Some of us might find happiness if we quit struggling so desperately for it.William Feather
- [Talking into the phone to the Heartland Toy Company] Your damn Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store, destroyed the stupid Gorgonites, and ran off! Lawsuit! Got that? [Pauses for a bit] Alan Abernathy. 330-555-0129.
- [to Archer] Hide and lose? That's a great option.
- [to Archer about wind] Just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
- [yelling at Major Chip Hazard] And I got a shot for you! You stupid toy!
- If Major Chip wants a war, we'll give him war.
- I don't think we killed him enough.
- He went to a seminar, "How to make a success of your small business", my suggestion is to torch the place.
Major Chip Hazard
- Major Chip Hazard! Reporting for duty!
- We are the Commando Elite. Everything else is just a toy!
- [taking out the chip from Nick Nitro's head] A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- [to Christy] Are you scared? We're all scared. You just have to be crazy not to be scared.
- I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning!
- If it lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethal!
- An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady!
- Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory will keep going, and going, and going.
- It's a small world after all.
- Expect no mercy.
- Gorgonite scum.
- [facing Archer] You have a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.
- [pointing missile at Alan] Ain't war hell?
- Having fun yet?
- [looking at the Commando Elite store] We have lost the battle. We will not lose the war.
- [threatening Joe with a toy knife] Greetings. You've been drafted. Move!
- Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give me death! Eternal vigilance is the price of duty. And, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live! The war against the Gorgonites will be won! Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites and frag 'em all!
- [damaged severely] There will be no mer-er-er-er-mercy.
- Man, I don't believe it!
- I am...at a loss.
- Hey! Nice forehand, honey!
- Life's full of disappointments.
- Say hi, once in a while.
- They're toast.
- I think World War II was my favorite war.
- I don't know. It looks kind of fuzzy.
- Hey! Is that my JVC?!
- Keep your nose clean.
- I don't like your tone. It's too loud.
- Toys is hell.
- Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Alan. Friend of Archer. Defender of all Gorgonites. Keeper of Encarta.
- The Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.
- Alan. We must find the-[muffled by Alan, covering Archer's face with a toy hat]-Gorgonites!
- We would lose. That's what we're programmed to do.
- Time to hide again.
- If we hide, we will still lose. No more hiding.
- [Pulling a toy knife from his thigh] They're wires and metal. The same as yours.
- Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.
- [hiding in a garbage dump] Don't worry, Archer. We was hiding.
- Alan. I'm feeling very insecure.
- I'll never see Gorgon again.
- [ringing a bell] Sanctuary! Sanctuary! [yodeling while attacking Commandos]
- [launching off in a toy boat] I'm seasick already.
- [riding in a toy boat] I hope we don't hit an iceburg.
- Three words, folk! Pu-ber-ty!
- Is this a boy or an oil painting?
- All right! Let's go for a round and round and round of applause for Archer!
- What else is on?
- Thank you, ladies and germs!
- Aw-man. I hate babysitting.
- [looking at the Gwendy dolls] Mmm! Sweet stuff. Hubba-bubba!
- I think I'm gonna hurl.
- [in the Fimples' garage] This place is a goldmine!
- Descend and destroy!
- Dibs on the chainsaw.
- [looking at the Gwendy dolls] Hello, dolly! [whistle]
- [chuckling] It's alive! It's alive!
- Sir...I'm pretty messed up, sir.
- Time to plant some corns.
- You just met your match.
- [being put into the sink razor] Surrender or DIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
- First blood!
- Hot pursuit!
- One strapped ride!
- I love this job!
- Nail 'em to the wall!
- All my makeup is cruelty free!
- If you can't accessorize, pulverize!
- I think I over-plucked my eyebrows!
- Let's see if her head pops off!
- Watch out! She's got a baton! It's a Bataan death march!
- That haircut was so 5 minutes ago!
- Timmy Fimple: Dad, you know my birthday? I just want clothes.
- Mr. Mars: Exactly, don't call it violent; call it action. Kids love action. It sells.
- Irwin Wayfair: You put munitions chips into toys?
- Larry Benson: Hello, Mr. Chips.
- Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Alan: Awfully polite for a monster.
- Archer: What is your name?
- Alan: I'm Alan. Now shut up. I gotta do my homework.
