Space Ghost Coast to Coast

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Space Ghost Coast to Coast is a spoof talk show on the cable TV channel, Cartoon Network. It began on April 15, 1994 and ended on April 12, 2004.

Space Ghost

  • "Great party, man!"
  • "You have a drinking problem, don't I?"
  • [looking at a Fire Ant] "I'm gonna follow him home...[pause]...kill his whole family."
  • "Ah yes, my documentary."
  • "I'm a knife. Knifin' around. Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut. . . ."
  • "No, I put him in my mouth and ate him."
  • "Who killed Walt Disney?!?! ...With a wrench?!"
  • "My audience is comprised largely of retired naval officers. Ahoy, gentlemen! I salute you! Mike, have you ever been to the Caspian sea? Some people think it's a lake, but they're so wrong."
  • "Open wide, lady liberty! Because Space Ghost is coming to America, today!"
  • "Chambraigne: It's shampoo for your hair, and your brain."
  • "I could make change for five dollars if I had to."
  • "You signed the contracts! Nobody forced you... much."
  • "Well, for one thing, I've never ridden on a barge."
  • "He was the wind beneath my cape."
  • "So, besides those teeth, what superpowers do you have?"
  • "That punk was supposed to be banned from the premises."
  • "I'll spank you smartly with my spank ray."
  • "Nobody cares, Moby! Nobody cares. No one."
  • "Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. [Pause] Moltar."
  • "Hmm, he's got a nice bony head."
  • "I've never eaten an omelet. Oh well. Hopefully there are omelets in heaven."
  • "My breakfast bars!"
  • "Oh, go grapple with your lever."
  • "Robotic space worm enters, destroys city. The end. Or is it?"
  • "Hey Donny... Where do we go when we die?"
  • "I'm from outer space, Moby. Home of the universe!"
  • "So Mike, have you ever actually watched my show?"
  • "Moltar, I think I would know if I ate a guest."
  • "Would you lose the title card? We're not doing Three's Company around here."
  • "I'm the one who flew around the galaxy saving planets, not you. Where do you get off being me?"
  • "Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! Architect of the future!"
  • "It should be someone just like me, only not dead."
  • "You better run, Joey!"
  • "Oh boy, the Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle."
  • "No, dummy, it's metal. Who eats metal?"
  • "So, help me or leave."
  • "Have you ever considered slathering yourself in hot honey mustard sauce?"
  • "Dance, mantis! Dance for Michael's pleasure!"
  • "I'm gonna get my own big shot lawyer and fight fire with napalm! Moltar? Phone book! Lawyer! Extrapolate!
  • "C'mon, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker."
  • "But I don't need to tell you that. [pause] Out loud."
  • "But who would want to sue lovable me?"
  • "Moltar, Michael doesn't want to hear about your silly personal problems. He's much more interested in doing one of his irreverant docu-comedies about me! Right, Mike?"
  • "And how about my generous biceps?"
  • "No, I'll tell you what's insane. Using laser beams for optometry. You call that progress?"
  • "I was dead long before you were born, Conan, and I'll be dead long before you're dead."
  • "Did you just call me a monkey?"
  • "I am Space Ghost, King of Space! And all it contains."
  • "Stupid chimp. Smelly eater of filth!"
  • "Ben, we love the idea! So we're going to pass. See, Moltar and Zorak just don't share our vision."
  • "Well, it's complicated, but basically I belong to God. That's right, Mike, God owns me. He speaks to me through His subsidiary, Time-Warner."
  • "Prepare for one of my harmful rays!"
  • "Ben, you've been making movies since before you were born."
  • "I really love these cards. They're a part of me. They've been along for the ride. What a ride it has been. I'd do it all over again if I could. But next time there would be a little Space Ghost to extend the family line."
  • "And now you must pay, you harmful hedge!"
  • "This show is a serious program, about serious issues, for serious, everyday Americans. And their giant piano playing mantis."
  • "Okay, I remember you were there. And you were talking to the man. The man, what was, what was... Rambo! And there were these... things..."
  • "You, sir, are thinking of Earth crime, galaxies away from me."
  • "Now Jeff, you claim to be an authority on red necks. And I notice that your neck is strangely pale."
  • "Welcome back, stupid viewers! You'll watch anything! Go ahead, change the channel. You'll be back!"
  • "Moltar is red, but he doesn't have a neck."
  • "Don't mind Zorak, Ben. He's just a squirrel."
  • "Joey messed up my show. So I messed up his face."
  • "I have a monkey."
  • "Tyra. Ra. That's the Egyptian sun god. I guess that makes you Egyptian."
  • "Shyster!"
  • "How 'bout a foot rub?"
  • "Why don't you sit still as I capture your essence with colored pencil!"
  • "Stop lying, Zorak! We're all so very sick of your lies!"
  • "You're not very talented. You have no hand-eye coordination."
  • "If you just want to go back to bed I'll understand."
  • "All these retro punks with their pale skin and their black clothes... their friggin' moist music..."
  • "You losers! No dinner for you tonight!"
  • "Ambulance chaser!"
