Sports Night

From Quotes
Love means the body, the soul, the life, the entire being. We feel love as we feel the warmth of our blood, we breathe love as we breathe air, we hold it in ourselves as we hold our thoughts. Nothing more exists for us.
Guy De Maupassant
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Sports Night (1998-2000) was an American television series, written and created by Aaron Sorkin, about a fictional sports news show.

Contents

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Casey: Here's something I don't understand about rugby...
Dan: Whoa. You DO understand about rugby?
Casey: I played rugby, alright? Now I wanna ask you a question...
Dan: Wait, wait, WHEN have you played rugby?
Casey: When I was in college, I played co-ed rugby.
Dan: [laughing] You did not play rugby.

Casey: You wanna do something tonight after the show?
Dan: Yeah, y'know, I was gonna hop a ride on the Staten Island ferry for awhile, eat a hotdog. You wanna come?
Casey: Yeah, absolutely, and I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's seventeen degrees outside with the wind chill so what I want to do is stand on a boat in the middle of New York harbor at half-past midnight.
Dan: You have a better idea?
Casey: Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them.

Dana: What are your favorite sports?
Jeremy: I beg your pardon?
Dana: Where are you strongest?
Jeremy: Oh, football.
Dana: Great, let's talk about basketball.
Jeremy: I said football.
Dana: I heard you. Let's talk about basketball.
Jeremy: Ah, we could talk about baseball or hockey.
Dana: You're pretty strong in baseball and hockey, are you?
Jeremy: Not as strong as football, but...
Dana: Great, let's talk about the Knicks.
Jeremy: I walked right into that one, didn't I.
Dana: Well, I left the door wide open for you.
Natalie: Shot of bourbon?
Jeremy: Please.
Dana: Sit. I'm sorry, that was harsh, I hurt your feelings. Name three things the Knicks need to do this season, to make it to the finals.
Jeremy: I couldn't get another question?
Dana: You will. But not till I get an answer to the first one.
Jeremy: What do the Knicks...
Dana: Three things the Knicks need to do to contend.
Jeremy: Ms. Whitaker, I'd be great at this job. You gotta believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and there wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every paper that's written in English and has a sports section and I have seen Sports Night every night since your first broadcast, two years, two months, and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and I can tell you that you're not gonna stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket, and put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinly sophisticated analysis, AND I SENSE THAT YOU ARE, you gotta give me some time. At least 20 minutes. Did that make any sense?
Dana: I wasn't really listening.
Jeremy: Oh God.
Dana: Jeremy, Jeremy. This is television, things happen. If you wanna work here you gotta not spontaneously wig out.
Natalie: Not till an hour before airtime.
Jeremy: Right. Right. The Knicks.
Dana: Name three things!
Jeremy: Improve their free-throw percentage.
Natalie: Yes.
Jeremy: Run the floor.
Dana: OK, one more.
Jeremy: Tell Spike Lee to sit down and shut up?
Natalie: Excellent!
Dana: Welcome to Sports Night.

Casey: Listen, I need you to take 30 seconds off the NFL injury report and give it to me for the intro on ACC recruiting violations.
Dana: Fine.
Casey: Thanks.
Dana: You're screwing up my show, Casey.
Casey: Keep the 30 seconds.
Dana: That's not what I mean.
Casey: I know, I was joking.
Dana: I know you were joking.
Casey: I could tell by the way you didn't laugh at all when I said it.
Dana: That's cause I'm mad at you and also because it wasn't that funny.

Casey: 32 points. It was a career high. Then he sends a guy to the hostpital with 14 stitches. Can you imagine if he'd had a lousy game?
Dan: You come in early?
Casey: I came in early.
Dan: You slept in the office?
Casey: I came in early.
Dan: You came in yesterday.
Casey: Mom.

[Dan is going over the script and raises his hand]
Dan: Ah, excuse me!?
Dana: Dan's got his hand raised.
Dan: Why are we quoting high level sources inside the Swiss Olympic Committee on Helsinki's bid for the 2010 Olympics?
Dana: What's the problem?
Dan: Helsinki's in Finland.
Dana: Really?
Dan: Don't worry, I got it.
Dana: Are you sure?
Dan: Am I sure that Helsinki's in Finland? Yeah. I'm quite sure.
Chris: I thought it was in Sweden.
Will: It says unnamed Swiss olympic officials.
Natalie: Graphics! Which is it -- Sweden or Switzerland?
Casey: It's in Finland!
Natalie: Elliot! Get something up for us on the net.
Elliot: What do you need?
Natalie: We think Helsinki might be in Finland.
Dan: Yeah. We think there's a pretty good chance.
Counter: Coming in live in 15.
Dana: We'll change it on the teleprompter.
Dan: Cool.
Counter: In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Dan: [on camera] Good evening everybody. From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall, those stories and more plus we'll take you live to the locker room at Arrowhead.
Casey: All that coming up after this. You're watching Sports Night on CSC so stick around.
Counter: We're out. Up in 60.
Elliot: Yeah. Finland. The national bird is the Whooping Swan.
Casey and Dan: Thank you.

Natalie: [yelling into the microphone] CASEY! DID YOU GET THE CHANGE ON ARROWHEAD AND DENVER?
Casey: Natalie, if you shout into a microphone when I'm wearing an earpiece it poses the question, is there a decibel level at which the human head will just, y'know, explode?
Isaac: [to Dana] Is he in a better mood than he was this morning or is this gonna be another crappy show?
Dana: [into the microphone] Hey Casey, Isaac just wants to know if you're in a better mood...
Casey: Shut up.
Dana: Pretty crappy, yeah.

J.J.: I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.
Dan: What’s your point?
J.J.: My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.
Dan: I’m not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that’s what you’re asking me, OK?
J.J.: Who will you do the show with?
Dan: I'll do the show with Casey.
J.J.: You've got a very big future at this network, Dan--
Dan: My future is writing and anchoring a sports program with my partner, Casey McCall. Now if it's here, it's here. If it's not, it is somewhere else. For right now, I'm going to forget this conversation ever took place.

Casey: They're gonna cut Santori.
Natalie: The place kicker?
Casey: He's made eight field goal attempts in three games and has connected with a grand total of none of them.
Elliot: Oh, I've met him, he's a good guy.
Casey: He can't kick.
Natalie: He is a good guy.
Casey: He can't kick.
Natalie: He'll get picked up by another team.
Casey: No, he won't. You know why?
Elliott: Why?
Casey: 'Cause he can't kick.

The Apology [1.02]

Dana: Hey, look everybody. It's two sports anchors, and that's a good break for us, because we're about to do a sports show.
Casey: Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.

Dana: I need to talk to you.
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.

Elliot: Toby Bennes has a no-hitter going in the 7th.
Dana: Put Bennes in the teaser. If he takes it to the 9th we'll patch it in on 1.
Jeremy: We shouldn't put it in the tease.
Dana: Why not?
Jeremy: It's bad luck.
Dana: What's bad luck?
Jeremy: To talk about a no-hitter.
Dana: It's bad luck for the pitcher?
Jeremy: Yes.
Dana: We don't work for the pitcher.
Jeremy: That puts us in a hell of a dilemna.
Dana: Actually, I'm fine.

Jeremy: About teasing the no-hitter. It was a tough call and even though I don't agree with the decision, I have a lot of respect for you for making it.
Elliot: Bennes just lost the no-hitter.
Jeremy: Don't blame yourself.
Dana: Thank you.

Dan: Actions are immoral. Opinions are not. And I won't apologize for mine. Discussion is good, and for those of us fortunate enough to be the subject of magazine articles, it may be our responsibility from time to time to try and raise the level of debate.

Dan: I have a younger brother named Sam. Sam's a genius. I mean, literally. As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought with money he earned tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead. Because when you're fourteen years old, all you ever really want to be is your sixteen year old brother. And in my case, that meant smoking a lot of dope. The day I went off to college was the day Sam got his driver's license. And he celebrated by going for a drive with some of his friends. Drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran. And he probably never saw the eighteen-wheel truck that put him into the side of a brick bank, either. [long pause] That was eleven years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say... I'm sorry, Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize.

Casey: Hey, Isaac?
Isaac: Yeah?
Casey: You think I'm cool, right?
Isaac: Do I look like I'm in the mood to do this now?
Casey: Not really.
Isaac: Then let's assume I'm not.

Casey: Ugh... How can I be cool again? I'm a newly divorced man, I'm young, I used to be cool, I need to be cool again. Help me... be cool again.
Dan: (pause) Well, first I would have to disabuse you of the notion that you were ever cool before.

The Hungry and the Hunted [1.03]

Dan: Newport's gonna put up a challenge, New Zealand and Australia each have new keels and Japan's looking for an American tactician, maybe even a whole afterguard. Now, interestingly, Italy has developed a new hundred-and-forty percent Genoa but the I.O.R.C. says it may not meet specs because of a bolt in the backstay.
Dana: Honest to God, I have no idea what sport you're talking about.
Casey: Dan's talking about the rough-and-tumble, live-on-the-razor's-edge, run-till-you-drop, never-say-die world of offshore yacht racing.
Kim: Time for the America's Cup?
Dan: We're only a year and half away.
Dana: I don't want to get scooped, but we can probably postpone our coverage for, I guess, like a year and a half, can't we?
Dan: Greatest sport in the world, Dana. Greatest sport. Great for kids.
Natalie: All you need is forty million dollars and a dream.

Isaac: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

Dan: I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky. To the flung spume and the blown spray and the... I don't know, the thing in my eye."
Dana: Thank you.
Dan: That was a poem by Mr. Henry David Thoreau.
Casey: It's Wordsworth.
Dan: Or Wordsworth.
Elliot: Uh, might be Whitman.
Kim: Might be Byron.
Dan: It's not Byron.
Casey: I think it is Whitman.
Dana:Okay--
Isaac: It's not Whitman.
Casey: I think it is.
Isaac: It's not Walt Whitman.
Casey: I'm sayin' I think it's Slim Whitman.
Dana: Fellas, we have ten NHL games, eight NBA, two of them on the West Coast so let's stay in business on thirty thru fifty. Edmonton's at Calgary and we'll pick it up on the two a.m.
Dan: Can I say something?
Dana: Sure.
Dan: There's a chance it might be Dylan Thomas.
Dana: You have to imagine, Danny, how much I don't give a damn about blown spume.
Dan: It's flung spume and blown spray, but actually I like your way better.
Note: The actual poem in question was written by John Masefield (Wikipedia)

Casey: How many people can you think of named Gordon?
Dan: How many people can I think of named Gordon?
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: Two.
Casey: That's how many I got. Which were your two?
Dan: Gordon Lightfoot and Gordon Liddy.
Casey: Those were my two. Those were the exact same two that I got. Can you think of any more?
Dave: (on PA) We're live in 60 seconds. Roll VTR.
Dan: Can somebody help me please?
Casey: They can't hear you in there.
Dan: Great.
Casey: Can you think of any more?
Dan: No.
Casey: Neither can I.
Dan: Good.
Casey: And it's my feeling that if those are the only two you got, and those are the only two I got, those should be the only two there are.
Dan: Granting the premise.
Casey: And you should.
Dan: I am.
Casey: You should grant the premise, Danny.
Dan: I do.
Dave: Thirty seconds.
Casey: Cause we're two pretty well-educated people and we both thought about it and we both came up with only two Gordons.
Dan: I'm granting the damn premise.
Casey: You should.

Dan: I got to tell you, at this point the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.

Casey: [Reading invitation] “October eighth, nineteen-hundred and ninety-eight A.D.” A.D. They’re worried I might accidentally show up 2000 years before the birth of Christ.

