The Boondocks (TV series)

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Lady R. Russell
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The Boondocks (2005–present) is an animated television series based on Aaron McGruder's comic strip of the same name. One episode, "Return of the King", was nominated for an N.A.A.C.P. award.

The Garden Party [1.1]

Huey: (narrating) I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.
Huey: Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
(The people suddenly erupt into a riot. Huey wakes up, and is immediately smacked by Granddad.)
Granddad: Mmm-hmm! You were havin' that dream where you made the white people riot, weren't you?
Huey: But I was telling the truth!
Granddad: How many times have I told you, you better not even dream about tellin' white folk the truth! You understand me? (walks away) Shoot! Makin' White people riot! You better learn how to lie like me! I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now!

Granddad: (wearing bath towel around his waist, holding empty orange juice carton) Would one of y'all like to explain this?!
Riley: (rubs his eyes, groans)Mmmm, you mean the orange juice or the mini-skirt?

Granddad: Y'all need to start appreciating your granddaddy. I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood and all I ask you to do is act like you got some class!
Riley: (to Huey) Hey...what's "class"?
Huey: It means, "don't act like niggas."
Granddad: S-s-s-see? That's what I'm talkin' about right there! We don't use the "n-word" in this house!
Huey: Granddad, you said the word "nigga" 46 times yesterday. I counted!
Granddad: Nigga, hush!

Granddad: There's a new White man out there! He's refined! For example, did you know the new white man loves gourmet cheese?
Huey: [disbelieving] I-I'm sorry...did you say cheese?
Granddad: That's right; cheese. You give the meanest White man a piece of cheese and he'll turn into Mister Rogers.
Huey: Granddad, that doesn't make any sense.
Granddad: Don't you talk back to me, boy!
Huey: Granddad, you can't tame the White Supremacist power structure with cheese!
Granddad: Oh yes I can.
Huey: No you can't!
Granddad: YES I CAN!
Huey: No, you CAN NOT!

Ed Wuncler: What's your position on Gay Marriage?
Granddad: Well, first of all, I believe all marriage is wrong!

"'Riley"': I know about white people. Like when [white people] talk they say the whooole woorrd likeee thisss.

Granddad: (To Huey) The hell I can't! You're gonna go and you're not gonna embarrass me in front of my new neighbors or I'm gonna beat your ass.
Riley: Why can't we act like ourselves, ho? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us or something?
Granddad: Very!

(In a flashback, a young Robert Freeman arrives late to a civil rights demonstration wearing a raincoat and hat.)
Robert: Aw man, I missed it! Was it bad? Did they do the thing with the fire hoses?
Protester: (angry and completely soaked) What do you think, chump?
Robert: Damn, what's eating you?
Protester: A God-damn German Shepherd. That's what's eating me! Where was you?
Robert: I-I had to go back to the apartment because I forgot my raincoat!
Protester: You went to-- you--this nigga went to get a motherfuckin' raincoat!
Woman Protester: I can't believe you!
Robert: We've all been watching the same news! The police been doing this fire hose thing all week! I just assumed we'd all wear our raincoats.
Protester: Damn it, Robert! Who the hell shows up to a march with a raincoat?
Robert: Bet you wish you had your raincoat now!
Protester #2: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Robert: Remember what Dr. King says!
(The other protesters attack Robert)

(The Freemans have just arrived at the Wuncler Estate, where Uncle Ruckus is working as a valet)
Uncle Ruckus: (Rudely shouldering past Granddad) Outta the way, Kunta Kinte! (Warmly, to the white guest who pulled up behind the Freemans) Yes, sir. How can I help you?
Grandad: (indignantly) Excuse me?
(Uncle Ruckus looks at the Freemans)
Uncle Ruckus: Aw, Lord have mercy. (into his walkie-talkie) Security! Security! We have us a Code Black! A Code Black at the main gate!
Voice over the walkie-talkie: Ruckus, what the hell is a 'Code Black?'
Uncle Ruckus: (candidly) There's some hungry-lookin' niggas out at the front gate.
(Huey looks offended)

Grandad: (To Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?
Riley: For real? Yo, what's it like?
Wuncler III: What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was bitches. Okay they was bitches but a lot of them had, ya know, they was cova'ed up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'. But, I digress. It was WAR. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Motherfuckas be like shooting (imitating a machine gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the shit scared me. It scared the shit outta me. Matter o' fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the shit smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well fuck y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, bitch." (notices everyone is staring blankly at him) The fuck y'all looking at?

