Roseanne was a television sitcom that ran from 1989-1997 and lasted nine seasons. It starred Roseanne Barr and John Goodman, along with Laurie Metcalf, Lecy Goranson, and Sara Gilbert.
- 1 Contents
- 2 Season 1
- 2.1 Life and Stuff [1.1]
- 2.2 We're in the Money [1.2]
- 2.3 D-I-V-O-R-C-E [1.3]
- 2.4 Language Lessons [1.4]
- 2.5 Radio Days [1.5]
- 2.6 Lovers' Lane [1.6]
- 2.7 The Memory Game [1.7]
- 2.8 Here's to Good Friends [1.8]
- 2.9 Dan's Birthday Bash [1.9]
- 2.10 Saturday [1.10]
- 2.11 Canoga Time [1.11]
- 2.12 The Monday Thru Friday Show [1.12]
- 2.13 Bridge Over Troubled Sonny [1.13]
- 2.14 Father's Day [1.14]
- 2.15 Nightmare on Oak Street [1.15]
- 2.16 Mall Story [1.16]
- 2.17 Becky's Choice [1.17]
- 2.18 The Slice of Life [1.18]
- 2.19 Workin' Overtime [1.19]
- 2.20 Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore [1.20]
- 2.21 Death and Stuff [1.21]
- 2.22 Dear Mom and Dad [1.22]
- 2.23 Let's Call It Quits [1.23]
- 3 Season 2
- 3.1 Inherit the Wind [2.1]
- 3.2 Little Sister [2.2]
- 3.3 Guilt by Disassociation [2.3]
- 3.4 Somebody Stole My Gal [2.4]
- 3.5 House of Grown-Ups [2.5]
- 3.6 Five of a Kind [2.6]
- 3.7 Boo! [2.7]
- 3.8 Sweet Dreams [2.8]
- 3.9 We Gather Together [2.9]
- 3.10 Brain-Dead Poets Society [2.10]
- 3.11 Lobocop [2.11]
- 3.12 No Talking [2.12]
- 3.13 Chicken Hearts [2.13]
- 3.14 One for the Road [2.14]
- 3.15 An Officer and a Gentleman [2.15]
- 3.16 Born to be Wild [2.16]
- 3.17 Hair [2.17]
- 3.18 This Old House [2.18]
- 3.19 All of Me [2.19]
- 3.20 To Tell the Truth [2.20]
- 3.21 Fender Bender [2.21]
- 3.22 April Fool's Day [2.22]
- 3.23 Fathers and Daughters [2.23]
- 3.24 Happy Birthday [2.24]
- 4 Season 3
- 4.1 The Test [3.1]
- 4.2 Friends and Relatives [3.2]
- 4.3 Like a Virgin [3.3]
- 4.4 Like, a New Job [3.4]
- 4.5 Good-bye, Mr Right [3.5]
- 4.6 Becky, Beds and Boys [3.6]
- 4.7 Trick or Treat [3.7]
- 4.8 PMS, I Love You [3.8]
- 4.9 Bird is the Word [3.9]
- 4.10 Dream Lover [3.10]
- 4.11 Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? [3.11]
- 4.12 Confessions [3.12]
- 4.13 The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father [3.13]
- 4.14 The Wedding [3.14]
- 4.15 Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore [3.15]
- 4.16 Home-Ec [3.16]
- 4.17 Valentine's Day [3.17]
- 4.18 Communicable Theater [3.18]
- 4.19 Vegas Interuptus [3.19]
- 4.20 Her Boyfriend's Back [3.20]
- 4.21 Trouble With Rubbles [3.21]
- 4.22 Second Time Around [3.22]
- 4.23 Dances With Darlene [3.23]
- 4.24 Scenes from a Barbecue [3.24]
- 4.25 The Pied Piper of Lanford [3.25]
- 5 Season 4
- 5.1 A Bitter Pill to Swallow [4.1]
- 5.2 Take My Bike, Please! [4.2]
- 5.3 Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker [4.3]
- 5.4 Darlene Fades to Black [4.4]
- 5.5 Tolerate Thy Neighbor [4.5]
- 5.6 Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down [4.6]
- 5.7 Vegas [4.7]
- 5.8 Vegas, Vegas [4.8]
- 5.9 Stressed to Kill [4.9]
- 5.10 Thanksgiving 1991 [4.10]
- 5.11 Kansas City, Here We Come [4.11]
- 5.12 Santa Claus [4.12]
- 5.13 Bingo [4.13]
- 5.14 The Bowling Show [4.14]
- 5.15 The Back Story [4.15]
- 5.16 Less is More [4.16]
- 5.17 Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do [4.17]
- 5.18 I'm Hungry [4.18]
- 5.19 The Commercial Show [4.19]
- 5.20 Therapy [4.20]
- 5.21 Lies [4.21]
- 5.22 Deliverance [4.22]
- 5.23 Secrets [4.23]
- 5.24 Don't Make Me Over [4.24]
- 5.25 Aliens [4.25]
- 6 Season 5
- 6.1 Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 [5.1]
- 6.2 Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 [5.2]
- 6.3 The Dark Ages [5.3]
- 6.4 Mommy Nearest [5.4]
- 6.5 Pretty in Black [5.5]
- 6.6 Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places [5.6]
- 6.7 Halloween IV [5.7]
- 6.8 Ladies' Choice [5.8]
- 6.9 Stand on Your Man [5.9]
- 6.10 Good Girls, Bad Girls [5.10]
- 6.11 Of Ice and Men [5.11]
- 6.12 It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays [5.12]