  • "Doctor, break it to the universe how long I have to live."
  • "Where'd you get that sweater? It looks cheap. I hate it."
  • "He'll live. He always does."
  • "If's Marie's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock and roll, what's the rest of you?"
  • "I am Phantasmo!"
  • "My notecards have been de-sequencified."
  • "I saw a yard gnome once. It didn't scare me!"
  • "Can you all come down to jail and get me out of jail? 'Cause guess where I am." (pause) "JAIL."
  • "You little wimps make me sick. Do you want to go back to the home? Is that it? Huh?"
  • "Croutons are what make me tingly."
  • "I kept getting super hero parts, saving galaxies. I wanted more heroic parts, like Lassie!"
  • "Here's something about your culture you probably didn't know. Ra is short for Roger. Which is also a sports term, which, translated roughly, means cheers. Did you ever watch that show? It was pretty good."
  • "Hey, I just laughed. That is so brave of me."
  • "We would all like to do something, David. You want to know what I'd like to do, David?"
  • "I don't have any money!"
  • "I'm really creative. Sometimes I wear an eye patch, I'm so creative. Plus, I'm mysterious. People wonder about me."
  • "Say David, are you having trouble with your powerbands? I just saw you were having trouble with your powerbands."
  • "Dames are like mustard, they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... Mustard."
  • "I'm up for sitting by the pool while the jack rolls in!"
  • "This smells like the work of Zorak!"
  • "Zorak Robert, you show yourself this instant!"
  • "After I take my journey over the river styx I still want the name of my show to be Space Ghost Coast to Coast, so you're going to have to change your name to Space Ghost."
  • "So this place you're going, you'll be needing a lot of... things."
  • "Bears are crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it."
  • "...and that, kids, is how I saved Christmas. Now get back to work, you fat humps!!"
  • "I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer."
  • "Why, Zorak, why? You could have had any woman you wanted, but you chose the woman I love almost as much as I love myself! You ruined my life, you ruined her life, and now, I'm going to ruin your life!"
  • "Have you ever worked with a mantis?"
  • "Zorak is green... with evil."
  • "Ever get a big zit on your back?
  • "What do you mean by 'it'?"
  • "Oh, you know. They bugged me with their frenchness."
  • (watching 60's cartoon of himself) "Those stupid kids, why did I even bother?"
  • "All I know, Moltar, is that I'm trying to create a "Retardo"-free society."
  • "I like cake."
  • "Up the chain, Willie!"
  • "Bad director! Bad director!"
  • "Floating isn't funny!"
  • "What about croutons, David? I love them on a light salad."
  • "A grassmantis shake? Now if only we knew where to find a giant grasshopper..."
  • "Please don't take away Proud Larry."
  • "There's someone who's using their ass. Way to fart with your ass, Zorak!"
  • "You are now King."
  • "Actually, it's a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap."
  • "Being an Osman, you must have many arch enemies."
  • "Change screw to F*ck and your hired!"
  • "And now that I've beaten the legal system to a bloody, lifeless pulp, it's your turn! Sue me, will you?"
  • "Hoona Igna Chowa Neha!"
  • "Sometimes it hurts when I sit down. Is that bad?"
  • "You laughing at me, boy?"
  • [about to eat Zorak] "Pinch the tail! Suck the head! Use the vest as a napkin. Throw away the eyes."
  • "Squirrels don't win awards. Stupid squirrels."
  • "Can it be? Have I lost the gift of sight in not one, but both eyes?"
  • "Come on, kids. Can't we just get along?"
  • "Zorak? Is that you, my oldest and truest evil band leader? Oh Zorak, it is you! I can see! I can see! This is the happiest day of my life! [Zorak burps in his face] You probably think that's cool."
  • "No, Herbert. Your name is Space Ghost. Say it with me.
  • "I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly."
  • "See ya' at the auto show Adam..."
  • "Well, it's time for me to die. Ahh."
  • "Rebecca, turn off your inviso-power."
  • "Here's something else you might not know; Cheers was filmed in front of a live studio audience. Although I don't know if i believe that. Seriously, I don't."
  • (concerning Zorak) "Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield?"
  • "Johnny Confident! Whish! Johnny Confident! Whish!"
  • "Forget it, Moltar. It's Chinatown."
  • "Gentlemen, if I kissed you, would you understand that I was simply being...European?"
  • "Hello, little one. I shall name you Banjo! You are mighty small, little Banjo, and your flippers are tired, but one day...you will become 'Banjo: King of the Sea Monkeys'!!!"
  • "I swallowed a bolt once. Is that bad?"
  • "Ted Turner won't let us have pets in the studio...ever since Banjo...BANJOOOO!!!"
  • "Shut your yap, you stupid cricket."
  • "Storm's a' comin'."
  • "Put that in your pipe and smoke it! With your burnt lips!"
  • "A Sausage and Mayonase Soup, with a cream of corn omlet, [reffering what he had for breakfast one day]"
  • "Some milk I left in the sun for a week, [stil reffering his breakfast]"
  • "And some fuzzy bread. [reffering the last thing on his breakfast]"
  • "They invented the telephone?!"