Isaac: He’s going to go for it.
Casey: He's gonna kick the field goal.
Isaac: Nah, he's gonna go for the first down.
Casey: They gotta score twice to win, why not just get three right now? He's got the wind at his back.
Isaac: He doesn't have the leg.
Casey: He's got the wind at his back.
Isaac: I don't care if he's got the wind at his back and a song in his heart, he doesn't have the leg.
Casey: You're a crazy man from St. Louis, you have no business being in sports.
Isaac: Jeremy
Jeremy: Yes sir.
Isaac: Florida State fourth and two on the Purdue 39 and down by nine. What's Bowden gonna do, kick or play?
Jeremy: I really don't know.
Isaac: I'm asking what you think.
Jeremy: It'd just be a guess.
Isaac: I want you to guess.
Jeremy:I don't like to guess.
Isaac: Guess anyway.
Jeremy: Why?
Isaac: Because it's fun. This job should be fun.
Jeremy: I'm having fun.
Isaac: You should have more.
Jeremy: I'm having a lot of fun.
Isaac: Jeremy
Jeremy:I'm having tons of fun.
Isaac:Guess.
Jeremy:I don't know... He's probably gonna split three wide receivers and put a tight end in the back field with the tailback in motion. A play-action fake'll freeze the strong safety and Kittis'll find his primary receiver over the middle. It's a play called Red Rocket Right, Slant-42, Z-Out. He'll get the first down and probably a lot more.
Isaac:What're you insane?
Casey:They're not kicking.
Announcer #1:Kittis lines up under center with three wide receivers split and the tight end in the backfield. Tailback in motion, the play action fake and Kittis has Renfro over the middle for the first down and more! First and ten Florida State on the 16. Incredible.
Announcer #2: That's a play coach Bowden's got called Red Rocket Right, Slant-42, Z-Out.
Isaac: You take a lot of the fun out of this, Jeremy.

Jeremy: We shot a deer. In the woods near Lake Mattatuck on the second day. There was a special vest they had me wear so that they could distinguish me from things they wanted to shoot, and I was pretty grateful for that. Almost the whole day had gone by, we hadn't gotten anything. Eddie was getting frustrated, and Bob Shoemaker was getting embarrassed. My camera guy needed to reload, so I told everybody to take a 10-minute break. There was a stream nearby, and I walked over with this care package Natalie made me. I sat down, and when I looked up I saw three of them: small, bigger, biggest. Recognizable to any species on the face of the planet as a child, a mother, and a father. Now, the trick in shooting deer is you gotta get ’em out in the open. And it’s tough with deer, ’cause these are clever, cagey animals with an intuitive sense of danger. You know what you have to do to get a deer out in the open? You hold out a Twinkie. That animal clopped up to me like we were at a party. She seemed to be pretty interested in the Twinkie, so I gave it to her. Looking back, she'd have been better off if I’d given her the damn vest. And Bob kind of screamed at me in whisper, 'Move away!' The camera had been reloaded, and it looked like the day wasn’t gonna be a washout after all. So I backed away, a couple of steps at a time, and closed my eyes when I heard the shot. Look, I know these are animals, and they don’t play bridge and go to the prom, but you can’t tell me that the little one didn’t know who his mother was. That’s gotta mean something. And later, at the hospital, Bob Shoemaker was telling me about the nobility and tradition of hunting and how it related to the Native American Indians. And I nodded, and I said that was interesting, while I was thinking about what a load of crap it was. Hunting was part of Indian culture. It was food and it was clothes and it was shelter. They sang and danced and offered prayers to the gods for a successful hunt so that they could survive just one more unimaginably brutal winter. The things they had to kill held the highest place of respect for them, and to kill for fun was a sin. And they knew the gods wouldn’t be so generous next time. What we did wasn’t food, and it wasn’t shelter, and it sure wasn’t sports. It was just mean.

Intellectual Property [1.04]

Mallory: During your broadcast on September 5th you sang Happy Birthday to your partner, Casey McCall?
Dan: Yeah, but I can explain that it... wait, but it was his birthday, why do I have to explain that?
Mallory: You sang Happy Birthday on the air?
Dan: Dana cleared it.
Mallory: Who’s Dana?
Dan: Dana Whitaker’s the producer of the show.
Mallory: Oh, well yes, but my predecessor didn’t clear it.
Dan: Who’s your predecessor?
Mallory: Marty Shinebaum.
Dan: Who’s Marty Shinebaum?
Mallory: My predecessor.
Dan: Look, I don’t have a whole lot of time…
Mallory: Listen, I think it’s sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it’s vaguely gay, but I disagree.
Dan: Thank you.
Mallory: Nonetheless, you can’t do it anymore.
Dan: Why not?
Mallory: It’s against the law.
Dan: It’s against the law to be vaguely gay?
Mallory: It’s against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television.
Dan: That doesn’t sound quite right to me.
Mallory: It is.
Dan: You went to law school and everything, right?
Mallory: Yeah.
Dan: You took the bar?
Mallory: Three times.
Dan: It’s against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television?
Mallory: Federal copyright law.
Dan: Happy Birthday is protected material?
Mallory: Yes.
Dan: Who holds the copyright to Happy Birthday?
Mallory: The representatives of Mildred and Patty Hill.
Dan: Mildred and Patty Hill?
Mallory: The authors.
Dan: The authors.
Mallory: They wrote it.
Dan: They wrote the song?
Mallory: Did you think that song just happened?
Dan: Well, yeah.
Mallory: It didn’t.
Dan: Live and learn.
Mallory: Yes, indeed.
Dan: Would they be happy with an autographed hat?
Mallory: Yes, they would.
Dan: Great.
Mallory: Along with 2,500 dollars.
Dan: I’m sorry?
Mallory: They’ve billed the network 2,500 dollars.
Dan: Twenty-five hundred dollars to sing Happy Birthday?
Mallory: Yes.
Dan: Ouch.
Mallory: Intellectual property, dual morale, fair use, royalty structure. These things may not mean anything to you, but I assure you they mean a great deal to me and they meant a great deal to my predecessor.
Dan: Marty Shinebaum.
Mallory: Marty Shinebaum.
Dan: You know what? From now on I am only singing songs in the public domain.
Mallory: That’ll teach ‘em.
Dan: I’m not kidding.
Mallory: Go knock ‘em dead.

Natalie: I think the way you’re handling the Casey situation is very good.
Dana: The Casey Situation?
Natalie: I’m calling it the Casey Situation.
Dana: It’s not a situation.
Natalie: It’s a bit of a situation.
Dana: It’s not at all a situation.
Natalie: I’ve already named it.

Natalie: Has anybody else noticed that Casey’s been flinching a lot tonight?
Kim: He’s been doing it for a couple of nights.
Dana: Flinching?
Chris: Like a tick.
Will: It’s a flinch.
Dana: Casey, why are you flinching?
Casey: I’m not flinching.
Dana: Not now, but before.
Chris: More like a tick.
Will: It’s a flinch.
Dana: A flinch, or a tick. What’s going on?
Casey: There’s a fly in the studio.
Dana: A fly?
Casey: Yeah, it’s a big one. He’s been in here about 3 days now.
Dana: Dave, there’s a fly in the studio?
Dave: I’m not seeing it.
Dana: Casey says there’s a fly.
Dave: Is there a fly in our studio?
Chris: I’m not hearing anything.
Dave: There ain’t no fly.
Dana: Casey, there’s no fly.
Casey: Dana, there is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle, and every time he buzzes my head in a fly-by it’s like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert. You’re not picking this up?
Dana: Dan, is there a fly in the studio?
Dan: Let him work through it.

Casey: Tanana, who obviously can't see see the endzone marker under the virgin snow, breaks into his touchdown dance on the 10 yard line, only to be given a geography lesson by linebacker Marvin Watkins. That's an incredibly embarassing moment for any professional athlete, so when we come back we're going to show it to you a couple of more times, if only so that I can keep saying 'virgin snow.'

Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, 'Natalie's got a good idea.'
Natalie: But you also find yourself saying 'Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire.'
Dana: That's true too, and yet it's the good idea thing that I'm focusing on right now.

Dana: What was the last good idea you had?
Natalie: When I got up this morning I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
Dana: That's what I mean.

Dan: Hey, Dana, I was seeing that you got a birthday coming up, and I was wondering how you feel about 'Oh 'Dem Golden Slippers?'

Dana: Every time your life starts to spin out of control you come after me, and you make me feel like you feel a certain way when you really don't. You did in college, you did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A. and you're doing it now. I don't think you're cute, I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're smart, and sometimes I don't think you're very nice.
Casey: You don't think I'm funny?!
Dana: I'm leaving now.
Casey: I apologize for nothing. Well, that's not true, I apologize for some things, but not a lot of things. A few things. Several things. I apologize for about half the things.

Mary Pat Shelby [1.05]

Dana: Danny!
Dan: Dana?
Dana: How much do you love me?
Dan: I want to grow a goatee
Dana: Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?
Dan: I think it would look good.
Dana: I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?
Dan: A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.

Casey: Hey, you want to get involved with this?
Dan: I so don’t.
Dana: [leaving] Thank you.
Casey: Didn’t you used to care about these things? And it wasn’t that long ago that you did.
Dan: No.
Casey: I mean, it was like yesterday.
Dan: Right.
Casey: Now, when I say yesterday, I’m not speaking metaphorically. It was yesterday! What happened to your values?
Dan: I find that maintaining them is a lot of work. I take a day off now and then.
Casey: You take a vacation from doing the right thing?
Dan: Yeah. I don’t loot store fronts or anything, but once in a while, when I consider the effort it takes to diligently adhere to a moral compass I take myself out of the lineup and I rest for the next game.
Casey: I swear, you could run for congress and win.
Dan: Not if I grow a goatee.
Casey: Yeah, that’s true.

Bill: This is a third place show on a fourth rate network.
Dan: Yeah, but that’s all gonna change once I grow a goatee.
Casey: He’s just crazy enough to do it.

Dana: Something was better than nothing, and we needed this!
Casey: Yeah, and Patrick's people need to show that their guy can still sell sneakers and soda. And when the whole thing's over, we hop in the shower and they leave the money on the nighttable. Plus, we get to show Mary Pat Shelby that unless she can catch 80 passes in a season, the world could honestly give a damn about her concussion and broken jaw.

Dana: Despite a mountain of fairly immutable evidence, I'm prepared to believe that what happened to Natalie, DIDN'T happen to Natalie, and I'm confident I can persuade Natalie to see it the same way.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Dana: Mary Pat Shelby.

Natalie: You remember how much you wanted to play professional football when you were a kid?
Christian Patrick: Yeah.
Natalie: That's how much I wanted to be a sports reporter. I was just there doing my job. But tomorrow, the sky's gonna fall down on both of us. 'Cause as soon as my show comes down at midnight, I'm going over to the 23rd Precinct and I'm swearing out a warrant for your arrest.

The Head Coach, Dinner and the Morning Mail [1.06]

Dan: Next up, Steve Dentan looks for a new gig, the Hawks defend a streak, and we answer the question: How much chuck could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Dan: Make it someplace that you like. Restaurants - they don't impress women as much as we think they do, and food always tastes good on the first date. You're not in Vegas, and you're not in L.A. - you are in the most magnificent city in the world - it's the city of Gershwin and Cole Porter, Damon Runyon and Fiorello LaGuardia. Surprise her, but make her feel comfortable. Make it different, but make her feel at home. But mostly, make it someplace that you like.

Gordon: Oh, by the way, for what it's worth, I'm right with you on this Rostenkowski thing.
Casey: Thank you.
Gordon: It was a terrible call.
Casey: Lost the game.
Gordon: I don't know how he made that call. Any idiot knows you hand it to Jermaine, you send him up the middle.
Casey: Yeah -- well, you're not gonna go up the middle against an 8-man front, but still...
Gordon: Oh, still, maybe you run a play-action fake, you toss it off to the tight end out in the flat.
Casey: The problem with that is that without establishing a running game first, no one's gonna bite down on the play fake.
Gordon: Oh, but still.
Casey: Still...
Gordon: A post pattern, a slant...
Casey: He'd be going against a defensive back who was second-team All-American as a true freshman.
Gordon: What would you have called?
Casey: Me?
Gordon: Yeah.
Casey: The thing is, I haven't watched film all week. I haven't seen scouting reports. I don't have an offensive coordinator talking in my ear. I don't have 80,000 fans screaming in my face. So it's easy for me -- I don't have 10 million people watching at home on TV, including a pack of rabid alumni. I've had three days to think about it. He had seven seconds. So it's a lot easier for me to make that decision than it was for him. But since you asked me what play I would have called, I'll tell you. Now that I think about it, I have no idea.

Jeremy: This is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.
Dana: Absolutely.
Jeremy: What is it?
Dana: Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

[Casey is reading fan mail]
Casey: You're my favorite sports anchor ever! I never used to like sports, but you've so gotten me into it! Maybe because you're totally hot! Look me up, Tracy Devareaux, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
Kim: You made that up.
Casey: (shows her the letter) What's that say?
Kim: It's addressed to Dan.

Casey: How am I conversationally anal-retentive?
Dana: Let me answer that question in four parts, with the fourth part first and the third part last. The second part has five subjects--
Casey: All right, all right.

Dear Louise [1.07]

Casey: Dana, I work in a bottom-line business. You win or you lose, and Deputy Gordon lost.
Dana: Please don't call him "Deputy Gordon."
Casey: He hasn't made deputy?

Casey: Listen, Dana told me you were a little down about the verdict in your trial. So, I just wanted you to know that I'm not do any jokes. I'm not gonna give you a hard time.
Gordon: I appreciate it.
Casey: So, this party at Gracie Mansion must be goin' pretty late.
Gordon: We'll catch the tail end of it.
Casey: Do you think the mayor's going to chew you out for so spectacularly blundering the case?
Gordon: I don't acually work for the mayor. I work for the US Department of Justice.
Casey: And a hulluva year you guys have been having.
Gordon: You know, Casey, I'm not going to deny this hasn't been my finest hour, but there's really nothing you can say that's going to rattle me. I'm just happy to be here, happy to be talkin to you, and happy to be having sex with Dana every night.
Casey: You know [long pause] it really wasn't my intention to discuss any Dana-related matters. I was just reading this New York Times piece on the forensic evidence, the ballistics match, the eye-witnesses, and the 78 hours worth of wire-taps, a portion of which included the defendant saying "I killed him, I killed him, I killed him dead", and was wondering what a fella has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch?
Gordon: How bout I run you through an IRS audit and we find out?
Casey: You've got nothing on me counselor. I live my life as clean as my mother's kitchen floor.
Gordon: Is that your name up there on a Monday Night Football office pool?
Casey: Yeah.
Gordon: Are you farmilar with federal section code 4 of the RICO act?
Casey: No.
Gordon: Then before I decide to subpoena your whole family, why don't you go write your television show and leave the smarty-boy remarks to those of us with post-graduate degrees?
Casey: OK.

Elliot: How's the writer's block?
Dan: You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.
Kim: What's wrong with it?
Dan: It's in several pieces on my floor.

Dan: And I wanna ask for your patience and support during this period.
[Natalie splashes a glass of water in Dan's face]
Dan: OK. Why did that happen?
Natalie: Shock therapy.
Dan: Shock therapy.
Natalie: Leave this to me. I'm gonna knock the writer's block right outa you.
Dan: By throwing water in my face?
Natalie: By surprising you with the unexpected. That was step 1. There's not gonna be any more water.
Dan: What's step 2?
[Natalie splashes another glass of water in Dan's face]
Dan: I thought you said there wasn't going to be any more water.
Natalie: It was surprising and unexpected.
Dan: '[nodding] Yes it was.

Casey: Seriously, you need to relax. Just take however long you need, sip your coffee, and relax.
Dan: Yeah.
[as Dan takes his first sip of coffee Natalie walks up behind him and sounds an air horn causing Dan to spray coffee all over the desk]
Natalie: Did it work?
Dan: Natalie, I don't have the hiccups. Writer's block doesn't go away just by...
[Natalie splashes a cup of water in Dan's face]
Elliot: 10 miutes to air! Somebody get Dan a towel.

Isaac: My sixteen-year-old daughter is dating a Republican in her class named Chad.
Dana: Chad's a sixteen-year-old Republican?
Isaac: That's right.
Dana: I didn't know sixteen-year-olds had party affiliations.
Isaac: Chad was just elected president of the Connecticut Young Black Republican Caucus. He has a 3.9 GPA, he is co-captain of the lacrosse team, he plays the french horn, and does volunteer work at a crisis hotline.
Dana: Sounds wonderful.
Isaac: Dana! Did you hear me? He's a Republican?
Dana: A lot of folks are running in that direction these days, Isaac.
Isaac: Yeah? Well, I don't want them sniffing around my women!
Dana: What're you going to do?
Isaac: What any reasonable man would do. I'm calling a building contracter and installing a dungeon.

Isaac: What was I saying?
Dana: You were building a dungeon to incarcerate any Republican suitors.
Isaac: And a moat. A big moat.

Casey: Alright, alright, listen to me. We're the best, OK, the very best.
Dan: Yeah?
Casey: Well...maybe not the best but we're pretty good.
Dan: Right.
Casey: I put us easily into the top thirty or forty.
Dan: This is not helping.

Jeremy: And in that moment, Dan was reminded once again why he wanted to write in the first place. It's for the same reason anybody does anything: to impress women.

Jeremy: El Perro Fumando?
Dana: The flaming dog.
Casey: Smoking dog.
Dana: Not the flaming dog?
Casey: The dog's not gay.
Dana: I wasn't suggesting the dog was gay. I was suggesting the dog was on fire.
Casey: He's not smoking on fire, he's smoking a cigarette.
Elliot: He's smoking a pipe.
Kim: He's smoking a cigar.
Dan: I say he's gay.

Dan: How do we know the dog is a he?
Casey: "El perro" is masculine.
Dan: Sounds like Dana's translation has it leaning another way.

Dan: What're you doing tonight?
Casey: Going to sleep.
Dan: Come out with me.
Casey: Where?
Dan: El Perro Fumando!
Casey: The smoking dog?
Dan: Yes.
Casey: Why?
Dan: If you wear something blue you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.
Casey: You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
Dan: I'm not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.

Casey: That's all for us. I'm Casey McCall, alongside Dan Rydell, and if you've had half as much fun watching the show as we've had doing it, well then we've had twice as much fun doing the show as you've had watching it. That's Sports Night, see you tomorrow.

Thespis [1.08]

Isaac: So you say a few words. You make a gesture. You remember an important date. A small price to pay for what you get in return. For what you get in return, it's a steal.

Natalie: So Thespis is the Roman god of theatre?
Jeremy: That's exactly right. Except he's not Roman and he's not a god.
Natalie: What is he?
Jeremy: He's Greek and he's a ghost.
Dana: Who's Artemis?
Jeremy: Artemis?
Dana: Yes.
Jeremy: Artemis is goddess of the moon, the hunt, chastity and fertility. (everyone ooohs)
Dana: (to Natalie) Your boy knows his mythology.
Natalie: Give him another one.
Kim: Athena.
Dave: Thirty seconds.
Jeremy: Goddess of wisdom, the arts and war.
Casey: (from the studio) Mercury.
Jeremy: God of commerce, wrestling, gymnastics, thieving, good luck, sleep, wealth and dreams.
Casey: Wow.
Natalie: There's a god of thieving?
Casey: There's a god of gymnastics?

Dana: I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it "The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval." Included on the two-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" and "Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman," and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook A Turkey?"

Elliott: Dana, Broadcast Center says we should expect some trouble with our transmission in the next couple minutes.
Dana: What kind of trouble?
(All the monitors go to snow as the show is knocked off the air)

Jeremy: Your mother's gonna love you whether or not you screw up the turkey.
Dana: My mother's gonna annoy me whether or not I screw up the turkey.
Jeremy: Which leads us to the conclusion that your mother loves you even though she annoys you. And it's Thanksgiving, so which do you want to focus on?
Dana: For a guy who's read The Hobbit fourteen times, you're not so dumb.

Casey: (after the show has been knocked off the air) I was on television for a little while there and then I wasn't anymore.
Dana: That's gotta be pretty disturbing for someone like you.

The Quality of Mercy at 29K [1.09]

Dan: The Olympic gold-medal winning gymnast and high school sophomore said that after all those hard years of work, it was a relief to finally realize her life-long dream. Good to get that out of the way at fifteen.

Dana: If I shot you out of a missile silo, you'd have to go 29,000 feet in order to clear the peak of Everest, land on a pile of rocks in Tibet, and shut the hell up.

Casey: Mock me if you must, but I hold in my heart what few men possess.
Dana: A one year membership to the Big Apple Health and Racquet club?
Casey: The spirit of the hill.
Jeremy: Tell 'em, Casey.
Dana: Yeah, tell us.
Casey: There's a hill... and... spirit...
Jeremy: Man, did you drop the ball!
Casey: Oh, like you've climbed Kilimanjaro!

Jeremy: Hey! I just got off the phone with Libby in Nepal, Corey is 1500 feet from the summit.
Natalie: Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky! They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of heaven itself! There's really no end to what we can do! You know what the trick is?
Dan: What?
Natalie: Get in the game.

Casey: You know, while we've been having this conversation, a couple people have probably died from something you could've cured.

Dan: A couple of months ago I wrote a check to someone. Now I'm in the middle of Dickensian London.

Dan: I'd love to give money to all these people, but then I'd have no money and I'd need someone's mailing list just to pay rent.
Casey: It's a vicious circle.
Dan: It is.
Casey: It's a never-ending circle.
Dan: It just keeps going round and round.
Casey: It never ends.
Dan: That's what makes it vicious.
Casey: And a circle.

(Dana is trying to buy tickets for The Lion King on Broadway)
Dana: (into phone) Hi. I'd like two of your best seats for this afternoon's matinee. Anything between the 8th and 12th rows, in the center, and if I end up with an obstructed view, you're going to have a very angry woman on your hands. (listens) Yes. (listens) Yes.
Isaac: What's he saying?
Dana: It's tough to tell, he's laughing pretty hard. Now he's telling his friends. And... there, he just hung up.
Isaac: Screwed?
Dana: Totally screwed.

Shoe Money Tonight [1.10]

Casey: So don't adjust that dial, and while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some tacos or beer -- for God's sake, do what they tell you.

Jeremy: Like bishop to queen's-rook-7.
Dan: Keep going.
Jeremy: My chess team is playing Lakeland. I start my match king's-pawn-3, king's-pawn-3. Bam, bam, bam, all of a sudden the guy moves bishop to queen's-rook-7. I lost 32 moves later, but I was never even in it.

Jeremy: Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.
Natalie: How do you know I don't have a big house?
Jeremy: A FULL house. Dan already folded the six you needed, and I have the other one. You don't have a house of any sort, you don't have a pup tent. You've got trip sevens, and I have a straight. I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life, they were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the break-up-with-him-before-he-breaks-my-heart strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don' t think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you you have three sevens, and I have a straight.

Sally: Anyway, I really appreciate the two of you sticking around and filling in.
Casey: It's no problem.
Sally: Oh, please, you think I wanna be stuck doing the two a.m.? This is just a temp gig.
Casey: Temp gig?
Dan: Temporary gig.
Casey: Thanks.
Sally: My stuff's out there. I talk to a lot of people.
Dan: Just as long as none of them are talkin' back.
Sally: CNBC, MSNBC--
Dan: M-O-U-S-E...
Casey: Danny--
Dan: Oh, like she's listening to anybody but herself.
Sally: Even CNN.
Casey: No kidding?
Sally: Oh, yeah.
Dan: Listen, Sally, we're sort of in the middle of a -- what do you call it? -- a national television show, so maybe you could--
Sally: But we do good work on the two a.m.
Dave: [over PA] Sally, we're back in 30 and you're in our shot.
Dana: I have a keen dislike for that woman.
Natalie: She's perfectly nice.
Dana: She is not perfectly nice, and I'd appreciate a little back-up here. Could we have a bond over this, please?
Natalie: Fine, I'll stop thinking Sally's nice if you'll stop thinking Jeremy is right.
Dana: I never said he was right.
Jeremy: Hey, I'm sitting right here.
Dana: Stay quiet!
Natalie: Thank you. [into mike] Sally, camera 2's got your butt pretty well-framed, so if you wouldn't mind stepping out of the shot?
Dana: Thank you. And... be sure Casey sees your cleavage as you walk out... there ya go.

Natalie: We're not fighting about Henny Youngman. We're fighting because instead of going to the movies with me, you decided to play tennis with Judy Rootie-Tootie.
Jeremy: (to Chris, Will and Dave) You guys getting all this?
Will: You know someone named Judy Rootie-Tootie?
Jeremy: Judy Reston-Taylor.
Chris: The actress?
Jeremy: We went to school together.
Chris: I hear she's great in that new thing
Natalie: Thank you, Siskel and Ebert. I hate you all.

The Six Southern Gentlemen of Tennessee [1.11]

Isaac: What's going on in Chattanooga?
Dana: We don't know.
Isaac: We don't know?
Dana: We don't know.
Isaac: We don't know anything?
Dana: We don't know much.
Isaac: But, fundamentally, we're still a news-gathering organization, right?
Dana: Sure.
Isaac: Then what's the problem?
Dana: We're not very good.
Isaac: That's what I thought.

Dana: Jeremy, tell me what's happening in Chattanooga. Tell me quickly, tell me succinctly. Bullet points. We're on the air in less than two minutes, so don't give me a valedictory address. Talk to me as if I'm a small child. Tell me what's happening in Chattanooga.
Jeremy: I don't know what's happening in Chattanooga.
Dana: Okay. Tell me a little more than that.

Dan: (on-air) We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.

Dana: By the way, in the memos that are circulating, we're spelling Chattanooga about 14 different ways, now what do we know?
Jeremy: Two Os, three As.
Dana: That's it?
Jeremy: No, there are other letters too.

Isaac: Danny, I need to talk to you.
Dan: Good, 'cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?
Isaac: Since I don't really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.

Isaac: There are days, Danny, when I'm just too tired to fight that man.
Dan: Well you gotta let us know when it's one of those days and we'll fight him for you.
Isaac: You gotta stop thinking of me as the champion of all things black.

Monica: You're not expected to know what shirt goes with what suit or how a color in a necktie can pick up your eyes. You're not expected to know what's going to clash with what Dan's wearing or what pattern's gonna bleed when Dave changes the lighting. Mr. McCall, you get so much attention and so much praise for what you actually do, and all of it's deserved. When you go on a talk-show and get complimented on something you didn't, how hard would it be to say "That's not me. That's a woman named Maureen who's been working for us since the first day. It's Maureen who dresses me every night, and without Maureen, I wouldn't know gun metal from a hole in the ground." (pause) Do you have an idea what that would've meant to her? Do you have any idea how many times she would've played that tape for her husband and her kids?

[Debating the "Play of the Year"]
Kim: Women's ice-hockey.
Jeremy: You're kidding.
Kim: The U.S. women's team won the first Olympic Gold Medal in ice hockey and there were over 4000 fans in the arena to see 'em do it.
Jeremy: They beat a team of Slovakian cocktail waitresses and there were over 4000 people at my cousin Jacob's bar-mitzvah.

Casey: Earlier in the show, we told you about Roland Shepard and the six other players who were dropped from their team and then their school for refusing to play football under the Confederate flag. Here's Isaac Jaffee, managing editor of Sports Night, with an editorial comment. Isaac?
Isaac: Thank you, Casey. Exaudio, Comperio, Conloquor. That's a Latin phrase that translates: To Listen, To Learn, To Speak. Those words are carved into the stone arches that form the entrance to the undergraduate library at Tennessee Western University. This afternoon, an extraordinary young man named Roland Shepard made what had to have been an excrutiating decision. He said he wasn't playing football under a Confederate flag. Six of his teammates then chose not to let Shepard stand alone. And I choose to join them at this moment. In the history of the South, there's much to celebrate. And that flag is a desecration of all of it. It's a banner of hatred and separation. It's a banner of ignorance and violence and a war that pitted brother against brother, and to ask young black men and women, young Jewish men and women, Asians, Native Americans, to ask Americans to walk beneath its shadow is a humiliation of irreducable proportions. And we all know it. Tennessee Western has produced some outstanding alumni in the last hundred years. People of wisdom and vision. Strength and compassion. One of them is Luther Sachs. Luther Sachs owns Continental Corp, which owns the Continental Sports Channel, which you're watching right now. Luther Sachs is a generous alumni contributor to Tennessee Western with a considerable influence over its Chancellor, Davis Blake, and its Board of Trustees. Luther, you've got a phone call to make. You've got to call Chancellor Blake and tell him to take down that flag or he can stop looking for your checks in the mail. You've got to put these young men back in a classroom, and I mean pronto. These boys are gonna make you proud one day, Luther. I challenge you to do the right thing. Not an unreasonable request to make of a man whose alma mater declares Exaudio, Comperio, Conloquor. To Listen, To Learn, To Speak. In the meantime, God go with you, Roland Shepard and you six Southern Gentlemen of Tennessee. God's not done with any of you yet.

Smoky [1.12]

Dana: I think your job stinks. You get to create your own show, and make all the decisions, and have a big staff, and make a lot of money. That's not for me, Isaac. I like to answer to people. I don't want to create. When I get a thought it my head, I like it to die right there.

Dan: It's not time to dally with Sally.
Casey: Dan.
Dan: That was an unfortunate rhyme, but still.

Isaac: Dana, the things that I say in my office stay in my office.
Dana: Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told.
Natalie: Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.
Jeremy: I told many, many people.

Casey: [Casey is practicing flirting] You're smoky.
Dana: I'm smoky?
Casey: You're smoky. You're a lot of other things too, but you're smoky.
Dana: I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it. Tell me what it means.
Casey: It's hard to translate.
Dana: Try.
Casey: You'll make a joke.
Dana: We're flirting - it's okay.
Casey: Are we really flirting, or are you just pretending to be you flirting with me actually being me?
Dana: You think I'm smoky?
Casey: Classy. Impressive. Sexy. Was sexy going too far?
Dana: It was fine.
Casey: You're smoky.
Dana: Thank you.

Dan: You could be having sex with Yoko Ono right now.
Casey: Please don't ever say that again.

Dana: Five seconds. You go to ten, I kick your ass.
Casey: You ever hear of artistic freedom?
Dana: You ever hear of me kicking your ass?

Dan: She scares me. She's too good looking. Nobody's that good looking. I'm not that good looking.
Casey: You really think she was flirting with me?
Dan: (ignoring him) And her beauty comes from a very strange place, have you noticed that?
Casey: The places her beauty comes from weren't that strange to me. I can identify almost all of them.
Dan: Don't do it, Casey, she's got an agenda.
Casey: You think she wants a job on Sports Night?
Dan: No, I think she wants to rule all of Metropolis!

Casey: I say she's a very nice person.
Dan: I say she has no reflection!

Dan: This is science fiction. I'm all alone on this. I stand completely alone. Sally is an alien. Do you understand me? At night, she peels off her body and lives on Steve Guttenberg's boat.

Sally: As we speak, one of your LC-Wire frames is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor attempting to have phone sex.
Isaac: God please don't tell me which two.

Kim: (to Isaac) When I get Natalie's job, is there a union regulation that prevents me from making Elliott my man-slave?

Natalie: (about Dana) Casey says she's smoky.
Jeremy: She is smoky.
Natalie: Am I smoky?
Jeremy: You better believe it. I'll tell you what else you are: You're a slow drink of whiskey.
Natalie: (beat) Say some computer things. Right now.
Jeremy: Listen, seriously. Those new herbs that you're taking? I think you should stop.
Natalie: I'm a slow drink of whiskey.
Jeremy: Among other things.

Small Town [1.13]

Dana: You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.
Casey: I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

Natalie: You wanna leave the room?
Jeremy: No!
Natalie: Then allow for the possibility that from time to time other people are at least as smart as you are.

Dan: Our producer, Dana Whitaker, is telling me to fill for 15 seconds, but I honestly don't have anything to say.
Dana: Dan.
Dan: She's begging me now.
Dana: Dan. Dan...
Dan: Now she seems pretty mad. You'd all like her a lot if you met her.
Dana: You're a funny boy, Daniel.
Dan: And that was 15 seconds. Casey?

Natalie: We blew off 68 in the ten o'clock rundown, now please stay quiet.
Isaac: May I ask why?
Natalie: Not right now you can't. Right now you can either fire me or stay quiet.

Natalie: Let's bump Oksana Baiul.
Dan: Oksana Baiul?
Natalie: Lose it.
Dan: The Ukrainian Jewel? Oksana Baiul?
Natalie: Yes
Dan: You can't bump Oksana Baiul!
Natalie: And yet...look how I just did.

Rebecca [1.14]

Jeremy: It's sixty-six degrees in Denver today.
Dana: Tell me quickly why I care.

Dan: So, I'm gonna try telling you this story one more time.
Casey: Can I just make a suggestion?
Dan: Sure.
Casey: What if, instead of you telling me this story again right this second, you never tell me this story ever.

Casey: Is it nature's special time?
Dana: Oh, you know what? Bite me so hard for that.

Casey: Sixty-six degrees in Denver today.
Jeremy: Two inches of rain in Katmandu.
Dana: Geek boys.

Dana: Wow.
Casey: Wow what?
Dana: Those cars are going fast.
Casey: Yeah, they're going as fast as they can because the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.
Dana: Like a race?
Casey: Right.

Dana and the Deep Blue Sea [1.15]

Dan: The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese.

Dan: Dana, Casey's being mean to me.
Dana: Casey, be nice to Dan.

Casey: It sounds like a lot of people are going to be having sex with a lot of other people who aren't me.

Dana: This is their world, Isaac. They live where it's murky. Poisonous, tentacle-baring, prehistoric sea-creatures.
Isaac: You're afraid of fish.
Dana: And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Dana: Would it be possible to have one 10 o'clock meeting that doesn't degenerate into dork recess?

Dan: That was a joke. That was a little joke I wrapped up and gave to you free for nothing.
Rebecca: I am serious, Danny, if you turn out to be a jackass, I am gonna... no kidding, as God is my witness, I am gonna do something bad to you with numbers.
Dan: I stand warned.

Dan: You know, sometimes it's worth it - taking all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feeling good.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: And how was your day?
Casey: Sometimes you just stand there, hip-deep in pie.

Sally [1.16]

Casey: I had sex last week for the first time since Lisa and I split up. It was with a woman I hardly know, and I'm feeling kind of conflicted about it. For many reasons, I suppose, not the least of which is I obviously have to confront some unresolved feelings for Dana. Plus I really miss my shirt.
Isaac: Keep talking. I'm just going to start drinking now.

Dan:You went to a woman's apartment and there you had wine and there you had sex.
Casey: You are way off base, that is not what happened, except... yes, that's what happened.
Dan: Casey.
Casey: Fine.
Dan: I'm so proud of you.
Casey: I never liked you at all.

