That '70s Show

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What then in love can woman do? If we grow fond they shun us. And when we fly them, they pursue: But leave us when they've won us.
John Gay
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That '70s Show (1998 - 2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.


Season 1

That '70s Pilot [1.1]

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Eric's Birthday [1.2]

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Streaking [1.3]

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting.
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

Midge: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.
Donna: MOM, eww!
Midge: No, not that. I love that. I meant like fishing.

Battle of the Sexists [1.4]

Jackie: I'm waiting.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. (pause) You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. (winces)
Jackie: Thank you!

Eric: I'll leave the light on, I wouldn't want you to gloat in the dark.

Eric's Burger Job [1.5]

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Kelso: A fashion model. No, a rock star!
Hyde: Prison.

The Keg [1.6]

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomore's gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

That Disco Episode [1.7]

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay. And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part with the accountants.

Drive-In [1.8]

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie: I understand everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

Thanksgiving [1.9]

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore!

Jackie: Donna! Stairs are not gonna stop a high school horndog. Barbed wire will not stop a high school horndog. A wall of fire will not stop a high—
Donna: Jackie, I get it, I get it.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10]

Fez: Goodbye, Eric, I am going home now.
Eric: No, Fez! You haven't met Grandma.
Fez: Oh, hello, Grandma! [He sees her feet] Oh! In my village we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.

Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally. Where have you guys been?
Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat, and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside out.
Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Eric's Buddy [1.11]

Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: Ok, well like what?
Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Fez: My God, with a car like that, you must be knee-deep in whores.

The Best Christmas Ever [1.12]

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?
Laurie: Oh, I'm dating several.
Eric: [coughs] Slut!
Kitty: Bless you.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Ski Trip [1.13]

Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Fez: I am so cold. The snow has stolen my manhood.

Stolen Car [1.14]

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird.

That Wrestling Show [1.15]

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

Red: It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other, like monkeys!

The First Date [1.16]

Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.
Kelso: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.
Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

The Pill [1.17]

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
Donna: I'm really sorry, Eric.
Eric: Yeah, me too.

Jackie: Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.
Eric: Okay then well, good luck with that.

Career Day [1.18]

Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?
Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Prom Night [1.19]

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Kelso: NO, ME!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.
Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

A New Hope [1.20]

Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Bob: [about Eric fighting David] Hit him with a banjo!
Red: A banjo, Bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Water Tower [1.21]

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—
Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Hyde: Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried.
Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?
Kelso: Yeah, it's funny when friends get hurt.
Hyde: Close enough.

Punk Chick [1.22]

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Grandma's Dead [1.23]

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Red receives the gang at his mother's funeral]
Jackie: I'm really sorry your mom died. It's like ... sad and stuff.
Kelso: Hey! [slaps Red on shoulder] Pretty great funeral, huh? [walks away]
Hyde: [shakes Red's hand] Red, I'm sorry about your Mom, man...and I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.
Fez: Mr Red, always remember...a mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons. [Marty cries]
Red: Have you met my sister Marty?

Hyde Moves In [1.24]

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

The Good Son [1.25]

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

Season 2

Garage Sale [2.1]

[Kitty suggests something Hyde can do at the garage sale]
Kitty: Oh Steven, I have a great idea. You can sell lemonade.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands. Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!
Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.
Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..
Hyde: I'm not much of - brownies. I could make brownies, because [stands] people love brownies!
Eric: No, they don't.
Hyde: Oh, they love MY brownies!

Kelso: Someday I'm gonna own a restaurant and everything's gonna be special. And then when people ask me, "Hey, Kelso, what's the special?" I'm gonna say, "Everything!"

Red's Last Day [2.2]

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Red: Good for you, Steven.
Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

The Velvet Rope [2.3]

Laurie and the Professor [2.4]

Halloween [2.5]

Hyde: Wait, you're 18!
Kelso: Yeah. That's why I seem more mature than you guys.
Hyde: You mean you could have bought us beer this whole time?
Kelso: Well, Eric ruined your life.
Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Fez: An apple? Where is my candy, you son of a bitch?

Vanstock [2.6]

I Love Cake [2.7]

[After realizing Kelso is dressed up like the Fonz]
Eric: So where was I when Fonzie here moved to town.
Kelso: [takes away Eric's slice of pizza] Aaay, give that backamundo.