Zorak

  • "Hey! You took my soul!"
  • "I'm up for a Peabody."
  • "Hey, where's the tub? Can I have this? Uh, that was broke already."
  • "I don't care. Go ahead and get sued. See if I care."
  • "What? This is my natural head of hair."
  • "Go fertilize yourself!"
  • "Listen, I'm in L.A. soon, so I need to sleep on your couch. For a whole month."
  • [blasts Space Ghost in the head with a laser gun] I'm back.
  • "Vengence is the refuge of the weak."
  • "Yeah, I'm ribald."
  • "You gotta fat rump!"
  • "Nice bush."
  • "Stuff you!"
  • "Is that a wig? Cause it sure looks like a wig."
  • "Yeah, yeah. What about the cats? He gave you cats, right?"
  • "You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once."
  • "Zorak is many things!"
  • "Yeah, I turned off my ears five minutes ago."
  • "I don't think I'd taste very good."
  • "No pants."
  • "Yeah, I'm evil."
  • "How 'bout a piano bench? I've been squatting for 4 years!"
  • "Simmer down there, Sandra D."
  • "Yes it was I! Zorak! Emerald Rouge! Wrong-er of rights! Pincher of sensitive areas!"
  • "He's better than a lawyer! He's a coroner!"
  • "You afraid of me? Afraid to have me in your house? Afraid I might... kick your butt, jerk?"
  • "Psst, Ben? You have a kind face."
  • "Hey, I'm bleeding!"
  • "Scaredy puss!"
  • "I'm not cute!"
  • "I just wanted to ruin Space Ghost's life."
  • "Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?"
  • "I am Zorak! Dark Lord of Iniquity! Bow down before me!"
  • "I am the Lone Locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky."
  • "I'm the hammer! Me! Zorak is the hammer! Zorak is the hammer! ZORAK IS THE HAMMER!"
  • "Yeah, Lassie's king!"
  • "I don't bathe. I carry many diseases."
  • "Where's Zorak? Here's Zorak! Here. Gone! I'm here, I'm gone!"
  • "What's wrong with my character?"
  • "Ohhhhh, so now there's a liqour store involved..."
  • "Gimme that sandwich!"
  • "Goodbye to you, my molten friend. We've known each other since we were in the pen. Together we climbed hills and trees, learned assault and battery. Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees."


Brak

  • "Well, you know, I wrote that song while I was eating some beans."
  • "I'm not rappaport.

