Spike Milligan

From Quotes
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.
Denis Waitley
(Redirected from Spike Milligna)
Jump to: navigation, search

Terence Alan Milligan, KBE, (16 April 191827 February 2002), known as Spike Milligan, was an Irish writer, artist, musician, humanitarian, comedian and poet. He played the piano, trumpet, saxophone, and guitar. While producing a prodigous number of books, he remains most famous as the creator, principal writer and performing member of The Goon Show.


  • For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
  • If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.


  • Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
  • Are you going to come along quietly, or am I going to have to use ear plugs?
    • The Goon Show, Season 9, Episode 12: The Call of the West
    • Alternative: "Are you going to come along quietly, or do you want musical accompaniment?"
  • I told you I was ill!
    • His epitaph. On his tombstone this is rendered in Irish: "Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite."
  • A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
  • Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.
  • I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
  • I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes — at least that exists.
  • How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
  • My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-From Spike's collection of War Diaries

  • The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death
    • About British DJ and television presenter Chris Evans when Milligan appeared on Room 101
  • World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!
  • The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.
    • Commentary on a poem
  • I'm fucking Irish!
    • When a fan asked him for the autograph of the funniest Englishman ever.
  • Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
    • Commentary on Scotland

On life and death

  • When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
  • Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
  • Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
  • Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.
  • All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.
    • In a fax to Harry Secombe. Harry did go before Spike, but Harry Secombe sang at Spike's funeral from a recording.

On royalty

  • Oh, the little grovelling bastard.
    • Response at the British Comedy Awards in 1994 after the reading of a letter from Prince Charles congratulating him on his Lifetime Achievement Award
  • I suppose a knighthood is out of the question then?
    • Fax to Prince Charles shortly afterwards
  • I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
    • Upon receiving his CBE
  • Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

Other quotes

  • We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!
  • There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!
  • The small of my back is too big
  • My ribs give me claustrophobia
  • I don't like jam, I don't want it to know where I am

External links

Wikipedia has an article about: