SpongeBob SquarePants

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I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
Roy Croft
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Contents

Tea at the Treedome [1.1c]

Sandy: You're about as ugly as homemade soup.
SpongeBob: [poses on top of the giant clam] You have fought well, giant clam. Prepare to be vanquished! Hai! [tries to pry open the clam and it's working, everything stops] Hey, I'm actually doing it! [continues, Sandy finishes prying the clam open from inside it and Spongebob goes flying] Your shell is mine!

SpongeBob: Patrick! What's air?
Patrick: Wha-?
SpongeBob: I just met this girl! She wears a hat full of...air!
Patrick: Do you mean she "puts on airs"?
SpongeBob: I guess so.
Patrick: That's just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy just hold your pinky in the air like this! The higher you hold it, the fancier you are!

Patrick: Remember: when in doubt, pinky out!

[SpongeBob is suffocating from air and staring at a vase of water]
SpongeBob: I don't need water, water's for quitters! [in his mind] I don't need it! I don't need it! I definitely don't need it! [out loud] I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT!!!!!!!!
Patrick: [from outside] Spongebob, no, no, no! STOP!!!!!!!!! [points to his pinky] PINKY! PINKY!
[SpongeBob puts his pinky up and drinks the water]
SpongeBob: I'M A QUITTER!!!!!!!!! [runs to the door screaming]

Sandy: I like you, SpongeBob. Well, we can be tighter than bark on a tree.

Bubblestand [1.2a]

[SpongeBob has opened a little bubble stand outside his house]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to blow some bubbles? Only twenty-five cents.
Squidward: Oh, right, like I would spend a moment of my time blowing bubbles.
SpongeBob: Uh-huh!
Squidward: Oh, puh-leeze. I mean, who in the world would pay to blow bubbles?
[Patrick appears at that moment]
Patrick: Good morning!
Squidward: Oh, boy...

[SpongeBob blows a bubble in the shape of an elephant, Patrick laughs gleefully]
Patrick: It's a giraffe!

SpongeBob: Good morning to you, sir. Would you care to blow a bubble?
Patrick: Hmm. How much is it?
SpongeBob: Only a quarter.
Patrick: Sounds reasonable. [hesitates a moment, then speaks in an embarrassed whisper] Er...I'm going to need to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Patrick. [hands him a quarter]
Patrick: Ah, one quarter!
[Patrick gives the quarter to Spongebob. Spongebob looks at it a moment, then bites it to make sure it's genuine, then pockets it]
SpongeBob: Thank you!

Squidward: How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?

Squidward: [marveling at the giant bubble he's just blown] Now that's a bubble!

Squidward: How can you two possibly make all this noise, just by blowing bubbles?
SpongeBob: We're not just blowing bubbles. We're making bubble art!

[After Patrick has unsuccessfully attempted to blow a bubble]
SpongeBob: Could I interest you in some lessons? Only twenty-five cents.
Patrick: [out of breath] Uh, very well then. Hey, Sponge, can I borrow another quarter? [Spongebob gives him another quarter] Thanks!

[SpongeBob is showing Patrick (and later Squidward) the technique for blowing the perfect bubble]
Spongebob: [lifting his foot high into the air behind him] First, go like this. Spin around, stop. Double-take three times: One, two, three. Then- pelvic thrust! [does so] Whoooo! Whoooo! Stop on your right foot, don't forget it! [winds himself around] Now it's time to bring it around town, bring it around town! [bends and contorts himself into various shapes] Then you do this, and that, and this and that, this and that, this and that, and then... [blows out bubbles in all sorts of interesting designs]

Ripped Pants [1.2b]

SpongeBob: [to a fish roasting marshmallows] Could I borrow a couple of these?
Fish: [with his mouth full] Mm-hmmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth]

[SpongeBob is trying to lift "weights" to impress the crowd]
SpongeBob: And now, with the addition of two-count 'em-two marshmallows!

[Fish hits a volleyball in the air]
SpongeBob: I got it! Incoming! [SpongeBob tries to catch it, but it just hits his hand and slides down]
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: [reaches down to get volleyball and rips his pants] Whoops... I guess I ripped my pants again!

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
Sandy: Okay, here it comes! [throws frisbee, which knocks SpongeBob out]
SpongeBob: I could use a hand here!
Sandy: [runs over to SpongeBob and helps him up] You okay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I guess so...except I ripped my pants!

Lou: May I help you?
SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.
Lou: Uh, we don't have that.
SpongeBob: That's okay, I already split my pants! Get it?
Lou: [sarcastically] Tee hee. Anything else?
SpongeBob: How about...ripple?! [shows the rip in his pants] No thanks, already got one!

SpongeBob: Is that a burger you're eating?
Customer: Why, yes it is.
SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?
Customer: No, what?
SpongeBob: Ripped...pants! [shows the rip in his pants and runs around store] Ripped Pants a la mode! [rips pants]

SpongeBob: Delivery!
[The chef looks at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Did you order twenty cases of...ripped pants?! [shows the rip in his pants through a cardboard box]

Perch Perkins: And there's SpongeBob, ripping his...pants again. [a wave swallows SpongeBob and he is washed ashore]
Lifeguard: Hey look, a cardboard box washed up on the beach. [looks at him through a telescope] Holy sea urchins, it's a guy! [runs to SpongeBob and turns him over] Why! Why! Why!
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [to Lifeguard] Come closer. I need...I need...
Lifeguard: [tearfully] What do you need?
SpongeBob: A tailor...because I ripped my pants!

SpongeBob: [comes out of tent] Not ripped pants... [pulls off pants] Pants ripped off! Ah? Ah? Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose! [realizes that the crowd is on the other side off the beach] Oh no! Everybody's gone, even Sandy! She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh no, no, no, no. We blew it, pants.
Pants: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Lyrics to the song "Ripped Pants"]
SpongeBob: [spoken] I thought that I had everybody on my side
But I went and blew it all sky-high
And now she won't even spare a passing glance
All just because I ripped my pants
Band Members: [singing] When Big Larry came 'round just to put him down
SpongeBob turned into a clown
And no girl ever wants to dance
With a fool who went and ripped his pants
SpongeBob: [singing in a beautiful, heart-stopping voice]
I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse
But the pain feels so much worse
Cause windin' up with no one is a lot less fun
Than a burn from the sun
Band Members: [singing] Or sand in your buns
SpongeBob: [singing] Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget
So listen and you won't regret
Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance
All: [singing] And you won't end up like the fool who ripped his pants


[Crowd cheers]
Sandy: Spongebob!
Spongebob: Sandy!
[Sandy and Spongebob hug]
Sandy: Your song was true. If you wanna be my friend, just be yourself.
Larry the Lobster: Spongebob! That song was so righteous! Would you...sign my pants?
Spongebob: Sure thing, buddy. [starts to sign Larry's pants, but his underwear rips off. He covers his private part. There is a whistle]

Jellyfishing [1.3a]

Squidward: I can't think of anything I'd love to do more on my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick: Patrick.
Squidward: Right...but I can't. Bye-bye.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]
SpongeBob: welcome home, Squidward!!!
Patrick: Merry Christmas!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to think of ways to make Squidward's day the "best day ever".]
Patrick: How about some soup on your best day ever?
[Squidward scowls at his bowl of soup, in which the letters spell "BEST DAY EVER". Patrick picks up a spoon.]
Patrick: Here we go!!!
[Patrick scoops up a spoonful of soup and offers it to Squidward, who refuses.]
Patrick: Oh, it's a little hot.
[He blows a little too hard on the soup, and the soup ends up flying into Squidward's bandaged face. Realizing that the spoon is empty, Patrick scoops up more soup and inadvertently blows it into Squidward's face again. This continues until finally Spongebob takes the bowl away.]
SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day after. [Motioning towards Squidward's prized clarinet] How about some music on your best day ever, played on your very own clarinet?
[SpongeBob takes Squidward's clarinet and blows hard, only to produce a Terribly, ear-splitting noise.]
SpongeBob: Sorry. My lips are a little dry...
[He spends the next few moments licking his lips, until they are completely wet with his saliva--perhaps a little too wet. Just as SpongeBob is about to have another go on the clarinet, Patrick snatches the clarinet away.]
Patrick: ...Music isn't best, either...
Spongebob: [To Squidward] ...But what is best is what we saved for last, the one sure-fire thing to make your best day ever the best day ever.
[SpongeBob and Patrick take Squidward jellyfishing in Jellyfish Fields.]

Patrick: Firmly grasp it in your hand. (Squidward drops jellyfishing net) Firmly grasp it. (Squidward drops jellyfishing net) FIRMLY GRASP IT! (Patrick forces the jellyfishing net through the cast and onto Squidward's hand who screams muffled)

Plankton! [1.3b]

SpongeBob: [Speaking to Squidward with a bad French accent] Oui, oui, one Krabby-Patty monsieur.

Plankton: Hey, let me go!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll let you go squirt. on a flying saucer!

Spongebob: Plankton, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, he's been trying to steal me secret formula for years. [Shouting to Plankton] But you haven't got it yet, have ye, bug?

Plankton: Any last words, SpongeBob Secret-pants?
SpongeBob: [Realizing it's no use to fight] I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. [Tears fill his eyes and leak down his face] But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty...with your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steaming goodness.
Plankton: [Enticed] Steaming?
SpongeBob: [Very sadly] I'll never forget your one-hundred-percent all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, and onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed sea buns.
Plankton: [Drooling] Yes. [Shouting] Yes, YES! [Dives out of SpongeBob's head with a fork and knife] Come to Papa! [Bounces off the top bun and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy.
Karen: Plankton. 1% Evil. 99% Hot Gas.

Karen: Seaweed: 50% Sea, 50% Weed.

Plankton: This will be the beginning of the end.

[While Spongebob is walking home]
SpongeBob: Plankton? What are you doing here?
Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?
SpongeBob: Um...no.
Plankton: Acquaintances?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: [Thinks a moment] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?
SpongeBob: I...guess so.
Plankton: You see? Everything works out.

[After Plankton has hijacked Spongebob's brain]
Plankton: [To Squidward, through SpongeBob] Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet-player!
Squidward: [Stunned] Mediocre?
Plankton: You pretentious little insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.

[After Spongebob finds out that Plankton has taken control of his brain]
SpongeBob: Get out of my head! Leave my brain alone!
Plankton: [Through SpongeBob] Never! NEVER! [Laughs maniacally, Squidward keels over in a dead faint]

[Upon entering the deserted Chum Bucket]
Spongebob: There's no one here.
Plankton: Don't remind me.

Plankton: Brace yourself, Spongebob. This is my lab! [A labrador retriever barks] And this is my laboratory! And did I ever show you my record player?

[Upon analyzing Plankton]
Karen: Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas.

Plankton:[Looking at a map of Spongebob's brain] It's around here somewhere, but where? Where!? [Looks down and realizes he is already standing on Spongebob's brain] Oh.

Plankton: You can't do this to me, I WENT TO COLLEGE!

'Naughty Nautical Neighbors [1.4a]

[Squidward is admiring his latest cuisine creation: a souffle island with a tiny Squidward figure set on the top.]
Squidward: Wow! Squidward, this is the best souffle you have ever created!

[Spongebob and Patrick are playing a game in which they whisper messages to each other using bubbles. Spongebob dips his bubble wand into his bottle of bubble mix, thinks a moment, then whispers a message into his bubble. The bubble floats to Patrick and pops, and Spongebob's message is revealed.]
Spongebob: Hi, Patrick.
[Patrick giggles, then dips his own wand into his own bottle, then shoves the wand into his mouth and takes it out before dipping it into his bottle again and whispering his own message to Spongebob. The bubble floats to Spongebob and pops, revealing Patrick's message.]
Patrick: Hey, Spongebob.
[Spongebob laughs, much to Squidward's annoyance.]

Spongebob: [Into his bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
[Squidward whispers a message into his own bubble, and the bubble replaces Spongebob's bubble and floats on to Patrick.]
Squidward: Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.

[Patrick doesn't look happy at the moment he hears the message. He dips his wand into his bottle and whispers a message. It floats over to Spongebob.]

Patrick: Do you really think that, Spongebob?
Spongebob: [Into his bubble] Of course, Patrick! Anyone with eyes could see that!
Patrick: [a bubble floats nearby by Spongebob and then pops.] Yeah ,well, I think you're ugly! Yellow is ugly! [tongue-farts about a full second] [tongue-farts about half-a-second]
Spongebob: [Into his bubble very confused] Patrick, what are you talking about?
Squidward: [To Spongebob] Spongebob, I no longer wish to know you. You give bottom dwellers a bad name!
Squidward: [To Spongebob] If I had a dollar for every brain that you don't have, I'd have one dollar!
Squidward: [To Patrick] Hey Patrick! I heard there was a job opening down at the pet store, and some newspaper!
Patrick: [Shouting] And that makes you a big dummy, you dummy.
Spongebob: Yeah, well that means uh... so are you!
Patrick: You're a turkey!
Spongebob: What's that????
Patrick: It's what you are!
Spongebob: Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And do you know what else is yellow?!
Spongebob: WHAT?!!!
Patrick: YOU ARE!!!
Spongebob: WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!!

[Squidward has accidentally swallowed his fork, and now his windpipe is blocked.]
Patrick: Wow! Squidward, you're choking!
[Patrick is trying to assist Squidward, who is choking and unable to breathe.]
Patrick: I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. [Short pause] Oh, well.

Patrick: I Win&Lose!

Squidward: Congratulations, chef!

Squidward: What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?

[Squidward is about to practice his clarinet in front of Patrick.]
Patrick: [Claps hands] Yeah, E minor! All right!
[But the second Squidward starts to play, Patrick falls fast asleep.]

Spongebob: [Singing] Squidward is my best friend in the world.[starts playing the bassinet very badly, it makes Squidward drop his clarinet.] Squidward is my best friend in the sea. [starts playing the bassinet very badly again. He lets go of his bow and the bow flies into a picture of Squidward into his forehead.]
Squidward: Aaah! [growls and breaks the bow in half on his knee.]
Spongebob: [Singing] Squidward... [He is playing the bassinet like a guitar.]
Patrick: [Cutting in] ...likes Patrick more than Spongebob.

[Spongebob slams the door in Patrick's face.]

Patrick: OOMF!
Spongebob: Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer, Squidward! [bangs the bassinet on the next word he says, then breaks the bassinet.]
Spongebob: I can fix this.

[Squidward gets very angry, with sides of maroon on his face. He kicks Spongebob out of his house.]

Spongebob: Okay, then. See you later, Squidward. Call me!

Squidward: Oh, this is a melon party! I need a plan to get those two back together, and out of my hair!

Spongebob: Hey, guess what, Squidward?
Patrick: Me and Spongebob are friends again!
Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else.
Spongebob: But don't you want us to help you clean this up a little bit?
Squidward: NO!!! OUT!!!
Spongebob: Psst. I think he's jealous.
Patrick: How pathetic.
Squidward: [growls, slams his door, a nearby bubble pops into it and the door falls on Squidward] [groans] Oh, my back!

Boating School [1.4b]

[at the beginning of Spongebob's 38th boating test]
Mrs. Puff: First we must....
Spongebob: First I must pass the oral exam! I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.
Mrs. Puff: I know. Ok. Number one, what is the front of the boat?
SpongeBob: [casual voice] The bow.
Mrs. Puff: What is the back?
SpongeBob: Stern!
Mrs. Puff: Number three. Right is--
SpongeBob: Starboard! [answering the remaining questions without even hearing them] Port, skipper, deck, cabin, gally, keel, 1924!
Mrs. Puff: You've passed the oral test. What a surprise. Now, it's time to - once again - take the driving portion of the exam. Okay, SpongeBob... [brief pause] get in the boat.
SpongeBob: Oh, wha... in this boat? Right here? [looks at watch nervously] Is it time already?
Mrs. Puff: Get in the boat, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, absolutely. [gets into boat and closes eyes with a smile, confidently]
Mrs. Puff: All you have to do is get on the track.
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's eyes spring open in awe as he looks down the track which becomes longer and longer in delusion]
Mrs. Puff: Ok, SpongeBob. What's the first thing you do?
SpongeBob: 1924?
Mrs. Puff: No... [breath] no. First thing is... start the boat. [Mrs. Puff turns it on as SpongeBob begins to shake and scream hysterically] SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Relax! It's only the boat.
SpongeBob: [stops] The boat?
Mrs. Puff: Ok, now, what do you do next?
SpongeBob: Floor it?
Mrs. Puff: Yes-- no! No! Don't floor it!
SpongeBob: Floor it?!
Mrs. Puff: No, no, don't, don't floor it!
SpongeBob: Ok, floor it! [SpongeBob kicks down on the gas pedal as the boat begins to go in reverse at high speeds, Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob screaming, "no, no, no!" and "floor it!" respectively. The boat crashes into a lighthouse, breaking off the upper half of it - Mrs. Puff puffs up like a puff fish would]
Mrs. Puff: [deep voice] Oh, SpongeBob... whyyy?
Off-Screen Fish: My leg!
Spongebob: I don't know why, Gary. I'm sick of failing the test. I've took the test 37...[Gary meows]...38 times.
Patrick: Spongebob, I got a surprise for you. Get out of bed.
Spongebob: [he gets out of his bed] Okay, I'm out of bed.
Patrick: Go to your closet for a surprise.
Spongebob: [goes to a door and slides down a slide that leads to the closet.] Okay, I'm at my closet.
Patrick: What's pink and square at the same time? [Spongebob opens his door] Patrick Squarepants!
Spongebob: Pat, don't do that.

[at the beginning of Spongebob's 39th boating test]
Patrick: [through radio] Pat to Sponge. Pat to Sponge. Testing, testing. Testing, testing, testing, testing... TESTING! [yells] TEST! TEST! DO YOU READ?!
Spongebob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.
Patrick: Got your apple ready? [Spongebob takes out apple] Lucky undergarments? [Adjusting telescope] Hold on, hold on. [sees Spongebob wearing underpants that say "LUCKY"] Bingo! Underwear, Apple, and Me! You're ready to get that license! Here comes Mrs. Puff. Act natural.

[Spongebob gets out of the boat. He starts eating grass and moos like a cow.]

Patrick: No, no. Get in the boat.

[Spongebob gets in the boat. The hospital car drops off Mrs. Puff.]

Patrick: Okay. Give her the apple.

[Spongebob hands Mrs. Puff the apple. Mrs. Puff eats the whole thing in one bite.]


Mrs. Puff: No, no! Don't floor it!
Spongebob: Floor it? Okay, floor it! [he almost floors the boat.]
Patrick: Freeze, mister! Big toe.

[Spongebob's big toe slides out and he floors the boat slowly.]


[near the end of the driving test]
SpongeBob: I'm cheating, Mrs. Puff! I'm cheating!
Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob! You can cheat! Cheat that way! [Points towards the finish line.]
SpongeBob: NO! I'm cheating!

SpongeBob: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!
Mrs. Puff: Sigh... I'm not ready.

Pizza Delivery [1.5a]

Tom: Where's my drink?
Spongebob: What drink?
Tom: My drink? My Diet Dr. Kelp? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!?
SpongeBob: [Leafing through his order pad] But you didn't order any...
Tom: How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?!

Squidward: Let go of the pizza!
SpongeBob: No! It's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
SpongeBob: [Wind stops momentarily, Spongebob gasps] Squidward!

[Squidward puts Spongebob in charge of driving the boat mobile.]
Spongebob: I can't. I'm still in boating school.
Squidward: Come on, Spongebob, it's just around the corner.
Spongebob: [Very nervously] Well...y-yeah...but...
Squidward: Just do what you do in school.

[Spongebob has backed the boat mobile all the way out into the wilderness.]
Spongebob: Backing up! Backing up! Backing up!
[The engine sputters and dies, and the boat mobile slows to a halt. Spongebob is seen clutching the steering wheel, his eyes wide and his pupils fixed.]
Spongebob: Backing up...
Squidward: [Quietly] Well, you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. [Points to the gas gauge, the needle points to EMPTY. Squidward climbs out of the boat mobile.] And you know what else? [Shouting at the top of his voice] WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
[Spongebob tentatively approaches Squidward with the pizza box.]
Spongebob: And you know what else, else? I think the pizza's getting cold.
Squidward: [In mock alarm] AND the pizza's cold?!?!? Oh, the pizza's cold! Not the pizza! [In genuine anger] Oh, how can it get any worse?
[Squidward takes his fury out on the boat mobile by giving it a terrible kick. All at once the needle on the gas gauge points to FULL, and the boatmobile springs to life and zooms away, leaving Spongebob and Squidward all alone in the wilderness.]
SpongeBob: Well, we can still deliver it on foot.

[Spongebob and Squidward are making their way through the wilderness.]
Squidward: Ow, ow, ow...
Spongebob: [Singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me! The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza--
Squidward: [Groaning] And my feet are killing me.

Squidward: Spongebob that's just a stupid boulder!
Spongebob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [Begins weeping] It's a rock. [Spongebob continues sobbing]

[Squidward looks on with disgust]


[Spongebob and Squidward walking in wilderness.]
Spongebob: [Singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza, absolutivally! [Making spitting sounds] The pbbth-pbbb-pbbh pizza pbbbbh-pbbbh pizza, pbb-pbbbh... [Muttering rhythmically] The [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza... [Singing with voice of Otto from The Simpsons]: Krusty Krrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbb pizza is the pizza, yeah-ah-ah, for you and [long, high pitch] MEEEEEEEEE!

[Spongebob and Squidward are totally lost in the wilderness, and are becoming worn out and hungry.]
Squidward: Sponge, we've gotta eat something!
Spongebob: I heard that in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral.
[Squidward grabs a piece of coral and crams it voraciously into his mouth.]
Spongebob: No, wait, it wasn't coral.
[Squidward spits the coral out.]
Spongebob: Maybe it was sand...no, mud...
Squidward: Gimme the pizza!
Spongebob: Wait, I remember! It was coral!

[Squidward wants to eat the pizza.]
Spongebob: No, we can't! We promised, it's for the customer.
[Squidward decides to play a trick on Spongebob.]
Squidward: You're right. It's for the customer.
Spongebob: [Eyeing Squidward suspiciously] Yeah.
Squidward: Maybe we'd better check on it, you know, make sure it's okay.
Spongebob: [Hesitantly] Well...
Squidward: Just a peek.
[Spongebob allows Squidward to open the box a little, then quickly slams the lid shut.]
Spongebob: Okay, it's fine!
Squidward: Wait, I think I saw something.
[Squidward opens the lid completely. The pizza sparkles enticingly.]
Squidward: Oh, no, I was wrong. It looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.
Spongebob: Yeah.
Squidward: What's that? Is that the cheese?
Spongebob: Yeah.
Squidward: And the pepperoni?
Spongebob: [Drooling with hunger] Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, it looks good.
[All at once Spongebob snaps out of it.]
Spongebob: Wait a second! I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! [Shuts the box firmly] I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Spongebob: [Upon finding a giant rock] Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape.
Squidward: [Shouting] Spongebob! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive -- [Spongebob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground] -- rocks?