Moltar

  • "I PUT THE DAINTY CAKES IN THE CAR!"
  • "You don't want me. I'd burn the roof of your mouth."
  • "Cue fire." [Kevin Smith is incinerated]
  • "Oh, did I say 5 point 8? I meant... 2... point... 3."
  • "So what's your forecast? Any black holes?
  • "Gary, can you come home with us and... be our new dad?
  • "You're very very interesting and very very perceptive... SO interesting and SO perceptive that I think we will now fight with KNIVES."
  • "You're not a real meterologist, are you, Mark. [pause] Well are you? [pause] You're freakin' me out here, okay? This is uncool. Most uncool.
  • "What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?"
  • "I'm being exploited!"
  • "Uh, no ingles."
  • "Ah, to be young again."
  • "The truth is, I know nothing about the plane crash, OR the whereabouts of Umberto Malzoni."
  • "Time to go to the commissary. Got to eat me some jello. I like green."
  • "Space Ghost is a monster! You should really blow the cover off this rat hole. Help me!"
  • "Hey man, don't stand on the floor. It's spoiled...like milk."
  • "All this bedlam around us, it's not a storm at all! It's a fair!"
  • "Oh, that makes sense. If you're yellow!"
  • "I'm not useless!"
  • "Dead man walking."

Misc.

  • Bobcat: "Wooh, Space Ghost, man! Crack a window, will ya!"
  • Tansut: "Well, my daddy always said theres nothing like a good stoagie to clean the pipes. Ya' know?"
  • Leonard Ghostal: "Shut your pie hole, Blip! Why, twenty years ago I woulda put your head in a half nelson, twisted it around, saying each letter of the alphabet on every turn, and then when I reached the first letter of my true love's name (that would be the lovely Elizabeth), I would yank your head clean off and roll it down the pike like a bowling ball!"
  • Lokar: "Space Ghost, it has come to my attention that I am pregnant."
  • Lokar: "Roll the crap, please."
  • Lokar: "Space Ghost is crap!"
  • Lokar: "Stand by for boisterous mirth!"

Dialogue

(Zorak and Moltar inside Space Ghost's house)

  • Moltar: "Maybe what we oughta do, is we die, and then we come back as zombies."
  • Zorak: "Just give the whole zombie thing a rest, all right?"
  • Moltar: "But zombies don't rest, see? That's the beauty. They feast on living brains."
  • Space Ghost (speaking to Zorak and Moltar through a megaphone outside his house): "ATTENTION! I HAVE THE KEYS! IT IS MY APARTMENT!"
  • Zorak: "Oh no, not the keys!"
  • Space Ghost: "IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY CABLE, PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT'S ON!"
  • Zorak: "What about our unreasonable demands?"
  • Space Ghost: "YOU DIDN'T LIST ANY. LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOVIE IS GOING DIRECTLY TO VIDEO. VIDEO PRISON!"
  • Zorak: "Oh, yeah! Well, we're sending Benjamin out in pieces!"
  • Space Ghost: "THAT'LL BE FINE. JUST DON'T TOUCH MY TV, OKAY? OR YOU'RE--KING DEAD! (clears his throat) SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL WATCHING?"
  • Zorak: "Hang on. It's,it's on, but we're not watching it."
  • Space Ghost: "YOU'RE WASTING IT! I'M COMING IN!"


Space Ghost: "You tried to steal my brain!"
Zorak: "Petty larceny."

Space Ghost: "I never touched France!"
Zorak: "Sure you did! You blew it up."
Space Ghost: "Oh, well, maybe I did. C'est la vie."

Zorak: "You dance like a woman."
Space Ghost: "I dance like a woman... if she were a man!"
Zorak: "Well... ya got me there."

Zorak: "My favorite episode of The Golden Girls is the one where they all took contaminated Geritol and died."
Space Ghost: "That was never an episode!"
Zorak: "Well, it should have been."

Space Ghost: "I could plead the Fifth."
Zorak: "If you could count that high."

Moltar: "Whoa! Looks like we're movin'!"
Space Ghost: "We ARE moving, Moltar. To America!"
Moltar: "And, uh, why are we doin' that?"
Space Ghost: "Because all the successful superheroes live in America."
Moltar: "Okay..."
Space Ghost: "It's really the only thing that keeps me from being the next Superman."
Moltar: "Are you faster than a speeding bullet?"
Space Ghost: "Well... no, but..."
Moltar: "Are you able to leap tall buildings with..."
Space Ghost: "Moltar, that's not the point."

Moltar: "Space Ghost, I'm picking up four unidentified heat sources on my monitor screen."
Space Ghost: "Well, they're probably just creatures, Moltar. Space creatures."
Moltar: "They just violated our airspace."
Space Ghost: "Bring me my monocle. I want to look rich."

