Scrubs (TV series)

From Quotes
There's night and day, brother, both sweet things; sun, moon, and stars, brother, all sweet things; there's likewise a wind on the heath. Life is very sweet, brother; who would wish to die?
George Borrow
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Scrubs is a comedy television series that premiered in 2001 on NBC. It was created by Bill Lawrence, who also co-created Spin City.


Contents

Season 1

My First Day [1.01]

Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [leaning down and whispering] Eisenhower... was a sissy.
[Dr. Cox recoils and puts up a guard. Nothing happens]
Dr. Cox: [to J.D.] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay.

J.D.: I'm, uh, I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: Door's broke. Fifth time or so it won't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know...
Janitor: D'you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, no, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm takin' you down.

My Mentor [1.02]

Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing; and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie. You know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a three-dollar six-pack of light beer? It turns out, you can't save people from themselves, newbie. We just treat 'em. You treat that kid with a respiratory problem, and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too.
J.D.: [sarcastic] Well, thanks for the pick-me-up!
Dr. Cox: Hey! Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is that if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well... you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now... come here and gimme a hug. [J.D. hesitates to move.] It's okay. Come here, come here. [J.D. approaches him.] Aw, get outta here! And take this piss-water with you. [He shoves the six-pack into J.D.'s hands.] It's embarrassing to have it here.
Cox's Buddy: I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: Eh! [taking the beer back] I'll take the beer. You beat it.

My Best Friend's Mistake [1.03]

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that -- well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.

Dr. Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy. I've - had - enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot: So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [confused] You're welcome.

My Old Lady [1.04]

J.D.: I'm... I'm... I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should-we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.

Mrs. Tanner: Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime.
J.D.: No they don't.

My Two Dads [1.05]

J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is, there's more to healing than what's in the books. I talk to my patients, I-I sing to them... ask them what their hobbies are and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain.

Dr. Cox: What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?

My Bad [1.06]

J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges!

J.D. [narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D. [narration] It felt good.

My Super Ego [1.07]

J.D.: So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in sometime.

Elliot: You know I kinda had a date last night?
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: ...You slut.

My Fifteen Minutes [1.08]

J.D.: [as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.

My Day Off [1.09]

Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

J.D.: I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside of you.

My Nickname [1.10]

Janitor: Your new nickname is Scooter.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [thinking] Ya big jerk.

Dr. Cox: [To annoying patient] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and badaow, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now.

My Own Personal Jesus [1.11]

J.D. [narration] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything!
J.D.: Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

J.D.: [holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?
Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that - trying to add a little cheer.
J.D.: I was just trying to -
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]
J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.

My Blind Date [1.12]

Alex: Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?
J.D.: More chunky than fat.

J.D.: :[narrating] I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.

My Balancing Act [1.13]

Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Elliot : Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you: stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.

My Drug Buddy [1.14]

J.D.: [about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?

Dr. Cox: Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
Elliot pulls her hair out of her face.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
He grabs J.D. by the shoulders.
Dr. Cox: [affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, Sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school--- Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face.
J.D.: They don't.

My Bed Banter & Beyond [1.15]

Dr. Cox: [to the psychologist] Relationships? Well, Sigmund. Relationships are so... fragile. It just takes one thing, one... tiny little offense, and it can snowball on ya. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you'd better tuck and go, my friend.

Dr. Cox: Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

My Heavy Meddle [1.16]

Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Girl problems.

J.D.: [To Dr. Cox just entering the hospital] Dr. Cox, I was wondering...
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-Cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [Thinking] Yup, a great place to heal.

My Student [1.17]

J.D.: [thinking] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I-I-I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

My Tuscaloosa Heart [1.18]

Carla: Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
J.D.: Frank used to be a Navy SEAL.

J.D.: I guess I just feel like I neglected him cause he was a bad guy...and that neglect killed him.
Carla: Yeah, could have been the neglect. Could have been the terminal cancer.

My Old Man [1.19]

[J.D. and Dr. Cox in patient's room talking]
J.D.: [Has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.] That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
J.D.: The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
J.D.: [To patient who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.

[J.D. and his dad talking]
Mr. Dorian: Pull my finger.
J.D.: Dad I really don't want to-
Mr. Dorian: Pull my finger, see what happens.
[J.D. pulls his finger]
Mr. Dorian: I pooed a little.

My Way or the Highway [1.20]

Nurse: Oh, it's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Nurse: Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: [as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!

Carla: He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.

