Saved by the Bell

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Go out and buy yourself a five-cent pencil and a ten-cent notebook and begin to write down some million-dollar ideas for yourself.
Bob Grinde
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Saved by the Bell was a popular teen sitcom which ran from 1989 to 1993 and built a large, loyal fanbase. Its original incarnation, Good Morning, Miss Bliss (1987), starred Hayley Mills as the goodnatured Miss Carrie Bliss.

Season One

Dancing to the Max [1.1]

Zack: Come on Jessie, there's lots of guys taller than you.
Jessie: Name one.
Zack: Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

Zack: Jessie, I'm in big trouble.
Jessie: What did you do, sell your parents' house again?

Danny: Jessie, would you like to be my dance partner in the contest?
Jessie: (Standing up) I'd love to...(Seeing how short Danny is) but I don't believe in dance contests.

Screech: (To the doll he was dancing with after being turned down by Lisa) It's all your fault, I told you to let me should lead!

Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody, let's do the... the.. the Sprain.

Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

The Lisa Card [1.2]

Zack: This looks like a job for, Zack-man.

Lisa: You think I went overboard?
Zack: Like the crew of the Titanic.

Zack: The moral of the story, gang. Well, it's simple; (Zack shows a credit card with the name Lisa on it) The Lisa Card, don't leave home WITH it.

Zack: Screech even sold his body to science.
Jessie: Yeah, they gave him twenty dollars to take it back.

Kid: Miss, this isn't what I ordered. You were supposed to toast my buns!
Lisa: You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!

Lisa: I'm sorry, Max.
Max: That's okay. It's only the third tray you've dropped. Don't worry about it.

Zack: How's she doing? Let me put it another way. If Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled.

Zack: We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes. So, she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her - get a job.

Slater: I'm confused, sir. You know, maybe I'm just trying too hard to get girls to like me.
Mr. Belding: Hey, now I can identify with that. This may come as a surprise to you, but when I was your age, I wasn't... well, you know... the hunk I am now!
Slater: I can't believe this, sir! No, I thought you were Stud City!
Mr. Belding: Everybody thinks that!

Zack: ... Kelly got B's, and her parents got her ice cream... (looks at report card) I haven't figure out WHAT to buy my parents yet!

The Gift [1.3]

Screech: Zack, I got an A.
Zack: Hey, Screech, how'd you do that?
Screech: Well, I was seeing so many pictures, I just stayed up all night and went over everything.
Zack: Ohh, you cheated! You studied!

Jessie: Lisa, what is that funny looking letter next to my name?
Lisa: It's a Q, Jessie.
Jessie: No, really, really, I can take it. Whatever I got, I deserved. For the first time in my life, I took the easy way out. I'm prepared to face the consequences.
Lisa: It's a B, Jessie.

(Jessie faints)

Mr. Belding: But what kind of devious creature would make two fake phone calls? (Zack's cell phone rings and Belding picks it up) Zack can't come to the phone right now. He's on his way to pick up his season tickets to detention. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.
Zack: Beep.

Mr. Belding: Screech, your mother called and told me about lightning hitting you. Now, I just want to make sure you're doing alright. Tell me -
Screech: 8:30 last night.
Mr. Belding: ...when exactly were you struck by lightning? 8:30?
Screech: Yeah.
Mr. Belding: Are there any -
Screech: One.
Mr. Belding: ...side effects? Did you say one?
Screech: Yeah, but it's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell anyone that I can see the future.
Mr. Belding: See the future? Screech, that's -
Screech: Preposterous?
Mr. Belding: Right.

Mr. Belding: Now, where was I?
Screech: You were about to say no one has the power to see the future.
Mr. Belding: Right, Screech, no one has the power to see the future!
Screech: Oops, I'll pick them up!
Mr. Belding: Pick what up? (knocks over pencil holder) Uh... Screech, I'm just curious. My mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me -
Screech: She'll be gone by Tuesday.
Mr. Belding: ALRIGHT!

Jessie: You know, you guys, I just remembered, there was one time that I did not get an A. I was in the fourth grade, Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class L's and Q's.
Kelly: Why is getting an A so important to you?
Jessie: It's not important. Alright, it is, I know it shouldn't be, but I just can't help myself. It's my whole identity.
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Jessie: Will you stop hollering at me? Everyone's gotta be something, right? She's the fashionable one, you're the popular one and, who am I?
Kelly: The wacko one.

Fatal Distraction [1.4]

Kelly: So many boys, so little time.