- 6.13 Crime and Punishment [5.13]
- 6.14 War and Peace [5.14]
- 6.15 Lanford Daze [5.15]
- 6.16 Wait Till Your Father Comes Home [5.16]
- 6.17 First Cousin, Twice Removed [5.17]
- 6.18 Lose a Job, Winnebago [5.18]
- 6.19 It's a Boy [5.19]
- 6.20 It Was Twenty Years Ago Today [5.20]
- 6.21 Playing With Matches [5.21]
- 6.22 Promises, Promises [5.22]
- 6.23 Glengarry, Glen Rosey [5.23]
- 6.24 Tooth or Consequences [5.24]
- 6.25 Daughters and Other Strangers [5.25]
- 7 Season 6
- 7.1 Two Down, One to Go [6.1]
- 7.2 The Mommy's Curse [6.2]
- 7.3 Party Politics [6.3]
- 7.4 A Stash from the Past [6.4]
- 7.5 Be My Baby [6.5]
- 7.6 Halloween V [6.6]
- 7.7 Homeward Bound [6.7]
- 7.8 Guilt by Imagination [6.8]
- 7.9 Homecoming [6.9]
- 7.10 Thanksgiving 1993 [6.10]
- 7.11 The Driver's Seat [6.11]
- 7.12 White Trash Christmas [6.12]
- 7.13 Suck Up or Shut Up [6.13]
- 7.14 Busted [6.14]
- 7.15 David vs. Goliath [6.15]
- 7.16 Everyone Comes to Jackie's [6.16]
- 7.17 Don't Make Room for Daddy [6.17]
- 7.18 Don't Ask, Don't Tell [6.18]
- 7.19 Labor Day [6.19]
- 7.20 Past Imperfect [6.20]
- 7.21 Lies My Father Told Me [6.21]
- 7.22 I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep [6.22]
- 7.23 Body by Jake [6.23]
- 7.24 Isn't It Romantic? [6.24]
- 7.25 Altar Egos [6.25]
- 8 Season 7
- 8.1 Nine Is Enough [7.1]
- 8.2 Two For One [7.2]
- 8.3 Snoop Davey Dave [7.3]
- 8.4 Girl Talk [7.4]
- 8.5 Sleeper [7.5]
- 8.6 Skeleton in the Closet [7.6]
- 8.7 Follow the Son [7.7]
- 8.8 Punch and Jimmy [7.8]
- 8.9 White Men Can't Kiss [7.9]
- 8.10 Thanksgiving 1994 [7.10]
- 8.11 Maybe Baby [7.11]
- 8.12 The Parenting Trap [7.12]
- 8.13 Rear Window [7.13]
- 8.14 My Name is Bev [7.14]
- 8.15 Bed and Bored [7.15]
- 8.16 Sisters [7.16]
- 8.17 Lost Youth [7.17]
- 8.18 Single Married Female [7.18]
- 8.19 All About Rosey [7.19]
- 8.20 Husbands and Wives [7.20]
- 8.21 Happy Trailers [7.21]
- 8.22 The Blaming of the Shrew [7.22]
- 8.23 The Birds and the Frozen Bees [7.23]
- 8.24 Couch Potatoes [7.24]
- 8.25 Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute [7.25]
- 9 Season 8
- 9.1 Shower the People You Love with Stuff [8.1]
- 9.2 Let Them Eat Junk [8.2]
- 9.3 Roseanne in the Hood [8.3]
- 9.4 The Last Date [8.4]
- 9.5 Halloween - The Final Chapter [8.5]
- 9.6 The Fifties Show [8.6]
- 9.7 The Getaway, Almost [8.7]
- 9.8 The Last Thursday in November [8.8]
- 9.9 Of Mice and Dan [8.9]
- 9.10 Direct to Video [8.10]
- 9.11 December Bride [8.11]
- 9.12 The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract [8.12]
- 9.13 White Sheep of the Family [8.13]
- 9.14 Becky Howser, M.D. [8.14]
- 9.15 Out of the Past [8.15]
- 9.16 Construction Junction [8.16]
- 9.17 We're Going to Disney World [8.17]
- 9.18 Disney World War II [8.18]
- 9.19 Springtime for David [8.19]
- 9.20 Another Mouth to Shut Up [8.20]
- 9.21 Morning Becomes Obnoxious [8.21]
- 9.22 Ballroom Blitz [8.22]
- 9.23 The Wedding [8.23]
- 9.24 Heart and Soul [8.24]
- 9.25 Fights and Stuff [8.25]
- 10 Season 9
- 10.1 Call Waiting [9.1]
- 10.2 Millions from Heaven [9.2]
- 10.3 What a Day for a Daydream [9.3]
- 10.4 Honor Thy Mother [9.4]
- 10.5 Someday My Prince Will Come [9.5]
- 10.6 Pampered to a Pulp [9.6]
- 10.7 Satan, Darling [9.7]
- 10.8 Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti [9.8]
- 10.9 Roseambo [9.9]
- 10.10 Home is Where the Afghan Is [9.10]
- 10.11 Mothers and Other Strangers [9.11]
- 10.12 Home for the Holidays [9.12]
- 10.13 Say It Aint's So [9.13]
- 10.14 Hit the Road Jack [9.14]
- 10.15 The War Room [9.15]
- 10.16 Lanford's Elite [9.16]
- 10.17 Some Enchanted Merger [9.17]
- 10.18 A Second Chance [9.18]
- 10.19 The Miracle [9.19]
- 10.20 Roseanne-Feld [9.20]
- 10.21 The Truth Be Told [9.21]
- 10.22 Arsenic and Old Mom [9.22]
- 10.23 Into That Good Night: Part 1 [9.23]
- 10.24 Into That Good Night: Part 2 [9.24]
- 11 Quotes From Unknown Episodes
- 12 External Links
Life and Stuff [1.1]
- DJ: Mom, I got a knot in my shoe.
