South Park/Season 10

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Very simple ideas lie within the reach only of complex minds
Remy De Gourmont
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This is a section of the page South Park.

The Return of Chef [10.1]

Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?

Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ...Joobs!

Clyde: You guys... something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
Kyle: Like what?
Clyde: I think… I think he wants to have sex with me.

Chef: [In sound clips of his voiced mixed together] I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?

Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!

Mr. Connolly: [About the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by a train in 1892.

[After hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!

Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.
Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!!!
Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
Randy: Yeah.
Mr. Mackey: He's right.
Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all.

Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
Mr. Connolly: Yes, YESS! Hahahahahahaaa!

Mr. Connolly: Our club offers hope! Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really, really, really, really good? No! Our club has a message...and a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
Stan: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
Mr. Connolly: Very well. I am now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.

Cartman: [upon seeing Chef fall down a mountain then get torn to pieces by a mountain lion and a bear] Hey maybe he's ok, I heard the last thing you do before you die is cra—[Chef voids bowels] oh… never mind.

Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...
Stan: He's remembering
Chef: Children! what have I done
Cartman: It's ok Chef go on remember
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna I'm gonna
Kyle: Come on Chef you can do it
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to you woman gonna lay ya down by the fire
The boys: YAAY!

Smug Alert! [10.2]

Cartman: San Fransisco is the breeding ground of hippies!

News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.

Cartoon Wars Part I [10.3]

Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammed as a character?
Randy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!

Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!

Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's wrooooong!

Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!

Mrs Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
Wendy: ...Yeah.

Cartman: Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand! Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangable joke after another!

Closing voiceover: Will networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?

Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!

Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim Mcgraw?

Cartoon Wars Part II [10.4]

Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.

Cartman: I did it, I…am…GOD!


Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman: [pause] Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fatass!
Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?
Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy!

Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was innevtale.
[Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight.]
Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!

President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.

Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling

Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

[In a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!
Phillip: You censored out the image of Mohammed in our television special!!
Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammed anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Mohammed uncensored!
CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Mohammed!

Terrence: Hello Mohammed, we've read all aboot you in the Koran.
Mohammed: I'm here to investigate a murder.

Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy.

SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show Mohammed tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammed as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.

Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Mohammed - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!
[the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the episode with Mohammed]
American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.
American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.
American Male 1: We like to crap on each other. [the men crap on each other]
President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]
American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".

Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.
Kyle: WHAT?!

A Million Little Fibers [10.5]

Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!

Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
Towelie: You're a towel!
Book Publisher: No , I'm a big book publisher whos not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.

Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

Manbearpig [10.6]

Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!

Mr. Mackey:Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

(breif silence)

Kyle: Dick Cheney?
Mr. Mackey: No, no the last one.
Butters:Bill Clinton?
Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.

(silence, no one knows who Al Gore is)


Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!

Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.

Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!
Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.
Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.

Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
Cartman: You...have that kind of power?

Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more man-bear like.

Al Gore: Excelsior!

Al Gore: Kids I saved you.
Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use 'ManBearPig' as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single handedly killed Manbearpig is a loser.

Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists—I'm cereal. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you. I'm super cereal. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The end.

Al Gore: I'm super cereal.

Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm cereal?

Cave Ranger: Ok fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Here is a snake hanging from the ceiling (shows penis made out of rock), and here is a mozzerella stick with two bowling balls and wearing a helmet (shows penis and testicle combo), and over here we have the twin sisters. (shows two penis & testicle combos)

Tsst [10.7]

Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
Jimmy: What's my last name?
Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.

Cartman: God-dammit, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!

Cesar Millan: TSST!!

Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
Kenny: [Mumbles] Fuck you.

Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
Cartman: [said in British accent] No thanks, I'd rahther naught.

Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from heeell!

Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!

Cartman: Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!

Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!

Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and... I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
Cartman: Could I have....two Mega Rangers?
Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.
*Camera focuses on cartman and damein music plays*

Make Love, Not Warcraft [10.8]

Cartman: [the male dwarf warrior (red)] Aww, dude, I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle:[the female human mage, green] We're over here, by the cart!
Cartman: (approaches) OK, sorry guys.
Stan: [the male human warrior (blue)] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fat-ass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fricking girl!
Kenny: [the human hunter (has quiver)] [mumbles] I think Kyle is kinda dressed funny. Ha Ha Ha.
Cartman: Heh-eh, totally, heh-eh.

Randy: Stan! Stan!
Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants something.
Randy: Stan!
Stan: What?!
Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend, shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
Stan: I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people logged in from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!
[pause]
Randy: [Hurt] I'm not an r-tard.

Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!
Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I'll bet half these people are Koreans.

Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.
Jim: No. No! They just started playing!

Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
Blizzard executive: How do you kill that which has no life?

Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?
Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're going to explore the Tower Of Azora together.
Nelson: Is that a computer game?
Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG, these are real people i'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. I can chat with all these other people, I can ever wave to this guy see? (waves to another player, who waves back) Hello! In the outside world I'm a simple geologist... but in here, I am Valkorn, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargodeep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's Landing...

(Jenkins the greifer appears and kills Valkorn, leaving Randy in shock)

Nelson: Hmm, looks like that guy just killed you. (walks away)
Randy: What? Why? Why!?

Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?
Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
Clyde: All right, I'll do it!

Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a N00B!

Randy: Stan! Stan!
Stan: Dad? Not now!
Randy: I've been sent here... to bring you THIS. (Holds up Sword of 1000 Truths) This sword will completely drain his mana!
Stan: Dad! How did you get that?!
Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
[time passes]
Randy:Umm, how do you hand items from one player to another?
Stan:You go to your Inventory Screen! Ctrl-I!
Randy: OK.
Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: (receives sword) I got it!

