Sports

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In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
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Said of sports in general

"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard for all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence: in other words it is war minus the shooting." -- George Orwell, in Collected Essays.


"If all the year were playing holidays; to sport would be as tedious as work;" - William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part I, Act I, Scene II

Baseball

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MANAGERS

Walt Alston[1]

  • "Look at misfortune the same way you look at success - Don't Panic! Do your best and forget the consequences."

Sparky Anderson[2]

  • "Baseball is a simple game. If you have good players and if you keep them in the right frame of mind then the manager is a success."
  • "He's (Jose Canseco[3]) built like a Greek goddess."
  • "I can't believe they pay us to play baseball - something we did for free as kids."
  • "I don't know why the players make such a big fuss about sitting in the first class section of the plane. Does that mean they'll get there faster?"
  • "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win—unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
  • "If I ever find a pitcher who has heat, a good curve, and a slider, I might seriously consider marrying him, or at least proposing."
  • "If I hear Bowie Kuhn[4] say just once more he's doing something for the betterment of baseball, I'm going to throw-up."
  • "I only had a high school education and believe me, I had to cheat to get that."
  • "Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings."
  • "People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete in the present. I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There's no future in it."
  • "Players have two things to do. Play and keep their mouths shut."
  • "Problem with (John) Wockenfuss[5] getting on base is that it takes three doubles to score him."
  • "The only reason I'm coming out here tomorrow is the schedule says I have to."
  • "You give us the pitching some of these clubs have and no one could touch us, but God has a way of not arranging that, because it's not as much fun."

Alvin Dark[6]

  • "Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a communist."
  • "Every player should be accorded the privilege of at least one season with the Chicago Cubs[7]. That's baseball as it should be played - in God's own sunshine. And that's really living."
  • "Friendships are forgotten when the game begins."
  • "The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters."
  • "There are surprisingly few real students of the game in baseball; partly because everybody, my eighty-three year old grandmother included, thinks they learned all there was to know about it at puberty. Baseball is very beguiling that way."

Leo Durocher[8]

  • "As long as I've got a chance to beat you I'm going to take it."
  • "God watches over drunks and third baseman."
  • "I don't care if the guy (Jackie Robinson[9]) is yellow or black, or if he has stripes like a god-damn zebra. I'm the manager of this team and I say he plays."
  • "If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, 'Sorry, Mom,' but nobody beats me."
  • "If you don't win, you're going to be fired. If you do win, you've only put off the day you're going to be fired."
  • "I made a game effort to argue but two things were against me: the umpires and the rules."
  • "I never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes."
  • "In the olden days, the umpire didn't have to take any courses in mind reading. The pitcher told you he was going to throw at you."
  • "Luck? If the roof fell in and Diz (Dean)[10] was sitting in the middle of the room, everybody else would be buried and a gumdrop would fall in his mouth."
  • "Show me a good loser in professional sports, and I'll show you an idiot."
  • "What are we out at the park for, except to win?"
  • "Win any way you can as long as you can get away with it."
  • "You argue with the umpire because there is nothing else you can do about it."
  • "You don't save a pitcher for tomorrow. Tomorrow it may rain."

Whitey Herzog[11]

  • "Baseball has been good to me since I quit trying to play it."
  • "If you don't have outstanding relief pitching, you might as well piss on the fire and call the dogs."
  • "I'm not buddy-buddy with the players. If they need a buddy, let them buy a dog."
  • "The only thing bad about winning the pennant is that you have to manage the All-Star Game the next year. I'd rather go fishing for three days."
  • "The only way to make money as a manager is to win in one place, get fired and hired somewhere else."
  • "We need just two players to be a contender. Just Babe Ruth[12] and Sandy Koufax[13]."
  • "We need three kinds of pitching: left handed, right handed, and relief."

Miller Huggins[14]

  • "A good catcher is the quarterback, the carburetor, the lead dog, the pulse taker, the traffic cop and sometimes a lot of unprintable things, but no team gets very far without one."
  • "A manager has his cards dealt to him and he must play them."

Tommy Lasorda[15]

  • "About the only problem with success is that it does not teach you how to deal with failure."
  • "All last year we tried to teach him (Fernando Valenzuela[16]) English, and the only word he learned was million."
  • "Baseball is like driving, it's the one who gets home safely that counts."
  • "Guys ask me, don't I get burned out? How can you get burned out doing something you love? I ask you, have you ever got tired of kissing a pretty girl?"
  • "He (Darryl Strawberry[17]) is not a dog; a dog is loyal and runs after balls."
  • "I love doubleheaders. That way I get to keep my uniform on longer."
  • "I walk into the clubhouse and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol and by the seventh inning he had drunk it all."
  • "No, we don't cheat. And even if we did, I'd never tell you."
  • "When we win, I'm so happy I eat a lot. When we lose, I'm so depressed, I eat a lot. When we're rained out, I'm so disappointed I eat a lot."

