South Park/Season 11

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With Apologies to Jesse Jackson [11.1]

Randy: Oh, alright, I'd like to solve the puzzle. Niggers!

Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
[Cartman's entering the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson.]
Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Cartman: Oh... Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!
Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Cartman: Oh, oh, oh, oh! If we should get, like, eight of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they'll build a dam!
Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
Cartman: Barely!
Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!
Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me... I was just joking.
Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.
Dr. Nelson: Ahh!

Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N word.
Token: So black people are midgets?
Stan: Goddamit!

Token: Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of black people.
[Token walks away.]
Stan: [long pause] . . . He told my dad he was . . .

School kids: [Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.
Cartman: HEY! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
[Cartman starts laughing. Again.]
Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: Alright, alright, who is the fricken genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy:Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind.

I'm a person, I'm a man. But no matter how hard I try. People just say 'Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy.' Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name, 'Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy. STOP!' Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate, try to bring me down, ohh up, you're too late. Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just 'Nigger Guy.' [Pause] Respect.

Cartman Sucks [11.2]

[Cartman's scrapbook shows Butters sleeping with a mustache made of cat poo, with the caption reading "THE PIERRE 3/10/07]
Cartman: This picture, I'd like to call The Pierre. I invited Butters to stay the night and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. (He flips the page) And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. (Another picture shows Butters sleeping with a tampon in his mouth like a thermometer) I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual". This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae." (he caresses another picture, which we cannot see) I really like how the light plays with the background on this one.
Kyle: Is this all you brought us here to see?
Cartman: Oh, no, there's much more. (He flips the page) Let's see--Oh yes, look at this one: I call it "New Moon Rising." (The pictures shows Cartman hanging his butt over Butters' face) I did a whole study using my ass. (Another pictures shows Cartman's butt over Butters' face from the left side) Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. (The next picture shows Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters) Trying out some...different light filters here. (The last shot looks faded, with Cartman's butt directly on Butters' face) But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because going to be my coop de grass.

[Cartman performed his latest trick on a sleeping Butters, which has Butters' penis in Cartman's mouth]
Cartman: You guys! I got it! It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh, my God!
Stan: What'cha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! (He cracks up at his own cleverness)
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. (The other three crowd in and look at the picture) I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh, man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Uh, what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
'Cartman: (Looks more closely at the picture) Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Yeah-huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: (muffled) Ha ha, that makes you very fucking gay.
Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No-no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! (Seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away) What--What can I do? How--How can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: No-no wait. I--I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: (in low voice) Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Cartman: Shit, I gotta find Butters! (He runs off)
Kyle: Idiot.

[Butters is playing with his toys]
Butters: Help me/I thinking I'm falling in love with you.
[Cartman enters the room]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fucking awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: Oh, boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Butters: Oh, okay!
[Cartman grabs a bandana from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. (He makes sure the blindfold is on snugly)
Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? (He rushes off to get the toy box)
Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
Cartman: (under his breath) All right, that's good. (He undoes his pants) Okay, open your mouth, Butters. (He lowers them) That's good, just like that.
Butters: (now wary) Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh, stick something yicky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yicky in your mouth. (He lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut)
Butters: Okay!
Cartman: All right, you ready? (He grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own penis) All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
[At that moment the door opens and Steven, Butters' dad, enters]
Steven: Butters!
Cartman: Uh! (He quickly gets dressed up)
Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!
(Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away)
Steven: Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters: I'm getting a surprise! (He points to his mouth)
Steven: Oh, my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! (He takes the blindfold off of Butters)
Butters: (looks around) Hey. Where'd Eric go?
Steven: (quite concerned, on bended knee) Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Butters: Like what?
Steven: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
Butters: What'
Steven: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.
[Linda, Butters' mom, appears at the doorway]
Linda: What's going on, you two?
Butters: Nothing Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. (He smiles)

