South Park/Season 4

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My happiness derives from knowing the people I love are happy.
Holly Ketchel
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The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000 [4.1]

Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.

Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Square in the nuts.

Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mum!
Liane: Yes, Eric.
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that--well--there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mum, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mum?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just--
Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

Gerald: Oh, hello, son.
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
Gerald: Kyle--
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Waaaah!

Kyle: Alright, let's go.
Timmy: Go! Timme-e-e-e! (Shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard)
Kenny: (howls. He is pulled out of his Parka) Aargh! (groans)
Cartman: (laughs) Look guys! I can see Kenny's little Pingling!

Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant, half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it....
Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
Announcer of the ADA: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!
Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!
Announcer of the ADA: (all laughing) Oh Mr Foley! You realise how ridiculous that sounds?!
Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!
Announcer of the ADA: Where?
Dr Foley: In Montreal.
Announcer of the ADA: (more laughing) And where, pray, is this 'Montreal'?
Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Announcer of the ADA: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your 'wild goose chase', and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
Dr Foley: I will! (leaves)
Announcer of the ADA: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device...

Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 [4.2]

Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat arse!
[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Others: Nah.
Cartman: Sweet.

Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Timmy 2000 [4.4]

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.

Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder
Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.

Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.

Cartman Joins NAMBLA [4.5]

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

(outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance)
Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. (sobs): I just wanna go home and take a-a hot bath!

Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because…they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.

Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!

Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. (stares at Clyde Frog) Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! (looks on computer) Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! (types a message under screen name 'BigBoned') Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and- (he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys). Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.

[online conversation]

BigBoned: Hi Tony!
Tony316: So what R U into?
BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) (Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face')
Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? :) (Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face')
BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) (Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face')
Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@:) (Cartman: 'clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!')

Cartman: (searching online for a new friend) Okay let's try this again. (typing) Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to- (interrupted again by even more online 'friends'). Oh, this one looks good. 'Hung Daddy'. (typing) Hello, Hung Daddy.
Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. (typing) Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Pip [4.6]

Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?
Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!


Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time...and by gay, I mean happy, not penetration of the bum!

Cherokee Hair Tampons [4.7]

Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. (aside to Mr. Hat) Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- (Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk) Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? …oh, Mr. Hat!

Chef Goes Nanners [4.8]

Stan and Kyle: Hello Chef.
Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore children, I converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam?
Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!

Wendy: Bebe - I'm attracted to Cartman.
Bebe: Aaaaaaaaahhh!!
Wendy: I know…

KKK: (chanting) White power! White power!
Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a Hot Shower.
KKK: (chanting) Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!

Jimbo Kern: (whispering) Alright, Ned, we gotta be careful, these are really evil men we're dealing with here...
Ned Gerblansky: (in a loud voice (because of his voicebox)) Ok...
Jimbo Kern: (whispering angrily) Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned Gerblansky: (in loud voice) No.

Klan Leader: Now brothers it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!
KKK: (conversing) Oooooh, Cake Raffle!
Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4
Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!
Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.

Something You Can Do with Your Finger [4.9]

Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to fingerbang and that's alright! Cause Im the king of fingerbang and lets not fight. Im gonna fingerbang bang you every night. Im gonna fingerbang bang you every night!

Cartman: You guys, i had a dream on how i can make ten million dollars. You ready?......Boy Band.
Stan: Boy Band?
Cartman: Boy Band
Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!!!!

[(after Wendy's audition)]
Cartman: That was good, Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Stan: Hey Cartman, what does 'fingerbang' mean, anyway?
Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny: (laughs) That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does 'fingerbang' mean then?
Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
Cartman: ...What?? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?!

Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? [4.10]

Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Cartman: Jesus was made of… crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?
Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: No no no no!
Butters: Well what are we eating then?
Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
Stan: No no no I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals... So he turned himself into crackers. And then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No?!
Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
Boys: Okay...
Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Cartman: Oh come on now this is just getting silly.
Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.

Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Stan: He's doomed.

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?

Probably [4.11]

[Cartman is warning the other children about Hell]
Ms. Cartman: Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!

[Cartman preaching behind the schoool]
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8 year old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord! God bitch slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell!

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?!
Mexican: Qué?

[Cartman preaching in Church]
Cartman: Friends. I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave.
Children: gasp
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of hell and he described what hell is like in horrid detail. He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He says that in hell... Everyone speaks Spanish!
Children: gasp
Cartman: He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your arse for seven hours!
Children: gasp
Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them!
Children: gasp

Random Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
Random Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.
Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Mormons were the correct answer.
Orientation Attendees: (collective groan)

Chris: Satan!
Satan: Chris!
(they run to embrace each other)
Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?

God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.

Trapper Keeper [4.12]

Bill Cosby (robot): (Drawing a gun) Well, that does it!
Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
Bill Cosby (robot): I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Kyle: Oh, ok.
Stan: That's fine. [Pauses} No, wait!
Bill Cosby (robot): What?
Stan: Can I do it?
Bill Cosby (robot): Oh well, I suppose. (Hands gun over to Stan)
Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye fat boy!
Bill Cosby (robot): Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
Bill Cosby (robot): I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Stan and Kyle: Oh.


Ike: I pooped my pants!

[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fatass.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!

Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!

Officer Barbrady:Now there's two of those things!

Helen Keller! The Musical [4.13]

[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher.]
Kyle: How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.

Cartman: Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!

[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and earmuffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images.]
Cartman: Oh, man!
Maynard: What did you see?
Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.

Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.

Pip [4.14]

Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?
Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!

Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time!...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!

Fat Camp [4.15]

Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"!
Stan: Ok. Hi Chef. Nice day isn't it?
Chef: Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Counselor Rick: Hello camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off Rick! How are you?

Cartman: Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!
Mr. MacKey: Now Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: Except for me, I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort of.
Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny's look-alike. You bastards!

Cartman: Mom tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned, but then they got thinner as they grew.
Liane Cartman: Oh, those were just lies, sweetie. You're just fat.

Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan: Did you like the old one?
Kyle: Good point.

The Wacky Molestation Adventure [4.16]

Kyle: What I understand is that you two really screwed me over! Why should I have to listen to you?!
Gerald: (angrily) because we're your parents.
Kyle: (furiously) Well, I wish I didn't HAVE any parents! (storms off)
Sheila: (shocked) Kyle?!

Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
Cartman: Something bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!

[Song that convinces Castro to convert to democracy.]
If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind
That is my one and only wish

Linda: Hello what's your name... What, What do you want?
Little girl: We wanna play.
Linda: Mark I'm scared.
Mark: Don't be scared they're just kids. Where are your parents.
Little boy: We already played with our parents.
Little girl: Now we wanna play with you.
Mark: OK, I'm scared now too that freaked me out.

A very Crappy Christmas [4.17]

(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Hey there good lookin', what's your name
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) Butters Ma'am.

(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Well Butters would you like to slap my titties around?
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) (smiles) Oh Well! Uh (sad expression) no thanks Ma'am I'll get in trouble again. (Puts cut-outs away)