South Park/Season 8

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You never enjoy the world aright, till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars.
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This is a section of the page South Park.

Good Times with Weapons [8.1]

Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.
Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!
Cartman: Oh, yeah? My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are snakes, and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.

[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star.]
Kyle: Stop, dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.

[Butters changes into Professor Chaos.]
Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! Mwa Ha Ha! Ah hahaha ha!
[He stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent.]
Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?
Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.
Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.
Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.

Jimmy: Wha-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?
Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!

Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you fucked it all up! Butters!
Craig: Was he bleeding?
Cartman: (uninterested) Yeah a little. Butters!
Craig: Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!
Stan: No, dude! You gotta help us find him!
Craig: To hell with that!
Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [Notices the open kennel.] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [Sighs, moves towards another dog.] Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.

Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.
Kyle: Yeah, we know.

Kyle: Okay, hang on guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.
Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try.
Kyle: God damn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!
Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.
Kyle: No, arsehole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?
Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.
Kyle: That doesn't count, fat-arse!
Stan: Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't get to have any powers!
[Cartman whines.]

Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villian!
Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
Kyle: [is turned into a chicken] God damn it, Cartman!
Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh...

Theme song while boys are fighting.

Japanese
素晴らしい チンチンもの
金玉の毛ある
それの音 サルボボ
いいえ!忍者がいます
Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
大切な物 protect my balls!
僕が悪い so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
この歌ちょっと馬鹿
わけがわからない
英語がめちゃくちゃ
大丈夫? We do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
大切な物 protect my balls!
僕が悪い so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

Transliteration
Subarashii chinchin mono
Kintama no kami aru
Sore no oto sarubobo
Iie! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
Kono uta chotto baka
Wake ga wakaranai
Eigo ga mecha kucha
Daijoubu, we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love…

English translation
I have a wonderful penis
There is hair on my balls
Is that the sound of a baby monkey?
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
This song is a little stupid
It doesn't make any sense
English is all fucked up
But that's okay, we do it all the time
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

AWESOM-O [8.2]

Kyle: Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Liane: [talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.
Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it Puppy love! Anymore?
AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls in love with a table.
Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it table of contents. God is there anything that this thing can't do?
Awesom-O Movie idea number 2305. Adam sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.

Military General Mister Scientist! You are paid to think! National security is our job.

Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake .
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]...You saw that?
Butters: Yeah and i videotaped him doing it
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O] No way.
Butters: I got the whole thing on tape even making out with Justin Timberlake.
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]Nuh-Uhhh

Up the Down Steroid [8.3]

[Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded to win the Special Olympics.]
Stan: Thats really, really, terrible dude!
Cartman: Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!

Jimmy's Father: I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating?. Its okay if you were.
Jimmy: Dad! Jesus Christ!

Cartman: [Pretending he's retarded] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys whats going on, derrrrrr?
[Long pause]
Kyle: God damn you.

The Passion of the Jew [8.4]

Cartman: This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!

Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!
Cartman: Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

Stan: Well, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.
Kenny: [Muffled.] Yeah, I agree.
[Truck horn honking.]
Stan: Oh, you've got to be shitting me...
Mel Gibson: Give me back my money!

Cartman: Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.

Cartman: Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!".
Woman: What does that mean?
Man: Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!

Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! [It's time for revenge!]
Crowd: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]
Woman: Oh, this is fun!

Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!

Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.

Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.
Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. (The others are outraged)

You Got F'd in the A [8.5]

Sharon Marsh: Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.
Randy Marsh: What?
Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.
Randy: Well, what happened?
Sharon: It's on.

[Stan is asking help from the goth kids.]
Goth Kid: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.
Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.
Goth Leader: I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.
Stan: Great!
[Pause]
Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.
Goth Kid: Yeah, we just got goth served.

Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?
Yao: You mean dancing with out a machine telling you what to do?
Stan: Yeah.
Yao: That's stupid.

Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!

Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces (points at Butters) and saying "Ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with lego until you're an old man.
Butters: (dangerously) Get out of my room, Stan.
Stan (moving to the door) fine. (opens the door) But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise (points to Butters) you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. (leaves Butters's room. Butters tries to continue with his lego, but gets frustrated and slams it onto his floor in a temper).

The Jeffersons [8.6]

Cartman: Well excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck on my fat hairy balls!

Mr. Jefferson: It's ignorant!
Mr. Jefferson: Hee Hee!
Mr. Jefferson: Chamone!

Cartman: Mr Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? (they move in for a kiss)
Stan: (waking up) Aaaaagghhh! (looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson)
Mr. Jefferson: (opens his eyes) What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. (shuts his eyes) Oh, Jesus.

Goobacks [8.7]

News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.

Redneck #1: They took our jobs!
Redneck #2: Took-er jerbs!
Redneck #3: Derka der!

Cartman: Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!

Woman: How much are oranges?
Gooback: Tree-fiddy ($3.50)

Weathers: (Reading from a letter) Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.

Gooback: (with difficulty) Iggen arndrij? (points to the chicken sandwich sign)
Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a god damn cheesburger and some god damn fries, you fucking goobacks!!
Randy: Stand Marsh!!
Stan: Ah--Ah!

Bill O'Reilly: On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.

Randy Marsh: Oh my God. Dey took ma jahb!
Stan: Dey took yer jahb!

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes [8.9]

Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!
Randy: Stan?
Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy: Stan.
Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
Randy: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.

Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents!
[Cartman slips into a trance.]
Cartman: Wall-Mart? are you speaking to me?…My friends…Trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.

Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle: Yu-Hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
[Kenny and Stan walk off.]
Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife.]
Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
[Kyle runs back.]
Kyle: I heard that!
Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Cartman: That's not what I said!
[Stan comes back.]
Stan: Dude, come on.
Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!!
Stan: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle: God damn it.
Stan: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Cartman: [offscreen] He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from suceeding!

Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.
Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.

Cartman: If you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you're gonna have to go through me.

Pre-School (South Park) [8.10]

Stan (as a toddler): Dude, let's play firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Totally dude, let's play fireman!
Cartman (as a toddler): Jews can't be firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman (as a toddler): Don't call me fat you stupid jew!


Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly -- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
Stan: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

(After the teacher gets injured)
Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?
Teacher: (two beeps, which is supposed to mean no)
Officer: "Yes, Yes". Take him away!

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset [8.12]

Paris Hilton: Another dog killed itself!

Paris Hilton: [opening her new store] Have fun girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.

Cartman: [Walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] Fuck you, Millie! Fuck you, Annie! Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck you Whatever-your-name-is!, a-a-a-and fuck you, bitch!

Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!

Man in Crowd: Whore off!

Randy Marsh: Oh, no, she didn't.

Woodland Critter Christmas [8.14]

Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.
Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?

Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you?
[Santa shoots him.]

Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!
Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.
Kyle: [voiceover] God damn you, Cartman!

Singing critters: What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!
Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!