Reaper (TV series)

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The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.
William Lyon Phelps
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Reaper is an American television comedy-drama created by Tara Butters and Michele Fazekas about a guy named Sam, whose soul was sold to the devil by his parents and now he works as a bounty hunter, sending escaped souls back to hell.

Season One

Pilot

Mr. Oliver: Kyle, did you wish your brother a happy birthday?
Kyle: The guy's twenty-one, lives with his parents, and wears an apron for a living. There's no happy in that birthday.

Sock: Hey, Kyle. Don't sweat Stamford, man. I only heard it's like the... fourth best university in the U.S.. Is that right?
Kyle: You suck!
[Kyle leaves the room.]
Sock: Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed, I almost went!

Sock: I say we all get in the car. Get some smack. Kill a hooker in Vegas.
[Mrs. Oliver leaves the room.]
Sock: I mean- mea- meant patronise a hooker in Vegas! I would never kill a hooker in Vegas! [to Sam] I would never kill a hooker.

Sock: [about Mr. and Mrs. Oliver] Do you think they still do it? ... Yeah, they do it.

Sock: All I'm saying is you should prepare for a little alcohol poisoning tonight, alright?

[A dog jumps up at Sock's car window.]
Sock: Hey, check it out! This is the best dog ever! Watch this.
[Sock opens the door and knocks the dog unconscious.]

[Sam and Sock are talking about Andi.]
Sock: Look at it - she's smart, she's hot, she goes to college, she works in a crap shack like this with losers like me and you. What does that tell you? Just off the top of your head.
Sam: She's got low standards?
Sock: Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out, alright? Because she will.

[Ted is stood next to a chart.]
Ted: As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest, except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bongs.
Sock: Oh, if you are referring to me, Ted the Head? I'm biding my time. Okay? Like a snake, in the grass, ready to pounce.
Ted: That doesn't even make any sense, what you just said. And don't forget that the winner receives a free twenty-pound spiral cut ham!
Employee: I'm Jewish, you jerk!
Ted: Or a gift certificate. For our Semitic and/or Muslim friends. [happily] So go get them!

Andi: I hope your day off is tomorrow because you're gonna be hurting.
Sam: Uh, no. No, my day off is Saturday. What about you?
Andi: Actually, my day off is Saturday, too.
Sam: Do y- Do you have any plans on Saturday? You- your "day off"?
Andi: I'm going to be sitting in the library, writing a huge psych paper, being lame.
[Andi exits the room as Sam continues talking.]
Sam: Right, no, yeah, I've got plans also. Sleeping. Waking up. Getting dressed. Xbox. [turns to Ben] I need you to punch me in the face right now.
[Ben pats Sam's back.]

Sam: Ted says I'm on notice.
Sock: Well, so what? I live on notice.

Sam: I was just watching this show. It was really scary.
[Chirpy birds are on television.]
Sock: Yeah, yeah, those things'll kill you.

Sock: You Bruce Bannered that thing, man!
Sam: I didn't touch it!
Sock: What do you mean?
Sam: I didn't touch it. It was too far away!
Sock: I saw you-
Sam: No, it was too far away! It's like I moved it with my mind, or something! And this is not the first time this has happened today.
[Sock picks up a container.]
Sam: Something is really-
[Sock throws the container at Sam's head.]
Sam: Aaaaaaaa! What the hell, man!?
Sock: You were supposed to move that with your mind.

[Sock chases after a pack of dogs with a vacuum.]
Sock: Run, bitches!

Mr. Oliver: You okay?
Sam: No. I- I- I think I might be going insane.
Mr. Oliver: Bad day.
Sam: Let's see, um... Got chased by a pack of dogs; moved an air conditioner with my mind; oh, and uh, the Devil tried to carjack me. So, overall, not a great day.
Mr. Oliver: Sit down, Sam. There's something I- I have to tell. I probably should have told you this a long time ago. I- Before, you were born, your mom and I... sold your soul to the Devil.
Sam: What?
Mr. Oliver: I was really, really sick, and he came to us and offered us a cure! And in exchange, he would take the soul of our firstborn when he turned twenty-one. Your mom and I thought, 'fine, we just won't have children, because if there's no first born, then there's no soul to take'. About a year later, Doctor Bert told me that I was infertile and we thought, 'that's great! Nothing to worry about!'.
Sam: R- right.
Mr. Oliver: Except that as it turns out, old Doctor Bert had a bit of a gambling problem, and uh, the Devil paid off his debts and in exchange the doc this one little lie. Next thing you know - we're pregnant. I- I- I'm so sorry, Sam. I wish I could make you forgive me, but... How can you?

Josie: Can I get a round of shots for these degenerates here? On me.
Sock: [mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm the big district attorney office chick, buying all my friends with free booze.
Josie: [mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm twenty-five years old, and I still live with my parents.

