Stargate SG-1/Season 4

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Stargate SG-1 Season 4 (2000-2001)

Small Victories [4.1]

Col. O'Neill: Where's the fanfare, General?
Maj. Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Again. This should not get old, General.
Gen. Hammond: Job well done.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, sir. It was nothing.

Col. O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Gen. Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Col. O'Neill: [to Jackson, quietly] Bad?
Dr. Jackson: I wasn't going to say anything.

Maj. Carter: Sir, if there are still a small enough number of replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly…
Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically] Save the world?
Maj. Carter: Getting old for you, sir?

Dr. Jackson: [to Thor] Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
Col. O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.
Gen. Hammond: Thor, with all due respect to your situation we need SG-1 here.
Maj. Carter: I could go, sir.
Col. O'Neill: I don't know, Carter. You may not be dumb enough.

Maj. Carter: We did it!
Thor: It was your stupid idea.

Thor: [referring to the Asgard form of food] I like the yellow ones.
Maj. Carter: [eating one of the yellow pieces, then recoiling in disgust] Oh, my God!

Samuels: Los Angeles firing.
(A submerged Los Angeles class submarine fires underwater sending two torpedoes streaking from its forward torpedo tubes)
Samuels: Black Bird trying to evade. Torpedoes still on target.

Maj. Carter: [referring to the Replicators] We kicked their asses!
Col. O'Neill: They had asses?

The Other Side [4.2]

Maj. Carter: Sir, this is the fourth incoming wormhole in the last hour and a half.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, I'm here two hours early. When did you get in?
Maj. Carter: Actually, sir, I never left.
Col. O'Neill: Didn't I order you to get a life?

Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Jackson: The one that says I have misgivings about this mission but deep down I know we're doing the right thing?
Col. O'Neill: No, the other one.
Dr. Jackson: Oh.

Col. O'Neill: Next time I tell you to shut up...!
Dr. Jackson: I didn't hear you tell me to shut up.
Col. O'Neill: Too subtle for ya?
Dr. Jackson: Well, for once, yes. Would you hear me out?
Col. O'Neill: Carter, our standing orders, what are they?
Maj. Carter: To seek new allies and procure technologies to aid in the defense against the Goa'uld.
Col. O'Neill: And have we carried out those orders?
Dr. Jackson: We came here to help them!
Teal'c: Is that not what we are doing, Daniel Jackson?
Dr. Jackson: No. Their whole world is in flames and we are offering them gasoline. How is that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Col. O'Neill: [to Teal'c] Thank you!
Dr. Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
Col. O'Neill: Well, stop it! It's not fair to Teal'c.

Col. O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Col. O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Upgrades [4.3]

Anise: You may call me Anise.
Dr. Jackson: Anise?
Anise: It means "Noble Strength".
Dr. Jackson: I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
Col. O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means... What's in the box?

Anise: Your strength is five times that of a normal human.
Col. O'Neill: So, no increase then.

Dr. Jackson: I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!
Anise: What did you find?
Dr. Jackson: Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

Waitress: What can I get you?
Col. O'Neill: Uh, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and a baked potato.
Waitress: You got it! [She starts to walk off.]
Col. O'Neill: Excuse me… that was for me!
[The waitress looks skeptical]
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm going to have three as well.
Col. O'Neill: Four?
Dr. Jackson: Four… Four is good.
Maj. Carter: Me too, and french fries with mine… oh and a diet soda!
[O'Neill and Jackson give her a funny look]
Maj. Carter: [defensively] I like the taste better!

[SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]
Maj. Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
Dr. Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
Maj. Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.

Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

Gen. Hammond: The report said there was a brawl!
Col. O'Neill: More of a scuffle, sir.
Gen. Hammond: You're lucky you didn't kill any of those men!
Col. O'Neill: No, we were very careful about that, General.

Col. O'Neill: Should have brought more snacks.

Col. O'Neill: Just remember, I retired. You wanted me back.

