Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don't set any condition.Arthur Rubinstein
- Written and directed by Richard Kelly.
- My character... he realizes that the apocalyptic crime rate is because of global deceleration. The rotation of the earth is slowing down at a rate of point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero six miles per hour each day disrupting the chemical equilibrium in the human brain causing very irrational criminal behavior.
- Three days. Three final days. It all ends tonight.
- I'm a pimp... and pimps don't commit suicide.
- The fourth dimension will collapse upon itself... you stupid bitch.
- Scientists are saying the future is going to be far more futuristic than they originally predicted.
- [to Boxer] I love you, Jericho Cane.
- Join us for an in-depth discussion of the penetrating issues facing society today. Issues like abortion, terrorism, crime, poverty, social reform, quantum teleportation, teen horniness and war.
- You know what, I like to get fucked, I like to get fucked hard. Okay, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I mean, violence is a big problem in our society today and I will not support it. That is the primary reason why I won't do anal.
- We're a bisexual nation living in denial. All because of a bunch of nerds. A bunch of nerds who got off a boat in the 15th century and decided that sex was something to be ashamed of. All the Pilgrims did was ruin the American Indian orgy of freedom.
- This is the way the World ends. This is the way the World ends. This is the way the World ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang.
- Proposition 69. To Krysta that number had one meaning, and one meaning only. To everyone else it was a proposition on the ballot to restrict the powers of the oppressive institution known as USIDent.
- Darkness fell upon the city. Neo-Marxist cells began to converge upon downtown.
- Revelation 21: And God wiped away the tears from his eyes, so the new Messiah could see out to the new Jerusalem. His name was Officer Roland Taverner, of Hermosa Beach, California. My best friend. He is a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide.
- Nothing an eight ball, a porn star and a tattoo parlor can't handle.
- Nobody rocks the cock like Cyndi Pinziki!
- When the shit hits the fans, it all smells the same.
- Roland Taverner: We're taking the ATM machine with us to Mexico.
- Roland Taverner: Sounds neat... How does he stop the global deceleration?
- Starla Von Luft: [to Boxer] The information that I have uncovered could get me killed. But it was a risk I was willing to take. The fate of the earth depends on you, Jericho.
- Starla Von Luft: [to Boxer] If you don't let me suck your dick I'll shoot myself in the head!
- Zora Carmichaels: You know... there would be a lot less violence in the world if everyone just got a little more cardio.
- Zora Carmichaels: Let's dry our tears and face our fears.
- Fortunio Balducci: Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval.
- Veronica Mung: Just 'cause it's loud doesn't mean it's funny!
- Serpentine: Don't look so scared, Mr. Santaros. The future is just like you imagined.
- Senator Bobby Frost: Did I just see two cars porking each other?
- Senator Bobby Frost: "Teen horniness is not a crime"? I never said it was...
- Dr. Inga Von Westphalen: Here we go round the prickly pear, prickly pear, prickly pear.
- Announcer on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, the party is over. Have a nice apocalypse.
- Krysta Now: Well, in my first six movies I was just Krysta, you know, but then in order to differentiate myself from the 76 other Krystas in the business I added the Now.
- Cyndi Pinziki: Wow.
- Krysta Now: Well, it's all about now, 2008, not next week, not tomorrow. If you wanna fuck me, you can fuck me now.
- Krysta Now: Can you keep a secret?
- Cyndi Pinziki: Yes.
- Krysta Now: I'm fucking a very large and important man.
- Boxer Santaros: There is no stopping what can't be stopped. Only God can stop it.
- Krysta Now: But The New York Times said: "God is dead."
- Vaughn Smallhouse: Are you Deep Throat 2?
- Krysta Now: Oh, I'm not in that movie.
- Boxer Santaros: Do you ever feel like there's a thousand people locked inside of you?
- Roland Taverner: Sometimes.
- Boxer Santaros: But it's your memory that keeps them glued together. Keeps all these people from fighting one another. Maybe in the end, that's all we have. The Memory Gospel.
- Pilot Abilene: Look, green you dream. Blue, in an hour you feel new. And you can forget all about mellow yellow and ancient orange, cause hey, I'm giving you blood red. Do you bleed? I said, do you bleed?
- Martin Kefauver: Yeah, dawg.
- Pilot Abilene: Well, then you take the Blood train. You talk to God without seeing Him. You hear His voice and you see His disciples. They appear like... like angels under a sea of black umbrellas. Angels who can see through time.
