Happiness is understanding that friendship is more precious than mere things, more precious than getting your own way, more precious than being in situations where true principles are not at stake.J. Donald Walters
- Victor: Consider this: Yir warm noo, but how's it gonnae be in a wee stoany jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up, but a hot boabie - RIGHT up yir arse!
- Bobby: Oh, here they come. Abbott and Costello. You're putting the beef on, Jack.
- Jack: Aye, that's right. Everytime I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich.
- Jack: (Making phrases to win a scone competition) Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone
- Victor: Having tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. Keep your pies and fancy cakes....
- Jack and Victor: ...and stick them up your shitter.
- Jack: Good morning, Doctor
- Victor: (Speaks to pretend intercomm) Hold all calls, Linda
- Jack: Linda?
- Victor: I had to let Agnus go, she was an arsehole
- Jack: Oh shame, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement
- Victor: Too bad, I call the shots. Now what is wrong with you?
- Jack: I'm depressed... I cannot be arsed with anyone or anything
- Victor: Well, it sounds like your depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye
- Jack: How?
- Victor: 'cause I just geed the rest o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade
- Bobby: Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!
- Jack: Shut it Boabby. You're the only fag in here
- Victor: Jack and me are going back to school.
- Boabby: Its Jack and I.
- Jack: No, its me and Victor.
- Pete the Jakey: Ladies and gentleman, Shug and two Polis.
- Jack: When life hands you melons, make melonade.
- Victor: Lemons, Jack.
- Boabby: One more thing.. don't take ANY pish off them. I never do.
- Eric: Hullo Boabby. You look a prize wanker.
- Winston: (posing as owner of The Clansman) I'll also be getting rid of ma stack o' hardcore porny books. I've read them all noo anyway, and I'm getting too auld for the chuggin'
- Bobby: Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies.
- Victor: The two Ronnies is it, aye? Well then, it's shut-up-ya-prick fae me...
- Jack: ...and its shut-up-ya-prick frae him!
Who's The Daddy?
- Eric: Pint o lager boabby
- Boabby: shut yer hole, ye dick.
- Navid: ( To Isa ) You look like Braveheart! "They can take our lives, but they'll never take our handbags!"
- Jack: (Navid talking about losing business to a rival shop) You've still got us
- Navid: Aye, but let's face it. Your old. Decreped. You'll be deed within six months. Now, what can I get ye.
- Jack: Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!
- Ned: Feechees.
- Jack: Feechees to you too. Are you helpin us or whit?
- Ned: Naw. A tenner fae each o yeez.
- Jack: What aboot John Wayne?
- Victor: John Wayne's an arsehole Jack.
- Jack: Eh?
- Victor: Aye he was an arsehole in the Sands of Iowa Jima tae.