving?
Phil: Tomorrow morning at 8:30. My dad wants to be in the 8th dimension by noon to beat time traffic --
Keely: Phil, we finally get to be a couple and then, like, a day later you're leaving?
Phil: I'm sorry --
[Keely gets up and leaves.]
Phil: Keel? Keel...

Pim: Boo-hoo, Phil's gonna miss his girlfriend, wah, wah, wah. (laughs, then pauses) Wow, I think I hate myself.

[All the family comes out at night to destroy the time machine and catch each other in the act.]
Pim: (holding a hammer) Okay, who else used the coconut excuse?
[Barbara points to herself and Lloyd.]
Pim: Yeah. Coconuts. Me too.
[Pim goes back to bed.]

Keely: (realizing) I can't not say goodbye to Phil!

Keely: (seeing Phil) Phil! You're still here! Does that mean you're not going?
Phil: No, no, I'm still going.
Keely: Oh...
Phil: I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye for real.
Keely: Well, good --
[Phil kisses her. Cut to various shots of the school, where everyone is cheering loudly.]
Keely: (stops kissing Phil) Bye.
Keely: (whispering in his ear) In the future will you wait for me?
Phil: Really? 'Cause won't you be really, really old?
[Keely gives him a look.]
Phil: But that shouldn't matter. See ya, Pepper.
Keely: See ya, Salt.
[A pause.]
Phil: ...Well, I gotta go. My dad's waiting in the time machine...(realizing he's still on TV)...ride at the amusement park!
[Phil leaves. Keely sits back down in her anchor seat. There's a brief pause.]
Keely: In -- uh -- in other news -- oh, we all know nothing's gonna top that.
[She throws her papers up in the air and walks off screen, marking the last time we see her in the series.]

[The last line of the series. Curtis comes out into the deserted Diffy kitchen, apparently abandoned.]
Curtis: Hello? Anybody home?!