Dan: You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you wearing heels?
Sally: Are you feeling diminuitive?
Dan: No, but now I have to go look up that word.

Dana: Jeremy's still at it with the eggnog?
Natalie: He badly wants to be accepted by my parents.
Dana: Yes.
Natalie: Come to think of it, so do I.

(Dan wants to know the name of Casey's romantic assignation.)
Dan: We can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way.
Casey: What's the hard way?
Dan: I don't know, but the easy way is you telling me her name.

How are Things in Glocca Morra? [1.17]

Jeremy: Dan was doing what he always does when it's two minutes to air. He was annoying Casey.

Dan: Casey.
Casey: I'll tell you what the problem is here.
Dan: No provolone cheese?
Casey: No provolone.
Dan: You're saying you don't want to talk about it.
Casey: I'm saying I'd like, just once, for there to be provolone.
Dan: Is this one of those times when you say you don't want to talk about it, but you really do?
Casey: No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't want to talk about it but we end up talking about it anyway.

Casey: This is big-time television. Guy puts out Swiss cheese, nothin' else.
Dan: Here's the thing. I would do it right now, I would do it right this second, but I'm in a sort of a pre-show mode. It's a very delicate energy and can't be tampered with. All anyone here is thinking about is the broadcast.
Dana: Guys, wanna play garbage-can basketball?
Rebecca: Dan's in pre-show mode.
Dana: Ha ha ha ha, that's a good one.

Jeremy: I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes any woman think she's got nothing.

Natalie: Wanna get a doughnut?
Jeremy: I was gonna stay and write a letter to Louise.
Natalie: Ah. (pause) You wanna go someplace and make out?

Dana: Natalie!
Natalie: Yeah.
Dana: I have nothing to do.
Natalie: Wanna go with me to get a doughnut?
Dana: Mmmm... nah.
Natalie: You wanna go someplace and make out?

Gordon: Natalie can't do the show?
Natalie: I didn't prep it.
Dana: She didn't prep it.
Gordon: But, I mean, at this point isn't it just calling out numbers from a script?
Natalie: You produce a lot of live television at the District Attorney's office?

Dan: Hey Sally, you must've slept with this guy Fedrigotti. How long you think he can keep at this?
Sally: I was just thinking, it's been such a long time since Dan said something charming to me, and then there it was.

Dana: I'm saying this is my show. This isn't my hobby. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't come in here and try to broker deals between Sally and me!
Gordon: I need to get something from you, Dana. I need a sign. I thought you wanted a life! (pause) I need you to give me something, or...
Dana: What? Or what?

The Sword of Orion [1.18]

Dan: Did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?
Casey: I do not know.
Dan: You don't know?
Casey: I do not.
Dan: Natalie, did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?
Natalie: That's a good question.
Dan: Thanks you very much. Did he pitch this afternoon?
Natalie: I do not know.
Dan: Thank God none of us work in sports.

Dan: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Yeah.
Casey: Maybe he met another woman and he forgot all about you.
Natalie: Maybe I'll jam a number 2 pencil up your nose.
Casey: Maybe he's just busy.

Dan: You know what pumps me up?
Casey: I like grape jelly.

Rebecca: Have people ever tried to kill you?
Dan: Yeah, but I defend myself with my superior wit and guile.

Rebecca: How is it you've become buddies with everyone who works down here?
Dan: I have a way about me.
Rebecca: For you are Dan.
Dan: For I am.

Dan: There's really nothing like seeing a guy realize he's not done yet. It usually goes the other way.

Dana: I am so nice to them!
Natalie: That's one way of looking at it.
Dana: What's another way?
Natalie: That often times you express your displeasure with their work in ways that make them want to take their own lives.

Jeremy: There's a lot of great stuff on Orion... the god and also the constellation. Most people see only the belt, which is formed by delta, epsilon and zeta — three second magnitude stars that are spaced equally in a straight line. Beneath the belt is a line of fainter stars, and of these stars theta isn't really a star at all. It's actually the brightest part of Orion nebula. So this great pink star in the sword of Orion turns out to be something... far more complicated and interesting. (pause) My father's been having an affair with a woman for twenty-seven years.

Casey: (on-air) We'll show you why McKenzie Blane falls mainly on Tulane and we'll do other things that rhyme as well.

Rebecca: Hey, is it okay if I hit you in the head with this big book?
Dan: That's Casey's. (Casey enters.)
Rebecca: Casey, is it okay if I hit Dan in the head with this big book?

Dan: Eleven years ago [Orlando Rojas] pitched a perfect game.
Rebecca: A perfect game?
Dan: Yes ma'am.
Rebecca: And a perfect game is good?
(Dan and Casey look at each other.)
Dan: Listen, I know there's a lot of jargon, but some of these are pretty self-explanatory.

Rebecca: You think Neil Armstrong's wife was an expert in astro-propulsion?
Dan: I think she's heard of the moon.

Dan: You've built yourself a wall. A wall of pain. A wall whose bricks are made of pain, and whose mortar is made of tears, and whose... what's the other one? There's bricks and mortar and--
Rebecca: That's it.
Dan: Really?
Rebecca: Just bricks and mortar.
Dan: There isn't a third thing?
Rebecca: Nope.
Dan: Whatever. You got a wall.

Dana: I'm feeling really good about this meeting so far. I'm serious, I'm getting a really good vibe from this meeting, so here we go. Ready? Elliott, Item 1--
Dan: Dana?
Dana: Oh, this meeting sucks!

Dana: Show me 30. You'll see how nice I can be.
Chris: 30's up.
Dana: Oh THAT blows!
Chris: (into his headset) Yeah, she's not wild about it.

Jeremy: (re: The Sword of Orion) It's worth it, I think, to figure out... exactly how this boat, that was supposed to win... met with this kind of disaster.

Dana: (right after a show) Would you tell graphics that the wise thing for them to do is to leave the building right now very quickly.
Natalie: (into her headset) Hey, Dana says you guys come on up for a well-deserved pat on the back.

Eli's Coming [1.19]

Dana: Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a "welcome back" cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.
Casey: What kind of cake?
Dana: What kind of cake?
Casey: Yes.
Dana: I don't know, Casey, why do you ask?
Casey: I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.
Dana: Wow. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is "whatever cake I damn please."
Casey: Excellent.

Dana: Is there anything [Casey] won't make a speech about? Is there anything he won't sit in judgement on? I mean I am sorry to end two sentences in a row with a preposition like that, but no kidding, Danny--
Dan: Dana.
Dana: Yeah?
Dan: Hi.

Casey: There are days... Days that separate the men from the Men.
Kim: The men from the men?
Casey: That's right.
Elliott: What does--
Casey: The second "men" was with a capital "M".

Dana: You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back".
Jeremy: Cut the "back"?
Dana: Yes.
Jeremy: And have it just say "Welcome"?
Dana: Yes.
Casey: "Welcome"?
Dana: Do you have a problem with that?
Jeremy: He'll think he just cleared Customs.

Dana: I think it's strange that Isaac isn't here.
Natalie: When was he supposed to get in?
Dana: He said he'd be here well before the show started.
Natalie: The show hasn't started yet.
Dana: Yeah, but he said he'd be here well before the show started. It's now two minutes before the show is starting.
Natalie: Was he coming right from the airport?
Dana: Yeah.
Jeremy: Maybe he stopped off.
Dana: Where?
Jeremy: For a pretzel.
Dana: I'm serious, he was supposed to--
Jeremy: The man's been in Europe for two weeks, he hasn't had a decent pretzel, maybe he stopped off and that was the cause for the delay.
Dana: And how long does it take to buy a pretzel?
Jeremy: Well, you've punctured a hole in my theory.
Natalie: Also Bobbi isn't here yet.
Jeremy: She called from the car.
Dana: And?
Jeremy: Stopped off for a pretzel.

Dan: What're you nuts? Huh? Are you just some nutty, nut-girl who's nuts? There's a difference between divorced and separated. One is divorced and the other is separated. That's why they have those names. I never imagined that in a building populated by me, you, Dana, Casey, Jeremy and Natalie, Bobbi Bernstein would turn out to be the sanest person here!

Ordnance Tactics [1.20]

Dan: Dana, there was a bomb scare.
Dana: Yes.
Casey: Well, it worked.
Dana: What are you--
Dan: We're scared!

Casey: Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?
Dana: In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

Casey: Dogs?
Dana: Dogs. Yes. Specially trained dogs.
Dan: We want to meet them.
Dana: Guys.
Dan: We want to meet the dogs right now.
Dana: Okay. And what will you say to the dogs when you meet them?
Dan: (pause) She's got a decent point.
Casey: Yeah.

Dana: These two are the biggest babies.
Casey: Hey, you're afraid of fish, okay? I'm afraid of dying in a hail of shrapnel. Who's crazier?
Natalie: There's a contest.

Dan: So we're two likable guys.
Casey: I think so.
Dan: I think we're very likable.
Casey: I'm liked wherever I go.
Dan: I'm liked wherever I go and wherever you go.
Casey: We're perfectly likable.
Dan: Yes.
Casey: (pause) Yet someone tried to blow us up.
Dan: That's what I'm sayin'.

Rebecca: Why were you avoiding me during the bomb scare?
Dan: I wasn't avoiding you.
Rebecca: You were. We were out on the street for over an hour. It was a perfectly good bomb scare.

Rebecca: Everytime I tried to find you, someone would say that you had just left the place that someone else had just said you had been right before.
Dan: That was a truly spectacular sentence.

Dan: It was a bomb scare, Rebecca, I was serpentining. I was employing the covert ordnance tactics that I learned.
Rebecca: Where did you learn covert ordnance tactics?
Dan: (pause) 'Nam.
Rebecca: You're avoiding me.
Dan: Yes.

Rebecca: Why are you avoiding me?
Dan: Why?
Rebecca: Yeah.
Dan: Take a wild, flailing, shot in the dark. Take a ridiculous, nothin' on the line, Hail Mary toss from the backcourt heave as to why I might be avoiding you.
Rebecca: 'Cause you thought Steve and I were divorced when in reality we're only separated and Steve wants us to go back into counseling and I'm on the fence about it and you hate Steve?
Dan: That's amazing. That's amazing that you got it on the first guess like that. I'm gonna take you on tour. We're gonna make some money, me and you.

Rebecca: So your strategy for this is to be wonderful?
Dan: Yes.
Rebecca: Listen...
Dan: You know why?
Rebecca: Why?
Dan: It works every time.

Jeremy: Could I say something please?
Dana: Sure.
Jeremy: Natalie and I have broken up. (pause for Natalie to shake her head) We have.
Natalie: In his head.
Jeremy: I put it in writing.
Natalie: That's sweet.
Jeremy: Just so you know. If I wanted to right now, I could ask out other women.
Natalie: No.
Jeremy: I could.
Natalie: No.
Jeremy: Dana, would you like to go out with me?
Dana: I can't.
Jeremy: Why not?
Dana: You're seeing Natalie.
Jeremy: Dammit!

Natalie: I'd just like to confirm for everyone that I am Jeremy's girlfriend.
Jeremy: Natalie.
Natalie: I am his girlfriend and he's seen me naked many times.
Jeremy: Natalie!
Natalie: Sometimes I do a little dance.
(Will turns around and looks at Natalie)
Jeremy: Eyes front, mister!

Casey: Hang on. I've been handed some information I requested on, basically, what to do in the event you think the building you're in might blow up at any moment. For instance, it says you should stay away from unsecured walls or open electrical wiring. (looks at Dan) So... it's a good thing you and I don't work in front of a fake backdrop over which hangs like a million volts of electrical equipment.

Dan: Well, if you've got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we're the guys to do it!

Will: Loading F/X 5.
Chris: F/X 5 is loaded.
Will: No it's not.
Chris:' It's loaded.
Will: 'Cause I just loaded it now.
Dave: I will kill you both with my hands.

