Spaceballs

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Spaceballs is a 1987 science fiction spoof in which Planet Spaceball's President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them. The film parodies Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Wizard of Oz, among others.

Directed by Mel Brooks. Written by Mel Brooks, Thomas Meehan, and Ronny Graham.
May the schwartz be with you.Taglines

Opening credits

  • [in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

Dark Helmet

  • [choking and gagging; pulls up mask] I can't breathe in this thing!
  • So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  • Yogurt! Yogurt! [referring to the character] I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries!
  • I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you can handle it.
  • What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
  • [feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
  • [aiming his Schwartz ring at Lone Starr's crotch] Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
  • I'll bet she gives great helmet.
  • Commence operation [pause] Vacu-suck.
  • [Mr.Radar has just been "jammed".] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]
  • I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
  • Come back here, you fat bearded bitch!
  • [After discovering that most of his ship's crew consists of members of the same Asshole family] I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!(Pulls down his helmet) Keep firing, Assholes!
  • Aw, buckle this!
  • 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
  • Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceballs, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transfered from your planet to ours. [opens door, lifts helmet] She's not in there.

President Skroob

  • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
  • [On why he was running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over.
  • Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
  • Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big?!
  • I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!
  • One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hells wrong with this seatbelt? AHHH!

Lone Starr

  • On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!
  • Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
  • [waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
  • [Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!
  • Just what we need... a Druish Princess!

Barf

  • Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.
  • I'm a Maug. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
  • [Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!
  • Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
  • [After Vespa blows away a group of Spaceballs] Holy shit!

Others

  • King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.
  • King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! Air!!
  • Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!
  • Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy--moley!!
  • Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck!
  • Spaceball Commander: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
  • Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow!
  • Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
  • Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!
  • Dot Matrix: [to Barf on the ladder behind her] Hey! Stop looking up my can!
  • Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it!
  • Placemat in Diner reads: Spaceballs the Placemat.
  • Newsman: On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.
  • Vinnie: [To Pizza the Hut]Mmmmm! You're delicious.
  • Princess Vespa: I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns! [one of the incoming laser blasts wings her hair] My hair! He shot my hair! That son of a bitch! [Vespa proceeds to blast every guard in one sweep]

Dialogue

Lone Starr: Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Heh heh... come! We put the picture's name on everything!
[everyone is staring in amazement]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower… [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.

Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that?

Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]

[Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]

[In a subsequent scene, the two guards confront Lone Starr and Barf dressed only in boxers and undershirts, both sporting black eyes.]
Guard 1: Hey, those are the guys who took our uniforms!
Guard 2: Yeah, and beat the shit out of us, too!

Lone Starr: I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Lone Starr: Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Computer:10, 9, 8, 6,
Skroob: Six? What happened to 7?
Computer: Just Kidding!

Dark Helmet: No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Crosseyed Gunner: Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!

Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good sir.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen: [covering their crotches] Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]

Colonel Sandurz: I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet: And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir!
Dark Helmet: Well find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to...ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps.]
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?
Colonel Sandurz: [stuttering] Prepare ship--prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo...
Dark Helmet: Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! Go!!

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happend to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: [increasingly flustered] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who!! [mask falls down]

Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.

Computer: This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: Cancellation button? Hurry!
Dark Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
Dark Helmet: "Out of order!?" Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!

Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.

Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad...for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Vespa: Let's blow this joint!

Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Barfolomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!

[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..

[Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.]
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the hell was that?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[President Skroob walks in.]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
[Dark Helmet hurries to hide the dolls.]
Dark Helmet: What!!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door; knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: [pause] Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!

Barf: What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!

[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
Guard:: What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:: No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]

Man in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
(John Hurt's character convulses)
Woman in diner: Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner: Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
(John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
(chestburster emerges)
John Hurt: Oh no! Not again![2]

Ape Man 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2: Spaceballs!!
Ape Man 1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff...Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

[Spaceball One is at ludicrous speed, having passed Lone Starr's Winnebago]
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em; stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you, stop!!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet up severely.]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah....
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well...are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz:Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)

[Spaceballs are literally combing the desert]

Sandurz: Sir.
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No you fool, we're following orders, we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet?!
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir.
Dark Helmet: How about you?!
Soldier: Not a thing sir!

[camera pans to two soldiers using a mini comb]

Dark Helmet: What about you guys?!
Black soldier: We ain't found shit!

Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Spaceball: Jawohl Lord Helmet! [stands aside]
Dark Helmet: So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet...to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceballs in the room drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Starr![car's door slams on top of his helmet]



(Spaceball 1's radar has been jammed.)

Radar Technichan: [Through P.A to Col. Sandurz] Sir! [Sandurz and Dark Helmet look over] Can I see you for a minute, please sir?
[Sandurz and Helmet walk over]
Sandurz:What is it Private?
Radar Technichan: [Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
[Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technichan was just using]
Sandurz: You don't need that, private. We're here. Now what is it?
Radar Technician: [Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
[Helemet rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside.]
Dark Helmet: Now what is it?!
Radar Technician: [Normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?!
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Techician: You know, the bleeps... [Makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]
Dark Helmet: [Quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Radar Technician: Wait, sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!
Dark Helmet: Jammed... [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz gets out of the way of the approaching camera] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [Walks into the camera and collapses]

Dark helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey hey hey, that's my pod, who are you?
Bearded Lady: I am the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him; and gets in the pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: Wait! Wait! No! [the pod ejects] COME BACK HERE YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!!

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Pizza the Hut: You're gonnna pay it or else.
Lone Starr: Or else what?
Pizza the Hut: Tell them Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for YOU!

Notes

  1. Saying that in another way, Dark Helmet is the former roommate of Lone Starr's first or second cousin. He could be Lone Starr's former roommate as well, but that's unlikely. It could also be that his father's brother (uncle) has a nephew through his wife, whose cousin would therefore not be a blood relative of Lone Starr's, making the roommate connection all the more ludicrous.
  2. John Hurt played Executive Officer Kane in the 1979 film Alien. In the film, an alien popped out of Hurt's chest, thus the line "not again!".

Taglines

  • May the Schwartz be with you.
  • Once upon a time warp in deep space, the struggle between the nice & the rotten goes on...
  • Revenge of the Schtick

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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