Sleepover [2.8]

Eric Gets Suspended [2.9]

Red's Birthday [2.10]

Laurie Moves Out [2.11]

Eric's Stash [2.12]

Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

Jackie: [announces to the gang] Guess who's joining the Miss Dairy Princess pageant?
Fez: I know. A cow?

Hunting [2.13]

Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Fez: Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.
Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?
Fez: Nothing.
Bob: [grumbles] Foreigners...

[Eric looking at a deer]
Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest... just like, Bambi's dad. [pause] It's beautiful.
Red: [shoots deer] Yeah and I bet he tastes beautiful too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Red's New Job [2.14]

Burning Down the House [2.15]

The First Time [2.16]

Afterglow [2.17]

Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.

Kitty and Eric's Night Out [2.18]

Donna: Jackie, you are so totally out of form. I can see it in your eyes.
Jackie: Oh my God, oh my God. I LIKE FEZ? NOOOO!!!!! [runs off; Donna can still hear her echoes far away] Noooo!!!!

[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]
Eric: Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.
Eric: Very cool. Good night, mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]
Red: Oh, what'd he do?! I swear I'll kick his ass!

Parents Find Out [2.19]

Red: We all know what you did.
Kitty: No, we don't.
Laurie: [cheering]"I DO!!!"
Eric: Of course you do! You... majored in it!

Kiss of Death [2.20]

Kelso's Serenade [2.21]

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's pretty good. [writes lyrics]
Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much more to learn, my friend.
Kelso: Yeah, I wish Jackie was in control of me. I love being put on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Eric: Uh Kelso, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

[at Aunt Pearl's home, Red tries a way to entertain her along with Kitty and Laurie]
Red: Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!
Aunt Pearl: [enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?
Kitty: [comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.
Aunt Pearl: The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!
Red: Go Bucks.

Jackie Moves On [2.22]

Holy Crap! [2.23]

Red: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?

Pastor Dave: Okay, Laurie, let's see what you have.
[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well, thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Red Fired Up [2.24]

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-
Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -hit my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

Cat Fight Club [2.25]

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Kelso: This is hard, Red!
Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! [Kelso begins to cry] Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso!

[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
Hyde: Where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Moon Over Point Place (1) [2.26]

[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a surprised Donna, and then at her butt]

[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]
Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?

Season 3

Reefer Madness [3.1]

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't THAT just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: [Eric and Hyde "explain" why they did drugs] Oh, don't try that "blaming society" crap on me!

Red Sees Red [3.2]

Hyde's Father [3.3]

Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die [3.4]

Roller Disco [3.5]

Eric's Panties [3.6]

[At Eric's basement, Laurie comes on to Kelso]
Laurie: Hey Kelso! I had a dream about you last night.
Kelso: Really?
Laurie: Yeah, we were doing stuff, it was all hot and sweaty, and I just kept calling your name over and over...[gasps] TATER NUTS! TATER NUTS! [Hyde and Fez laugh]
Kelso: [looks at Laurie during short pause] Then what?

Donna: [To Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done!?
Shelly: Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front. [Eric, Michael, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
Donna: So this is some other girl's panties!?
Kelso: Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna — but dude, you're on fire!
Shelly: You know what Eric, I can't take this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
Midge: Donna, [gets pink panties] those panties are mine.
Kelso: Eric! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
Donna: [sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez: [interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Midge: Donna, when you've been together for as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, apparently cringing at the thought]

Baby Fever [3.7]

Jackie Bags Hyde [3.8]

Hyde's Christmas Rager [3.9]

Ice Shack [3.10]

Who Wants It More? [3.11]

Fez Gets The Girl [3.12]

Dine and Dash [3.13]

Radio Daze [3.14]

Donna's Panties [3.15]

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitt and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Romantic Weekend [3.16]

Kitty's Birthday (That's Today!?) [3.17]

The Trials of Michael Kelso [3.18]

Eric's Naughty No-No [3.19]

Holy Craps! [3.20]

Fez Dates Donna [3.21]

Eric's Drunken Tattoo [3.22]

Canadian Road Trip [3.23]

Backstage Pass [3.24]

The Promise Ring [3.25]

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]
Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you didn't see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Are you giving back that ring?
Donna: I just...
Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]

