The Office (US)

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Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
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The Office (2005–) is an American NBC situation comedy and mock documentary, based on the British show of the same name, set in a paper-products office in Scranton, Pennsylvania where Michael Scott manages a group of employees, and does a remarkably poor job of it.

The Office (UK) has a separate Wikiquote page.

Contents

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Diversity Day [1.2]

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman?

Health Care [1.3]

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

The Alliance [1.4]

Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.
Michael: Meredith is so old... how old is she? Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called; she wants her age and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced, what, twice?

Michael: When I retire, I-- I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Basketball [1.5]

Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Hot Girl [1.6]

Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Katy: It was nice to meet some of you.

Season 2

The Dundies [2.1]

Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Sexual Harassment [2.2]

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling...
Michael: That's what she said!

Dwight: [to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Office Olympics [2.3]

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

The Fire [2.4]

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Halloween [2.5]

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

The Fight [2.6]

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

The Client [2.7]

Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Performance Review [2.8]

Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Email Surveillance [2.9]

Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Christmas Party [2.10]

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Booze Cruise [2.11]

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

The Injury [2.12]

Michael: What do I write under "reason for visit?"
Jim: Concussion. [Michael scratches something out] What'd you write?
Michael: ..."Bringing someone to the hospital."
Jim: Oh, you thought they meant your reason for visit.
Michael: No, you know what? This isn't about me anymore.

Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

The Secret [2.13]

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know - politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.

The Carpet [2.14]

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Boys and Girls [2.15]

Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "mens-day"]
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they meet "the Others"?

Valentine's Day [2.16]

Dwight:Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I’m very nervous.

Dwight's Speech [2.17]

Dwight: [giving a speech at a paper selling conference] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!

Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I mispelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.

Take Your Daughter to Work Day [2.18]

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.


Michael's Birthday [2.19]

Dwight: [After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Drug Testing [2.20]

[Viewing a picture of marijuana]
Creed: That is "Northern Lights" Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Conflict Resolution [2.21]

Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn’t tell anyone, ’cause I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I’m not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Casino Night [2.22]

Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Season 3

Gay Witch Hunt [3.1]

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

The Convention [3.2]

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Guess where I am going? I'll give you a hint: It is a booze-fueled sex romp where anything goes. [looks to camera] You are correct, sir! I'm headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-market Office Supply Convention!

The Coup [3.3]

Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yeah...
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: ...Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Grief Counseling [3.4]

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Initiation [3.5]

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: ...Yeah.

Diwali [3.6]

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Branch Closing [3.7]

Michael: It is an outrage, that’s all. They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

The Merger [3.8]

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

The Convict [3.9]

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Prison Mike: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

A Benihana Christmas [3.10]

Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
Toby: C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What's that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.

Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?
Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: I had a rebound.
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like— the one that broke your heart.

Back From Vacation [3.11]

Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: ...Oh god.

Traveling Salesmen [3.12]

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

The Return [3.13]

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Ben Franklin [3.14]

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Phyllis' Wedding [3.15]

Dwight: I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Business School [3.16]

Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Cocktails [3.17]

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.

The Negotiation [3.18]

Jim: I guess, all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.

Michael: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Safety Training [3.19]

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!
Jim: Andy... nah, he's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

Michael: I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.

Product Recall [3.20]

Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Women's Appreciation [3.21]

Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Dwight: I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Michael: There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Beach Games [3.22]

Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

The Job [3.23]

Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [calls Pam] Hey Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentally. Be like three hours late.

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...
[Jim walks in on interview]
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then... it's a date.
[Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]
Pam: I'm sorry, what was the question?

Season 4

Fun Run [4.1]

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam.

Michael: I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in--
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how double jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Angela: [after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?
Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Michael: Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.

Dunder Mifflin Infinity [4.2]

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Creed: Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Michael: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.

Dwight: [to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.

Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!

Launch Party [4.3]

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Michael: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.

Angela: I can't do this. I can't do it.
Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?
Angela: Okay. Okay.
Michael: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Stanley: Find anything?
Kevin: I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
Stanley: Can't you guys do it?
Oscar: 'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."
Jim: That's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Money [4.4]

Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.

Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. So as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we can have power back on.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care - they're your oats.

Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight: [sobs]
Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy...and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Local Ad [4.5]

Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Branch Wars [4.6]

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Survivor Man [4.7]

Pam: [about the corportate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

The Deposition [4.8]

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Dinner Party [4.9]

Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story, babe.
Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
Michael: [laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Jim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own game called, let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests. They're both winning.

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
Michael: I am sorry too.
Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a fucking kid!
Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
Jan: I hate my life.

Chair Model [4.10]

Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?

Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 dollar a month apartment, wonders how hes going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders how am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Night Out [4.11]

Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Pam: There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Did I Stutter? [4.12]

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Job Fair [4.13]

Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

Goodbye, Toby [4.14]

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her, too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Holly: [thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you!
Kevin: You want an M&M?
Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.
Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Season 5

Weight Loss [5.1]

Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a "That's what she said"] Really? Nothing?

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Business Ethics [5.2]

Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers? The Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael: BRRRRUUUCCCEEEE.
Meredith: Well, for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim: Jackpot.
Michael: Ach! Wha...?
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael: That's crazy. That's crazy talk, Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right...what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is...unknowable. But let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work.

Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But...cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no...government, and...things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Baby Shower [5.3]

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Crime Aid [5.4]

Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where...you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Employee Transfer [5.5]

Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Customer Survey [5.6]

Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Business Trip [5.7]

Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
Pam: Uh, yeah.
Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
Pam: I'm not going inside.
Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.
Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.

Frame Toby [5.8]

Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

Webisodes

The Accountants (2006)

Kevin's Loan (2008)

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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