Space Ghost: "Moltar, what's our depth?"
Moltar: "20,000 leagues, sir."
Space Ghost: "Take her to twenty-one."
Moltar: "Twenty-one? But... why?"
Space Ghost: "Because it's more fantastical."

Space Ghost: "Now, what about these beans?"
Moltar: "Those must've fallen out of my hair."
(pause)
Moltar: "Well, you're just making all this (bleep) up!"
(pause)
Moltar: "Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make (bleep) up?"
(pause)
Moltar: "Those are part of the dinner."
Space Ghost: "No they're not. They're part of the plot."
Moltar: "They were on the menu."
Space Ghost: "Murder is on the menu."

Zorak: "Moltar, take off your helmet... show me your true face."
Moltar: "Why?"
Zorak: "Because, I'm intrigued."
Moltar: "No."
Zorak: "C'mon... I'll be your friend."
Moltar: "NO!"
Zorak: "C'mon... I'll give you a dollar."
Moltar: "Okay..."
(loud hissing sound)
Zorak: "GOOD GOD!"

Space Ghost: "It's a free country!"
Snakefish: "Then you're still free to bite my ass, huh?"
Space Ghost: "Yeah, bring your snake-ass over here and say that!"
Snakefish: "I just did and you didn't do anything!"
Space Ghost: "I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country."

Space Ghost: "Will you please keep your mind on the music?"
Zorak: "I can't. It's mating season."
Space Ghost: "So, what's the big deal? Unless... Zorak, is it your first time?"
Zorak: "Don't be ridiculous. I've mated, uh, lots of times."
Moltar: "Wait a minute. That can't be true!"
Zorak: "And why not?"
Moltar: "Because your head's still attached to your body."

Space Ghost: "Zorak, where's your nephew?"
Zorak: "Who? Oh, um, I devoured him."
Space Ghost: "That's barbaric!" hungrily "Is there any left?"

singing the Twelve Days of Christmas
Council of Doom: "On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
Black Widow: "Leonard Nimoy Sings!"
Tansut: "Four quesadillas!"
Lokar: "Three reruns of "What's Happening!""
Metallus: "Two plus eight is ten."
Brak: "Hi, my name is Braaaak!"
Space Ghost: "Enough! That was pitiful!"

Moltar: "I want a chair. I want to sit down for a change. I want a chair that says "Moltar", and it'll be Moltar's chair. It'll be beautiful. That's what I want."
Zorak: "If he gets a chair, I get a puppy!"
Space Ghost: "All right, my little unhappy monkeys."

Zorak: "Hey...what's with the shark?"
Space Ghost: "That's been there...for over a year."
Zorak: "Oh. Well, I don't remember it."
Space Ghost: "Well it was one year ago today that I brought it in and said 'Here is the shark. I'll place it right here.'"
Moltar: "What did I say?"
Space Ghost: "You said you were so excited about this merger that you couldn't speak."
Moltar: "Uh...what merger?"
Space Ghost: "The merger between this talk show and that shark! I know I told you this."
(silence)
Zorak: "Well, I don't remember it..."
Space Ghost: "Look, that is Old Kentucky Shark and he has been there! Okay, Zorak and Moltar? Are we clear now?"
Zorak: "...yeah. You don't want me to play you to the desk?"
Space Ghost: "When have we ever done that? We've never done it that way. And if you think you're gonna to get sympathy from the shark, well then you won't. Stupid."

Tansit: "Is it bad if a chicken bites you?"
Space Ghost: "Did a chicken bite you?"
Tansit: "Well, no...but it's gonna."

Space Ghost: "Then go away from the chicken!"

Moltar: Oh how I hate you
Space Ghost: [pause]...acknowledged.

Space Ghost: What's overwhelming?
Zorak: The fact that the show wasn't real.
Space Ghost: No, I mean overwhelming! What does it mean??
Zorak: Uh...mmm...It's an...adjective - it, uh, means "extreme" or "great"...
Moltar: It means you're an idiot.
Space Ghost: [pause]...I see.

Zorak: Space Ghost?
Space Ghost: What now?
Zorak: I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Think of me when you look to the night sky.
Space Ghost: *sigh* I will...