Col. O'Neill: General, sir, about the obviously impending court martials...
Gen. Hammond: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Col. O'Neill: Even so, I'm sorry.
Maj. Carter: Me too.
Dr. Jackson: Me three.
Teal'c: I have no need to apologize.
Gen. Hammond: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Col. O'Neill: Of course he was.

Crossroads [4.4]

Col. O'Neill: Well, I guess now we can go back and tell General Hammond that the Tok'ra boned us again!

[Stargate is engaged offworld and Bra'tac's IDC is received. Instead of Bra'tac a young woman steps out of the Stargate]
Col. O'Neill: Bra'tac... you've done something with your hair!

Teal'c: O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: Master Teal'c.
Teal'c: I am in need of your assistance.
Col. O'Neill: I'm here to serve!

Dr. Jackson: Egeria, Roman goddess of fountains.
Col. O'Neill: Fountains?
Dr. Jackson: Also childbirth.
Col. O'Neill: How do those two go together?
Dr. Jackson: It doesn't matter. She was also adviser to Numa Pompilius, a legendary ruler.
Anise: Correct, Dr Jackson. Egeria came to the Tau'ri to stop the Goa'uld from taking humans through the Stargate as slaves. Ra found her and killed her, but not before she had spawned our movement.
Maj. Carter: Literally?
Anise: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Thanks for the image.

Col. O'Neill: You know this whole talking to two people in one body thing really sucks

[Teal'c has just explained how he is going to stop his heart to communicate with his symbiote]
Col. O'Neill: Is it dangerous?
Dr. Jackson: Jack, he's stopping his heart.
Col. O'Neill: I mean for us!

Divide and Conquer [4.5]

Freya: Anise, my symbiote, is far more interested in Dr. Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer.
Col. O'Neill: Look, there are so many reasons this is wrong... and weird... and wrong? Did I mention wrong?
Freya: Is it because I share my body with Anise?
Col. O'Neill: For starters.
Freya: Do you not find me attractive?
Col. O'Neill: Oh, you're...

Col. O'Neill: She made a pass at me
Dr. Jackson: [confused] Sam?
Col. O'Neill: Anise, Freya, one of them.
Dr. Jackson: Really?
Col. O'Neill: The host half.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, that's odd.
Col. O'Neill: You're tellin' me. Odd timing, too, don't ya think?
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Apparently, the snake likes you.
Dr. Jackson: Really? [watches as O'Neill plays with a yo-yo] You know, I think these are the Jack O'Neill moments I'll probably miss the most.
Col. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: What?

Col. O'Neill: I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter.
Anise: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to.

Col. O'Neill: That's when your genius armbands stopped working.

Window of Opportunity [4.6]

Col. O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else?
Dr. Jackson: Where?
Col. O'Neill: Some planet.
Dr. Jackson: When?
Col. O'Neill: Just now.
Dr. Jackson: No.
Col. O'Neill: Sure?
Dr. Jackson: Yeah.

Col. O'Neill: We've done this!
Dr. Jackson: We do this every day.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; I'm talking about this day.
Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Dr. Jackson: Since when?
Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.
Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.
Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

[O'Neill correctly sums up what Carter was about to say]
Col O'Neill: Now, how did I know you were going to say that?
Maj. Carter: Maybe you read my report?
Dr. Jackson: [more than a little skeptically] Maybe he read your report?

Col O'Neill: Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man!?
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

Col. O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Dr. Jackson: Uh, I do.
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.

[Col. O'Neill is undergoing a medical examination. Dr. Frasier checks his pupils with a penlight.]
Col. O'Neill I ask you. What could possibly be in my eye that could explain this?!

Teal'c: O'Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?
Col. O'Neill: I'm taking this loop off.
[Col. O'Neill starts spraying an empty plate with ketchup and mustard.]
Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.
[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]
Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. [increasingly agitatedly] No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [O'Neill holds up his plate, which now has a crazed smiley face on it] WACKO!

Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.

[At the beginning of every time loop, a man accidentally slams a door into Teal'c's face]
Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.
Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.
Man: I -- I -- what?
Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
[later loop.]
[Door slams into Teal'c's again.]
Man: Sorry sir I...Woah!
[Teal'c slams door shut on the man then walks away with a smirk.]

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are driving golf balls (in full golf clothing) through the Stargate while it is connected to Alaris.]
Col. O'Neill: How far is Alaris, anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Later, Col. O'Neill is preparing to drive, positions club...]
Gen. Hammond: [offstage, over the speaker] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?!
Col. O'Neill: [frustrated, shouting] In the middle of my back swing?!

Gen. Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
Col. O'Neill: Handing you my resignation.
Maj. Carter: [shocked] Resigning? What for?
Col. O'Neill: So I can do this. [kisses Carter]

Dr. Jackson: I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy oatmeal so much.
Col. O'Neill: When you've been eating Froot Loops for who knows how long, a little variety helps.
Maj. Carter: We got a message from the Tok'ra. Apparently they've been trying to contact us for over three months.
Col. O'Neill: Really?
Maj. Carter: Who knows when they first realized we were cut off? I mean, there's really no telling how much time passed.
Dr. Jackson: Let me ask you something. In all the time you were…looping, were you ever tempted to…do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything without worrying about consequences.
Col. O'Neill: You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before.

Col. O'Neill: You know what they say, General. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try again.

Dr. Jackson: Are you ok? Or are you just trying to avoid answering my question?

Watergate [4.7]

Col. O'Neill: How do you know that?
Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on each of you.
Col. O'Neill: How?
Dr. Markov: I learned to read English when I was six. It was not difficult.
Col. O'Neill: …Russian humor.

Col. O'Neill: If I say "What?" and you say "It's classified," I'm gonna shoot you.

Dr. Markov: If you're implying that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss.
Dr. Jackson: So it occasionally catches fire but keeps perfect time? [pause] Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.
Dr. Markov: The gauge must be malfunctioning.
Dr. Jackson: But it's Swiss.

Col. O'Neill: [upon seeing the frozen Maybourne] Holy frozen bad guy!

Teal'c: Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
Col. O'Neill: Usually.
[The frozen Mayborne breathes out]
Col. O'Neill: They usually don't breathe when they're dead either.

Dr. Jackson: Can we stop agreeing on how we're going to die and start doing something about it?

[About parachuting from a plane]
Teal'c: This does not seem wise, O'Neill!
Col. O'Neill: I said it was easy, not wise.

[gate begins dialing]'
Col. O'Neill: I think we should...DUCK!
[gate opens overhead.]

The First Ones [4.8]

[Chaka is dragging a captured and exhausted Jackson through the woods]
Dr. Jackson: Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]
Chaka: [glares]
Dr. Jackson: Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."
Chaka: [growls]
Dr. Jackson: That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

Dr. Rothman: It's not my thing.
Col. O'Neill: What isn't?
Dr. Rothman: People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

[Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]
Col. O'Neill: Okay, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]
Col. O'Neill: Damn!

Teal'c: Trust in me, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

Dr. Jackson: Kaa kedka!
Maj. Carter: What did you just say?
Dr. Jackson: I think I just asked him not to kill me.
Col. O'Neill: And he's buying that?
Dr. Jackson: No, I don't think so.

[Chaka is trying to get Daniel to eat.]
Chaka: Nan!
Dr. Jackson: Ka.
Chaka: Nan.
Dr. Jackson: Ka.
Chaka: Nan.
Dr. Jackson: Ka.
Chaka: Nan.
Dr. Jackson: Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote head, that's very, very popular. Very, very interesting...Yes, all the kids are doing this...
[Dr. Jackson throws the symbiote head into the fire.]
Dr. Jackson: Uh! Look out... it's in the fire!