Connie Mack[18]

  • "Any minute, any day, some players may break a long standing record. That's one of the fascinations about the game, the unexpected surprises."
  • "Humanity is the keystone that holds nations and men together. When that collapses, the whole structure crumbles. This is as true of baseball teams as any other pursuit in life."
  • "I guess more players lick themselves that are ever licked by an opposing team. The first thing any man has to know is how to handle himself."
  • "No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball."
  • "You can't win them all."
  • "You're born with two strikes against you, so don't take a third one on your own."

Cycling

  • Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
  • It never gets easier; you just go faster.
  • Strange people, bike riders. They imagine a racing bike is made for going quickly. They're wrong. A racing bike is made solely for winning races.
    • Jacques Anquetil

Football (American)

  • "Playoffs? You want to talk about playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game...another game."
  • "You play to win the game!"
  • "Where else would you rather be than right here right now?"

Football (Soccer)

Managers/coaches

ARSENE WENGER 'Of the nine red cards this season we probably deserved half of them.'

'As long as no-one scored, it was always going to be close'

BOBBY GOULD 'We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day'

BOBBY ROBSON 'In a year's time, he's a year older.'

'Eighteen months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like.'

"Look at those olive trees. They're two hundred years old - from before the time of Christ!"

"Andy O'Brien has an horrendous nose, the poor lad. It is massive, it is."

BRYAN ROBSON 'We're going to start the game at nil-nil and go out and try to get some goals.'

Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992. "I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"

DAVID O'LEARY 'I was a young lad when I was growing up.'

GEORGE GRAHAM 'The one thing I didn't expect is the way we didn't play.'

GERARD HOULLIER 'Too many players were trying to score or create a goal.'

'You can't say my team aren't winners. They've proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the last three years.'

GLEN HODDLE 'When a player gets to 30, so does his body.'

GRAEME SOUNESS 'Today's top players only want to play in London or for Manchester United. That's what happened when I tried to sign Alan Shearer and he went to Blackburn.'

GRAHAM TAYLOR 'It's a game we've got to win. It's also a game we've not got to lose.'

HOWARD WILKINS 'If they hadn't scored, we would've won'

HOWARD WILKINSON 'I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win.' -

HARRY REDKNAPP 'Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper.'

JACK CHARLTON 'If in winning we only draw we would be fine.'

'We probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden, some of whom are not even European.'

JOE ROYLE 'Our goalkeeper didn?t have a save to make in 90 minutes, and yet he still ended up conceding four goals'

JOHN LAMBIE, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was. "That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."

JOHN TOSHACK 'Winning all the time is not necessarily good for the team.'

MALCOLM ALLISON 'A lot of hard work went into this defeat.'

RON GREENWOOD 'Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales.'

TERRY VENABLES "The mere fact that he's injured stops him getting injured again, if you know what I mean' -

NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning. "Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."


Players

DAVID BECKHAM "We want Brooklyn to be christened but we don't know into what religion yet."

"I always used to go for blond and quiet girls, but Victoria is the total opposite - dark and loud."

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."

Beckham's reply after being asked if he thought that he was a volatile player, "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side."

IAN RUSH 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'

MICHAEL OWEN 'I was alone up front, with Danny Murphy playing between me, myself and the midfield.'

NORMAN WHITESIDE "The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place... play for the same club... and were discovered by the same man."

SANDER WESTERVELD "I dreamt of playing for a club like Manchester United, and now here I am at Liverpool.' -

THIERRY HENRY "Sometimes in football you have to score goals."

ALLEN IVERSON "I mean listen, we're sitting here talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we're talking about practice."

ROBERT "DANNY" BLANCHFLOWER "The point of football is to equalize before the other team scores."

LARRY JOHNSON "You play to win the game! That's right...You play to win the game.

Miscellaneous

  • "Win together today, and we walk together forever" ~ Fred Shero before the Philadelphia Flyers won their first cup - written on a board
  • "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." ~ Dave Barry
  • "I know everything there is to know about hitting. I don't know anything there is to know about living." ~ Darryl Strawberry
  • "Minimum effort, maximum efficiency" ~ Carlos Gracie Jr., referring to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu


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