Sealab 2021

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It is vanity to desire a long life and to take no heed of a good life.
Thomas γ Kempis
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Sealab 2021 is a comedic re-imaging of the 1972 cartoon Sealab 2020.

Captain Hazel "Hank" Murphy

  • "The what?"
  • "God, you're crushing my spine!"
  • "Holy crap! Did you see that freaking chopper explode?"
  • "And there go my nipples again!"
  • "I mean, it's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!"
  • "This is Chopper Dave's made for TV movie, Blades Of Vengeance. See, he's a chopper pilot by day, but by night he fights crime as a werewolf... YEAH!"
  • "I dub thee, Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass. Be a hitter babe."
  • "Your quest is to find Quinn's ass...and then beat it."
  • "Not now Monster Hesh, I'm on the phone!"
  • "'Vengeance is Mine', quoth Alvis. And then he shot the guy, right in the freaking face!"
  • "Look, shamans wouldn't ride buffalo a jillion miles to see that piece of crap comet!"
  • [talking in a cockney Michael Caine accent] "Goodnight, you princes of Sealab. You kings o' the ocean. People're always asking me: What's it all about, Alfie?"
  • "Flashlights, there can be only none!"
  • "It's not a toy, it makes real cupcakes with a 40-watt bulb. And it has icing packets... but the secret ingredient is love... dammit."
  • "Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?"
  • "He killed for your sins."
  • "Clean out your ears, woman... I said I want some BALLS!"
  • "How do you like them apples, ho-bag? And how do you like those very same apples, Eggars!?"
  • "Pod Six is jerks!"
  • "Punch it, ho-bag!"
  • "Fignuts!"
  • "Nice try doppleganger. Save it for queen Dopplepopolis"
  • "You want the mustache on, or off?"
[Debbie] : "Off please."
"Too bad."
  • "It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt."
  • "Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't like greyhounds - too pointy."
  • "I hate the Bizarros".
  • "Everybody shut up! Now, where'd you get those cool hats?"
  • "I hate them all... except Turtleface."
  • "I hate the Groovies".
  • "I warned her."
  • "I warned him."
  • "Not me! I'm gonna be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot".
  • "Quinn, if you don't want me to eat you..... say something."
(Quinn has died of a heart attack)
  • "Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help."
  • "That, my sick little non-friend, is the cold stale breath of the reaper, blowing down your neck."
  • "Well, cram a penny in there!"
  • "Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice."
  • "I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!"
  • "You toof-stealing bastard!"
  • "Oh why don't you just shout down every idea I have? How about you call Bruce Springsteen and tell him to get another nickname since you're already the Boss! Huh? Yeah? Yeah!"
  • "Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?"
  • "Well, put some ass-bags on 'em, like in a parade!"
  • "He's probably teeming with plague juice."
  • "You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? We're going to be mommies!"
  • "Ah, yep, Mango Reinhart, the thinking man's pop!"
  • "As the history hitherto of class struggles and modern bourgeois society! Class antagonisms! Feudal something of opression! Serfdom! Bourgeoisie! Tottering feudal society! And victory for the proletariat!... That's you!"
  • "They say my methods are unsound... do you think my methods are unsound?"
  • "This one's called squishface and we're outta here!"
  • "Look, I'm just gonna lay my cards on the table, and maybe you'll think it sounds crazy... and who knows? Maybe I am crazy. But if this is crazy, babe, I don't wanna be sane! I'm in love with you, Wendy!
[Zoom out to reveal he is talking to a bucket on a mop]
  • "Does Cody glow by himself?"
  • "I am the opiate of the masses!"
  • "I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!"
  • "That is exact change Jerkface!"
  • "Bebop Cola... Good!"
  • "It's not a hootenany, it's an extravaganza!"
  • "You just bought yourself a ticket to pretzel town, buddy!"
  • "Hollow Graham [Murphy's pronunciation of hologram] ... Where are my car keys?"
  • "You're kidding, that guy's a robot monkey?"
  • [Quinn] "They [the Gloops] could have infectious diseases."
"I'm about to infect you with the back of my hand."
[Quinn, trying to interject] "But..."
"Back of the hand!"
  • "Good lord, are we under attack!?" [after finally noticing an emergency alarm while making casual conversation]
  • "We need to rehabilitate Phil... In the face!"
  • "Quinn, you're gonna get it! I'm gonna rehabilitate your ass up and down this f--"
  • "Whoah! I'd be totally hacked if Stimutacs weren't so..."
[Marco, doing situps while gripping the ceiling with his toes] "Outrageously chill?"
"Word! Hey Stormy! Float your ass over here and magic me up another wrench!"
  • "I hate Pod Six. I don't even know why we have a Pod Six. Total suck pod."

Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Diego Garcia Marquez

  • "I have the energy of a bear that has the energy of two bears!"
  • "Keep him away from the trailer. The network must never find out."
  • "The fly honeys like it!
  • "I don't see any method at all sir."
  • "Henchman walkin'!"
  • [singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells" while chopping up dolphins] "Dolphin meat, dolphin meat, nature's greatest treat. Oh what fun it is to eat that damn damn dolphin meat. Yeah!"
  • "Hey, can I have two robot penises?"
  • "I bet I could kill a guy with my toes."
  • "I don't need to read to be captain."
  • "Whale Cancer, 'Eff yeah!!!"

Jodene Sparks

  • "That tears it! How many times must I hear the word womb today?!??"
  • "Hey! Don't cuss in front of my pipe!"
  • "Selling pot... holders... made from hemp."
  • "Selling pot... that's it, just selling pot."
  • "I wonder if it's legal to sell this stuff to kids."
  • "Hey, hey, there's enough of the Loganater to go arou- The Loganator. Oh. Oh, that's too good. [pulls out tape recorder] Okay, Logan, aka me, futuristic super soldier goes back in time to keep arch enemy from, uh, preventing invention of the chair. [puts down recorder] I'm sorry, go ahead. Wait! [turns recorder back on] Also, he rescues a little boy. A litte... crippled boy.
  • "All I wanted was to make the world a better place...and make an assload of money."
  • "Whup, dart in yer neck!"
  • "Whup, dart in your ass!"
  • "Hey Debbie, I have something for you."
[Debbie] "What is it?"
"A book."
[Debbie] "What's the book?"
"A Modest Proposal."
[Debbie] "By whom?"
"Johnathon Swift."
[Debbie] "And what is the book about?"
Long pause "Eating babies..."
  • "It's like veal... only babies"
  • "Sparkamus Prime demands a hydraulic penis!"

Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn

  • "Quit being a bitch and pill me up"
  • "Why did I have to open my mouth?"
  • "My guy's an egg? How's that gonna blow my— OH SWEET GOD!"
  • "What I did was I took nature's most perfect killing machine and needlessly turned it into a robot."
  • "Shut your drunk ass up!"
  • "Could you all not argue over the PA?"
  • "And now we have to get tourists to come down here, to pay back the money you spent on a commercial, to get tourists to come down here, to pay back the money we didn't even owe, before you made this stupid commercial!"
  • "Robot bodies for everyone!"
  • "Look, affirmative action or not, you've gotta respect the chain of command!"
  • [Under Kommisar Murphy's communist regime] I had everything: Vodka...bread...Vodka-soaked bread..."
  • "What? Are you two years old? Hasn’t history proven that Marx’s vision of an egalitarian utopia is unattainable, inevitably creating an oligarchy more oppressive to the proletariat than the bourgeoisie it vilifies?"
  • "Bonus pretzel!"
  • "My eye! What did you do to my eye?!"
  • "My other eye! What did you do to my other eye?!"
  • "These are brand new eyes!"
  • [After Shanks battles the Kraken offscreen] "Anybody who didn't see that, oughtta just go kill themselves, right now!"
  • "I've got five PhDs, and I'm mopping. You don't hear me complaining."

Debbie Dupree

  • "I will not stand here and listen this this foul mouthed innuendo."
  • "Yeah, you just keep on being a little bitch."
  • "Well here's a fact for you, I'm sick and tired of my character being this sex-crazed uber-slut!"
  • "They're jigglin' for ya, baby!"
  • "Show them how serious we are."
  • "You're a bastard."
  • "Attention, attention. This is your captain. All male personnel report to the proto-feminist sensitivity seminar. That is all.

