Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.Josh Billings
- Written and directed by John Waters.
- I wish I could be more like you, Cuddles, always optimistic. I look into my future and all I see is a long, dark highway, filled with endless tollbooths and no exits.
- Oh, everything smells so much better now.
- This house is just like Architectural Digest, Francine!
- Oh Heintz, she's straight from the gutter!
- At first I thought he was walking the dog. Then I realized it was his date.
- [after ripping a garment trying to squeeze into it] God damn these designers.
- God Francine, you're the most drinkinest gal I've ever seen!
- I got ants in my pants!
- Dr. Quackenshaw: Through this nose, come some of life's most rewarding sensations, and we plan to share with you some of the most beautiful odors known to mankind. Unfortunately, this same nose is also responsible for bringing us some odors that are rather... repulsive. We have not shied away from this distressing fact. You may experience some odors that will shock you! But the producers of this film believe that today's audiences are mature enough to accept the fact that some things in life just plain stink!
- Protester: You bought this house with the profits of porno!
- Sister: [after getting hit in a drive-by brooming] White honkey! You crazy cracka! What's wrong with these children of today? Don't he know he just hit one of the sisters of the church! I'm sick and tired of what these children are doing! [hijacks a bus]
- Footstomper Victim: Some people think this is funny, but I have three broken toes to show for it!
- Francine's Mother: Good Lord Francine, don't you know it's bad luck to let retarded people in your home?
- Principal: It is the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane and a hazard to the safety of the other students.
- Sandra Sullivan: See these rings? Guess who bought them for me! if you want you can look at my clothes. They're the finest of polyester and I didn't pay for them!
- Footstomper Witness: I seen it, man, I seen this weird lookin' dude run right out and stomp on this honkey lady's feet!
- Elmer: [while driving around, speaking into a loudspeaker] Francine Fishpaw lives at 538 Wyman Way. She weighs 300 pounds and is an alcoholic! She eats an entire cake in one sitting. You should see her stretchmarks. Because of her drunkenness, both of her children are delinquents! She's the hairiest woman I've ever laid eyes on! [laughs maniacally]
- Nun: Prostitutes and devils' witches lose their babies! PRAY with us, girls!
- Lulu: I never wanted to use macramé to kill!
- Protester: Our children are going to hell becuase of your theater, what do you have to say to them!?
- Elmer: Children under 12 are a dollar fifty!
- Francine: Where did you get that outfit?
- Lulu: [while gyrating wildly] I borrowed it! Do you like it?
- Francine: That's a new garment, Lulu. I can smell it! Have you been shoplifting again?
- Lulu: I bought it with money I saved!
- Francine: What money? You don't have a job.
- Lulu: Boys at scool give me money.
- Francine: For what?
- Lulu: For dancing at lunch period!
- Francine: You dance lewdly for the boys at lunch period?
- Lulu: For a quarter I will!
- Francine's Mother: [walks in on Francine on the toilet] Can't you do that later? I don't have all day you know! I'm missing valuable shopping time!
- Francine: Mother, please, I'll be out in a second.
- Francine's Mother: I don't know why you bother, you've always retained your fluids!
- Samdra: Elmer, I have something to show you! Yes sir-ee, oral contraceptives! They'll suppress my ovulation through hormones!
- Elmer: I got something for you, Sandra! I got condoms! Red hot prophylactics, black, your favorite color!
- Francine: Lulu, you have failed every single subject again!
- Lulu: Oh no Mom, they changed the grading system! F is for Fantastic!
- Francine: You little liar. It's a good thing you're not Pinocchio, your nose would be a mile long!
- Lulu: I need money for a cab. Have you forgotten today's the day for my abortion?
- Francine: Lulu, there's a living thing inside of you. Oh Lulu, have the baby. We'll raise it together, We'll get a little bassinet and some Pampers. Oh Lulu, that baby is part of you!
- Lulu: It's stealing part of me, you mean! I can feel it like cancer, getting bigger and bigger like the blob! One day it'll rip me open, and it'll be there in my life, ready to rob me of every bit of fun I deserve to have!
- Francine: I really don't know what to say.
- AA meeting crowd: SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!
- Francine: My name is Francine Fishpaw...
- AA meeting crowd: AND? AND? AND?
- Francine: And I am an alcoholic!
- Protester: Don't have this abortion!
- Protester: How does it feel to be a murderer?!
- Protester: Killer! Murderer!
- Protester: Babies want to live too you know!
- Protester: Suppose Einstein's mother had an abortion!
- Protester: Or John F. Kennedy's, huh?!
- Protester: What if Mary and Joseph had had an abortion, what then!?
- Group: PRO LIFE PRO LIFE PRO LIFE PRO LIFE!
- Protester: [slaps Lulu] That's from Jesus! That's what he would do, you murderer!
- Filmed in ODORAMA
- It'll Blow Your Nose!
- Smelling is believing.
- It's Scentsational!
- Divine - Francine Fishpaw
- Tab Hunter - Todd Tomorrow
- Edith Massey - Cuddles Kovinsky
- David Samson - Elmer Fishpaw
- Mary Garlington - Lu-Lu Fishpaw
- Ken King - Dexter Fishpaw
- Mink Stole - Sandra Sullivan
- Joni Ruth White - La Rue
- Hans Kramm - Heintz