[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters' penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. (He steps aside as Kenny receives the ball)
Kyle: Okay, my turn. (Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him)
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: (throws up the ball) Where's what?
[Cartman grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently]
Cartman: You know god damn well what!
Kyle: Let go of me!
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! (He shakes Kyle again) What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
[Cartman rolls up his sleeves]
Cartman: Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it!
[Cartman stretches his arms left and right, then up and down]
Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, (He puts up his fists as if to box) I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, (He then points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny) and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! (He points to Stan) Stan, you're a Jew, (He then points to Kenny) and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Cartman: Ow! (He puts his left hand over his right arm) Ow! Aaargh! (He grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming)

Lice Capades [11.3]

Mrs. Garrison: Alright students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school, which we need to talk about.
Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.
Kenny: (What? Fuck you!)

[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]
Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?
Clyde: I have... I have AIDS.

[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [students attack Kenny]
Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

The Snuke [11.4]

Hillary Clinton: What is going on Brian?
Brian: Ms. Clinton, It appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your sniz.
Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.
Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
Brian: But then that means-
Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice it gives me super bad farts.

Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
Kyle: Hey.
Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.
Kyle: What's going on?
Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Kyle: Homeland Security?
Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?
FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?
Homeland Security Head: I am.
FBI Head: Yeah, well not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On who's orders?
FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. Alright, people from now on you're answering to me.
President's Staff Head:Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! *Akward silence in room*

Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian Terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.

Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off depressed]

Alan Thompson: The game is over, get down on the ground!
Vladimir Stolsky: How did they find us?
Alan Thompson: We know about everything. You're diversion to help the redcoats is over.
Vladimir Stolsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In three minutes.
[Power outage]
Vladimir Stolsky: What the hell?
SWAT Team Member: The power went out.
Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
[Power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]
Vladimir Stolsky: Oh, crap.

Fantastic Easter Special [11.5]

[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall, resembling Santa Claus in Christmas]
Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
Easter Bunny: Uh... don't you think that's....
Cartman: No no! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
[Camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
Cartman: [happily] Bye Easter Bunny!
Easter Bunny: Oh my God!

(Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's Mansion and sneak up behind butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them)

Butler: MR TEABAG, GET OUT!!! (ninjas kill him)
Stan: They found me!!
Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. (opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder) Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. (goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps.)
Ninja: (distantly) check upstairs (Teabag puts peeps into oven) kitchen's clear, try the office! (Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door) In here... (ninja follows and notices peeps in oven) What's that? (peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes) PEEPS!! (oven explodes. Explosion kills Teabag, ninjas and destroys mansion).

[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
Jesus: We have no choice Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: What!
Jesus: Stab me with this! [Shows Kyle the Nail file], if I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: No way, Do it yourself.
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy, there's no choice here Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, You don't understand, I'm a Jew, I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.
Kyle: Don't make me do this.
Jesus: My son there is no time, DO IT!
Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: I understand, and Kyle ... Happy Easter.
Kyle: Happy Easter Jesus [Stabs Jesus in neck]
Jesus: [Makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Kyle: Jesus?

D-Yikes! [11.6]

[Mrs. Garrison "defends" a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]

Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in, man?!
Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever--
Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
Persian Messenger: Look pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy."Les Bos"!

[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the slow motion. The Persian Messenger responds by screaming in agony in slow motion]

A fellow messenger: How dare you!

[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a-la Oracle Girl from 300

Mrs. Garrison: Scissor me timbers!

Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissor or something.

Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [Mrs. Garrison sighs] I'm gay.
Stan: Again?

Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.
Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?
Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

Night of the Living Homeless [11.7]

Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! [turns around] Yes!
Kenny: (Ye-es!)
Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle: God damn it, that wasn't my idea!

Randy: Wah-h-h! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crown of bums] No-o! I don't have any change! I don't have any cha-a-a-nge!! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.
Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
Chris Swollenballs: What the? You can't be in here.
Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest I don't. I don't have any! [a PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up and the station goes off the air]

Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Damn it! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?
Bum 12: Change, sir?
Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
Steven: What happened?
Randy:[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving
Bum 14: Is that... is that some spare change?
Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance
Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum rattles his cup a bit]
Bum 14: Spare some change?
Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Bum 15: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
Kyle: What's it doing?
Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
Cartman: Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]
Cartman: Awww, now it really smells like Kenny's House
Kenny::[muffled] Dude, stop fucking talking about my house.
Cartman: Kenny, relax man. We all gotta stick together.