My Sacrificial Clam [1.21]

Dr. Cox: You're a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it.

My Occurrence [1.22]

Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well admittedly that made it hard -- ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."

[Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.]
J.D.: What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
Ben: What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]
J.D.: Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Oh it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
[J.D. faints]

My Hero [1.23]

J.D.: I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly its because well... I told you I was afraid earlier today. So please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate something I've already said. I already know the things I've said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and newbie? Please don't think you've come here because Ben needs me. You're here because you're scared to death that you may have to rely on yourself for the first time ever. And that... that is the saddest thing of all.

My Last Day [1.24]

Jordan: Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.

Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

Season 2

My Overkill [2.01]

[J.D. wakes up next to Turk]
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [makes hand gesture] lock in.
Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]
J.D.: Ready to go?

The Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. [pointing to nurses] Yes, yes, no, yes, yes, no, and yes if I've been drinking.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
The Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
The Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're fiesty!

My Nightingale [2.02]

My Case Study [2.03]

My Big Mouth [2.04]

Janitor: [eating soup with a fork] Fork! Me can't eat soup! Rawrr!
J.D.: I didn't mean to call you stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.
[notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe]
J.D.: You know, my-my uncle was a joer.

Elliot: [Talking to patient] It's like being blind in one eye, except you'll be blind in both.

My New Coat [2.05]

Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who... who would want to?

J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down-
Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!

My Big Brother [2.06]

Dan: So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
[Elliot takes a sip]
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty. [aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

My First Step [2.07]

Julie Keaton: Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects--only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: [smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!

My Fruit Cups [2.08]

Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, that cute intern in radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!

J.D.: [to the Janitor after he asks him if he's been stealing pudding and toilet paper] I don't even like pudding, and I don't use toilet paper. [pauses] I have one of those french things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

My Lucky Day [2.09]

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, I thought you ought to know that I did everything for my patient that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I hope so, otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch.

Elliot: (to a patient who's suing her) I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
Patient: Good for you.
Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?
Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.

My Monster [2.10]

Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you--
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: --you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
J.D.: I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".

My Sex Buddy [2.11]

J.D.: [Thinking] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...
Elliot : We can be sex buddies...
J.D. : [hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.

My New Old Friend [2.12]

J.D: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the door!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D: Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the door!

J.D. [narration]: Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

My Philosophy [2.13]

Turk: Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
[Carla comes in]
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing; guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.

My Brother, My Keeper [2.14]

His Story [2.15]

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Elliot: I'm dating a Murse!
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mectretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.

My Karma [2.16]

Jordan: I'm going home.
Dr. Cox: No, no, you're not.
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.

Dr. Cox: The thing is, this time, I am killing myself for this woman and I am still gettin my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.

My Own Private Practice Guy [2.17]

[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: That's my son.
Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
Janitor: [to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.

The Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head.

My T.C.W. [2.18]

J.D. : I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

J.D. : And you! Y-you know what, let's just - let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

My Kingdom [2.19]

Elliot: [walking up to Doctor Cox, who is experiencing difficulties with an outdated, broken computer] Doctor Cox—
Dr. Cox: [angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder—
Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but real nice going on the self esteem.
Paul: Hey big guy, how about you back off the lady, and we'll all agree that you're real scary.
Dr. Cox: Flowers, if you're gonna fight everyone who yells at Barbie, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.

Dr. Cox: [referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Laverne : You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox : Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

My Interpretation [2.20]

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor.: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Janitor: [dumbfounded]
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

J.D.: [Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.
Janitor: 'Bout nine, nine and a half...

My Drama Queen [2.21]

Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, Denise, thank you for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are.

Dr. Cox: You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

My Dream Job [2.22]

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

[J.D and Cox witness Kelso berating Elliot]
J.D.: If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
[Cox walks up to and punches Kelso]
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: [stunned] ...Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.

Season 3

My Own American Girl [3.01]

Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah.... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.

Head of Radiology: These are my machines!
Carla: Sir-
Head of Radiology: MY MACHINES!
Turk: Whose machines?
Head of Radiology: MY MACHINES!
J.D.: [to Turk] How was that helpful?

My Journey [3.02]

Elliot: [Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.
J.D.: [drifts off]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

My White Whale [3.03]

Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

J.D.: Hey, Carla, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're-[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

My Lucky Night [3.04]

Dr. Cox: [To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
Dr. Steadman: [To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

My Brother Where Art Thou? [3.05]

J.D.: Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dan: No, you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace -- sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' -- I'm telling you -- take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me. It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
[He holds out his hand. Dr. Cox shakes it, understandably.]
Dr. Cox: Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

My Advice To You [3.06]

[J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan]
Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?
[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me.

Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know?
J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?
Danni: Danni.
J.D.: J.D.
Danni: Hi.
J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.
Danni: Did that work?
J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.

My Fifteen Seconds [3.07]

Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...
Jordan: Guilt.
Dr. Cox: No, not that.
J.D.: Guilt?
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
[Jordan rolls her eyes]
Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.

My Friend the Doctor [3.08]

Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is — is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox: Do you...do you think that my son will like me?
Carla: Oh, God no.

My Dirty Secret [3.09]

Elliot: Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: It does look a little sad. They always do.

Jordan: [kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

My Rule of Thumb [3.10]

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: [sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.

Dr. Kelso: Hey champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to self with thumbs] Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?

My Clean Break [3.11]

Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet - while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.

Dr. Cox: As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.
Doug: [taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?
J.D.: [whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.
[Doug raises his hand]
Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?
Doug: What's "up Doc"?

My Catalyst [3.12]

My Porcelain God [3.13]

My Screw Up [3.14]

Dr. Cox: I missed the hell out of you. I really did.
Ben Sullivan: Thanks, Per. I missed you, too.
[They move in to kiss, but Dr. Cox pulls back at the last second]
Ben Sullivan: Yes! I am the KING of gay chicken!

Ted: Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.
Kelso: Go on.
Ted: It concerns me...?
Kelso: Swing and a miss.

My Tormented Mentor [3.15]

My Butterfly [3.16]

Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.

My Moment of Un-Truth [3.17]

Sam: You know the nurse that does the sponge baths, I wouldn't be shocked if she's killed before. Hey Sunshine!
Nurse Roberts: Why don't you just calm your ass down. You was barely bleeding.
Sam: From a bath woman!

Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went M.I.A.
Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.

His Story II [3.18]

J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.

Carla: Christopher!
Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: ...Sometimes.

My Choosiest Choice of All [3.19]

Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

Dr. Cox: [To God] Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya? I'm onto you, Big Man!

My Fault [3.20]

Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]
Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

My Self-Examination [3.21]

My Best Friend's Wedding [3.22]

Dr. Kelso: [Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: [Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get a Scotch?

Elliot: I'm so sorry I ripped off your sister's eyebrow.
Carla: It's ok. This morning she had the nerve to say she was going to look prettier than me.
Elliot: Not anymore!

Season 4

My Old Friend's New Friend [4.01]

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you want me give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.

Dr. Cox: Dear God, Felicia, you don't think I'm actually done teaching you, do you? Don't you realize the only difference is that now when you come to work and start killing people no one will be able to say "It's okay, he's just a resident"? What they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass, and when that finger of blame points at me, you had damn sure better hope I'm in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. By the way, don't be late tomorrow... Doctor.

My Office [4.02]

J.D.: [upon being told by Dr. Cox that Elliot has been appointed chief resident]: I do have three questions, though. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love, who's going to tell my mom, and what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
J.D.: So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.

Dr. Kelso: So what do you think?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.

My New Game [4.03]

Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?

My First Kill [4.04]

J.D: [Narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
New Doctor: [Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D: Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.

[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]
Turk: Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Elliot: Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Todd: Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
Cox: No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

Her Story [4.05]

J.D.: [Narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.
[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. McCullum: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

[J.D. has just regained his residents' respect]
J.D.: Lonnie, slap your face!
[Lonnie does so]
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
[All the residents slap their own faces]
J.D.: Awesome.

My Cake [4.06]

Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: ...Dad died.
J.D.: ...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

My Common Enemy [4.07]

Molly: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: [Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!
[She leaves; J.D. walks down the hallway toward Cox]
Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong. Uhhh.
[J.D. turns around and flees]

Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!

My Last Chance [4.08]

Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
J.D.: [to himself] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: [to himself] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow. [kisses JD]

J.D.'s Narration: I guess the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.

My Malpractical Decision [4.09]

J.D.: [to himself] Wait is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena Broderick: [laughs] That's really funny.
J.D.: [to himself] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead.
J.D.: [greeting a patient] Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.
Dr. Cox: And you're done.

My Female Trouble [4.10]

Neena Broderick: So should we start this deposition or do you boys want to just hand us a big bag of money?
Harvey Corman: Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't gonna freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted Buckland: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!