- Roseanne: Wear loafers.
- DJ: Come on, Mom.
- Roseanne: Alright, give them here.
- Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.
- Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks!
We're in the Money [1.2]
- Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
- Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
- Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
- Roseanne: And they're all better then you, I bet.
- Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
- Roseanne: You're not either.
- Dan: I'm the best!
- Roseanne: You're the worst!
- Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- Roseanne: (to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?
Language Lessons [1.4]
- Dan: You only married me for my cooking.
- Roseanne: Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!
- [In the garage]
- Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
- Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
- Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!
- Dan: It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
- Jackie: Well Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.
- Dan: Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never bad mouth my chili!
- Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
- Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here EVERY weekend.
- Roseanne: Well I didn't think I'D be here EVERY weekend.
Radio Days [1.5]
Lovers' Lane [1.6]
The Memory Game [1.7]
Here's to Good Friends [1.8]
Dan's Birthday Bash [1.9]
Canoga Time [1.11]
The Monday Thru Friday Show [1.12]
Bridge Over Troubled Sonny [1.13]
Father's Day [1.14]
Nightmare on Oak Street [1.15]
Mall Story [1.16]
Becky's Choice [1.17]
The Slice of Life [1.18]
- [When Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed]
- Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat'; O as in 'oaf'; N as in 'numbskull', N as in 'nitwit'.. E as in... 'empty headed'; R as in 'target'.
Workin' Overtime [1.19]
- Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.
- Darlene: Rub a Lamp.
Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore [1.20]
- Roseanne: That isn't funny, Darlene. You're grounded 'till menopause!
- Darlene: Yours or mine?
- Roseanne: Your father's!
- Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
- Roseanne: Like I like my men - crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
Death and Stuff [1.21]
- [After the salesman dies on the table]
- Roseanne:(Checks his pulse) ...Oh my god! He's dead!
- Dan: Check it again!
- Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!
Dear Mom and Dad [1.22]
Let's Call It Quits [1.23]
Inherit the Wind [2.1]
Little Sister [2.2]
Guilt by Disassociation [2.3]
Somebody Stole My Gal [2.4]
House of Grown-Ups [2.5]
- Roseanne: I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.
Five of a Kind [2.6]
Sweet Dreams [2.8]
We Gather Together [2.9]
Brain-Dead Poets Society [2.10]
- [Darlene has to recite her poem aloud]
- Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late / It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate. / To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this / And I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this. / To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment / Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement. / To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball / But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall. / To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen / Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen. / To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel / When I get blindsided my pain is quite real. / I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns. / I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns.
No Talking [2.12]
[At dinner, nobody's talking to each other]
- D.J.: What's going on?
- Becky: Got me.
- D.J.: Mom, what's going on?
- Roseanne: We're playing a game.
- D.J.: Can I play?
- Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.
Chicken Hearts [2.13]
- Roseanne: I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And, I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. But, I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough, yet, to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.
One for the Road [2.14]
- Darlene: You have a big mouth.
- Roseanne: No I don’t. BECKY!
An Officer and a Gentleman [2.15]
Born to be Wild [2.16]
This Old House [2.18]
All of Me [2.19]
To Tell the Truth [2.20]
Fender Bender [2.21]
April Fool's Day [2.22]
Fathers and Daughters [2.23]
- [Dan and Becky are at the mall]
- Becky: Thanks for, you know, coming.
- [they hug]
- Becky: I love you.
- Dan: Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.
Happy Birthday [2.24]
The Test [3.1]
- D.J.: Was I an accident?
- Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
- D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
- Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you would do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
- D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
- Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
Friends and Relatives [3.2]
- D.J.: Darlene says I'm a prevert.
- Roseanne: No, you're not a prevert, DJ, you're a pervert.
Like a Virgin [3.3]
Like, a New Job [3.4]
- Darlene: (on the phone) Hello? Yea! I'd love too. Friday night? Yea, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh sure I put out. Everybody knows that.
- Roseanne: Darlene, what are you doing?
- Darlene: Oh don't worry mom, he thinks it's Becky.
- Roseanne: Oh, ok.
Good-bye, Mr Right [3.5]
- Darlene: D.J. is doing something weird, and I don't mean regularly weird, I mean weird weird.
- Roseanne: I am so tired of this, everytime he does something you two come down the stairs complaining. I told you before, he doesn't do things the same way you do things, he's a boy. Boys do things differently.
- Darlene: Very different.
- (Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)
- Roseanne: Awwww, it looks like D.J. has a hobby.
- Becky: Mother! These are my old dolls!
- Dan: Oh God, he's not playing with dolls, is he?
- (Dan looks up to see the beheaded barbie)
- Dan: Oh, that's a relief.
Becky, Beds and Boys [3.6]
Trick or Treat [3.7]
PMS, I Love You [3.8]
- Dan: Do I have to spell it out? P-M-S!
- DJ: OH MY GOD!
- Dan: It's like a 24 hour roller coaster ride with Sybil at the switch.
Bird is the Word [3.9]
- DJ: Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?
- Roseanne: Three hands...?
- DJ: Yeah, look.
- Roseanne: Lem' me see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!
Dream Lover [3.10]
Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? [3.11]
- Bev: You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)
- Darlene: Yeah well if she's so popular just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)
- Roseanne: Darlene, leave the table.
- Darlene: Yeah, I knew that'd do it.
The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father [3.13]
The Wedding [3.14]
Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore [3.15]
- Becky: No one could eat this crud.
- Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.
Valentine's Day [3.17]
Communicable Theater [3.18]
Vegas Interuptus [3.19]
Her Boyfriend's Back [3.20]
Trouble With Rubbles [3.21]
- Roseanne: I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.
Second Time Around [3.22]
- [Roseanne is having a baby]
- Dan: If you aren't going to do it right just forget the whole thing.
- Dan: Five, five, five, five, one--yes, it's a boy!
Dances With Darlene [3.23]
- (Darlene has just tried on a ridiculously spacey dress)
- Becky: Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.
- Roseanne: You know, Darlene, there's lots of ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!
Scenes from a Barbecue [3.24]
- Becky: What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
- Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.
The Pied Piper of Lanford [3.25]
- Roseanne: You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
- Ziggy: And I've never been proven wrong.
A Bitter Pill to Swallow [4.1]
Take My Bike, Please! [4.2]
- D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days and nobody cared.
- Roseanne: That's impossible.
- D.J.: Uh huh, the last thing I said was 'Cheerios'.
- [Becky and Darlene are fighting]
- Roseanne: We have a happy, happy family and you two bitches aren't gonna ruin it.
- Roseanne: I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone Family.
Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker [4.3]
- Roseanne: (passing the dog, who is eating out of a cereal bowl on the table) G'morning, DJ.
- Roseanne: You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.
- Roseanne: What the hell were you thinking!?
- Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never be able to find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
- Roseanne: Well, that's still no excuse.
Darlene Fades to Black [4.4]
- Bonnie: What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
- Roseanne: [Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.
- [Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]
- Dan: Just checking.
Tolerate Thy Neighbor [4.5]
- Roseanne: God, I hate Kathy Bowman!
- Becky: And today's reason is…
- [D.J. torments Becky]
- Dan: I'm so damned proud I could burst.
- Leon: Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for even one moment to stay out of it!
- Roseanne: Yeah, but by then it was too late.
- Roseanne: The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy... and that they're out of the house, and I tell you what, happy ain't even that important.
- Roseanne: He's got that thing were he wants DJ to carry on the Connor name. You know, I told him that Becky would probably have a few kids before she was married… and they'd be Connors, but, uh that didn't help him any.
- Kathy: I'm in hell.
- Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code though.
- Roseanne: Ya know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.
- Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
- Roseanne: Now you're getting it. Yeah. Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
- Kathy: What are you talking about?
- Roseanne: Oh, we all use to be like you Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying... but now... we're the Lanford Wives.
- Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
- Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try to resist us Kathy, we already have Jerry - Jerry's one of us - Jerry joined the Lodge.
- Kathy: You're a sick woman Roseanne.
- Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise Kathy. Just think about it... swap meets... bowling Leagues... bingo... double coupon week... casino night at the slaughter house. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.
Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down [4.6]
- Chuckie: (reading from card): "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."
Dan: So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
Vegas, Vegas [4.8]
Stressed to Kill [4.9]
- Roseanne: [at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes you did. Then why'd you take a big 'ol bite out of it?
- Bonnie: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
- Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.
- Roseanne: Can I help you?
