He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.Benjamin Franklin
- It's a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.
- You know, for a lesbian, you seem to suck a whole mess o' dick.
- The way I see it, there's so much love and beauty in the world, and someone has to balance that shit out.
- Nothing like a woman's touch to make a man crumple into a fetal ball of humiliated emotion.
- I try not to think. It's not really a hallmark of my generation.
- I don't really need people anyway. I've got a boneless cat.
- I used to think every day I woke up and didn't gargle a few rounds from a revolver was a victory, but little 'golden' moments like this make me wonder, 'A victory for who?'.
- Y'know, it's not that God assfucks me every chance he gets that pisses me off so much as that annoying laughter of his I constantly hear in the back of my mind.
- So are you really this stupid, or simply abusing the fact that I won't hit a woman?
- Teacher says everytime an actor gets her teeth knocked out, an angel gets its wings.
- Goddamit, Jason! Stop using my ugliness as a tool to strong-arm people into stripping!
- Do you hate the people at the party so much that you'd inflict my company upon them?
- Remember when you were in Kindergarten and we got in a fist fight over my Legos? I knocked out one of your baby teeth. Sometimes, when you talk, I can't help but envy that me.
- You're the sort of person who has to sneak up on his hand to masturbate.
- Don't gripe to me about your kids, Gia. I gave you a clothes hanger. Not my fault you didn't use it.
- It's a frail sad line between optimism and delusion, my little Canadian.
- I was seventeen and hadn't been laid yet. Put those two things together and Legos are gonna seem sexy.
- Don't dare blame this on my taste-buds. I could menstruate a better cup of coffee than this!
- If a guy tells me I can't possibly stick a crazy straw all the way up his smallest orifice, that's a challenge I'm honor-bound to accept!
- The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them. 
- Y'Know, I had this great idea for a Hello Kitty dominatrix outfit- I mean if guys think the school girl fetish is hot, imagine some cute little chick in pigtails and pink leather.
- Real friends are willing to rag in unison, Mister "Too Good To Bleed From His Crotch!"
- Thanks for the thought, Davan, but Easter candy doesn't taste good unless it's stolen and causes little boys to cry.
- Is the world running so low on lesbians you've decided to force a few of us straight girls over the wall using the threat of your naked body as your secret weapon?
- I still say we need to find a way to bottle and sell the sensation of a six year old boy verbally and morally bitch-slapping someone.
- I am La Gatita Demonica! Breaker of skulls and eater of men's spirits!
- Sad. Yet another innocent citizen falls victim to a random act of pancake topping.
- So I made some pork chops and rented "Babe."
- Pssst--little girl! I'll give you a buck if you promise to ask Daddy why Mommy's goodnight kisses are so salty!
- These are not free range boobies!
- Chemo kitties need extra love!
- PeeJee senses tingling... Must step away before I give in to urge to strangle my friend.
- And, so you know, this is the audition for "Nailed," not "Ugly: The Musical." That being said, everyone on the right half of the room should feel free to leave.
- You're like a Columbine kid who was too lazy to do anything.
- I'm going back home to practice saying, "They were such a quiet pair," in the mirror so I can keep a straight face when I have to say it at your eventual trials.
- I am Chupacornbread! Beater of a thousand innocents and taker of lunch money from slow children!
- Come now, Aubrey. We can never go too far as long as we're cute, have nice boobs and alibis.
- After this, we're gonna have a Toy Story battle royale and then I'm sticking my head in the oven.
- I'm sorry. Is our date interrupting your conversation with my boobs?
- You always struck me as the sort to sell a friend for thirty pieces of silver if you weren't so lazy.
- Hey, everyone! I wanna have a cast talk, so come over here. As you know, we open in a week, so I wanna give you all some words of advice because I'll probably be too drunk this week to remember to do it. When you're on stage, try not to suck cock like a bunch of morons. Now, PeeJee and I are gonna go across the street and drink and make fun of various cast members, but I won't tell you whom because I believe paranoia really helps performance.
- I'm not sure how I feel about audience members being pulled on stage and then crucified.
- It's hard to get investors to financially back a trip to a sleazy lounge to score some poonie. Not that I didn't try.
- Oh, I know your name, all right! "Soul Stealer!" Now get your spirit-crushing womb out of my home!
- Heresy is sexy, Aubrey. Cancer isn't!
- I guess since this may be my last hour or so alive before enraged theatre fans pull me apart, I probably shouldn't spend that time wondering why you had a fascination with green superwomen.
- I bukkake for justice!
- Goth Kid: A work shirt? This isn't an emo club, or are you going for the gothabilly look?
- Lisa: For future reference, when a woman says she wants your honest opinion, she really doesn't.
- Mike, regarding the TV show Enterprise: But if I don't watch it, I won't know how I'm being mistreated as a fan or what to bitch about.
- Fred: The story of Christ's sacrifice is an important one that every child should know; and there's such a message ...When the children hear about Jesus and how lovin' and carin' he was, how he gave his all to God's children, and how it got him nailed to a tree, it will be amazin' to see whose eyes light up with hope, and whose burn with newfound survival instincts.
- Jason's girlfriend, in nightmare:Yes, our so many, many children! Aren't they beautiful? Sometimes I feel a little guilty about all those fertility pills I slipped into your food, and the fact you can never now see your friends, but when I see those hundreds of soulless eyes watching you like tiny sharks observing their prey, I know I made the right choice, for both of us. And when they all grow up and leave home, it'll just be you and me... Growing old together. So very old. And very, very saggy together. Of course, we'll have long since stopped having sex, but we won't need physical pleasure. Our mutual love, accompanied by my constant nagging and reminders of what your life could have been will sustain us.
- Faye: Fred, before you say one more word, I want you to remember two things: I have an impressive life insurance policy on you, and you ALWAYS fall asleep before me.
- Kim: Nothing is as sexy as the look on a man's face as he slips into an unplanned slumber.
- Milholland's commentary: On one shoulder is an angel saying, "do it." On the other shoulder is a devil saying, "do it now."
- Fred: You want a poem? Fine! "Roses are red, green is the grass, Sorry I hurt you, I'm a horse's ass."
- An Angel: Lord, I know you like watching shit happen to that guy, but, you see, there's this war about to happen, and the prayers are really backing up
- God: Shhh! You're gonna make me miss the look of complete horrific realization and that's the best part!
- Davan: ...I was so happy. That should have been my first clue it was all going to end in a s*** pile and she'd eventually leave after I was no longer useful to her.
- Jason: Gotcha. Happiness equals misery. So what does misery equal?
- Davan: ... cupcakes
- Jason: You must have a lot of cupcakes.
- Davan: Yes. Yes, I do