Dr. Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall and a bullseye on your back.

My Unicorn [4.11]

J.D.: That's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.

My Best Moment [4.12]

Elliot: Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.

Dr. Cox: Carla, have you seen Newbie?
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls but man you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.

My Ocardial Infarction [4.13]

J.D.: Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!

Dr. Cox: Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A JOURNEYMAN ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]
J.D.: You were a close second!

My Lucky Charm [4.14]

Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Perry is no longer there.] Sweetie?
[Cut to Cox running around a busy street.]
Dr. Cox: SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!

Turk: [as a leprechaun] Top o' the mizzle to ya, me nizzles!

My Hypocritical Oath [4.15]

Kylie: I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.
J.D.: I love politics, ask me anything. [voiceover] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.

[Turk is sitting on a counter, waiting for Carla and holding her purse.]
Dr. Kelso: What in the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.

My Quarantine [4.16]

Danni: Hey, grouchy pants! Do you wanna hang out?
Dr. Cox: Does "hang out" mean choke you?

Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

My Life in Four Cameras [4.17]

Turk: [After defeating Carla in arm wrestling] DO YOU SEE, CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.

My Roommates [4.18]

J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Ron: So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.

My Best Laid Plans [4.19]

J.D.: Kylie and I still hadn't slept together, but I had a feeling her four-week booty embargo was about to end.
Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight; wait right here.
J.D.: [to himself] God I hope it's sex! Or a pony... but I'll bet it's sex because I don't see a pony...

Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
J.D.: [to himself] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!

My Boss's Free Haircut [4.20]

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.

[After Dr. Cox has given Kelso a reassuring speech]
Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass there, Bob.

My Lips Are Sealed [4.21]

Turk: Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it.

J.D.: [having espresso with bikers] Sorry about your hogs, boys. Enjoy the free espressos.
[One biker drinks the whole cup at once]
J.D.: Warlord, I told you to sip it. [Warlord looks like he's about to trash the place] Use your words, Warlord.
Warlord: Warlord... burn mouth.
J.D.: Yes he did, cause he didn't listen. Napkin on your lap, Satan's Valet.

My Big Move [4.22]

Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: [pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Dr. Cox: Oh God - this is gonna kill me.

Elliot: How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?

My Faith In Humanity [4.23]

My Drive-By [4.24]

Jake: [to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Yeah, huh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

My Changing Ways [4.25]

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.

Season 5

My Intern's Eyes [5.01]

J.D.: Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.

J.D.: Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."

My Rite of Passage [5.02]

[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]
J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna' go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox.
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!

My Day at the Races [5.03]

Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover]: King me!

J.D.: Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.

My Jiggly Ball [5.04]

Dr. Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.--
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave Ya by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: Aaand we're back.

[J.D.'s hand is moving]
J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.

My New God [5.05]

J.D.: She's dynamite - how'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.

Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.

My Missed Perception [5.06]

My Way Home [5.07]

Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted, but trust me, it hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh, really? Because you never went to assface school but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right? [Holds up hand for high-five]
J.D.: [Running up] Here's some! [High-fives Elliot]
Dr. Cox: You're going to high-five that? Bi-HIG mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving! I gotta stop doing that!
Elliot: [Smelling J.D.'s breath] Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No. [Thinking] I shmeared it on a bagel.

Dr. Cox: Look at me and Jordan. Y'know how we hate everyone? Well, that goes double for children. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them... They're like tiny cab drivers.

My Big Bird [5.08]

Ted: Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.

[Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.]
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
Elliot: [to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
J.D. and Turk: [looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.
Carla: [to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...

My Half-Acre [5.09]

[J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece]
J.D.: [Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.

J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. It said "Bone City."
J.D.: [acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Her Story II [5.10]

Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
[Billy Dee Williams enters]
Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: [momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
[Hugs Williams]
Williams: [Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.

Dr. Cox: Weeellll, look what we have here, it's a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young...
Julie: [Cheerfully] Morning!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older...
Elliot: [hung over] Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still...
Carla: [Face resting on hands, mumbles incoherently]
Dr. Cox: And last, [motioning to Jordan, sitting with arms crossed wearing dark sunglasses] the very, very, very old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness. [shaking her] Jordaroo! Jordalicious! Jordaronie! Uh-huh.
J.D.: We'll get you ladies some more coffee. Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it, just sit there frozen.
[Jordan does not move. J.D. takes some money from the table in front of her]
J.D.: How very generous.