Derek "Stormy" Waters

  • "I said it's dodgeball time, bitch."
  • "I guess it's not so much a time machine, as it is a dodgeball cannon."
  • "Smoke that bitch"
  • "I am not Stormy, I am He who smokes Bitches!"
  • "Look at me! I'm like an otter. A sexy little otter."
  • "Look at me, I'm like a beaver! A hot little beaver!"
  • "Sweet crackers!"
  • "You told me you were saving yourself for marriage."
  • "Should my physical self feel created from untold millions of minute bubbles?"
  • "Hold it! If we light ourselves on fire, we can go anywhere!"
  • "You mean...there's a black Stormy?"
  • "Just make sure you fat little finks have your story straight!"
  • "I want an Indian name too!"
  • "Shut up, get in there! Shut up."
  • "Thanks, it's a Douche."
  • "You swear you didn't know? Oh MAN, crushed gonads were TOTALLY worth it!"
  • "I hurt real bad... where I pee"
  • "Something's real wrong... in my pants."
  • "You'd take a eunuch like me?"
  • "Take that subspace!"
  • "I'm a skeleton!"
  • "Don't go out there, that black chick's crazy!"
  • "Why don't you ask chubby Carol?"
  • "Bla...Debbie, do you like rap?"
  • "It all comes down to the fact that you people have far more fast twitch muscle fibers."
  • "Of course you're on her side! You're doing her!
  • "It is imperative that we be given preference over these mendicants, Marduk commands it."
  • "God speed dude."
  • "Can you feel it when I do this? No. Can you feel it when I do this?"
  • "Yearn not for earthly goods and pleasures. Cast off this taint, and become taintless."
  • "Captain, it is not the spoon you wish to bend, but rather the will of the spoon."
  • "Fahrvergnugen."
  • "So, if you need anyone to talk to ... or anyone to dry hump. I'm here for you."
  • "Hey Quinn, get more drinks!"
  • "You didn't even parley!"
  • "Fourth and fifth mixed!"
  • "We just call him fatty or blobbo."
  • "That stupid alphabet."
  • "Mardok desires not the barren wastelands of your dessicated viscera"
  • "Check out this bitchin' homemade tesla coil!"
  • "I must ingest more of the ovoid capsules."
  • "Sparks, I have total cognizance of every synapse in my cerebral cortex."
  • [Stormy is leaping up and down on a soda machine that is crushing Murphy] "Gimmie my change!"

Hesh Hepplewhite

  • "Yeearrrg... It burns with the power of shark"
  • "Hesh wants some sex."
  • "Hesh wants married sex!"
  • "I'm gettin ripped wide open c-section BABY!"
  • "He was probably looking for his balls"
  • "Look... the black one's the leader!"
  • Hesh: "Hesh will bite ANYTHING! He'll bite that, he'll bite this!"
[Hesh holds up a large wire.]
Marco: "Don't bite the main circuit, Hesh."
[Hesh does so and is electrocuted.]
Hesh: "Oh my God! It hurts bad!"
  • "Danger! Danger! Not safe inside, Hesh fears for life!"
  • "Hesh drank too much at the bachelor party last night..."
  • "Remember way back when I was smokin' crack, and you were workin' the corner, sellin' that ass, and I took that rusty pipe and gave your head that gash, then I took all your cash, and spent it on smack? I feel bad about that, not really, but yeah, that, and the time I made you shave your cat, oh, and the time I said your ass looks fat, or when I played the back nine while you were taking a nap. As a matter of fact, I've been a downright jerk, stealing cash from your purse, but that ain't the worst, I can't believe I'm the guy that filled your eye with (record spin) and when we went to ER I hit on the nurse. Now we're in a church, to make it official, I love you, you bitch, you're a motherfuckin' pistol, your very hard nipples are worth every wolf whistle, now say "I do", your mouth has a date with my missile!"
  • "Uh oh. Equipment failure. Hesh beat box fill."
  • "Smack the crap out of it!"
  • "Shut up."
  • "Golf blows"
  • "Hesh wants to go the 19th hole. Hesh wants jalapeno poppers."
  • "Maybe Hesh can do a little somethin somethin on the MIZZIKE!"
  • "You're one year older, one year wiser,
Rock 'n' roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser,
A room full of friends, a mouth full of cake,
Every present is for you, and it feels pretty great,
You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P.,
You get the first slice, of the P.I.E.,
But first blow out the candles, and make a wish,
Put a smile on, cause it's your berfday, bitch!"
[Song sang to Quinn at his birthday party while he is incapacitated by baseball bat-related injuries. At the end of the credits, Quinn says "seriously, what a bunch of assholes. It's not even my birthday."]
  • "Oh God, Lemon Juice! It burns with the power of Lemons!"
  • "Hesh fear for life!"
  • '[holds two dolls, one a bear, the other a giraffe]
Giraffe: "Nooo, we mustn't! It is forbidden!"
Hesh: "Go on! Hump her! Make a bear-affe... or a giraffabear."
  • "Hey hey hey, Where did you get those kick-ass pipes?!"
  • ""OH, DAYUM! NO HE DIDN'T! I know my man ain't gonna just climb up all on top of shorty's grill and put down a flag that says "BAP! Five!", "Biziatch!""

Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks

  • "I just got one thing to say: if you don't like me... fine! Go watch 'annie-may'."
  • Sparks: "Aren't you a little old to be having kids?"
Shanks: "Yeah... which reminds me of a funny plot twist!"
  • "You may be wondering why I've called you here today... well, it's not to show you my diorama of George C. Scott as Patton!"
  • "Now are you in, or do I have miniature John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the face about a billion more times?"
  • "Go empty your catheter bag."
  • "Oh yeah, I got a cool catch phrase... I've just never had the chance to use it... it goes 'Damn, thats cold ya'll'"
  • Mexican guy: NO, NO COME! NO, NO COME!
Shanks (holding a worm): "No, no señor, don't do it." (eats it)
  • " Crawl outta my butt, Hitler!"
  • Shanks, dressed as a nun with boxing gloves, punching Marco "You see that? That's Jesus kissin' you!"
  • "Hey Fatty, how 'bout another piece of cake? Oh, don't mind if I do! No cake for Fatty! No cake for Fatty!"

