Real Time With Bill Maher

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New Rules October 3, 2008

New Rule: John McCain and Sarah Palin must stop working the "soul mate" angle. You're not Brad and Angelina. You're the "Ghost and Mrs. Muir." Besides, once you cross that line, where does it end? [shot of Biden and Obama looking into each other's eyes]

New Rule: Popes are supposed to love everybody. Pope Benedict has rejected France's new ambassador to the Vatican because he's gay and married to a man. The Pope said it just wouldn't be right to have a homosexual walking around his pretend country--which is run by men in dresses. So, stay away, you nasty, gay French man, or the Vatican guards, in their adorable striped pantaloons, will have their way with you.

New Rule: Celebrity colognes must actually smell like the celebrity. Tim McGraw's new cologne is --quote --"a lush combination of lavender, amber, patchouli and sandalwood. While the actual Tim McGraw is a spicy combination of beef jerky, Pabst Blue Ribbon and WD-40.

And make way for the newest celebrity cologne: McCain. With its alluring combination of flop-sweat, creamed corn, and Preparation H.

New Rule: Amy Winehouse must get on that liver transplant list now. I didn't think it was possible but Amy Winehouse is in worse shape than the U.S. economy. How do I know that? Because she's 22 and she looks like Alan Greenspan.

And --and finally, New Rule: You can't be president if you practice a violent Middle Eastern religion and worship a genocidal desert god. Which is why Sarah Palin can't be president.

Now, all the churches that Sarah Palin has attended --and she's been to almost as many churches as she has colleges--have one thing in common: a belief that the Bible is literally true. She's not "Country First," she's "Bible First." And not just the New Testament. That's the happy half of the Good Book: the baby in the manger, Jesus doing magic tricks, long, romantic walks on the water that turn into fishing trips with the guys. And a generally positive message. Jesus, after all, preached love and forgiveness, not shooting wolves from an airplane.

The problem is, "Governor Avon Lady" --she takes the Old Testament literally, too. And in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's been alive forever and he has anger issues. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail.

He's pro-slavery, pro-polygamy, and homophobic, and he'll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi. Not that I have to tell you guys.

If there was --if there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over. But there is that video of Sarah Palin.

So, ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you.

And, I don't say "witch doctor" because he's black. I say it because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor, folks! This is our country. We've got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition!

People like Bush and Palin simply cannot think clearly because they're in a big, scary, brainwashing cult, and it warps their thinking so much that they're actually horny for the end of the world. And that is not someone I want with the nuclear codes. So, remember that video, and remember that Sarah Palin said --and I quote --"I think I will see Jesus come back to earth in my lifetime."

To which I say, "Hasn't Jesus suffered enough?"

September 26, 2008

New Rule: You cannot attain foreign policy experience by rubbing Henry Kissinger. [slide shown of Sarah Palin with Kissinger] He is a former secretary of state, not Buddha.

New Rule: Next time we get in an enormous financial crisis, the guy we're depending on to get us out of it can't look like Colonel Klink. [slides of Henry Paulson and Colonel Klink] I'm not asking for the world.

New Rule: If men can admit they watch NASCAR for the crashes, women can admit they watch fashion shows to see skinny chicks fall on their ass. Ooh, that one was touchy.

New Rule: Food from China that isn't Chinese food, isn't food. The latest example: tainted Chinese milk. Health experts say fake milk can cause bloating, gas, cramps, vomiting, fatigue, rashes and asthma. Oh, wait, that's real milk. People still not onto the fact that milk is poison. Okay.

New Rule: You can't call it "coming out of the closet" when the door was wide open...[slide of People cover with Clay Aiken and his baby] ...the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn't want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can't wait to see next week's issue of People magazine. [slide of People cover with grizzly bear and headline: "Yes, I Shit in the Woods."]

And finally, New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to - and to anyone who thinks differently, I say, please do not reject John McCain just because he's white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant, and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.

Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way.

It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business.

They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime.

Or a government handout. Or sailing.

So, I get it. The temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don't see an individual; you just see another typical welfare "whitey."

And it's true. He spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except those years he spent in prison. Typical. And, between you and me, he's not very articulate.

Oh, he may have some street smarts, but he's not what you'd call an "educated" man. He freely admits he's ignorant about the economy. And apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another.
And now, of course, her teenage is pregnant out of wedlock, because she learns it at home!

But, that doesn't mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are. I believe there is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.