- Customer: Huh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
- Roseanne: Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
Thanksgiving 1991 [4.10]
Kansas City, Here We Come [4.11]
- (Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)
- Becky: God I hate my life!
- Dan: Tough day, honey?
- Becky: My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
- Dan: (still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
- Becky: And I can't quit, because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
- Dan: Sorry, sweetheart.
- Becky: And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
- Dan: (continuing to look at the paper the whole conversation) 'Night, Rosie.
Santa Claus [4.12]
- (Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)
- Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
- Becky: I changed him five times already.
- Darlene: Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.
- Dan: It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B2, B6, B7. I turned around and she was gone.
The Bowling Show [4.14]
- Kevin Healy: (meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control.
- (This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)
The Back Story [4.15]
Less is More [4.16]
- Roseanne: Oh, way ta' go, Doogie!
Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do [4.17]
- Dan: Hey Rosie, get this, Dean got hurt in football just like I did.
- Roseanne: No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?
I'm Hungry [4.18]
The Commercial Show [4.19]
- Roseanne: (screaming at DJ and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling, or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you where doing when you were making that peg leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!
- Bonnie: Who was that?
- Roseanne: That was my lovely neighbor.
- Bonnie: Oh, the ice pop lady, eh?
- Roseanne: Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.
- DJ: You're only moving to Chicago cuz your mom needs an operation.
- Todd: She does not!
- DJ: She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.
- Jackie: Hey Beck, where's Darlene?
- Becky: Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
- Dan: She go home?
- Becky: Not yet!
- (Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided pigtails)
- Darlene: Shut up.
- Dan: Why Darlene! You look-
- Darlene: Shut up.
- Jackie: Oh, come on! It's not so-
- Darlene: Shut up!
- Roseanne: (talking to Jackie's therapist about Dan) You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
- Dan: It's your name!
- Roseanne: It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!
- David: So what did I do anyway? I put my arm around you.
- Darlene: Well yeah, what was next?
- David: God, I don't know, it took me 3 weeks to get to that.
- Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced the thermostat!
- Dan: I know, but it's still either too hot or too cold.
- Roseanne: That's because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps having hot and cold flashes.
- Dan: I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
- Jackie: No!
- Dan: Yeah. Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.
- (Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)
- Darlene: (To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
- David: I was just holding your hand.
- Darlene: Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
- Becky: (To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.
- Dan: [walks in the back door to the kitchen] Where's Darlene?
- Roseanne: Up in her room.
- Dan: Why?
- Roseanne: Her and David got into a little tiff.
- Dan: [referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
- Roseanne: Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.
- Darlene: (To David) Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DavidDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
- Crystal: [in labor] This better be a girl; this better be a girl!
- Dan: Come on Crystal; if it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
- Crystal: The hell I will!
- Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look Crystal and you can't make me.
- Roseanne: [after Jackie hangs up after talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?
- Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we just missed it because you're an idiot!
- Roseanne: She called me an idiot?
- Arnie: C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!
- Dan: It's enough we let you sit at the grown up table!
Don't Make Me Over [4.24]
Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 [5.1]
- Becky: You know, you act like you're the only one with problems around here.
- Dan: Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I've ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we are going through?
- Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? I mean, today may be the last I will ever see Mark again, OK.
- Roseanne: Whoa. What are you talking about?
- Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis; I'm telling him to take it and it is all 'cause of you.
- Dan: Excuse me.
- Becky: If you knew how to run a business he would still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything. You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
- Roseanne: Becky, you shut up.
- Becky: Come on, mother. You know it, everybody knows, I'm the only one with guts to say it.
Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 [5.2]
- (Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)
- Becky: Anybody home?
- Darlene: Oh, look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
- Mark: Hey little bro, how ya doin'?
- David: Great, except thanks to you, I'm now related to my girlfriend.
- Becky: Where's mom?
- Darlene: She's in the kitchen... with the knives.
- Mark: Want me to go in there with you?
- Darlene: With the knives.
- (Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)
- Darlene: If you lie still she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
- Becky: Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep next to each other tonight.
- Darlene: I am NOT moving to DJ's room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed!
- Roseanne: Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
- Mark: Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.
- Dan: You're in my way. Are you going to move... or am I going to move you?
- (Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)
- Becky (her voice from upstairs): Very funny Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!
- (Becky and Mark are getting ready to leave for Minneapolis)
- Mark: Hey, I'm gonna take care of her. So back off.
- Roseanne: Foolish boy. You know nothing of my powers do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore, I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
- Roseanne: Darlene, D.J., get down here!
- Becky: Bye D.J.
- D.J.: See ya! (Runs off)
- Roseanne: I hope you know how hard that was for him.
- Darlene: Take it easy.
- Becky: You, too.
- Darlene: I'll miss you.
- Becky: Will you call?
- Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
- Becky: I love you, Darlene.
- Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
- Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
- Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
- Becky: Later, Morticia.
The Dark Ages [5.3]
Mommy Nearest [5.4]
Pretty in Black [5.5]
Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places [5.6]
Halloween IV [5.7]
Ladies' Choice [5.8]
Stand on Your Man [5.9]
Good Girls, Bad Girls [5.10]
- Molly: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
- Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
- [Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene]
- Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
- Darlene: Can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
- Molly: It's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay.
- Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
- Darlene: Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad after-school special.
- Dan: I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.
- Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
- Darlene: Trying to get home. That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to hail a cab.
- Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is you call.
- Darlene: It was a rough neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
- Roseanne: Cut the crap, okay. You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.
- Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.
Of Ice and Men [5.11]
- Darlene: Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?
- D.J.: Try to steal it from him.
- Darlene: No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?
- Dan: There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie has just returned from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!
- Roseanne, Dan, Darlene: (cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!
- (Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
- Woman at game: Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
- (Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)
It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays [5.12]
[Jackie tells Roseanne she won't be coming over for Christmas]
Jackie: I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.
Roseanne: Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
Jackie: Oh it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
Roseanne: Why? You can't be cured.
Jackie: Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
Roseanne: Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.
Crime and Punishment [5.13]
- Jackie: What kind of obscene material could DJ have?
- Roseanne: Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
- Darlene: What's wrong with Aunt Jackie?
- Roseanne: Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
- Darlene: Well, was she in an accident?
- Roseanne: No, why?
- Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
- Roseanne: She didn't tell me about that.
- Roseanne: You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
- Jackie: W...why can't you just leave it alone?
- Roseanne: (realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!
- Roseanne: (seeing Dan's swollen hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), then go buy chicken, did you?
- Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.
War and Peace [5.14]
- DJ: Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
- Roseanne: Oh... not now, DJ.
- DJ: The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
- Roseanne: God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
- DJ: I got a D.
- Roseanne: It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
- Dj: Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
- Roseanne: You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
- DJ: Okay!
- Roseanne: You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose meat restaurant, I know what to do with the body.
Lanford Daze [5.15]
Wait Till Your Father Comes Home [5.16]
- Roseanne: Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
- Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
- Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
- Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
- Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
- Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I got some bad news... Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No... DEAD!... DEAD! DEAD!... No, he's fine, he sends his love! [hangs up] I am not doing that again, you can't make me!
First Cousin, Twice Removed [5.17]
- Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.
- Roseanne: Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent from anyway? You're from Illinois.
- Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a real good reason to hate you--you're a bitch!
- Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
- long pause*
- Roseanne: Good one!
Lose a Job, Winnebago [5.18]
It's a Boy [5.19]
- [David just moved into the house]
- Dan: I feel it men! The hormonal blance in the house has shifted. And men are victorious! Come men, let us retire to the living room where we will watch the Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.
- Roseanne: Dan, I went and had another kid.
- Dan: Is David out there?
- Roseanne: You mean Dan Jr..
It Was Twenty Years Ago Today [5.20]
- Dan: I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.
- Roseanne: You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
- Dan: My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!
Playing With Matches [5.21]
- Molly: I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
- Roseanne: Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.
Promises, Promises [5.22]
Glengarry, Glen Rosey [5.23]
- Dan: Ah man, we're screwed.
- Roseanne: No Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
Tooth or Consequences [5.24]
Daughters and Other Strangers [5.25]
Two Down, One to Go [6.1]
- Darlene: Is it ok if David takes me to school?
- Dan: Did you ask your mother?
- Darlene: Yeah.
- Roseanne: I'm ok with it, how about you, Dan?
- Dan: Sure, what the hell.
- Darlene: Thanks, Dad.
- Roseanne: Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
- Dan: I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
- Roseanne: God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined desert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
- Dan: ... I didn't think I'd take it that hard.
The Mommy's Curse [6.2]
Party Politics [6.3]
- Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.
- Darlene: Yes, this is Mrs. Connor. Yes, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.
(switches to the other line, where Fred hands the phone to Roseanne)
- Roseanne: Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You two are huge trouble. Oh, and I know you and David are back together too.
- Darlene: How'd you find out?
- Roseanne: You just told me.
- Roseanne: DJ, come on! I'm walking you to school today.
- DJ: (sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh God, you're not going in that are you?
- Roseanne: Oh DJ, I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do... (take off her robe to reveal trashy, hillbilly clothes) this to you! Oh, and this... (takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Now come on, after this I'm going to surprise your sister in Chicago.
A Stash from the Past [6.4]
- Jackie [sitting in the bathtub]: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?!?!?
Be My Baby [6.5]
- Jackie: Hold on Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.
Halloween V [6.6]
Homeward Bound [6.7]
- Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
- Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
- Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
- Roseanne: Okay, new subject. Um, Dan, how was your day at work?
- Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
Guilt by Imagination [6.8]
- Phyllis Zimmer: Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
- Dan: Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
- Roseanne: I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.
- Jackie: It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
- Becky: (played by Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.
Thanksgiving 1993 [6.10]
- DJ: (on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.
The Driver's Seat [6.11]
White Trash Christmas [6.12]
- Bev: Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The wise men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
- Roseanne: Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
- Bev: And what on Earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
- Dan: Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
- [Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
- Bev: What is Santa Claus doing?