My Buddy's Booty [5.11]

Elliot: J.D. I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

My Cabbage [5.12]

Cabbage: Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?
J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
Cabbage: It's an honor to see you work, sir.
J.D.: [absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...

My Five Stages [5.13]

Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

My Own Personal Hell [5.14]

J.D.: [to Turk over walkie-talkies] Brown bear, are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How did you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: Hahaha. That's true!
Dr. Cox: [in the background] It's not at all weird that you know that.

Obnoxious Patient: You remind me of my bulldog.
Dr. Cox: As a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

My Extra Mile [5.15]

J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.

My Bright Idea [5.16]

My Chopped Liver [5.17]

[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: [sarcastic] Actually, I love Cox.
The Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!
The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Jordan: [to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.

My New Suit [5.18]

Carla: I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more intested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it!
J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.

Dan Dorian: Life's actually pretty good: Mom let's me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?

His Story III [5.19]

Dr Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

My Lunch [5.20]

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
The Todd: People think I just luck into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.

Jill Tracy: I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
J.D.: It's not not sad.

My Fallen Idol [5.21]

Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [smiling] I'm dead inside!

[Jordan opens the door, carrying Jack in her arm, to see Carla standing on the other side.]
Carla: Hi. So how is he doing?
Jordan: He's not talking, and he's, y'know... [mimes drinking]
Carla: What?
Jack: Daddy drinks a lot.
Jordan: First complete sentence. Fantastic!

My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu [5.22]

Dr. Cox: Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?

Janitor: Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Yale for god's sake.
Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: ...How's therapy going?

My Urologist [5.23]

Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
Turk: [alarmed] Baby!
J.D.: [to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

My Transition [5.24]

Elliot: Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.
Keith: Cab driver feet?

Carla: I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For instance, I've never been hornier, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Turk: Baby, if it's that important to you, I'll just suck it up, close my eyes tight, and do you.
Carla: Thanks for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.

Season 6

My Mirror Image [6.01]

Janitor: This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show old glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime? Run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof. Catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her watertight. I could take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: No. I'm a pirate.

[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]
Elliot: Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Beardface: It's BeardFACĖ, DAMMIT!

My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby [6.02]

Jesus figurine: No abortions!
J.D.: What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?
Jesus figurine: Oh, in that case it would be OK.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus figurine: NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!

Jordan: Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
Dr. Kelso: [While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.
Dr. Cox: You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]
Jordan: [is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...

My Coffee [6.03]

Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?
J.D.: It may have already come up.

Elliot: I'm gonna go hold the crap outta that baby!

My House [6.04]

J.D.: [voiceover] The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
Dr. Hedrick: Need help, old friend?
J.D.: Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!

J.D.: I can't believe you can get heart failure from being sad. How do you treat that?
[Cut to fantasy; a man is flatlining.]
J.D.: This man is coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!
[J.D. tips the kittens over the man, who comes back to life and smiles.]
J.D. Side effects of kittens include sneezing, small scratches and erectile dysfunction.
[Cut back from fantasy.]
J.D.: Wouldn't I be a great spokesman for things?

My Friend With Money [6.05]

Dr. Cox: [After Elliot turns a patient over to him.] You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.
Elliot: [Stares]
Dr. Cox: I just discovered texting. I'm a little late, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-T-M-M-W-number two-D.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass That Makes Me Want To... Die.

[Keith is dressed in a one-piece wrestling outfit]
J.D.: Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?

My Musical [6.06]

Elliot: I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "no, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

J.D.: You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Turk: Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

His Story IV [6.07]

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: [excitedly] Debbie is actually my name!
Dr. Kelso: Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Pvt. Dancer: Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.
Dr. Kelso: That's morphine.
Pvt. Dancer: That explains it.

My Road to Nowhere [6.08]

Dr. Cox: You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".

Dr. Cox: Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!
Turk: Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?
[Jack runs up to Dr. Cox]
Jack: Man check!
[Jack punches Dr. Cox in the crotch and he falls to the floor in pain]
Jordan: Good boy, Jack, good boy!
Turk: He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
J.D.: Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

My Perspective [6.09]

Dr. Kelso: My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
J.D.: Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted: Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

Elliot: You have to help J.D.
Dr. Cox: Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say...no.

My Therapeutic Month [6.10]

Carla: Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.
Turk: Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.
Carla: No, you got him a present yesterday.

Pvt. Dancer: [about his physical therapist] Why don't you just ask her out?
J.D.: Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.

