- I got into a fight last night. Well... some guy hit me, and I fell down. But I felt like I was a key participant in the affair...
- The way I see life, is like we're all flying on the Hindenburg...Why fight over the window seats?
- Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
- I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, As much as I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.
- If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
- It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- To say that this woman had a large bosom is to say that the Atlantic Ocean is damp.
- (Referring to religious wars) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
- You're in the desert. You got nothing else to do. Name the freakin' horse.
- Referring to the America song "A Horse With No Name"
- My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.
- At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.
- Referring to some women he's met
- Look over here on this chart, these are carbs, these are proteins, so stop eating, you fat bastard!
- You go to a steakhouse, guess what folks...no cow tank.
- There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every 3 Americans...weighs as much as the other 2.
- You know what the average person is? Average.
- I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
- An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
- Referring to "Platypus Man"
- Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
- Pizza is like a lady's breasts. There's good pizza. And there's great pizza. But there isn't bad pizza.
- (coming up with a slogan to advertise America) "America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!"
Richard Jeni Tribute Page with videos, commentary, last interview with Jeni's girlfriend (with video), autopsy report, where to buy DVDs and CDs, obituary, poem from his funeral service and more: http://www.squidoo.com/richard-jeni