- Roseanne: Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
- [Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
Suck Up or Shut Up [6.13]
- Dan: Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!
- Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minelli.
- Roy: So you want something to drink?
- Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.
- Dan: You wanna order a pizza?
- Roy: #3 on the speed-dial.
- Dan: Excellent!
(Darlene and David walk into the apartment, where Roseanne is waiting)
- Roseanne: Hi, David. I found this pen. Does it belong to you?
- David: (scared) Um...no.
- Roseanne: Oh, okay then. Oh wait, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
David vs. Goliath [6.15]
Everyone Comes to Jackie's [6.16]
- Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who do they think they are anyway?
- Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!
Don't Make Room for Daddy [6.17]
Don't Ask, Don't Tell [6.18]
Labor Day [6.19]
- DJ: Did your water break when you had me?
- Roseanne: By the time I had you, everything was broken.
Past Imperfect [6.20]
- Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
- Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
- Fred: I mean seriously.
- Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
- Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
- Jackie: Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
- Fred: Well I guess not.
- Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
- Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
- Jackie: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
- Fred: Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
- Jackie: Well... I didn't know all of them.
Lies My Father Told Me [6.21]
I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep [6.22]
- D.J.: I just had some questions about God and stuff.
- Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
- D.J.: Okay... what religion are we?
- Roseanne: I have no idea... Dan?
- Dan: Well... my family was Pentacostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
- D.J.: So what do we believe?
- Roseanne: Well... we believe in... being good. So basically, we're good people.
- Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.
Body by Jake [6.23]
Isn't It Romantic? [6.24]
Altar Egos [6.25]
Nine Is Enough [7.1]
Mark: God, everyone's so afraid of getting sick, nobody'll even come near me. I feel like a leopard.
Two For One [7.2]
Snoop Davey Dave [7.3]
- Roseanne: You know there are a lot of other ways to annoy me and your father. Look at Becky, she didn't do drugs, she married Mark.
Girl Talk [7.4]
Skeleton in the Closet [7.6]
- Roseanne: Dan, if you're still gay, I'd like a mimosa and some eggs florentine for breakfast.
- Dan: I don't have to do what you tell me. I'm Fred's bitch, now.
- Jackie: You heard that guy, if mom goes bald, we could go bald to...this is definitely Mom's hair, look at this.
- (Jackie puts on the wig and puts her hands up in front of her body)
- Jackie: (in Bev's voice) "Oh Roseanne! Roseanne, a woman your size should not wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay at home! And I don't mean to alarm you but I think your D.J. might be retarded!"
Follow the Son [7.7]
Punch and Jimmy [7.8]
White Men Can't Kiss [7.9]
- Roseanne: [to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!
- Roseanne: You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
- D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
- Roseanne: Are you new?
Thanksgiving 1994 [7.10]
Maybe Baby [7.11]
The Parenting Trap [7.12]
Rear Window [7.13]
- [Dan can't stop watching the elderly neighbors walking around their house naked]
- Dan: It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
- [on their new neighbors]
- Jackie: So, they're like, really old?
- Roseanne: Well, lets just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President *Lincoln* was shot.
My Name is Bev [7.14]
Bed and Bored [7.15]
Lost Youth [7.17]
Single Married Female [7.18]
All About Rosey [7.19]
Husbands and Wives [7.20]
Happy Trailers [7.21]
- Trailer Park Resident: And don't you ever feed my dog!
- Roseanne: I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!
The Blaming of the Shrew [7.22]
- Jackie: [laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?
- Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
- Roseanne: I like her!
The Birds and the Frozen Bees [7.23]
- Roseanne: [to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!
Couch Potatoes [7.24]
- Roseanne: We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute [7.25]
Shower the People You Love with Stuff [8.1]
- Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
- [talking to Becky now again played by Lecy Goranson]
- Becky: Just getting this.
- Roseanne: Took you long enough, seems like you' been gone for 3 years.
Let Them Eat Junk [8.2]
Roseanne in the Hood [8.3]
- David: (trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!
- Roseanne: You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!
- Dan: [Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he want to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.
- Roseanne: All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
- Dan: [pause] B3.
- Roseanne: That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
- Dan: G6.
- Roseanne: The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.
- Roseanne: It's amazing how you can have your hips stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
The Last Date [8.4]
- Becky: Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."
- Darlene: So, what did you like better? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?
- Becky: (drunk and confused) Ok.
- Darlene: Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
- Becky: Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
- Darlene: God, it's mom. It's Mom Tar-tar.
- Becky: How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
- Darlene: 2 and a half hours at 350. I've though about it a lot.
Halloween - The Final Chapter [8.5]
The Fifties Show [8.6]
The Getaway, Almost [8.7]
The Last Thursday in November [8.8]
Of Mice and Dan [8.9]
Direct to Video [8.10]
December Bride [8.11]
- Scott: We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.
- Roseanne: What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
- (enter Leon)
- Leon: Scott!
- Scott: Hi, Honey!
- Leon: Roseanne, what is all this?
- Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
- Leon: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!
- Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
- Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
- Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.
- Leon: What if I'm not even gay?
- Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
- Leon: Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
- Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
- Leon: Well...
- Roseanne: GAY!!!!!!!!!
- Leon: Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.
The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract [8.12]
White Sheep of the Family [8.13]
- Becky: Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.
- Roseanne: Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crack are the appetizers in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.99 for a thing of spaghetti if Chef Boyardee was in the kitchen.
Becky Howser, M.D. [8.14]
- Becky: Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..
- Roseanne: But..
- Becky: What's the but?
- Roseanne: Mark is the butt, I must go on about my point.
Out of the Past [8.15]
Construction Junction [8.16]
We're Going to Disney World [8.17]
- Becky: Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?
- Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
- Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
- Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
Disney World War II [8.18]
Springtime for David [8.19]
- David: (being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!
- Roseanne: (a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
- David: I'm Not Listening. I'm Not Listening.
- Roseanne: Listen to me David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
- David: Oh No, No, No, No!
- Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
- (David pants with anger)
- Roseanne: That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! Your feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
- David: No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) Your a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
- Roseanne: (slaps him) LIAR! Break damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
- David: (broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
- Roseanne: There...There.... Welcome home, son.
Another Mouth to Shut Up [8.20]
- David: (on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?
- Darlene: You know, erm... or we could just get married.
- David: Yeah right! To who?
- Darlene: David...
- David: You're serious about this aren't you?
- Darlene: Yeah, I am.
- David: Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
- Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
- [about Darlene's pregnancy]
- David: When? How? Where?
- Darlene: When? Disney World!
- David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
- Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.
- Roseanne: Let's see, David is pale and nervous, no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she just gave her brother a compliment. I know--you're pregnant!
- (everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
- Roseanne: (yelling) That was my joke guess!
- Roseanne: Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!
- Dan: Yee-haw!
Morning Becomes Obnoxious [8.21]
Ballroom Blitz [8.22]
The Wedding [8.23]
Heart and Soul [8.24]
Fights and Stuff [8.25]
Call Waiting [9.1]
Millions from Heaven [9.2]
- Jackie: Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I got to tell you something.
- Roseanne: What? Where's my baby?
- Jackie: We won the lottery, the Illonis State Lottery! It's a 108 million dollars!
- Roseanne: Ok, you're telling me we won the Illonis State Lottery, is that what your telling me?
- Jackie: Let's tell Dan!
- Roseanne: NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this will kill him.
- Dan: What's going on?
- Roseanne: Don't panic.
- Dan: Why, what's wrong?
- Roseanne: Nothing.
- Jackie: Nothing is wrong, will ever be wrong again.
- Roseanne: We won the lottery.
- Dan: Oh my God, we won the lottery!
- [talking to Dj]
- Roseanne: Hay hay, go get my shirt.
What a Day for a Daydream [9.3]
Honor Thy Mother [9.4]
Someday My Prince Will Come [9.5]
Pampered to a Pulp [9.6]
- Roseanne: Well, I'll snap your spine in a half like a potato chip, ya bitch.
Satan, Darling [9.7]
Nancy: Good thing we all brought our ovaries.
Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti [9.8]
Home is Where the Afghan Is [9.10]
Mothers and Other Strangers [9.11]
Home for the Holidays [9.12]
Say It Aint's So [9.13]
Hit the Road Jack [9.14]
- [discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]
- Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.
The War Room [9.15]
Lanford's Elite [9.16]
Some Enchanted Merger [9.17]
A Second Chance [9.18]
The Miracle [9.19]
- Roseanne to the baby: I owe you an apology. I've been trying to fix your body. We're not bodies with souls. We're souls with bodies."
The Truth Be Told [9.21]
Arsenic and Old Mom [9.22]
Into That Good Night: Part 1 [9.23]
Into That Good Night: Part 2 [9.24]
- Roseanne's Monologue: (Last words of the Series) Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I’ve found it’s all around you. Take Leon for instance… Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He’s the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk’s Club... Then there’s Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn’t get too creative there… A lot of kids have called my son a nerd but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum… My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish mom hadn’t either. I wish she had made different choices. So I think that’s why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman… Oh yeah, and she’s nuts… My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She’s been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her. I guess Nancy’s kind of my hero too… Cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don’t know what happened to that husband of hers but in my book I sent him into outer space… When Becky brought David home a few years ago I thought, “This is wrong!” He was much more Darlene’s type… When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky… I guess I was wrong. But I still think they’d be more compatible the other way around. So in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it… I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He’s still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him… Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own. And we did. We didn’t hit our children as we were hit, we didn’t demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn’t teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider’s standards or another’s. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one’s who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing’s really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you’re a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything’s solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Segal wanting to fight the whole world. For a while I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn’t even get out of bed till I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man. But then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason. And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.
Quotes From Unknown Episodes
- Roseanne: Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!.
- Nancy: Good thing we all brought our ovaries.
- Roseanne: All human beings connect sex and love... except for men.
- Dan: So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
- Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!
- Roseanne: Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
- Jackie: Well, sex is about as far as I want to go right now.