[Squidward marches up to Tom's house and bangs on the door.]
Tom: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!
Squidward: Well, this one's on the house!
[He hurls the pizza into Tom's face with all his might, box and all. Later Squidward approaches Spongebob, who is sprawled facedown on the ground in a pool of tears.]
Spongebob: [Looking up tearfully] Did he change his mind?
Squidward: [Smugly] He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

Squidward: Oh, my aching tentacles.

Home Sweet Pineapple [1.5b]

Squidward: SpongeBob, is it time already for you to ruin my day?
Spongebob: Yeah I like sleep overs.
Squidward: Yeah, me too.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy [1.6a]

SpongeBob: Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low, so you invented a ray gun that made things grow six times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens? But then, the evil Manray swoops down and swipes the gun away and starts shooting all the algae! [Imitates firing a gun]

Mermaid Man: Hurray! I did it! I feel five years younger! Oh, it's good to be back!
Barnacle Boy: [kindly] We did it, ya old coot.
Mermaid Man: Who are you?

Mermaid Man: [to SpongeBob] Listen up you villain, I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife!
[An angry clerk bursts in.]
Clerk: What is going on in here?!
Mermaid Man: You may kiss the bride!
[The Nurse throws SpongeBob out while wedding music plays.]
Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married.

SpongeBob: Ever alert, Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!

SpongeBob: (wearing a woman’s purple dress, speaking in heavy feminine country accent) Oh, my. This purse is so big and heavy.
Patrick: (wearing robber garb) Hold it right there, ma’am. I’ll be taking that! (grabs purse)
SpongeBob: (screams) Help! Help! Somebody help!
(BarnacleBoy stomps over)
SpongeBob: Why, did you come all the way over here to rescue little ol’ me?
Barnacle Boy: PIPE DOWN!

Barnacle Boy: We gotta come out of retirement! There's evil afoot!
Mermaid Man: What... EVIL! Where is it?
Barnacle Boy: (Pointing to SpongeBob and Patrick) There it is!

Mermaid Man: (To Barnacle Boy.) QUIT SHOUTING! I'M NAPPIN'!
Barnacle Boy: IT'S NOT ME, YOU OLD COOT!
Old Person 1: Yes?
Old Person 2: That's me.
Old Person 3: I'm over here!

Mermaid Man: [about SpongeBob] Look! It's the TV repairman!

Pickles [1.6b]

Squidward: Let me guess, tiny. A small salad?
Bubble Bass: I'll have a double triple Krabby Patty deluxe, on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles, with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease. Make it cry, burn it and let it swim.
Squidward: We serve food here, sir.

Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.
Mr. Krabs: TWO BUCKS?!
Bubble Bass: Your guarantee.
[The camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab's menu and shows in microscopic print "money back guarantee".]

booty
Squidward: Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns.
[Spongebob whips up a dozen Krabby Patties at top speed.]
Spongebob: One dozen cryin' cows on the farm, up!
Squidward: [Flatly] Thanks, Farmer Brown.

Squidward: Its been a thrill serving you
Customer: Do you have any salt?
Squidward: No.
Customer: [hopefully] could you check?
Squidward: No.

customer walks away offended


Spongebob: Wait a minute! [Seizes Bubble Bass' tongue and holds it up for all to see] Look, he's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
Lady: And there's my car keys!
[The angry crowd surrounds Bubble Bass on every side.]
Bubble Bass: [Nervously] And--there's my ride!
[Bubble Bass bolts out of the Krusty Krab pronto.]

Hall Monitor [1.7a]

Patrick: SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob: Where is he, Patrick?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns to see the street signs "Conch" and "Coral".]
SpongeBob: He's right on top of me, but I can’t see him! What’s he doing?
Patrick: Um, he’s just standing there... menacingly! (screaming over walkie-talkie) GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: AAAAAHHHHH!
Patrick: That’s his maniac screech. He’s going to attack! (SpongeBob is running around in circles crying) He’s acting all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! (SpongeBob does so) No, he's behind that building! Quick, hide behind that street sign! (Sponge does) No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! (Sponge does) No wait, he’s there too! Run for your life! (Sponge does, and jumps inside a mailbox. Relieved, he relaxes. He hears interference on his walkie-talkie, and answers it)
SpongeBob: Say again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac is in the mailbox!
SpongeBob: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Runs around in the mailbox, demolishing some buildings) (A "Wanted Sign" with SpongeBob's picture on it falls in SpongeBob's hands).
SpongeBob: Huh… this guy’s not half-bad-looking for a maniac. …wait a minute, Patrick. I’m the maniac!
Patrick: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mrs. Puff: Just right after I made you hall monitor,you destroyed half the city.
Police: Do you know this guy lady?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, Im the one that gave him the uniform, he's my responsibility. (The cops have mad looks on their faces) Uh-oh!
Mrs. Puff: (On a camera at the boating school) Remember class, red means stop, green means go. And spongebob, I would like to see you after class, 6 months from now!

(As SpongeBob walks down the street before he meets Patrick up on a wall)
SpongeBob: I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol, I'm on patrolllll. (stops as he sees puddle of ice cream on the ground). (gasps) Vandals! Another crime. (scoops up a glob of ice cream with his finger and tastes it). Hmmm...strawberry. I must act! (Is cut short by ice cream falling on his head. Patrick is sitting on the wall eating ice cream). (SpongeBob offscreen) Patrick! (Patrick looks around confused). Patrick! (He then looks at his ice cream). Patrick!
Patrick: My ice cream! It's alive! AAAAHHHHHHH! (Drops ice cream onto SpongeBob's face)
SpongeBob: Patrick, down here!
Patrick: (Looking down) Oh SpongeBob, it's you
SpongeBob: (With ice cream covering his eyes) Patrick, come down here (Patrick jumps down from the wall flattening SpongeBob underneath him)
Patrick: (Looking around) SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:(Muffled under Patrick) I'm down here (Patrick gets off of him and peels him off of the ground)
Patrick: (Laughs) You look funny!

Sandy's Rocket [1.8a]

Patrick: Pardon my French, but GET THIS THING OFF ME!

SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. How can you be so naive? There's evidence all around us. How do you explain Atlantis? Cowlicks? 99 cent stores? And how about those mysterious circles that show up in Kelp Fields over night? [Circles her, drawing a circle with his shoes, points] DAAH! There's one now!

SpongeBob: Stop, Patrick! Can't you see this is all a trick? The aliens are projecting our memories onto the environment. They're trying to confuse us, Patrick.
Patrick: So you mean to say, that they've taken what we thought we think, and are making us think our thoughts we've been thinking the thoughts we think that we thought... I think?
SpongeBob: Okay, but I'm not going to fall for it! [captures Gary with the net gun]
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: You got him, SpongeBob! Won't Sandy be proud?
SpongeBob: Sandy! I forgot all about her! Ohh, she's gonna hate us for stealing her rocket! But won't she feel silly when I bring her back a real live alien? Ahh, she'll love me! Come on Patrick, the more the merrier! [tosses Gary into the rocket, a ticker clicks to 01, (The Price is Right ding)]
Patrick: ALIEN HUNTING! ALIEN HUNTING!
SpongeBob: Quiet, Patrick. Don't let them know we're on to them. [artificially] Uh, yeah. Alien hunting. I saw that on TV too! Gee Patrick, why don't we drop in on our old pal Squidward and see what he's up to. [To Patrick]. Make sure your gun is pumped. [Patrick pumps his net gun twice and then follows SpongeBob into Squidward's house]
Patrick: (points at Squidward's hot water bottle) Spongebob, what is that thing?
Spongebob: Patrick, do you know what this thing is?
Patrick: Stinky?
Spongebob: No, its an egg sac. Let's look at the embryo(shines a torch on it).
Spongebob and Patrick: Twins!

SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob: Yeah? Well I got you now!
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me, it's (POP) ... me that's got me!

Squeaky Boots [1.8b]

Mr. Krabs: It's not the boots, it's the boot-ee! Err, umm, the person IN the boots! You're a great fry cook!
SpongeBob: You really think so Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I do, son. (gives SpongeBob money) Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. (gives more money) PLUS, a bonus! (takes bonus back) Well, there's your paycheck anyway! I need a vacation!

Mr. Krabs: (dancing a jig) Pearl's me daughter, she's a whale, and it's her birthday! Arrg Arrgh!

[Squidward storms out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally hitting Mr. Krabs in the face as he bursts through the front doors.]
Squidward: That's it, Mr. Krabs! I'm taking my vacation now!
Mr. Krabs: [With his face pressed against the glass of the door] What's wrong, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: [Sarcastically] I can't take the world's greatest fry cook anymore! I'll see you in a week.

Mr. Krabs: What would you like?
Tom: I'll take a (squeak).
Mr. Krabs: What?
Tom: I said, I'll take a (squeak).
SpongeBob: I heard his order, Mr. Krabs, he said he wants the (squeak).
Mr. Krabs: Huh? (this leads to a montage which leads to Krabs going insane. It’s in inverted colors. We switch through scenes of a scared Krabs, the mouths of Tom and SpongeBob, the clock that now squeaks and reads, “Squeaky Squeak”) What the-- (the menu which is in squeak language.) I didn't write that! (A distorted sink is leaking and we see faint images of SpongeBob and the boots and we hear him say, "Could the world's greatest frycook do this? And this? and he repeats the two last words. Eventually, everything tangles together on a nauseating swirl and Krabs finally snaps)
Mr. Krabs: STOP IIIIIT! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Don't you hear it?! Yes, I did it! I did it! I took the boots! They're here, under the floorboards! Oh, please, make it stop! It's the squeaking of the hideous boots! (lifts floorboards) I'm sorry! But I can't take the infernal squeakin' no more! (takes the boots to his office and dunks them in a deep fryer, which causes them to shrink. He eats the boots, and burps loudly.) The deed is done!

Mr. Krabs: Spongeboy me bob!

Mr. Krabs: Ah, money to my ears...I mean music.

Nature Pants [1.9a]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob...SpongeBob? Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

Squidward: [About Spongebob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants.
Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
Patrick: [On the verge of tears] Patrick SAD!!!

[Patrick approaches Spongebob in Jellyfish Fields with a net.]
Spongebob: Patrick! What are you doing?
[Patrick looks at Spongebob with tears in his eyes.]
Patrick: If I can't have you as a friend, I'm going to make you a trophy!

Spongebob: Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning.

[After a long, difficult day, Spongebob realizes being a jellyfish isn't all it's cracked up to be, and he slowly and sadly returns to his real home in Bikini Bottom.]
Spongebob: What have I done? I had a great life, and friends, and I gave all that up.
[Spongebob slowly enters his house, and the minute he sets foot in the door, the lights immediately go on, and Mr. Krabs and Patrick and Sandy and Squidward and Gary all greet Spongebob with party hats and noisemakers. The entire living room is decorated with balloons and streamers, there is a long table filled with refreshments, and a giant banner reads "WELCOME HOME".]
Everyone: Welcome home, Spongebob!
Spongebob: [Touched] You guys are the best. I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, quit your blubberin' and have a Krabby Patty!
[He offers Spongebob a fresh Krabby Patty, which Spongebob happily accepts.]
Spongebob: Don't mind if I do!
Mr. Krabs: And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning!
Spongebob: [Saluting] Aye-aye, Captain!

(SpongeBob hugs Squidward followed by everyone else)

Squidward: Could we please stop?
  • "Patrick... itchy!"

Opposite Day [1.9b]

Spongebob: :[running in his bedroom]: Gary! It's opposite day and...:[slows down]: walk don't run... and I'm :[thinks for a moment]: Opposites. Opposites. I'm just going to lay in bed all day. :[gets in bed]: Too bad it only comes once a year. Huh Gary?
[Gary meows.]
SpongeBob: Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?
[Gary barks SpongeBob smiles]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
Squidward: Grr... Let me show you guys how much I hate you! [Squidward chases them with a bulldozer.] Happy Opposite Day, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever think Squidward likes us too much?

Realtor: What kind of fool do you take me for? [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward, [points to Patrick] he's Squidward, [points to the real Squidward] you're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any more Squidwards I should know about?!
Gary: [wearing a pickle in between his eyes] Meow!
Realtor: I'm outta here.
Squidward: Wait,...
SpongeBob: don't-
Patrick: -go!

Squidward: Opposite Day! Next time, it's Go-Jump-off-a-Cliff Day.

(in front of the demolished pineapple house)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.......I mean, good bye, Squidward! Isn't opposite day.......terrible!
(yelling from Squidward's house)
Squidward: I'll tell what terrible....living next to you, you're the worst neighbor in history!
SpongeBob: Gee,that's the nicest thing Squidward had ever said to me.


Realitor: So, tell some of the best things about your home.
SpongeBob:well, the floor creaks, the roof leaks, theres a terrible draft, and THERES A WILD MAN EATTING CLAMS IN THE BACK YARD!!!!

Culture Shock [1.10a]

Squidward: Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well it's not. It's mine.

Gary: Ahem...Meow, meow, meow....
Sandy: Awwww...He has such a way with words.

Squidward: Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty. [mutters] No-one else would give it a home.
[Patrick bursts out laughing]

F.U.N [1.10b]

Mr. Krabs: Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [Notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe scallops'll fly out of me pants! [Jumps into the "boat" that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing like crazy] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!

Plankton: [On a robotic jellyfish] All knees will bow to Plankton, hail Plankton! I win, I WIN!

Plankton: That naive cube!

Plankton: [singing] F is for fire that burns down the whole town. U is for Uranium... bombs. N is for no survivors when you...

Spongebob: [Singing] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere, any time at all--
Chorus: --down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton: Being evil is too much fun!

sandy:yoooo dog patrick:how u doin dog

Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost [1.11b]

Squidward: Spongebob I have a confession to make, [takes off towel from his head]
Spongebob: [gasps] YOU'RE BALD!
Squidward: No I'm not bald! I'm ALIVE!

SpongeBob: Hike Patrick, hike! You just lost 3 points! [climbs up pole] 1, 2, 5! [stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7'] G7!
Patrick: G7?! King me, king me! [smashes into pole] I lose!
SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [shouting from his house] What are you invertebrates doing?! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then at Squidward.]
Both: We don't know.
Squidward: Say, Patrick, what time is it?
Patrick: Oh, it's, uh... [checks the time and accidentally spills the rest of the bubble soap on the floor]
Squidward: Time to find some other game to play! [laughs]

SpongeBob: Patrick say that again.
Patrick: That again.
SpongeBob: No, the other thing.
Patrick:No, the other thing.
SpongeBob: No what you said before when you...
Patrick: No what you said before when you...
SpongeBob: Never Mind! I have an idea.
Patrick: Never Mind! I have an idea.

SpongeBob: [Giving Squidward food] A grape, fresh from the vine, your spookiness. A banana, peeled to your liking, your incorporealness.
Patrick: One watermelon [wedges sizable watermelon in Squidward's mouth] fresh from the manure fields, your spookiness!

Patrick: You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here, and SpongeBob, I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts drooling and SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ... me.

SpongeBob: Oh, let’s see. It’s a comic book, and look at this: it’s the origin on the Flying Dutchman. It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don’t you get it, Patrick?
Patrick: We’re going to go shopping?
SpongeBob: No! We’re gonna put poor old Squidward to rest. (cut to Squidward sitting on the couch. SpongeBob and Patrick peek up from behind it, and they spit two spitballs at him)

Squidward: Ow! What the heck was that?
SpongeBob: Initiation! (he giggles) That was part one of your ceremony.
Squidward: Ceremony for what?
SpongeBob: We’re going to put you to rest.
Squidward: I don’t want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, really? I’m going to go check. (he walks off. He opens the door and screams. Inside are Sponge and Pat holding open the door to a coffin)
SpongeBob: OK, get in.
Squidward: Are you crazy? I’m not getting in that thing.
SpongeBob: But you said we could put you to rest.
Squidward: I didn’t say anything like that! Now, get out of my house!
SpongeBob: OK.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

The Chaperone [1.12]

[When Mr. Krabs suggests that Pearl take SpongeBob to the prom]
Pearl: Aagh! The fry cook! Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People will mistake me for a planetarium!
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Pearl: I...don't...know! But I can't take him, Daddy. They'll kick me out of the Most-Frequently-Pictured-in-the-Yearbook Committee.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, they would.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?
Mr. Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now she can't seem to find another.
Pearl: That's because there's only one fish in the sea as long, tan, and handsome as he is, and that's him!

Spongebob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! I am a prom expert!

Spongebob: Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: No, that was Patrick who brought his mom.

Spongebob: How am I supposed to compare to Pearl's old boyfriend, Mr. Long-Tan-and-Handsome?

[Pearl and Spongebob get kicked out of the gym where the prom is being held after they make a total mess of everything.]
Teenage Fish: Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya?

[Spongebob and Pearl are standing together outside Pearl's house, when suddenly Mr. Krabs bursts through the front door with a giant rake in his claws.]
Mr. Krabs: Keep away from my precious little flower! [Approaching a delicate sea flower in his garden] You almost stepped on it.

Pearl: [To Spongebob] Well, goodnight, Short-Yellow-and-Spongy.

SB-129 [1.14a]

Squidward: I went to the future. You don't know how happy I am to see you guys.
SpongeBob: Does this mean you wanna go... Jellyfishing?
Squidward: NO! Sheesh, who was the barnacle head that invented that game anyway?
SpongeBob and Patrick: You are, Squidward! [laughing]
Squidward: I'm going back.

Narrator: Squidward is about to practice his clarinet, so get your ear plugs ready.

SpongeTron: Everything is chrome in the future!

Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeTron: Yep. All 426 of them.
Squidward: [lies down on the floor and starts spasming] FU-TURE! FU-TURE! FU-TURE!

Karate Choppers [1.14b]

Hot Sauce Drop: By the powers of naughtieness, I command this paticalaur drop of hot sauce to be really, really, hot!

Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get the bathrooms mopped yet?
SpongeBob: Yes ma'am. I mean sir. I mean boss. I mean Poobah!

Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
SpongeBob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kare-ah-tay, as some like to call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kare-ah-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay!
Spongebob: Aye-aye, Capi-tay!

Sandy: I love Karate.
SpongeBob: I love Kare-ah-tay.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay.
Squidward: I hate all of you.

SpongeBob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't! Because I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [swivels hands around] (Hiss) Took care of her, yes I did. [Runs into Mr. Krabs] Uh, Ahoy, sir!
Mr. Krabs: What was that?
SpongeBob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo!

SpongeBob: I know! We can pretend to be plants! [lies down on his back and pretents to be a plant] Photosynthesis...Photosynthesis...Photosynthesis...

Spongebob: ...pile of cans? Mmm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet.
Sandy: No it's not, Spongebob. (shows him a squirrel mask) This is!

Sleepy Time [1.15a]

Patrick: Does anyone have a quarter?

Gary: [To Spongebob in his dream] How dare you invade the sanctity of my dreams!
Spongebob: Gary, you can talk!
Gary: [Sighs] In dreams, one is not tethered by earthly limitations.

The King: [In Squidward's dream] I came here to hear beautiful music! If I don't get my wish, it'll be your head!

Spongebob: Gee, Gary, you sure are smart.
Gary: Did you think my shell was full of hot air?

Gary: For ages, dreams have been thought of as windows to another realm.

Gary: [In his dream] 'Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again.' Emily Dickinson wrote that.
Spongebob: [Clueless] Who?

[Gary investigates Spongebob's socks just before they go to bed.]
Gary: [Puzzled] Meow?
Spongebob: Oh, Gary! You know what they say: Curiosity salted the snail. Mind your wandering eye, you little mollusk!

Gary: [To Spongebob as he is heading out of his dream] Beware of your wandering eye, you little poriferan!

Gary: [Reading a poem in his dream] There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true.

The King: [To Spongebob in Squidward's dream] Oh, do tell me the one about the man from Peru again!

Spongebob: I sure take a good picture.

[Spongebob poses as a clarinet in Squidward's dream. When Squidward tries to play, Spongebob sings totally off-key and sour notes. The entire audience gasps.]
Squidward: [Furious] Spongebob!
[But Squidward sees, to his great astonishment, that the king for which he is playing is moved to tears.]
The King: [Sobbing] Wh-wh-why have you stopped playing that wonderful music?

[The entire audience listens to Spongebob's horrible singing with tears in their eyes.]
Spectator: [Dabbing at his moist eyes with a hanky] This music touches me ever so, that I fear my tears might stain my petticoat.

[In Spongebob's dream, he dreams he is driving a race boat at top speed in a land of Krabby patties and spatulas.]
Spongebob: Wait a minute! I don't have a driver's license!
[A driver's license appears in midair in front of him. Spongebob takes it and stares at it in awe.]
Spongebob: Wow...my driver's license!

[Spongebob is too busy staring at his driver's license to pay attention to his actual driving, and he crashes into a big rock and gets thrown out of the car.]
Spongebob: [As he flies through the air] How could I have forgotten the most important rule of driving? Always wear your seat belt!

Spongebob: [In Plankton's dream] This isn't a dream! This is a nightmare!

Plankton: Well, I guess I've got some explaining to do.

Spongebob: [To Mrs. Puff in his dream] Mrs. Puff, look! I finally got my driver's license!
Mrs. Puff: Not even in your dreams, Mr. Squarepants!
[She snatches Spongebob's license out of his hands and tears it to shreds.]
Spongebob: NOOOOOOOO!

Plankton: Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot!

Suds

Spongebob: Sandy, I'm sick, can you escort me to the doctor's?

Arrgh! [1.17a]

Patrick: [reads from a game board card] Someone's been a naughty pirate. Lock them up in the brig. Hmmmm... it's off to jail for you, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Patrick, you're fired.
Patrick: But I don't even work here!
Mr. Krabs: Would you like a job, starting today? [gives Patrick a Krusty Krab employee hat]
Patrick: Boy, would I!
Mr. Krabs: You're fired. [takes hat away]

Mr. Krabs: Where is the treasure? 10,000 paces east!
Patrick: Oh, east? I thought you said "Weast".
Mr. Krabs: Weast?! What kind of compass are ya reading lad?
Patrick: This one sir.
Mr. Krabs: That's west, Patrick. You're fired again.

[after they crash into "land"]
Mr. Krabs: Status report, Mr. Squarepants.
SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater, Captain!

Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks!
Spongebob: But we've only been out here a few hours...
Patrick: I know.

Rock Bottom [1.17b]

[Patrick sees a sign saying, 'You are now leaving Bikini Bottom']

Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick?
Patrick: Where's "Leaving Bikini Bottom"?
SpongeBob: Where did you see that?
Patrick: We just passed the sign. "You are now in leaving Bikini Bottom".
SpongeBob: [gasps] WHAT?!
Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [sees sign that says "Bikini Bottom: City Limits"] Patrick, I think we're on the wrong... [screams as bus goes down road] ...bus!

SpongeBob: I guess Grandpa SquarePants was right -- don't run for a bus. [Imitates his grandpa] Especially one that's going up at a 90-degree angle.

