Stargate Atlantis/Season 2

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In oratory the will must predominate.
David Hare
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The Siege, Part 3 [2.01]

Maj. Sheppard: I'm telling you we've got to send these guys a message. We are not like the Ancients, we're not gonna sit around and wait. If they don't back off, we have the capacity and the will to go kick their asses for a change.

Dr. Weir: Rodney, you can take the rest of the day off.
Dr. McKay: Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find.
Teyla: Shall I just explain to the rest of the Wraith left on the base that you are unavailable to fight?

Col. Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again?
Dr. McKay: It's a city, not a yo-yo.

Dr. Weir: Ok, what are our options?
Dr. McKay: Let me see, we've got quick death, slow death, painful death, cold, lonely death...

The Intruder [2.02]

Hermiod: What are you doing?
Dr. McKay: I'm just checking something—I'm sure it is impossible.
[Types a command into a console. The numbers on the screen change to symbols]
Dr. McKay: Crap!
Hermiod: What did you do?
Dr. McKay: I just ran it through a translation program—it's Wraith.
[Hermiod looks at the screen, then at Dr. Mckay]
Hermiod: 'Crap' indeed.

[Lt. Col. Sheppard stares at Hermiod suspiciously]
Dr. McKay: Don't stare. He hates it when people stare.
Lt. Col Sheppard: [whispers] Am I the only one who thinks it's strange we're working with an alien?
Dr. McKay: Intergalactic hyper drive technology is kind of new to us, so we need his help.
Lt Col Sheppard: Is he supposed to be naked like that?

Lt. Col Sheppard: This is what I do when I'm having problems with my laptop. I turn it off, then I turn it on again.
Dr. Weir: I think it's a little more complicated than that.
Lt. Col Sheppard: I'm just saying— if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard Book of Computer Repair, we're getting desperate.

Runner [2.03]

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Lorne, you get McKay.
Maj. Lorne: Lucky me...

Maj. Lorne: Wow, you must really be some kind of genius.
Dr McKay: Well, as a matter of fact I, wait a minute, why would you say that now?
Maj. Lorne: Something has to have kept Col. Sheppard from shooting you all this time.

[Dr. Beckett to Ronon Dex while operating on him in the open without sedative]
Dr. Beckett: Look, I just wanna say one last time: I really don't think this is a good idea. We're cutting very close to your spinal column here, if you're to flinch...
Ronon: I won't flinch.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: What the hell are you doing?!
Teyla: Getting my hand free.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Didn't feel that way!

Dr. McKay: You can't kill an unarmed, upside down man!

Duet [2.04]

Dr.Beckett: You have a date Rodney? With a woman?
Dr. McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly— Yes, with a woman!

[Sparks fly from a downed Wraith dart, causing Dr. Zelenka to jump in terror]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: First time off world?
Dr. Zelenka: Yes.
Lt Col. Sheppard: Well, if there were any more Wraith, they would have attacked us by now.
Dr. Zelenka: Really?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: If it makes you feel better.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Maybe there's something wrong with him an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.
Dr McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: So he only looks crazy.
Dr. McKay: I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid here was in way over his head!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

[Two white mice had been de-materialized, and re-materialized as black cinders]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color...

Condemned [2.05]

Teyla: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. McKay: Certain countries, yes.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Can we not do this right now?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the DHD?
Dr. McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

Trinity [2.06]

Dr. McKay: This is definitely Ancient design. Their latest stuff. [Blows a large amount of dust of the console] Their latest stuff being ten thousand years old.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Best case scenario?
Dr. McKay: I win a Nobel Prize.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Worst case scenario?
Dr. McKay: We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe. [Sheppard looks horrified] Which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize.

[about Dr. McKay]
Dr. Weir: He really sold you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: He asked me to trust him.

Dr. Weir: You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!
Dr. McKay: Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.
Dr. Weir: Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?!

Instinct [2.07]

Boy: Is it true? You're going to hunt the Deimos?
Dr. McKay: It looks that way.
Boy: I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!
Dr. McKay: [impatient] Well, you heard wrong.
Boy: My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.
Dr. McKay: He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.
Boy: Really?!
Dr. McKay [irritated] Yes. Look - go away!

Lt. Col. Sheppard [On Wraith physiology]: So it's a teenage thing? Pimples, rebellion, life-sucking?
Dr. Beckett: Something like that!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay, stay here and help Beckett.
Dr. McKay: Medical research isn't really my thing.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And hunting the Wraith?
Dr. McKay: Uh, I meant I could stay, and... help... Beckett

Dr. McKay: Never could get into Biology. It's too much information about the human body. One time I took it as an undergraduate, I diagnosed myself with half a dozen separate medical conditions before I had to drop the class.
Dr. Beckett: [preoccupied looking through a microscope] Really?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, believe it or not, back then I was a bit of a hypochondriac.
Dr. Beckett: You know, this does require a bit of concentration.
Dr. McKay: [snarky and obnoxious] What? Am I bothering you?