Zorak: Space Ghost?
Space Ghost: What???
Zorak: I...have to potty.
Space Ghost: You should do that before the show! What are you, a child?
Zorak: No! I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Think of me when y...
Space Ghost: When I look to the night sky, yeah right...

Space Ghost: So this is what you're up to! Prepare your heiny for another blast from the Spank-Ray!!
Moltar: NO!!!
[Spank-Ray]
Moltar: Enough!
[Spank-Ray]
Moltar: Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: Crack a window?? I'd be violently sucked into space!
Moltar: Heh, then maybe people would tune in...

Zorak: I'm a mantis.
Space Ghost: You're a locust!
Zorak: Look me up - I'm a mantis! Lokar is the locust.
Space Ghost: *shuffles through papers* Say! You ARE a mantis! I've been calling you a locust all this time!
Zorak: You were??
Space Ghost: Yes, don't you pay attention?
Zorak: No!
Space Ghost: Well, thanks a lot Mr. Mantis - you're so important over there with that keyboard and everything and YOU don't have to pay attention because the Mr. Mantis is WAY too important to be the sidekick, isn't that right, Mr. Mantis?
Zorak: *long pause* ...What?

Space Ghost: Forget him, my fair nanny, he's but a lowly proletariat.
Zorak: Actually, I'm Episcopalian.

Zorak: I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Think of me when you look...
Space Ghost: Oh! Now you're a locust again! Well silly me, I thought you were a mantis.
Zorak: Uh...I am!
Space Ghost: "I am the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse"...wait, no! Better yet, "I am the Lone Fill-In-The-Blank of the Apocalypse"! How about that, Zorak? Leave enough room for ya there? Hmm?
Zorak: But...
Space Ghost: And how about you start wearing a shirt to work from now on, Jack?
Zorak: I wear a vest!

Space Ghost: Are you guys as hungry as I am?
Zorak: Mmmm...hungry like, "Hungry Jack" hungry?
Space Ghost: No! Hungry like a muscled up G.I. Joe after a tough day in the chopper!

Space Ghost: Zorak, where's your nephew?
Zorak: Who? ...Oh. I devoured him.
Space Ghost: THAT'S BARBARIC!! ...is there, uh, any left?
Zorak: Um...*suppressed burp* uh, no.
Space Ghost: I'm gonna miss the little guy...

Space Ghost: Heard any good haikus lately?
Moltar:

Smell the burning flesh
Taste the tangy sulfur air

...Volcano season
Zorak:

Mantis, green and strong
Deadly pincers razor sharp

Waiting for his chance
Space Ghost:

Eh...floating asteroid
Uh, need to buy some school supplies

Eh, you're soaking in it...

Moltar: Umm...I think your cat's dead, man.
Zorak: Poke it with a stick!
Space Ghost: He's not dead...is he?
Moltar: [long pause] Smells really dead.
[Space Ghost sniffs the air.]
Space Ghost: Eww! I-I think the flies are mating...on top of Marty...that's what's happening...

(waiting for a lawyer) Space Ghost: Perry Mason... Moltar: Matlock. Matlock. Space Ghost: Perry, Perry, Perry, Perry... Moltar: Matlock! Zorak: QUINCY! [silence] Moltar: Quincy's not a lawyer! Zorak: He's better than a lawyer, he's a coroner! Space Ghost: Whew Mama, am I nervous. I'm sweating like a Trekkie.

Interviews

Steven Wright

Steven Wright: "Who else is going to be on the show?"
Zorak: "Your guts."
Steven Wright: "Oh."

Denis Leary

Zorak: "Wow, Denis Leary! I've seen all your movies."
Denis Leary: "Thank you, thank you."
Zorak: "I didn't think they were very good."

Space Ghost: "Who do you think you are?"
Denis Leary: "I think the universe knows who I am, Space Ghost."
Space Ghost: "Then who do you think the universe knows I am, Denis?"
Denis Leary: "Space Ghost. And I'm Denis Leary, master of the universe."
Space Ghost: "Master? I know one or two guys who might disagree with you... master!"
Denis Leary: "Like who?"
Space Ghost: "Yoda."
Denis Leary: "Okay, who else on the list?"
Space Ghost: "Star Wars."

