South Park/Season 2

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A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.
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This is a section of the page South Park.

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus [2.1]

[Terrance farts]
Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!
Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!

Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God!
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.

Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?

Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]
Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ah! Stop that!
Phillip: Don't give me cancer!

Scott: I hate you both and I wish you had cancer!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: Yes, in the head.
Terrance: Head cancer? No, we beg you!

Scott: What are you two idiots doing?
Terrance: We're searching for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of sex that can't be described?
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure!

Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut [2.2]

(Kenny appears out of nowhere)

Stan:(blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air) Oh, hey Kenny.

Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!
Kyle: You bastards!

Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
Nurse: So that would make the fetus--
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.

Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.

Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.
Film Producer: Good Christ! Are you people diabetic or what?!

Chickenlover [2.3]


[Officer Barbrady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says)

Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says "sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed!

Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word, and because of this shit, I am never reading again.

Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B minus.

Mayor: The chicken-fucker struck again last night.
Officer Barbrady: Please Mayor, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chicken-lover."
Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weather's prize chicken. She's catatonic.



Randy Marsh: Uh yes officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
Randy Marsh: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir
Randy Marsh: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Step out of the car, please
Randy Marsh: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!

Ike's Wee Wee [2.4]

Stan: Boo!
Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry, m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again.
Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again, m'kay.

[the boys laugh]

Mr. Mackey: I don't need to take your right-wing authoritative bullshit, m'kay?

Dr. Shwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just going to snip it to make it bigger!

Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about. And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Stan: Naturally.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your crazy penis-chopping family!

Conjoined Fetus Lady [2.5]

Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in China.

Cartman: I love you guys.
[Stan and Kyle stare at him]
Cartman: Ah, screw you guys!

Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.

Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the dead fetus-- I mean gravy?

City on the Edge of Forever [2.7]

Ms. Crabtree: Be quiet back there! The roads are slick!
Stan: Hey, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hm-m-m, let me see. No!
Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] Be quiet back there!
Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman: [now baiting] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whoole cake. Oh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.

[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]

Ms. Crabtree: God! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] Oh, for Christ's sake, I don't believe this! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk". She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman: [exhausted] I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but, but, but, but I'll try.
Kyle: Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] What did you say?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Hold on! Aaaaah! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
Kids: Aaaah!
Kyle: I'm scared!
Ms. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!

[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]

All: Aaaah!

Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?
Stan: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."

Summer Sucks [2.8]

Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how's your summer going?
Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison. How are you doing?
Kyle: Hey, where's Mr. Hat?
Mr. Garrison: That old thing? I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat anymore.
Stan: That's cool.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle: Yep.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is not real.
Stan: Right.

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all black]
Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whip all yo' asses!

[the snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?
Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

(The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake)

Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Getting bigger?(looks at the women surrounding him) Well children, I never thought I'd say this but--well--fudge ya. (hangs up) *Singing* Simultaneous, you and you!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Really? Wow!

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls [2.9]

Cartman: Independent films are those black and white hippie movies, they're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[from one of the independent films]
Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys.

Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Say, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em! Sucka my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

[Chef has just fed his concoction, known as Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You damn right.

Chicken Pox [2.10]

Gerald: (reading) "My Final Solution by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps" (stops reading) WHAT!? (continues reading) "If we get rid of them, there will be no one but the wealthy, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, cause they'll all be dead. The End." My God, what have I done?

Clubhouses [2.12]

Roy: Stan, you wanna help me cut some firewood?
Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough firewood for twelve years!
Roy: [Tormented] When will you let me in?! When will you let me love you?! [Normal] Now get your ass down here and help me!

Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!
Cartman: Fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: What?

Mrs. Marsh: What are you doing, sweetie?
Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and—-
Mrs. Marsh: You men are all alike! First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead Stanley, get your god damn cookie!
[she leaves]
Stan: Okay.

Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.
[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
Kyle: Sick bitch! Fucking kissed me!

[Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
Stan: No, I just—-
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me—-
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

Mr. Mackey: School is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
Stan: What's a skylarking?
Mr. Mackey: You know, tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Mr. Mackey: Your parents, are here for you--
[Stan's parents enter]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Mr. Marsh: Skylarkings?

Cow Days [2.13]

Cartman: (the boys have decided to enter him into a bullriding contest) What makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
Kyle: (grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth) Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides fatass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!

Chef Aid [2.14]

Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whorin' myself to every woman in town!

Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!
Cartman: Not quite.

(Repeated line)

Record Exec: I am above the law!



Johnny Cochrane: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself; What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Johnny Cochrane Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! (Jury member's head explodes)

Spookyfish [2.15]

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
Kyle: Why?
Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
Cartman: What the fuck is that?
Kenny: It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: (singing)You guys are my best friends! Through thick and thin, we've always been together! Four of kind, having fun all day, pallin' around, and laughing away. Just best friends, best friends are we!

Cartman: (Singing) You guys are hella stupid, you guys are hella lame, you guys are hella dumb, hella, hella, hella!
Kyle: Damn it!

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! [2.16]

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it ain't Palmoral, you'll gonna get cancer.

Gnomes [2.17]

Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence]. Phase three: profit!

Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like moldy diarrhoea!

[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you!
Cartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny.

Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18]

Stan: Great job, you killed Kyle!
Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
Stan: Why the hell not? It's just like calling the sky blue!

Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!

Kyle: [about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!
Stan: His name is Gorac!
Frozen Man: My name is Larry, actually.