QI

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QI, standing for Quite Interesting, is a comedy panel game shown on BBC Two and BBC Four and hosted by Stephen Fry, with permanent panellist Alan Davies.


Series One [A]

Episode A.01

[On the subject of Adam and Eve]
Stephen Fry: But perhaps, you know, we should believe in Adam and Eve. Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived a hundred and fifty thousand years ago. Scientists actually call her "Eve", and every man shares a single male ancestor called "Adam". It's also been established, however, that Adam was born eighty thousand years after Eve. So the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.

[After a question concerning Burmese etiquette]
Stephen Fry: While double-checking this...on the Internet, we came up with the extraordinary information that it's considered polite to express joy by eating snow and to send unwanted guests away by biting their leg, and normal behaviour to wipe your mouth on the sofa. This is actually true, the researchers were writing this down with great excitement about Burma, only to discover in the end that Burma turned out to be the name of a poodle belonging to the author of the website.

Episode A.02

Stephen Fry: Where is ninety percent of the universe?
Jeremy Hardy: Ikea.

Jeremy Hardy: You're basing all this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs.

Episode A.03

Stephen Fry: Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.
Alan Davies: Against their will?

Stephen Fry: What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?
Clive Anderson: Is it the Welsh Alphabet?

Episode A.04

Stephen Fry: What is the most boring place in Britain?
Jo Brand: Is it the Big Brother House?

Alan Davies: Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?
Stephen Fry: Yes, you know, and--
Alan Davies: The effete Italian homosexual?
Stephen Fry: Yes, that's the one, he was not effete--
Alan Davies: Played by the president of the gun club?
Stephen Fry: He was an athletic Italian homosexual...He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!

Episode A.05

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Episode A.06

[Danny Baker has related a theory that states if a person can lick their own elbow, then they will be immortal]
Stephen Fry: But isn't that how socialism was invented, that someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows"?

Danny Baker: The fourth largest navy in the world, if one goes by boats alone? Disney. Disney has the fourth largest flotilla in the world.
Stephen Fry: Good God. They'll be making films next!

Episode A.07

Jackie Clune: I have an Australian girlfriend who has two vaginas. She went to have a smear test and the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, but they're only in one of your vaginas." She says, "Oh, I've been saving the other one for that special man."

Jackie Clune: It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.
Jimmy Carr: By a woman scorned?

Episode A.08

[randomly, during a question as to whether banana plants are trees]

Sean Lock: They walk.
Stephen Fry: I'm sorry?
Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a lion mates with a tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Episode A.09

Stephen Fry: Who are the Lords of Shouting?
Jo Brand, Alan Davies: (hitting their buzzers) WE ARE!

Episode A.11

[discussing the possibility of receiving xenotransplanted organs from pigs]
Linda Smith: Now what are the chances of a reckless young pig, goes out and gets killed in a motorcycle accident? They probably don't even carry donor cards!

Stephen Fry: It's in the Bible...
Alan Davies: I haven't read it!
Stephen Fry: You should - it's hilarious.

Episode A.12: Christmas Special

[when asked which was the odd one out from London, Paris, Poland and Banana, all places on Christmas Island...]
Stephen Fry: The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.
Phill Jupitus: What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa!..."
Stephen Fry: Is that meant to be me? (Phill was impersonating Fry's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett)
Phill Jupitus: That's you!
Stephen Fry: Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that - bahahaaa, bahahaaa...

Series Two [B]

Episode B.01

Stephen Fry: Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called —
Bill Bailey: Coleopterists.
Stephen Fry: Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.
Alan Davies: Press him on how the hell he knows that.
Bill Bailey: Well, when I was a child, I —
Stephen Fry: In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
Bill Bailey: Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!

Stephen Fry: [discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.
Alan Davies: Oh, for God's sake.
Stephen Fry: I know.
Alan Davies: Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?
Stephen Fry: They're not.
Sean Lock: [holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Episode B.02

Jo Brand: When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD...
Stephen Fry: Oh, my Lord!
Jo Brand: - It went to Glastonbury.

Episode B.05

Stephen Fry: What has large teeth and only one facial expression?
Bill Bailey: Janet Street-Porter.
[Forfeit klaxon sounds]

[on the word "hello", as opposed to "hullo"]
Stephen Fry: It just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: ...Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.