Col. O'Neill: Took you long enough!
Teal'c: You are welcome O'Neill.

Scorched Earth [4.9]

Col. O'Neill: Hey, what have you got?
Maj. Carter: Then analysis of the atmosphere in the wake of the ship shows a high incidence of Sulphur Dioxide.
Col. O'Neill: Chemical warfare?
Maj. Carter: I don’t think so sir. Take a look at this.
Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah! Little fuzzy orange things!
Maj. Carter: They're Microbes, sir...

Maj. Carter: The question is, will they listen?
Col. O'Neill: No, the real question is, will they have ears?

Beneath the Surface [4.10]

Col. O'Neill: I remember something. There was a man. He's bald and wears a short-sleeve shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

Col. O'Neill: I dreamed about mining...naked.

Point of No Return [4.11]

Dr. Jackson: You know I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have donuts or something?

Martin Lloyd: A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate!
Col. O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show…if you're into that sort of thing.

Maj. Carter: Does anyone know what this meeting's about?
Dr. Jackson: No but I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P30-255.
Maj. Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3KA's sensors for long term reconnaissance on P5X-327.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
Col. O'Neill: I was just about to do something important.

Martin Lloyd: Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?
Col. O'Neill: The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.
Martin Lloyd: I knew it!
Col. O'Neill: But it has nothing to do with space travel.
Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with?
Col. O'Neill: Magnets!
Martin Lloyd: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Col. O'Neill: No…I've already said too much!

Martin Lloyd: So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!
Col. O'Neill: You look pretty human to me.

Martin Lloyd: I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.
Col. O'Neill: Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

Dr. Jackson: Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.
Maj. Carter: Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!
Maj. Carter: Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

Col. O'Neill: How do ya lose a spaceship?
Martin Lloyd: Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, there ya go.

Martin Lloyd: You don't understand!
Col. O'Neill: I get that a lot.

[Daniel reading Martin's diary]
"April 12: Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

Martin Lloyd: Don't ya wanna know how I found you?
Col. O'Neill: Uh… OK!
Martin Lloyd: In your car, I notice a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.
Col. O'Neill: There's two!

Martin Lloyd: I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.
Col. O'Neill: Marty I'm not undercover!
Martin Lloyd: You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.
[Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]
Col. O'Neill: Yes… It all makes sense now.

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

Dr. Jackson: But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.
Maj. Carter: Except for the guys with guns!

Man: OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?
Maj. Carter: Who are you?
Man: We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

Dr. Jackson: Oh, that's very good! Did you draw that yourself?
Maj. Carter: What is it?
Dr. Jackson: That… That's a duck, isn't it?

Tangent [4.12]

Major Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce Lieutenant General Vidrine.
General Vidrine: Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: General.
General Vidrine: Major.
Maj. Carter: General.
General Vidrine: Doctor.
Dr. Jackson: General.
General Vidrine: General Hammond has told me nothing but good things.
Jack O'Neill: Has he, Sir? [Joking] Well, then I'm sure he's left something out.
General Vidrine: Such as?
[O'Neill's smile drops]
Jack O'Neill: [Into Radio] Teal'c? Ya there, buddy?

O'Neill: (out of it due to lack of oxygen) Jacob, you know your ships bigger than ours?

General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Jack O'Neill: Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

[Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]
Major Davis: [Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.
Jack O'Neill: Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Maktal shree! Loktak mekta satak...Oz!
Goa'uld (presumably Heru-ur): Maktal Oz?
Dr. Jackson [Over Goa'uld radio]: Maktal Oz, kree!
Goa'uld: Kaltak shree, tal manak!
Jacob: Alright, we're almost finished, Sam's just finishing up.
Dr. Jackson: Uh...that's good 'cause I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Dr. Jackson: The uh...Great and Powerful Oz.

Dr. Jackson: We were hoping you could kinda…um, like…beam them out.
Jacob: Beam them out? What am I, Scotty?