Debbie Love

  • "As specified by standards and practices, I am enjoying this hookah in a drug-free way."
  • "Oh, I swear this show gets worse every day! My character's a kindergarden teacher! What's she need a gun for?"
  • "The strongest power on earth is the love of a woman for a child"
[Dolphin Boy chatters]
"Listen fatty, I told you once: you can either hold it, or you can just PEE in that wetsuit!"

Dr. Verjay

  • "I want the blood to dribble down my chin as I sink my pearly incisors into the well-marbled flesh!"
  • "Aaaah, you have spit some sort of corrosive substance into my eyes. You are a perfect killing machine, and I, for one, am honored to be among [is eaten by the Predator]."
  • [talking to Quinn while watching Archy suffering to an unknown illness]
[Dr. Verjay]"My Guess is it's similar to mad cow disease only more icky
[Quinn] "Is it terminal?"
[Archy's head explodes]
[Dr. Verjay] "....It would appear so."
  • "For the last time, I'm not that type of Indian!"

The Bizarros

  • Bizzaro Murphy: "Greetings, cretins! Give us the Destructo Beam or suffer the Bizzaro consequences!"

  • Bizzarro Murphy: "The Destructo Beam is the most powerful destructive weapon ever wrought by man. Capable of vaporizing earth into...vapour.
Sparks: "Why would we blow up the earth?......Where WE are?...right now."
Bizarro Murphy: "because it's bizzarooooooo"
Sparks: "it's stupid!"

  • Quinn: [sounds of Bizzaro Debbie's "interrogation" of Quinn from behind a door turn into sounds of wild sex]
"The doctor is in"!
Bizarro Debbie: "Is he ever!"
Debbie: That BASTARD!!!!
Quinn: Woman SHUT UP!!!!!
Murphy: [oblivious] My god! He's out of his mind with pain!"
Bizarro Quinn: "You want make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge m'kay? Mmmmm... delicious."

  • Murphy: "I hate them all except Turtleface."
Bizzaro Quinn: "Bizzaro, I love you. Bizzaro, I love you."

  • Murphy: "Does anyone have a peanut for turtleface?"
Bizarro Murphy: "Don't! He's allergic!"
Bizarro Quinn: "They'll kill me."

  • Bizarro Stormy: "I am...Bizarro Stormy!"
Stormy: "I'm regular Stormy."
Bizarro Debbie: "Shut up idiots!"
Bizarro Stormy: "Don't you mean, Bizarro shut up?

  • Bizzaro Murphy: "Silence! I will now ply your minds with...BIZARRO VISION! Behold! And be helpless"
Murphy: "Look Turtleface. Star Wars!!"

  • Murphy: "I hate the Bizarros!"
Bizarro Murphy: "Dont you mean you hate the Bizarrooooos?!"

  • Bizzaro Murphy: "Give us the Destructo Beam!"
Sparks: "Don't you mean the Bizarro Beam?!"
Bizzaro Murph: "...Bizzaro!"

  • Groovy Murphy: "Greetings, dudes! Give us the Patchouli beam or suffer the GROOVY consequences!"
Murphy: "I hate the Groovies."


Shanks: Quinn, don't you dare walk out that door!
Quinn: That's what Yo Mama said!
Shanks: Heh, good comeback!

[Quinn walks back into the room with a tape recorder. He plays it.]

Aggie Shanks: Quinn, don't you dare walk out that door!
Shanks: Aw, that could be anybody!

[Quinn plays a video on the screen of Shanks' mother lying in bead.]

Aggie Shanks: Don't make me, Aggie Shanks, mother of Tornado, beg for you to come back in here, an' give me some more of that sweet jungle fevery forbidden love of yours! Baby, I love you! [Quinn rewinds] Ba-ba-ba-baby, I love you! [She Cries]
Quinn: Eeeeend, scene!
Shanks: [Beat] Well obviously, this means war.

Debbie: We don't need three captains!
Murphy: Roger that!
Sparks: We don't need one.
Murphy: Roger... Hey!

  • Stormy: Since when are you pipe history maven?
Sparks: Since I took the pipe storage tour, and rented the headphones...ASS!
Hesh: How was that?
Sparks: Frickin' awesome.
Hesh: FRICKIN' AWESOME!!! (pause) Y'know it was gonna be.

  • [Marco and Debbie are outside Quinn's bedroom with food.]
Marco: Anyway, we probably can just leave these by the door, Quinn's gonna be busy with that hooker for a while.
Debbie: WHAT? A HOOKER?!?!