Homeless Woman:Do you have any change, sir?
Cartman: NO, FUCK OFF!!!! [Cartman then slams the door]

Kyle: Hi. [Bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new X-Box game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [Bum stares] Listen, I.. I want you to take this. It's twenty dollars. [Kyle gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
Bum: [Pauses] Got anymore?
Kyle: [Smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
Bum: [Turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
Kyle: You're welcome. [Turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk...]
Bum 1: Spare some change?
Randy: No, sorry I don't have any change.
Bum 2: Got any change?
Randy: No, sorry. [Bum follows him]
Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
Randy: [Looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]
Bum 4: Cha-a-a-ange?
Randy: Ah! I don't have any change! [Bums begin to surround him]
Bum 5: Change?
Randy: No!
Bum 6: Cha-a-a-nge?
Randy: [Runs off]
Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!!
Bum 7: Alright, God bless you, sir.
Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [Runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ah-h-h! [Runs off due to the bums following him]
Bums: [Following Randy] Cha-a-a-a-nge, cha-a-a-a-a-nge! [Zombie-like tone]

Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: I just gave you change!

Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Le Petit Tourette [11.8]

Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
Cartman: Dick tits!
Mrs. Garrison: [pauses for a few seconds] --when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrison: --And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
Cartman: Splooge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
[The whole class giggles]
Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh; it makes me feel insecure about my illness.
Mrs. Garrison: Alright, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers --
Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
Kyle: Will you knock it off already!
Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike!
Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
Craig: If I could yell, "Tampon dick shit" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Thomas: Aw, shit! Cock! [his tic]

[After Kyle's visit to the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]

Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!! [his tic]
Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: I'm sorry!
Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of--! [cuts himself off]
Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Sheila Broflovski: Oh, thank you, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!!
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!!
Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!!! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman: (To Thomas) Isn't having Tourettes awesome!? (Thomas raises an eyebrow suspicously)

Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! ...and people will call me brave.

Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. God damn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls!

Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]
Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]
Cartman: How does he do that?
Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you "shot yourself."

Thomas: Stupid shit!

Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 2: Dateline?! [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

More Crap [11.9]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner on the screen saying "Emmy Award-Winning Series" appears]

Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa-a-a, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa-a-a! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Doh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!!! O-o-oh! Oo-hoo. [begins to sob from relief] Oh-h-h, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow! huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He--Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?

Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.
Randy: You're welcome.

Stan: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?
Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do that?
Stan: Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
Bono: I have the first place trophy for that.
Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan: So?
Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.
Stan: He's the record.

Herr Broloff: I'm sorry Mr. marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

Imaginationland [11.10]

[Shortly after everyone witnesses a leprechaun disappear]

Cartman: Kyle... SUCK MY BALLS! [holds up contract]

[At the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.]

General: [somberly] Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news. Yesterday, at approximately 18:00 hours, terrorists successfully attacked... our imagination. [the other officials there look around and murmur at each other]
Male Official: Our imagination?
Female Official: How?
Specialist: The imaginary attack appears to have been in the works for years. The effects of the attack are so far... unimaginable.

General: Gentlemen, the terrorists appear to have complete control of our imagination. It's only a matter of time before... our imaginations start running wild.

Cartman: [as the plaintiff, with a lawyer] I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt. [Kyle is the defendant, without a lawyer] A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, as to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls! [the judge can't believe what she's hearing] I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to!
Judge: [looking at contract] Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles?
Kyle: [shocked] I...
Judge: Is this not your signature on the contract?
Kyle: Uh...wuh-uh...but...come o-- come on, really? I mean, a-aren't there more important things going on right now?
Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds.
Cartman: [with an elaborate fist pump] YESSSSSS!
Judge: You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. If after that time you still refuse, the court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case! [bangs her gavel]
Cartman: Thank you, Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me; this is a victory for the justice system. ...And my balls.

