American Dad!

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There's a hope for every woe, and a balm for every pain, but the first joys of our heart come never back again!
Robert Gilfillan
(Redirected from Stan Knows Best)
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American Dad! is an animated U.S. television series, broadcasted since 2005.


Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Stan: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
Hayley: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan: You like shaving your legs, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley: [staring in shock along with the rest of the family at Stan] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
Francine: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the toast that was just shot up]

Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.

Stan: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Roger: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!

Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Principal Lewis: Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
Steve: Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
Principal Lewis: You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

Steve: All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Roger: By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God!

Threat Levels [1.2]

Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
Stan: So explain that cold sore.
Roger: Mind your own business!

Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Hayley: Here's to mom. She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
Stan:: Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

Waitress: Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
Stan: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
Francine: I did both.
Stan: Well you can just do it all, can't you?

Steve: Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
Toshi: [subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
Steve: Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.

[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]
Greg: Take a picture, why don't you?
Terry: I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.

Stan: I could have assassinated you!
Francine: What?
Stan: Nothing.

Steve: I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink dad!
Stan: Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Roger: Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real Catch U Next Tuesday.

Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.

Stan Knows Best [1.3]

Hayley: No way!
Stan: [points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our times. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are horrible!
Stan: Hey! Girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister", is a burn victim]
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I know mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible
Steve: Only her taint survived.

[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
Jeff: Do what?
Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Ho's, her Ding Dong's, her Suzie Q's, her... her... uh... aw, God, what... what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
Jeff: Her Sno Balls?
Stan: You bastard!

Stan: [fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!!!

Francine's Flashback [1.4]

Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
Stan: Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stan: [talking about euthanising a racoon] She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen.... And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.

Bill Pullman: Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]
Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.

Roger: [after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?
Steve: Who?
Roger: The black guys who did this.

Roger Codger [1.5]

Stan: [after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!

Roger: [after being thought dead and being thrown in a dumpster] Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in a landfill?

Old lady: [spitting at the Lincoln Memorial] That's for freein' the slaves, ya negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!
Roger: [gritting his teeth] And suddenly, things turned ugly.

Klaus: Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. [blows five bubbles] Ah, what the hell - six bubbles. [blows another bubble and whispers] Don't tell your mother.

Stan: [gets in the passenger side of a car] Stan Smith, CIA! To the Smithsonian! Oh wait, this my car. [shifts over to the driver's side]] Even better!

Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Roger: Hey, Hayley, got a minute?
Hayley: Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?
Roger: Oh, right, it's after twelve you're probably high. Let me talk to the fish.

Stan: [after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [a skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]

Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Homeland Insecurity [1.6]

Stan: [after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler, that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America and it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Francine: It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Stan: Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
Steve: But then I'd be dead.
Stan: Oh, c'mon sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, that little girl from Poltergeist. Well she must be at least sixteen by now; you could totally hit that.

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!", and everyone ran away.
[Francine frowns at him]
Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man [1.7]

[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]
Roger: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.

Roger [after Klaus reveals Roger's secret to producing more milk]: Why, Klaus? Why?!
Klaus: Ja. Still German.

[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]
Hayley: Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl Rove: Thank you.

Stan: There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.
[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]
Karl: I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]

Francine: [to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?
Stan: Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...
Francine: Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!
Stan: I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
Roger: Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]
Roger: Mystery solved.
Stan: I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

Steve: What am I gonna do?!
Hayley: Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
Stan: Not in this house he doesn't. We're Conservatives and the one way we don't like to kill things is that way.

Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!

Francine: We can bring chips and dip to the wake.
Stan: Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!
Francine: I can make potato salad.
Stan: Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Stan: [abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

Bullocks to Stan [1.8]

Hayley: I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me, and besides, he has a really huge-
Stan: Penis! I mean, Hayley. Dammit! I was trying to cut you off before you said-
Hayley: I was going to say heart but, well, you shined his shoes.

Francine: I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]
Hayley: Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
Jeff: What? But-but we're so good together.
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right. I so do that.

Stan: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stan: And you're not the man I married!
Francine: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

[Steve is calling India]
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

[Jeff is standing drunk in front of the Smith house]
Jeff: Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]
Hayley: What do you want, Jeff?
Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.
Hayley: No.
Jeff: Okay. Bye.

A Smith in the Hand [1.9]

Stan: It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Aw... Now why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immidiately while Francine is still laying on it]
Stan: Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think--
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: [disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Stan: [bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!
Steve: I'm still alive, Dad.
Stan: Yes, but you're dead inside.

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.

All About Steve [1.10]

Hayley: [to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
Roger: That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

[Stan is at the dentist]
Dentist: Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Stan: Braces? You've got to be kidding!
Dentist: I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.

Con Heir [1.11]

[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Stan of Arabia: Part 1 [1.12]

Stan: Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

Stan: So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
Public: *shocked* OH!
Stan: Hahahahaha...

Stan: All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but it doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.

Steve: How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?
Hayley: They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
Stan: It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

Roger:[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Stan: I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!

