South Park/Season 1

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This is a section of the page South Park.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe [1.1]

Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green bean casserole, or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kick ass.

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?!
Stan: I said "Rabbits eat lettuce."
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

Cartman: [singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
Cartman: I'm not fat, and you obviously like her, because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan: I do not!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Sellick.

Kyle: Ike! Go home!
Cartman: Yeah, get away from me you freaking dildo!
Kyle: DUDE! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?

Stan: That was beautiful dude
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No. They're leaving.
Kyle: Hey you *bleep*! What the *bleep* is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of *bleep* to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: I know what *bleep*! You like to *bleep*!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a *bleep*?

Weight Gain 4000 [1.2]

Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof! Beefcake! Beefcake!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle: Dolphins don't live in igloos! Those are Eskimos, idiot!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap anyway!

Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

Stan: Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-tart!
Cartman: Yeah I do! Pop-tarts are frosted!

Volcano [1.3]

Ned: I don't think kids drink beer.
Uncle Jimbo: Look out, kid! That's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

Stan: Uncle Jimbo says that after this he's taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!
Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride [1.4]

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig [1.5]

Mrs. Crabtree: Wait a minute! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]
Kyle: The new retarded kid.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, I'm sorry little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like "Hey, get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny: And I want to see you handling your breasts.
Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like "Hey! Why don't you stop dressing me like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know?"
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, is all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8 year old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Death [1.6]

Randy: How's it feel to be 102, Grandpa?
Grampa: Shoot me!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's bullshit! Don't listen to Kyle's mom, she's just a dirty Jew!

Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?
[pause]
Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a 60 foot pole.
Stan: [hangs up] God damn it!
Jesus: I heard that.

TV: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Protester: Look, It's the president of the network!
President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. "Fuck you!" Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky; come and fly, take a ride--
Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

Pink Eye [1.7]

Coroner: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don't know, it just--it just makes everything taste so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool (he laughs along with Kyle)
Kyle: Sissy.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Kenny: [oblivious to Cartman's statement]
Cartman: I said it's too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!
Kenny: [oblivious]
Cartman: [exasperated] Y-your family is poor, Kenny! -- Your family is real poor!

Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually—-
Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid wookie!
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor.

Cartman: [day-dreaming while watching a movie, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Remind me to whoop your ass big time next time I see you.

Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! Make love, don't you be afraid! Just because my heart ain't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

Starvin' Marvin [1.8]

Cartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!
Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!
Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, neh? Neh, neh, neh?

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person too.

Damien [1.10]

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
Cartman: Ay!


Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and whoopS, shoved it up my ass, pop, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party.
Pip: YOU FAT FIEND

Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil.
Mr. Mackey: Mm'kay, that's a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn and kill them?

Damien: The new reign of my father!
Mr. Garrison: Who's your father?
Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class!

Cartman: Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants?!
Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun.
Cartman: You son-of-a-bitch! [jumps on Kyle, hysterical] You were supposed to get me the red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man, you dirty, cheap-ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! DIE!!
Kyle: [at the same time as Cartman] Aaaaaaaah!!

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh level of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: I can't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Ms. Ellen: I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life--
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: What?!
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your ass back to last year!...Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Mecha-Streisand [1.12]

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
Officer Barbrady: Well you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut [1.13]

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes.
Cartman: And my friends Kyle and Kenny have dads?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: You see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a women are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uh-huh...
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly into your cha-cha?

Mrs. Crabtree: Get on this bus right now, we're running late!
Stan: We're not going today, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: I said "we're not going today, you fat ugly bitch!"
Mrs. Crabtree: (calmly) Oh, Okay. [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: Wow, I never thought that would actually work.

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."
Chief Running Water: Hell-o!

Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wi-i-i-i-i-i-de canyon."
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Running Water: She is doe who cannot keep legs together.
Cartman: What?
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Cartman: Whoa!

Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!