Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.Howard Aiken
A Night At The Met (1986)
- And you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic...oh, dammit, dammit, God DAMMIT.
- And now you've got athletes on cocaine. You have baseball players having to go in front of grand juries saying, "Yeah! I did cocaine. But can you blame me, though? It's a slow goddamn game, jack! Third base coach is doing this shit all the time. I don't know whether to slide or do a line, you know what I'm sayin'? And then there's that music. That (intro to CHARGE!)
- I'm the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car!
- On being a reformed alcoholic
- The only people flying to the Middle East will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
- Pretty soon it'll be so bad you'll be hearing something like. "I built this cruise missile to stop those damn kids from playin' ZZ Top."
- On people being armed
- How do you get to the Met? Money, lots and lots of money.
- Beer commercials usually have big men, manly men doing manly things: "You just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not a realistic beer commercial like, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
- They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament. That's also like talking about partial circumcision. Same thing. You either go all the way or fucking forget it! You know what I'm saying.
- Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and cats going, "I'm outta here, prick!", warning. Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep and you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!
- You have the right to bear arms, you have the right to arm bears, what ever the hell you want to do!
- Well, you can't make no butter with a toothpick...
- On the question of whether or not the size of a penis matters
- Mai Tai; Polynesian word for dumbfuck.
- Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumsize yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
- On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience
- Thank you. How...DY! Whoops, wrong Opera House. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!
- Ballet: men wearing pants so tight, you can tell what religion they are.
Inside the Actors Studio (2001)
- The professor was on acid, and sometimes, he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"
Live on Broadway (2002)
- Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
- Canadian currency is also called the loonie. Now how can you take an economic crisis seriously? "The loonie is down!" "Oh how sad for you!"
- Michael (Jackson) is claiming racism, and I'm like "brother, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves?
- I know there's one country in the world that doesn't have some horrible weapon of mass destruction they don't have some horrible weapons lab in the mountains ....Jamaica. They would never make an Atomic Bomb; they may make an Atomic Bong. But I'd rather fight a war with an Atomic Bong. (Jamaican accent) 'Cuz when the Atomic Bomb goes off there's devastation and radiation. When the Atomic Bong goes off there's celebration!
- You realize God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- And everyone is worried about players playing baseball, you know, on steroids, and I'm like "Really? Well here's a quick way you can tell." Two things happen when you're on steroids: your balls shrink, and your head grows. So if you see a player step up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinets, *makes umpire motion* YER OUT!!!
- They're patting down a five year old kid "What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me."
- The nice Germans, they are the Swiss or as they like to say the other white race. Now how butch is an army who has a wine opener on its knife? How tough are they in combat? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire."
- Then there's the luge, for which I have only one question: What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? What guy said, "You know what? I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate in my ass, and go balls first down an ice chute. Ja, that would be fun!" And don't talk to me about the two-man luge, I'm like "Boys, get a room!"
- It was so reassuring the other day, George W. Bush talked to the stock market, and then...*makes explosion noise*. I don't know, it must be that Dubya talking about business ethics is kind of like having a leper give you a facial, it doesn't really work! Oopsie! "A lot of our imports come from other countries." No shit!
- Winston Churchill, the greatest orator of all time, was so fucked up on champagne and cognac, that he may not have done some of his own speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who did Winnie the Pooh. "We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land, Eeyore and Tigger!"
- And at the closing ceremonies, they introduced Donny and Marie as the first couple of Utah. And I'm like "uh-uh, honey, no. They're only a couple in Arkansas!"
- on the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah
- The Confederate Flag is just a symbol of states rights... Yeah, and the Swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm, c'mon now.
- [as a stoned NASA scientist] Okay, okay check this out. The Mars lander...I did the calculations in feet...but I programmed it in meters! Oops! So instead of landing, fucker buried! 180 million dollar, whoopsie! Two years, SPLAT! Oh, oh, this is great, this is, shh, shh...the Hubble telescope...I forgot to put in the lens! *covers one eye* "Read the top line for me?" "Uh, Alpha Centauri, uh...Sirius, the rest is just a black hole!"
- When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba The Hutt? He's huge! You're a Kennedy, not a Macy's Day float. "Bring him down! We're voting!"
- Russia has the Bomb. We have many bombs. We don't know where they all are. Maybe you want a dirty bomb.
- [In a French Accent] The French are one of few people left who still have underground nuclear testing where do they do it? In the Sahara a wasteland? No, fuck off. In Tahiti, in paradise. Why? Because we're French. "Oh look. A Greenpeace boat coming to protest. Fuck off! I sink you."