Ten Wickets [1.21]

Dana: There are three things that I'm doing. I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's the third one.

Natalie: Everybody: this is your nightly two-minute confirmation that I'm still Jeremy's girlfriend.

Jeremy: Whatever this guy did, it was huge.
Natalie: What'd he do?
Jeremy: He took all ten wickets in an inning.
Natalie: What does that mean?
Jeremy: I don't know.

Jeremy: There are countries other than ours.
Dana: Yes, there is, for instance, Belgium, to name the one.

Natalie: Dana, this is a fully grown man of enormous dignity and accomplishment. He's covered wars and he's dined with kings and he can't move the left side of his body and he doesn't want us to see him like that.

Dana: You know I don't like Casey being mad at me.
Natalie: I know.
Dana: He's never gonna stop being mad at me.
Natalie: Yes he is.
Dana: Here's the thing.
Natalie: What?
Dana: He's got a point.

Dana: Gordon's gonna ask me to marry him.
Casey: I'm sorry?
Dana: He's in Washington, and he told me on the phone that when he gets back he's gonna ask me to marry him. Y'know, he wants to do it... make it a big deal.
Casey: What are you gonna say?
Dana: I'm gonna... What, are you kidding? I'm gonna say yes!

Dan: I'm on my feet. Bobbin' and weavin'. Breakin' tackles. Nothin' but open field.
Natalie: How you doin'?
Dan: Well, I've had a little wine. Somebody wants to make book on whether or not I'll be having a little more, I would not bet against me.

Dan: You are my sworn enemy!
Jeremy: Dan.
Dan: I love you man, give me a hug. I love you too, Casey. You're like my, y'know, much, much older brother.
Casey: Dan.
Dan: Bobbin' and weavin'!
Casey: Gordon asked Dana to marry him.
Dan: Wow.
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: No, seriously, Casey.
Casey: I know.
Jeremy: Listen, think about this. Halfway around the world, a lone man has accomplished an extraordinary athletic feat.
Dan: What?
Jeremy: I don't know.
Dan: Good enough.

Natalie: The thing is Casey...
Casey: What?
Natalie: With you, I didn't hear it.
Casey: Hear what?
Natalie: Did you hear it, Dan?
Dan: I didn't hear it. Did you hear it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: I didn't hear it.
Natalie: Nobody's heard it. Nobody's heard the bell ring.
Casey: Yeah.
Natalie: Yeah.
Casey: I'm gonna need a plan.

Jeremy: Dana, a very big sports story is happening.
Dana: Jeremy, if a very big sports story was happening, we'd know it.
Jeremy: We do know it, we just don't understand it.

Dana: (at a rundown meeting) Folks, before we start, I'd like to say that I've been forgetting things lately. Losing things. I apologize in advance, you'll know it when you see it. Anyway, that's all. (Dana exits, then walks back inside.) We have a run-down meeting now.

Napoleon's Battle Plan [1.22]

Dan: You think there are people in the building across the street looking at us in our underwear?
Casey: Yes, I do.

Dan: Alyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.
Alyson: Okay.
Dan: Either that or take off your pants.
Alyson: I'll avert my eyes.
Casey: Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.

Dan: Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Dan: Who's been calling your calves "shapely?"
Casey: My mom.
Dan: Okay. Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dan: It's the high road.
Casey: It's the low road! It's the lowest of roads. Other roads which would, under normal circumstances, be considered low roads would be high relative to this road.

Dan: Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?
Casey: Doesn't seem very manly, does it?
Dan: I'll do it in a deep voice.
Casey: (waves hand in air) See me waving up here? You know where I am?
Dan: The high road?
Casey: I can see everything from up here.

Gordon: What's on your mind? You've been strange all through lunch.
Dana: Gordon, I've been strange my entire life.

Dana: I don't like territorial women, Sally.
Sally: Well, I guess we won't be sharing a ride to the prom then, will we, Dana?

Dana: You are a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed, overpaid blowhole!
Dan: Which one of us are you talking to?

Dana: Guys, you're going to have to do the first two blocks without your pants. Casey, you should feel right at home.

What Kind of Day Has it Been [1.23]

Casey: You were worried you might embarrass me. Man. There should be no doubt in anyone's mind that you're my son. And you can't even blame me, 'cause Grandpa started it. And I have a hunch his dad was no picnic, either. So, Charlie, I am nipping this in the bud right now. Pay close attention. In this lifetime, you will never embarrass me. It's not gonna happen. You play baseball if you want to play baseball, and the only thing you have to do to make me and your mom happy is come home at the end of the day. In your lifetime, you'll never embarrass me. You know why? 'Cause I'm your father. Who'd you think I was?

Dana: There's no such thing as an overnight ring cleaner, you idiot! Gordon and I broke up, which is just the most recent in a series of recent humiliations, and I'm okay with it! I can take it! But this -- (turning to camera) -- is really the living end. I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough. And now I want something good to happen. I want something good to happen before the day is over, and I'll be judge of what's good.
Casey: Dana --
Dana: One good thing before the day is over, I swear that's all I want!
Isaac: [offscreen] Hey lady... [onscreen] ...are you gonna get my show on the air anytime soon?

Casey: Try not to traumatize the new nanny.
Dan: Why would I traumatize the new nanny?
Casey: I don't know, but you always do.
Dan: I like nannies.
Casey: I know.
Dan: I'm thinking of getting one for myself.
Casey: Good.
Dan: 'Course she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.

Jeremy: Dana, do you have the first idea how to operate any of this equipment?
Dana: This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I've read it cover to cover.
Jeremy: I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover, it doesn't make me the Czar.

Dana: You spend six months making me feel guilty for liking my job, then propose to me, then two days later you tell me you've slept with the woman who wants my job, I say fine. I say fine! Then six days after that you tell me you wanna break off the engagement? Here's the thing: I think only one of us should be angry at a time, and I have a hunch it's gonna be me.

Dana: This is a cheap excuse to get out of marrying me which you never wanted to do in the third place, and the only reason you proposed in the second place was out of guilt for having slept with Sally in the first place.
Gordon: You say fine? I sleep with Sally and you say fine? Casey sleeps with Sally, you have a level three nervous breakdown!
Dana: You're calling off the engagement because I wasn't mad enough when I found out you were sleeping around? Let's do the whole thing all over again and this time I'll just beat the living crap outta you!

Gordon: (after calling off the engagement) Maybe we can talk more about this later.
Dana: Yeah, let's talk about it as much as humanly possible. (takes off the ring) This is yours.

Season 2

Special Powers [2.01]

Dan: I know we promised you soccer highlights, so let me just tell you that Columbus beat Miami one-nothing, Dallas beat San Jose one-nothing, Chicago beat Colorado one-nothing, and New England beat Kansas City two-one in an offensive slugfest. A modest proposal: make the nets bigger.

Dana: Is it over yet?
Dan and Casey: (simultaneously) All right, that was totally his fault!

Casey: We're winging the tease tonight, Alyson.
Alyson: Good luck.
Casey: Flying without a script for eighteen seconds! Living on the edge!
Dan: Living over the edge!

Dana: (standing in front of the studio cameras) Hello, my name is Dana Whitaker, I'm the executive producer of Sports Night, and I'm interrupting this broadcast to tell you that Casey took gymnastics after school for seven years! How's he lookin' to you now, girls?

Jeremy: I wanna say, while acknowledging that not everyone shares each other's view of the world, and while most situations between two or more people involve various shades of gray, as opposed to black and white--
Natalie: What are you trying to say?
Jeremy: I'm trying to say that I'm right and you're wrong! What's more, you know I'm right and you're wrong!
Natalie: No, you mean you're right and I'm cute.

Dan: Isaac, you can't work full-time.
Isaac: I have to.
Dan: Why?
Isaac: Because they pay me to.
Dan: You had a stroke.
Isaac: Is that what that was?
Dan: Yes!
Isaac: (sharply) I thought it was bad swordfish!

Dan: Why don't you ask people to do things for you?
Isaac: Like what?
Dan: Like getting you a drink.
Isaac: Why?
Dan: Because you've been walking over to that bar for like, a half-an-hour now.

Natalie: Men harbor this illusion that they can cover up their, you know, with this other thing, but women always know.
Jeremy: No, they don't! You know why not? 'Cause women don't have special powers, let's dispense with that theory right now! Women don't have a sixth sense, women don't have intuition, they don't have special powers! You were being offered a job in Galveston. That meant I was gonna have to like, go there. I was gonna have to go and live there and get a job in Galveston. And I wasn't gonna get offered a job in broadcasting, it was gonna be ranch work for me, OK? Or big game fishing, either way, my life has taken an abrupt and bizarre turn, 'cause one minute I'm paying my bills with money I'm earning at my dream job, while dating the most beautiful woman on the planet, and the next minute, I'm on a cattle drive and I'm dating the weather girl from "Good Morning Galveston!" And I'd have done it! I'd have moved to Galveston, with the heat, and the cattle, and the malaria, I'd have done it because that's how much I love you, and that's how much I want what you want. But you can't expect me to be wild about the idea! (pause) What?
Natalie: You are so cute.

Jeremy: I deem that the fight is officially over.
Natalie: Excellent. I deem I'm coming to bed in your tuxedo shirt, high heels and nothing else.
Jeremy: Excellent.
Natalie: Tell me women don't have special powers!

Casey: Danny's been talking to me all week about this "statute of limitations."
Dana: Have you committed a crime?
Casey: No, no, I... Well, I mean, back when I was pledging my fraternity, but I took care of that with community service.

Dana: It's sixty days.
Casey: What?
Dana: It's sixty days. Whatcha been waitin' on, McCall?
Casey: I was...
Dana: Huh?
Casey: I was, y'know, waiting.
Dana: You were waiting for what? St. Swithin's Day?
Casey: I was waiting the proper ninety days, the way I was taught.
Dana: Yeah, well, whoever taught you taught you wrong.
Casey: It was Danny.
Dana: No kidding.

When Something Wicked This Way Comes [2.02]

Casey: What about Sally?
Dana: That wasn't dating.
Casey: Well, we slept together almost every night for three months.
Dana: Thanks for reminding me.
Casey: Dana...!
Dana: That wasn't dating, that was two lonely and pathetic people slinking off after a crappy little 2 a.m. show getting drunk and using each other for sex!
Casey: (stops dead in his tracks) That's not dating?

Natalie: Sweetie, Dana can tell when you're staring at her breasts.

Isaac: What are you dressed as?
Dana: I'm going to a bachelorette party. It's a themed bachelorette party.
Natalie: Ask her what the theme is.
Isaac: I just assumed it was hookers.
Dana: It's biker chicks.
Isaac: (smiling) Just as good in my book.

Dan: Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!
Casey: Either that or a religious bigot.
Dan: I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.
Casey: Proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.
Dan: I made an idiot out of myself in front of Hillary Clinton!
Casey: Yeah, but at least you had to spend a thousand bucks to do it.

Sam: You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite. I was lying on a beach in Bali. I got a phone call, I got on a plane for 14 hours. I was hired to raise this show's audience share three points. Just between you and me, I'm gonna raise it three-and-a-half. I'm not lacking in confidence as far as that's concerned, and because of that I can say this: I honestly don't give a damn if any of you work here or not.