- [injects himself with Fluid Karma and gasps; hands hypodermic injector to Martin Kefauver]
- Martin Kefauver: Thanks, dawg.
- Dr. Linda Lao: Have you built the world's first perpetual motion machine?
- Baron Von Westphalen: The ocean is a perpetual motion machine. Fluid Karma is a simulation of the principles you see working right here. As long as the waves continue to crash, Fluid Karma will exist.
- Dr. Katarina Kuntzler: Quantum teleportation.
- Dr. Linda Lao: Explain the transport mechanism, that's all I'm asking.
- Dr. Soberin Exx: Uh, Fluid Karma works via the principle of quantum entanglement. Particles thus entangled will behave identically.
- Walter Mung: [selling weapons] What the fuck is this?
- Zora Carmichaels: What, you won't take a personal check?
- Walter Mung: No, I won't take a fucking personal check. Get the fuck out of my ice cream truck, you Cro-Magnon bitch!
- Dr. Linda Lao: Perpetual motion machines are machines that are supposed to disobey one of the laws of thermodynamics.
- Assistant: You're just reading a bunch of stuff you read off the Internet.
- Shoshana Cox: I have a question for the Supreme Court. What happens when a woman has sex on a flight from London to Los Angeles... then takes the morning-after pill while flying across the time zone?
- Krysta Now: I don't know.
- Shoshana Cox: Then it becomes the morning-before pill.
- Deena Storm: You are a genius!
- Shoshana Cox: Hello! Can't answer to that!
- Krysta Now: Holy shit! That is brilliant!
- Baron Von Westphalen: [after Serpentine cuts off Takehashi's hand] Clearly your attorneys didn't read the whole contract. It stipulates a six-inch margin of error in the cutting radius!
- Hideo Takehashi: Contract said finger only!
- Vaughn Smallhouse: You ever lost someone close to you, a loved one in a terrorist attack? 'Cause I have.
- Cyndi Pinziki: This may come as a shock to you, Mr Smallhouse, but I have lost two people in Abilene. Two of my four ex-husbands on a fishing trip, which they took every year to bitch about me.
- Roland Taverner: So, why do you wanna kill yourself?
- Martin Kefauver: I got drafted, dawg. Gotta go to Iraq, maybe Syria. Can't take that shit.
- Reporter#1: Thousands gathered to witness the maiden voyage of the Baron's technological marvel, Southland's newest wonder, the Treer MegaZeppelin.
- Reporter#2: ...at the hills above Los Angeles today, while on the ground, authorities are bracing the first riots since 1992.
- Reporter#3: You can see right there a car bomb went off just moments ago.
- Baron Von Westphalen: Our mission is to destroy Capitalism, dethrone God.
- Boxer Santaros: Officer Roland Taverner. That's who you want.
- Krysta Now: It had to be this way.
- Boxer Santaros: I know.
- Madeline Frost Santaros: How does it end?
- Boxer Santaros: A handshake.
- Have A Nice Apocalypse
- This is the way the world ends.
- The future is just like you imagined.
- This is the way the world ends - Not with a whimper, but with a bang.
- Warning: you are entering a domain of chaos.
- The Internet is the Future. The Future is Just Like You Imagined.
- Dwayne Johnson - Boxer Santaros
- Seann William Scott - Roland Taverner/Ronald Taverner
- Sarah Michelle Gellar - Krysta Now aka Krysta Kapowski
- Mandy Moore - Madeline Frost Santaros
- Justin Timberlake - Pilot Abilene
- Nora Dunn - Cyndi Pinziki
- John Larroquette - Vaughn Smallhouse
- Jon Lovitz - Bart Bookman
- Miranda Richardson - Nana Mae Frost
- Wallace Shawn - Baron Von Westphalen
- Kevin Smith - Simon Theory
- Bai Ling - Serpentine
- Holmes Osborne - Senator Bobby Frost
- Cheri Oteri - Zora Carmichaels
- Amy Poehler - Dream/Veronica Mung
- Lou Taylor Pucci - Martin Kefauver
- Janeane Garofalo - General Teena MacArthur
- Christopher Lambert - Walter Mung
- Zelda Rubinstein - Katarina Kuntzler
- Will Sasso - Fortunio Balducci
- Curtis Armstrong - Dr. Soberin Exx
- Michele Durrett - Starla Von Luft