Andi: You guys should never have broken up.
Sock: Oh, I had to, Andi, because I found out that [loudly] she used to be a dude!
Josie: I heard that you used to be a dude too.
Sock: [no comeback] Well, I heard that you had... one time... friend.

Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil.
Sock: How drunk are you?
Sam: Completely sober.
Sock: How drunk am I?

Sam: No, of course I'm not going to tell Andi! She'll freak out, she'll never go out with me!
Sock: You can make her go out with you, Damien.

[Sam looks at his gift from Andi, then falls flat on his bed.]
The Devil: Oh, that's really nice. Not too gay at all.
Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

[The fugitive ripples his muscles as the Devil and Sam watch.]
The Devil: Oh, gag! Look at that tool! Will you capture him already?

Sam: So you want me to kill him?
The Devil: What is this obsession with murder? The guy's already dead!

Sam: I'm not doing this. I'm not going to be your stupid bounty hunter!
The Devil: [seriously] You will do it, or I'll take your mother. You refuse to work for me, her soul becomes forfeit. It's the lady or the tiger, Sammy. You think about it.
[The Devil laughs as he walks away.]

Ben: There's no such thing as the Devil, alright? I mean, the guy was probably just some homeless person.
Sam: No, he wasn't homeless! He had a- he had a suit on! Okay? And he turned night into day, and what about the telekinesis thing? Tell him about the telekinesis thing.
Ben: What telekinesis thing?
[Sock throws a paint can at Sam.]
Sam: Urgh! Aah.
Sock: Still working on that one.

[Sam opens the vessel and finds a Dirt Devil.]
Sam: What?
Sock: What? What is it?
[Sam shows the Dirt Devil to Sock and Ben. Sock laughs.]
Sam: It's a Dirt Devil.
Ben: No, I take it back, Sam. That's a really evil mini-vac.
Sam: I don't know, the Devil guy was-
Ben: Messing with you! And we sell those in aisle fifteen, I think.
[Ben sets off the Dirt Devil, which drags a truck closer to them. He switches it off and the truck stops. He hands it back to Sam.]
Sock: That'll work.

Sam: What do you think?
Sock: Three-on-one? Got this guy in the bag.
[Escaped soul reveals his fire power by setting his shoulders on fire.]
Sock: What does that mean?

[Sam watches over Ben in a hospital when Sock walks over.]
Sock: Hey.
Sam: Where were you?
Sock: Gift shop.
[Sock holds up a pen.]
Sock: Ben would want eyebrows. He would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him. Say yes. Just say yes.

Andi: Hey. Is Ben okay?
Sam: Erm... how- how- how did you know?
Sock: I called her.
Andi: What happened?
Sam: Er, we were working on a project.
Andi: What project?
Sock: Um, making napalm.
Andi: [shocked] What?
Sam: It's hard to explain, Andi.
Andi: Okay, well, try.
Sam: I- I can't, really. I don't, you know.
Andi: Sam, what aren't you telling me?
Sam: It's complicated!
Andi: Okay, what did you do? Was it your fault or-
Sam: Yes, Andi, it's my fault! Okay? I'm the loser who got Ben hurt, alright?
[Andi leaves.]

The Devil: Ah, I love hockey! Lots of aggression; tons of blood. Want to guess who my favourite team is?
Sam: Yeah, I can't do this. I tried. It's too hard. My friend got hurt, I lost the fire man - you have the wrong guy! So, you can just take me to Hell or whatever. I don't care.
The Devil: That's not the way things work, Sammy. You have no use to me down there.
Sam: Well, I'm not exactly kicking ass up here! You should just find somebody else before the guy kills more people.
The Devil: You do this alot, don't you?
Sam: Do what?
The Devil: Give up. Things get hard? Little Sammy takes the path of least resistance.
Sam: Fine. Fine, I'm a failure.
The Devil: I'll tell you what. Before you throw in the towel, why don't you do some investigating first? Look for motivations. I mean, why does the fire man do what he does?
Sam: Who cares? Why- Why burn down anything? He already did that when he was alive.
The Devil: Exactly! Why? Like I said. Hold on a minute.
[The Devil and Sam witness a man getting crushed and killed by an ice rink cleaning vehicle.]
The Devil: Oh, don't feel bad. He was a terrible person. Drinker. Wife beater. He didn't fulfill his contract either. And I think you're on the right track, Sammy. I feel good about this. Word of caution - I don't except failure. Ever.

Josie: I cannot believe you came to my work!
Sock: I can't believe you never come to mine! I mean, don't you ever need a battery or a room box or something?
Josie: I need a restraining order! What part of 'I don't want to see you anymore' do you not understand?
Sock: [getting louder] Listen, nobody's more proud than me that you stopped having sex for money, Josie. I just wish you'd stop with all the shoplifting!

