Real life seems to have no plots.Ivy Compton Burnett
- Directed by Ron Howard. Written by Brian Grazer, Bruce Jay Friedman, Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel. Starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah.
- She's really hungry.
- Explaining why his date (a mermaid in human form) was eating an entire lobster - including the shell.
- It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people.
- I am not a fish! How many times do I have to tell you people that? Now, will just let me outta here? Please? Huh? People?
- Said while standing naked in a tank with wires trailing from his body.
- I suppose you're just some harmless beachcomber who happens to wear a tuxedo!
- I was right. Behold the mermaid!
- [repeated line] What a week I'm having.
- I'm a really nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them.
- Freddie Bauer: [excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine] They published my letter. Here it is "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.
- Stan, the Tour Guide: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. That Statue is a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere...bocce balls!
- Allen Bauer: Are there any messages?
- Mrs. Stimler: Oh, yes. [goes back to typing]
- Allen Bauer: [pause] And they are?
- Mrs. Stimler: Oh, your father called, he wants you to call him back.
- Allen Bauer: [pauses] Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?
- Mrs. Stimler: [confused look] Right. Shall I ring him for you?
- Allen Bauer: No, thank you.
- [Allen is an usher at a wedding and has recently ended a relationship]
- Wedding Guest: Hey, Allen! Where's Victoria?
- Allen Bauer: She's not coming! What, do you want your money back?!
- Wedding Guest: Hey, Allen!
- Allen Bauer: She left me! She moved out and my life's shambles, all right? That's the news, you want the weather? Anywhere but the first three rows!
- Allen Bauer: You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.
- Freddie Bauer: Victoria left, huh?
- Allen Bauer: Yeah. You know why she left, Freddie? Because I didn't love her.
- Freddie Bauer: That bitch.
- Allen Bauer: [drunk] I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school field.
- [Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]
- Freddie Bauer: You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.
- [Allen remains comatose]
- Freddie Bauer: Bartender, Another round for my friend and I here!
- Allen Bauer: No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!
- Freddie Bauer: But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
- Bartender: Is he gonna be up there all day?
- Freddie Bauer: I don't know.
- Allen Bauer: [coming to] Ohh... I'm on the bar!
- Freddie Bauer: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.
- [Allen slips and falls to the floor]
- Freddie Bauer: Uh-oh, you fell.
- Claude: There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.
- Allen Bauer: What's the name?
- Claude: The guy or the island?
- Allen Bauer: I'll find him.
- Claude: Hey, Mr. Cornbeef?
- Walter Kornbluth: Kornbluth!
- Claude: Watcha lookin' for down there? Buried treasure?
- Walter Kornbluth: Wanna know what I'm looking for? Boys, I'll tell you. None of your goddamned business!! That's what I'm lookin' for!! Get out of my way!
- Allen Bauer: What is your name?
- Madison: It's hard to say in English.
- Allen Bauer: Then just say it in your language.
- Madison: All right. My name is...
- [high-pitched squeels that shatter all the television screens]
- Allen Bauer: [nervously to the clerks] So, how about those Knicks?
- Allen Bauer: All right, Madison, now this is getting scary. If you don't open this, I'm going to break it down! All right, that's it! [busts the door open to see Madison laying on the bathroom floor] Why wouldn't you let me in?
- Madison: I was... shy.
- Allen Bauer: You were shy? After the cab, the elevator, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?
- Madison: [matter-of-factly] I was shy.
- Allen Bauer: [to himself] She was shy.
- Allen Bauer: Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.
- Freddie Bauer: She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know?
- Allen Bauer: Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?
- Freddie Bauer: Well I'm in for it, of course.
- Dr. Zidell: What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class. True, emotionally you were twelve years old.
- Walter Kornbluth: I was twelve years old.
- Dr. Zidell: That's right. And look what you've become, a schmuck.
- Walter Kornbluth: There is a mermaid in New York City.
- Dr. Zidell: Oh.. oh.. sure... sure... You mean this... this... this naked girl? How come she's got legs?
- Walter Kornbluth: She has legs out of the water, she has fins in the water. You taught me that, Dr. Zidell, don't you remember? You taught me all the legends.
- Madison: You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
- Allen Bauer: Yeah...but...
- Madison: You thought at least I was a human being.
- [Allen is being mobbed by reporters]
- Freddie Bauer: Allen, you all right?
- Allen Bauer: Yeah, get me outta here!
- Freddie Bauer: Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?
- Reporters: No.
- Freddie Bauer: Then we ain't talkin'.
- [Allen sees his employees staring at him.]
- Freddie Bauer: What are you looking at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before? Get back to work!
- [Allen and Freddie are about to enter the office]
- Mrs. Stimler: [to Allen] Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Time, Ted Turner, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.
- Freddie Bauer: Not now, Mrs. Stimler. All right.
- Allen Bauer: I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.
- Freddie Bauer: Nobody said love's perfect.
- Allen Bauer: Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect! But for God's sake, it's usually human! Every day, people meet, they fall in love, every day! And look at what I got.
- Freddie Bauer: [angrily] Yeah, let's look at what you got. Let's take a good look at what you got. People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?
- Allen Bauer: Yeah.
- Freddie Bauer: Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving youself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy! [pause] What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Mrs. Stimler. [leaves the office]
- Allen Bauer: I didn't even like you when I first you.
- Walter Kornbluth: Nobody likes me when they first meet me.
- Madison: Allen...
- [Allen and Kornbluth look back to see the Marines approaching them]
- Walter Kornbluth: Move!
- Two days ago, this girl showed up naked at the Statue of Liberty. For Allen Bauer, it was love at first sight. Now, everyone is chasing her... trying to prove she's a mermaid. For the first laugh, you'll be hooked.
- Allen Bauer thought he'd never find the right woman... He was only half wrong!
- She was the women of his dreams. She had large dark eyes, a beautiful smile, and a great pair of fins.
|Tom Hanks||Allen Bauer|
|Eugene Levy||Dr. Walter Kornbluth|
|John Candy||Freddie Bauer|
|Dody Goodman||Mrs. Stimler|
|Richard B. Shull||Dr. Ross|
|Shecky Greene||Mr. Buyrite|
|Bobby Di Cicco||Jerry|
|Howard Morris||Dr. Zidell|