The Curse [4.13]

Teal'c: We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Jack O'Neill: Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.
Gen. Hammond: Incommunicado.
Jack O'Neill: Minnesota, sir.
Gen. Hammond: I stand corrected.
Jack O'Neill: If there's an emergency at the base, better plan ahead and tell me now. If Thor needs me, he's gonna have to beam me up. If the Tok'ra... forget it.

Teal'c: There appears to be no fish in this pond O'Neill
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c. It's not about the fish. It's about fishing... the act of...

The Serpent's Venom [4.14]

Col. O'Neill: [sarcastically, picking up books Jackson dropped] Sure you got everything?
Dr. Jackson: Wanna try to reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
Col. O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
Dr. Jackson: Well, I had one, I just couldn't get Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at, so…
Col. O'Neill: [pushes Jackson's glasses back up his nose]

[Jackson and Carter are reading Jackson's books while O'Neill plays with his watch]
Col. O'Neill: Do you understand any of that?
Maj. Carter: It's all Phoenician to me, Sir.

Maj. Carter: Looks like a circle with a cross in it.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, that could be it.
Maj. Carter: Okay, what do I do?
Jacob: Pretty sure you touch it.
Col. O'Neill: Pretty sure???
Jacob: Last time a Tok'ra was sent to attempt this we never heard from him again.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's news!
[Carter stares at her father, seemingly a bit scared]
Dr. Jackson: No, i think that's it.
Maj. Carter: You THINK?
Dr. Jackson: Okay I'm... I'm sure that's it.
[Carter slightly approches her finger to the mine]
Col. O'Neill: HEY!
Dr. Jackson: No, no, sorry. Uh, that's it, i'm sure.

[Carter and Jackson are trying to reprogram a mine]
Maj. Carter: Uh, it's flashing green. Green is good?
Dr. Jackson: No.
Maj. Carter: Bad?
Dr. Jackson: Bad.
Maj. Carter: How bad?
Dr. Jackson: Very, very bad.
Maj. Carter: DAD!

[Carter and Jackson are trying to deactivate the mine from exploding in the Cargo ship]
Jacob: Try!
Maj. Carter: What does Selmak say?
Jacob: Try again!
[Jackson stares at Jacob, blinking]
Dr. Jackson: Very helpful, thanks!

Chain Reaction [4.15]

Teal'c: On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle it is custom to sing a song of lament. Fortunately we are not on Chulak.

Col. O'Neill: I see you're on that famous Beer and Mustard Diet. How's that working out for ya?

Maj. Carter: So what do we know about this new guy?
Col. O'Neill: Not much.
Dr. Jackson: I hope he's not a spit-and-polish, brass tacks...
Col. O'Neill:[Interrupts him] Hard-ass?
Dr. Jackson: I was building up to that

A few moments later after Major General Bauer introduced himself to the SGC Personnel

Col. O'Neill: Always leave 'em wanting more... I guess.

Col. O'Neill: May I remind you that if it weren't for SG-1, you'd be sitting here with a snake in your head instead of your head up your ass.

Col. O'Neill: [to Mrs. Kinsey] Afternoon ma'am. I'm Mr. Starsky and this is…Hutch (referring to Maybourne).

Col. O'Neill: I'm not leaving until I get what I came for.
Sen. Kinsey: Oh, and what are you going to do?
Col. O'Neill: [pulls a gun on Kinsey] Well, I was thinkin' about shootin' ya.

Sen. Kinsey: Colonel, have you completely taken leave of your senses?
Col. O'Neill: I've been hanging around Maybourne. What does that say?
Sen. Kinsey: How dare you come into my house waving a gun!
Col. O'Neill: Not waving. Pointing.
Col. O'Neill: I'll give you a choice. White meat, or dark meat

Jack: [after entering Maybourne's apartment] Have you heard of Ikea?

