Sam Kinison

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Tuli Kupferberg
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Sam Kinison was a famously loud tent-show preacher-turned-comedian.

Sourced

  • YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!
    • Louder Than Hell.
  • The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG, asshole!"
    • Live from Hell.
  • At least you're not Captain Kangaroo. This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too.
    • Live from Hell.
  • I would like to sing a song for my buddy Rodney, whose girl Laverne broke his heart and let him down; but what Rodney doesn't know, he's got every reason to feel so low, 'cause, Rodney, she fucked everyone in this fuckin' town. YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used Rodney, you never loved Rodney! Remember when Rodney went to the ball game? You had your own ball game! You fucked the whole fire department! You were the fire, you fucking bitch — they had to use your fucking hose! Oh yeah, you fucked a butcher because he said he had the biggest salami in town! I know all about you! You read Moby Dick because you thought there was dick in it! It was the only book you read; you ended up sucking the book! I was best friend, you sucked my dick, I felt guilty — how come you didn't feel guilty?! 'Cause you don't feel anything, you fucking whore! OH, OH, you oughta die, die, you fucking bitch! DIE!!! DIE, YOU WHORE! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! How's THAT Rodney, ya feel any better!?
    • Singing a "torch song" for Rodney Dangerfield on Opening Night at Rodney's Place.
  • "Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys!" "Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?"
    • A woman and her husband arguing about a vibrator, Sam Kinison: Banned
  • "I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?"
    • Leader of the Banned
  • "They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW!
    • A captive in a "Drug War" POW camp, Leader of the Banned
  • Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!"
    • One of Sam's ex-wives on a psychiatrist's couch, Louder than Hell

Unsourced

  • You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, assholes!"
    • On the starvation in Ethiopia.
    • As seen in his first appearance on Letterman.
  • Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's think you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
  • We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!
  • [Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"
  • I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!
  • How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
  • There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
  • The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times....bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice....so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going....YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?!....YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET!....MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!!....I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!....

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