[Uh-Oh Episode Music starts]

Janitor: Uh-oh.
Guy on telephone: Uh-oh.
Other guy on telephone: Uh-oh.
Guy in office: Uh-oh.
Security Guy: Uh-oh.
Robot: (beeps)
Master Loo in stocks: Uh-oh.
Frat guys: Uh-oh. (one hurls)
Coffee guys: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Dolphin Boy: (whatever he speaks in) (Uh-oh.)
Murphy: (speaking into megaphone while driving his Murphmobile) UH-OH! UH-OH!
Evans: (running down the corridor into the reactor room) Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Hesh: Uh-oh.
Carl: Uh-oh.
Sparks: Uh-oh. (changes channel on monitor) Uh-oh.
Diver 1: Uh-oh, over.
Diver 2: (sinking) Roger, uh-oh.
Chopper Pilot: Copy uh-oh. Chopper Dave, we have uh-oh, over.
Chopper Dave: Uh-OHHHHHH!
Aircraft Carrier PA Guy: Attention on deck! Uh-oh, Uh-oh.
General: (on hotline telephone) Uh-oh.

[Phone rings, Music stops when Russian General picks up phone]

Russian General: Pi-voh. (Uh-oh.)

[Music continues, Monkey in Satellite receives "Pi-voh", pushes War button and arms Nuke.]

Aliens: Trib-Oh, Trib-oh, Trib-oh.
Guy getting probed: Uh-oh.

[Alien turns on view screen with Debbie]


  • [Marco and Debbie are laughing because Marco meant Quinn was watching "TJ Hooker"]
Marco: With a prostitute.
Debbie: WHAT?!

[Uh-Oh Episode Music starts again]

Janitor: Uh-oh.
Guy on telephone: Uh-oh.
Other guy on telephone: Uh-oh.

[Monster Hesh breaks through wall and roars "Uh-oh".]

Guy in office: Uh-oh.
Security Guy: Uh-oh.
Robot: (beeps then crushes scorpion with wrench)
Master Loo in stocks: Uh-oh. (then head flies off like a balloon)
Frat guys: Uh-oh. (one hurls)
Coffee guys: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Dolphin Boy: (whatever he speaks in) (Uh-oh.)
Murphy: (speaking into megaphone) UH-OH! UH-OH!

[Murphy runs Dolphin boy and the three guys over with his Murphmobile.]

Evans: (running down the corridor into the reactor room) Uh-oh.
Hesh: Uh-oh.
Carl: Uh-oh.
Sparks: (changes channel on monitor) Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Diver 1: Uh-oh, over.
Chopper Pilot: Repeat last transmission, over.
Diver 1: Uh-oh, over.
Chopper Pilot: Say again, say again, is that an uh-oh, over.
Diver 1: I say again, we have uh-oh, over.
Chopper Pilot: Copy Uh-oh. Chopper Dave, we have uh-oh over.

[Chopper Dave's copter is shown, but no response.]

Chopper Pilot: Chopper Dave, we have uh-oh, this is not a drill, over.

[Again, we see his copter, but no response.]

Chopper Pilot: Chopper Dave, come in, over.

[Same result.]

Chopper Pilot: Chopper Dave, Chopper Dave, Chopper Dave.

[No reply.]

Chopper Pilot: Base I'm not uh-. No response from Chopper Dave, over. Please advise.
Chopper Dave: (turning into werewolf) Uh-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [chopper explodes]
Aircraft Carrier PA Guy: Attention on deck, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. [Carrier falls over edge] UH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
General: (on two telephones) Uh-oh. [missile lands on his desk]

[Phone rings, Music stops when Russian General picks up phone.]

Russian General: Da? (Yes) Da. Da. Nyet. (No) DA. [knowing laugh] Da? *Bear gets in his face* Pi-voh. (Bear attacks him)

[Monkey in satellite has several items flying around in capsule: Monkey Porn, Smirnoff, Stimutacs.]

Monkey:: (laughing)

[He is injected by something and classical music starts playing, as he's given a cigarette. Uh-oh music resumes as he presses 'War' button. The missile arms as before.]

Aliens: Trib-oh, Trib-oh.
Guy getting probed: No, leave it in. Leave it in there...leave it in my butt.

[Alien turns on view screen with Debbie]


(mock commercial)
Boy #1: You got any OJ?
Boy #2: Orange Juice? What are you, a gay?
Boy #1: Well now, that's just insensitive!
Boy #2: Take your balls out of your purse, and step up to flavor! With Whale Cancer!

  • Murphy: "Nails are like candy to robots. And we'll eat tires instead of licorice."
Debbie: "Gawd! No we won't"
Murphy: "Maybe you won't!"

  • "Would you eat a rectal thermometer? Well I would. Ahhhh ... mercury. Sweetest of the transition metals" --a talking psychedelic whale.