General: Those aren't ideas, those are special effects!
Michael Bay: I...I don't understand the difference.
General: I know you don't -- get him out of here!

General: And being that we are all big Mel Gibson film fans, we thought maybe you could help us.
Mel Gibson: Aww, my nipples they HURT! They hurt when I twist them.
General: Yes, umm, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists.
Mel Gibson: How 'bout this. You have that video tape that the terrorists made right? Well maybe if you did a background check on that video tape you might find somebody who doesn't belong. Somebody who doesn't fit in Imaginationland. [twists nipples] AWW!
Lieutenant: Hey, that's not a bad idea.
General: Yeah. Say what you want about Mel Gibson but the son of a bitch knows story structure. Get the video tape and do a background check on everyone in it.
Mel Gibson: [twists nipples] AWW! YES!

Imaginationland Episode II [11.11]

[Cartman on a bus suddenly waking up]

Old Lady: Are you ok kid?
Cartman: No, I've got dry balls. And I'm running out of time.

Squirrely Squirrel: Now come on y'all, we can't waste time arguing, there could still be survivors out there: we need to hunt them down, and kill them.
Rabbity Rabbit: And eat their flesh!
Beavery Beaver: First we should rape them!
Beary Bear: How about we kill them and then rape their body so we can use their blood as lubricant?
Squirrely Squirrel: Say, that's a great idea, Beary Bear
Critter Creatures: Yeah!
Jason Voorhees: Man, I don't wanna meet the kid that dreamt those things up.

[when the evil characters want to kill Strawberry Shortcake]

Squirrely Squirrel: Whoa! Whoa! Hang on, y'all! You can't just kill her, that's not evil enough.
Freddie Krueger: What do you mean? We cut out her eyeball!
Jason Voorhees: Yeah, that's super-hardcore!
Squirrely Squirrel: Now come on, y'all, we can do better than that.
Beavery Beaver: Hey, I know, let's all pee in her empty eye socket!
Deery Deer: Let's make her eat her own eye ball and then pee in her empty eye socket.
Beary Bear: How about we get someone with AIDS to pee in her eye socket, so she dies all slowly?
Critter Creatures: Yeah!
Minotaur: Nobody here has AIDS!
Critter Creatures: No!
Beary Bear: But we've got to have AIDS before we pee in her eye socket!
Squirrely Squirrel: Now don't be down y'all, I bet we can find some AIDS down the forest!
Critter Creatures: Yeah!

Cartman: Well, well, well, here we are, Kyle. You tried to bail on our agreement but I found you.
Kyle: I didn't bail -- I got picked up by the government!
Cartman: Well, we're here now. That's all that matters. [takes out a bowl of nuts] Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right, I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in a few minutes.

Doctor: (raising the defillibrator) Clear (zaps Kyle, who is lying on the ground in a lifeless heap) I'm sorry, he's gone. (sad music starts playing)
Cartman: No, Kyle can't die!
Doctor: (sadly) I'm sorry, young man.
Cartman: (whining) Kyle?
Doctor: (sadly) Well, at least he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
Cartman: No-o-o-o-o! No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! (Pounds Kyle's chest) Come on Kyle! Come on, buddy! (pounds harder)
General: He's gone, little boy.
Cartman: Zap him again! Do it!
Doctor: Charging...
Cartman: Do it!! Come on, Buddy...
Doctor: Clear. (zaps Kyle again with the defillibrator. He remains a lifeless corpse).
Cartman: (shoves doctor aside) Get out of here! (pounds on Kyle's chest desperately while scientists start crying around him) God damn it, Kyle! You've never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight! (hits Kyle's face) Fight! Fight! Right now! (General looks near to tears. Cartman bursts into tears while pounding Kyle's chest) Fight! Fight!!!! (hits Kyle's neck and he starts coughing incredibly hard. Cartman laughs with relief while relief spreads to everyone else in the room). Get him some air. (a doctor hands him an oxygen mask, which he pumps into Kyle's mouth. Cartman speaks softly) Breathe, breath easy.

