The ideas of a time are like the clothes of a season: they are as arbitrary, as much imposed by some superior will which is seldom explicit. They are utilitarian and political, the instruments of smooth-running government.Wyndham Lewis
They Call me Tater Salad
- I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. The plane was really small, like a pack of gum with eight people in it, going (imitates sound of a tiny airplane) half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, the pilot was screaming, "Go around! Go around!" On the way there, we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a 9-minute flight. Can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went (looks backward) "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] Heard ya! Sure did. of course, I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like "take it down, I don't care. Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin ass!"
- Diamonds- that'll shut her up...for a minute! (suggesting a new slogan for DeBeers Diamonds)
- (on vegetarianism) I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
- I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
- Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example. I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said- and I quote- "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?
- So I asked the salesman, very politely, I said, "How do you sleep at night, you fuckin' prick?"
- Ever take a crap so big that your pants fit better? I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.
- Yesterday I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, and I was flipping through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist out of Dallas, and he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" Yes, sir! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.
- There was a guy down in Florida who said that the age of 53 years old, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain and hail of a force-3 hurricane. Now, let me explain somethin' to ya: it isn't that the wind is blowin', it's what the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a Volvo, it doesn't matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"
- One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'm thinking, "I can see his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"
- Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to go. But I ended up going 'cause- back me up on this, fellas- once you've seen one woman naked, you... pretty much wanna see the rest of 'em naked. It can be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to here. "Wanna see my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [cringes.] All right, that's enough- roll 'em back up, sweetheart! [imitates her rolling her breasts back up and sealing them in place.] The things that make you go [shudders]
- Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty- mine's putting in an express lane.
- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
- [My wife's] cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"
- I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schnieder would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working". He goes, "READ FASTER!!"
- I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep tater salad at that temperature.
- There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!
- (imitating his cousin Ray) "Well, it was 4 in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there... pussy! I'm in a camouflage deer blind, I got grease paint on my face, I had deer urine on my boots- I'm not sure why (as himself) I made that part up. (returns to imitating Ray) I've got a .30-06 rifle that can fire a bullet at 2500 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt lure I'd hung from the danged ol' tree, I caught him right above the eye." And I'm going, "Yeah? Well I hit one with a van. Going 55 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!" Woo, that's an elusive little creature! If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. I'll tell you what; slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it, the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet!
- One time my wife said to me, (imitating his wife) "Honey, the dryer is broken." (as himself) "Did you check the lint trap?" (imitating his wife with a clueless face) (as himself) "Sit down, honey, I'll check it." (as his wife) "Was there anything in there?" (as himself) "Just a quilt."
- I bought this brand-new Mercedes once so I could show it off to my in-laws. It was a James Bond-style van with champagne seats. I showed it to my brother-in-law. He looked at it and said, [speaks in snooty British accent] "Why, you've underestimated the unique quality of Mercedes-Benz. I have a Mercedes-Benz with wipers that keep my headlights clear in a rain storm." (as himself) "Yeah? Well, I got a place to fuck your sister."
You Can't Fix Stupid
- (imitating someone renting donkeys to ride up a mountain) "You can take the donkey to the top of the mountain, or you can take the tram. It is the same price." (as himself) Well, if that was me, that would be my biggest secret, there, buddy boy.
- Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.
- I love women, especially drunk women.
- The next time you have a thought- let it go.
- I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.
- You know, one of the most-asked questions I get on my website, tatersalad.com, is "How come you aren't more involved in Blue Collar Television?" You know, that's the show Jeff, Larry and Bill do... and I'll tell you why. It's because of my work ethic. My grandfather once said, "That boy's got a lot of quit in him," and that's true. Hell, the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah?! Well, fuck you!!" I thought I'd won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were tryin' to do.
- I didn't marry my wife for looks, and you shouldn't either. In a few years, if her boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go to and they'll lift 'em right back up to where they were. And you can point the nipple in any direction. Hell, you can go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say "I want those titties on that woman right there." If she gets too fat and don't wanna work it off, you can get a tummy tuck. They'll give you a belly that looks like a cheerleader. If your eyesight starts to go bad, you can get Lasik surgery and they can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they'll put a little device in your ear that makes you hear as good as when you were born. But let me tell you something folks- you can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take. There's not a class you can go to. Stupid is fo-evah.
- My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.
- I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson Roast!
- I told him, "We're all gay, man. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes, you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right- do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women doing it?" He said, "Naw, I'll watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "OK, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) I did not know that about myself." "Do you like chocolate?"
- (on a trip to Greece) There was a guy that had what looked like a squirrel in his shorts, and when he talked to you, he'd lean into you.
- So, we're walking down the beach, and it turns out to be a nude beach, and guess who's there? Squirrel Man. And he had what looked like an anaconda in his lap. I almost said, "That must have eaten the squirrel." He wasn't just lying flat on his back, either- he was leaning into the people coming in. I don't blame him. If I were him, I'd have had a picture frame around it.
- I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
- The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!
- I took my two dogs, Birdie and Bogey, for a walk the other day, and this lady stopped me and said, "Well, that's clever- you've named them after your golf game." And I said, "No, if they were named after my golf game, they'd be named Double Bogey and Where the fuck is that ball going? Which is kind of a long name for a dog.
The Tater Salad Story
- I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled me out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. Those big ol' New York bouncers who thinks bouncing's a cool job. They just talk about bouncing. They get together with other bouncers and talk about bouncing. They go home and watch Roadhouse and fondle themselves. [Retarded voice] "Patrick Swayze's hittin' another guy! [laughs stupidly]" I walk in a bar with a hat on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" (proceeds to mock-flex, looking much like a gorilla) I'm like, "What's the deal?" "I'll tell you what the deal is- fags in this area wear hats and we're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell in Texas is if they have a haircut like- yours." Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. Now, I'm between 6'1" and 6'6", depending on which convenience store I'm leaving, and I weigh about 235 lbs, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with 2 fingers. He said, "That's it, you're outta here!" "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there.
- The cops were called 'cause we broke a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh and at that point I had the right to remain silent- but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White you are being charged with drunk... in... publ-ic-kah!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into pub-lic. I don't want to be drunk in pub-lic, I want to be drunk in a goddamn bar, which is perfectly legal... arrest them!" They didn't arrest them. They had me do a field sobriety test. That's where you stand on 1 foot, raise the other foot 6" off the ground and count to 30. I made it to "wuh" (loses balance). "Is that gonna be close enough?" It wasn't close enough, so they call in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linkin' up in outer space, computer banks at NASA are clickin' on, there's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas going (makes a long series of beeping noises, imitating Morse Code) This part takes a while. (more beeping noises) Shorthand. (beep)
- Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this story. When I was 17, was arrested for being drunk... in... pub-lic. (Jeff Foxworthy says, "There's starting to be a pattern here.") If you knew Morse Code, you'd already know that. And 1 DWI, which was a bogus charge because they were stopping everybody drivin' down that particular sidewalk and that's profilin' and profilin' is wrong. The arresting officer- who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived 4 doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met.- Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." 17 years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood comin' out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron... Tater Salad White?" "You caught me! You caught the Tater! You can take down those roadblocks now. I call my son Tater Tot!"