Alan Davies: What was the last thing that made you go 'hullo'?
Stephen Fry: A genital wart.
Alan Davies: I knew it was going to be something about genitals.

Episode B.07

Stephen Fry: What would you say if I said to you that the British Empire was built on diarrhoea?
Rich Hall: I'd say you were ful of shit.

Stephen Fry: Do you know what "biscuit" means? What it's derivation is? "Bis" meaning...
Alan Davies: Eat, chew, bit...
Stephen Fry: ...twice...
Alan Davies: ...bite...
Stephen Fry: ...twice...
Alan Davies: ...bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.
Stephen Fry: ...twice. [laughs] Sweet, hard, coffee cup?
Alan Davies: Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.

Arthur Smith: Here's a quite interesting fact: As we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore"....
Stephen Fry: Yes...
Arthur Smith: Do you know what the French shout?
Stephen Fry: "Bis"?
Arthur Smith: Oh yeah, you do know.

Episode B.10

Stephen Fry: What is bottomry?
Clive Anderson: It's the opposite of topiary.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson's.

Episode B.11

Sean Lock: The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.
Alan Davies: So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.

[on the inventor of the Hokey Cokey ]
Stephen Fry: He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?
Alan Davies: Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.
Stephen Fry: Why was that?
Alan Davies: Well, they put the left leg in... Then the trouble started.

Episode B.12

Alan Davies: Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?
Stephen Fry: Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.
[Alan shuffles papers]
Alan Davies: [sighs disappointedly]...Yes, that's true.
Phill Jupitus: "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [As Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master... of the bathroom"!

Alan Davies: What would your super power be of choice?
Stephen Fry: Invisibility.
Alan Davies: Really?
Stephen Fry: Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?
Alan Davies: I would like to have NO bodily smell.

Series Three [C]

Episode C.01

Rich Hall: For five million pounds, I'd want a map that showed me looking at the map I'd just bought.

Stephen Fry: What is a taffy pull?
Rob Brydon: Is this another dig at my forefathers?
Stephen Fry: You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.

Episode C.02

Doon Mackichan: I'd quite like to be, sort of... a minute... old. After the smack and everything's washed off, you're straight on the tit, you've got entertainment, you've got sleep and you can cry all the time without anyone thinking you're weird.

[Guessing the contents of the Queen's handbag]
Doon Mackichan: The Little Book of Calm... and mace spray.

Episode C.03

[Rory has been displaying his knowledge of the periodic table]
Rory McGrath: Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.
Stephen Fry: Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.

[About Mr. Chicken, the last private resident of 10 Downing Street]
Stephen Fry: Sadly, nothing else is known of Mr. Chicken.
Jimmy Carr: He was a philatelist, and he worked in a bank. And he used to sail. So there's three facts, so I should get some points for those. Little-known facts, but true.
Rory McGrath: I think he also played the tenor banjo.
Sean Lock: He had eleven knuckles!
Alan Davies: And, in fact, was actually a chicken.

Episode C.04

[Jeremy Clarkson holds up a sign saying 'I like Stephen']
Stephen Fry: It's like having your own little performing donkeys.

Stephen Fry: In 1900 there was a sport where Britain won a gold medal, in which the only other country that competed was France. Can you imagine what that might have been?
John Sessions: Arrogance?

Episode C.05

Stephen Fry: What do you get when you cross a camel with a leopard?
Jo Brand: Is it a fireside rug you can have a good hump on?
Sean Lock: You get sacked from the zoo?

[On how the ancient armies caught elephants]
Rich Hall: Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no... no circus coming through town...

Episode C.06

Stephen Fry: So, the question is, how does the U.S. Government look after its Sequoia groves?
Bill Bailey: Er... lions... and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas...
Alan Davies: Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the Sequoia?

Stephen Fry: Why shouldn't I strip Alan naked and cover him in gold paint?
Phill Jupitus: You, win your Oscar properly like everybody else!

Episode C.07

Sean Lock: I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a "Grow Your Own Loofah" kit.
Stephen Fry: God bless her!
Sean Lock: It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest.