[Spongebob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom.]
Spongebob: It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different.
[Spongebob scoops up a handful of soil. The soil speaks to him.]
Soil: [Between blowing raspberries] Would you mind--[blowing two raspberries]--putting me down?

Patrick: Spongebob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't want to be here! I wanna go home! Look--I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!

[Spongebob's stomach growls as he waits for the next bus.]
Spongebob: Getting hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World.
[Spongebob takes out a glove candy dispenser and eats several pieces of candy, but then spits them out in disgust.]
Spongebob: Ewww! Glove-flavoured!

Texas [1.18a]

Sandy: [Points her finger at SpongeBob and Patrick] Don't you dare take the name of Texas in vain!
Patrick: So,we can't say anything about dumb ol' Texas?
Sandy: No! You can't say nothin' bad about Texas.
SpongeBob: [with questioned face] Oh, so we can't say anything bad about [sticking his tongue out with googling eyes] Texas.

[Patrick is lassoed by Sandy and pulled backwards]
Patrick: Noo! Spongeboooob!
[Spongebob keeps running and a nuclear explosion occurs where Patrick was taken]
Spongebob: Ahhh!

SpongeBob:hey patrick! what am I? [changes into the shape of texas] Patrick:uhhhh...stupid? Spongebob:no...im Texas. Patrick:Whats the difference?

Walking Small [1.18b]

SpongeBob: Excuse me, you are sitting on my body, which is also my face.
Plankton: Don't let that guy sit on you! Be assertive!
SpongeBob: [Pokes finger into fish's pocket] Bee-beep!
Plankton: Not insertive!

Plankton: You just let people step all over you. You're just like stairs.

Plankton: Spongebob, there's the guy that took your ice cream! Now be assertive!
Spongebob: Hey, that's my ice cream!
Plankton: That's it Spongebob! Now let him HAVE IT!
Spongebob: You can have it.

Plankton: It is becoming increasingly obvious... I can deny it no longer... I am small.

SpongeBob:You used me... for land development! [says in sad, high pitched voice] That wasn't nice!

Spongebob: [Doing a funny beach walk] Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, brrrrrrroo-do-do!

[Spongebob sees Plankton sitting on a bench with two ice cream cones, crying his eye out.]
Spongebob: Plankton? What are you doing here? And why are you crying?
Plankton: [Tearfully] Oh, hi, Spongebob. [Blows his nose loudly on a tiny handkerchief.] I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! [Crying harder] I don't know what to do with the other one!
[Spongebob looks puzzled for a moment. Plankton's sobs intensify.]
Spongebob: I'll eat one of those ice cream cones for you.
[Plankton abruptly stops crying.]
Plankton: Spongebob, would you do that for me?
Spongebob: [Cheerfully] Sure!
[Spongebob immediately seizes one of the two ice cream cones and starts eating it very noisily.]
Plankton: Spongebob?
[Spongebob is too busy licking and slurping the ice cream.]
Plankton: [A little louder] Spongebob?
[Spongebob devours the ice cream down to the cone, then starts lapping up what's left with his tongue.]
Plankton: [Through a small megaphone] SPONGEBOB!
Spongebob: [With his mouth full] Yeah?
[He turns to face Plankton directly, accidentally spraying him with bits of ice cream residue. Plankton pretends to not mind.]
Plankton: [Flatteringly] Isn't it great to get the things you desire? Like that ice cream cone, for instance.
[Spongebob licks his fingers as he listens to Plankton.]
Plankton: You can have anything you want with a little training.
Spongebob: [Still licking his fingers] Training?
Plankton: Yes. You just have to learn to be more assertive. And I can show you how.
Spongebob: [Sucking on one finger] Assertive, huh?
Plankton: That's right!
Spongebob: [Takes a moment to ponder] Anything I want... [Smacks his lips together a few times, then leans towards Plankton eagerly] Sounds great!
Plankton: [Evilly] Wonderful!

[A little girl is crying about her sand-covered ice cream. Spongebob takes the ice cream and uses his eyelashes to dust away the sand. When he gives the girl her treat back, it is sparkling clean.]
Plankton: Butterfly kisses! I can't take it! It's too cute! It--it's disgusting!

Spongebob: Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting! [Curls into a fetal position] Need...hatred...
Spongebob:...Volleyball anyone?

Fools in April [1.19a]

Evelyn: Do you know where the forks are?
SpongeBob: Right here.
Evelyn: Uhh... that's a spoon.
SpongeBob: [Giggles] April Fools!

Tom: Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?
SpongeBob: Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [Sponge walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!
Tom: Thanks. [Drinks his lemonade, SpongeBob giggling with every sip.]
SpongeBob: April Fools!
Tom: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DRINK?!
SpongeBob: I... I... [giggles]
Tom: You what?!
SpongeBob: You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]

SpongeBob: [points at his own tongue] Hey! Your shoe's untied! [tongue looks down] April Fools![hugging his own tongue] You're not wearing shoes! [laughs]
Squidward: [saying to Spongebob]' April Fools! [laughs]
Spongebob: [cries]
Fish#1: [to Squidward] April Fools, jerk.
Fish#2: You stink!

Hooky [1.20a]

Mr. Krabs: [In a customer's face] The hooks! The hooks!
Customer: How about a mint?

Mr. Krabs: So, there I was, minding my own business--
Squidward: I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but I have to do my wastebasket inspections. [Holds a wastebasket over his head] Mmm-hmmm...mmm-hmmm...oh, yeah, there's one...

[Mr. Krabs is explaining the dangers of the hooks to Spongebob.]
Mr. Krabs: The hooks, me bucko. They're back. Beware the hooks.
SpongeBob: The hooks?
Mr. Krabs: AYE, the hooks. They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and HIGHER, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya--or worse!
Spongebob: [Terrified] What could be worse than that?
Mr. Krabs: [Softly] Gift shops.

Patrick: Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Crew!
Spongebob: Hey, Patrick!
Patrick: Guess what? The carnival's in town! Come on, let's go!
Spongebob: I can't leave now, I'm working.
Patrick: It's not leaving. You're just taking a break.
[Spongebob grins and slithers silently out of the Krusty Krab kitchen to join Patrick.]

[Patrick leads Spongebob to a secluded area where hooks are dangling everywhere.]
Patrick: There it is, Spongebob! The carnival is back in town! I'm gonna be first in line for everything!

[Spongebob has an uneasy feeling about the so-called "carnival".]
Spongebob: Doesn't look like any carnival I ever--
[The rest of Spongebob's sentence is cut off when he bumps into a large hook.]
Spongebob: Oh, excuse me!
[Suddenly he realizes just what the thing dangling in front of him is, and he rushes urgently to Patrick.]
Spongebob: Stop, Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick, those are hooks! Mr. Krabs said they're really dangerous!
[Patrick sits on a hook's barbed end to think about it a moment, then smiles.]
Patrick: I sense no danger here. How could they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!
Spongebob: All I know is Mr. Krabs said--Patrick, don't do that!
[Patrick eats a block of cheese straight off a hook.]
Patrick: Mmmmm...cheesy.

Spongebob: Patrick, don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by myself?
[Suddenly the hook Patrick is holding onto jerks into the air, taking Patrick up towards the surface.]
Spongebob: [Terrified] Patrick! Help! [Running around like crazy] Oh, Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, come back! Oh, my best friend!
[Patrick suddenly floats gently back to the ocean floor, and Spongebob accidentally bumps into him.]
Spongebob: [Gratefully] Patrick, you're alive!
Patrick: Am I ever! You should try it!
Spongebob: But what about the surface? And your britches? And the gift shops?!?!?!
Patrick: You just jump off before you go up too high.

[In the Krusty Krab dining area]
Customer 1: Pee-yew! You call this food?!
Customer 2: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!
Customer 3: My sandwich is a fried boot!

[The customers get angry at Squidward; of all of them, Tom can be heard.]
Tom: COME ON! HURRY UP! WE'RE STARVING OUT HERE, I MEAN LOOK AT US! MY KIDS HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. [In the kitchen] THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLIP IT!
Squidward: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO EAT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?!

[In the Krusty Krab kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! What the halibut's going on in here?
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, sir, and SpongeBob's still not back from his break!
[Mr. Krabs takes one look at Squidward, and bursts out laughing.]
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59. [Chuckles] Now, what were you saying?
Squidward: [With emphasis] He took a break.
[Mr. Krabs looks at Squidward, and his arms fall off, then his nose falls off, too. Later we see Mr. Krabs storming out the front doors.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, Spongebob LazyPants! I'll find you. This nose can smell laziness for up to 10,000 leagues! [Sniffs the water] A-HA! [Starts to march off] I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!
Squidward: [With a mob of angry customers forming around him] But, Mr. Krabs, I still need -- [The mob carries him off] -- HEEELLLLP!

[Mr. Krabs sees Spongebob and Patrick among the hooks, and tries to stop them.]
SpongeBob & Patrick: One...two...three! Blast-off!
[The hook hoists them into the air just as Mr. Krabs is rushing out at them, and Mr. Krabs crashes facefirst into a rock and ends up flat on his back. Heartbreaking music starts playing in the background.]
Mr. Krabs: [Thinking Spongebob and Patrick are gone forever] Boys! I wasn't quick enough. They're gone! [On the verge of tears] Oh, if I could only hold them in me arms again, I'd--I'd--
[He sees Spongebob and Patrick float down in front of him, and anger replaces his sadness.]
Mr. Krabs: --I'd throttle 'em! [Yelling] What'd I tell you about those hooks, boy?!?!
SpongeBob: [Stammering] I--I--
Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks! You ride 'em up and up and up...then you gently float down.
Mr. Krabs: [In Patrick's face] And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?
SpongeBob: Gift shop?
Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna! With nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!
[Bloody murder is heard in the background.]

Mr. Krabs: I want you boys to promise me you'll never go on those hooks again.
Patrick and Spongebob: We promise, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks I'll never go!
Patrick and Spongebob: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks we'll never go.
[A sharp hook jabs Mr. Krabs in the rear end. Mr. Krabs howls to high heaven in pain and leaps half a mile into the air.]
Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
Patrick and Spongebob: [Copying Mr. Krabs] Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

Pearl: Look, it's Spongebob Nudie pants!

[At the very end of the episode, Patrick is returned to Bikini Bottom trapped inside a can of tuna.]
Patrick: Hello? Does somebody have a can opener?

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II [1.20b]

Mermaid Man: Don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow! Or the villain.

Mermaid Man and SpongeBob: [singing] Oh jingle bells, Mermaid Man smells, Barnacle Boy laid an egg; the Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and...

Season Two

Your Shoe's Untied [2.1a]

SpongeBob: TADA! A perfect Patty.
Squidward: Alright SpongeBob, hand it over. [waits] Well?
SpongeBob: [hesitates] Hey Squidward! I've got an idea! How about you come get it?
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh gee, SpongeBob, now that's a great idea! And maybe I should cook the Patties, and do the dishes, and wear square pants, and live in a pineapple, while YOU wait in the unemployment line!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Then bring the Patty here NOW!

Squidward: I think my heart just stopped.

Squidward: It's Sponge-[burps loudly] Bob's fault! SpongeBob's fault!

Patrick: [Spongebob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab's wood planks] Spongebob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?

SpongeBob: [screaming hysterically] DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A KNOT?!!!!!

SpongeBob: [stuck to Painty the Pirate] Could you show me how to tie my shoes?
Painty: Aargh! I be just a paintin' of a head.

Squid's Day Off [2.1b]

Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime.

Mr. Krabs: Get away barbarian, look what you've done! Nice, clean money, SOILED!

Something Smells [2.2a]

Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [sobs]
Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look!

Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. [picks up SpongeBob and seats him] It's called "The Ugly Barnacle". Once there was an ugly Barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The End.
Spongebob: That didn't help at all.
Spongebob: How long. How long have I been ugly Patrick?
Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you.

SpongeBob: [yelling] I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

Patrick: What is WRONG with you people?! Afraid to look ugliness in the face?! [picks up SpongeBob and starts waving him around] Well, HERE! LOOK AT IT! IT'S UGLY, ISN'T IT?! [waves SpongeBob at one group of people] YOU LOOK AT IT!
SpongeBob: Hello.
[group runs off after smelling his breath]
Patrick: [waves SpongeBob at another group] YOU LOOK AT IT!
SpongeBob: Hi.
[second group follows suit]
Patrick: [waves him at the entire audience] LOOK AT IT!
[audience runs off]
Patrick: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!!

SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.
Patrick: [with foul breath pouring out of his mouth] That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought, "If I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do."
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?! My sister--! Wait. I don't have a sister. The bank--! Oh, it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but--!
SpongeBob: PATRICK!!!!!

Spongebob: Wow! It's Sunday, Gary! Guess what's for breakfast!
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: [As he enters the kitchen] That's right! A sundae.

[Spongebob is trying to think of what toppings to use for his "sundae". He studies what he has in the cupboard.]
Spongebob: Bananas. Cherries. Boring. Ah, here we go! Onions! Ready, Gary?
[We see Gary with a violin.]
Gary: Meow.
[Sad violin music begins to play, and Spongebob bursts into tears as he cuts up the onions.]

Spongebob: This sundae's gonna taste great! Aren't you gonna help me, Gary? [Realizes Gary is nowhere to be seen in the kitchen] Gary? Ah, well, more for me!

[Spongebob is appalled at how putrid Patrick's breath is.]
Spongebob: Oh, barnacles! Patrick, what did you eat?!
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--
Spongebob: [Holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--
Spongebob: What else?
Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
[All at once it dawns on Spongebob.]
Spongebob: Sundae. Patrick, my sundae gave us rancid breath!
Patrick: What'cha mean?
Spongebob: I mean, we're not ugly. We just stink!

Bossy Boots [2.2b]

Squidward: [Deadpan] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.

Pearl: Squidward is such a barnacle.

Mr. Krabs: I can smell the money already!

[Pearl gives Spongebob his new uniform, which consists of a bright pink body suit covered with bright purple flowers.]
Pearl: Oh, Spongebob, you look so adorable! I could just eat you up!
Spongebob: Sorry, Pearl, this item's not on the menu!

[Pearl has just transformed the Krusty Krab into the Kuddly Krab.]
Teenage Fish: Finally, a place for teens to just, you know, hang out.

Squidward: Fish paste.

Spongebob: The customers may be hot, but my grill is hotter.

[Spongebob finds, to his horror, that his grill is gone.]
Spongebob: Where's the grill?!?!
Pearl: Come on, Spongebob, you're a hip guy. You know fried foods are O-U-T, out.
Spongebob: [Weakly] Er...right on.

[Pearl gives Spongebob the new Kuddly Krab menu.]
Spongebob: [Reading the menu aloud] 'Salad, and tea.' But where are the Krabby Patties?

Squidward: That's it, I quit!

[Spongebob decides to confront Mr. Krabs about Pearl.]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, Pearl is ruining the Krusty Krab!
Mr. Krabs: What?! Why, Pearl is saving the Krusty Krab! I mean, the Kuddly Krab.

SpongeBob: I did it, Mr Krabs! [Finds that Krabs has fainted] AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [Breaks open a glass case containing a dollar bill and waves the bill under Krabs' nose]
Mr. Krabs: Is that a 20? [Grabs dollar]

Big Pink Loser [2.3a]

[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]
SpongeBob: [reading award caption] For outstanding achievement in achievement - SpongeBob Squarepants?
Patrick: 'SpongeBob Squarepants', that's a funny way to spell my name.
Spongebob: Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
Patrick: [sadly] But, it's shiny! [starts to cry]
Spongebob: Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice cream!
Spongebob: Exactly!
Patrick: Where is it? Is it in here?
Spongebob: No, don't, that's my...[Patrick opens door, causing all the trophies Spongebob has earned to collapse]
Spongebob: ...Award closet.
Patrick: I'll never get an award!
Spongebob: [With two ribbons on his eyes] Aw, Patrick, don't cry!
Patrick: [cries]

SpongeBob: It look's a little dusty around table 3, how about if you sweep it up?
Patrick: What's the point? I Can't do anything right!
SpongeBob: You'll Do Fine.
[loud noise comes from the mop, Patrick is scraping the wrong end of the mop on the floor]
Phil: [walks up to Patrick] Hey Pal, you just blow in from Stupid Town?
SpongeBob: Keep trying, Patrick.
Trophy Giver Fish: I've got a load of awards for SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob: First, we need a jar.::
[Patrick holds up a pickle]
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a pickle.
Patrick: Yes.
Spongebob: You need a jar.

[Phone rings and Patrick answers it]
Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick.
[Patrick hangs up and whistles]
Another Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [annoyed] No, this is Patrick!
[Patrick hangs up and continues whistling]
Yet Another Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [fed up] NO!!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!! [hangs up, sulking] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Uh... Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? [Puts his hands on his face in anger] Oooh.........FISH PASTE!!!!!

[SpongeBob is instructing Patrick on how to remove a jar lid]
(Patrick flails his arms grabbing things randomly, to which SpongeBob responds by saying "The lid!" getting more annoyed each time)
SpongeBob: Freeze!
(Patrick holding on to the jar panting)
SpongeBob: Almost there... Now head for the lid.
(Patrick sweating excessively and moves his hand down)
SpongeBob: Cold.. [Patrick moves his hand up.] warmer, warmer, warmer! You're hot!
[Patrick puts his hand on the lid.]
SpongeBob: YOU'RE ON FIRE!!
Patrick: [screaming] Aaaah! It burns!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are copying each other.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Mary had a little lamb, whose face was white as... Picklefishlips!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yorgyschmorgies!

Bubble Buddy [2.3b]

Squidward: If there is anything else I can do for you, please hesitate to ask!

Scooter: [buried up to his head in sand] [to Bubble Buddy] Dude, look! It's almost high tide!

Scooter: [as angel; already dead] Dude, he made me experience high tide! [flies up into heaven]

Squidward: Oh, silly me. I got the Diet Shampoo.

Spongebob: Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!
Squidward: And?
Spongebob: Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant. He can't eat cheese!

Squidward: Here's your haircare product, sir.

Spongebob: It's his first time.
Fish: Congratulations.

Dying For Pie [2.4a]

Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears...and you kill him.

Squidward: Well, we'd better get started on this list before you die...of anticipation.

Spongebob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay.

Mr. Krabs: So, are you ready?
Squidward: To go home?
Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy! [Points to Spongebob]

Mr. Krabs: [To Squidward] That attitude of yours is precisely why we're having this little shenanigan! Now pay attention. The lad's got a surprise for ye.
Spongebob: Squidward, in honor of Employee Brotherhood, I present to you a gift. Ta-da!
[Spongebob proudly holds out a sweater with "I Love You" scrawled all over it.]
Squidward: [Misreading the message] "I Heart You".
Mr. Krabs: [Enthusiastically] Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It's got "U" written all over it!

Squidward: Now may I resume my minimum-wage duties?
Mr. Krabs: After you present your Brotherhood Gift.
Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, no, no, you know the rules, lad. You have to make the gift.

[Squidward presents a pie he's just purchased from a gang of pirates to Mr. Krabs.]
Squidward: Here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.
Mr. Krabs: Not yet! I gotta make sure you did it right. [Takes a tiny piece of the pie and starts to eat it, then stops himself] Wait a second! This would go great with some milk!
[Mr. Krabs starts to get himself a carton of milk, but then he stumbles and drops the tiny crumb of pie, which causes a powerful explosion that blasts a large hole through the wall of Mr. Krabs' office. The force of the explosion catapults both Mr. Krabs and Squidward outside.]

[Squidward explains everything about the pie he's just bought to Mr. Krabs.]
Squidward: And that's what happened!
Mr. Krabs: Twenty-five dollars?! A bomb?!?!?
Both: IN THE KRUSTY KRAB?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[They quickly hurry back into Mr. Krabs' office, but the pie is already gone.]

Squidward: I'm going to make Spongebob's final hours the best he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! Drown in it!
[Once Squidward has left the room, Mr. Krabs takes out a pencil and a clipboard and jots down a note, muttering aloud to himself.]
Mr. Krabs: Note to self: Watch out for Squidward.

[Squidward and Spongebob leave the Krusty Krab together to complete Spongebob's Friendship List.]
Spongebob: Bye, Mr. Krabs!
[Mr. Krabs bursts into tears as he watches Spongebob leave, and he puts up a "Help Wanted" sign and walks away, still sobbing.]
Spongebob: [To Squidward, in a low voice] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace you.

[Squidward sees that Spongebob is still around, even though Spongebob's supposed to have blown up by now.]
Squidward: Why are you still here?
Spongebob: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. [Reveals a large, thick book to Squidward] We should be able to finish by January...
Squidward: [Knocking the book out of Spongebob's hands] FORGET THE BOOK!!!!!!!! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because YOU were supposed to EXPLODE!
Spongebob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: YES! That's what I've been waiting for!
Spongebob: [Hesitantly] Well...okay, I'll try. [Pretends to "explode"] GARY!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Squidward: [Shouting in Spongebob's face] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spongebob: Ooh, good one!
Squidward: NO! You're supposed to explode, into a million pieces!
Spongebob: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
Spongebob: What pie?
Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT PIE!!!!!
Spongebob: Pie? Oh, you mean this pie! [Holds the pie up, and Squidward is too flabbergasted to speak.] I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let's eat! Oops!
[Spongebob starts to move forward, but then trips on his shoelace. The pie flies into Squidward's face, and the pie goes off with the force of an atomic bomb.]

Imitation Krabs [2.4b]

Plankton: [Disguised as Robot Mr. Krabs] Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot.

Plankton: Coin-operated self-destruct, not one of my better ideas.

Plankton: Don't listen to [Mr. Krabs], SpongeBob. Remember - Ravioli ravioli, give me the formuoli.

SpongeBob: I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
Mr. Krabs: Yes... why aren't you working harder?

Plankton: I'll never get that formula with that pest Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny... because it is an ordinary penny!

Wormy [2.5a]

Squidward: Well, if moron theater is over, why don't we just have a look at this monster?

Patrick: Pet-sitting? Won't that hurt them?

Patrick: Sleep well, Wormy.

[Patrick communicates musically with Sandy's pet bird.]
Spongebob: Gee, Patrick, I didn't know you spoke bird.
Patrick: No, that's Italian, Spongebob.

[After spending a perfect day with "Wormy"]
Patrick: Gee, Spongebob, I don't want today to end, ever.
Spongebob: I know, Patrick. Days like today come around once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Patrick: Why must the sun set on this perfect day?

[When Spongebob hints that the "monster" must have eaten Wormy]
Patrick: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?

Patty Hype [2.5b]

Spongebob: Hey, Patrick, are you angry, too?
Patrick: Yeah!
Spongebob: What's the matter?
Patrick: I can't see my forehead!

Patrick: Spongebob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to find the answers to our problems.
Spongebob: I'm scared.
Patrick: Then I'm goin' in for ya! [climbs in Spongebob's head]

[Spongebob's face blows up like a huge balloon.]

Patrick: Sorry! Stupid inflatable pants!

