Police Squad!

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If frugality were established in the state, and if our expenses were laid out to meet needs rather than superfluities of life, there might be fewer wants, and even fewer pleasures, but infinitely more happiness.
Oliver Goldsmith
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Police squad (1982) was a comedy series that ran for only 6 episodes in 1982. Created by the team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker it later went on to form the basis of their "Naked Gun" series of feature films. The basic premise was a spoof of other Quinn Martin police dramas.

One of the recurring jokes was in the title: A title was shown on the screen, and the narrator would read off something totally different. Here, the first title is the one shown on screen, while the one in parenthesis was read aloud. Episodes are presented in order.

Season One

A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise) [1.1]

[Frank's driving around the city at night with a laundry basket in the seat next to him]
Frank Drebin: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.
[Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are interviewing a witness to a shooting]
Sally: Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.
Frank Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally: No, Jim Johnson.
Frank Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Ed: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally: He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.
Frank Drebin: Phil who?
Ed: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.
Sally: Oh, if only Phil had been here...
Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then
[In the police crime lab, Olsen is showing Drebin a ballistics penetration test... but shooting a a row of VHS tapes in boxes on a shelf]
Ted Olson: You'll notice that the bullet only penetrated to the point where Barbara asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she wants to be.

"Ring of Fear" (A Dangerous Assignment) [1.2]

[Acting as a coach to a boxer, Frank takes a saxophone away from Buddy]
Frank Drebin: Sorry, Buddy. No sax before a fight.

[Frank tries to find whether boxer Buddy Briggs can beat The Champ]
Frank Drebin: Now do you think you can beat The Champ?
Buddy: I can take him blindfolded.
Frank Drebin: What if he's not blindfolded?
Buddy: I can still beat him.

The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand) [1.3]

Frank Drebin: Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
Frank Drebin: "Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her."
Warner: "The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!"
Frank Drebin: "That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive."

[after his daughter is kidnapped]
Warner: "What do I do?!?"
Frank: "I believe you are in the textile industry."

[at the start of the investigation]
Frank: "Is there a ransom note?"
Ed: "Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars."
Frank: "Why would the lab demand a million dollars?"

Revenge and Remorse (The Guilty Alibi) [1.4]

Lana Casales: "He hangs out there with some chorus girl, a floozy named Mimi Du Jour"
Ed Hocken: "Du Jour? Is she French?"
Lana Casales: "That's just her stage name, her real name is Mimi Coffee"
Ed Hocken: "Coffee?"
Lana Casales: "No, thank you"

[After breaking into Mimi's dressing room]
Mimi Du Jour: "Is this some kind of bust?"
Frank Drebin: "Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions."

Mimi Du Jour: "We went to the movies"
Frank Drebin: "Oh, yeah?"
Mimi Du Jour: "Yeah, On the Waterfront"
Ed Hocken: "Come on, there are no movie theatres on the waterfront"

[At the scene of an exploded car and a dead man]
Officer Norberg: "I can't believe anybody could do something so cruel"
Frank Drebin: "Senseless brutality, senseless waste"
Ed Hocken: "Cut down in the prime of life"
Officer Norberg: "That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?"

[while questioning Eddie, Norberg comes in]
Frank Drebin: "All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?"
Eddie Casales: "I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies"
Norberg: [after coming in] "I got the sandwiches here"
Ed Hocken: "Al right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?"
Edddie Casales: "I told you, I don't remember"
Norberg: "Who had the egg salad?"
Ed Hocken: [mimicking Eddie] "I don't remember"
Norberg: "Somebody ordered it"
Frank Drebin: "You don't expect us to buy that"
Norberg: "But I already payed for it"
Eddie Casales: "Why don't you give a guy a break"
Norberg: "Thanks a lot"
Eddie Casales : "What's the charge?"
Norberg: "$4,58"
Ed Hocken: "What are you trying to do, insult us?"
Norberg: "Okay, $3,50. Coffee's on me"
Eddie Casales: "I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember."
Frank Drebin: "You don't expect us to swallow that"
Norberg: "All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it." (walks away)
Ed Hocken: "All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies"
ALL: "You did go to the movies"
Frank Drebin: "Then let's say you were nowhere near the club flamingo"
Eddie Casales: "Allright"
ALL: "you were nowhere near the club flamingo"
Frank Drebin: "Then, explain this to me" (shows him the matchbox)
Eddie Casales: "Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulphur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire."

Frank Drebin: "When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour, she wanted me to come to the club rightaway. Since I had no idea wher the club rightaway was I suggested to go to the club flamingo, she agreed."

Rendez-vous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) [1.5]

Frank Drebin:"Coffee?"
Jill:"No, thank you"
Frank Drebin:"Tea?"
Frank Drebin:(as dessert cart is wheeled over) "Éclair? Rum ball? Torte?"
Jill:"No, really, thank you"

Frank Drebin:"Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool."
Officer: (Gagging) "Frank please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich"
Frank Drebin:"A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil"
Ed Hocken:"Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother"

Ed Hocken:"I tell ya Frank, without a whitness, we're dead"
Frank Drebin:"Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.
Ed Hocken:"I don't understand Frank"
Frank Drebin:"Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop"
Ed Hocken:"All right"
BOTH:"A new merchant moves into the neighbourhood and opens up a shop"
Frank Drebin:"Then let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demant payments."
Ed Hocken:"All right"
BOTH:"That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demant payments."
Ed Hocken:"That's a good plan Frank"

[Talking about a rock]
Frank Drebin:"Where did it come from?"
Ted Olsen:"That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molted mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call "Rock""

Leo:"We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected"
Frank Drebin:"The way I look at it you owe me a hundred dollars for that window"
Rocky:"Us? I don't know what you're talking about"
Frank Drebin: (shows the rock) "So how do you explain this"
Leo:"Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molted mass"

Frank Drebin: "It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address."

[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) [1.6]

"Mr. V": That was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
Frank Drebin: Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.


[Frank Drebin offers someone he's talking to a cigarette]
Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
(Whoever he's talking to): Yes, I know. or Yes, it is.

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