Cliff Gardner [2.03]

Sam Donovan: You guys know who Philo Farnsworth was? He invented television. I don't mean he invented television like Uncle Milty, I mean he invented the television. In a little house in Provo, Utah. At a time when the idea of transmitting moving pictures through the air would be like me saying I've figured out a way to beam us aboard the Starship Enterprise. He was a visionary and he died broke and without fanfare. The guy I really like though was his brother-in-law, Cliff Gardner. He said to Philo, "I know everyone thinks you're crazy, but I want to be a part of this. I don't have your head for science, so I'm not gonna be much help with the design and mechanics of the invention. But it sounds like, you're gonna need glass tubes. See Philo was inventing the cathode receptor, and even though Cliff didn't know what that meant or how it worked, he'd seen Philo's drawing and he knew he was gonna need glass tubes. And since television hadn't been invented yet, it's not like you could get 'em at the local TV repair shop."I want to be a part of this", Cliff said, "and I don't have your head for science. How would it be if I taught myself to be a glassblower? And I could set up a little shop in the backyard. And I could make all the tubes you'll need for testing." There oughta be Congressional medals for people like that. I've looked over the notes you've been giving over the last year or so, and I have to say that they exhibit an almost total lack of understanding of how to get the best from talented people. You said before that for whatever reason, I seem to be able to exert authority around here. I assure you, it's not 'cause they like me. It's because they knew two minutes after I walked in the door that I'm somebody who knows how to do something. I can help. I can make glass tubes. That's what they need. One last thing. The first and last decision making authority on this show will rest with Isaac Jaffe until Isaac Jaffe says otherwise. (pauses) And if you disrespect him in my presence again, I will re-dedicate the rest of my life to ruining the rest of yours. And if you think I'm just mouthing at ya, I suggest you ask around about me. I have absolutely no conscience about these things.
J.J.: Sam, why did you bring us out here?
Sam: 'Cause there's the exit. That's it. The meeting's over.

Dan: I have gifts for you.
Dana: That wasn't necessary.
Dan: I think it was. You once took a trip to Napa and you visited a small vineyard there. You told me you tried some wine that you loved and could never find it anywhere. I thought I remembered the name but I wasn't sure. (pulls wine bottle out of bag, shows it to her) Is this it?
Dana: (she looks at the bottle, eyebrows raise) Yes.
Dan: Good! I always like wine with cheese.
Dana: I know.
Dan: I wanted to get you some cheese. There's a great cheese place over on Second Avenue. I went over there after I got the wine but it's gone... there's a hardware store there now.
Dana: That's OK.
Dan: (reaching into bag) I got you some spackle.
Dana: (cracks up) Thank you!

Dana: Dan and Casey are professional writers. They're not waiters in a restaurant. You can't tell them what you'd like and how you'd like it prepared.
JJ: This show is bought and paid for by my network, Dana. That is exactly what I can do.
Dana: I'll ask you again, please, let's have this meeting in my office.
JJ: And I am telling you, we're past that.
Dana: JJ, I was hoping this meeting would go differently. I was prepared to eat whatever I had to for Isaac's sake. And I asked the senior staff to do the same, which, by the way, is the only reason why Dan, Casey, Jeremy, Elliot, Chris, Will, and Dave haven't beaten the crap out of you guys by now. I've changed my mind. At this point you have two choices: fire me or shut the hell up!

Sam: I don't have to like you, you don't have to like me. I have two priorities. The first is getting from the beginning of the day to the end of the day without having a drink. The second is raising this show's ratings to the point where it's no longer in danger of what almost happened here today. Trust me. I won't make fools out of you.

Dana: One of the legs on the craft service table is wobbly?
Elliott: Yeah.
(Dana breaks out laughing. After a moment, the rest of the staff joins in.)
Casey: Hey! The show's important, but first things first: There are bagels on that table!

(Dan is unhappy that Dana will accept notes from network executives.)
Dana: I'm doing the best I can.
Dan: The fact that that might be true absolutely terrifies me, Dana.
Natalie: Danny!
Dana: You've become a malcontent, Danny.
Dan: And you've become a secretary, Dana!

Isaac: Just because we didn't execute all the network's suggestions, doesn't mean we weren't listening, it just means we didn't agree. You didn't expect me to substitute your judgement for mine, did you, JJ?

Louise Revisited [2.04]

Sam: I've noticed you people have an ability to chatter at someone with energy and enthusiasm regardless of whether they seem interested or not.
Dan: And that's not just on camera.

Natalie: Hello.
Jeremy: Aaah!
Natalie: Did I scare you?
Jeremy: No.
Natalie: Why did you yell?
Jeremy: I meant to say "hi."
Natalie: What happened?
Jeremy: I misspoke?

Dana: Is our meeting disturbing you?
Sam: I'm sorry?
Dana: I was wondering if our meeting was disturbing you?
Sam: A bit, but I've been through worse.

Dan:: If you want to do your thing and live in a cave, that's cool too. I won't bother you anymore. (walks out the door, then stops) At least I won't bother you anymore tonight. Tomorrow, who knows?
Sam: Who knows.

Casey: (looking at Dana) I can't take it.
Dan: What happened?
Casey: I can't tell you.
Dan: Okay.
Casey: But suffice it to say, it has something to do with underwear.
Dan: But you can't tell me what it is.
Casey: No.
Dan: Does it have anything to do with you being a conniving, scheming, stop-at-nothing, claw-your-way-to-the-top, cheats-at-solitaire, y'know, guy?

Jeremy: I'll just stand over there for five minutes and forty seconds and think about what my life was like before I met any of you.

Jeremy: How's that internet poll going Dan?
Dan: (putting his face directly into a camera that shows up in the control room) Don't think I'm not on to you, my friend.
Jeremy: Spent seven hours looking for the ignition keys.
Dan: Jeremy--
Jeremy: Today I take care of all family business.

Casey: Sam, everything's cool, I got her panties right here in my side pocket.
Sam: Okay. (Dana follows a few seconds later.) Hi, Dana.
Dana: And as for you, you see you don't control my world. I happen to not be wearing any panties right now, and if you had a thousand guesses you couldn't tell me where they were.
Sam: Casey's side pocket.
Dana: (walking away) Dammit!

Kafelnikov [2.05]

Dan: What happens is you become someone who relies on the love of three or four million total strangers watching you on television.
Abby: What happens when they go away?
Dan: Well, I try to avoid that.

Dan: Luciano Pavarotti shocks the track world by running the 100 meters in six seconds! My mother hits for the cycle! And Martina Hingis sings selections from "No, No, Nanette!"

Jeremy: Sandbags on the levee, some plywood on the windows, a little thing called human endeavor.
Dana: Are you almost finished?
Jeremy: I'm just saying we have nothing to fear.
Dana: And I'm just saying you must have gotten beat up a lot in high school.
Jeremy: Yeah.

Casey: Zamfir, master of the pan flute, was 26 for 32 in passing...

Dan: Wow, she's a doctor!
Casey: Of psychology.
Dan: A doctor!
Casey: In the area of mental health.

Abby: You're a nice guy, and you're a smart guy.
Dan: Thank you.
Abby: So why doesn't you father like you?
Dan: What?
Abby: I believe in cutting through the first six months and getting to the stuff.

Natalie: You weren't here the first year. On the list of the top ten things we screwed up, knocking the power out with a Y2K test wouldn't have made the cut!

Natalie: Dana, tell Jeremy not to fear the new milennium.
Dana: Don't fear the new milennium.
Natalie: Do it better than that.
Dana: There is nothing to fear from the new milennium.
Natalie: You see?
Dana: Though I suspect you'll be spending a good part of it looking for a job.

Isaac: The next millennium will be spectacular! It will be. I'm managing editor of Sports Night and a hundred years ago, I wasn't allowed to vote. The future's just fine with me. And I have to say that I find it vaguely amusing that a computer that can calculate the quadratic equation in a nanosecond hits the panic button when it's asked to count to 2000. I'll see you upstairs.

Dana: There's no question that there's a way to look at this where... it's my fault.
Jeremy: What's another way to look at it?
Dana: There's no other way to look at it.

Dana: Jeremy, I am honestly sorry.
Jeremy: There's no point in assigning blame.
Elliott: What happened?
Jeremy: It was Dana's fault!

Shane [2.06]

Isaac: How do you think Dana would feel about it?
Casey: Dana?
Isaac: Yeah.
Casey: Ah, who knows with Dana. One day she's up, another day she's down. That's girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is, she's standing right behind me, right?
Dana: I cannot believe you.
Casey: Wait.
Dana: You went over my head.
Casey: I can explain this.
Dana: How?
Casey: I went over your head.
Dana: Casey!
Casey: Hey, I'm just trying to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt your dancing.
Dana: And you just sat there?
Isaac: It's my desk.

Abby: Danny, of all the psychological problems you have, and they are myriad, not being able to pronounce Yevgeny Kafelnikov isn't one of them.
Dan: Then why can't I pronounce it?
Abby: Because it's a hard name to pronounce.

Kyle Whitaker's Got Two Sacks [2.07]

Dana: My brother got two sacks tonight.
Jeremy: I saw.
Dana: Tackled the quarterback twice.
Jeremy: I know what the word "sack" means.
Dana: He did it two times.
Jeremy: And I know what the word "twice" means.

Dana: That's Whitaker blood.
Natalie: Good blood.
Dana: Excellent blood. Made grown linemen cry like little girls.

Dana: Stand there. I'm gonna sack you.
Jeremy: Okay, I need just another moment of your time, then you can go back to being crazy.

Dana: My brother can beat up your brother.
Natalie: My brother's a grad student in comparative literature. My mother could beat up my brother.

Dan: Watch me on television tonight.
Abby: Why?
Dan: You'll like me.
Abby: See ya.
Dan: That was a joke.
Abby: You know what?
Dan: What?
Abby: It wasn't.

The Reunion [2.08]

Dan: I'm thinking about going to midnight mass.
Casey: Really?
Dan: I'm thinking about it.
Casey: Eight years of Hebrew school weren't enough for you?
Dan: I hear they put on a good show.
Casey: With the original cast, maybe, but that thing's been running for a little while now.

Isaac: Cheese grater.
Casey: What?
Isaac: Get me a cheese grater.
Casey: Really?
Isaac: Yeah, I love to grate cheese. A lot of different kinds, Casey, and they're not cheap.
Casey: I had no idea you this kind of love for, uh...
Isaac: Cheese?
Casey: Yeah.
Isaac: Oh yeah.
Casey: I'm your guy.
Isaac: There's no getting around that.

Dan: Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player Athlete of the Century?
Natalie: Let's find out.

Natalie: I love you, Danny. You're the best.
Casey: Hang on.
Natalie: What?
Casey: I thought I was the best.
Natalie: Things change.

Isaac: A famous monk once said, 'I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you.'
Casey: But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations.
Isaac: No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?
Casey: I look like an idiot.
Isaac: Added bonus.

Dana: You look tired.
Kyle: I'm a little tired, yeah.
Dana: You got a lot of people mad at you. Your teammates.
Kyle: Yeah.
Dana: The fans.
Kyle: Yeah.
Dana: Mom and Dad.
Kyle: Yeah.
Dana: I'm not done being your big sister yet. And it seems to me that these are the moments that big sisters get paid for. So, what do you say I be the one person in your life that isn't pissed at you right now? It's going to be okay. You're going to face the music, and you'll work hard in the off-season and you'll be back, only this time not quite so stupid. In the meantime I'm sister your and I'm here for whatever you need.

A Girl Named Pixley [2.09]

Dan: Honesty for Pixley!

Dana: Where are we right now?
Natalie: New York City.
Dana: Natalie...
Natalie: The city of lights.
Dana: Paris is the city of lights.
Natalie: We got a lot of lights, Dana.

Dana: All right, here's what I'd like. I'd like everyone to go back to your offices or cubicles and return to me in thirty minutes with either some ideas or a carton containing the contents of your desk.

Dana: Any new word?
Dan: He's still alive if that's what you're asking.
Dana: Oh, man.
Natalie: Dana!
Dana: Hey, you think there's any chance he was gay?
Natalie: Dana!
Dana: It would make a better story.
Natalie: He's on his death bed.
Dana: I am about to make this man the most famous 7th place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner... and be gay.