Mr. Krabs: [To Spongebob about missing the Krusty Krab] I bet you miss Squidward, and the grill, and the crow's nest.
Spongebob: Yeah, yeah! And you know what I miss the most, Mr. Krabs? That tiny squeaky sound you get when you rub two pickles together.

Mr. Krabs: [Imitating Spongebob] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready--for me money!

[An angry mob of people come.]

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to Pretty Patties! May I take your money?
Fish: We want a refund, Krabs!

[The angry mob murmurs in agreement.]

Mr. Krabs: What?
[Spongebob's former customers complain to Mr. Krabs about the effects the Pretty Patties have left on them.]
Customer with Purple Face: Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple!
Scottish Fish: Look what I got under me kilt! [Lifts his kilt to reveal a plaid pattern on his body.]
Group of Fish: And look at our tongues! [They reveal their tongues, which have various designs on them. One fish's tongue appears normal.]
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong with you?
[The fish with the seemingly normal tongue pulls on a cord, and the lights go out. His tongue appears to glow neon-green in the dark.]
Fish with Glow-in-the-Dark Neon-Green Tongue: [with his tongue sticking out] We want our money back. All the 46,853 of us. [pulls cord again, and the lights go on. Mr. Krabs is not there.]
Fish: Hey! Where'd he go?

[There shows Mr. Krabs running, screaming, followed by the angry mob, leaving a beautiful rainbow behind them.]

Mr. Krabs: [hurls his face into the Krusty Krab door] Me key! Where's me key? Spongebob! Spongebob, let me in!

[While Mr. Krabs is shouting for Spongebob to let him in from the angry mob, he is too busy enjoying the sound of the squeaky sound you get when you rub two pickles together.]

Grandma's Kisses [2.6a]

Patrick: Being grown up is boring. Besides, I don't get jazz.

Grandma: You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
Spongebob: I don't?
Grandma: Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo. And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

Spongebob: What wonders await me today? Fresh baked cookies? Storytime? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for?! [Runs eagerly to his grandmother's house] Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!
[Grandma steps out of her house and welcomes her grandson with open arms.]
Grandma: Spongebob!
[Spongebob throws himself into her arms and they share a long hug.]
Spongebob: Hi, Grandma!

Spongebob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea.

[Grandma is busy baking cookies.]
Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon?
Spongebob: [Raising his hand] Me! Me!

[Grandma is telling Spongebob a story while he licks the spoon.]
Grandma: ...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows rolled down.
Spongebob: [Sweetly] Tell me another story about when I was a baby!

[clock ticks]

Spongebob: [gasps] 3:00! I gotta get to work!
Grandma: Don't worry, I'll drop you off.
Spongebob: Thanks for the ride, Grandma!
Grandma: Spongebob! You forgot your kissy-kissy. [kisses Spongebob]
Spongebob: Thanks, Grandma!

Squidville [2.6b]

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away from here that I will be able to brag about it. I would rather tear out my brainstem, take it to the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.

Spongebob: [hugging a random Squid] Squidward, we finally found you.
Random Squid: Get off me! And I'm not Squidward!
[There is a brief pause.]
Patrick: Are you Squidward now?

Squidward: I am finally among my own kind.

[At first Squidward is happy about living at his new place, where everyone is exactly the same, but after a while, he starts to lose interest.]
Squidward: [Talking to himself] Yeah, this is great. We might as well rename this town "Squidward's Paradise". Or, perhaps, "Too Much Paradise".

[Spongebob and Patrick approach Tentacle Acres, ready to apologize to Squidward and try to convince him to return to Bikini Bottom.]
Spongebob: You got our apology cake?
[Patrick holds up a large cake with the word "Sorry" written on it in sloppy icing. He keeps the cake safe in his pants.]
Spongebob: We're ready!
Patrick: Yay.

Voice of Security Guard: Hello, can I help you?
Patrick: Can I get a large number one, extra-sized?
Spongebob: [To Patrick] But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins.
Patrick: [Releasing his foul breath] I love fried oyster skins.

[Two security guards are getting ready to kick Patrick and Spongebob out, when Patrick's putrid breath wafts under their noses.]
Security Guard: [Appalled] Fried oyster skins?!
[Both keel over in a dead faint. One security guard hits his head on the button that opens the front gate, allowing Spongebob and Patrick to enter the city.]
Patrick: Guess we'll have to order inside.

Squidward: Stand back, I've got gardening tools!

Patrick: (to a Sqiudward look-a-like) Are you Squidward?
SpongeBob: (to a Squidward look-a-like) Are you Squidward?
Patrick: (to a fire hydrant) Are you Squidward?...that's OK, take your time.
SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidwards could be the real Squidward!
[They see Squidward flying out of Tentacle Acres using a reefblower as a jetpack]
SpongeBob: Well, we know one thing...it sure isn't that guy!

Squidward: This city needs to be destroyed..or at least painted a different color.

Pre-Hibernation Week [2.7a]

Sandy: I CAN'T BURN CARBS IN MY SLEEP!

[Everyone in Bikini Bottom is hiding under Patrick's house while Sandy goes on a rampage]

Patrick: [Looks at all the eyes sticking out from under the rock] WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!

Life of Crime [2.7b]

SpongeBob: We've got to move fast and cover our tracks!
[Patrick holds a painbrush covered in red paint on the ground behind him as he runs, to paint over their footprints]
Patrick: I'm on it, Spongebob!

[SpongeBob holds up two candy bars]
SpongeBob: Look what I've got!
Patrick: Rectangles!

Spongebob: Not just rectangles. Candy bars!

[SpongeBob gives Patrick a candy bar)
SpongeBob: All we have to do is make them last the rest of our lives.
Patrick: Thanks, Spongebob. I think I'll eat it now. [Patrick eats it in one bite and pauses for a few seconds.] I think I'll eat it now. [goes to eat a non-existent chocolate bar and bites his hand instead] Ow!!! Wha...? [sees his hand has nothing on it.] Where did my candy bar go? I must have dropped it!
Spongebob: You just ate it, Patrick. It's all over your face.
Patrick: Where did it go? [grunting] I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks up, sees Spongebob holding a candy bar.] Aha!
Spongebob: What?
Patrick: You stole my candy bar!

Patrick: I don't want it unless you admit you took it!
SpongeBob: This is my candy bar.
Patrick: Liar liar, plants for hire!
SpongeBob: It's "pants on fire", Patrick.
Patrick: Well, you would know... liar!

SpongeBob: Did I? Did I Patrick? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me into stealing it?!

Police: If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. (locks Sponge and Patrick in jail cell and waits for about a second then opens it again) OK. Time's up. Now get out!
Spongebob: But we stole a balloon!!
Police: Yeah, on free balloon day!

Christmas Who? [2.8]

Squidward: I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks in and leaves gifts.

Spongebob: [To Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did.

Spongebob: [To Mr. Krabs, about what he wants for Christmas] What did you wish for?
Mr. Krabs: A pony.
Spongebob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: With saddlebags full of money!

[Patchy the Pirate is eating cookie dough straight from the bowl]
Patchy: Mmmm...unbaked cookie dough!
Potty the Parrot: Potty want cookie dough.

[After "Santa" Squidward gives away all his possessions]
Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?
[A knock sounds on the door just then.]
Squidward: You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.

Spongebob: [Trying to get Squidward to join them in all the Christmas fun] C'mon Squidward!, What have you got to lose?
Squidward: My sanity, my dignity, my self-respect, my lunch.

Survival of the Idiots [2.9a]

Patrick: It's like a gold mine, but with fur.
Sandy: (dreaming) Yer gonna be ripped when i'm along with you, Pinhead.

Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG Man!

Patrick: SpongeBob, when are you gonna learn? No, means, yes.

[Spongebob and Patrick are fighting about who is dirty Dan, SpongeBob suddenly screams]
Patrick: Screaming will get you nowhere.

[After Patrick almost wakes up Sandy]
SpongeBob: No, Pat! We don't want to disturb her!
Patrick: That's not disturbing, THIS is disturbing. [turns around and folds back fat up into a face] Hi, SpongeBob. My name is Pat-back.
SpongeBob: HA! That is disturbing.

Sandy: (dreaming) Gonna throw y'all in jail at taxpayers' expense...

Sandy: (dreaming) Gonna skin y'all and make a pair o' size six...boots...

Sandy: (dreaming) You're nothing but pure evil, Dirty Dan, just like newspaper comics...

Dumped [2.9b]

Spongebob: [Sobbing] Oh, Gary, why did you have to go? Why, Gary? [Beats the wall with his fist in his anguish] Why, why, why, why, why?

Patrick: Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?
Spongebob: Laundry? But - we used to do laundry!
Patrick: And, uh, Spongebob, could we borrow some soap?
Spongebob: [On the verge of breaking down] Soap? But we used to use soap! [Holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent, or Heavy Du-Du-Du...
Patrick: Here it comes.
Spongebob: -Du-Du - [breaks down into tears; his tears fill the soap containers and cause them to bubble over] - tyyyyyy!!!!

Spongebob: Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me. Awww...let's go for a walk, pal!
[He leads Gary out of the house on a leash, leaving Patrick alone.]
Patrick: Gary? I thought what we had was SPECIAAAAALLL!!!!!!!

Patrick: [Brushing his teeth] Brush-brush-brush, brush-brush-brush, [Brushing his armpit] brushing everywhere!

[Patrick and Spongebob see Gary rummaging through one of Patrick's pockets.]
Patrick: He only liked me for my shorts!
Spongebob: No, Patrick, he wanted the cookie in your pocket.
[Gary pulls a cookie out of Patrick's pocket and eats it.]

No Free Rides [2.10a]

Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob’s boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year, and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another whole year of BOATING SCHOOL! [SpongeBob hits the Narrator.]
SpongeBob: What happened?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian. Minus twenty more points.

Spongebob: Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?
Mrs. Puff: Six.
Spongebob: [Cheering] Whoooo! And how many do I need to pass?
Mrs. Puff: Six...
Spongebob: [Bending over and rising up very slowly] Whoooooooooooo...
Mrs. Puff: ...hundred.
Spongebob: What?
Mrs. Puff: Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

Spongebob: Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!

[Mrs. Puff allows Spongebob to slide through her class using extra credit, just so she can get rid of him.]
Mrs. Puff: You pass! You pass!
Spongebob: Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.
Mrs. Puff: That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.
Spongebob: [Hopefully] Really?
Mrs. Puff: Besides, here's your driver's license.
[She bestows upon Spongebob a small plastic card.]
Spongebob: [Overwhelmed] My driver's license! [Licking it with his tongue] It tastes just like I dreamt it would!

Mrs. Puff: I've got to end this thing before it begins.

[Spongebob is speaking to Mrs. Puff over a phone line while she resides in the Bikini Bottom Jail.]
Spongebob: So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: [Meekly] Spongebob, I'd like to apologize. I shouldn't have passed you. You really weren't ready.
Spongebob: [Quietly] So I guess I gotta give my license back, huh?
Mrs. Puff: I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.
Spongebob: [Smiling] You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student! And besides, the warden says she'll let you go early, if you do her a favor.
Mrs. Puff: What's that?
Spongebob: Free driving lessons! [Laughs]

I'm Your Biggest Fanatic [2.10b]

SpongeBob: But I was your biggest fan!
Kevin: So were they. [points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire.]
Random Person: Look, everybody! Kevin's back!

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, state of the art jellyfishing nets!
Patrick: Touch. [touches one of the nets]
Guard: Don't touch.
SpongeBob: Ooh, the harpoon used in Jellyfish: The Movie!
Patrick: Touch. [touches it]
Guard: [getting annoyed] Don't touch!
SpongeBob: Look! Dr. Man'O'War, the guy who got stung by Big Lenny, and lived!
Dr. Man'O'War: And now it only hurts if you touch it.
Patrick: Touch. [touches the sting]
Dr. Man'O'War: OW!
Guard: Do I have to follow you all day?!

Patrick: [About Kevin] What's so great about a nerdy pickle?
Spongebob: If I could just touch the hem of his pocket protector, then maybe some of his greatness will rub off on me!
Patrick: Spongebob, as a friend, I must say, that's really geeky. [Jeffrey the Jellyfish walks by; Patrick gasps in astonishment] Oh, my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! [Runs after him] Wait, Jeffrey, I have to touch you!
Guard: [Running after Patrick] Hey!

Patrick: I'm glad you learned your lesson, SpongeBob. Hero worship is unhealthy. [pulls Jeffery the Jellyfish in a wagon] Come along, Jeffery.

Kevin: [after the king jellyfish takes the pie bubble] How did you know?
Spongebob: [laughs] Everybody loves pie!
[a duck quacking is heard]
Anchovy: Wha-wha-wha!

SpongeBob: Hi Kevin, I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin: You're too kind, SECURITY!!

Anchovy: [repeats] Wha-wha-wha!
Kevin: Would you cut that out?!

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III [2.11a]

[Man Ray decides to play a trick on Spongebob and Patrick. He sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry.]
Man-Ray: Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! [Peeks through his fingers, to see if Spongebob and Patrick are watching] Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!
[Spongebob and Patrick beam at one another.]
Spongebob: We could teach you how to be good! And then we'll let you go!
Man-Ray: Oh, that would be fantastic! [To himself] I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

Narrator: [About the Tickle Belt] As seen in Episode 17!

Mermaid Man: Prolonged exposure to the Orb of Confusion will give you...er...confusion.

[Man-Ray is participating in a scenario with Patrick.]
Man-Ray: [In a falsely polite voice] Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.
Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
Man-Ray: What? But, I just saw you drop it. Here.
Patrick: No, it's not mine.
Man-Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
[Man-Ray claps a hand over his face in frustration.]

Man-Ray: [Holding up ID card] Aren't you Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: And this is your ID.
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: That makes sense to me.
Man-Ray: Then take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.

[After Spongebob and Patrick crash the Invisible Boat Mobile]
Patrick: Thank goodness for invisible seat belts!

[After Man-Ray unsuccessfully attempts to rob a bank]
Man-Ray: Agh! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle! The urge to do bad is gone! [To the lady fish at the counter] I guess I'll just open a checking account.

Spongebob: Man-Ray!
Man-Ray: No need to be alarmed, Spongebob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them!

Squirrel Jokes [2.11b]

Mother fish: Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid!
Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus, but it sure is spreadin' like one.

Sandy: [in a dumb outfit]Well, hoowdy!

Pressure [2.12a]

Sandy: I'm a squirrel. See? [Points to the acorn logo on her suit]
SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts.

Sandy: I don't need this suit! [Sandy rips her suit off.]
[Spongebob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Squidward gasp.]
Sandy: I don't need this helmet, neither! [Sandy takes off her helmet and breaks it.]
Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
Spongebob: I don't know.
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?

[Sandy sees Spongebob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward being attacked by giant sea gulls.]
Sandy: [Gasp] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hi-ya!
[She launches into karate mode and literally beats the stuffing out of the sea gulls.]

Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for land and sea! Hip-hip...
Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs and Sandy: HOORAY!!!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs and Sandy: HOORAY!!!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Sea gulls: Hooray. [their bodies are completely brown, because of Sandy's karate.]

The Smoking Peanut [2.12b]

Patrick: I'm getting so close to solving this crime, I can even taste it. [Patrick licks what looks like Spongebob] Boy, crime fighting makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!

Patrick: [upon being arrested] Wow, you guys are good. I was the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
Police Officer: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, Pinky.

SpongeBob: I've...uhh...got to go get my hair cut!
Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair....or does he?
  • "If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like 'You', and 'are', and 'a jerk'!"

Shanghaied [2.13a]

SpongeBob: The sky had a baby from my cereal box!

Patrick: SpongeBob, the sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know!

Flying Dutchman: You give me back the sock and I'll let you have... three wishes.
Patrick: Make it five!
Flying Dutchman: Four.
Patrick: Three! Take it or leave it!
Flying Dutchman: Okay... three. You get three wishes.
SpongeBob: Wow, three wishes, Pat! How cool is that?!
Patrick: Wishes?! I wish we'd known that earlier!
[The clock goes back one minute.]
Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left.

Kid: [regarding SpongeBob and Patrick] Those guys are dorks.
Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they’re my dorks.

SpongeBob: But the door is locked, and the only way out is through the... perfume department....

Squidward: Tell the flying dutchman he needs to clean up this dirty ship.
Flying dutchman: Arrggh. Insulting a man's ship, be worse than insulting his mother.
Spongebob: Wait, it was his mother you said was dirty not his ship!
[Squidward screams in pain as the flying dutchman shoots nitrogen fire out of his nose]

Gary Takes a Bath [2.13b]

Gary: Meow!

[Spongebob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, has fallen into a giant mud puddle.]
Spongebob: [Dismayed] I'm a dirty boy.

Spongebob: The dubloons! (holds the soap up) You don't want to drop them.

Welcome to The Chum Bucket [2.14a]

Spongebob: The sign says "kitchen". But my heart says "jail".

[Music begins]
Spongebob: [singing] A stove is a stove, no matter where you go.
Mr. Krabs: [singing] A patty is a patty, that's what I say.
Spongebob: [singing] A grill is a grill, this is surely so.
Mr. Krabs: [singing] And fries should be fries either way.
Spongebob: [singing] But this grill is not a home. This is not the stove I know.
Mr. Krabs: [singing] I would trade it all away, if you'd come back to stay.
Both: [singing] This kitchen is not the same without you.
Mr. Krabs: [singing] It's just a grill...
Spongebob: [singing] It's just a greasy stoooove...
Both: [singing] Without you...
[Spongebob falls flat onto his face and begins to sob.]

Plankton: "Don’t back-sass me!"
'SpongeBob:: [mocking Plankton] Blah, blah, blah!"
Plankton: "WHAT?!"

SpongeBob: "All that preparation is making me hungry."
Plankton: "Me too! You know what would really hit the spot? Why don’t you whip us up a couple of Krabby Patties?"
SpongeBob: "Mmm, I’m kind of in the mood for tacos."
Plankton: [chuckles] "Good one, SpongeBob. But really, go ahead and make us some patties."

Plankton:SpongeBob! Come in here! Or should I say RobotBob....Sponge...ChefPants [long pause] I put the brain in the robot, you know.

Frankendoodle [2.15b]

Patrick: [after being hit on the head by a wrench] Where's the leak, ma'am?

SpongeBob: You okay, Patrick?
Patrick: [after subsequently being hit by a bowling ball] FINLAND!

Patrick: He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him! Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, THOSE TWO BUCK TEETH, AND THAT STUPID TIE!!
SpongeBob: [clears throat]
Patrick: [Blushing] Oh, but it looks good on 'ya, SpongeBob! Heh-heh!

SpongeBob: It's a jellyfish!
Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
SpongeBob: Huh! Everybody's a critic.
Patrick: SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!
SpongeBob: Now, that's more like it Mr. Critic.
Patrick: No! I mean it's swimming away!
SpongeBob: Do you know what this means Patrick?
Patrick: Your art can never hang in a museum.

Patrick: Now all I need is a magic mustache, and all my dreams will have come true.
Spongebob: Coming right up!
[He draws a mustache on Patrick with the magic pencil.]
Patrick: Life is good!
[Mustache flies away.]
Patrick: Easy come, easy go.

Squidward: [To his reflection] Squidward, if you had some hair, you'd be the most gorgeous creature in the sea. You've got looks, talent, all you need is a full head of--
[The magic mustache flies into the room and settles onto the top of Squidward's head.]
Squidward: [Ecstatic] --HAIR!!!!

SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance! On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him!
Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday?
[Doodle crashes through the wall and grabs SpongeBob.]
Spongebob: Patrick! Patrick! Do something!!!
Patrick: Happy Birthday!
[Doodle tosses Spongebob to the side.]
[Patrick presents a rock to Doodle.]
Patrick: Here's your present!
[Doodle takes the rock and hits Patrick on the head.]
Patrick: You're Welcome!

The Secret Box [2.16a]

Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [Thought bubble above shows a live-action milk carton being spilt.]

SpongeBob: [Convincing Patrick to let him see the contents of the secret box] It's no secret that the best thing about a secret, is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly... [Patrick drools and his brain starts sparking.]

Patrick: So, it's come to this. And to think, we joined the "Best Friends Forever Club".

Patrick: Listen up, Spongebob Secret-stealer-pants! If you ever come near my secret box, we won't be friends anymore!
SpongeBob: [With giant puppy-dog eyes] But--but--we're supposed to be friends forever!

[SpongeBob is ashamed about trying to steal Patrick's secret box and making Patrick angry.]
SpongeBob: [Tearfully] I feel so filthy! I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! [Clinging to Patrick from the rear, startling Patrick] I know it's your secret, I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick, please!
Patrick: [Slowly] Well...I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret.
SpongeBob: From now on I won't bug you about it.
Patrick: Nah, you can look inside if you really want to.
SpongeBob: Yeah, wow! (Opens lid, feels silly) Thats some secret box you got there, buddy!
Patrick: I know! Night, Spongebob!

SpongeBob: So, whaddya say, buddy? Friends?
Patrick: Friends.
[The two of them shake hands on their friendship.]

SpongeBob: That's it! How do you look in a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick is sleeping, look in that box and give it back before Patrick wakes up. Patrick will never notice and I'll have my own secret too. Good idea, eh, Gary?
Gary: Hmm... No!"
SpongeBob: Ah, what do you know? You're a snail!

Patrick: [Looking evil] Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Good thing he didn't pull the secret string opening the (he pulls the string) secret compartment of my secret box... revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

SpongeBob: I've got to find out what's in Patrick's secret box... maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish... or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's filled with diamonds. [Very nervous voice] Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victim's severed heads in a box!... Or maybe it's an embarrassing picture of me at the Christmas party... AHHHHHHHH!!!! [Smears against his window] I've gotta find out what's in that box!

Band Geeks [2.15b]

[Squidward plays the clarinet poorly. There is a knock at door and he answers]
Doctor: Yes we understand you have a dying animal on the premises.
[Squidward slams the door shut]

[Patrick pries open the door from the outside after a big brawl with Sandy.]
Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone.]

Squidward: Has anyone played an instrument before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: [raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again.]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument, either.
[Patrick puts his hand down.]

Squidward: [Pinned to the wall by percussion mallets] Too bad that didn't kill me.

Squidward: They couldn't come, they... died.
Squlliam Fancyson': Then who's that? [points to the entrance.]
Squidward: [He turns. He can't believe what he is seeing.] AAAH! THAT MUST BE MY BAND!

Squidward: How's the unibrow?
Squilliam Fancyson: It's big and valuable.

[When clock ticks, everyone stops wrestling, they murmur and turn to leave, when the door opens, Squidward stands there.]

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness, and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you. [starts crying] I guess I'm a LOSER for that too. DON'T bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all DIED in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing. [leaves]
Patrick: [After a lengthy silence] You're welcome.

Squidward: Okay, I've got a theory. People talk loud when they want to sound smart right?
Plankton: [yelling] CORRECT!!!!

Squidward: A-one, two, one, two, three, four. [The band plays so loud that the glass breaks.] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quiet that no one can hear us.
Fish: Well may be we wouldn't sound so bad if SOME people didn't try to play with big meaty claws!!!
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Fish: BIG...MEATY...CLAWS!!!!
Mr. Krabs: Well these claws ain't just for attracting mates!!
Fish: Bring it on old man, BRING IT ON!!!!
Spongebob: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!

