South Park/Season 5

From Quotes
Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self. To be damned is for one's ordinary everyday mode of consciousness to be unremitting agonizing preoccupation with self.
Iris Murdoch
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This is a section of the page South Park.

It Hits the Fan [5.1]

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?

Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!

Mr.Garrison: Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?

Cartman: I said "shit" on television.

Stan: But they're gonna say shit and you're gonna miss it.
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.

Jimbo: Why can't I say 'fag' if I wanna say 'fag'?

Garrison: Well they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.
Randy: You mean I can't say *beep*?
Garrison: No, see you got beeped.
Guy: You mean you have to be a *beep* to say *beep*?
Garrison: Yep.
Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say fag. *look of shock*
Randy: didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh-oh
Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You wanna go make out or something?

(The boys in the library searching for the cause of people vomitting out their intestines))

Cartman: (with urgency) You guys! Look here! (the group rushes over) In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nacy went to the beach and got sand in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
Kyle: Dammit I'm serious!
Cartman: So am I Kyle..with that sand in your vagina, you're a ticking time bomb.

Cripple Fight [5.2]

Cartman: Cripple fight!!!

Cartman: [over PA] Attention shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.

Randy Marsh: You do not say "big silly goose", you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: All right! Fine! (to Cartman) Asshole.
Randy: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole you big son of a bitch!

Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"
Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!

Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in scouts for years.
Stan: Was your dad in scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Timmy: Timmah!
Jimmy: Not this year!

Jimmy: Timmy, I told you. Put on the hat! (punches him in the stomach)

Jimmy: You dirty motherfucker!

Super Best Friends [5.3]

Butters: I don't think I'm happy. I fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Magic Workshop Leader:...right.
Butters: And in the morning, I wake up to the sound of my own screams.

Stan: Kyle?!
[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him.]
Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [off screen and in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: Kyle? Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [still off screen in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my god, they killed Kenny!

Cartman: (to Stan and Kyle) Aaah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you wanna get a room so you can make out (kiss) for a while? (laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls) Ow! (Stan kicks him) Aargh. (both boys kick him in the balls in turn) Stop it! Aaargh!

Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: God damn it I'm not going with you, I wanna stay here.
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.

Scott Tenorman Must Die [5.4]

Thom Yorke: [In response to why the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!

Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: (through a mouthful of chilli) What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chilli? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation.]
Scott: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chilli, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used.] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned.] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed.] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents.] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down.]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.
Scott: and dad are...dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins.]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away.] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [More faces of horror behind Cartman.] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman.] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh, my God! [Gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away.] Oh, my God!! [Vomits off to the side.]
Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are stunned.]
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [Pounds the table.] No! No-o-o! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices.]
Thom: Um, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.
Scott: [raises his head] Jesus!
Ed: Jeez, what a little crybaby!
Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [The members of the band start leaving.]
Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil: Little crybaby.
Scott: [gathers himself and looks.] No, wait! Wa-a-i-i-t-t! Oh my God, Oh my Go-o-o-o-d!! [Buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Ye-e-s-s! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [Starts licking Scott's tears off his face.] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [Licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy, you guys! (fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris) be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow [5.5]

Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
Woman: Oh.

Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]

Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks.

Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!
Phillip: Yeah, whatever kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude!

Stan: Look! Youu guys that line isn't long!
Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!

Cartmanland [5.6]

Kyle: [speaking to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!

Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Cartman: What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
Stan: Dude, are you okay?
Kyle: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Kyle: (having discovered Cartman is Financial Genius) (gasps and coughs) Ooh! Aah! Ugh! (he flatlines)
Sheila Broflovski: (Shaking Kyle's lifeless body) Kyle? Kyle! Get the doctor!

Proper Condom Use [5.7]

Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing!?
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right now!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
[later, in Stan's room]
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No.
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.

Cartman: Butters, will you stop filibustering?

Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.

Stan: (him and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car) So, we meet again Jennifer Lopez.
Kyle: No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make anymore albums or movies!
Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. (He pulls out a magnifying glass, and uses sun rays to burn the doll).
Stan: Scream for me, bitch!!
Kyle: AHHH!!

(Jennifer Lopez's face melts off.)

Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!

Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: 17, you're ready.

Mr. Garrison: Now class who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?
Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom (pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo). First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth (which he does)...and apply (demonstrates on the dildo).

(one of the kindergartners starts to cry)

Mr. Garrison: And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it (camera fixes on Mr Mackey), they might have a bad opinion of it (camera moves to Ms Choksondik) or they might just be a complete pervert (camera moves to Mr Garrison).

Miss Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
Miss Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.

Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

(all the 4th grade boys go to the drug store)

Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!!
Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
Kyle: Yeah, quick!
Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
Male Pharmacist: Sorry kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should-
Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Mini's! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.
Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

(the boys are reading the condom instructions)

Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. (reading the disclaimer) If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses (actually STD's).
Kyle: What are studses?
Butters: the heck should I know? (opens condom) Why, it's just a little donut! (touches it) Oh,'s all gooey!
Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
Butters: How come I gotta go first?
Cartman: Butters, will you stop fuh-....filibustering?
Butters: Oh all right then. (turns around and pulls his pants down) Ohh, it's all sticky.
Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Ohh, I see. (Cartman looks over)
Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong!! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Suuuure...
Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
Butters: (fastening the condom with rubber bands) Ow! Oh...oww! Okay...ow! There ...okay, I think it's on.
Stan: How do you feel?
Butters: ...Pretty good.
Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's gettin' in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan: All right, here everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. And somebody's gotta help Timmy get his condom on.

Towelie [5.8]

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?

Cartman: Towelie, you are the worst character ever.
Towelie: I know.

Towelie: If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.

Cartman: You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!

Towelie: Oh man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.

Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants [5.9]

Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.

Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.

Stan's Afghan counterpart: (To the other counterparts) We're speaking in English; does that make sense?

CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.

Randy Marsh: Stan, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?

Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about (Looks at his watch) eight weeks now?

[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.]
Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a god damn Canadian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

How to Eat with Your Butt [5.10]

Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.

Jimmy: Why did the... pigeon cross the road?
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.

The Entity [5.11]

[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin (also called Kyle) for being Jewish.]
(Kyle's cousin = Kyle. Kyle Broflovski = Kyle 2)
Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, if you want to succeed in my class, you're going to need to learn how to concentrate, concentration is the key to...
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Kyle 2: Cartman!

Kyle Broflovski: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear THIS kid apart!!!!

Kyle 2, after seeing commercial for IT: That looks pretty gay.

Here Comes the Neighborhood [5.12]

Mr. Garrison:
Well at least we got rid of those god damn nig-

Why can't I be like all the other kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down
Please, God, send more rich kids…
To my…Town
I don't fit in anywhere.

Will Smith Jr:
…and P Diddy's kids; P Diddy Mini, P Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size

Kenny Dies [5.13]

Cartman: [on the phone] Oh please! You tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar. You tell me Chuck…yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck, I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman: I'm telling you, your making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Chef: Stan, sometime God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful god, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it! So he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way! If you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away! If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, it would have nothing to cry about! That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears! You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
Stan: I think I understand.

[Kenny has just died]
Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"

Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.

Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14]

Butters: [on seeing his dad 'wrestling'] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!

Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [Butters slaps his right hand with his left.]

Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn poontang.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some god damn poontang myself right now.

Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!

Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gooble Gobble, Gooble Gobble,One of us!"

Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!" [back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello", but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer!" [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Tell us what you know, you god damned liar!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "You know god damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you murdering murderers!" [a shot of O.J.] "Confess!" [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Confess!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.

Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle bleu-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.