Steve Martin

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Love is the river of life in the world.
Henry Ward Beecher
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Comedy is not pretty.

Stephen Glenn Martin (born 14 August 1945) is an American comedian, writer, actor, musician and composer.


  • The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
    • As "Navin R. Johnson" in The Jerk (1979)
  • All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: 'Dead men don't wear plaid.' Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
    • As "Rigby Reardon" in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
  • You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
    • As "Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr" in The Man with Two Brains (1983)
  • A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
    • As Harris K. Telemacher in "L.A. Story" (1991)
  • Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
    • As Harris K. Telemacher in "L.A. Story" (1991)
  • Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
    • Hosting the 2001 Academy Awards
  • I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
    • Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Academy Awards
  • It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
  • I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience laughs, repeats) Good!
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk. Never at dusk.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • I don't think I'd believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my Lucky Astrology Mood Watch.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.
    • Comedy album Let's Get Small
  • (Audience member): What's your mood watch say?
  • (Martin): Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
    • Introducing the film editing award at the Oscars.
  • Comedy is not pretty.
    • Comedy album "Comedy is Not Pretty"


  • First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  • I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
  • I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
  • I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them
  • Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
  • There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
  • Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!
  • What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

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