Sweet Victory performed by David Eisley
The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill.
The last one to fall, will never sacrifice their will.
Don't ever look back, at the wind closing in.
The only attack, were the wings of the wind.
Oh, the things that we did!
And it’s sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah,
And its all for the taking, it all started in a fight!
And it’s sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah,
And the world is ours to follow!
And it’s sweet, sweet, sweet victory!

Graveyard Shift [2.16a]

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? We'll be working for hours, and hours, and hours, and then the sun will come up, and we'll still be working! [Gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK SQUIDWARD?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: GOOD!! 'Cause we got CUSTOMERS!!!
Squidward: Here. [Hands a baseball bat to a customer] Hit me as hard as you can.
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen. At night.
Squidward: [Tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat.] Don't hold back.

Squidward: And then, when he was cutting the patties, it happened.
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO!!
Squidward: He cut off his own hand by mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [Repeats] Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: SO THEY DIDN'T GROW BACK!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob and his arms that were pulled out jump in fear] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! [arms run away]

[telling story of hash slinging slasher]
Squidward: ....and now every... what day is it?
Spongebob: Tuesday.
Squidward: TUESDAY night he comes back to wreak his Horrible vengance...

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? There's no time to wash the ceiling during the day!
Squidward: "Open twenty-four hours a day". What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?! [Inside Patrick's rock, Patrick is woken up by his alarm clock at 3:00 AM]
Patrick: Oh, boy, 3:00 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]

Squidward: [Nervously] Okay, what was it? There was the lights, [Lights flicker] the phone, [Phone rings] and... [Squidward turns around to see green ooze coming from the walls] THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME?!?! Oh wait, they always do that. But what was the third thing? [A bus pulls up]
SpongeBob: I didn't know the buses ran this late.
Squidward: [Nervously] They don't.
SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the road just to entertain me! You must really like me!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you; and two: How can that be me, if I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE??!!

Squidward: SpongeBob? No matter what I've said, I always sort of liked you!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: Huh?!

Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus...then who was flickering the lights? [Camera pans over to Orlok flickering the light switch]
All: [playfully] NOSFERATU!!

Krusty Love [2.16b]

Mr. Krabs: That's a penny short! [cries]
Squidward: [Sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

[Mr. Krabs spots Mrs. Puff in the Krusty Krab.]
Spongebob: Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? [Deeply disappointed] Oh, she's married.
Spongebob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs; she's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
[Mr. Puff is seen being used as a lamp.]
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.

Spongebob: Ribet ribet yell all Mr. Krabs, yega hergan murgen wallet! Yedding bedding spit, yega hergan murgen Mr. Krabs' Wallet!
Mrs. Puff: [After SpongeBob's rant is done] I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.

Mrs. Puff: You're a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs.
[She kisses Mr. Krabs on the cheek, and his eyes curve into a heart shape.]

Mr. Krabs: I'm caught in the middle of me two great loves: sweet Mrs. Puff... and the rest of my money!

Procrastination [2.17a]

SpongeBob: I could not ask for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [he looks outside and sees a tree and mountains]

Spongebob: Only 799 words to go.

Spongebob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super, sailor-ific, sunshine-y day.

Mail Fish: Package for Mr. Squarepants.
Spongebob: Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?
Mail Fish: It puts bread on the table.
Spongebob: Rye, or pumpernickel? [laughs]
Mail Fish: Oh, brother.
Spongebob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...
Mail Fish: [interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?

[Spongebob accidentally swallows a bit of eraser shaving, and quickly runs for water.]

Spongebob: [breathing in deeply] That was a close one!
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: [frowning] What do you mean, "overly dramatic", Gary?

SpongeBob: What?! I called to have an engaging conversation with you.
Patrick: [over the phone] OK, I'm listening.
SpongeBob: Uhhh...Marco.
Patrick: Polo. [hangs up]

I'm with Stupid [2.17b]

Patrick: You know something, Spongebob, it's all fun and games for you! Nothing really matters! [In an incredibly sarcastic tone] Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! [In regular voice] Life's just a big bowl of fancy, assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe-- [getting increasingly worked up] --OR FABRICATE!?!?!?!?!?!
Spongebob: [Gently] But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.
[Patrick looks at Spongebob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears.]
Spongebob: Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! I'll get the funnel!

Patrick: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Marty: Son, you actually recognized us this time!
Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
Marty: Ahh, you never really were a bright one.

Marty: He makes phone operators seem smart!

Janet: He lives in a fruit?
Marty: That's unhealthy.

Spongebob: Patrick, if your parents think your stupid then they must not know what stupid really is.
Patrick: But don't they watch television?

Spongebob: If your parents saw a real stupid person they would realize how much of a genius you are.
Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp?

Patrick: [referring to Spongebob] Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools]

Patrick: [chuckles] Ok, go on. Go on. Go act smart for everyone. I'll humor you.
SpongeBob: Alright, I will!
Patrick: [picks up SpongeBob's karate helmet and puts it on] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya!
SpongeBob: [to Marty and Janet] Hi, I want to start off clean. I was only pretending to be stupid so you would appreciate Patrick a little more. I know how to talk and how to eat. I even separate the darks from the lights. So, what do you say we start over? Hi! My name's SpongeBob SquarePants and I am not an idiot!
Marty: ...Ah-hah-hah-hah! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has already taught him how to talk in complete sentences! Good job, son!
Patrick: It wasn't easy, Dad!
SpongeBob: What?! No! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [takes out a small picture of his brain]
Patrick: That must be actual size! [laughs with Marty and Janet]
SpongeBob: No, it's actual size and fully functional! See! [writes on a chalkboard, 2+2=4] Two plus two equals four!
Marty: Wow, you taught him how to do math, too?
SpongeBob: NOOOOOOO!!
Marty: AND you taught him to sing! Hah-hah!
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's face scrunches up and he starts to grunt, emiting steam from his ears]
Marty: Now, I think he's short-circuiting.

Spongebob: Oh, no, Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! I'll go get the funnel!
Patrick: No SpongeBob, it's not that.
Spongebob: Darn! I like the funnel.

Patrick's "Dad": Isn't that right, Janet?
Patrick's "Mom": You bet, Marty!
Patrick: Marty?!, Janet?!... Who are you people?!
Janet: Marty, I'm scared!

Squidward: They've been banging on my door asking, "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!
Marty: Oh-ho, yeah! I forgot. We don't have kids. [Marty and Janet walk away]
Patrick: Mom! Dad! [hugs his real parents]
Patrick's Dad: Hey, you actually recognized us this time!
Patrick's Mom: And you remembered to get dressed today. [Patrick and Patrick's Mom and Dad pause, then they burst out laughing]

Sailor Mouth [2.18a]

SpongeBob: Hello customers. Nice [dolphin chirps] day we're having, huh?
Sailor: [gasps] Did he just say...
Pirate: Aye, he did.
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the [dolphin chirps] are ya?
Patrick: Pretty [dolphin chirps] good SpongeBob.

Spongebob: Hi Squidward! How the [dolphin chirps]] are ya?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What, What, What?
SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, Yes, Yes?
SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!
Mr. Krabs: Out with it boy!
SpongeBob: Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escelators and he was going up, up, up and I had to ride the eels and then we ran and Patrick he said some things.
Mr. Krabs: What kind of things?
SpongeBob: Well...
Mr. Krabs: Yes?
SpongeBob: Well, um, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be word #11 on a list of 13 words that you said shouldn't be said!
Mr. Krabs: Uh, right, what was that part about what, what, the… uh… about… who now?

[Mr. Krabs finds, to his utmost horror, that the Krusty Krab is deserted.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?
Squidward: [Gesturing toward Spongebob and Patrick] Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word. And Spongebob just said it over the intercom.

[Mr. Krabs hits his foot on a rock]
Mr. Krabs: [wailing in pain] Oh my [dolphin chirps] foot! What [dolphin chirps] genius put a [dolphin chirps] rock in the [dolphin chirps] path?! Can't ya see I gotta [air horn] on there?! Aw [seal yelps]! Ah [toot][seagull chirps]! [Spongbob is counting the bad words] [low pitched fog horn] A whole lotta [second low pitched horn]! For this I [dolphin chirps] that I even have it a [bell and horn] boat load of [long low pitched horn]! Ah [seal yelps twice][seagull chirps] grabbin' [fog horn]! [starts bawling]
Spongebob: That's all thirteen, Patrick! [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!

Mama Krabs: Oh, dear, my poor old heart.
[Mr. Krabs catches his mother in his arms as she keels over in a dead faint.]
Mr. Krabs: [Gasps] Oh, dear Mother, what have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [Secretly nicks a nickel from his mother and pockets it, then rounds angrily on Spongebob and Patrick] You two should be ashamed, making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
[All at once Mama Krabs opens her eyes and pulls away from her son.]
Mama Krabs: [Sternly] You should all be ashamed! And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to work like sailors.

Mama Krabs: Yeow! My [honks] foot!
[Everyone gasps.]
Mr. Krabs: Mother!
Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy.
Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!

Aritist Unknown [2.18b]

SpongeBob: First, I draw this head, then erase some of the more detailed features, and one two three a CIRCLE... uh, thingy.

Squidward: Now repeat after me. I have no talent.
SpongeBob: I have no talent.
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.
SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his... tentacles on my art.

SpongeBob: [singing] To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump...
[At the dump]
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: REALLY!
Spongebob: Oh, Okay. REALLY?
Squidward: Let's go.

The Fry Cook Games [2.19b]

Patrick: Doh c'mon you're just flipping patties.
Spongebob: [getting mad] Hey at least it's not easy being a fry cook!!
[Patrick flips over a rock making a sizzling noise with his mouth]
Spongebob: Why don't you go home Patrick, you can compete in some "lay under a rock all day" games!!
Patrick: [shocked] Well at least I don't polish my fingernails!
Spongebob: [gasps] YOU TAKE THAT BACK [a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]
Patrick: [yelling] FINGERNAILS, FINGERNAILS, FINGERNAILS!
Spongebob: [yelling] YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FINGERNAILS!
Patrick: [gasps shockingly] I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!!
Spongebob: HOW CAN YOU HEAR IT?! YOU DON'T HAVE EARS EITHER!
Patrick: [thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots SpongeBob's holes] HOLES, HOLES!
Spongebob: Conehead!
Patrick: Yellow!
Spongebob: Pink!
Patrick: [gasps shockingly again] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Patrick: You know, these were white when I bought them. [referring to his underwear, which appears yellow]

Patrick: [after SpongeBob has erased part of his nametag] NOOOOOOOOO!! MY NAME'S NOT RICK!!

Plankton: Please turn your attention to the south-west corridor of the arena!
[crowd turns to their right]
Plankton: Other waaay... [under breath] imbeciles.

Mr. Krabs: [to SpongeBob] Win this one for the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: [runs forward] FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!
Plankton: [to Patrick] Win this one because I told you to!
Patrick: [runs forward, as well] BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TOOO!

Plankton: [after Patrick and SpongeBob make up] Get back here and kill each other!

Squid on Strike [2.20a]

Squidward: Nobody gives a care about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Mr. Krabs: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

Spongebob:[singing] We're going on strike, we're going on strike! I don't know what that means...but we're going on strike! [kicks Mr. Krabs' butt]

Season Three

Club Spongebob


Squidward: I'll have you know, I am a member of over twenty exclusive clubs all across the sea-bottom!
Patrick: What'd he say?
Spongebob: I don't know, something about his nose?
Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!
Squidward: Pssh, what do you zeros know about fitting in? [Climbing the tree] You should be... begging me... to join!
Spongebob: No, no, no, you can't join. [Same time as Patrick]
Patrick: No, no, no, you won't fit in! [Same time as Spongebob]
Squidward: [Finally gets into the tree house] Well, this is stupid! There's no room up here!
Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you.You can't fit in here.
Spongebob: We've been stuck up here for three days.

Spongebob: Magic Conch? What do we do to escape the kelp forest?
Magic Conch: Nothing
Patrick: The shell has spoken!
Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit around and do nothing! [Squidward sees that they are doing nothing then groans angrily]

Forest Ranger: Ok, Magic Conch, what do we do now?
Magic Conch: Nothing
Spongebob, Patrick and Forest Ranger: All hail the Magic Conch!
Squidward: [Looks defeated and exhausted] All hail the Magic Conch!

The Algae's Always Greener [1.1a]

[computer wife projects holographic meatloaf, Plankton pokes with fork] Oh goodie, holographic meatloaf, again. [slams fist on table] When do I get to have some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to have real food. Look at his daughter-she's as big as a whale!

Plankton: I thought I sent you away, cretin!
SpongeBob: Um... I was hoping for... my... [quickly] weekly performance review.
Plankton: But I've never reviewed anything... except for those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.
SpongeBob: Oh, please, Mr. Plankton! There must be something I can improve on!
Plankton: Uhh... the sauce.
SpongeBob: [takes a step back] What...?
Plankton: The sauce, ehh, you're usin' too much sauce. Okay? Now, let me be!
SpongeBob: [eyes grow squinted and slanted, lips become distorted, and starts to spasm back and forth with his arms, making noises as if he's about to sob]
Plankton: ...What's wrong with you? Stop that! I said stop that! Aahh! What do you want from me, a promotion?!
SpongeBob: [turns instantly normal] A promo-, a promo-, A PROMOTION?!

SpongeBob: I tried, Mr. Plankton... I really did...
Plankton: What, now?!
SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium beverage AND I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!
Plankton: [points finger at SpongeBob who continues to exclaim, "soiled it!"] I command you to stop that. Stop that at once! [pokes at SpongeBob] Ahh, where's the off button on this thing?!
Pearl: [SpongeBob continues to exclaim in background] That's it, daddy! I've decided I'm going to run away! Run away and find a new daddy!
Plankton: RAAAGH, MAKE IT STOP!!

Plankton: I don't understand, is there a gas leak in here?

Plankton: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [rips off shirt] It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy!

Plankton: Holographic meatloaf...My favorite!

SpongeGuard on Duty [1.1b]

Larry the Lobster: [on being a lifeguard] You know, SpongeBob, the girls and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing that you're the only thing standing between these good people [Cuts to annual hot dog chug, then back] and a watery grave. And that's what it's all about. Their lives are in your hands now... 'Cause I got a date with a tanning booth!

Spongebob: I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by-- [Lightning flashes overhead] --a flying ice cream truck! [A flying ice cream truck plummets in Spongebob's direction] AND LIVE!!!!!
[The flying ice cream truck stops just above Spongebob, then drops onto him gently.]
Larry:[through megaphone] PLEASE DO NOT LAND FLYING ICE CREAM TRUCKS ON THE BATHERS.

Patrick: Being a lifeguard is so dumb! All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses, and show off their GROSS, MISSHAPEN BODIES!!!!
[Patrick's enormous belly pops into view.]
Fish: Dude, put that thing away! There are, like, children here!

Just One Bite [3.3a]

Spongebob: But it's good for you.
Squidward: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
Spongebob: No, Squidward, I meant: good for your soul.
[A halo appears over Spongebob's head, and a heavenly background is displayed. An angelic choir is heard singing serenely.]
Squidward: Oh, please! I have no soul.

[Background turns to flames; an evil, demonic laugh is heard. Squidward gets a shocked look on his face.]


Spongebob: [To the customers] Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Ha!
[Everyone laughs.]
Squidward: Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
Spongebob: Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.
Customers: The only people who don't like a Krabby Patty have never tasted one.

Spongebob: [Trying to get Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty] If you try it, you'll love it!
Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludge balls you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick!
Spongebob: [To Patrick, who is all dressed up as a cowboy] Sorry, Patrick.

Spongebob: [Holding the Krabby Patty out to Squidward while Squidward is in the restroom] Just smell it!
Squidward: If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I find it more appealing IN HERE?!

Squidward: [Snatching the Krabby Patty away] Give me that! When I die, you stay away from my funeral.

"(Squidward)Who eats a krabby patty at 3 a.m.!? (Patrick) [alarm clock rings] Oh boy 3 a.m.! [pulls out a krabby patty from underneath pillow and eats it]


Nasty Patty [3.4a]

Realistic Fishhead: We interrupt this can-can to bring you this important message.

Mr. Krabs: Why, that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned!
Spongebob: I call it the the Nasty Patty!

Mr. Krabs: We've been duped!
SpongeBob: Duped?
Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!
SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorped!
Mr. Krabs: That's not even a real word and I agree with ya!

SpongeBob: Ew! It's all icky and corpsy!

Mr. Krabs: Now SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab I want you to take that shovel [winks] and stuff-I mean stow it in the freezer. Understand?
SpongeBob: I understand Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo-
Mr. Krabs: -tles of soda! [quickly] Bottles of soda, same thing, put 'em in the freezer.

Mr. Krabs: [after the officer asks for ice] Ice?! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!

Nancy O'Malley: You people act like you’ve committed a murder.
Mr. Krabs: Okay! I confess! SpongeBob killed him!
SpongeBob: What?! You can’t pin this whole rep on me!
Mr. Krabs: He was insane! Out of control! He would've killed me too if you hadn't come along!
SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs’ idea!
Mr. Krabs: Put him down now!!
SpongeBob: HE WEARS CURLERS TO BED!!!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! It’s not what you think!
Nancy O'Malley: What are you two talking about?
Mr. Krabs: We killed a health inspector, buried him, and then stuffed his body in the freezer!

Spongebob: I'll never survive in prison! They'll mop the floor with me!!

Mr. Krabs: [After finding out that the health inspector isn't dead after all, AND that the Krusty Krab has passed the health inspection] Come on, ev'rybody! Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.

Narrator: [At the end] Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?

Idiot Box [3.4b]

[Spongebob and Patrick lift in a giant-screen television]
Squidward: What the..?! A giant-screen television?!
Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two ordered a giant-screen television just so you could play in the box?
Spongebob: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.
Squidward: Yeah, that’s quite a plan there. Oh, but wait, there was something else I wanted to ask you two. What was it? Oh, yeah, yeah... DON'T YOU TWO HAVE ANY BRAINS???!!!
Spongebob: [Wisely] Squidward, we don't need television. Not as long as we've got our imagination.

Spongebob: With imagination, I can be anything I want. A pirate. [Pretends to be a pirate] Argh! A football player! [Pretends to be a football player] Hup!
Patrick: A starfish!
Squidward: Patrick, you're already a starfish.
Patrick: See, Squidward, it works!

Patrick: [Weakly] Hold me.
Spongebob: [Sobbing] Hang in there, buddy, the choppers are on the way.
Patrick: SpongeBob, my legs are frozen solid. You'll have to cut them off with the saw.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I can't do that.
Patrick: Why not?
SpongeBob: [In anguish] Because I already cut off my own arms!

Patrick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Patrick: I am the Lizard King!!!.

[The sounds of a helicopter are heard inside the box.]
Pilot: Attention, climbers! Please hold on! The saws are on the way!
Spongebob and Patrick: [Cheering] YAAYYYYYYYYY!

Squidward: How are you doing that?
SpongeBob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.
Squidward: The noises! How are you two making those noises?
Patrick: Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.
SpongeBob: And...imagination! [forms a rainbow with his hands]
Squidward: Are you trying to say I have no imagination?! I have more imagination in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies!
Patrick: That's good! Now all you need is a box.

Squidward: All right, where is it?
Patrick: [His head pokes out of the hat box] Here I am!
Spongebob: Where's what, Squidward?
Squidward: Don't "Where's what, Squidward?" me! Where's the tape recorder?
SpongeBob: We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward.
Squidward: Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward" me!
SpongeBob: But we don't.
Patrick: We have a tape recorder box.
Squidward: All right, make way, you two, I'm coming in.
Spongebob: Welcome aboard, Squidward. You just joined the S.S. Imagination. Where do you want to go first?

Squidward:[Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward are still in the box.] Doh, take me to Robot Pirate Island! I wanna arm wrestle with cowboys on the moon! Just do it so I can go home and watch TV.
Spongebob: Okay, Squidward. Robot Pirate Island it is!

[Spongebob and Patrick close their eyes.]

Patrick: Beep.
Spongebob: Arrrgh!
Patrick: Beep-beep-boop.
Spongebob: Ahoy, matey!

Squidward: All right,fine! If you don't want to show me, I don't care! I've got better things to do than pace the floor, wondering how you two work this thing! [shows him pacing the floor] How do those two work that thing? There's gotta be a secret button, a device, a switch or something! I mean, listen to that! [sounds of an epic robot-pirate battle] Now that sounds like robot-pirate island!

Squidward: I don't know why I'm wasting my time out here when I could be watching... my brand new television!

Squidward: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day.

Patrick: [Yawning] I need sleep to refuel my imagination tanks.

Squidward: I hope they put some air holes in that box.

[Squidward enters the box after Spongebob and Patrick have gone to bed, and sees a sheet of notebook paper taped to one side.]
Squidward: Hello, what's this? [Tears the paper off and reads the message scrawled on it aloud] 'This plaque is to commemorate the brave pirates who gave their lives to keep this box safe from the Robot Menace, lest we forget...'--oh! [Shreds the paper into microscopic pieces in his exasperation.]

Squidward: [Unable to find a button or a switch that could have been the source of the sound effects.] Maybe it really was their imagination. Oh, get it together, Squidward! What are you saying? I mean, do I really believe that if I sit here and pretend to drive a race car, then I'm suddenly gonna start hearing noises? [Pretends to move a gearshift and press a gas pedal, and hears the rumble of an engine.] What the--?! It actually works! I can't believe it! [Pretends again to steer a car, and the sound effects are heard once more.] Oh, boy, this beats T.V. by a long shot! [The whole box vibrates, and Squidward pretends to be in a race, laughing and whooping with excitement.] This is the most fun I've ever had!

Patrick: I'm shaking hands with Neptune!

[Spongebob and Patrick wake up one morning to find that their box is gone. The box has been taken to the dump, and Squidward along with it.]
Spongebob: Hey, our box is gone!
Patrick: Oh, well.
Spongebob: I know! Let's go see Squidward!
Patrick: I hope he's not too down in the dumps today.

[Squidward turns on the television]
Man's Voice: It is here that the boxes reach their final stage in the sendaway.
[Squidward changes the channel]
Old Man: The equation is illustrated here by this box.
[Squidward changes the channel]
Male Fish: I couldn't afford you a present this year, so I got you this box.
Female Fish: [joyfully] That's what I got you!
Squidward: ISN'T THERE ANYTHING ON TV THAT ISN'T ABOUT BOXES?!! [changes the channel]
Fish Head Announcer: And welcome back to World Championship Boxing!
Squidward: [laughs] Well, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[2 boxes in a ring attack each other]
Squidward: I give up.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV [3.5a]

'Patrick: You had it set to M for Mini, [turns the M upside-down], when it should be set to W for Wumbo!
Spongebob: Patrick, I don't think Wumbo is a real word.
Patrick: Come on, you know. I Wumbo, you wumbo, he, she, me, wumbo, wumbo, wumboing, I'll have three wumbo, wumbora, wumbology, the study of wumbo? Its first grade, SpongeBob
Squidward: [while Patrick is still talking] I wonder if a fall from this height could kill me.