Sen. Kinsey: Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote, and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
Col. O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.

2010 [4.16]

Dr. Jackson: Uh... the sun's beeping.

[Teal'c and another Jaffa are attempting to pass through a security checkpoint, but the guard tells them to hand over their staff weapons]
Teal'c: We carry these for ceremonial purposes only.
Guard: I'm sorry, but you'll have to let me have it.
Teal'c: Very well. [shoots the guard]

Maj. Carter: So this is the place you kept threatening to take me. It's good to see you, sir.
Col. O'Neill: I'm retired, Carter. Lose the "sir".

Maj. Carter: It turns out we made a mistake. A big one.
Col. O'Neill: Which one? We made a few.
Maj. Carter: Our alliance with the Aschen.
Col. O'Neill: Oh, that. Not working out, is it? Gosh, I wish I'd seen that coming. Oh, wait…I did see that coming.

[Sgt. Harriman leaves the briefing room, pretending he didn't see SG-1 planning there]
Maj. Carter: Thank you.
Dr. Jackson: Thank you.
Sgt. Harriman: Thursday.

Absolute Power [4.17]

[Daniel Jackson introduces Gen. Hammond to Shifu, the Harsesis child]
Gen. Hammond: Welcome to Earth.
Shifu: A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.
Col. O'Neill: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?
Dr. Jackson: Don't look at me.
Col. O'Neill: It's right, though? Right?

Maj. Carter: Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra.
Col. O'Neill:[annoyed] Did we really have to call them?

Shifu: If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.
Dr. Jackson: The music does not play the musician.
Shifu: Normally there is truth in that.
Dr. Jackson: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

Dr. Jackson: Something on your mind?
Col. O'Neill: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.
Dr. Jackson: What about it?
Col. O'Neill: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?
Dr. Jackson: Actually, the Pentagon.

Shifu: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dr. Jackson: Oma teach you that?
Shifu: Television.
Dr. Jackson: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

Shifu: Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious,
Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

[Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]
Maj. Carter: I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.
Col. O'Neill: Because they think you're nuts.

The Light [4.18]

Major Carter: What are we looking for?
Col. O'Neill: The 'off' switch.

Dr. Jackson: What is wrong with this thing? This thing isn't working.
Col. O'Neill: Did you check the batteries?

Daniel: From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.
Teal'c: Then it is most likely I will be able to leave this planet.
Col. O'Neill: Oh how nice for you.

Col. O'Neill: [enters Loran's room] Nice digs. Kind of reminds me of my first apartment. How are the people upstairs?

Col. O'Neill: How long were we standing here?
Daniel: I'm not sure. Long enough to figure out how to translate the writings on this thing, so...
Col. O'Neill: That long?
Daniel: Yeah, well, perception of time is one of the first things to go when you're... high.

Teal'c: [Holding up a toy gun]It would appear this weapon is ineffective.

Major Carter: Be a good excuse for you.
Col. O'Neill: Huh?
Major Carter: To do nothing for a while.
Col. O'Neill: What?
Major Carter: Forget it.
Col. O'Neill: That would be forget it SIR.
Major Carter: Oh please, you think I'm keeping that up if we're stuck here forever?
Col. O'Neill: Listen Major.
Major Carter: No way.
Col. O'Neill: That's no way COLONEL.
Major Carter: I'm supposed to accept that. That's the way it's gonna be?
Col. O'Neill: That's the way it is.
Major Carter: What difference does it make. It's not up to you.
Col. O'Neill: Carter! You're in withdrawal.
Major Carter: Oh I'm in withdrawal?
Col. O'Neill: Yes. So am I.

Prodigy [4.19]

Teal'c: Are you ready, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: I am going to shoot you.
Col. O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "on three." One—
[Teal'c shoots O'Neill with a Zat'nik'tel. O'Neill falls to the floor]
Col. O'Neill: [in pain] Two!...God, I said on three. God.