Season 4

It's A Wonderful Life [4.1]

Alternate Eric: [hears real-life version of himself] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?
Eric: Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.
Angel: I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.
Alternate Eric: No, seriously, you had Donna?
Eric: Look, we broke up. You're much better off.
Alternate Eric: Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]
Eric: Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]

Eric's Depression [4.2]

[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]
Red: There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.
Eric: You got a little Irishness, don't you, Dad?
Red: Yes, we do.
Eric: It's just... hurts.
Red: Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.
Eric: Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
Red: Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

Pinciotti vs. Forman [4.3]

Hyde Gets a Girl [4.4]

Bye-Bye Basement [4.5]

The Relapse (1) [4.6]

Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (2) [4.7]

Donna's Story [4.8]

Fez: Oh, Eric. I think you just fornicated yourself.

Forgotten Son [4.9]

[Kitty and Donna are watching Eric's naked baby pics]
Kitty: Oh look at that baby. Didn't he have the cutest little behind!
Donna: Yeah. So when did he lose it?
Kitty: Right around when he turned ten. It was the strangest thing. Poof, Like someone ironed him.

Fez: There is no money, you S.O.B.!
Leo: Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.
Fez: [to the parrot]: That means you, too, Feathery Frank!
Parrot: But, FEZ!
Fez: I said: good day.

Red and Stacey [4.10]

Fez: I just want her back the way she was the first night I met her. On her knees, chugging beer straight from the keg.
Big Rhonda: But Fez, I threw up twice that night.
Fez Yes. All over my heart.

[Eric invites Stacey to dinner at his house]
Stacey: At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.
Eric: Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and touches her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?
Stacey: You know if he's seeing anyone?
Eric: Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

The Third Wheel [4.11]

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
Jill: Why are you friends with him?
Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

Jackie: Rhonda? How did you get in? [Eric's basement]
Big Rhonda: I used my key.
Jackie: Michael, why don't I got a key?
Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

An Eric Forman Christmas [4.12]

Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Kelso, I dont think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]

[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
Red: What the hell?
Kitty: Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Red: Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Red: Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
Bob: What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Red: Bob, are you drunk?!
Bob: I'm not sober!

Jackie Says Cheese [4.13]

Eric's Hot Cousin [4.14]

Tornado Prom [4.15]

Donna Dates A Kelso [4.16]

Kelso's Career [4.17]

Leo Loves Kitty [4.18]

Jackie's Cheese Squeeze [4.19]

Class Picture [4.20]

Prank Day [4.21]

Eric's Corvette Caper [4.22]

Jackie: Michael...
Kelso: [groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?
Jackie: Yes, you are.
Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie: Yes, we are.
Kelso: Cool. Where's Donna?
Jackie: WHAT?!?!? [attacks Kelso]

Hyde's Birthday [4.23]

That '70s Musical [4.24]

Eric's False Alarm [4.25]

Everybody Loves Casey [4.26]

Love, Wisconsin Style (1) [4.27]

[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]
Red: You're too proud to take her back? And what exactly do you have to be proud of? You're not an athlete, the only thing smart about you is your mouth...and just look at you!
Kitty: Dumbass!

Season 5

Going to California [5.1]

I Can't Quit You Babe (a.k.a. Jackie and Hyde Get Busted) [5.2]

What Is and What Should Never Be (1) (a.k.a. Kitty's Pregnant) [5.3]

Heartbreaker (2) (a.k.a. Kitty's Parents Come to Visit) [5.4]

Ramble On (a.k.a. Promise Ring Redux) [5.5]

Over the Hills and Far Away [5.6]

Hot Dog (a.k.a. The Gifts) [5.7]

Thank You [5.8]

Black Dog (a.k.a. Ow, My Eye) [5.9]

Eric: (sarcastically) Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Red: What did you say?
Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!
Red: That's right.

The Crunge (a.k.a. The S.A.T.s) [5.10]

Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded.
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.