(Jenkins kills Randy's character)

Stan: Dad!
Randy: (weakly) Stan.
Stan: (To Jenkins) You killed my father. (strikes Jenkins) Yahh!
Cartman: His Shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle: Attack!
(Kenny shoots Jenkins with arrow, Kyle with a fireball. Jenkins falls to ground. Cartman approaches.)
Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned! Raahhh! (smashes Jenkin's head with hammer)
(Jenkins at home stares at his computer in shock)

Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
Cartman: [pause] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
Butters: Oh, well, all right, then.

Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and right click!

Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the world of Warcraft.
Developer: No! No-o-o-o!!

Sharon: He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.
Mike Morhaime: Stupid?

Randy: Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!
Sharon: So what?
Mike, Rob, and Randy: So what?!

Rob: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?
Mike: No, I have a life!

Cartman: God fucking damn it!

Stan: That was such uber-pwnage!

Liane Cartman: [after Eric chicken slaps her] Oh! That's a big boy, isn't he?

[Having saved the World of Warcraft by playing World of Warcraft non-stop.]
Stan: I can't believe it's over. What do we do now?
Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Cartman: OK, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hotbar.

Cartman: "Thats why we just need to log in and stay in the forest killing boars."
Kyle: "Boars?"
Cartman: "Theres lot of computer generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow."
Kyle: "Dude, boars are only worth 2 xp a piece, do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?"
Cartman: "Yes. Sixty five million, three hundred forty thousand, two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks, five days, thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say guys? You can just hang outside all day tossing a ball around or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters."

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce [10.9]

Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

[Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are standing in the school hallway.]
Kyle: You know that 1/4 of Americans are retarded right?
Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4.
Kyle: Here, let's do a test. [to Cartman] There are four of us here, you're retarded, that's 1/4.

George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
Kyle: Really?
Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
George W. Bush: Too late.
[Head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head.]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: No way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missle. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
Kyle: Really?!

Mr.Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school janitor, M'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.
[Children laugh.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!

Head of the conspiracy group: You don´t understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
Kyle: "Code 234."
Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.

Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn--
[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video.]
Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The case of the World Trade Center conspiracy.

Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
Clyde: I dunno.
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!
[Clyde begins to chuckle.]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!
[Clyde starts laughing.]
Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade! Come on in, please, I'm trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a duke in the urinal!
Clyde's Dad: Mr Mackey, there's something you should know.

Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.
[Students laugh.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.

Mr. Mackey [to Stan]: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face!
[Stan laughs.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy [10.10]

Cartman As The Dawg: Go with Christ, brah.

Various men: Nice…

Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, damn!

Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
Kid: What?
[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process.]
Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?!
[Holds up the bear mace for the kid to see.]
Cartman As The Dawg: This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, brah. Go with Christ.
[Cartman starts to walk away.]
Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--?
[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen.]

Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up.]
Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
Cartman As The Dawg: Brahs, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[Long silence.]
Stan: Wow.
Kenny: Really?!
Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, brah, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[Long pause.]
Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.
[Cartman starts to walk off.]
Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.
[Cartman pauses.]
Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's personal.

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
The fear of darkness is all around you
The criminal are on the run
Now you better bring your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The hallway monitor

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
I got some bad-ass guys to help me
I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again.

Cop: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now.
Cartman As The Dawg: That's cool, I'm done making my video anyways.

[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.

Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy way or we can do it Dawggie style.

Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
All Policemen: (pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar) Oh my God! (Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook).
Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher-what is his name?
Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
Sgt Yates: (sounding surprised) a woman? But she's ugly, right?
Kyle: No, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
Sgt Yates: (even more surprised) the blon?
Kyle: Yeah.
Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Kyle: Yeah.
Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yes.
Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Officers: Nice.
Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! (policemen laugh)
Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! (policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off)

Butters: Hey there Mr. Weiner, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.

Hell on Earth 2006 [10.11]

Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
Satan: What?
Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a crocodile hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!
Satan: Oh jeez (Walks across the party to a guest in a crocodile hunter outfit) Erm, er, dude, the whole crocodile hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, He only died a few weeks ago! It's just not cool, gotta leave.
Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the crocodile hunter!
Satan: Oh. oh but then dude, no costume, Sorry you're gonna have to go!
Steve Irwin: (Being dragged away) Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!

Satan: (having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake) It's not about them, it's about me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!!
Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk!

Satan: (to crowd) Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realise that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.

Butters: But Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Diddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Diddy had one.
Satan's minion: Does it matter?
Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Diddy did it.
Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
Satan: (to hotel owner) did Diddy do it?
Hotel owner: Diddy did do it.
Satan: A full ice cream bar!
Hotel owner: Diddy did it.
Satan: Dammit, what didn't Diddy do?!

Go God Go [10.12]

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Science damn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.

Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Stan: It's still three weeks.
Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Kyle: Will you shut up already?
Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. [speaking of evolution] It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with itsmutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this retard fish-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey wearing a and, that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel!! Congratulations!
Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore!! [runs of screaming]
Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.


EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.

Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her pants]
Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!
[Garrison defecates in her hand.]
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a fucking monkey!!
[She throws feces at Dawkins' face.]

Go God Go XII [10.13]

United Athiest League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

[Richard Dawkins runs out Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she had a sex change.]
Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!

K-10: I missed you, bark bark.
Eric Cartman:Suck my balls K-10, I'm not in the mood

Stanley's Cup [10.14]

[The county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm.]
County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is...[record scratch]...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!

County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle! And his only way out is to coach...[record scratch]...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.

Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
Number 8: By myself?
Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
Number 7: What does 'passing' mean?
Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
Number 6 (Morgan): I did not!

Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.

Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.

Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...

Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.