"I am a bad-ass motherfucker, am I not?"
- 'Cause they've got "The Chamber", "The Chair", "Fear Factor", and people in Texas are saying, "We got those shows. We just don't film 'em!"
- Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned execution on retarded people and people in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun now?" 'Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week, it was like "Go sit on Santa's lap, Tommy!" [Electrical static] God dang! And I know the definition of retarded in Texas is pretty wide but... Its true! Even the Taliban is like, "You people are crazy mutha-fuckers!"
- [In a French Accent] Look! I'm giving a cigarette to baby. Do it! Suck on this cigarette my darling life is shit. Get to know this. Oh you Americans, "don't give the cigarette to the baby." Fuck you Americans. Americans, with your Political Correct — Americans, fuck all of you! You cultureless crap, Americans! We hate all of you! Oh fuck all — Ah! The Germans are here! Hello Americans! I love you! Come on Americans! Âllo! Welcome back Americans! No, come. You can build a Disneyland near Paris; we wont go, but build it! And we'll have a Minnie Mouse with armpit hair, it will be great. Smoking a Gauloise, going, "I never loved Mickey, you know that? What? He has three fingers. What am I? A bowling ball, fuck off!"
- Sh...theres a gay mafia... sh!!! "The Mauve Hand", sh... Fairy Godfather, "Does this pistol make my ass look big?"
- [Beep] Hold on, what is this? Oh, it's a gun — OK, get on the plane.
- Boxing took a weird turn when Mike Tyson bit somebody. LETS GET READY TO NIBBLE! And all these old guy were like "He bit him oh dear Christ he bit him." You're lucky he just bit him! Mike just got out of prison, you're lucky he didn't fuck him! Come on! You know biting is foreplay in prison. Mike would be going "Break it up!" "When I'm finished." Mike's on Zoloft too. He said "I'm on Zoloft so I don't kill you mother-fuckers." I'm going "Up the dosage, my man!"
- And they say there's no global warming but right now the North Pole is a pool...there's things just floating away. Right now we are beyond global warming, at this point we are cooking. It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up to you and say, "Is it hot enough for you?" I'm like "No, my man, I want the sweat to roll down the crack of my ass like Niagara. Yeah, I want my man-titties to lactate, my man."
- ... And FROGS, fell from the sky! Maybe they fell from the sky or maybe there were just a lot of Jews with catapults going, "NOW!"
- Homeland Security — they had to be careful with that name. They couldn't name it "Fatherland Security" or else there would be old Germans going, "Ja, thats a good one." But, Homeland Security, it sounds like (with British accent) "Homefront Security," which was England during World War II, we would have a bunch of Englishmen going "I did it! I captured Rudolph Hess personally, I threw my colostomy bag and covered him in shite and said 'get out of that fokker you fucker, get out!'"
- Once again we look to England for great oratory Tony Blair: Militant Liberal. Over here in America George W. Bush. Compassionate Conservative...I don't know what that is really. Kinda sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, I don't know why!
- Over here Tony Blair, who must address the House of Commons, which is like Congress with a two-drink minimum. They yell shit back! "I believe my worthy opponent—" "OH FUCK OFF! Shite! Bollocks, you bastards! Fuck you!" "Will someone remove Mrs. Thatcher from the chamber please?"
- How do you get crucifixion and resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs. Wild stretch. Even kids are going "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?" And I know you don't want to see a kid bite the head off a chocolate Jesus, that's not good. You don't want a little cream-filled cross going "Pwh", you don't want that! And you don't want to spread raspberry jam in the grass and say, "C'mon kids, we're looking for Jesus!"
- But After 9/11 it was Tony who said "This heinous incident has brought our civilization to the edge of oblivion but we shall endure." And there's poor W going "Shit, I can't even spell that."
- [Slurring drunkenly] You do not know shit about fuck, my man. You want a piece of yourself? Step outside, I'll kick my ass.
- If you want a linguistic adventure — [slipping into Scottish accent] — go drinking with a Scotsman. 'Cause you couldn't fucking understand them before!
- They said the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it.