Zack: Kelly.
Kelly: Hi Zack.
Zack: So Kel, big dance friday night, huh?
Kelly: I haven't asked anyone yet Zack.
Zack: Really, well I just want to know that I'm keeping my calendar clear, you know what I mean?
Kelly: I know what you mean, you want me to ask you?
Zack: You could do worse.
Slater: You could do better.... a lot better.

Mr. Belding: Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.
Zack: Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.
Mr. Belding: Kelly Kapowski?
Zack: Yes.
Mr. Belding: Excuse me for a minute.
[turns head to laugh]
Mr. Belding: [still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?

Screech's Woman [1.5]

Slater: (on realising Zack is Bambi) Preppy, is that you? NIIIICEEE legs.

Screech: No, actually, you've helped me. You've made me realize that there are a million fish in the sea and I'm just a worm to attract them.

Mr. Belding: I am never going to the bathroom again.

Zack: What's she doing here?
Lisa: I went over to Jessie's and said, Jessie, I need to borrow your color wheel. Jessie said, Why? I said, Zack needs it. She said, Why? And so I told her and she said ...
Jessie: Why, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Aloha Slater [1.6]

Slater: What's happening here, Screech? Nobody wants me around anymore.
Screech: Can you blame them, Brillo head?

Screech: Hey, Zack, Slater isn't that great. You could do that too if you had muscles.

Slater: Did they really say that (call him a "chauvinistic, musclebound meathead")?
Screech: Hey, would I have the guts to make it up?

Teacher: Hey! This is Study Hall, not Soul Train!

The Substitute [1.7]

Mr. Crane: Everyone tell me your names...
Screech: I'm Screech.
Slater: I'm Slater.
Kelly: (dreamily) I'm yours.
Zack: I'm bummed!

Mr. Crane (as Romeo): With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
Kelly (as Juliet): If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.
Slater: Go kinsmen!

Zack: Oh to be that straw sitting in my lady's cup! Gladly would I be made of plastic and risk drowning in a sea of cola to touch fair Kelly's lips.

Cream for a Day [1.8]

Mr. Belding: It's a little early for the tiger suit, isn't it?
Screech: Uh...there were mice in the building, Mr. Belding!

Zack: (about literally turning Kelly's face red) Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. You know when we're in college we're going to laugh about this.

Zack: Yeah, I'm gonna be famous alright. Student Attacked by Blotchy Maroon Mob, film at eleven.

Charlie "Crater Face" Coburn: Alright, now what about my ten bucks?
Zack: Oh yeah, here you go.
Charlie "Crater Face" Coburn: Hey, wait a minute, Jason Bateman's not on a ten-dollar bill!
Zack: Oh, you noticed.

Zack: Did you wash your face today?
Screech: Why would I do that during the week?

Screech: Zack, quick, you've got to help me. My worst nightmare has come true!
Zack: You found out ALF was a puppet?
Screech: He is?!

Mr. Bennett: This is Chemistry class, not Love Connection. If you don't finish your experiment, I'll have to experiment with your grades.

Pinned to the Mat [1.9]

Kelly: I'm kinda thinking about being a housewife, or an actress. Do you think I'll be a good actress Zack?
Zack: Well fantastic! Every night you star in my dreams!

Screech: Will you go to the prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I'll go.
Screech: YOU WILL??
Lisa: I'll go with you when worms have ears!
Screech: You're weakening.

Needik: Where's Slater?
Screech: I killed him! I wanted first crack at you!

Slater: Screech, what are you doing?
Screech: Cruising for chicks.
Slater: In the boys' locker room?

Beauty and the Screech [1.10]

Zack: I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.

Mr. Belding: Screech you can't elope!
Screech: Who are you calling cantaloupe you melon head?

Kelly: Okay, so when do we start?
Screech: Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF.

The Friendship Business [1.11]

Max: How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?

The Mamas and the Papas [1.12]

Zack: So I can watch The Young and the Restless.
Jessie: It's more the Blonde and the Useless.

Screech: You homewrecker stay away from my mommy!
Slater: She's not your mommy!
Screech: Is that true, daddy?
Zack: I'm not your daddy!
Screech: I'm an orphan.

Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

Lisa: Lisa no en casa.
Screech: I love it when you speak German!

The Election [1.13]

Mr. Dewey: You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at.

Lisa: On behave of the new student body president: Jessica Myrtle Spano!
Class: Myrtle???

Jessie: I'm interested in the student body.
Zack: I'm interested in a student body... (looks at Kelly) Hers.

Jessie (on Zack's propaganda video): That made a mocracy of demockery!