Jeremy Clarkson: D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?
Stephen Fry: With grated puffin?
Jeremy Clarkson: I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh...!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.
Sean Lock: I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"...

Episode C.08

[On fortune cookies]
Phill Jupitus: I wish they'd be a bit more honest - I mean, snap, "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is on the way"!

[After Alan has related a tale of him being a member of the pub quiz team]
Phill Jupitus: Wouldn't it be great if you walked into a pub with him, though, (points at Stephen) with Fry on your team? "Yeah, this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And Fry would be there having to fake it in the pub - "Oh, blimey!"
Bill Bailey: Giving it away by swearing in Latin!

Episode C.09

Bill Bailey: I saw a goat up a tree in Morocco. They go right up the top! I couldn't believe it, I thought it was somebody in the pub having me on, but no...
Stephen Fry: And they go into the tree, not a goathanger?

Stephen Fry: What does a pair of pygmy chimpanzees do when they see a box?
Helen Atkinson-Wood: Wear children's clothes, and have a tea party.

Episode C.10

[On opening champagne bottles the correct way]
John Sessions: I was always taught to do that. You actually twist it...
Stephen Fry: Yeah, twist, exactly. That's it.
Mark Steel: Where do you get taught these things?
Stephen Fry: Well, where did you go to school, Mark Steel?
Mark Steel: I went to Swanley Comprehensive, and that was every Tuesday morning we did Double Champagne Opening!

Stephen Fry: This was at a party given by their graces the Duke and Duchess of Westminster -
[Whistles go off: the words 'Luvvie Alarm' flash on the screen]
Stephen Fry: Oh, no! Come on! No! No! Fair dos! No!
Clive Anderson: The richest man in the country apart from Roman Abramovich.
Stephen Fry: I never penetrated his intimate circle, but...

Episode C.11

[On the subject of phobias]
Jo Brand: Yes, what am I afraid of? Psychopaths with axes coming into my room at night and killing me.
Stephen Fry: you're weird!

[On the original story of Cinderella]
Stephen Fry: The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.
Jo Brand: They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.

Episode C.12

[On what happened to the crew of the RMS Titanic]
Stephen Fry: Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking. The moment a ship sinks, it is not a ship, therefore you can't work on it, therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking.
Phill Jupitus: I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.

[On the Titanic]
Phil Jupitus: Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".
Phil Jupitus: (posh accent) "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"

Series Four [D]

Episode D.01: "Danger"

Stephen Fry: One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.
Jimmy Carr: ...What have you got planned for Round Two...?

Stephen Fry: There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.
Jimmy Carr: That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!
Stephen Fry: They were French.

Episode D.02: "Discoveries"

Arthur Smith: D'you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra? This is a dish in China where you get a cobra - and it's brought to the table alive. They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there - you have to chase it round the plate, I s'pose - and then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.
Clive Anderson: Actually I ordered the lasagne...

Arthur Smith: I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once...
Clive Anderson: A luvvie duck!
Vic Reeves: In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.
Stephen Fry: Was it an enormous bill?

Episode D.03: "Dogs"

Stephen Fry: What comes before a German Bite?
Neil Mullarkey: [presses buzzer] A German Bark.
[The klaxon sounds and the words "German Bark" appears on the screen]
Stephen Fry: You were thinking of J.S., possibly.
Alan Davies: No, they never bark when they’re going to attack you. It’s when they go quiet, that’s when you have to worry.
Stephen Fry: Germans?

Stephen Fry: My great uncle had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it.

Episode D.04: "Dictionaries"

Rory Bremner: They built the station next to the power station you see there, which is the third worst eyesore in the country. It was a Country Life thing - do you know what the first one was?
Phill Jupitus: [in a posh accent] People! Public people! Working classes! Poorly groomed servants! The ill-bred ponies! That Blair fellow!
Stephen Fry: If I find out you've been intercepting my mail...

[Discussing dolphins ]
Ronni Ancona: A lot of people say that they're smarter than people, but if they were, wouldn't they be saying that?

Episode D.05: "Death"

[Speaking of marmots]
Stephen Fry: Given the right conditions, it’s a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?
Clive Anderson: [presses his buzzer]
Stephen Fry: Clive.
Clive Anderson: Lead piping in the billiard room.