Col. O'Neill: I'd like to talk to you about this mission upon which we're about to embark. It seems... a bit ridiculous, doesn't it?
[A few moments later]
Col. O'Neill: So what brings you to our little secret base, sir?
Gen. Ryan: That would be the ridiculous mission you just mentioned.
[A few moments later]
Gen. Hammond: Anything else, Colonel?
Col. O'Neill: No, sir. Well, actually, I'd like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this...very important mission.

Hamilton: Colonel O'Neill doesn't have a clue what we're trying to accomplish here, he's too busy polishing his M16.
Col. O'Neill: Actually, it's a P90.

Hamilton: When I agreed to this assignment I was under the impression that I was going to be in charge.
Col. O'Neill: You are in charge. Of the other scientists.

Maj. Carter: What were you thinking, breaking the nose of an upperclassman like that?
Cadet Hailey: Aim high?

[Carter and Hailey come through the Stargate as O'Neill greets them]
Maj. Carter: Sir, I'd like you to meet Cadet Hailey.
Col. O'Neill: Cadet. Welcome to 862. How was your trip?
Cadet Hailey: [in shock] It was a...a trip, sir.
Col. O'Neill: It always is.

Cadet Hailey: I've been going over Dr. Thompson's astronomical observations. Did you know this moon wasn't even formed from the original accretion disk of the planet?
Col. O'Neill: No, but I suspected.

Entity [4.20]

Col. O'Neill: [To Teal'c] You look tense.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'd say anxious.
Teal'c: I am neither tense nor anxious. Perhaps concerned.

Gen. Hammond: What's it doing? [About the MALP]
Maj. Carter: Flying, sir.
Col. O'Neill: MALPs can't fly.
Dr. Jackson: Apparently they can.
Col. O'Neill: Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Dr. Jackson: They may be trying to communicate.
Col. O'Neill: They?
Dr. Jackson: Well, whoever they are.
Col. O'Neill: Exactly.
Dr. Jackson: What?

Col. O'Neill: Any idea what that was?
Maj. Carter: None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.
Dr. Fraiser: Yeah, after I treat this hand.
Maj. Carter: As soon as I get the systems up…
Dr. Fraiser: It is a very bad burn, Sam.
Maj. Carter: Five minutes.
Dr. Fraiser: Now!
Col. O'Neill: Do as the Doctor says.
Maj. Carter: Yes, Sir.
Dr. Fraiser: Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.
Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: What? We're…I'm fine.
Dr. Fraiser: Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.
Col. O'Neill: Who put her in charge?
Gen. Hammond: The US Air Force.
Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not getting all my memos.

Gen. Hammond: Teal'c, do you recognize any of this?
Teal'c: I do not, General Hammond.
Gen. Hammond Daniel?
Daniel i don't recognize it either
Col. O'Neill: Nope, neither do I. [Everyone looks at him] I'm just saying.

Col. O'Neill: [About the real time transmission by the alien lifeform on the screen] Do I look fat?

Col. O'Neill: [To the security camera controlled by the alien] Come here often?

Col. O'Neill: [O'Neill is moving in front of the camera, the camera is following his moves] I think it likes me.

Siler: Stand by for a base wide systems power down. Powering down.
Col. O'Neill: [everything shuts down and the camera stops following O'Neill] Hey!

Col. O'Neill: Carter! Emergency lighting?
Maj. Carter: In the MALP room, yes, sir, a small power usage anomaly. General Hammond said we should check it out before we resume normal operations.
Col. O'Neill: Forget to change a light bulb, Siler?
Siler: Not my job, sir. Yes sir, light bulb, very amusing.

Dr. Jackson: It's obviously fighting to survive.
Col. O'Neill: So do bacteria.
Maj. Carter: It's trying to communicate.
Col. O'Neill: So do bact…

[Hammond walks in and sees the Entity's construction]
Gen. Hammond: What in God's name?!
Col. O'Neill: Well, General, whatever got into our computers apparently has built a nest.