Dennis Miller

Space Ghost: "Hey, have you heard my famous story? It starts in a couple of minutes. Beat. A long beat."
Dennis Miller: laughing "C'mon, what, do you need an edit point, Space Ghost?"
Space Ghost: "The race war had begun."
cartoon stock footage of missiles and robots appears
Space Ghost: "Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next.
cartoon stock footage of surfing teens
Space Ghost: "The end!"
Dennis Miller: (laughs) Real, absolutely
Space Ghost: "Written by Space Ghost! Robots by ILM and Space Ghost. George Lucas by Space Ghost! House lights up, people leave theater. Trash... everywhere."

Space Ghost: "Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you came to be Robocop - the ultimate cop!"
Dennis Miller: "Well, listen, I had, uh, done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'Em Hell, Peter" for years off-Broadway..."
Space Ghost: "Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of "Robocop." I'll wait until it's on-Way!"

Jerry Springer

Moltar: "And we're clear."
Space Ghost: "Well, that wasn't very good."
Jerry Springer: "I'm sorry.
Space Ghost: "Oh, no, it's all right, really. You're just not very good."

Space Ghost is threatening Zorak
Jerry Springer: "Whoa!"
Space Ghost: "Whoa is what America's going to be saying when I spin his head off so fast it'll TRAVEL BACK IN TIME!"
Zorak: "Blah blah blah blah."
Space Ghost: "Oh, you WANT the time-travel spinning head!"

Hanson

Space Ghost: "Now, you boys have teeth, don't ya?"
Zac Hanson: "What?"
Space Ghost: "Look at that! Three boys with teeth. And hair... beautiful girl hair..."
Zac Hanson: "What are you trying to say?"
Space Ghost: "The little one looks like Claudia Schiffer."

Isaac Hanson: "Do we get a cool, invisible... Thing?"
Zac Hanson: "One of those belt things?"
Space Ghost: "Seat belts? Those are for nerds! You boys aren't nerds, are ya? 'Cause this ain't the nerd taxi."

Bob Costas

Bob Costas: "How much hair do you have, Space Ghost?"
Space Ghost: "Oh, I don't know. Nine. Nine fat stalks!"
Bob Costas: "Well, why, Space Ghost, if you weren't concerned about your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps envious of those who have a full head of hair?"
Space Ghost: "Right."

Conan O'Brien

Conan is trying to get Space Ghost to admit that he was once alive
Conan O'Brien: "Face it, Space Ghost!"
Space Ghost: "No!"
Conan O'Brien: "You're a spaceman that choked on a muffin!"
Space Ghost: "That, sir, is impossible, because I am allergic to muffins!"
Conan O'Brien: "Oh, I'm sorry."
Space Ghost: "Yeah. You're thinking of "Muffin-Hunter". He's different."
Conan O'Brien: "I saw that on the WB, actually. They'll carry anything." (giggles)
Space Ghost: "Well they won't carry anything, Conan, because I pitched them a show where Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny were teenagers, and I was a teenager too, and we were all pirates. And every week we would have different jobs and identities. And they called back and said it was stupid!"
Space Ghost begins pounding his fist on his desk
Space Ghost: "And that I was stupid too! And let me tell you something - there's nothing stupid about a teenage rabbit teaching good hygiene! Nothing!"
Space Ghost's hand catches on fire

Space Ghost: "Greetings, I am Space Ghost."
Conan O'Brien: "Space Man!"
Space Ghost: "No. Space Ghost!"
Conan O'Brien: "You were a Space Man who died, and became Space Ghost."
Space Ghost: "I've always been dead, Conan."
Conan O'Brien: "No one can 'always be dead', Space Ghost."
Space Ghost: "I was dead long before you were born, Conan, and I'll be dead long before you're dead."

Charlton Heston

Space Ghost: "Tell me, Chuck, ever thought of starring in a sequel to The Ten Commandments?"
Zorak: "No."
Charlton Heston: "Uh, I don't think so."
Space Ghost: "Not a sequel man, eh?"
Zorak: "No."
Charlton Heston: "What other commandments are we going to write?"
Zorak: "Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it."
Space Ghost: laughs "Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it."
Zorak: fake laugh "Jerk."
Charlton Heston: "Yeah, well..."
Moltar: "Thou shalt not... hesitate."
Charlton Heston: "I'm kind of committed to the first ten."
Zorak: "Thou shalt not be committed to old commandments!"
Space Ghost: "Zorak, one more commandment out of you, and thou shalt be blasted!"
Moltar: "Thou shalt not mess with Zorak, or thou shalt have to mess with me!"
Space Ghost: "All right, everybody, just calm down!"
Moltar: "Thou shalt not calm down!"
Charlton Heston: "I hesitate..."
Moltar: "Thou shalt not hesitate!"

