South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a 1999 film based on the animated television series South Park. Directed by Trey Parker. Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady.

Eric Cartman

Liane Cartman: Eric, what is it?
Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Liane Cartman: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Hey, I can't say "pissed off"?! [gets shocked again] Ow!

Cartman: Mom, if you were in a German Scheisse video, you would tell me, right?
Liane Cartman: [pause] Sure, hon'. good night!

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a big dumb Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Kyle: Yes I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
Cartman: No, no, Kyle, don't be so hard on yourself.

Kyle Broflovski

Ike: Buh-buh-buh-buh.
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Ike is kicked through a window]
Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see. Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!
Cartman: Hey!

Kyle: Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Clyde: Course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now cause they made me have a dirty mouth!

Kyle: Ike, you have to stay in the attic, cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry Ike, we're gonna put an end to this. And then I'll make mom come home, and we'll be a family again.
Ike: I like baby's home. [starts playing harmonica]

Gregory: I'm here for la resistance.
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: I don't know.
Kyle: Guess!
Gregory: Um, bacon.
Kyle: Okay.

Kyle: You're late, Cartman!
Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your behind?
Cartman: I have to say behind cause I get shocked if I say ass. [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Kyle: You can't die! We can't leave without you!
The Mole: You must go on.
Kyle: No, we really can't leave! We don't know where the hell we are!

Kyle: Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?!
Stan: [to Cartman] Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up!

Stan Marsh

Stan: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
Sharon Marsh: A movie?
Stan: It's gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!

Stan: Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Shelly Marsh: All right, you turds! Listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?
[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan with it]
Stan: Ow!
Shelly Marsh: You just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records.

Stan: We're La Resistance. We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cock-sucking asshole, then I get grounded.

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: And the rope?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: And the butt-for?
Stan: What's a butt-for?
The Mole: For pooping, silly. (takes a drag on his cigarette, then blows smoke out)

Kenny McCormick

Kenny's Mom: Where do you think you're going?
Kenny: I'm going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Kenny's Mom: You can't. You have to go to church.
Kenny: But Mom, I wanna go see the movie!
Kenny's Mom: Well, that's just fine. You go ahead and miss church, then when you die and go to hell, you can ANSWER TO SATAN!
Kenny: Okay!

Terrance and Phillip

Phillip: Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What?
[Phillip farts]
Terrance: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip: Oh yeah!

Phillip: Oh, you shit-faced cock-master!
Cartman: Shit-faced cock-master.
Terrance: Listen, you donkey-raping shit eater--
Kyle: Donkey-raping shit eater?
Ike: Dopey-waping sheedeeder.

Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?
[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]
Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your own fart!
Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]
Terrance: Good one, Phillip!
Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.
Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV!
Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.
[silence; Terrance slaps her]

[Terrance and Phillip are in electric chairs]
Sheela Broflovski: Any last words?
Phillip: How's aboot, "get me the fuck out of this chair!"

Terrance: This is worse than the time I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Phillip: I know, Terrance. I know.

Dialogue

Theatre Clerk: Hey, wait a minute! Where's your guardian?
Stan: Huh?
Theatre Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in!
Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

Mr. Mackey: Here's a list of all the things they said.
(All the moms look at the list)
Sharon Marsh: Oh dear, God.
Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a Rimjob?!
Liane Cartman: Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass!
(Sheila frowns angrily at Liane)
Sheila Broflovski: Young Man, You will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
Kyle Broflovski: I-I-
Stanley Marsh: We can't tell you we all swore oursleves to secrecy!
Eric Cartman: It was the Terrance and Phillip Movie!
Stanley Marsh: Dude!
Eric Cartman: What?! Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here!

[at a spelling bee]
Teacher: The word is 'forensics'.
Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fuckin' spell forensics?!
Kids: Yeah!!!
Boy: Here you go! (writes on a blackboard) S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S! 'Forensics'.

Sheela Broflovski: So you saw that movie again?
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: (miserably) Yes.
Sheela Broflovski: Well, I've had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
Kyle: Grounded?!
Sharon Marsh: And you, Stan. Come on.
Liane Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Cartman: Hey, why am I grounded more?! That's fucking bullshit!
Sheila Broflovski: What-what-what?! What was that word, young man?! (echoing) ...word, young man?! ...word, young man?! ...word, young man?!

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein: I love you.
Satan: I want to believe that.

Saddam Hussein: Hey Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate.
Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend that I'm someone else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minnelli?

(Satan walks offscreen)

Saddam Hussein: Oh, don't get all pissy!

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid! [hangs up the phone] Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin: Nothing!
Billy Baldwin: Yeah, ha-ha!

[Air Force airplanes bomb the Baldwin residence. Only Billy remains standing.]

Billy Baldwin: Ha-ha, you missed me!

[he is then bombed, shutting him up.]


Saddam Hussein: Oh boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world!
Satan: [reading 'Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus'] This book is really interesting. It shows how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--
Saddam Hussein: Hey, that's interesting. Let's fuck!
Satan: [looking disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!
Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a realistic-looking dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!
Satan: Now, that is just not appropriate!
Saddam Hussein: Come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real! [throws the dildo away]
Satan: Well it's still inappropriate.
Saddam Hussein: [pulling out another dildo] Hey, Satan!
Satan: Agh!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah...yeah! Satan, this is getting me so hot! Come on, rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.

