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Porridge (1974–1977) is a British BBC television sitcom, written by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais and starring Ronnie Barker and Richard Beckinsale. In a 2004 BBC poll of the 50 greatest British sitcoms, it was voted number 6. It is set in the fictional "Slade Prison" in Cumberland (now Cumbria).


Prisoner and Escort

Series 1

New Faces, Old Hands [1.1]

[credits introduction to every episode]
Judge: Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years.

Mackay: Any questions?
Fletch: Any point?
Mackay: None whatsoever.

Fletch: Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet.
Godber: Why?
Fletch: 'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life!

Doctor: Suffer from any illness?
Fletch: Bad feet.
Doctor: Suffer from any illness?
Fletch: Bad feet!
Doctor: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
Fletch: Only with my bad feet.
Doctor: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?
Fletch: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?

Doctor: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
Fletch: What, from 'ere?

Godber: I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances.
Fletch: Which were?
Godber: I got caught.

Heslop: I read a book once. Green, it was.

Fletch [explaining to Godber about the early lights-out]: If you wanna watch Z Cars, forget it. You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleedin' Wimbledon.

The Hustler [1.2]

[Fletcher is on the farm, feeding the pigs]
Fletch: You eat like pigs an' all!

Mackay: What have you got there, Fletcher?
Fletch: [sotto voce] Crown jewels. [out loud] Chicken feed!
Mackay: Empty it.
Fletch: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!
Mackay: Empty it!
[Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed]
Mackay: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!
Fletch: I won't, Mr Mackay.
Mackay: You won't what?
Fletch: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!

A Night In [1.3]

Fletch [to Godber]: We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is.

A Day Out [1.4]

[Barrowclough and the prisoners are trapped in a locked church]
Barrowclough: Come on, Fletcher, you've been convicted of breaking and entering.
Fletch: Ah - "entering" being the operative word, Mr Barrowclough. I ain't never been convicted of breaking out of nowhere.

Ways And Means [1.5]

Fletch: Lots of famous people have been illegitimate, you know. William the Conqueror.... Napper Wainwright....
McLaren: Who's Napper Wainwright?
Fletch: He was a screw at Brixton. Mind you, he was a bastard.

Men Without Women[1.6]

Series 2

Just Desserts [2.1]

Heartbreak Hotel [2.2]

Disturbing The Peace [2.3]

No Peace For The Wicked[2.4]

Fletch [sings]: Born free..... till somebody caught me.....

Happy Release [2.5]

The Harder They Fall [2.6]

Christmas Special (1975)

No Way Out

Christmas Special (1976)

The Desperate Hours

Series 3

A Storm In A Teacup [3.1]

Poetic Justice [3.2]

Fletch [to Rawley, the judge who sentenced him]: If I'd known you was bent I could have slipped you a few bob!

Rough Justice [3.3]

Pardon Me [3.4]

[Fletch and Blanco are playing Monopoly]
Fletch [draws a Chance card]: Would you Adam and Eve it? "Go to jail".

A Test of Character [3.5]

Final Stretch [3.6]

Fletch [explaining his advice for prisoners to Mackay]: One: Bide your time. Two: Keep your nose clean. And three: don't let the bastards grind you down.


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