Kevin Smith

Space Ghost: "So, its all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away."
Kevin Smith: "I'd be up for that, I'd sign a waiver."
Space Ghost: "Actually, its a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap..."

Kevin Smith: "Zorak!"
Zorak: "Kevin!"
Kevin Smith: "Zorak!"
Zorak: "Kevin!"
Kevin Smith: "Zorak!"
Zorak: "Kevin!"
Space Ghost: "Space Ghost!"

Peter Fonda

Peter Fonda: "I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back was to act like a grown-up, but I've been eight for fifty-six years."

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker: "Did you create the show?"
Space Ghost: "By create, you mean write, produce, direct and star in?"
Sarah Jessica Parker: "Yeah."
Space Ghost: "Then, yes. I created it... for you."
(whispering)
Space Ghost: "For Christmas!"
Sarah Jessica Parker: "In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show."
Space Ghost: "Mmmm... WILD fantasies."
Sarah Jessica Parker: "You have a... I don't know, something about you."
Space Ghost: "Would you like to have some of my... sex? With me?"

Björk

Space Ghost has received a phone call from his "wife", Björk
Space Ghost: "Uh, hey, honey, how are you?
Björk: "Do you like sulfur?"
Space Ghost: "Sulfur? Sulfur's my favorite food, honey, you know that. Is that why you called me?"
Björk: "Yeah."
Space Ghost: "Oh, great."
Björk: "Can I sing in Icelandic?"
Space Ghost: "Uh, not now, honey, please, I'm right in the middle of, a, um... giant space war."
Björk: "I... I enjoy talking to you."
Space Ghost: "Uh, yes you do, but like I said, this, uh, space war, what can I do? [pause] ...aliens."
Björk: "Yeah?"
Space Ghost: "Yeah, so, you have to go now."
Björk: "Okay."
Space Ghost: "Okay, so... I'll talk to you when there's... peace. In space."

Beck

Space Ghost: You don't bust up people's stuff for no apparent reason, do you?
Beck: No, I don't, I don't, I don't do that.
Space Ghost: Good.
Beck: I don't play that.
Space Ghost: Because I think that would be very old school of you.
Beck: It's old school.
Space Ghost: And Space Ghost would not play that.
Beck: Yeah, yeah, you don't play, play that.
Space Ghost: No, I don't. Space Ghost is not down with that.
Beck: That's old school. I'm not, I'm not down with that.
Space Ghost: And Space Ghost would have to dispose of you.
Beck: Right, right, right.
Space Ghost: Right.
Beck: Right.

Bill Manspeaker

Space Ghost: Eh, anyone else for me to talk to?
Moltar: Well, uh, maybe... let's see here
Bill Manspeaker: Hello, Mr. Space Ghost, where are you?
Space Ghost: And just who are you supposed to be?
Bill Manspeaker: I'm 100% stupid.
Space Ghost: (pause) Moltar, do you have any non-freaks to put in my monitor?
Moltar: Well... uh... no.
Space Ghost: Oh, well that's just great!
Bill Manspeaker: Where's Space Ghost?
Space Ghost: Oh, shut up!
Bill Manspeaker: I want Space Ghost now, where is he?
Space Ghost: (stares back)
Bill Manspeaker: Are you like Jeannie or Bewitched?
Space Ghost: (stares back)
Bill Manspeaker: First we start it off with a little guitar (plays air guitar chord) And then I go, "Yeaaaaaah!" And then the girls go, "Woooooo!" And then I go, "Hot mamas!" And then they go, "And here's a whole bunch o' money!" And then I take all the money and then I go out and I try to buy Apple Jacks, but do you know what, the secret service is coming, and they start hittin' me, and they're hittin', stop hittin' me, who's talkin' to me, stop it!
Space Ghost: (stares back)
Bill Manspeaker: You look like a woman on the TV.
Space Ghost: Okay, that's it. I can't take this anymore.
Bill Manspeaker: Space Ghost, no, don't leave me!
Space Ghost: (zaps the monitor with his destructo ray) Anybody have any idea who that was?
Zorak: Some lost soul, cowering behind a cheap costume, afraid to reveal his true identity.