Snowball Effect [3.6a]

Spongebob: Can I be Mr.Krabs?
Squidward: No! Wait, why?
Spongebob: He's a good leader.

Spongebob: Score one for the boys back home!

[Squidward answers his door to find Patrick standing there, trying to tell him something.]
Squidward: Oh. Patrick. What an unpleasant surprise.
[Patrick tries to mime what he needs to Squidward.]
Squidward: [With mock enthusiasm] Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades.
[At last Patrick regains his ability to talk properly.]
Patrick: [In one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water and I drank all the water, and now I'm better.
[There is a brief moment of silence.]
Squidward: [Deadpan] Fascinating.
[He shuts the door in Patrick's face.]
Patrick: [knocks on door again] Can I use your bathroom?
Squidward: Patrick, go use your own bathroom.
Patrick: I don't think I can make it, please?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Please.
Squidward: No.
Patrick: PLEASE.
Squidward: No.
Patrick: PLEASE!
Squidward: All right, make it quick.
Patrick: ...That's okay.

One Krab's Trash [3.6b]


(Mr. Krabs draws a picture of a ghost on a piece of notebook paper. Attaching it to a piece of string, he dangles it over Spongebob's bed, through an adjacent window)
Mr. Krabs: (In a haunting manner) OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Spongebob: (Terrified) OH MY GOSH! A FLYING SHOPPING LIST!!
(Mr. Krabs, remembering that the opposite page was recently used as list of groceries, quickly remedies his error by flipping the page over, revealing his claw in the process. Interestingly, Spongebob does not notice the shiny red object flipping the paper over.)
Mr. Krabs: I'M NOT A SHOPPING LIST, I'M A GHOOOOOOOOOOSSTT!!
Spongebob: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!


Mr. Krabs: That hat makes you look like a girl.
SpongeBob: [Blushing] Am I a pretty girl?
Mr. Krabs: Er... you're beautiful. (He receives a strange look from a passer-by.)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show. You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibblin' on my innards! Then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
Smitty Werben Jegar Man Jensen: That's disgusting! We just want the hat back.

Mr. Krabs: Am I really going to defile this grave for money? [brief pause] Of course I am!

[Mr. Krabs sees Squidward place a bouquet of flowers on a grave. After Squidward walks away, Mr. Krabs moves closer and reads what's on the headstone.]
Mr. Krabs: 'Here Lies Squidward's Hopes and Dreams.' What a baby.

SpongeBob: Remember...licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

[After Mr. Krabs realizes the hat is worthless after all]
Mr. Krabs: Well, that's a spirit breaker.
[Mr. Krabs tosses the hat away and starts to bawl. Squidward looks on with disdain.]
Squidward: What a baby.

As Seen on T.V. [3.7a]

Mr. Krabs, Pearl, & Squidward: The Krusty Krab! Come spend your money here!

Spongebob: Next thing you know people'll start opening doors for me!

[A man opens a door to go inside the Krusty Krab. Spongebob thinks that the man is holding the door open for him.]

Spongebob: [gasps] Why sir, I'm flattered!

Man: [smells the air] Really? I don't smell anything.

Can You Spare a Dime? [3.7b]

Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it. Two, you stole it. And three, YOU STOLE IT!

Squidward: [About Spongebob] Teacher's pet.

Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: [Sternly] Gary! Squidward is not a free-loader! And he'd never take advantage of me!

Spongebob: [Presenting a glass of lemonade to Squidward] Here you are, Your Majesty.

[After Squidward has stayed with them for quite a while]
Gary: [Wearily] Meow, meow.
Spongebob: I KNOW HE STILL ISN'T LOOKING FOR WORK! DON'T RUB IT IN!!!!!

Mr. Krabs: [on phone] Donate to the Children's Fund? Why? What have children ever done for me?
Spongebob: [ripping phone away] You want your dime back?!! TAKE IT!! Now Squidward can come back, right?

[Mr. Krabs inspects the dime]

Mr. Krabs:Wrong!! That ain't me first dime!
Spongebob: Then have s'more dimes! I'VE GOT PLENTY OF 'EM!!
Mr. Krabs: You can't put a price on me first dime! And I can't forgive that thieving bilge rat Squidward for stealing it!
[Spongebob, who is clearly down to his last nerve, seizes Mr. Krabs by the throat, making him gag, and lifts him up into the air.]
Spongebob: [Shouting] Listen, you crustaceous cheapskate! Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! [Shaking Mr. Krabs with all his might] AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE HIM BACK, ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID DIME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

No Weenies Allowed [3.8a]

Sandy: SpongeBob's acting jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait...what?

Sandy: Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice".

[Spongebob, while karate-fighting Sandy, has accidentally landed in a picnicking family's potato salad.]
Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. [Spongebob shoots away] THREE DAYS!

[Spongebob is ready to attack Sandy again, but then he realizes she is nowhere in sight.]
Spongebob: Sandy?
Sandy: Oh, I'm sandy, all right. [Emerges from the sand beneath Spongebob's feet] I'm very sandy.

[Spongebob and Sandy come across a long line of tough-looking fish.]
Sandy: Hey, what's everyone waitin' in line for?
Reg: Oh, wait, fair lass. It be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon, the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. [Reveals his powerful muscles] You need to have muscles on your muscles! [Reveals smaller muscles on his larger muscles] You need to have muscles on your eyeballs! [Sticks out his eyeballs and reveals his eyeball muscles]
Spongebob: Eww.
Sandy: [Regarding the Salty Spitoon] Looks like a rip-snortin' good time, Spongebob!
Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?
Sandy: How tough am I? [Rips off his tattoo, which reads "MOM", off his chest and puts it back upside down, so that it now reads "WOW"]
SpongeBob: Wow...
Sandy: Got any more tattoos?
Reg: Uh, that won't be necessary. Go right ahead. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?
Spongebob: How tough am I?, you got a bottle of ketchup?
Reg: Yup, [Hands Spongebob a bottle of ketchup]
[Spongebob takes the bottle and is clearly struggling to open it]:
Reg: I think you should try that place.
SpongeBob: Weenie Hut jr.'s!?
Reg: Oh sorry, I meant that place.
SpongeBob: Super Weenie Hut jr.'s! Are you saying I'm a weenie?.
Reg: Yeah, unless you think you're tough enough to take me.

Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?
Gruff Sailor Fish: How tough am I? How tough am I? I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning!
Reg: Yeah, so?
Gruff Sailor Fish: ...Without any milk.

Krab Borg [3.9a]

Spongebob: Squidward's father... never hugged him... isn't that sad?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad... but Squidward can hug himself - DURING HIS BREAK!

Mr. Krabs: You're gonna interrogate my blender?

Rock-a-Bye Bivalve [3.9b]

Patrick: I want to be the mom!
SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
Patrick: You're right. if I was a mom, -- [the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form] -- this would be kind of shocking. Just call me Daddy!

Spongebob: I am a happy sponge!

[Patrick and Spongebob are having a huge fight with one another, when the scallop's chirping interrupts their bickering.]
Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!
Spongebob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of the two-story window.
[Patrick and Spongebob see Junior teetering on the edge of the window of Spongebob's house.]]
Patrick: Oh.
[All at once Patrick and Spongebob are struck by what's happening.]
Patrick and Spongebob: [Screaming] JUNIOR!!!!!!!!!

Spongebob: Did you catch him?
Patrick: [Looking sadly at his empty hands] No.
Patrick and Spongebob: [Crying] We're bad parents!

[As SpongeBob and Patrick watch the scallop fly away]
Spongebob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.
Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.
Spongebob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.
Patrick: Yeah. Let's have another!

Wet Painters [3.10a]

Spongebob: Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: [Gazing around at Mr. Krabs' numerous valuables on the walls] Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
Patrick: No way, Spongebob! We're not getting paid to move stuff.
Spongebob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.
Patrick: Well, that's what I said: "We're not getting paid, and that's final!"
Spongebob: Okay, we'll just paint around this stuff.
Patrick: Good. Just don't pay me.

[Mr. Krabs sees the pandemonium Spongebob and Patrick are causing in the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs: What the devilfish is going on here? Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And that's just sick.
Spongebob: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.
Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that?
[Squidward smiles sheepishly and hides his face behind the magazine he's reading.]

[Spongebob dips his brush into one of the cans of paint and tentatively approaches one of the walls.]
Spongebob: All right, Patrick, let's get started painting this wall, with the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall! Well, here we go.
[A time card reading "One hour later" appears on the screen.]
Narrator: One hour later...
Spongebob: [Sweating profusely] Just a few more seconds of mental preparation, and I'll be painting this wall.
[The next time card reads "Two hours later".]
Narrator: Two hours later...
[Spongebob is still standing in the same spot, and not a drop of paint has touched the wall.]
Spongebob: I'm getting to the painting.
[The next time card reads "Three hours later".]
Narrator: Three hours later...
Patrick: [pulls the time card out of the scene] Could you move it along? I'm all out of time cards.

[Spongebob sees, to his great horror, a giant paint bubble floating in the air.]
Spongebob: Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?!?!
Patrick: Oh, I know! [Takes a bubble wand out of his pocket, dips it eagerly into his own can of paint, and blows out a second paint bubble] Two giant paint bubbles!
[Spongebob screams. The two bubbles merge together to form one colossal bubble.]
Spongebob: Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!
Patrick: Nonsense!
[Patrick starts blowing up the bubble even more with a bicycle pump.]
Spongebob: PAT, NO!!!!!
[At last the bubble explodes, and paint sprays everywhere, covering every last bit of wall, but leaving all of Mr. Krabs' valuables unmarked.]
Spongebob: We did it! We painted the whole house! And without getting a drop of paint on anything but th-FLIPPING FLOTSAM, WHAT'S THAT?!!
[Spongebob sees a microscopic dot of paint on Mr. Krabs' first dollar, and falls to the floor.]
Spongebob: We're dead, Patrick! Do you know what that is?
Patrick: Hmmmm...It's a dollar! I win!
Spongebob: [Getting up from the floor] That's not just a dollar! It's Mr. Krabs' first dollar, his most prized possession! AND WE GOT PAINT ON IT!!!!!
Patrick: I think you are overreacting, Spongebob. I don't see any paint.

[Spongebob and Patrick are trying to think of a way to clean Mr. Krabs' first dollar before he returns home.]
Patrick: All we gotta do is wash the paint off, and Krabs will never know.
Spongebob: But Mr. Krabs said--
Patrick: Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something!

Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs' fault! If he hadn't hung that stupid dollar in the first place! I mean, it's not like it looks any different from a regular dollar! Why hang it?! You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And it wouldn't even-
Spongebob: Hurry, Patrick, get your wallet out!
Patrick: [Fishing his wallet out of his back pocket] I don't see where you're going with this-hey, a dollar!
Spongebob: Our butts are saved!
Spongebob: Okay Pat, now [Patrick puts it in a vending machine] NO!, PATRICK!, NO! [The dollar comes back out of the machine] PAT! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! PAT! GET IT! [Patrick puts the dollar back into the machine] noooooo.
Patrick: [While chewing a candy bar] Want a bite?

Mr. Krabs: Flipping fish fossils! Look what you did!
[Patrick and Spongebob immediately get down on their knees and apologize endlessly.]
Mr. Krabs: Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice!

[Mr. Krabs sees Spongebob hanging from the spot where his first dollar is supposed to be.]
Spongebob: Hi, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, what are you doing?
Spongebob: Oh, just...you know...hanging around.
Patrick: [Flashing a thumbs-down] Boo!
Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy.
[Spongebob stretches out his body, so that his feet touch the floor. Mr. Krabs is not amused.]
Mr. Krabs: All right, now you're just being silly.

[Mr. Krabs sees his paint-covered dollar.]
Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?
Patrick and Spongebob: We're sorry, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?
[A smiling face is seen scrawled on the front of the dollar. Spongebob looks at Patrick, and Patrick holds up a crayon innocently.]
Patrick: I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

[Mr. Krabs takes his dollar and gives it one great big lick with his tongue. When he puts it back on the wall, every last trace of paint and crayon is gone.]
Mr. Krabs: [Satisfied] There we go, good as new.
[Patrick and Spongebob are dumbfounded, and start babbling like idiots.]
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva.
Spongebob: [Beaming] Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!
Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya!
[Mr. Krabs bursts into gales of laughter. Spongebob and Patrick both scowl, and walk out the front door in a huff. Mr. Krabs laughs so hard that saliva sprays out of his mouth, causing the paint to ooze down his walls. When he's finally stopped laughing enough to see what's going on, his house is a major mess.]
Mr. Krabs: [Dismayed] Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Krusty Krab Training Video [3.10b]

Patrick: I'll have, Uhhhhhhh...... [goes to sleep]
Squidward: [Snapping his tentacle to wake Patrick] Patrick!! Go be stupid somewhere else!!
Patrick: Huh?! Oh! Right!! I'll have Uhhhhhhh.......... [goes to sleep, again]
Narrator: Psst. Squidward. Remember: POOP!
Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion, why don't you order a Krabby Patty?
Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty please.
Squidward: Whew... is that for here or to go? [gasps!]
Patrick: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh......
[Squidward, irritated, bangs his head on the cash register.]

Mr. Krabs: The money is always right!

Mr. Krabs: Now are you gonna order something or just stand there, 'cause there's a standin' fee.

Party Pooper Pants [3.11]

Patrick: [Reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down] Kirtap si emen, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it.
Mr. Krabs: No, you big dummy! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"!
Patrick: [Shakes his hand] Nice to meet you, Patrick!
'Mr. Krabs:' Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar! Good one, Patrick!
Patrick: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah.

[Looking at discussion cards.]
Mr. Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?
Plankton: Um... Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty". [The card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem... How interesting.
Mr. Krabs: Nice try, Plankton.

Spongebob: I can take loosing the topic cards and the phone in punchbowl, but I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAD THE BUNNY HOP! THIS IS A BUNCH OF BARNACLES! I'M BREAKING IN!

Chocolate with Nuts [3.12a]

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[They knock on a door.]
Guy: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.
[The guy slams the door shut.]
Spongebob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, 'ol pal. Let me give it a try. [Knocks on door]
Fish: Please, g-go away!
Spongebob: Hey uh, [coughs] ho-how ya doin'?
Fish: How am I doin'?
Spongebob: Wanna buy some chocolate?
Patrick: WE GOT 'IM NOW!!!!!!!

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?
Patrick: Yes, sir! With or without nuts?
Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!!

Con-artist fish: It looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.
Patrick: We'll take twenty!

Old Lady:They're selling chocolate!
Old Lady's Mother: What?!
Old Lady: Chocolate! THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE!!!
Old Lady's Mother: Oh, chocolate! I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I ALWAYS HATED IT!

Tom: CHOCOLATE!!!!!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are on the ground, begging Tom not to hurt them.]
Tom: [Laughing like a maniac] FINALLY! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CATCH YOU BOYS ALL DAY! NOW THAT I HAVE YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU -- [calms down instantly] -- I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [Holds up a mountain of cash]
[Chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's pants, followed by a Hershey's Kiss, then he and SpongeBob melt.]
SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.

Spongebob: Remember, Patrick, focus. [Walks up to house and knocks on door, the tenant answers] Hello, sir. Would you like to buy some chocolate?
[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out of his head towards the customer.]
Customer: Why is Chubby here staring at me?
Patrick: Focusing.
customer: [Backs up into his house] Back up, Jack! [Slams door on Patrick's eyes]
Patrick: [With eyes caught in door inside house] Nice place you got here!

Con-artist fish: Ah, such nice boys. It does my heart good to con a couple of class-A suckeroonees like those two!

Spongebob: Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.
Patrick: I can live with that.
Spongebob: Let's change our names to "Why" and "Bother".

Patrick: Let's get naked!
SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V [3.12b]

Barnacle Boy: You've lost, Mermaid Man, and the Superhero/Supervillain Rulebook says you have to give in to my demands!
Mermaid Man: Okay. What do you want?
Man Ray: World domination! Tell him we want world domination!
Dirty Bubble: Oh, and make him eat dirt, hmm hmm! [Man Ray looks at him questioningly] You know, in addition to the domination thing?
Barnacle Boy: Number one, I want to be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Number two, I want to be called Barnacle Man. And number three...
Man Ray: [yearning] Come on, domination...!
Barnacle Boy: I want an adult-size Krabby Patty.
Dirty Bubble: Did he say anything about eating dirt?

Mermaid Man: Who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Sandy: I do.
Patrick: I do.
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh yes you do. No world means no money. Now go save the world, or you're fired!

Mermaid Man: A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. Hmmm! (KA-BRAN!) Goes right through me every time.

[Mermaid Man is introducing SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward to the original costumes of the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances.]
Mermaid Man: Once you put on these costume, their fantastic powers will become yours.
Sandy: Wow, I didn't think superpowers worked that way.
Mermaid Man: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.

At the Krusty Krab)
Mermaid Man: I've made my my decision! ( crowd cheers ) A Krabby Patty for me and a Pipsqueak Patty for the boy.
Barnacle Boy: Now, wait just a darn minute! ( crowd moans ) I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty! I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty
Mermaid Man: The Krabby Patty is too big for you. You'll never finish it.
Barnacle Boy: Don't you see what you're doing?! You're treating me like a child!
Mr. Krabs: The boy's eyes are bigger than his stomach. ( Sandy, Squidward and Patrick laugh with him. )
Barnacle Boy: And that's another thing! I'm not a boy! I'm so old, I got hairs growing out of the wrinkles on my liver spots!
Squidward: One Pipsqueak Patty, and your bib and high chair! (Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward and Patrick laugh again. )
Barnacle Boy: I'M 68 YEARS OLD AND I WANT AN ADULT-SIZED KRABBY PATTY!
Mermaid Man: Your Pipsqueak patty is getting cold, shall I feed you?
Barnacle Boy: Feed this old man! ( Barnacleboy slaps Mermaidman , and SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy and Mr. Krabs go "oooooh". )
Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra! From now on I want to be called Barnacle MAN!!! And I'm through with protecting citizens who don't respect me!
SpongeBob: I respect you, Barnacle Man!
Barnacle Boy: That's Barnacle Boy!...Duh...I mean MAN! Duh-I...Oh, Forget you people. I say, if you don't give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain!!! A villain who is...EEEEEEEEVIL!!
SpongeBob: Evil?!
Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward, and Patrick: Evil?!
(cut to Mermaidman smiling. Mr. Krabs slaps him in the face)
Mermaidman: EVIL!!
Barnacle Boy: I'm crossing over to the dark side. (zoom out to reveal half the Krusty Krab is not lighted)
Mr.Krabs Why should I waste money lighting the whole store?

The Chief: It seems we have some information on the werabouts of Evil.
Patrick: The whosa'bouts of what?

New Student Starfish [14.a]

Patrick: Hey, buddy! Funny stuff in there, funny stuff!
SpongeBob: There is nothing funny about what you did in there, Patrick! You got me in trouble! You got me moved to the back of the room! You cost me one of my good noodle stars!
Patrick: Who cares about a stupid star?
Spongebob: Gee Patrick, it seems that you would care a lot about stupid stars, considering that you are one!
Patrick: We'll settle this after class!
Spongebob: It is after class!
Class: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Patrick: Who's fighting?
Spongebob: We're fighting, Patrick.

[Spongebob and Patrick punch. The class cheers, and then stops. Spongebob and Patrick are fighting, but not touching each other.]

Fish: This is embarassing. [Class murmurs with agreement]
Mrs. Puff: [picks up Spongebob and Patrick by their heads] Okay, what happened?
Patrick: We were fighting.
Mrs. Puff: [gasps] Fighting? Spongebob Squarepants, I can't believe I'm saying this but, you and your friend are going to detention!
Spongebob: Detention?!
Ms. Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your souls!

SpongeBob: I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!
Patrick: I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED AND SHOT SPITBALLS--
SpongeBob: I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!
Patrick: ME TOO! LET'S SAVE ROGER!

Clams [3.13b]

Squidward: [Crying out to Mr. Krabs] Yes, why did you have to go and leave me tied to this idiot!?

Squidward: Did you know that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?!? Just look at him.

[There shows Mr. Krabs crying, upon a grave that says 'R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar']

The Great Snail Race [3.15a]

Patrick: [to his pet rock at the race track] Don't worry Rocky. Take your time.

Announcer: And what a beautiful day for this sport of kings of which I am a huge fan. [beat] Seriously, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open.
Perch Perkins: Hey, what are you doing?! [The fan runs out.]

SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a rock.
Patrick: Yeah, I know. Thanks. He's got nerves of steel.

Sandy: [stops suddenly while walking down the street looking puzzled] I'm not sure why...but I think I'll kick Spongebob's butt tomorrow!

Squidward: Talk to me.
Mailman: Package sir.
Squidward: [looks at the package] Oh boy, it's finally here. Thank you.
Mailman: No, thank you Mr., Uh... 'Tennisballs'?
Squidward: That's 'Tentacles'. [slams door]
SpongeBob: Squidward's last name is 'Tentacles'?
Patrick: Poor guy...

SpongeBob: Well I guess I can't enter Gary in that [the Bikini Bottom Snail Race]? Sunday's laundry day.
Squidward: No, you can't enter Gary because he's a mutt.
[Gary is later seen in the appearance of a hillbilly]
SpongeBob: Yeah, you got that right. Gary's a...[after realizing what Squidward said, SpongeBob gets mad] Hey! What makes you think Gary can't compete?
Squidward: Papers. [He holds up his snail's certificate
Patrick: [reads the certificate] Hmm...'Property of Squidward...Tentpoles.'
Squidward: THAT'S TENNISBALLS! I, mean TENTACLES!

Spongebob: [In a personal trainer uniform] Looks like we’re going to start our training now, ladies. [laughs] I called you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It’s a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Cut to Sandy walking down a road. She suddenly halts and looks confused.]
Sandy: Hmm, I don't know why, but I think I'll kick Spongebob's butt tomorrow.

Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward. I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Squidward: Gosh Patrick, thanks. [reads the inscription] 'The First Place Snail Racing Cup Presented To Squidward... TORTELLINI??' Will I ever win?
[they all laugh, even Squidward; then Sandy appears and literally kicks SpongeBob's butt and sends him flying out of the stadium in doing so]
Sandy: THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY, SQUAREPANTS!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you tell me I was pushing you too hard?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You did? Oh Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You did?

Born Again Krabs [3.16a]

Mr. Krabs: Look Squidward! Money!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62¢?!

I Had an Accident [3.16b]

SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.
SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] Everyone's an idiot except for me.
Squidward: Well it's true.

Sandy: "Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?"
Patrick: "Not until four.
[SpongeBob lands hard on the ground and breaks his butt into a thousand pieces]
Sandy: Ohhh...that's got to hurt!
Patrick: Do it again, I wasn't looking.