Double Jeopardy [4.21]

Maj. Carter: What's wrong Harlan?
Harlan: Oh please yes, it is a very big emergency. You must help... you.

Gen. Hammon: Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
Col. O'Neill: Yes sir.
Gen. Hammond: Then it would seem your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

Maj. Carter: Receiving MALP telemetry.
Col. O'Neill: [O'Neill's clone is seen on the screen] Whoa. I'll never get used to that.
Gen. Hammond: This is General Hammond of the SGC.
Clone O'Neill: Hey George, how you doing? Who else you got there with you?
Gen. Hammond: Major Carter, Teal'c, Colonel O'Neill and Harlan.
Clone O'Neill: Harlan! I told you to stay away from Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, I told you to bury your Gate.
Clone O'Neill: Well you seem to think that solves a lot of problems dontcha?

Clone O'Neill: Earth. George Hammond and the other SG-1.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! You're the other, pal.

Col. O'Neill: You gave me your word!
Clone O'Neill: (scoffs) Is this the first time you've lied to yourself? I told you what you wanted to hear. And what were you going to do, destroy me?
Col. O'Neill: I might have.

(Clone O'Neill and Col. O'Neill are fighting, and wrestling.)

Maj. Carter: Sirs! As much as I'd like to see how this turns out, we have a job to do.

Exodus [4.22]

[SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak teleport with the ring transporter to the base of the Tok'ra, from a Ha'tak Mother ship they've just landed on the planet]
Col. O'Neill: Hey, kids. We're not parked in a red zone, are we?

Tanith: I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by your means of arrival.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, it's a sweet ride. A little rusty, but it's still got zip.
Tanith: How exactly did a Goa'uld mothership come into your possession?
Col. O'Neill: Well, it was kind of a trade deal.
Tanith: How so?
Col. O'Neill: Cronus gave us his ship... and he got what was coming to him.

Tanith: I do not understand. Why have I been excluded from such important information?
Teal'c: The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.

[Some Tok'ra a transporting a stash]
Jacob: Take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! Don't scuff the walls.

Col. O'Neill: I want the ship back the way we found it.
Jacob: We know, Jack. I still don't think it's necessary for you to be here.
Col. O'Neill: Sorry. Not lettin' her out of my sight.
Jacob: My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?
Col. O'Neill: Protect Earth's big, fat asset. We've got 1 ,000 engineers and scientists just droolin' to go through this thing.
Jacob: You really think that's wise?
Col. O'Neill: Don't start with me, Jake.
Jacob: Remember when you tried to retrofit a death glider?
Col. O'Neill: Yes, I have that memory.
Jacob: This is vastly more complicated.
Col. O'Neill: Which is exactly why we're "Ioaning" it to you in exchange for flying lessons.
Jacob: You know what I mean. Leave the ship with us.
Col. O'Neill: Not a chance.
Jacob: You have no idea how dangerous this thing is.
Col. O'Neill: Hey! We were smart enough to steal it in the first place, which is more than the Tok'ra could do.

[The Tok'ra base is under attack]
Col. O'Neill: This is so the last time I help someone move.

[about Tanith]
Col. O'Neill: That guy is a living cliché.

Maj. Carter: This is the sun Vorash is orbiting.
Jacob: We want to blow it up.
Col. O'Neill: Wow...
Dr. Jackson: That's uh...
O'Neill and Jackson: Ambitious.

[Carter is about to throw the Stargate from the Ha'tak to the sun]
[Maj. Carter exhales]
Col. O'Neill: Something wrong?
Maj. Carter: No. I've just never blown up a star before.
Col. O'Neill: Well, they say the first one's always the hardest. I say that.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figure that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says, "Warning! Warning!"

Teal'c: The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.
Col. O'Neill: Ah that's good because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of…nowhere. Give or take.