  • Quinn: How can you be so damn selfish?
Debbie: Because how many times do I turn 30?
Quinn: Well according to your driver's license, I'd have to say 5.
Hesh: OH DAMN, I know my man didn't just crawl all up on shorty's grill and put down a flag that say "BOP, FAH, BIZZIATCH".....ahem.
Debbie: You tried to sneak Hesh into my party!?
Sparks: Nooo, Hesh who?
Stormy: Hepplewhite.
Sparks: [out the side of his mouth] Shut uuuup.
Stormy: That's his last name, Hepplewhite.
Debbie: Okay, that friggin' does it, all of you OUT. You too Mr. Look-In-My-Purse[Quinn]!
Hesh: [inside bag] He was probably looking for his balls!
Quinn: Fine! I'm tired of that 35-year old ass anyway! [climbs on go-cart]
Hesh: [inside bag] Aww damn! I guess he found em!
Debbie: F**k you, you f**king motherf**ker!
Sparks: Well, this has been a lovely evening.
Quinn: Would you just drive!?
Sparks Thanks for having us! [drives off]
Hesh: [still inside bag while driving off with everyone] Frickin' awesome!
Debbie: Are people showing up yet?
Shanks: [returning from cleaning up corpses] Naw, everybody's dead.
Debbie: [distraught] This is great!
Shanks: Yeah, it's good to be a main character.

  • Orphan: "Ka-ching! Their entire fortune's now hidden in my numbered swiss account! Just like the nazis!"
Other Orphan: "Ich bin impressed!"

  • Quinn: Now how are we supposed to get supplies in the dark?
Debbie: I think I found what I'm looking for!...
[unzips Quinn's zipper]
Quinn: Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! You are *so* bad!
Debbie: I guess this really *is* the tool closet.
Marco: Hey! What the hell's going on here?!
Debbie: Marco?!
Quinn: Whoa! Whoa whoa! Quinn don't swing like that, baby!
Debbie: Shut up. [hits Quinn]
[Zipper is heard]
[lights come back on]
Marco: What are you two doing in here?
Quinn: Uhh...getting supplies...
[shortly thereafter]
Quinn: Nice story. Really believable.
Marco: Well, I couldn't come up with a smooth one like "Getting supplies".
[Quinn and Marco talk in an increasingly Laddish fasion]
Quinn: Ha... yeah, you know...
Marco: You were supplying that booty!
Quinn: Ah, you know, in't that right? Whoo, the big dogs in...
Marco: Ha ha ha!
Quinn: Diggy Diggy! Whoo!
Debbie: Hey! I'm standing right here!
Quinn: Ahem, sorry baby.

Debbie: Quinn, wait!
Quinn: What?
Debbie: You forget how to salute, soldier?
Marco: Damn! No she didn't!

  • Stormy: Making you Captain is almost as dumb as making a chick Captain!
Debbie: Stormy, not another word out of you. Period.
Stormy: ...Speaking of period...
[Cut to Stormy shackled, in a dungeon]
Stormy: It was TOTALLY worth it.

  • Sparks: I've got something for you.
Debbie: What is it?
Sparks: A book.
Debbie: What's the book?
Sparks: A modest proposal.
Debbie: By whom?
Sparks: Jonothan Swift.
Debbie: And what is it about?
Sparks: Eating babies.

  • Quinn: "Why do you think they call me Dr. Quinn?"
Stormy*flashing west side hand sign*: "I thought it was a nickname, you know, like Dr. Dre. Eastsiiide!"
[Long pause]
Sparks: "God you're stupid."

  • Sparks: So why don't you call HER Debbie, and the other one...[mockingly quiet]...white Debbie.
Stormy:[guffaws]WHITE Debbie??
[laughs] That's stupid! I know she's white..."
Dr. Quinn: Man, how'd you feel if eveyone went around calling you "White" Stormy?
Stormy: [gasps] You mean there's a BLACK Stormy?!!"
Dr. Quinn: .....No

  • Debbie: Are you the dying kid?
Griff: I, uh... I, um...
Debbie: You stutter too? Could you have worse luck? Oh well, at least you wont have to deal with it in high school.

