C. D. Bales
- I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream — and I hope you don't find this too crazy — is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad.
- Oh, irony! Oh no, we don't get that here. See, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.
(challenged to come up with 20 insults better than "Big Nose"):
- "Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!"
- "Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he?"
- "Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schieb, and I can paint that nose for $39.95!"
- "Polite: Excuse me, would you mind not bobbing your head? The uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo."
- "Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?"
- "Complimentary: You must LOVE the little birdies to give them THIS to perch on."
- "Melodic, everyone: (the entire bar sings)He's got the WHOLE WORLD, in his nose!"
Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don't stare.
Chris McConnell:: Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.
Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.
Ralston: Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap." [laughs]
Chris McConnell: Thanks guys, all right.
Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.
Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.
C.D. Bales: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris McConnell: I think it's really good!
C.D. Bales: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."
C.D. Bales: You must know about M31.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah.
C.D. Bales: Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.
Roxanne Kowalski: Do you know how many objects are up there?
C.D. Bales: Well, I know it's over fifty.
[to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose]
C.D. Bales: I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.