South Park/Season 3

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It is vanity to desire a long life and to take no heed of a good life.
Thomas γ Kempis
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Rainforest Schmainforest [3.1]

Stan: Ah! A snake!
Kyle: No dude, that's a branch.
Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!
Kyle: No dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan: Ahhhhhh!
Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?
Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]
Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
[Stan screams and runs away]
Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?
Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.
Pablo: Now, now you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
[coral snake chokes Pablo to death]
Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!
[coral snake starts to eat Pablo]
Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us alright.
[coral snake continues to eat Pablo]
Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he dead?
[coral snake excretes remains of Pablo]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: My guess would be yes.
Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now don't panic children.
Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs from coral snake that's chasing him]

Kelly: (to Kenny) Lenny, can I tell you something?
Kenny: (muffled) uh huh?
Kelly: I think I like you.
Kenny: (muffled) Really?
Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny: (muffled) Wow, that's great!
Kelly: (sadly) No, that's not great.
Kenny: (surprised) That's not great?
Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!
Kenny: Awwwww!

Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm starving to death!
Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?
Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.
Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my lord! Where are all the others?
Cartman: Food! I have to have food!
[Cartman collapses.]
Worker: Oh my god! Get this child some food quick!
Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.
Worker: Chicken wings!
Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Kelly: Oh, stop! I wanna go home! I HATE the rainforest!
Kenny: (stops and hugs her) Come on, it'll be alright.
Kelly: (desperate for more affection) Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
Kenny: (frustrated) Oh, FUCK YOU!!!

Kelly: (to Kenny) Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. (moves over to Kenny and they cuddle, with Kelly showing herself the middle finger)

Kelly: Ok, Lenny, in order to keep up our long distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.
Kenny: Ok. (lightning bolt strikes him)
Kelly: Lenny! No!
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You Bastards!
Kelly: (desperately) What? Who killed him?
Stan: (embarrassed) uh, they did.
Kelly: Who's "They"?
Kyle: They are, they're bastards.
Kelly: (desperately) Well don't just stand there, help him.
Kyle: (confused) Help him?
Kelly: Argh! (Pounds on Kenny's stomach) Breathe! (presses her lips against his and gives him CPR) breathe! (pounds on his stomach some more. Through clenched teeth) Breathe you-son-of-a-bitch! (Kenny coughs. Kelly looks relieved)
Kyle: (shocked) Whoa, dude!

Spontaneous Combustion [3.2]

Kyle: I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom.

Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?

Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!

Stan: What are you doing, Dad?
Randy: Stanley, I think its best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
Stan: No, he's not, he can't even get an erection!
Randy: Heh heh heh! Really?

Mayor: Marsh- I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
Randy: Or else what?
Mayor: Exactly!

Priest Maxi:Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
Stan: The what?
Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you reeanct the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

Stan: Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

Cartman: I'm gonna be Jesus!
Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
Cartman: Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
Cartman: Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you guys, I'm going home!
Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
Kyle: All right, all right, you could be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

[Randy's dream]
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Chef: I got something to tell you.
Cartman What?
Chef: You're not gonna like it.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It's really gonna piss you off.
Cartman: What?
Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
Cartman [Wakes up]: God damn it!

Priest Maxi:Blessed be the name of Jesus!
Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?

Cartman: [To Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!

[after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Cartman: Officer Barbrady, get me off this cross!
[Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]
Officer Barbrady:Ooh, a T.. T...for turtle.
[Walks away]

The Succubus [3.3]

Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn right, Garrison!

Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
Woman at front desk: Chef?
Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.
Stan: And a chef's hat.
Kenny: [mumbling] And a big huge dick.

Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you god damn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own god damn money!"
Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Tweek vs. Craig [3.4]

Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!

Cartman: I guess you don't want to hear what he said about your mom?
Craig: Nope! (slams the door shut)
Cartman: (surprised) God damn it. (knocks on door again. Craig answers again) Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
Cartman: Nothing much, just that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed every night.
Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Mr. Adler: Well that was fun, Pearl. I'll see you later.
Home Ec teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Mr. Adler: Why?
Home Ec teacher: Well, I was hoping you would--at least attempt to--make love to me tonight.
Mr. Adler: I can't.
Home Ec teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me, why?

Jakovasaurs [3.5]

Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov.]
Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here Jakov.
Jakov:[pause] Whoo-oo-oo-oo, Niners!
Jakov: Ga-a-a-a-a-a-a-wo-o-o-o-o-o-p!!

Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman: [disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?

Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box (teases Ned a while) Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
Ned: (in an Irish accent) Aah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. (realises he's got an Irish accent) what in the devil is this, then?
Jimbo: Ah, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned: (still in an Irish accent) Oh, what a bloody pickle this is, did you keep the receipt then?

Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

Sexual Harassment Panda [3.6]

Sexual Harrassment Panda Song:
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there…
Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle: Do you?

Sexual Harrassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

Sexual Harrassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.
Bartender: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: No! I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Harry the ‘don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

A worm: Hello there, boys.
Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
The worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
The boys: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Stan: …Thanks a lot, dude.
A pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Cat Orgy [3.7]

Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!

Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.

Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley…When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley Shelley

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub [3.8]

Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No.
Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

ATF Agent: We're not gonna let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Jewbilee [3.9]

Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.

Kyle: He doesn't get cake?
Moses: No cake for the impurity!

Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.

Starvin' Marvin in Space [3.11]

Stan: This is great!
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off theme music.]
Stan: Yeah, that's better.

Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!

Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

Kyle: Wait, i think i can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They dont want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because its bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklers to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.

Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery [3.12]

Radio announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! (singing) You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Stan: Christmas?
Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.

Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to an donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan: Yes you can, porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
Cartman: God damn it, Mum!

Stan: Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, two, three! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
A voice: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle: Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it is.

Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm scary Grandma!"

Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond: Yep.
Sheila: What?!
Brunet: Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila: Hoh, dear God!
Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond: No, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila: O-o-o-o-oh!
Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond: Brace yourself.
Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Brunet: Do?
Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.

Jonathan Davis: Alright, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
Stan: How do we split up?
Jonathan Davis: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
All of Korn: Okay!
Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Hooked on Monkey Phonics

Rebecca: Still, I would like to try this...kiss. (Kyle turns round, relieved) so I can write about it. (Kyle comes and sits down next to her again) So how do we do it?
Kyle: I'm not really sure.
Rebecca: (turning her head towards him) Perhaps we should look it up.
Kyle: (turning his head towards her) no, I think it's something we should try a few times... (leans in closer) until we get it... (leans even closer) right... (They lean in and kiss quickly)
Rebecca: wow... Wow, that was great... (she grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately)

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics [3.15]

Cartman: Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus [3.16]

Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth.]
Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
God: What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

World Wide Recorder Concert [3.17]

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
Patron 3: Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Patron 7: Yeup.
Patron 8: Me, too.
Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just… talking about a son.
Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 3: Sure.
Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.