  • Shanks: It was the third of June on the old Tallahachie Bridge. Perseus died first. He made his own bungee jumpin' rig outta a bunch of old bungee cords and duct tape.
Perseus: Watch this, y'all!
[jumps off the bridge]
Sparks: Oh man. The rope totally broke, right?
Shanks: Probably woulda, but old Perseus forgot to measure the bridge, so he still had fifty feet of bungee left when he hit.
Stormy: Duuude!
Shanks: And to make matters worse, he jumped holdin' Herc's favorite chicken.
Hercules: Mah chicken!!
[jumps off the bridge]
Sparks: No way! Hercules jumped too?
Shanks: Yup. Shattered his spine. But with his last dyin' breath he hollered up to us-
Hercules: Oh man, this ain't even mah chicken!
Odysseus: Well, whose is it?
Hercules: I think you'd better sit down, Ody.
Odysseus: Oh, mah chicken!!
[jumps off the bridge]
Shanks: He loved that bird somethin' fierce, but he landed on Herc! Killed 'em both deader than four o'clock in the mornin'.
Sparks: So what happened to the chicken?
Shanks: Funny enough, that old yard bird lived, like a dang miracle... So we ate it.
Sparks: Circle of life, man.
Shanks: Needless to say, Mama was awful tore up about the whole thing.
Mama: Is that Herc's chicken?
Young Shanks: No, it's Ody's.
Mama: ...He's plump.
Sparks: Well, here's to your bean-snappin' mother.
Stormy: And your dead-ass brothers!
[the three drink]
Shanks: That night, Castor and Pollux got to drinkin' and they swore revenge.
Sparks: Revenge? On who?
Shanks: On that damn bridge! They put a fifty gallon tank of gas on either end of the bridge-
Sparks: Wait, they put gas on the bridge?
Shanks: Yeah, shut up. Then, they staggered out onto the middle of the bridge-
Sparks: Wait, the middle of the bridge?
Shanks: Can I tell this, please? Then they pulled back on their mighty bows of ewe, and screamed out-
Pollux :[I think]: Eh, this is for our brother!
Castor: You son of a bitchin' bridge!
Pollux: Son of a bitchin' bridge made'a wood!
Castor: Goddamn bitchin' burnable son of a bitch!
[The twins launch flaming arrows at the gas, setting the bridge on fire.]
Pollux: Hey, Castor!
Castor: Yeah, Pollux?
Pollux: I am drunk as shiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
[the bridge falls with Castor and Pollux on it]
Sparks: Wait, you said you had six brothers. That's only five.
Shanks: Yep. Old Achilles died this mornin'
Stormy: How?
Shanks: Heart attack takin' a dump.
Sparks: Circle of life, man.
Stormy: Ashes to ashes, poop to poop.

[Stormy is hanging in a dungeon]

Marco: So, you, uh, need anything?
Stormy: Um... no. Can't think of anything. [coughs violently] Oh, maybe some tuberculosis medicine.

  • Family Services Lady: Hi, Family Services...
Murphy: Lady, unless you got a Baby Alvis jammed up your skirt, tell your story walking!

  • Stormy: okay, so what if i put my brain in a robot body, and then there was a war between robots and humans, which side would i be on?
Debbie: humans! you still have a human brain.
Sparks: but the humans would discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco: man, we better not have to live on reservations, that would really chap my caboose!

Quinn: How the hell did Sparks get promoted? [cut to Debbie and Sparks]
Debbie: A wheelchair?
Sparks: Uh, what do you call a chair with wheels?
Debbie: You're just lazy! Not disabled!
Sparks: My legs are limp and dead.

Sparks: [voice shakes] I'm telling you Deb, no sensation whatsoever.
Debbie: [camera pulls back to reveal his legs full of sharp objects and Debbie holding a battle axe] Really. Then you're sure you won't mind another one?
Sparks: Oh, hey... [begins to shake] Knock yourself out.

  • U.S. President: And that would be the sound of the Komissar's phone melting.
Quinn: My god! You bombed Sealab?!
U.S. President: Well, unless their phone sponteously melted, which they', they're telling me isn't likely.
Quinn: Oh, the humanity!
U.S. President: Now listen to me! Bombing us won't bring them back! Two wrongs don't make a right, and...such and so forth.
Quinn: Right, yes, I'll land the plane.
U.S. President: Super! I tell you what my friend, you uh, land yourself at Andrews and uh, come on over! We'll have some er ah, Tom Collinses, and I'll introduce er ah, well, you know her. Hot little blonde from Sealab?
Quinn: What, Debbie's there?
U.S. President: Oh yes, hell yes, yes! Quite a fast piece of er ah, baggage there! In fact, my brother's probably hosing her down as we speak! We can share, eh? You know I'm into that!
Quinn: You filthy bastard! [cuts transmission]
U.S. President: Hello? Son, are you there?
Quinn: [riding a falling nuke to his doom on the U.S.A.] Nobody shucks my corn but meeeee!

Quinn: Hey, why not have the guy with five PhDs mop the floor? Yeah, hey, good plan...
Murphy: [head appears in ventilation shaft] Psst! Hey!
Quinn: Hello?
Murphy: Down here!
Quinn: Hello... sir.
Murphy: [Quinn is wearing an elaborate mopping device] What's with all the gear?
Quinn: Well, everybody else is a captain and is too busy giving orders to do any work.
Murphy: Hell on hockey skates, huh?