Krabby Land [3.17a]

Mr. Krabs: Krabby Land: Where a kid can have fun... for the right price!
Spongebob: You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. And all I saw was...Cheapy the Cheapskate!
Mr. Krabs: Hey. I ain't cheap. [Mr. Krabs rubs his Krabby the Clown nose on his shirt. When he's finished, it turns out red.] Now, put this tomato in the oven before it spoils.

The Camping Episode [3.17b]

Squidward: You've waited a long time for this, Squidward. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no [imitates SpongeBob's laugh].

[Squidward starts playing sour notes on his clarinet.]
SpongeBob: Oh, no! [Takes a marshmallow and a slingshot and takes aim] I'll save you, Squidward!
[SpongeBob fires the marshmallow into Squidward's clarinet. It goes all the way into the back of Squidward's throat. At once the music stops and Squidward falls over backward. SpongeBob rushes over and kneels at Squidward's side.]
SpongeBob: [Frantically] Squidward, are you all right? [Guides Squidward's jaw up and down] That's it, chew, chew! Now swallow. [Squidward swallows, and gasps loudly for air.] There, better?
Squidward: [Angrily] Better?!?!?!?! I was just fine until you launched that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!

SpongeBob: It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness. It might attract...a sea bear.
Squidward: A sea bear? You mean like the ones that DON'T EXIST?!
SpongeBob: What are you saying?
Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth!
SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward. Sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Squidward: [Reading the title on the front] 'I married a sea bear.'
Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly.
Squidward: [Again reading the title out loud] 'Sea bears and fairy tales are real.' That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Patrick: Well maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Like, once, I met this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy's cousin--
Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful.

Spongebob: I call this one "The Campfire Song" song
Lets gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong :But it'll help if you sing along
Patrick: BUM BUM BUM
Spongebob: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song (Patrick Not Keeping Up)
And if you think that we can't sing it faster than you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along
Patrick: Bum-bum-bum!
Spongebob: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song PATRICK!
Patrick: Song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E!
Spongebob: Squidward!
(Silence)
Spongebob: Good!
It'll help
It'll help
If you just sing along! (Spongebob screams and breaks all his instruments.)
OH, YEAH!
Now wasn't that relaxing.

Squidward: Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks.
Spongebob: Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows! [Holds up a bag of big white marshmallows, takes one and eats it.] Mmmm-mmmmmm! Just like the astronauts eat!

Spongebob: [As an astronaut] Spongebob to Patrick, help yourself!
Patrick: Yummy! [Takes a marshmallow and crams it eagerly into his mouth.] Patrick to Spongebob, the deliciousness has landed!

Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I'm going to have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls, just as soon as I can get my can opener.
Spongebob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener with you when you hiked out here?
Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.
Spongebob: But this is the wilderness. It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.
Patrick: Pretty weeny.
Squidward: All right, gimme them marshmallows!
[He snatches the bag of marshmallows away from Spongebob.]

Squidward: Why don't you tell me all the things I shouldn't do, if I want to keep the sea bears away?
SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Okay. And?
SpongeBob: Never wave a flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Squidward: [Jotting down notes onto a pad of paper] Go on!
SpongeBob: Never eat cheese.
Squidward: Sliced, or cubed?
[Patrick and SpongeBob have a quick discussion.]
SpongeBob: Cubed. Sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah? Yeah?
SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero--
Patrick: --in a goofy fashion.
SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
SpongeBob: And never--
Patrick: --ever--
SpongeBob: --EVER--
SpongeBob and Patrick: --screech like a chimpanzee!
Squidward: Wow! It's amazing how so many things can set a sea bear off.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [Hugging each other] They're horrible!
Squidward: And, all of a sudden, I have the sense we're all in danger.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Why?
Squidward: I don't know. [Disappears and returns two seconds later wearing a sombrero, a hoop skirt, clown shoes, and holding a flashlight in one hand and a platter of cubed cheese in the other.] Just a feeling!

  • Patrick: Spongebob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear is sure to come and eat us!

Spongebob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt.
Patrick: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.

  • [Squidward has just been pummeled by a vicious sea bear.]

Spongebob: [To Squidward] Quick, jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!
Patrick: Yeah, sea bears often attack more than once!
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!
Spongebob and Patrick: No!
[The sea bear comes back and starts mauling Squidward again.]
Spongebob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that.
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up even more than ever before.]
Spongebob: They hate limping more than running.
Squidward: Well, maybe I'll just...
[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up again.]
Spongebob: I should have warned you about crawling.
[The sea bear attacks Squidward yet again.]
Squidward: What'd I do that time?
Spongebob: I don't know. I guess he just doesn't like you.
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else.
[Spongebob throws Squidward a stick.]
Spongebob: Here, draw a circle!
Squidward: Okay.
[The sea bear comes back and attacks once more.]
Spongebob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle.
'Squidwardbruised and mangled and bandaged, joins Spongebob and Patrick inside their anti-sea-bear circle. The sea bear comes back, but then notices the circle, so he cannot attack. Instead, he merely growls angrily at Squidward, and leaves.]

Plankton's Army [3.18a]

Squidward: Let me guess. It's at home. Under your mattress.
[Mr. Krabs gasps, then runs home at top speed.]
Mr. Krabs: Curse you, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, why don't you hose out the men's room?
SpongeBob: With pleasure, sir!
[Mr. Krabs moves Squidward.]
Mr. Krabs: I'll take this one. Welcome to the Krusty Krab, sir. Can I help you?

Robot Customer: Yes, please. I'd like an order of chili coral bits. Mr. Krabs: (holds up a krabby patty) You sure you don't want a krabby patty? Robot Customer: No, thank you. (holds a dollar) Will this cover it? Mr. Krabs: Uh...sure. (takes the dollar, hands the robot customer a bag) Here you go. Robot Customer: (blasts his eye laser beam, making a hole in the door) Good day. Mr. Krabs: Wow. That must be another of Plankton's jokes. Well, at least his money's good. (laughs) Plankton: (jumping out of the dollar) A-HA! Mr. Krabs: Plankton! You knew I would never distrust a dollar! Plankton: That's right, Krabs. Now hand over the secret krabby patty formula! Mr. Krabs: Or what? Plankton: I don't know. I'd never thought I'd get this far. Mr. Krabs: Well, then, allow me to suggest your next move. Plankton: (while being flushed down a toilet) YEEEEOOOOOOWWWW! Curse you, Krabs! Mr. Krabs: (laughs) And now for the chaser. Plankton: (while squeezing out of a hole) Just wait, Krabs! I'll--oh, who am I kidding? At least I can go home to a wife who understands.


Mr Krabs: Curse you, Planktons, and your ability to join together to form a working human ear!

(Plankton's doorbell rings) Plankton: THEY'RE HERE! (opening his door) Welcome, brethren! (he has a sad look on his face) Clem: Hey, look, it's Cousin Plankton! Planktons: YEE-HAW! Plankton: I've been away from home longer than I thought. Clem: Hi, Plankton. It's me, Clem.(shakes Plankton's hand) Plankton: Guh.


Plankton: Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles! WHO WILL JOIN ME?!?

Plankton: Victory, thy name is Plankton!

(turns around,has a paper taped to his back and says 'SHELDON')

Missing Identity [3.18a]

Spongebob: The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way. Ba! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. (Spongebob tastes the snail food. Spongebob's face turns green.) BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

(In snail food headquarters)

Woman: What is it Peterson?
Peterson: I don't know, I feel a disturbance.
Spongebob: That was the worst thing I've ever tasted, well, at least I don't have to eat it ever again.

The Sponge Who Could Fly [2.19]

Old Man Jenkins: I knew no good would come from city folk and their flying machines!

Spongebob: Well, it was fun while it lasted.

SpongeBob Meets the Strangler [3.20a]

  • Squidward: Another day, another migraine (Laughs) Mi-

Computer Voice: On Time Percentage 12%
Squidward: (Finishing His Sentence) -graine

  • Tattletale Strangler: For all we know, he could be the Strangler.[points at Patrick]

Patrick: I'm the Strangler? I should've known. I gotta turn myself in! Aaah! [runs out to the police station, smashing though SpongeBob's house's wall on the way]

Pranks a Lot [3.20b]

Patrick: [after both are fighting over the invisible paint, they accidentally make their clothes disappear]
Tom: [drives the tour bus up right next to them] and if you look to your left, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint!
Spongebob: GAH! We gotta find our clothes! [starts to search through the dirt between Patrick and himself]
Patrick: [sprays Spongebob's hand with the invisible spray] I gotta hand it to you, SpongeBob, you look kind of funny!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Righty! Nobody messes with Righty! [takes the spraypaint from Patrick with his invisible hand and sprays a big hole in his stomach] Kinda gives you an empty feeling, doesn't it?
Patrick: [takes back the paint and erases the top right hand corner of his head, along with his eye] I see what you mean!
SpongeBob: [erases Patrick's crotch] No guts, no glory!
Narrator: Several bad puns later...

Random Bikini Bottomite: Ghosts!
Fred: Ghosts!
Random Bikini Bottomite: Ghosts!
Random Bikini Bottomite: Toast!
Bikini Bottomite on a toilet: Ghosts!

Patrick: We're not ghosts! The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!

Season Four

Fear of a Krabby Patty [4.1a]

[After so many days running 24 hours]
Mr. Krabs: Day... uh, anyone know how many days it's been? I lost track.
Squidward: [wheezes] 43.

Plankton: Okay, I say a word, and you say the first word that pops in your head.
Plankton: Work.
SpongeBob: Work.
Plankton: Spatula.
SpongeBob: Spatula.
Plankton: [annoyed] Bun.
SpongeBob: Bun.
Plankton: See, the key is to say something different than what I say.
SpongeBob: Ooh, I get it.
Plankton: Tomato.
SpongeBob: TUH-MAH-TOE.
Plankton: Potato.
SpongeBob: PUH-TAH-TOE
Plankton: Grr... I give up.

[In SpongeBob's dream]
Krabby Patty: [points at SpongeBob's chest] I'll always be with you right here.
SpongeBob: In my heart?
Krabby Patty: Actually, in your arteries.

[When SpongeBob is cured]
Plankton: What about the formula???
SpongeBob: You're right, I gotta go back to work.
Plankton: Wait!! Come back! Therapy doesn't work. You're still sick! Very very sick!

Mr. Krabs: No more 24 hour shifts, 'cause 23 hours will be plenty!

Have You Seen this Snail? [4.3]

Gary: Meow.

Spongebob: Dirty Bubble, say your prayers!

Snails in Painting: RUN!!!!!!!

[Gary sees the fliers Spongebob and Patrick have been posting all over town, and realizes that Spongebob wants him back.]
Spongebob: [In Gary's mind] Gary, please come back to me!
[Gary starts crawling towards his old home.]
Spongebob: (continued) Go, boy! Go!

[Spongebob reads the goodbye note that Gary has left him.]
Spongebob: 'Dear Spongebob: These last few years have been some of the best of my life, but I must move on. Don't come looking for me. I know I'll probably have found a new owner who actually remembers to fill up my food bowl every now and again. Sincerely, Gary--or, at least until my new owner renames me.'
Spongebob: [In regular voice] Dear Neptune, what have I done?
Patrick: Whaddya mean? You drove him away! It's right there in black and white! [Points to various sections of Gary's letter] See, right there. And there.
Spongebob: [Stunned] Gary!

[Gary is about to feast on a discarded box of nachos, when he suddenly finds himself surrounded by a menacing-looking gang of stray snails.]
Gang Leader: Look who came to dinner!
[Gary panicks and flees for his life at once.]
Random Snail: Guess he doesn't like nachos.

Granny: Oh, there you are, Ms. Tuffsy!
Other Snail: Who?

Patrick: D'AAAAAARGHH!! THE APOCALYPSE!! OFFICE PRODUCTS FALLING FROM THE SKY!!

Random Snail: Hey you're that guy who doesn't like nachos.

[Spongebob fills up Gary's food bowl, then realizes Gary is nowhere in the house.]
Spongebob: Gary? Hey, Pat?
Patrick: Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: How long was I playing the Dirty Bubble Challenge?
Patrick: About a week.
Spongebob: A week?!? Are you sure?
Patrick: [Studying his glass of seahorse milk] Hmmmm...well... [He shakes his glass; and his milk comes sliding out in one disgusting, solidified white blob. Patrick sniffs at the blob, then eats it. He pulls a hideous face, then quickly reverts to his usual impassive self.] Yeah, it's about a week, maybe ten days.
Spongebob: [Frantic] Ten days? GARY!

Patrick: SpongeBob! I just remembered! Back at the craft store, I saw... these huge chunks of balsa wood! They were AWESOME!

Selling Out [4.5a]

Carl: Hey fellas! What's going on over here?
Squidward: Oh, hey Carl! I was just reminding Eugene about article 24, section 3 of the Employee Handbook!
Carl: Cut the chatter, and pick up a platter. Good job, Squidward!
Mr. Krabs: What've you done with the real Squidward?!
Carl: The less you know Eugene, the better!

Carl: Now, you wouldn't want to talk to some human resources, [A big hitman appears in the doorway] would ya'? what's our motto again?
Squidward: [With a frightened stare] Uh-uh... Sincere Service... [Slaps himself, changing expression] WITH A SMILE!!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the krabby patties?
SpongeBob: I tried to tell them, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME!!!

Mr. Krabs: [Seeing Krabby Patties being processed on a conveyor belt] This is obscene!

Mr. Blandy: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem?
Mr. Krabs: You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy, but after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time! Not on a conveyor belt!
[An alarm sounds just then. Gray matter oozes out from beneath the closed kitchen door.]
Carl: Oh, my.

[While golfing during his retirement]
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. I hate golf!"

Carl the Fish: Mr. Blandy?! Code Red!! FREE THINKER!!!

Dunces and Dragons [4.6]

Guard: Right this way.
SpongeBob: Excuse me, but I believeth you meanteth to say, "Righteth this way-eth!"
Guard: [holds his spear up to his throat, he gulps, and then puts it down.] Some day, but not today.

Squidly: Everyone be-eth a critic.

Patrick: Me thinks it's mutton-tastic!
Patrick (after his stomach growls): What does a guy have to do to get some mutton around here? I'm starving!

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture [4.7a]

Sandy: Did someone say "boom"? [Blows up movie set with dynamite]

Enemy-in-Law [4.7b]

Mr. Krabs: PLANKTON!!
Plankton: KRABS!!
Mrs. Krabs: EUGENE!!
Mr. Krabs: MOMMY!!
Plankton: Mommy?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob!!
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!!

SpongeBob: And this handsome sponge is your waiter.
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!!

Plankton: Excuse me! I can't reach my Silverware!

Spongebob: [pulls out a smaller chair and table, places it on the big table, and puts Plankton into it.]
Plankton: Is my tie on straight?
Spongebob: You...look....FABULOUS!!!

Mrs. Krabs: Oh, Sheldon.
Plankton: Oh, Mrs. Krabs. [snaps]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, brother.

Plankton: [shows Mrs. Krabs a beautiful ring] Will you marry me?
Mr. Krabs: No fooling around, Eugene! It's time to act like a man!

[Mr. Krabs is taking Plankton out of the restaurant.]

Mrs. Krabs: Eugene! Put my boyfriend down this instant!

[Mr. Krabs looks shocked.]

Plankton: Boyfriend?
Mr. Krabs: But, Mommy.
Plankton: You heard the woman, Krabs. Put me down!

[Mr. Krabs drops Plankton into Mrs. Krabs' hand]

Plankton: That's more like it.

Plankton: I'm more like a restauranteneur. I'm the owner of the Chum Bucket.
Mrs. Krabs: Never heard of it.
Plankton: [looks shocked] It's across the street.
Mrs. Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.
Plankton: It's on the back of the phone book. Come on, I paid a lot of money for this! Never mind, never mind. So, tell me about you.

Patrick Smartpants [4.8a]

Patrick: [to Squidward] May I suggest that on the seventh bar of the 'Adagio Andante' that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated B flat scale.
Squidward: Wow, I never thought of doing it like that.
Patrick: That is because you rarely think at all.

Patrick: Knowledge can never replace friendship! I PREFER TO BE AN IDIOT!
SpongeBob: You're NOT just an idiot Patrick, your also my PAL!

SpongeBob: PATRICK, you're back!
Patrick: Patrick, you're back.
[They hug each other]

Krusty Towers [4.9a]

Patrick: I'd like a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: This is a hotel now. If you want a Krabby Patty, you'll have to rent a room and order room service!
Patrick: OK! One Krabby Patty, and one room. With cheese. Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty too?

Patrick: First, you need to take my bags.
Squidward: How could you have bags? You just found out this was a hotel!
Patrick: This is a hotel?

Mr. Krabs: This elevator is for guests only. Take the employee elevator!!

[Squidward looks at the employee elevator, then looks shocked cause that elevator was a million steps!]

Squidward: [While carrying Patrick's suitcases] What's in these things? Rocks?
[Squidward drops the suitcases, which makes them open up, revealing rocks.]
Squidward: Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks?
Patrick: I don't tell you how to live your life!

Patrick: Squidward, wait! I don't like crusts on my sandwich.
Squidward: That's a bun, it's all crust! How am I supposed to cut the crust of a bun?
Patrick: Peel it.
[Squidward peels the crust off of the Krabby Patty buns]
Squidward: Happy?
[Patrick gleefully enjoys his Krabby Patty]

Squidward: I'd like a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hairs.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir!
Squidward: And I'd like it here in five seconds.
[SpongeBob leaves and returns with a Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob: Here you are, sir!
Mr. Krabs: Well, you've got your stinky sandwich. Now eat it!
Squidward: Oh, I'm not going eat it! You are. [Hands it to Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Wha-? You're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna eat that!
SpongeBob: [Whispers to Mr. Krabs] That's not really a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hairs.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I get you boy. [winks] All right, Squidward.
[Mr. Krabs bites into the patty, but sticks his tongue out in disgust. On it, there are toenail clippings and nose hairs, but no cheese.]
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. We were all out of cheese.
[Scene cuts to Patrick's Room which is coated with cheese]
Patrick: Hooray!

Squidward: This room is hideous. Redesign it! Neptune XIV would be nice.
[many designs later]
Squidward: Perfect!
Mr. Krabs: This room is exactly the same as when we started!
Squidward: Nothing like getting back to the basics.

[Towards the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs, Spongebob, Patrick, and Squidward wind up in the hospital. Mr. Krabs is alarmed to see at how high their medical bill is.]
Mr. Krabs: FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!?!?!?!?
Squidward: You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?
Mr. Krabs: Not at these prices! Forget hotels. This hospital is where the money is!
Patrick: This is a hospital?
Mr. Krabs: Pack your bags, boys! You're going to medical school!
Patrick and Spongebob: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, boy...

Mrs. Puff, You're Fired [4.10b]

Driving Instructor: First rule! No talking in my class!
Student #1: Does that mean--
Driving Instructor: [grabs student by the head and football tosses him through a wooden door]
Driving Instructor: Second rule! No eating in my class. [takes out a box of chocolates] Would anyone care for a bon-bon?
Student #2: Uh, I'd like one...[raises hand, all other students gasp]
Driving Instructor: Pick your favorite.
Student #2: [picks up one bon-bon and slurps it up with his tongue and chews]
Driving Instructor: How's it taste...?
Student #2: It's a delightful taste sensation!--
Driving Instructor: [grabs the student by the skull and runs forward with a horrific tune playing in the background] I SAID NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM!! [football throws the student through yet another wooden door]

SpongeBob: [crawling on his hands and feet on a driving course then notices a pebble] PEEEBBLLLE!! [SpongeBob's hand collides ontop of the pebble, in which gets stuck in the palm of his hand] YYYEEOOOOW! OOOOOW! [SpongeBob falls onto his butt but keeps accelerating forward, leaving a trail of fire behind him. He then lounges up into the air, continuing to scream out, "YEEOOW! OOOOW!", grasping onto the wrist of the hand with the pebble stuck in it. He falls back down and is caught by his driving instructor, letting out one more, "OOOOW!". His body then snaps apart from his arm, leaving his body to fall onto the ground]
Driving Instructor: Pathetic! Tripped up by a wee pebble?! First, you must learn how to crawl! Then you will learn how to walk! And after you learn how to walk, you must learn how to run! But before you learn how to walk, you must learn how to CRAWL! I WANT YOU TO CRAAAWL!!
SpongeBob: SIR, YES, SIR!

SpongeBob: [after SpongeBob destroys every obstacle in the driving course] So, heh... how'd I do?
Driving Instructor: How did you do...? [lifts up a broken fragment of a civilian obstacle SpongeBob destroyed] Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian.. HOW YOU DID!?

Mrs. Puff: I'm finally away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob.

Driving Instructor: STEP THREE!
SpongeBob: Engage blindfold!
Driving Instructor: What?! You can't drive with a blindfold! That's illegal!
SpongeBob: But.. I can't drive without a blindfold.
Driving Instructor: DRIVE, BOY! DRIIIVE!!
SpongeBob: [floors onto the gas pedal and quickly collides into a huge oil canister labeled, "GAS", subsequently obliterating the whole boating school facility in a mushroom-radius explosion. The boat flies off and lands onto the main road of Bikini Bottom as they drive through the city]
Driving Instructor: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! YOU'RE OFF COURSE!

Driving Instructor: I'm stopping this boat! [grabs the shirt collar of Mr. Fitt] Tell my wife... I love her! [launches off onto the hood of the car, then dramatically springs into the air and infront of the driving boat, grunting in a very low, grungy, command] COME GET SOOOME!!! [the boat easily plows through the instructor as he quickly flies off screen in a swirling torrent]

SpongeBob: Hey, Mrs. Puff. Sorry I'm "unteachable."
Mrs. Puff: It's okay... I got my teaching certificate back... and your dossier was destroyed in the explosion... [trembling voice] so, it's as if you never failed..!

All That Glitters [4.12a]

SpongeBob: All That Glitters is not gold.

Wishing You Well [4.12b]

Squidward: You're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What's that?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: HO HO HO!!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!!
Patrick: HO HO HO!!!
Squidward: It's not working, Patrick.
Patrick: Darn it.
Spongebob: Uh, Squidward, you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh! Sorry, Spongebob.
Patrick: And you got your elbow in my ribs.
Squidward: [looks down and sees his elbow in a plate of ribs] Ew...
Patrick: And stop stepping on my potato salad!
[Patrick falls and is sitting on Squidward]
Squidward: PATRICK!!! I told you I'm claustrophobic!!
Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here!
Squidward: PATRICK!!!

Mr. Krabs: [upon learning about wishing wells] Suckers throw money down a well for fun? That's the greatest scam ever!

Mr. Krabs: I wish I was steamed, and served with a side of melted butter!

Bummer Vacation [4.14a]

Patrick: [puts finger in head] I didn't even know I had an ear.

SpongeBob: [turns to Patrick with a demented look on his face] I've been waiting for you Patrick!

Driven to Tears [4.17a]

SpongeBob: Now you can put this plate on your boatmobile.
Patrick: Oh, I threw it away. The needle was on E, so I guess that means "End."