[Guessing which illness most doctors treat more than any other]
Alan Davies: Pregnancy?
Clive Anderson: Pregnancy isn’t a disease, Alan.
Andy Parsons: It would be if Alan got it!

Episode D.06: "Drinking"

Stephen Fry: Oh, there you are. Great Wall of China.
Jimmy Carr: I've got quite an interesting fact about that.
Stephen Fry: Yep.
Jimmy Carr: Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.

Phill Jupitus: Stephen doesn't have Beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez.

Episode D.07: "Differences"

Jo Brand: In fact, every woman in the world has got Bird flu. But we don't give a shit, we just get on with our lives. Now it's only because a few men have caught it lately that people are going mad about it. "Oh, I've got Bubonic plague, but I've still got to do the hoovering."

Stephen Fry: What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?
Jo Brand: In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.

Episode D.08: "Descendants"

Jonathan Ross: What’s the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?
Rich Hall: I’ll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it’s like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is, “nice phone”.

[Discussing what babies have that adults do not]
Stephen Fry: They don’t have kneecaps, do they?
Jonathan Ross: Aren’t you confusing them with mer-babies?

Episode D.11; "Deprivation"

Mark Steel: You know what they say is a test of whether you're anal? Whether or not you keep your records in alphabetical order. I would surely think that it depends on how many records you got - I mean, if you've only got two and you keep going back and going "ABBA, ZZ Top, that's all right, then," but I've got a roomful of bloody records! I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want! Apparently that means I got a problem with me arse!

Stephen Fry: What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?
Roger McGough: Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up..."excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal..."
Stephen Fry: Or, "my wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal..."

Episode D.12: "Domesticity"

[Stephen has said that you get a better clean on a knife blade if you have it pointing up in the cutlery rack of a dishwasher]
Phill Jupitus: I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! It'll give a better clean.

[A picture of a blood-spattered surgeon appears on the screen]:
Jo Brand: Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex.

Episode D.13: "Christmas Special"

Dara Ó Briain: I worked in a pub in Ireland, so I learnt a few things [about Guinness]. You should allow the head to the reach five-twelfths of an inch, and if anybody draws a shamrock in it, you can stab them in the eye with a fork.

Dara Ó Briain: [In thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating ...
Stephen Fry: You know, I don't think there is an arseholes day.
Dara Ó Briain: You, and your liberal agenda.

Series Five [E]

Episode E.03: "Eating"

[In answer to the question "What were Cornflakes originally used for"]
Johnny Vegas: It was for, er, putting in matresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound/trigger device
[Audience begins to laugh]
Stephen Fry: Johnny Vegas, take some points!
Johnny Vegas: You're jokin'!
[The whole studio roars with laughter. Apparently, the man who made Cornflakes was a devoted anti-masturbation activist]

Episode E.04: "Exploring"

Stephen Fry: I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies...and I use the word 'works' quite wrongly.

[About the first words spoken from the surface of the moon]
Rich Hall: Great to be here in Philadelph - I mean, the Moon.

Episode E.06: "Everything, Etc."

[Clive Anderson's buzzer is (Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams.]
Stephen Fry: Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.

Stephen Fry: And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?
Clive Anderson: Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not...

Episode E.08: "Eyes & Ears"

David Mitchell: [on the myth about the Brace position preserving dental records] I've heard that and frankly, I don't know why they don't just tell people. "In the unlikely event of the plane crashing; I think we can all agree, you'd like to be identified. Bite down as hard as you can on your own armrest."

David Mitchell: Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defense. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks, it may be a lion.

Episode E.10: "England"

Alan Davies: There was a guy in our class called Jimmy Glasscock, you could always see when he was coming.

Series F

Episode F.01 "Families" (Children in Need)

(About simple logic proving 1 + 1 = 2)

David Mitchell: A bit a late for 21st centuary I say. You have a lot riding on 1 + 1 = 2, quite a lot of buiding going on, an international economy. What happens if you find out 1 + 1 doesnt equall 2 what do we do? Just burn every thing, god knows anything can fall on your head, money you might as well eat it. Just forget civilasation.

External links

Wikipedia
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