A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth, with the fire dead, the laughter stilled and the light extinguished.Frank Tebbets
- Strip 12, "In The Interest Of Faye's Safety"
- Faye: I am bored and ravenous. Come have dinner with me.
- Strip 20, "Not As Good As Pie"
- Pintsize: I would be DELICIOUS.
- Strip 36, "A Lesser Man Indeed"
- Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.
- Faye: I am glad that such a foolish man is not around, for i would surely defenestrate him with great rapidity.
- Strip 45, "Pity: He Asked For It"
- Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.
- Strip 58, "Not Again"
- Pintsize: It was SO worth the massive motherboard damage.
- Strip 68, "A Night At The Improv"
- Optometrist: Sir, if this is really your prescription, how on earth did you find your way here without your glasses on?
- Marten: Magical vision fairies guided me. Now just hand over the damn glasses!
- Strip 70, "There Can Only Be One"
- Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the prescence of your Lord".
- Strip 73, "Clear The Room"
- Faye: Oh man, I should not have ordered a burrito. I am going to have killer death gas tonight.
- Marten: Heh, you girls have it easy
- Faye: Oh? And why is that?
- Marten: When a girl farts it is funny and endearing. When a dude farts, it's just gross.
- Faye: That is because girls' farts smell like roses and fresh-baked cookies.
- Marten: Not judging by how my bathroom smells after you've been in there for fifteen minutes.
- Faye: Maybe we should not be having this conversation in a crowded diner.
- Marten: Quick, placate the other patrons with your rosy cookie gasses!
- Strip 79, "I Want Those Posters Dammit"
- Marten: Congratulations, that is the single most frustratingly open-to-interpretation statement I have ever heard someone utter.
- Faye: I have attained girlvana!
- Strip 126, "Indie Physics 101"
- Marten: Note to self: having a discussion about theoretical indie-rock physics with an attractive girl is probably the hottest thing ever.
- Strip 227, "Scheming"
- Marten: I really wish I was an emo kid right now. All this drama would make for an awesome LiveJournal.
- Strip 423, "Mneep Mneep"
- Faye: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, unless you build an orbital velocity cannon and fire it into space.
- Strip 424, "Her Favorite Sound"
- Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.
- Strip 434, "Ice Ice Baby"
- Miss Reed: I just have lots and lots of casual sex! It's all the fun of dating without any of the fuss.
- Strip 443, "Love Indiemerican Style"
- Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.
- Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay.
- Strip 453, "She's Seriously Kinda Crazy"
- Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!
- Strip 478, "I Get Knocked Down"
- Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- Strip 511, "Hell Hath No Fury"
- Dora: THE WORLD HAS PLENTY OF CUTE, SKINNY HOMOSEXUAL MEN AS IT IS! WE DON'T NEED HIM TO JOIN THEM!
- Strip 723, "I Hate Snakes"
- Hannelore: Oh Doctor Jones...Let me be the warm, yielding Kentucky to your rigid, manly Indiana....mmmmf...zzzz
- Dora: Okay, that diffused the situation better than anything I possibly could have said. Maybe there is a God.
- Faye: There is no God. There is only Harrison Ford and his chiseled jawline.
- Hannelore: Zzz...Oh Indy, you can raid my ark anytime...zzz.
- 746, "Yet Again"
- Marten: Metal foot! Metal foot … To… mantenna array! Pain level.. Shatnerian .. in intensity!
- Strip 728, "Bad News"
- Tai: Man, you're so lucky to be outta college. I bet YOU don't have to deal with stupid girl-drama all the time.
- Marten: *twitch*
- Marten: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
- Tai: Oh come on, it's bad enough knowing my liberal arts is gonna be useless. Don't crush ALL my hopes.
- Strip 729, "Biology Department"
- Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery
- Dora: Not to mention tomfoolery and smartassery
- Penelope: Ewww, when was the last time you did any dishwashery? This carafe is disgusting!
- Faye: It's an ongoing experiment.
- Penelope: What, to see if mold can become a sentient being?
- Dora: I'm pretty sure i heard it hitting on Raven yesterday, so it's about halfway there.
- Strip 730, "Creeped Out Again"
- Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".
- Pintsize: I clipped your toenails while you slept. So I could make them part of my COLLECTION.
- Hannelore: EeeennnnnnggghhhOKAY, you win this round. But I'll get you next time Gadget. Next time!
- Strip 732, "Bad Color Scheme"
- Faye: Oh Man, B for Bitchdetta
- Marten: We gotta put a stop to this girl. I do NOT want to be responsible for givin' Steve spongebaths and takin' him to rehab.
- Strip 734, "Banter Practice"'
- Faye: Want me to make a lunch run?
- Dora: Burrito! Possibly even a burro. I'm starvin'.
- Faye: I shall name him Paco. He will graze on our shrubbery and haul heavy goods from out back for us.
- Dora: I wonder if schizophrenics hear voices in Heaven.
- Faye: Yeah, only it's local instead of long-distance. Much cheaper rates.
- Dora: Ironically, Hell gets WAY better cell-phone reception AND has free WiFi.
- Faye: Clearly that's by design. Cell phones and the Internet are both the work of the Devil.
- Dora: The Devil doesn't even torture the souls of the damned anymore, he just sits around watching funny YouTube videos all day.
- Penelope: I...I think this is my cue to say something witty about YouTube, but i'm drawing a blank.
- Faye: It's okay, hon. Everyone chokes on their first try.
- Dora: Oh come on, Faye. That is the most obvious oral-sex-joke lead-in ever. Why not put the ball on the tee FOR her?