Francine: Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Steve: Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Francine: Steve-
Steve: Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black men don't go to Colorado.

Roger: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die.

Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
Francine: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

Francine: [landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

Stan of Arabia: Part 2 [1.13]

Klaus: [after Francine's scream shatters his bowl] Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia, but I'm the real fish out of water! [laughs, then suddenly stopping] Seriously, I'm dying.

Stannie Get Your Gun [1.14]

Stan: Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
Stan: [holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.

Roger: [talking to his cookie] Shush...don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath

[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
Stan: Hey, son!
Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
Stan: [after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
Hayley: Steve! What are you doing?
Steve: [suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
Roger: [in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

Francine: Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
Stan: I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Stan: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley: What?!
Stan: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Star Trek [1.15]

Steve: So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Francine: Any letters for me?
Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

Stan: Francine, when I look at your hair I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit.

Not Particularly Desperate Housewife [1.16]

Francine: Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.
Linda: Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-
Francine: Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.

[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]
Hayley: What are you doing?
Klaus: Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.
Steve: Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

[Stan is about to punch Roger, and Roger accidentally hits Stan in the crotch. Stan groans and falls on his knees]
Roger: Oh, God, I forgot. That's where you humans keep your boys. I'm so, so sorry. Here, let me help. [punches him in the crotch again] Don't be startin' what you can't finish, bitch.

Klaus: There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It... ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher! [laughs] You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! [angrily] Shame on you!

Francine: Hey, Linda. Wanna go to that art auction?
Linda: We can't. It's our biweekly puzzle night. We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.
Francine: But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?
Linda: You're right. Let's do the rest of the puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo!

[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking it the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

Rough Trade [1.17]

Stan: Are you drunk?
Roger: Working on it.

Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.

[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

Finances With Wolves [1.18]

Klaus: [closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.
Stan: [Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... Boil water. What am I? A CHEMIST?!

It's Good to Be Queen [1.19]

Guy #1: It's all set, right?
Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]
Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.

Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Mitch: A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.

Roger: [sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
Roger: [wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!

[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff were having marijuana brownies]
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play monopoly backwards?
[someone is ringing the doorbell and knocking repeatedly]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott! ["Oh my god"]
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

Season 2

Camp Refoogee [2.1]

Stan: So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.

Roger: In the words of every sit-com character in the early '90s and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the '90s, don't go there.

Roger: [wipes glasses and pauses] Tell them how you killed our baby, Amanda.

Hayley: [significantly fatter] Thank God we're going home. I think I gained the African 20. Seriously, I threw away more food than I ate.

The American Dad After School Special [2.2]

Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death is dessert.
Steve: I love dessert!

Steve: Here she comes.
Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
Steve: No, Dad, that's...
Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
Steve: No, that's...
Stan: She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
Steve: Dad, that's Debbie.
Stan: To the panic room!

Francine: Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.
Stan: Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.
Hayley: Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.
Francine: You apologize to your son.
Stan: For what? You brought fat into our house.
Steve: You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
Stan: There's more of her?!

Klaus: Ja. Your suit is stuffed tighter than, um, some funny German word. Uh, sorry. I'm kinda running out of fish shtick. [gasp] Oh, and just like that I'm back!

Bullock: Oh, look. Miss Pinkerton fainted at the market buying canned salmon for her puss-puss. Get up, Smith! I have no choice but to suspend you until you deal with your weight problem.

Steve: No, no, Debbie. This break-up has nothing to do with my dad at all. It's just... you know, this is a really bad time for me. The Ghostbusters box set just came out. What, with that and the new Doom being released, I don't know I can give you the time you need. Forget me, big beautiful creature! [cries]

Failure is not a Factory-Installed Option [2.3]

Roger: Hey Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud?

[after receiving a delivery of film reels from Hayley]
Hayley: [reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.
Roger: Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

Roger: Oh my god, we're a broken home and I'm too drunk and they're to dumb to channel it into art.

Roger: Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.

Repo Man: Here to repo the cars.
Steve: You can't do that. We're about to become men.
Repo Man: Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.

Lincoln Lover [2.4]

Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

Dungeons and Wagons [2.5]

[Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
Klaus: Plase, let me play!
Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

Roger: When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.

Hayley: I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.
Klaus: Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.
Hayley: Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?
Klaus: The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?
Hayley: Not really.
Klaus: [disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.

Iced, Iced Babies [2.6]

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

Of Ice and Men [2.7]

Stan: Ah, Saturday. Sunday's Friday.

Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".

Grandson: Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story then two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.

[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.

Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Roger: You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!
Brown-haired Man: Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
Roger: Everyone's looking!

Irregarding Steve [2.8]

Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

[Steve and Roger are standing in the rain in New York]
Roger: We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.
Steve: Roger!
Roger: Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue. Someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

The Best Christmas Story Never [2.9]

Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?
Steve: An American flag?
Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.

Bush Comes to Dinner [2.10]

Stan: [reveals shotgun behind pillow] Ah, pillow gun. Where danger and comfort meet. [pumps shotgun] 200 thread count, 200 dead count.

Steve: Dollywood?
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.

Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.

A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial [2.12]

Steve: Chlorine. Bromine. Crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words teen and ass in it.

Roger: Oh. Oh, the pain! My moaning stems from pain!

Black Mystery Month [2.13]

Steve: You mean Jenga?
Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.

[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.

Stan: Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh wait, you need a black guy.

Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

An Apocalypse to Remember [2.14]

[the family is dressed up and about to go to a banquet honoring minorities in America]
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!

Stan: Who's the boob? It that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It doesn't mean anything. It's like fatty or baby penis.

Stan: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.

Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
Stan: What was that, Steve?
Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
Stan: I love it when you kids get along.

Stan: [realising that children from pie eating content are deaf] Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food. Marlee Matlin sucks! [pauses] Ah, you know, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.

Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Roger: All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy!

Stan: [alone with his family in the wild] We're the last ones left on Earth.
[They all hug him. He spots a man paragliding in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots him down]
Francine: What was that?
Stan: Mosquito.

Four Little Words [2.15]

Roger: [to Hayley] Oh, excuse me. Are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Black-haired woman: I'm a ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you! I'm Kevin Bacon!

When a Stan Loves a Woman [2.16]

Stan: Francine, stop. My penis is not a dog. It's Batman.

Steve: [explaining how he got tickets] How does anybody anything?

Francine: What the fuck is going on?!
Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

Barry: [beating up Steve] Let's kill his parents next. Let's kill them all.

I Can't Stan You [2.17]

[Stan, using CIA powers, has seized the houses of all his neighbors]
Stan: In other words, there goes the neighborhood. [laughs] Ordinarily that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.

The Magnificent Steven [2.18]

[Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

Stan: I can't believe you killed her, Barry. You're a cold son of a bitch.

Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]

Joint Custody [2.19]

Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
Stan: How... how could she do that?

Stan: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

[a train appears, separating Jeff from Stan and Roger]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?
Jeff: You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on]
Stan: [to Roger] Great. Well, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.
Roger: Wait! How will I get out of here?
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]
Leprechaun: You flute me?
Roger: Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.
Leprechaun: Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

Roger: Horse Renoir, bounty hunter! Born in the bayou. Some say the hell-spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Other say...
Stan: Shut up!
Roger: Rude.

Roger: [after escaping from a burning barn] Ah, you know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stan: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stan: Me either.

Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $147.
Roger: What? Where are we gonna get that kind of money?
Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stan: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!

Season 3

The Vacation Goo [3.1]

Francine: I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday night dinners.
Klaus: Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that' cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist.

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

[Stan parks next to the window of his house as in drive-thru]
Stan : Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.
Francine: Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!
Stan: Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.

[The family is in a lifeboat starving]
Hayley: Steve's hiding food!
Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Hayley: Give it to me!
Francine: Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...
Hayley: But-
Stan: Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.
Francine: Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.
Stan: Did someone say, "skiing"?

[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]
Stan: I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!

Meter Made [3.2]

Dope & Faith [3.3]

Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, the guy.

Big Trouble in Little Langley [3.4]

Bah Bah : She fail at math! Imagine Chinese girl who can't do math?
Stan : It's always a shame when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Get up and kiss me like your sis... aw, forget it.

Haylias [3.5]

[Hayley's trigger phrase]
Stan: I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

Hayley: It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.
Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.
Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.
Francine: Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley: The path to happiness?
Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

42-Year-Old Virgin [3.6]

Stan: There was a Space War?
Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.

Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting.

Stan: I hope my son is still about to be molested! I need a half price ticket.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.
[Stan chugs the soda]
Stan: [panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!

Bad Larry: I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?

Surro-Gate [3.7]

Francine: Doctor says I have a big, plushy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.

Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but his breasts weren't as luscious as your-- HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. For, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.

[nine months later...]
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

Frannie 911 [3.9]

Stan: Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?

Klaus: [offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

Steve: Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.
Stan: What?
Francine: There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?
Stan: Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.

[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

Tearjerker [3.10]

[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot)
Stan: OW! What the hell? Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds]: Douche.

Roger: [rising up in a Zeppelin] You'll never catch me, Smith! [Stan is right next to him] You just climbed right up the ropes, didn't you? I specifically said, retractable ropes!

Oedipal Panties [3.11]

Betty: I don't understand. We had such a good time on our first two dates. Then we were at the movies. He went to get popcorn and never came back. I had to watch the whole thing by myself. Adam Sandler had a remote control, I didn't know what was happening.

Stan: Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.

[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?

Stan: Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!
Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?
Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!
Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.

[as Stan and Francine are making out]
Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.

[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!

Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold [3.15]

Spring Break Up [3.16]

Jessie: Stan, What are you doing here?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Carmen Electra: While our producers sort this out I would like to make an announcement, Steve Smith, I flew my doctor in on my private jet and I had them removed! They're all real baby! So come and get it!
Steve: Yeah!
[stage collapses and crushes Carmen Electra]
Steve: Noooooo!
Female Spring Breaker: Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!
Male Spring Breaker: Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.

Unknown Episode

See Also

External Links

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