The Girl I Love [5.11]

Misty Mountain Hop (a.k.a. Jackie's Cabin) [5.12]

Your Time Is Gonna Come (a.k.a. Get Off My Boyfriend) [5.13]

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (a.k.a. Valentine's Day) [5.14]

When the Levee Breaks (a.k.a. Eric and Donna Play House) [5.15]

Whole Lotta Love (a.k.a. The Silent Treatment) [5.16]

The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days) [5.17]

Hey, Hey What Can I Do? (a.k.a. Job Fair) [5.18]

Bring It On Home (a.k.a. Jackie's in the House) [5.19]

No Quarter (a.k.a. Jackie Moves In) [5.20]

Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped) [5.21]

You Shook Me (1) (a.k.a. The Nurses Are Coming) [5.22]

Nobody's Fault But Mine (2) (a.k.a. Hyde Loves Jackie) [5.23]

The Immigrant Song (a.k.a. Fez Gets Busted) [5.24]

Celebration Day (a.k.a. Graduation) [5.25]

[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]
Kelso: Oops, sorry!
Donna: [covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!
Kelso: Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see, I might stop!
Donna: [grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]
Kelso: They're beautiful...[collapses]

Season 6

The Kids Are Alright [6.1]

Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm — so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!

Eric: So... cold... Can't... use the force...

Join Together [6.2]

Magic Bus [6.3]

The Acid Queen [6.4]

I'm Free [6.5]

We're Not Gonna Take It [6.6]

Christmas [6.7]

I'm A Boy [6.8]

Young Man Blues [6.9]

A Legal Matter [6.10]

I Can See For Miles [6.11]

Suzy Simpson [6.12]

Won't Get Fooled Again [6.13]

Baby Don't You Do It [6.14]

Who Are You [6.15]

Man With Money [6.16]

Happy Jack [6.17]

Do You Think It's Alright [6.18]

Substitute [6.19]

Squeezebox [6.20]

5:15 [6.21]

Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground — you be there!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5:00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!

My Wife [6.22]

Sparks [6.23]

Going Mobile [6.24]

The Seeker [6.25]

Season 7

Time Is On My Side [7.1]

Let's Spend The Night Together [7.2]

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction [7.3]

Beast of Burden [7.4]

It's Only Rock and Roll [7.5]

Rip This Joint [7.6]

Mother's Little Helper [7.7]

Angel [7.8]

You Can't Always Get What You Want [7.9]

Surprise, Surprise [7.10]

Winter [7.11]

Don't Lie To Me [7.12]

Can't You Hear Me Knocking [7.13]

Street Fighting Man [7.14]

It's All Over Now [7.15]

On With The Show [7.16]

Down The Road Apiece [7.17]

Oh, Baby (We Got a Good Thing Goin') [7.18]

Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

Who's Been Sleeping Here? [7.19]

Gimme Shelter [7.20]

2120 So. Michigan Ave [7.21]

2000 Light Years From Home [7.22]

Take It Or Leave It [7.23]

Short And Curlies [7.24]

Til the Next Goodbye [7.25]

[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!

Season 8

Bohemian Rhapsody [8.1]

Red: [catching Kitty smoking in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?

Somebody to Love [8.2]

You're My Best Friend [8.3]

Misfire [8.4]

Michael: I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

Michael: Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?
Jackie: Oh, Michael, no!
Michael: No?
Jackie: No!
Michael: Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit — come on!

Stone Cold Crazy [8.5]

Fez: First, let me grab your melons.
Jackie: Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?
Fez: Yeah, here grab my banana.
Jackie: Ooh, it's so big.
Don Knotts: Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Donna: I want to send Eric some sexy photos.
Sam: Sure. I have some in the car. Want me to go get them?

Long Away [8.6]

Fun It [8.7]

Good Company [8.8]

Who Needs You [8.9]

Sweet Lady [8.10]

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy [8.11]

Killer Queen [8.12]

Spread Your Wings [8.13]

Son And Daughter [8.14]

Keep Yourself Alive [8.15]

My Fairy King [8.16]

Crazy Little Thing Called Love [8.17]

We Will Rock You [8.18]

Sheer Heart Attack [8.19]

Leaving Home Ain't Easy [8.20]

Love Of My Life [8.21]

That '70s Finale [8.22]

[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]
Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.
Kitty: Really?
Red: [softly ] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.
Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.
Red: I was talking to the tickets.

[Donna waits for Eric on the Vistacruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Eric: Happy New Year.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
Donna: I start college next week.
Eric: Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]
Donna: So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Eric: Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long —
Donna: [teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Eric: Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Sorry. [Kisses Donna]


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