Imaginationland Episode III [11.12]

Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us... with the intent to wipe us all out.
Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?
Woodland Critters: (cheering) Yea!
Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must not fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy, only you can help us win the battle.
Butters: W-What can I do?
Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
Kyle: Because I--Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. (Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else)
General: (touched by Kyle's speech) Abort the sequence. (scientist aborts sequence)
Cartman: So, Kyle, Imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all...(Kyle looks angry) And you know what that means Kyle...
Kyle: (snaps at last and yells at Cartman) Just let it go with you fucking balls already, you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?!! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! (grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck) You got that?! (pushes Cartman back) They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck you balls-- (punches Cartman lightly) EVER! So there!!!

Kyle: Oh god...
Superman:Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball sucking.

Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded!
Stephen Stotch: Oh, yes you are!
Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]
Stephen Stotch: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded!
Butters: Aw, shit!

Guitar Queer-o [11.13]

[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]

Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?
Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [He takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son."] [sings] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soarin' ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.

Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there -- quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
Kyle: Oh my God!
Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet him?
Stan: Are you serious?!
Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
Jay Cutler: [next to two women in bikinis in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!
Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
Jay Cutler: ...Thanks.

Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.
Thad: 'Sup.
Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?
Thad: Yup.
Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.

Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship!
Stan: That isn't it at all.
Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!
Stan: I know...I need you.

[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]

Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!
Craig: How was that cheating?!
Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!
Stan: [After a long silence] ...That's it?
Kyle: Goddamnit. Goddamnit. [they walk away]

The List [11.14]

Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.

Cartman: When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls!
Butters: OK!

Cartman: OK, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls don't have balls.
Butters: (In a sling with a black eye) They sure don't.

Butters: Mom! Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in class! Kyle Broflovski is!
Stephen: Well good for you, Butters!
Linda: Way to go, champ!
Butters: Whoopee! [runs off]
Stephen: Well, guess we won't have to ground him.

Stan: That didnt sparkle with her, did it?

Wendy: (To Stan) This is a nice surprise. I thought you weren't speaking to me anymore.

Girl 1: (Wendy has just revealed their secret) You just couldn't let it go.
Wendy: (Surprised) What do you mean? Call the girls in!
Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
Girl 2: (Gets off her seat) Did you know, Wendy that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but (in an evil voice) we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
Wendy: (Horrified) You knew?!
Girl 2: (takes a package out of a file) Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one (points to the package).
Wendy: (angry) So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes!? How Dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both de-sparked from the list committee!!!
Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorised the buyout? (shocking music plays)
Wendy: No, not Bebe.
Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!
Stan: (confused) What's going on?
Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna -
Girl 1: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply generate a new list "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
Girl 2: Do yourself a favour, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
Wendy: (coldly) I don't think so. (kicks girl holding list in the crotch. She howls and drops the list. Wendy grabs it) Stan, Run!
Stan: Jesus, dude!! (runs after Wendy)

Clyde: (noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past) Hey Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super ugly too, but look what he accomplished! (Pats Kyle on the back) Chin up, Cowboy! (approaches a girl) Hey, what's goin' on? (girl starts speaking in the backround)
Butters:(to Kyle) Hey! Nice...Nice Ears Haha! Pizza Face! (runs off laughing)
Clyde: (Ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily) Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy: Stan, It's been really great hanging out with you again (Stan smiles). I feel like you've changed somehow (Stan smiles more broadly) in a really awesome way.
Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...Change, don't they? (happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to the two's faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face twice.)

(Deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times.)

Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[Back at school, Cartman is sitting at the ugly kids table in the cafeteria.]
Cartman: This is bullcrap!
Butters: (Yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing) Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg across your face?
Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! (Realizes what kind of person he is, and gets dejected.) Oh, goddamn it. (He bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray.)