- [In a Scottish Accent] Here's my idea for a fucking sport...I knock a ball into a gopher hole. "Oh you mean like pool?" Fuck off pool! Not with a straight stick. With a little fucked up stick. I whack the ball, it goes in a gopher hole. "Oh like croquet?" Fuck croquet! I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh yeah, whack the ball and it goes in the little fucking hole! "Oh, so it's like a bowling thing?" Fuck no! Not straight, I put shit in the way! Like trees and bushes and high grass! So you can lose your fucking ball and go whackin' away with a tire iron. Whackin' away, and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke. Fuck! That's what we'll call it! A stroke, cause every time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die! Oh great and here's the best part-oh fuck this is brilliant! Right near the end I'll put a little flat piece with a little tiny flag to give you fucking hope! But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox to fuck with your ball again! You'll be trashin' yer arse, jerkin' away in the sand, ah-hah! "And you do this one time?"... FUCK NO! EIGHTEEN FUCKIN' TIMES!
- For those of you playing the home game this is called a Prince Albert. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure he said, "Victoria I'm dying...I would like you to name a Museum, a music hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That'll be Victoria's secret. Go and sell little thongs with that little anal floss."
- Ladies and gentlemen, if you're going to Georgia, Jane Fonda and Ted Turner broke up. Yes they did. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.
- You know you get that tattoo of a barbed wire now when you're 18 and by the time you're 80 it's a fucking picket fence.
- Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water — Check that shit out.
- It's very difficult to have a call to jihad, with a mouthful of peanut butter.
- And remember; John Ashcroft is the one who lost to a dead man in Missouri. You can't forget this, the choices were John Ashcroft, dead man. And people in Missouri are like, "I'm sorry John...the dead man scares me less than you do!"
- And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish; yes of course he was Jewish. 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He takes his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish give it up!
- So pharaoh finally said, "Thats it! Hebrews, GET OUT!" So it was like, "Mah nishtadonai, everybody, come on. Let's not wait for the bread to rise, just take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving!" "Why the skin off our penis?" "Because we're traveling people, you don't want to get sand down there."
- Do you think they could make a drug to give you mental clarity into your golden years? No! But they have a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra.
- Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, and some of the little food packages were little yellow packages. Now you're playing survivor the real game. "Um, Bob I was here yesterday, um, I going to go with this one today."
- On the war in Afghanistan
- Is it me or are cats drag queens? With the way they just go (flaunts bottom), "Who loves kitty? Ya love kitty? Are these your shoes? (retches) Who loves kitty? Who loves kitty?" Especially where they have that thing, male cats, where they go (takes a water bottle and pours some water on stage) "That's mine. (pours) Mine! (pours) I like that, too!" Thank God men aren't like that. "Hey, nice car, Bob. (pours) Mine now!" "What are you doing?" "Oh, just shopping!"
- (from the CD of the tour) Because your appliances are now talking to each other...about you. You don't wanna be three o'clock in the morning going, "Yes, refrigerator, open please." (as the refrigerator) "No, Robin, I've talked to the scale and your ass is huge." (as himself) "Refrigerator, Haagen-Dazs, override, code 3.0?" (as the refrigerator) "No, Robin, 'til you've logged 2.2 hours on the treadmoil." The "treadmoil," which is a really hard thing — That's where you can actually run and be circumcised!! Wow! There's a product for the Jewish man on the go! A treadmoil! Can you believe it?! I'm losing weight and losing my foreskin at the same time!! Call now for Peal's Pocket Treadmoil!
- (also from the album) When you're sixteen, you're invincible. When you're 18, you're invincible and know every fucking thing. You fall in love for the first time. "I'm in love!!! It's over. I can't live without Susan!!!! But wait, there's Becky."
Reality: What a Concept
- I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
- (Spoofing Mr. Rogers) It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood...Oh damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls, but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay? (Pause) He knows where he's going. BEEP! POP goes the weasel! That's severe radiation; can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look you got a little balloon, now.
- (As a Shakespearean Narrator) Mind not my words - Let the PLAY be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself, anon.
- I have a career. What the hell am I doing? (From Whose Line Is It Anyway, during the game Scenes From A Hat, which the scene was "What Robin Williams Is Thinking Right Now")
- If you remember the 1960s, you weren't there. (actually Dennis Hopper)
- Carpe per diem: Seize the check.
- Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? (Mork & Mindy)
- You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.((Lord Buckley)
- Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying you make too much money.
- If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniel's is the wheelchair.
- Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
- "Compassionate Conservative", that's kind of like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
- Tonight Show with Jay Leno
- Things you don't hear at the Tonys (Broadway Award Show), "Don't wait up kids".
- George Bush was in Bigfoot's National Guard unit, same number of sightings. (Fresh Air with Terry Gross)
- You want an amendment against same-sex marriage? Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex! (Man of the Year, 2006)
- I did not have sex with that woman. I wanted to! (Man of the Year, 2006)
- If you see an Arab with his hand buried in a camel's ass, that's a mechanic, remember that!