Josie: I am a sworn officer of the court! I took an oath to uphold the law!
[Sock laughs.]
Sock: That's funny. Because, uh, 90% of the stuff we did in the parking lot of this court house is illegal in twelve states.

[Sock finds a photocopier.]
Sock: Oh, God! Do you know what I would magnify with this thing? I'd make my ass my letterhead.

[Sam and Sock sit around waiting for the Dirt Devil to recharge.]
Sock: Is it ready? Sam! Is it ready?
[Sam leans over and looks at the Dirt Devil, then leans back.]
Sam: No.
[Sock throws a ball at the Dirt Devil in anger.]

Sock: [to Sam] You are Neo! You're the One!

Sock: [to Sam] I have never been more attracted to a man in my life. That's- that's not what I meant.

Sock: I'm pretty sure I wet my pants.
[Sam looks at him in disgust.]

Gladys: Fugitive transfer?
Sam: Uh, yes. Yes, I think so.
Gladys: Place the vessel on the mat.
[Sam places the Dirt Devil on the mat.]
Gladys: Never seen one of these before.
[Gladys sends the Dirt Devil to Hell.]
Gladys: Have a nice day!
Sam: W- w- wait! Um, so, their not all little vacuums?
Gladys: The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron!
[Gladys laughs. Sock hits a 'rejection' stamp in anger.]
Sock: [annoyed] DMV!!

[Sam drags the Devil away from Andi.]
Sam: What is wrong with you?
The Devil: She's adorable. So sweet.
Sam: Stay away from her. I swear to God-
The Devil: Swear to who? Like I'd play in the kiddy pool. Sam, I just wanted to congratulate you. Great job on the arsonist! You'll be happy to know he's right back where he belongs, getting his nuts burnt off for eternity. Who's the hero, huh? You're the hero, man! Pat yourself on the back! I have a present for you.
[The Devil is holding a vessel.]
The Devil: A vessel for the next fugitive.
Sam: So I have to do this forever?
The Devil: Well, yeah. Well, technically, I mean, not forever. You're done when you die, right? Huh? Hey, I just bought a bunch of crap and gave you the sale. For the contest. You're gonna win that ham, man.
[Sam walks off with the vessel.]
The Devil: That was nice! I can be nice!

Sam: You know, I'm not really a ham guy, but this is pretty good.
Sock: That's cause it's a victory ham.

Charged

Ben: Oh, my God, we're gonna die dressed as condoms!

Sock: You need a doctor! Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo and Dr. Captain Morgan, he has two titles!

All Mine

Ted: I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?
Sam: Please don't say that, Ted.
Ted: And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?
Sam: I think I want to stab myself.

Magic

Ted: What can you tell me about this can of wasted paint?
Andi: It's leaking onto your desk.

Ben: My dad's super allergic, you know, I couldn't have any pets, so this little guy fills that void.
Sock: You said I filled that void, Ben.

Sam: God, you sound like Ted.
The Devil: Oh, that was harsh. Ted is a real douche bag.

Ben: You're one freaky ass bird, who scared the crap out of me and now I can't be comfortable around birds ever again. I hope you know that.

What About Blob?

Leon

Leon: Tell me about your childhood.
Sam: My parents sold my soul to the devil.

The Devil: I invented therapy so that the wicked could justify their actions.

Love, Bullets & Blacktop

The Devil: The French invented love, so they could put a civilized face on a primal urge, and dress it up with candy, and hearts, and cupids. In the end, it all comes down to endorphins and genitalia.

The Cop

Ashes to Ashes

Cash Out

Hungry for Fame

Unseen

Acid Queen

Sock: Is it wrong that I am aroused and disgusted at the same time?
Ben: Probably, but I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Rebellion

The Devil: What? You don't like banana splits? What are you - some kind of commie?

Coming to Grips

Sam: It's Andi. She...sort of saw me chop Jack's head off

Greg Schmeg

Sock: Chicks do not want sensitive, okay? They want a bad boy. They want someone who's gonna break all the rules. Someone who will bang them on the back of a motorcycle and then not do the dishes.

The Leak

Cassidy: When this is all over, my boyfriend will no longer be married.

Cancun

Demon: (watches Sam as he puts a "50% off" sign on a broken washing machine) Oh, he is evil like none have known before!

Steve: (about Heaven) It's better than Cancun...

Mr Oliver: (after Mrs. Oliver digs him out) What took you so long?

Cast

Sam Oliver - Bret Harrison
Bert "Sock" Wysocki - Tyler Labine
Andi Prendergast - Missy Peregrym
The Devil - Ray Wise
Benjamin "Benji" Gonzalez - Rick Gonzalez
Josie Miller - Valarie Rae Miller
Mr. Oliver - Andrew Airlie
Mrs. Oliver - Allison Hossack
Gladys - Christine Willes
Ted - Donovan Stinson

External Links

Wikipedia
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