"The Giants Win the Pennant, The Giants Win the Pennant" [2.10]

Dan: You didn't see the homerun?
Isaac: I was washing my hands--
Dan: Never wash your hands.
Isaac: If only you'd been my mother.

Dan: Were you bummed?
Isaac: For a while. But then you get older. And it just joins all the other things in your life that happened (pause) while you were looking the other way.

Dana: "Momentarily" does not mean "in a moment."
Chris: Here's two dissolving to three.
Dana: It means "for a moment."
Jeremy: Yes.
Dana: That makes me crazy.
Jeremy: We've been wondering what the source was.

[Dan just found out that Isaac missed the "Shot heard 'round the world"]

Dan: Were you bummed?
Isaac: For a while. But then you get older, and it just joins all the other things in your life that happened while you were looking the other way.
Dan: Did you see your daughter get born?
Isaac: Yeah.
Dan: Did you see her graduate college?
Isaac: Yeah.
Dan: Are you watching "Sports Night" tonight?
Isaac: Yeah.
Dan: Then shut up.
Isaac: Yeah.

Dan: The one that he wanted was you anyway.
Dana: Wanted?
Dan: All this is doing is making him feel a lot less like the man he is, which is why he left Lisa in the first place. I know what he wants, and I gotta say, he's done a pretty good job of going after it, which isn't, like, the most natural thing in the world for Casey to do. And I know what you want, and all I've seen you do is hide behind this psychotic behavior all dressed up as cute. He wanted you, and he told you every possible way he could. You've just been hanging out in the men's room.

The Cut Man Cometh [2.11]

Chuck Kimmel: When it comes to the sweet science I'm not much on predictions, Casey, but I will say this: One of these fighters is gonna win this bout tonight and the other will almost surely not.
Dan: The Cut Man, goin' out on a limb.

Dana: Are they ready?
Natalie: If they're not, they only have themselves to blame.
Dana: That may be so, but I have you to blame, so make sure they are in gear.

Casey: Who knows more than we do about boxing?
Dan: Boxers.
Casey: Besides them.
Dan: Boxing experts
Casey: Besides them.
Dan: Boxing fans.
Casey: Besides them.
Dan: No one.
Casey: Damn straight!

Jeremy: You can't give yourself a nickname.
Isaac: Don't I know it.
Dana: All right, moving on.
Isaac: You don't think I'd like to be called "The Hammer?"
Dana: Isaac.
Isaac: I would, Dana, I'd like to be called "The Hammer." You know why I'm not?
Dana: You can't give yourself a nickname.
Isaac: You can't give yourself a nickname.
Dana: Okay.
Isaac: Also, that one's taken.

The Sweet Smell of Air [2.12]

Sam Donovan: I've been through alcohol, marriage and network television. If you're gonna kill me, you're gonna need kryptonite.

Casey: Please don't tell me it doesn't matter what I do, that I'm his father and that he'll be impressed with me no matter what.
Dan: He's ten, Casey, he's going to be mortified by you no matter what.

Natalie: You're letting him make you crazy.
Dana: I'm not letting him make me crazy, I haven't given him permission or anything. He does it all by himself.

Dan: I read Beowulf in three hours.
Casey: How'd you read Beowulf in three hours?
Dan: I didn't read it, really, but I saw the movie.
Casey: There's no movie for Beowulf.
Dan: What the hell movie did I see?

Dana Get Your Gun [2.13]

Dan: You can have my first-born son, just take tomorrow night's show.
Casey: So I'd have to work tomorrow and raise your child?

Casey: This girl named Lillian I just met said I dress like her father.
Dan: You do dress like her father.
Casey: You know Lillian's father
Dan: I don't have to know Lillian's father.
Casey: You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?

Dana: At some point were you planning on asking me if it's okay if you switch off nights with Casey? I'm still the executive producer of this show.
Dan: I'm sorry. Is it okay if I switch off nights with Casey?
Dana: What the hell do I care?

Natalie: I'm gonna push the Dodgers' training camp into the 30's which will let us move Dale Earnhardt up front.
Dana: I've got a gun under my desk.
Natalie: Or we can keep everything where it is.
Dana: I mean it. I've got a big honkin' gun under my desk.

And The Crowd Goes Wild [2.14]

Casey: You took typing?
Dan: Sure. Yeah, very important.
Casey: You wanted to get out of pre-calc or something?
Dan: Choir.

Dan: You can't see anything right now, can you?
Casey: No.
Dan: You're just typing gibberish.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: Okay.

Casey: I'm a little scared of getting trapped in a fire.
Dan: I understand.
Casey: Would you help me to safety?
Dan: If there wasn't anything else better to do.
Casey: Like what?
Dan: Save myself.

Dana: Let's refuse.
Peter: Why?
Dana: Just to be ornery.
Isaac: The two of you can get out now.
Dana: What happens if we refuse?
Peter: Ah, you'd be cited for contempt.
Dana: What happens then?
Peter: You go to jail.
Dana: I wouldn't do well in jail.
Peter: No.

Dana: We could do it, y'know, refuse to hand over the tape and go to jail for a first amendment principle.
Isaac: Ah, Dana, don't you think if I could've figured out a way to send you to prison I would have done it already?
Dana: You're a regular cut-up, there, skipper.

Celebrities [2.15]

Natalie: You're going down tonight, Dartmouth.
Dan: Great, she's talking trash now.

Casey: That is why I discourage fraternization in the office.
Dan: You discourage fraternization?
Casey: I do.
Dan: Are you not counting the last year and a half with Dana?
Casey: I am, as a matter of fact, not counting that.

Jenny: Do you think your career progress is being thwarted by the inability to make a parallelogram?

Dan: Do you know how anal you are about your books?
Casey: Uh, I know that Natalie's got your manhood stuffed inside of a Prada bag.

The Local Weather [2.16]

Dan: If you're good enough to be in second place, you're good enough to be disappointed in it.

Jeremy: I think I'm in love with this girl. No... obviously love's too strong, but I met this girl...
Isaac: Is she in any way related to me?
Jeremy: No.
Isaac: Then we're fine.

Isaac: Does the porn star know you're this much of a dork?

Jenny: You can't stand in the rain without an umbrella?
Jeremy: Yes, Jenny. I learned when I was young that if I do that I'll get wet.
Jenny: And I learned when I was young if I get wet I'll dry off. I learned not to be troubled by water falling from the sky. I learned that when I was young the things that frightened me might not be so frightening after all... that possibly, the only reason I was frightened was because I was young.

Dana:Guess where I've been.
Jeremy: Church.
Dana:You see? He knew.
Jeremy: I was standing right here.

Draft Day, Part One: It Can't Rain at Indian Wells [2.17]

Natalie: You have a bandage on your face the size of a sleeping bag, Dana. Of course it's noticable!

Casey: Natalie!
Natalie: Yeah!
Casey: I want to know more about Tommy Castro's knees.
Natalie: You and me both, sailor man.

Casey: You're dating a porn star?
Jeremy: I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.
Casey: How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.

Casey: Does she like sports?
Jeremy: She likes sports. We talk about sports.
Casey: You're dating a porn star who likes sports?
Jeremy: I know, that's why I'm not talking about it. Any minute now my mother's going to wake me up and tell me it's time to go to school.

Dana:The second round!
Isaac: If it rains at Indian Wells.
Dana:We're gonna cover the second round!
Isaac: If it rains.
Dana: Make sure it rains.
Isaac: I'll try.
Dana: Don't try, Isaac, get it done.

Natalie: I broke up with YOU, Mr. "Obviously has a short-term memory loss with a myriad of other problems which I won't even go into but thinks he broke up with me because of the short-term memory loss which is so obvious".
Jeremy: No need to be formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Jeremy.

Draft Day, Part Two: The Fall of Ryan O'Brian [2.18]

Jeremy: How can it be raining at Indian Wells?
Isaac: Maybe it's the rainy season.
Jeremy: Indian Wells is a desert, Isaac. If it had a rainy season, it would be called something else.
Isaac: Fair point.

Jeremy: Fire me.
Isaac: What?
Jeremy: Fire me, do it now.
Isaac: Why?
Jeremy: I'm a bad worker.
Isaac: No, you're not.
Jeremy: I come late, I leave early.
Isaac: You come early and you stay late. You come in on your days off.
Jeremy: And isn't that a little weird?
Isaac: Oh yeah.
Jeremy: Well, then, enough's enough, Isaac. Fire me.
Isaac: I'm not firing you.
Jeremy: I say things behind your back.
Isaac: No, you don't!
Jeremy: It's behind your back, Isaac. There's no way you'd know!
Isaac: It'd get back to me.
Jeremy: No, these things are too terrible and I CAN'T LIVE WITH THE GUILT! I'll save you the trouble of firing me and simply offer my resignation.
Isaac: I won't accept it.
Jeremy: You have to accept it!
Isaac: You have a contract!
Jeremy: Then fire me!
Isaac: No!
Jeremy: I'm a racist!
Isaac: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah, I'm a terrible racist, but I've been in the closet all these years, and I've decided I need to live an honest life. And I think all those people with the different skin colors and the funny accents should go back where they came from and leave America to the white people who killed the Indians in the first place -- which they deserved!
Isaac: Jeremy...
Jeremy: The whole country's being taken over by the blacks and the Jews!
Isaac: You're Jewish!
Jeremy: Well, I've got to be stopped, Isaac!
Isaac: What's the matter with you, Jeremy?
Jeremy: I'm totally screwed!

Jeremy: What if I stand right in your office and look you in the eye and call you "Sambo?"
Isaac: Heh heh. Thanks for stopping by, Jeremy, you crack me up.
Jeremy: I didn't sell it.
Isaac: No.
Jeremy: How do the real racists do it?
Isaac: It's too late for you son, you've gotta be taught by your parents.

Casey: I'm sorry.
Dan: Yeah?
Casey: I'm very sorry.
Dan: I don't think you are.
Casey: I am. In fact, I'm so sorry it's almost hard for me to think of different ways to say "bite me."

Dan: You know I came this close to being drafted as a wide receiver?
Casey: Really? What happened?
Dan: Well, I never actually played organized ball.
Casey: Ah.
Dan: And even if I had I wasn't fast enough to be a wide receiver.
Casey: But, other than that...?
Dan: This close, my friend.

Casey: Sounds like you're ready to go for it.
Jeremy: I am. I absolutely am. I mean, if not now, when? If not me, then who?
Casey: Later and somebody else?

Elliott: How do you fall so that's the only part of your face that you hit?
Dana: Practice.

April is the Cruelest Month [2.19]

Jeremy: I'll go write the pageant.
Dan: The pageant?
Jeremy: Well, there are sections of the haggadah that, quite frankly, could use a polish.
Dan: You're gonna do a rewrite on the haggadah?
Jeremy: It's not written in stone, Dan.
Dan: Actually, some of it is.

Kim: Who am I playing?
Jeremy: You're playing pharaoh's assistant Maggie.
Natalie: There's someone named Maggie in the haggadah?
Jeremy: There is now.

Jeremy: She wasn't a choreo-animator.
Natalie: What was she?
Jeremy: A porn star.
Natalie: Really?
Jeremy: She's made over eighty adult films, she's slept with, if possible, more men than you have. Jenny was a porn star, for both the boy and the man in me.

Natalie: You dated a porn star and never slept with her?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Natalie: What a goober.

Bells and a Siren [2.20]

La Forza Del Destino [2.21]

Quo Vadimus [2.22]

Trager: Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

Casey: ...with revenge on their minds they welcome the Tigers to the house that Ruth built this evening.
Dan: Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house this evening, did he?
Casey: No, Dan, and thank you very much for correcting my every mistake no matter how small, oh these many years.
Dan: What are friends for?
Casey: To annoy the hell out of you?
Dan: Exactly.

Cast

External links

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