  • Marco: Mon capitain! Enemy submarine is firing on us!
Murphy: Reactor core temperature is going critical.
Marco: I'm sealing off the core to drop the temperature back to safe levels.
Murphy: Wha--seal it off? But there's twenty men down there!
Marco: Si capitain, twenty lives to save two hundred. Those are odds I can live with.
Murphy: How dare you gamble with their souls!
[Pause. Someone yells "cut!" and it the "actors" step out of character to argue with the director on the set of Sealab 2021]
Director: You're putting no feeling into the script.
Murphy/Harry Goz: This script doesn't make any sense, I mean why is Murphy taking orders from Marco? It...
Director: Hey, hey, work with me here.

  • Quinn: Feng shui? That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
Sparks: Selling pot... holders... made of hemp.

Murphy: Hey, give the five PhDs business a rest, will you? Nobody likes hubris.
Quinn: Excuse me?
Murphy: Have you learned nothing from Icarus? Antigone? Pantheus? Huh.

  • Murphy: [after waking up from being knocked unconcious by Marco] Hey, who hit me?
Marco: Uhhh...Beard-Guy! [who is still unconcious on the floor from Murphy's sucker-punch]
Murphy: Oh yeah... [begins to repeatedly punch unconcious Beard-Guy] How do you like me now, chinstrap?

Quinn: Ah!
Stormy: [Stormy's skeleton is reading the paper at the "non-captain's table"] Hey dude! Pull up a crate!
Debbie Love: Hey Quinn! Hey bony macaroni!
Stormy: What's up, gorgeous?
Debbie Love: Aw, I just hate to see you two sitting up at this shabby little table, sugar!
Stormy: I'm a skeleton!
Debbie Love: I don't know why you can't just swallow your pride and get an Article 4! [which promotes almost everyone to Captain]

[flashback to Quinn's childhood, his Grandma is dying]

Quinn's Granny: And I want you to promise me-
Child Quinn: [crying] Yes ma'am.
Quinn's Granny: Always earn your own way in life. Especially if you grow up and work at some place called Sealab. Whatever that is.
Child Quinn: Yes ma'am.
Quinn's Granny: I smell toast. [dies]
Child Quinn: Grammy?
Landlord: You're being evicted. [A thief steals the faucet from outside the window.]

[flash back to present]

Quinn: Well, I've got my reasons.

  • Verjay: This disease is so new and rare that it does not have a name yet, and the best course of action is for you all to leave immediately
Tourist: Wait, shouldn't we be quarantined until you figure out what it is?
Verjay: Ordinarily yes. Now get out.
Woman Tourist: Wait, what about our children, what about our children!
Verjay: Uh, the children must be, uh... Quarantined.
Woman Tourist: But you just said...
Verjay: Damnit woman, there's no time! Get your fat ass out of here!

  • John Bear: Well in fact,I am not a real Indian.
[rips off mask]
Shanks: That makes you more of a racist than I am.
John Bear: Well, normally that would be true,
[Rips off another mask]
But i am in fact a real Native American,
[puts on mask] pretending to be a white man
[puts on other mask], pretending to be a Native American, all to teach you about double reverse racism.
Shanks: And what is that...?
John Bear: That for the birds...

  • Frenchman: Oh Poop!

Quinn: Hey, I'm still alive!
Murphy: You bet your buns you are.
Quinn: Captain?
Murphy: Daiquiri?
Alan: Hey Quinn.
Quinn: Alan?
Murphy: Alan and some of the guys built this [the giant robot they are in] in their spare time.
Alan: That's what those meetings were about.
Murphy: Yeah, we're like "Sealab sucks now!" So... you know.

  • Master Loo: You got a pen? Here's his social.

  • Quinn: Damage report!
Stormy: I'm fine!

  • Dancing Bear: What do you mean I'm broke?!? I've got six million dollars in the bank!
Accountant: Yeah, about that... you remember how you bought the Six Million Dollar Man?
Dancing Bear: HELL YEAH! [pause] Ohhhh... And then he ran away. Nobody's catching him.

Stormy: Hey, what happened to your Southern Accent?
Shanks: Eh, I dropped it. People kept thinking I was gay.
Lance: [Camp] Hey, baby! We missed you at the club last night.
Shanks: I'm not gay, Lance!
Lance: [Pirate Accent] Arrr, so we all be droppin' our accent now?

  • Quinn: Who's this guy?
Stormy: Oh, he came with the sub. He's cool.
German submarine captain: *german* you're telling me!
Quinn: Does anyone here speak German?
GSC: Ja!
Quinn: Not you.
GSC: *in german* I speak German.
Quinn: NOT YOU.
GSC: Vat?
Quinn: Shut up.
GSC: *pulls out Luger and fires it* SIEG HEIL! (translated in the subtitles as 'Victory Welfare')