- Archer: Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up.
- Archer: Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...
- Alan: "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave.
- Stuart: Alright. Suitcase. Briefcase. Keys...hey, where're my keys?
- Irene: Right where you left them.
- Stuart: Oh, and where did I leave them? [Irene takes the keys out of Stuart's pocket] What's wrong with me?
- Christy: I heard your parents had to move here because you got kicked out of ten different schools?
- Alan: I did not! [paused for a while] It was only two.
- Alan: Thanks, Joe. I owe you one.
- Joe: You owe me twelve!
- Stuart: Son, what happened here?
- Alan: Nothing. Nothing happened.
- Stuart: Oh, really? [and the mass of the toy boat falls out] And how do you explain this?!
- Alan: [stummering] I was dusting it, and it fell over.
- Stuart: Oh, you were dusting it with what? A croquet mallet?
- Major Chip Hazard: Sound off, soldiers!
- Butch Meathook: Butch Meathook. Sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir!
- Major Chip Hazard: Glad to have you on board.
- Nick Nitro: Nick Nitro. Demolition is my mission.
- Major Chip Hazard: Same as your father. He was a good man.
- Brick Bazooka: Brick Bazooka. Artillery. Sir!
- Major Chip Hazard: Save it for the enemy.
- Link Static: Link Static. Communications. Awaiting a patch of orders, sir.
- Kip Killigan: Kip Killigan. Sharp as a razor, sir!
- Major Chip Hazard: Let me see that weapon. [grabbing Kip's gun, breaking it in half]Standard issue is insufficient.
- Archer: Alan. If Gorgon's not in that window, is it in this one?
- Alan: There's nothing outside the window. There's just stuff outside them.
- Archer: What stuff?
- Alan: You know. Houses. Electric poles. Christy's house.
- Slamfist: And beyond that?
- Alan: The mall.
- Archer: And what's beyond that?
- Alan: That's the highway.
- Punch-It: And beyond that?
- Alan: A million acres of farm.
- Archer: And what's beyond that?
- Alan: I don't know.
- Archer: Hmmm. Gorgon.
- Nick Nitro: It's...only a...flesh wound, sir.
- Major Chip Hazard: At ease, soldier. You did great.
- Nick Nitro: Did...we...win? [his battery ran out]
- Major Chip Hazard: We will.
- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.
- Irwin: EMP?
- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.
- Christy: You rescued me! [kissing Alan]
- Alan: [pausing for a bit] Anytime.
- Alan: There's a problem with the Commandos.
- Larry: Really? What kind of problem?
- Stuart: [punches Larry in the face] Your toys nearly killed my son!
- Stuart: But what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
- Irwin: That would be "Gizmo" over here. [pointing at Larry]
- Archer: Gorgonites. We must help Alan.
- Slamfist: But if we fight, we will lose.
- Troglokhan: Last time we fought, I woke up at am/fm.
- Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.
- Archer: If we hide, we would still lose. No more hiding.
- Major Chip Hazard: Beware. There are 16 Gorgonites.
- Christy: 16? Where did they 16 from?
- Larry: 7 Gorgonites and 9 people.
- Stuart: What are you packing, tiny?
- Link Static: Packing? Packing you. [trapping Stuart in a giant net bag]
- Christy: Any sigh of the Gorgonites?
- Alan: No, not a thing.
- Phil: Come on Christy!
- Christy: [kisses Alan on cheek] I'll see ya.
- [Alan grabs her dramatically and kisses her]
- Gil Mars: [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage] Too bad. This would have been a hell of a commercial.
- The few, the proud, and the small.
- Big Movie!
- Smart, Funny and Action-Packed
- David Cross - Irwin Wayfair
- Jay Mohr - Larry Benson
- Alexandra Wilson - Ms. Kegel
- Denis Leary - Gil Mars
- Gregory Smith - Alan Abernathy
- Dick Miller - Joe
- Kirsten Dunst - Christy Fimple
- Jacob Smith - Timmy Fimple
- Jonathan Bouck - Brad
- Kevin Dunn - Stuart Abernathy
- Ann Magnuson - Irene Abernathy
- Wendy Schaal - Marion Fimple
- Phil Hartman - Phil Fimple