Conversion [2.08]

[Dr. Beckett is wheeling Col. Sheppard into the Infirmary on a gurney]

Lt. Col. Sheppard: This really isn't necessary, Doc.
Dr. Beckett: Yes it is, you've got a serious laceration on your arm and you've lost a good deal of blood.
Dr. McKay: Well enjoy the ride, Colonel, they're making me walk.
Dr. Beckett: You have a splinter Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Yeah a nasty painful splinter.

[Dr. Beckett and a team of scientists are working on a way to cure Sheppard. Dr. Beckett suggests gene therapy]
Scientist: I have no doubt that we could program the cells if we had them but we don't have the time to artificially create gene therapy of that magnitude without newer cells the only samples we have are from a bug that died over a year a go.
Dr. Beckett: Which means. ladies and gentlemen, that we need to go on an egg hunt.

Dr. McKay: Maybe we should make a diversion.
Maj. Lorne: Are you volunteering?
Dr. McKay: I'll shut up.

[Before entering the cave full of iratus bugs McKay zips his collar up]
Dr. Beckett: You don't seriously think that's gonna help do ya?
Dr. McKay: Well when they see your neck before mine, you won't think it's stupid

later [Dr. Beckett zips up his jacket before going to collect eggs]

Dr. McKay:See not so stupid now is it?
Dr. Beckett: Oh shut up.

Aurora [2.09]

Col. Sheppard [Pointing at Trebal, who is a Wraith in disguise]: That's the Wraith.
Dr McKay: She's the Wraith?
Col Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr McKay: Wow, she's hot. I mean seriously hot.
Col Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith.
Dr McKay: I know, I disgust myself sometimes.

The Lost Boys [2.10]

Lt. Ford: You didn't really buy that 'I want to go home' speech, did you? Always underestimated me, Sheppard. You need to stop doing that. Complete the mission and McKay lives.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan.
Lt. Ford: You said it was a great plan.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You didn't buy the whole “it's a great plan” speech, did you?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off. Now! [Nothing happens] Worth a try.

The Hive [2.11]

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I don't even know your name.
Wraith Queen: In time, you will tell me every...
[Queen stares into space, hisses at Sheppard, then leaves]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Every what? What's wrong?
[Guards take Lt. Col. Sheppard from the room]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: She didn't even tell me her name.

Dr. McKay [After easily beating up two guards, having injected himself with a massive dose of the Wraith enzyme]: And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

Neera: You do not fear them?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now clowns… that's another story. Scare the crap out of me…
Neera: You have fought the Wraith before?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Lots of times. Won some battles; lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.
Neera: And the clowns?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns. We fight them too; entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending `em in!

Dr. McKay: Why aren't you dead?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [irked] It's good to see you too, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: No, no, I mean… well, you know what I mean. Why aren't you… dead?

Epiphany [2.12]

Dr. McKay: Just, um, back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere…. Hey, it's a MALP on a stick; only shows you so much!

Dr. McKay: Col. Sheppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: This is Sheppard. I'm pretty sure you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Dr. McKay: What is it with you and ascended women?!

Critical Mass [2.13]

[Dr. Lee is trying to explain his idea of relaying a message to Atlantis to a room full of SGC personnel]
Dr. Lee: It's—it's the Twilight Bark.
[The audience doesn't get it.]
Dr. Lee: Twilight Bark? 101 Dalmatians? Didn't you guys see that movie? My kids love it, and... Well, okay, so there's all these dogs. And one barks here, one barks here, one— They send the message across the countryside.
[The audience still doesn't get it.]
Dr. Lee: Lord of the Rings!
[People start nodding and smiling]
Dr. Lee: Lord of the Rings. You know when they light all those signal fires on the mountaintops? You all saw that, right?

[Lt. Col. Sheppard walks in to check on Ronon, who is interrogating Dr. Kavanaugh, only to find Kavanaugh lying on the ground, unconscious.]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What did you do to him?
Ronon: Nothing, he fainted before I could touch him.

Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld: I warn you, as a Goa'uld, I now possess the strength of many men.
Ronon: [ominously] It'll be a fair fight then. [Ronon proceeds to easily overpower the Goa'uld]

Dr. McKay: Now, as you know, the Zero Point Module controls the flow of massive amounts of power.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a dam.
Dr. McKay: No, it's not like a dam, it's more like a ...uh...actually, yes, it's like a dam. If you overload the dam, it breaks, which is why the Ancients put in place failsafes to prevent such a thing from happening.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a spillway.
Dr. McKay: Could we just stick with failsafes?

Grace Under Pressure [2.14]

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]
Dr. McKay: I mean, you come in here, you don't help me, you say the one plan I've got is bad, you-you claim to be a creation of my mind and yet you are in no way dressed provocatively!

Dr. McKay: Come on, you're a figment of my imagination. The least you can do is take your top off!
Lt. Col. Carter: Your subconscious mind knows that I would never be into that.
Dr. McKay: You are the worst hallucination ever.