My Night To Remember [6.11]

J.D.: [voiceover] There have certainly been a lot of odd moments around here. And for some reason whenever I think about them, The Fray is always playing.
[Cut to scene where Elliot is looking at old, naked male patient and "How to Save a Life" is playing.]
J.D.: Not that Fray song!

J.D.: You guys should day dream more often. It's easy, all you have to do is tilt your head to the left and let your mind run free like an eagle!

My Fishbowl [6.12]

Dr. Cox: I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.
J.D.: "Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."

Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."
Dr. Cox: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
J.D.: Is he the black golfer?

My Scrubs [6.13]

Man: Hey Grandpa, a little help.
Dr. Kelso: Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

Elliot: People change: I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Ramón. He used to say "I hate apple sauce, it destroys the integrity of la manzana"; manzana is Spanish for apple. Anyway... last time I was home I asked how Ramón was doing: he's vice president of Mott's Applesauce. It's true, Ramón Delgado, look him up on the internet.
Dr. Cox: I will.
Elliot: Don't, I made it up.

My No Good Reason [6.14]

Ted: [About Heather] I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.

Dr. Cox: Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
Dr. Cox: But, when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan: Well, that's not my problem!

My Long Goodbye [6.15]

Turk: [indicating Doctor Cox's shaved head] You know, that look only works for black guys.
Dr. Cox: Then why the hell are you sportin' it?

Dr. Cox: I am not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.
J.D..: But you just told Jordan that you're gonna...
Dr Cox: Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or, when you're married, communication.

My Words of Wisdom [6.16]

Lonnie: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Kelso: You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.
[Lonnie knocks]
Dr. Cox: [pantomimes opening a window] What?
Lonnie: [looking down at Dr. Cox] I need help with a patient.
Dr. Cox: Twenty minutes.
Lonnie: [begins to walk away, turns around] Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?

Turk: How do you know sign language?
Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.
The Todd: Join the club, playa.
Janitor: Get away.
The Todd: [shrugs] Okay. [leaves]
Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.

Their Story [6.17]

Jordan: Look Elliot, I'm a woman in her very, very, very late thirties who has problems opening herself up to love. I hate being vulnerable. I still play mind games. Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate sometimes I fake not having orgasms.

J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.
[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]
The Todd: [Thinking] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
The Todd: That's helpful.

My Turf War [6.18]

Melody: Of course, we could make out.
[J.D. looks at her, surprised]
Melody: Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.

My Cold Shower [6.19]

[Keith has just proposed to Elliot]
J.D.: [voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something... [aloud] It should have been me.

My Conventional Wisdom [6.20]

J.D.: Were you ever planning on telling me?
Kim: Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
J.D.: How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."

Janitor: Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Everyone: [unison approval]
Janitor: [suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!

My Rabbit [6.21]

Turk: Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you've procreated.

Dr. Cox: I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.

My Point of No Return [6.22]

Turk: Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well-
Ted: My mom calls me Thunder.
Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.
Ted: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!

[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]
Jordan: Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this.
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come. [Picks Jack up and leaves]

Season 7

My Own Worst Enemy [7.01]

J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr. Cox: What question?

[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]
Dr. Cox: [noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
Turk: [calling] What to do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
Dr. Kelso: HA! Dr. Face!

My Hard Labor [7.02]

J.D.: My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.

My Inconvenient Truth [7.03]

My Identity Crisis [7.04]

Jordan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Cox: Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan: I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Dr. Cox: Ah, the restraining order.
Jordan: [smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...

J.D.: [In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Janitor: Yep, that's how it starts.
J.D.: [Angrily, to random intern] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice!

My Growing Pains [7.05]

Ted: Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.

My Number One Doctor [7.06]

Janitor: [to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Kelso: Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Carla: Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
Janitor: No, I'm...
Lady: Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank god.

My Bad Too [7.07]

My Manhood [7.08]

[The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room]
Elliot: [reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
. . .
Kelso: Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.
J.D.: Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
J.D.: [v.o.] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
Nurse: You sure told him.
J.D.: Thanks, Herpes.

My Dumb Luck [7.09]

Ted: [seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.

Carla: We want you to reconsider helping Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Can I get a "hell, no" from any random doctor?
Josephine: [off-camera] Hell, no!
Dr. Cox: Thank you, whomever.

My Waste of Time [7.10]

My Princess [7.11]

Dr. Cox: [as the Knight] My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

Dr. Cox: [narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.

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