Lisa (on Jessie's campaign for school president): I'm going to tell you this as gently as I can - you're going down the toilet.

The Zack Tapes [1.14]

(reciting a subliminal message from a tape)

Kelly: He is the kind of boy every girl dreams of.
Kelly and Jessie: Great Looking, smart and funny. Yes, that's Zack Morris.

Zack (on tape): Zack Morris is a ten.
Kelly: Ha! Two fives is more like it!
Lisa (subliminally tricked into falling for Screech): I'm stuck with three and seven left.

King of the Hill [1.15]

Mr. Belding: [while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.
Zack: [Observes Belding's sweater] So you're gonna be "Mr. Rogers"?
Mr. Belding: You're in the neighborhood.

Zack: Alright, maybe the first day didn't turn out as I planned, but hey I'm just warming up. I love school. Too bad classes get in the way.

Mr. Dewey: O.K. settle down everyone, I'm Mr. Dewey how was everyone's summer, mine stunk let's get started.

Zack: We weren't arguing.
Slater: We were doing a math problem, how two and one won't go.
Mr. Dewey: I don't believe it and I don't care, I'm tired, I have a toothache and I have to go home and pump iron.

Zack: Hi, you're new here. I'm Zack Morris.
Slater: And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?

Save That Tiger [1.16]

Mr. Belding: I didn't start it, you started when you planted poison ivy on our football field.
Mr. Stingwell: That was kind of rash, wasn't it?

[Mr. Belding sits in the chair with the whoopie cushion.] Cushion: AAAOOOOOGGGAAAAAHHH! Mr. Stingwell: My, my, Richard, noisy panties! What are you wearing, Toot of the Looms?

Season Two

The Prom [2.1]

Zack: Every time I call her she's washing her hair! Who washes their hair six times a day?
Slater: You do!

Mr. Belding: Now Zack, I know that you and Lisa are in charge of decorations, but this year's theme is not going to be (holds up a banner) Zack and Kelly's Prom!

Jessie: I think it's reverse macho pigism and I don't like it.

Kelly: (sadly) This is the first time I ever lied to my father.

Screech: Forget going to the prom! We're through!
Lisa: Wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me. I'M supposed to dump YOU!

Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.

Zack's War [2.2]

Lisa: 9 seconds? I can't even get to the bottom of my purse in 9 seconds!

[Zack and Mr. Belding are facing each other in a US Gladiators-style duel]

Mr. Belding: I've been waiting for this a long time, Morris. This is for you, and your sweet little girlfriend Kelly.
Lt. Chet: Go!
Zack: Oh, hi Mrs. Belding!
Mr. Belding: My wife's here? [Zack knocks Belding off] Oooph!

Lisa: By the way, are you married?
Lt. Chet: By the way, yes.
Lisa: By the way, adios!

Save the Max [2.3]

Slater: Let's look at the old scoreboard... I mean... hey... it's not THAT old.

Nerd #1: [after hearing Slater on the air] Boy, that guy stinks.
Nerd #2: Yeah, somebody should wave a skunk in front of him.

Driver's Education [2.4]

Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope your dad had "dork" insurance.

Mr. Tuttle (after Zack has been caught and forced to reveal his scheme): Wow! Good plan!

Slater: I was in the seat, I'll take the heat.

Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, what is the first thing we do when we get behind the wheel?
Lisa: Adjust the mirrors.
Mr. Tuttle: Correct. And for what purpose?
Lisa: To check my make-up.
Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, I suggest you study harder, or start practicing how to say "taxi!"

House Party [2.5]

Maxwell: Here's a buck babe, just for being beautiful.
Jessie: Here's a dirty look just for being alive.

Slater (assuring Jessie what will happen to her on her date with a geek): Once you go geek, you never go back!

Blind Dates [2.6]

Mr. Belding: Penny will meet you at the mall at seven.
Zack: Why at the mall?
Mr. Belding: Because I don't want you to know where I live.
Zack: That's understandable, sir.

Mr. Belding: Another afternoon in detention, number nine in the series...
Zack: No, I think that's number eight.
Mr. Belding: No, number eight was when you sold the school to the Japanese.
Zack: Ahh...What was wrong with Honda High School?

Jessie: Is it me or is it hot in here?
Lisa: (in disgust) It's you!

Screech: Do I look that desperate for a date? (looks into mirror, then back at Zack) What time do I pick her up?

Penny: Zack is so hot, he makes my teeth sweat!

Zack: What's with the wig?
Screech: Oh, do you like it? It gives me that extra bit of...Zackosity.
Zack: I'm gonna kick your Zackosity if you don't take Penny and get lost!