Jimbo Kern: Oh boy, military action! Ned, we're gonna kill us some god damn Australians!
Ned Gerblankski: I think we're fighting Canadians.
Jimbo Kern: Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

General: Fucking Windows 98! Get Bill Gates in here!
[Gates enters with guns held to his head]
General: You told us that Windows 98 would be faster, more efficient, and with better access to the Internet!
Bill Gates: It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]

Dr. Doctor: Kenny?
Kenny: Holy shit, dude.
Dr. Doctor: How you feeling, Kenny?
Kenny: (muffled) Like a sick animal.
Dr. Doctor: Good. Kenny, we have some bad news: we accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato; you have about five seconds to live.
Kenny: What?! [Kenny's blows up, spraying everyone with gore]
Cartman: Fucking weak, dude!
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Doctor: [tortured] Damn it, it never gets any easier!! (walks away whistling)

Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.
Liane Cartman: Eric!
Cartman: I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind!

Mr. Garrison: Okay, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on, children. Don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve?
Mr. Garrison: Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone?
Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
Cartman: [mocking Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice]
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me fat, you Fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?!
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about Fuck. You can't say Fuck in school, you Fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the Fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said Fuck again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[everyone else gasps]
Mr. Garrison: What did you say?!
Cartman I'm sorry, what I meant to say was-- (picks up a megaphone, his confidence returning) How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?!
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, frozen with fury]
Stan: Holy Shit, dude.

Stan: How can I get a woman to like me more than another guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just have to find the clitoris.
Stan: The what?
Chef: Whoops!
Stan: What does that mean, find the clitoris?
Chef: Just forget I said anything! Please!

Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's everything?
The Boys: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again.
Chef: Too bad.

Stan: Why did our moms have to arrest Terrence and Phillip?
Mr. Garrison: I don’t know, they’re probably just having their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I believe that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Mr. Mackey: Aaah! Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Stan: Um...
Kyle: We heard Mr. Garrison say them a few times.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt Mr. Garrison said "eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker."

Cartman: [patient B-5] My head hurts.
Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say 'doggy'.
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. Now say 'Montana'.
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good, now 'pillow'.
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say 'horse fucker'.
[Cartman hesitates]
Liane Cartman: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fuck--[gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow! That hurt, god damn it! [gets shocked by the V-chip again] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked by the V-chip a third time] Aaagh!!
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say 'big floppy donkey dick'.
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child does not want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair you sons of bi--! [gets shocked repeatedly]

Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: What's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.
Kyle: Really? So you can't say fuck?
Cartman: No.
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No.
Kyle: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?
Cartman: Fuck you! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Agh!
Kyle: Sweet!

Stan: Hang on, before you do, search for the word "clitoris".
Kyle: 8000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.
Stan: Wow.
Kyle: I'll just try the first one. [Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video. If you are under 18, do not—] Well, okay.
German [on computer screen] : Du hast Scheiße gern. (Translation: "You like shit.")
Kyle: Dude! It's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It is Cartman's mom!
German [on computer screen] : Essen mein Scheiße. ("Eat my shit.")
Ms. Cartman [on computer screen] : Alrighty then.
Cartman: Aw, son of a bitch! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!
[Ike enters]
Ike: Ba-ba-ba-bah.
Kyle: Get outta here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff.
Ike: Bullshit. [leaves]
Stan: What's she doing now?
German [on computer screen] : Essen mein Scheiße.
Ms. Cartman [on computer screen] : Okie-dokie.
[The boys stare at the computer, their eyes moving down until-]
All three [sickened] : Arrghh!!
Stan: [throws up in the corner] Click it off dude, click it off!! [Kyle does so] Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?!



Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew, well... I didn't mean it, you're not a Jew.
Kyle: Yes I am. I am a Jew, Cartman!
Cartman: No, no, Kyle, don't be hard on yourself.

Saddam: Let's start by building a big statue of me. Right over there where that fat kid is standing
Cartman: Ay! Don't call me fat, butt fucker!
(Shoots lightning out of hands):
Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fucking authoritah!!
Saddam: Ahhhh!
Cartman: Yipes.
Saddam: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: Dog Shit taco
Saddam: Quick, Satan! Do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size: blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry. I can change.
Cartman: Okay. (pause) ...Not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, God, butt hole, Barbara Streisand!!!

Stan: Mr. Garrison, how comes our mums arrested Terrance and Philip?
Mr. Garrison: Well, your mums are just upset, they're probably all in their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sorry Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Taglines

  • Uh oh.
  • It's not just another day in the park.
  • Uh-Oh, The Critics Love It!

Cast

  • Trey Parker — Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Satan/Mr. Herbert Garrison/Phillip Niles Argyle/Randy Marsh/Tom (news reporter)/Midget in a bikini/Ticket taker/Canadian Ambassador/Bombardiers/Mr. Mackey/Army general/Ned Gerblanski/Additional voices (voice)
  • Matt Stone — Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Saddam Hussein/Terrance Henry Stoot/Jimbo Kearn/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Additional voices (voice)
  • Mary Kay Bergman — Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testeberger/Clitoris/Additional voices (voice)
  • Isaac Hayes — Chef (voice)
  • Jesse Howell — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Anthony Cross-Thomas — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Franchesca Clifford — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Bruce Howell — Man in theatre (voice)
  • Deb Adair — Woman in theatre (voice)
  • Jennifer Howell — Bebe Stevens (voice)
  • George Clooney — Dr. Gouache/Dr. Doctor (voice)
  • Brent Spiner — Conan O'Brien (voice)
  • Minnie Driver — Brooke Shields (voice)
  • Dave Foley — The Baldwin Brothers (voice)
  • Eric Idle — Dr. Vosknocker (voice)

External links