Dr. McKay: I wonder why we never hooked up.
Lt. Col. Carter: What, aside from the fact that you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?
Dr. McKay: ...yes.
Lt. Col. Carter: Nope, that's pretty much it: petty, arrogant, bad with people.
Dr. McKay: Oh. But you do find me attractive?
Lt. Col. Carter: Let’s stick to working on my idea.
Dr. McKay: No, this is my idea.
Lt. Col. Carter: How do you figure?
Dr. McKay: Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. [realizing] Oh, wow! I’m arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren’t I?

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter, who is partially undressed]
Dr. McKay: You're—you're not physically here. You can't transfer any heat.
Lt. Col. Carter: Doesn't mean I can't get you hot.

[After Zelenka realizes Sheppard wants him to go underwater in the puddlejumper with him to save McKay]
Dr. Zelenka: Oh! No-no-no-no-no-no – I cannot possibly ... uh, no.
Dr. Weir: Radek.
Dr. Zelenka: I-I ... I can't even swim!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: There's not a lot of swimming under a thousand feet of ocean.
Dr. Weir: (to Radek) Look, I'm not gonna order you to go.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I will! [Elizabeth shoots him a look]
Dr. Weir: All I'm saying is that if Rodney can't turn to you, who can he turn to?
Dr. Zelenka: [thinks for several seconds] Right. Give me a few minutes and I'll get my gear.

The Tower [2.15]

Lt. Col. Sheppard: They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.
Dr. McKay: I don't see why not!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: We got the drones, we got a few jumpers; I even got the girl.
Dr. Weir: You got the girl?
Lt. Colonel Sheppard: Well, I mean I could have got the girl. I turned her down.
Dr. Weir: [smiling] What did you offer them in return for the drones and the jumpers?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: A supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help `em come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.
Dr. Weir: They didn't offer you king?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I turned that down too!

The Long Goodbye [2.16]

Dr McKay: You two need some very serious marriage counselling.
Dr Weir: (taken over by the subconscious of Phoebus) He’s not my husband, he is the enemy. Drop your weapon.
[McKay drops the sidearm]
Dr Weir: Now radio security and tell them everything’s fine.
Dr Beckett: Everything’s not fine.
[Weir stuns Beckett and aims the stunner at Rodney]
Dr McKay: Security, this is Rodney McKay. Everything’s fine, never been better. Colonel Caldwell was kidding when he said, what he said...
Dr Weir: Oh forget it.
[Weir stuns McKay]

Dr Weir: (over comm) Thaelin, the second I find you, you die.
Dr Beckett: Well, they're on the road to divorce.

[Lights are out and Beckett is about to operate on Ronon]
Dr Beckett: Bloody dark ages

Coup d'Etat [2.17]

Ladon: I'll only talk to Weir.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Do I make you nervous.
Ladon: Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.
Dr. McKay: Yes.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.
Dr. McKay: Oh, funny.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Don't worry. If you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission… eventually.

Ronon: Sheppard's on the list; McKay is on the list. Why aren't Teyla and me?
Dr. Weir: What, you're feeling left out?
Ronon I just wanna know who thinks I'm not a threat and give 'em a chance to change their mind.

Michael [2.18]

Dr. McKay: [to a commissary employee] Ah. Hey, what happened to the, um, to the blue jello? My favourite, all of a sudden it’s off the menu. What gives?

Inferno [2.19]

Lt. Col. Sheppard: It took Dr. McKay years to figure out all things Ancient and he still doesn't completely understand.
Dr. McKay: [defensively] I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: That wasn't my fault!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, it didn't do it by itself!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...
Dr. Weir: Hot?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I was gonna say "attractive." But McKay is acting kinda...
Dr. Weir: Smitten?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I was gonna say "pathetic."

Dr. McKay: And I have, uh, discovered the ship's name. [he looks at his computer tablet] It's the, um, Hipapheralkus.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The what?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, well, it appears to have been named after an Ancient general, Hipapheralkus.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, we're not calling it that!
Dr. McKay: Oh good. Then what about, um ...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And we're not calling it the Enterprise either!

Dr. McKay: We don't need to go far. [Twirling his finger in the air] Any old orbit will do!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And then what?
Dr. McKay: [as sarcastically as humanly possible] Well, then, Norena and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy ...
Norena: Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Well, what does he mean, "Then what"?! Then we won't die horribly!

Dr. Beckett: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?
Dr. McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's the plan?
Dr. McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That plan sucks!

Allies [2.20]

Dr. Weir: Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.
Dr. McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I like everything! Can we do it or not?
Dr. McKay: Well, don't get up! Shields! Yes. Jump into position? Mmmmaybe. Release the drones. [crew member shakes her head] Probably not.

Dr. Zelenka: Explosives, yes, yes. Uh, the problem with an explosive delivery system is that, because the drug is now an aerosol, a third of the tests ignited the medication [he and Dr. Beckett laugh nervously] rendering it useless.
Dr. Beckett: They call it flashing! [he briefly opens his lab coat at the Wraith]

Dr. McKay: They didn't need you on the Daedalus?
Hermiod: Col. Caldwell believed my time was better spent disabling their jamming code.
Dr. McKay: Huh! So, they can fly that ship without you.
Hermiod: Yes. But apparently you cannot run these tests without me.