Miscellaneous Episodes

Ms. Simpson: To be or not to be. That is the question. Who said that?
Zack: You just did, Ma'am
Ms. Simpson: Right! Hamlet.

Alma Mater: "Bayside is the school that's cool and you know that it's true. The girls are the cutest and the guys are the hippest too. Ooh ooh ooh."

Zach to Mr. Belding after he gave him some 'candy' . "The crunchy part's the thorax."

Mr. Belding: Hey, hey, hey. *What* is going *on* here?

Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.

Zack: You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school, once you graduate you don't have to come back.

Slater: What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.
Zack: Slater, face it. It's over.

Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.

Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.
Kelly: You sound like you're on 'Thirtysomething.'

Lisa: Yeah, 'I have all these problems and there's no-one ever there for me. I talk and talk and talk but no-one ever listens.'

Slater: Wow, Lisa, I just saw you on US Gladiators. Wow, you beat up everybody, including the audience.
Lisa: Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.

Jessie: If any of you sweeties dares bid on my Slater I'll hunt you down in the street like a rabid dog.

Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

Lisa: Girl, if I were Leslie I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.

Kelly: Who are you?
Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

Screech: Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?

Mr. Belding: Class, this is my brother... Rod Belding.
Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.

Screech: [to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember... [makes quack sounds]
Screech: [to Zack] I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Zack: And you're screwy.

Jessie: Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.
Slater: Sure, you cook and I'll eat.

[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, Screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.

Mr. Belding: Zack, just because you always park your car in that same spot, does not mean it's official.
Zack: Then make it official, just like my seat in detention.

Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink oink, baby.

Slater: You are a very strange person.
Screech: [flattered] Well, thanks for noticing.

[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]
Jessie: You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?
Slater: Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.
[whispers in Zack's ear]
Slater: Next time, bring ME.

Zack: Mr. Belding... quick, you gotta help me. My life is being threatened by one of your students.
Mr. Belding: Just one? You're losing your touch.

[Jessie and Slater are at war with each other]
Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - I mean, Slater...

Slater: Ok, Preppie. While you're here rehearsing, Kelly and I are going to the beach.
Zack: Kelly, this news disappoints me deeply. I thought you and I could go over some more lines from "Romeo and Juliet".
Kelly: Oh that's a good idea, Zack. Sorry, Slater.
Slater: What? I don't believe this. You'd rather study than go to the beach?
Zack: Parting is such sweet sorrow... chump.

Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.

Slater: What's the matter, Dad?
Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. C U, A.C.
Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.

Becky Belding: Why don't you get me ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
Screech: Ah, that's my favorite combination too.

Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe you're pregnant.
Screech: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lisa. I'm not even married.

Mr. Belding: Go to class, learn something.

Screech: Hey, ya know what, Slater? With this microscope, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rain Forest.
Slater: If you don't get that thing out of my face, I'm gonna have the Natives come out and eat you.

[the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before they decide to sing]
Screech: You hooligans. You demolished my song.
Lisa: No we didn't, Screech. It still says "Bayside".
Slater: Yeah, and we even left the words you put in: "it", "and", "the", "Bayside".
Screech: Oh... well in that case, it's ok then.

Zack: Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.
Lisa: Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.

Kelly: Jessie, let's go to the lost and found.
Jessie: Why?
Kelly: Because you've lost it.

Zack: Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.
Slater: Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.

Jessie: Do you realize we haven't argued for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.

Mr. Belding: Zack, I am not a matador so take the bull outside.

[Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]
Zack: I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.
Screech: That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.

Kelly: [talking about Slater's dancing] Wow Slater, that was hot!
Zack: Ha ha. Are you kidding? I moved better last summer when a bee flew in my shorts.

Louise: Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?
Lisa: Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.

Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for Oat Bran.

Lisa: What's wrong Kelly?
Kelly: Men, especially Zack Morris.
Slater: Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.

Zack: This week is our geometry midterm. Hey, I'm not worried, I always sit next to smart nerds.

Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

Mr. Dewey: [telling grades for a quiz] Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.
Jessie: C, C?
Mr Dewey: Sí, señorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

[after Jessie storms off in a fit, a group of students are looking at her]

Kelly: She's my friend... but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.

Slater: [Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.
Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry!

Jessie: [crying in Zack's arms] I'm so excited... I'm so excited... [sobbing] ... I'm so... scared.

[Kelly has just stormed away from Zack]

Screech: I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.

Lisa: Screech, stop and smell the roses.
Screech: Oh, I smelled the roses once and a bee flew up my nose!

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