Patrick: Learning tastes good!

SpongeBob: And whatever blah blah blah...

Patrick: 58 is like, the luckiest number ever!

Mr. Krabs: (After making Spongebob man the drive-thru) It's for those people on the open road, living their dreams.
Spongebob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.

Announcer: Congratulations. You are the one millionth person to pass the test.
Patrick: Does this mean I win a free keychain?

Born to be Wild [4.18b]

Spongebob: Squidward, when have I ever been known to overreact?

(flashback)

Spongebob: Squidward, we're out of napkins! (starts crying) Out of napkins!
Spongebob: Squidward, I accidentally removed the do not remove my penalty of law tag on my mattress! Hide me! Hide me!
Spongebob: Squidward, I've gone blind! (Squidward turns the lights on) Oh, thanks Squidward.

(flashback ends)

Squidward: Spongebob, you always overreact to everything! It's one of your many annoying traits.
Spongebob: Me annoying? (Spongebob starts laughing awkwardly.)

Season Five

Friend or Foe [5.1]

SpongeBob: Why, Mr. Krabs? Why does he hate us so?

Mr. Krabs: Listen up Squidward, cause this is where it gets juicy.

SpongeBob: Don't forget your condiments, Plankton!

Kid Plankton: Get outta my FACE!
Kid Krabs & Kid Plankton: [growling together]

Potty the Parrot: You've got rats in the kitchen!

Sing a Song of Patrick [5.3]

Patrick: I wrote a poem once... [cutaway to a smaller, childhood Patrick, who's voice is higher-pitched]
Childhood Patrick: [reading from a script] A poem by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom. [eats the script]
Gym Teacher: How many times do I have to tell you?! This is GYM CLASS!! Kids! DODGE BALL! [blows a whistle] [Many red balls are thrown at Patrick]

Squidward: What is that horrible smell?! [sees steam coming out of Spongebob's window] Is Patrick thinking again? [to Patrick] Patrick! It smells like something crawled into your brain and died!
Patrick: That's the creative process at work!

[the band members die after performing Patrick's song]
A Eulogizer: [to Patrick] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]
Patrick: My song!

[Patrick plays his record, slowly destroying Spongebob's house]
Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star
I made myself a sandwich
My mommy named it Fred
It tastes like beans and bacon
And it smells like it's been dead!
Writing stuff is hard so I use
A pointy pencil
Pointy,Pointy,Pointy
Pointy,Pointy,Point.
P.U. what's that horrible smell?
Patrick: Drum solo! [a drum solo plays]
I have a head
It ends in a point
Pointy,Pointy,Pointy
Pointy,Pointy,Point.
This song is over
Except for this line:
You win this round
Broccoli!
Patrick: That was AWESOME!! Did you like it, Spongebob? Or did you really, REALLY like it?! Give me your complete, honest opinion, ON HOW GREAT IT WAS!!
Spongebob: [wistfully] How do I put this delicately...? [suddenly excited] THAT WAS THE BEST SONG I HAVE EVER HEARD!!

Patrick: That was my new song called, 'AUGHOEUIEHWAOOUH'!

A Flea in her dome [5.4]

Patrick: Why does this flea keep biting me?
Sandy: When a flea bites you, he's hungry. He's sucking your blood.
Patrick: I have been bitten by a vampire flea! I'm gonna turn into a vampire! [in a painful voice] It's already happening!

Patrick: [sees bite marks on his stomach] Oh, boy! "Connect the Dots"! [scribbles on his stomach] I drawed a horsey!

Donut Of Shame [5.9c]

Patrick: Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBobs kitchen, on the ceiling. See SpongeBob I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. (Has a flash back of last night's tea party) She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob..SpongeBob?....(Notices SpongeBob snoring and has a donut in his hand and wants to eat it)'.
Patrick: That's a good lookin donut.

Atlantis Squarepantis

Mr Krabs: Is This Some Kind Of Joke!? Where's That Gas Tank?
  • (Song Starts)
Spongebob: A Song? To Sing A Song? A song of wanting to move along (Off-Key) To a land where all our dreee--

(Falls To The Floor Low Song Stops)

Spongebob: Sorry.

20,000 Patties Under the Sea [5.16a]

Spongebob: Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye Squidward.
Patrick: You said 'Bye Squidward' twice.
Spongebob: I like Squidward.

Plankton: Hello, little one! Would you like a Chum Burger?
Little Kid: Uh... does it come in raspberry?
Plankton: Umm.. no...
Little Kid: Blueberry...?
Plankton: No.
Little Kid: Uuuuuummmmmmm..... raspberry?
Plankton: Aw, c'mon! You already said that! Quit wasting my time!
Little Kid's Mother: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?!
Plankton: I'm Plankton, ya old hag, and your son smells like boogers!
Husband: Hey, don't talk to my wife like that! What do you think this is?!
Plankton: Looks like it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!
Husband's Mother: You can't talk to my son like that! You belong in a mental institution!
Plankton: You belong in a box floating down the river, grandma!
Husband's Mother: You're probably right...
Plankton: You people are crazy! I'm gettin' outta here! [people begin throwing rocks at Plankton] Hey!

The Battle of Bikini Bottom [5.17a]

Season 6

The Splinter [6.1a]

Patrick: [As doctor, inspecting SpongeBob's thumb which has a splinter in it] Well, here's your problem! Don't worry, buddy. I'll take care of it in no time.
SpongeBob: Phew, thanks Patrick, you're a real life saver.
Patrick: [Takes out a huge wooden spike and a hammer, placing the spike ontop of the splinter and lines up the hammer, then Patrick slams the splinter further into SpongeBob's thumb]
SpongeBob: OWWW!! [SpongeBob's thumb swells up horrifically and grows ten times in size]
Patrick: Hmmm... there appears to be a little bit of swelling. [Patrick picks up a lump of trash] This garbage compress should help that go down. [Patrick smothers the swollen thumb with the garbage. The garbage slides off of it and the area where the splinter is inserted fizzes a sickly green ooze and turns SpongeBob's thumb a dark purple] ...That doesn't look good. [Pager beeps] But my shifts over. Call me in the morning.

Mr. Krabs: Come on, it's just a little splinter, it can't be that... [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled splinter] gah-gah-ai-ai, rah-AAHH!! Dear, merciful Neptune!
Squidward: [moans and faints]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] There, problem solv-- [a mass amount of pale green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face, he makes gurgling sounds but takes out an umbrella as it dies down] There ya go. Hah, for a second there, I thought I'd have to pay for your worker's compensation.
SpongeBob: What's worker's compensation?
Mr. Krabs: You know, it's when you get paid for sitting at home.
Squidward: [Squidward's eyes shoot open] You get paid for doing nothing?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, what did ya think compensation stands for?
Squidward: [breaks the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times]
Mr. Krabs: Uhhh... Squidward?
Squidward: [throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it, then squirms] Do I get my compensation, now?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, no. Your shift ended over two minutes ago.
Squidward: [groans]

Note: 2 Krabby patties P.S. SpongeBob, you're an idiot ♥ Squidward
SpongeBob: Two Krabby patties. P.S., SpongeBob, you're an idiot. Looove, Squidward! Hah, love you, too, Squidy.

Mr. Krabs: Uhh.. SpongeBob? Have you always had three legs?
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob has a sock and shoe over his splintered thumb to hide it] ...Yes...
Mr. Krabs: [believing tone] Interesting... now, what's this thing about a splinter Squidward's been telling me about?

SpongeBob: Please, don't tell Mr. Krabs!! Ple-he-hease! [sobs]
Squidward: Me? No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, no - no, no - no, no, no, no. No.
SpongeBob: [pauses and wipes forehead] Phew.
Squidward: Well, maybe.
SpongeBob: AAAHHH!! [holds onto beating heart that's emiting from his chest]

SpongeBob: [dinging the serving bell] Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
Squidward: I HEARD YOU!!

Squidward: [smiling with a calm, relaxed voice] What's this? [referring to the spatula taped onto SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob: Hehe, what's what?
Squidward: [in the same tone as before] This, right here. [flicks the spatula on SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob: What's what where?
Squidward: [same tone] What's this, this thing, right over here?
SpongeBob: [giggles] What do you mean?
Squidward: [same tone] This spatula... TIED to your NOOOSE!?!?
SpongeBob: Oooh, this! [explains quickly] You see, this [spatula] got stuck up there so I stacked and climbed up and I got it but I fell and I thought I was surely going to die but I didn't and I fell to safety but then I tripped and got this splinter but then it wouldn't let me cook Krabby patties so I taped this spatula to my nose, doesn't it make sense? Squidward? Were you listening?
Squidward: [sarcastic] Oh, yes, it makes perfect sense.

Sun Bleached [6.4a]

Patrick: [Patrick sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of bacon for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit] AAHHHH!! AAH-AHH-AAAHH!! [Patrick instantly turns calm and normal after screaming, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head which sticks to the mud, then gives SpongeBob a mirror] See?
SpongeBob: [screams, horrified] I... look... [adoring voice] amaaaziiing.

The Movie

Mr. Krabs: "I stole your crown, signed.. EUGENE KRABS"?!
King Neptune: Relinquish the royal crown to me AT ONCE! [points a burning trident at Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: But, but, this is crazy! I didn't do it!
Answering Machine: Ahoy! This is Eugene Krabs - leave a message!
Clay on Answering Machine: Hi, Mr. Krabs, this is Clay - the guy you sold Neptune's crown to? Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown. [Mr. Krabs tries to stop the machine by breaking it but it continues to play] I sold it to a guy in Shell City and, uh... I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown... [Mr. Krabs rips the phone from the cord but the phone still works for a brief moment] ]Clay speaking quickly]...which is now in Shell City, goodbye.
Mr. Krabs: Eh-heh-heh, h'well, I was.. I, uh.. hoo-hoo... eh... don't 'cha just hate wrong numbers?
King Neptune: MY CROWN IS IN THE FORBIDDEN SHELL CITY?!? [cackles his head back and screams in utter frustration] UUGGH-AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!
Plankton: [appearing on the other side of the phone, revealing himself to be "Clay"] Plan Z, I love Plan Z!
King Neptune: [continuing to scream horrifically] RUUUUGGGH-AAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!! [becomes normal and points burning trident at Mr. Krabs again] Prepare to burn, Krabs!

King Neptune: My hair is thinning a bit...
SpongeBob: Oh, your highness , I'm sure it's not that noticab-- [King Neptune takes off the paper bag from his head revealing an insanely blinding glow] --aaald! Baaald! Baaald!
Crowd of People: Baaald! Baaald! Baaald! Baaald!
Fish: [eyes sizzle as if he were looking directly into the sun] MY EEEYES!!
King Neptune: [puts the bag back on] All right, all right.
SpongeBob: Uh.. King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if I went to get your crown back?
King Neptune: You go to Shell City?! [eyes bulge out of head as he cackles his head back psychotically] MWAHAH-HAH-HAH-HAHH!! EH-HEH-HAH-HAH!! EH-HAH-HAH-HAAH HAAH HAAAAAAAH HAH HAH HAAAH!! [goes back to normal] No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned.

Spongebob: Patrick, we're gonna party 'till we're purple!
Patrick: OH, I LOVE BEING PURPLE!!!

Neptune: Be back with my crown, in exactly 10 days!
Patrick: He can do it in 9!
Neptune: 8!
Patrick: 7!
Neptune: 6!
Spongebob and Mr. Krabs: PATRICK!! [Spongebob and Mr. Krabs fight Patrick]
Neptune: 6 it is then! [Mr Krabs starts choking Patrick]
Patrick: [Gasping for air] 5?!
SpongeBob: Patrick, shush!

Dennis the Hitman: [he meets SpongeBob and Patrick] Finally.

Squidward: Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.

Squidward: [Mr. Krabs has been frozen solid] Who turned on the A/C? Ahhh! Mr. Krabs! [Squidward knocks on Krabs 3 times] Oh, no, this is terrible! Who's going to sign my paycheck?

SpongeBob: How are we going to get back to Bikini Bottom now?
David Hasselhoff: I can take you there. [cuts to Hasselhoff running toward them]
SpongeBob: Who are You?!
David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hurray!
SpongeBob: Where's your boat?
David Hasselhoff: Boat? Ha ha ha. [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick riding on his back]
SpongeBob: Go Hasselhoff!

Gary: Meow-PLANKTON

Plankton: I've never felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife!
Karen: I never agreed.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, to be a manager, you've got to be a man. Or they'd have to call it kidager! You understand-ager? I mean, you understand?

Mr. Krabs: Hello. I like money.
Perch Perkins: So, what inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next to the original?
Mr. Krabs: Money.

Patrick: But you don't have your license!
Spongebob: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

Patrick: Are they laughing at us?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick. They're laughing NEXT to us.

Patrick: [Slaps his hand to his forehead] WHAT? THAT'S INSANE! W-well sayin' you're a kid, it's like sayin' I'm a kid!
Bartender: [In a sarcastic tone] Here's your Goober Meal, sir.
Patrick: [points at the tray] Uh, I'm supposed to get a toy with this. [The toy gets thrown at his face] Thanks.

Repeated Quotes

  • SpongeBob: "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"
  • Patrick: "Oh, barnacles!"
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: "Aw, tartar sauce!"
  • Mr. Krabs: "Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!"
  • Mermaid Man: "EEEEVILLL!!!"
  • Patrick: "Aw, fish paste!"
  • Squidward: "How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?"
  • Fred: "My Leg!"

Unsorted Quotes

Patrick Star

  • "I defy you, Heart Man!"
  • "I am the lizard king!"
  • "But don't genius live in a lamp?"
  • "Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Don't start without me, SpongeBob!"
  • "The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma." (Patrick imagines a milk carton spilling over).
  • "Birthday Happy."
  • "Like my mom always said: 'If you can't think of anything to say something nice about someone, don't blow your nose into your hand.'"
  • "Who are you people?!"
  • (After waking up from sleep)"Whah?... Huh.... Whos' that?....zzZZZz"
  • "I got to put on my teeth and brush my pants."
  • SpongeBob:"Are you ready to go crazy?"
Patrick: "I'm already hearing voices!"
  • "(Squidward)Who eats a krabby patty at 3 a.m.!? (Patrick) [alarm clock rings] Oh boy 3 a.m.! [pulls out a krabby patty from underneath pillow and eats it]

Squidward Tentacles

  • "I can't stay out here, I got a life."
  • "That's it. I'm getting off the loony express."
  • "How am I supposed to enjoy your day off if you come to work anyway?!"
  • "Mr. Krabs, he (SpongeBob) is not normal!"
  • "Shut your half-wit pieholes!"
  • "Moron!"
  • "I think my heart just stopped."
  • "Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation."
  • "Why do I always have to be stuck with these idiots?"
  • "You know, there's something I've been wanting to say to you from the day we met: Goodbye."
  • "Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here."
  • "You call yourselves good neighbours? You're the worst neighbours ever!"
  • "Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?" (An inside joke about the length of many SpongeBob episodes)
  • "Would you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?"
  • "Another day, another migrane"
  • "Whatever.."
  • (surrounded by angry customers) "SpongeBob, if you don't feed these people, Mr. Krabs is going to fire the both of us!" (thinks and then smiles) "On second thought, keep 'em waiting."
  • "Where have you been?"
  • "Please come again, when I'm not working!"
  • "Why would anyone stay at a hotel in Bikini Bottom? It's in the middle of scenic nowhere. There's nothing to do but get stung by jellyfish. [he gets stung by a jellyfish] See?"
  • "I hate that, SpongeBob! Now get out of here and do not ruin the rest of my Sunday!"
  • "Never mind, Mr. Krabs."
  • "Did you just call me Squid-wort?"
  • Mr. Krabs: (to SpongeBob) "I'm afraid you don't work here anymore."
    Squidward: "PLEASE tell me this isn't a joke!"
  • Flying Dutchman: "Whosoever disturbs the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, will become members of his ghostly crew forever and ever."
    Squidward: "Will we be getting business cards?"
  • Woman: "I got this bucket at the Chum Bucket. Plankton's giving them free with every Krabby Patty."
    Squidward: "Chum Bucket? Free? Krabby Patty? Plankton? Giving? With?!!"
  • Cop: "Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!"
    Squidward: "Stay back! I've got gardening tools!"
  • Squidward: "I always thought the most important rule was don't do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow!" (laughs)
    Mr. Krabs: "What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?"
    Squidward: "Huh?"
  • Psychiatrist: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?"
    Squidward: "It all started when I was born."
  • Patrick and SpongeBob: "Hey Squidward! You want to join our club?"
    Squidward: "What are the requirements - besides being a moron?"
  • SpongeBob: "What could be better than serving up smiles?"
    Squidward: "Being dead...or anything else!"
  • SpongeBob: "Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and we'll defeat the Pink Menace!"
    Patrick: "That's me!"
    Squidward: "Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!"
  • Spongebob: You were right Squidward, fighting is for children.
    Squidward: No I mislead you! It's for adults too! Gimme that peace treaty! (rips up peace treaty)
    Spongebob: Uh, Squidward that wasn't the peace treaty, that was a copy of the peace treaty....

Sandy Cheeks

  • "There's something rotten in the Alamo."
  • "I'm gonna be all over you like ugly on an ape!"
  • "Don't lose your barnacles, boys."
  • "Something smells like rancid rodeo around here."
  • "I'm hotter than a hickory smoked sausage!"

Sandy: "Oh I'm Sandy alright, very sandy"
SpongeBob: "Oh, I see, that's her name and she's also covered in; yes!"

Sandy: "Hey SpongeBob! How're y'all doin'?"
SpongeBob: "Not too close, Sandy. I tend to get smelly when I'm pumping iron. Check it out!" [flexes]
Sandy: "Well, you're smelly."

Sandy: "Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a boat down underwater by its anchor]
SpongeBob: "You are."
Sandy: "And who put the (Hiyah! Hah! Huah!) 'K' in 'karate'?"
SpongeBob: (body is shaped like a "U") "You did."
Sandy: "And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?" (SpongeBob's backside reads, "Property of Sandy Cheeks")
SpongeBob: "You do."

Eugene Krabs

  • (catchphrase) "Hello, I'm Mr. Krabs, and I like money."
  • "SpongeBob! You're scaring away me money!"
  • "That's me money walking out the door!"
  • "Time is money, and if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money!...And that's just SICK!"
  • (doing a crossword puzzle) "Let's see...a five-letter word for 'happiness'...'Money'."(Laughs)
  • (catchphrase) "No free refills."
  • "Hello... may I take your money?"
  • "Not a customer in sight. If I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash."
  • "I've never felt such a strange combination of pity and indigestion."
  • "Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forehead!"
  • "What? Three dollars down from last month? I GOTTA RUN A TIGHTER SHIP AROUND HERE!"
  • "What's with all this change nonsense??"
  • "Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves!"
  • "Ah... the sweet smell of an all day's sucker."
  • "Well, little patty. We're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster." [eats patty] "Hmm...so THAT'S what I taste like."
  • "Ooh hoo hoo! Sweet wampum!"
  • "What have you done with me restaurant?!?"
  • (singing) "Counting me money. Money sweeter than honey. Money money this, money money that. Profit will make me wallet fat!"
  • "Money...money, money, money, money...Money!"
  • "There's gonna be some changes around here!"
  • "After all, money is the ultimate source of joy!"
  • "Boys! You're spending me money!"

(After selling Spongebob's soul to the Flying Dutchman)

  • "Look Squidward, money!"

Mr. Krabs: (to SpongeBob) "How about you go and catch me some of those 'money fish'?"
SpongeBob: "Oh boy, getting paid to jelly fish! That's my life's dream!"
Mr Krabs: "Well keep dreaming! This will be on your own time."

Mr. Krabs: "Believe me, boy. I know what its like to lose a friend."
SpongeBob: "Really, Mr. Krabs?"
Mr. Krabs: "I was five years old, me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother."
SpongeBob: "What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?"
Mr. Krabs: "Then one day, at the beach, (Starts to sob) IT WAS SO HOT...AND I WAS SO THIRSTY, I SPENT IT ON A SODAAA...UHHUHHUHHUH...MY BEST FRIEND!!!"

Squidward: [sighs]
Mr. Krabs: "Breathe on yer own time! I don't pay ya' ta breathe!"

Sandy: "I'll catch yer worm for ya, that is, if you be willin' to pay."
Mr. Krabs: "NO! You'll never get a cent out of me! Never! I'd rather that worm come in here right now and eat you all ALIVE!" [foams at the mouth]

  • There's nothin' on Earrrth, like the feelin' of green!
  • Squidward: Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?

Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

Sheldon J. Plankton

  • "I Win!"
  • "Everybody direct your attention to the Southwest corridor. Other way. (quietly) Imbeciles."
  • "Quake in fear, you mortal fools!"
  • "I went to college!"
  • "Ouch."
  • "Now it's time for my well thought-out and college educated plan!"
  • "Gee, and I thought you were stupid."
  • "Evil Plan Z is working perfectly! Nothing can stop me now!!"
  • [Talking about plan Z] "It's evil! It's diabolical! [sniffs envelope] I'ts lemon scented!"
  • "But I don’t understand. You have the grill and the spatula and the comfy chair. I rubbed your putrid feet!"
  • "I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny... because it is an ordinary penny!"
  • "A booster seat, hot dog! I mean no!"
  • "Just look at him. Square... the shape of evil!!"
  • "This is my Lab! (Labrador dog barks) And this is my laboratory!"
  • "Stupid brain! Come back here, you swine!"
  • "I will rule the world!" (chokes)
  • "Being evil is too much fun!"
  • "Nice guys finish last! Only aggressive people conquer the world!"
  • "Wait, come back! It's a lie! Therapy doesn't really work!"
  • [talking from SpongeBob's mouth]"Surrender that ice cream cone or every waking moment for you will become a swirling torrent of pain and misery."

Plankton:(being arrested) "Come on, I was just kidding."
[A policeman lifts him with a shovel and throws him in a very tiny police car, labeled “Institution For The Criminally Tiny”]
Plankton:"Come on, you guys knew that, didn’t you? With the helmets and the big monuments? Wasn’t that hilarious, everybody?"
(Truck drives off)
Plankton: "I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!!!"

Mr. Krabs: "What's that smell in the air? ...I smell...PLANKTON!"
Plankton:"Oh yeah? Well I smell...[sniffs his armpit]...phew, he's RIGHT!"

SpongeBob: [Entering the Chum Bucket] "Hey, there's no one here."
Plankton: "Don't remind me."

Plankton: "See how much better life is...when you're maniacal!
SpongeBob: "Uh, I thought it was called assertiveness."
Plankton: "Whatever."

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy

Barnacle Boy: "Will you stop calling me 'boy?'"
Mermaid Man: What's that? What did he say? (said in the SpongeBob SquarePants T.V. Show)
Mermaid Man: Get your hands off me, woman! (to Barnacle Boy)
  • BARNACLE BOY- (became evil) Ha, ha, ha! Nighty-night, you ol' goot!
  • MERMAID MAN- Uh, nighty-night. Will you tuck me in?
  • Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Unite!

External links

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