Priest: Well you should definetly see the passion. It's a very important movie.
Huey: Couldn't see it, white Jesus.
Priest: Excuse me?
Huey: Come on man, It's supposted to be all historically accurate, and they STILL have a white man playing Jesus? That's some old bullshit.

Uncle Ruckus: (singing badly) Don't trust them new niggers over there! Leavin' their nigger essence in the air! Them happy, nappy-head niggers, with their fingers on the trigger! Don't trust them new niggers over there! Don't trust them big nostrils over yonder! They suck up so much air, it'll make you wonder! Don't trust them new niggers, with they spiny little nigger fingers! Don't trust them new niggers over there!

Ed Wuncler: In 30 years, that boy's going to become the President of the United States... and he'll still be a fucking idiot.

The Trial of Robert Kelly [1.2]

Granddad: What's wrong with a man giving away a golden shower? Sounds like a nice gift to me.
Riley: (laughs)
Granddad: What? Shoot, I wish somebody gave me a golden shower. (Riley laughs) One, I like gold. Two, I like showers. (Riley laughs hysterically) Put it together, hey, that sound like the life, hyoo...
Riley: (recovering) If you're good, Santa Claus might give you a golden shower for Christmas. (he laughs)
Granddad:Christmas? My man, Santa.

Riley: Granddad, can you take us into the city tomorrow to watch the R. Kelly trial?
Granddad: Hell, no. But you can walk.
Riley: It's forty miles!
Granddad: All the money I spent on them damn Nikes? You better just do it.

Tom: Hey boys! Hey there Huey, Riley. I couldn't help but notice your sign and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.
Huey: Hey man, you do what you gotta do.
Riley: (interrupting) Why R. Kelly, huh? What did R. Kelly do to you?
Tom: He's accused of relieving himself on an underaged girl on tape... which is against the law.
Riley: Okay, Okay, Okay. But let's examine this whole peein' thing. So I can pee in the toilet and it's OK, but if I pee on a person it's, like, not OK?
Tom: Well...mmm yeah.
Riley: Well what if I'm peein' and Huey's in the bathroom, and I accidentally pee on Huey. Should I go to Jail?
Huey: What the hell would I be doin' in the bathroom while you're in the bathroom?
Riley: Hold up, hold up! Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed when we was littler? From time to time I had a little accident...
Huey: You still do.
Riley: Shut up! So Mr. Dubois. Mr. "I wanna lock niggas up for peein'", what's the statute of limitations on bed wetting? Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?
Tom: Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you for bed wetting.
Riley: And you shouldn't. It's a natural body function. And now every nigga in the world gon' be scared to pee! I may never pee again!
Tom: Riley, it was a little girl!
Riley: Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.
Tom: Yes.
Riley: Gary Coleman's little.
Tom: Yes.
Riley: Mini-Me is little.
Tom: Very.
Riley: And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far!
Tom: But what about the victim?
Riley: Oh yes! The victim... At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?
Tom: I don't think that's...
Riley: (interrupting) I see piss comin', I move.
Tom: Hmm.
Riley: She saw piss comin', she stayed.
Tom: Yes, she did, but--
Riley: And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album JUST fo' that? (walks away)
Huey: (to Tom) Man, you just got beat by an eight-year-old.
Riley: (off screen) And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'LL PISS ON YO CAT!

Uncle Ruckus: Thank God for the white man's code of law. That's the only thing that'll keep these uppity niggas in line. Well, that and pepper spray. You know I sat on a jury one time.
Robert: Really?
Uncle Ruckus: Oh yeah. It was in 1957 back in Tennessee. (narrating) Now the defendant was accused of shootin' three little white women with a Winchester rifle from about fifty yards away. See, now, he thought he was gon' get off on that old "I'm blind" excuse. But oh boy... he had another thing comin'.
Judge: The jury will now go off and deliberate on...
Uncle Ruckus: (interrupting, stands up) Guilty! That nigga is guilty!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Sir! Settle down. You have to go deliberate.
Uncle Ruckus: I don't need to deliberate. Hang that nigga now! I got the rope right here! (he holds up a noose)

Kelly's Lawyer: (making an opening statement) The ancient Greeks, the architects of western civilization, would regularly indulge in sexual activities with children. Were they perverts? In Puritan America the forefathers of this great land would take wifes who were 12 or 13 years old, much younger than the alleged victim. Were they sickos? In Tokyo, you could buy teenage girls' panties in vending machines. Do we call them disgusting? Of course not! What do all those things have to do with Robert Kelly? Nothing. Let's get to the point. Now some people see this so-called mountain of evidence — these video tapes, photographs, eyewitnesses, and DNA — and see a guilty man, but some of us can see that mountain of so-called evidence for what it really is: racism.

Uncle Ruckus: Now I know exactly what happened to Kobe. Kobe caught that white fever. White fever get in your blood, man, it'll make you crazy. And you know they got them short little skirts nowadays and that uhh... What they call them, the the the tongs?
Robert: Thongs.
Uncle Ruckus: Yeah, right, they got the thongs all up the booty crack and they got that sweet white nectar. (he closes his eyes) Oh, Lord have mercy. (he starts sweating) And after that it's over. You wake up and you don't even know what you done done. Just a pool of sweat around your ankles and a deep sense of satisfaction. (he starts to wipe the sweat from his brow) Give me a minute, Robert.
Robert: You look like you need to take five.

Kelly's lawyer: Would you describe yourself as an African American woman?
Victim: (giving testimony) Nigga you blind?
Kelly's lawyer: Heheh... No, I'm not. So it's safe to say that R. Kelly is... sexually attracted to black women, right?
Victim: Mmmhmm (she nods)
Tom: Objection — relevance.
Kelly's lawyer: Your honor I'm trying to establish to the court that my client is a proud black man who loves his black sistas. Unlike District Attorney Dubois... Who's married... to a WHITE WOMAN! (he points to Sara)
Audience: (gasps collectively)
Sara: (faceplants)
Tom: (visibly ruffled)

Mr. Dubois: Please, people, you saw the tape! The girl testified she was underage! You're not allowed... to do that... to a little girl! WE HAVE A VIDEOTAPE!
Black female juror: Go tell that to your white bitch.
Black female juror 2: Mmm hmm!

Huey: Here's something black people have known for a couple of hundred years: niggas are crazy. Now black people don't like to talk about crazy niggas in public 'cause white people might be listening.

Huey: What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges, but R. Kelly is not one of those men! We all know the nigga can sing! But what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? You a fan of R. Kelly? You wanna help R. Kelly? Then get some counseling for R. Kelly! Introduce him to some older women. Hide his camcorder... but don't pretend like the man is a hero! ...And stop the damn dancin'! Act like you've got some Goddamn sense, people! Damn! Done playin' around here...

Huey: [narrating] I did battle with ignorance today, and ignorance won. I admit that I'm often... vexed at the behavior of my people. Yeah... "vexed" is a good word.
Sarah: [off-screen as Tom is about to enter his car] I told about messin' with them white women. [She, Tom and Jazmine all embrace]
Huey: [narrating] You do what you can to help black folks. Then it makes you wonder why do you even bother? [shows a scene of Robert waking up Ruckus at the park] But they're our people, and we got to love them regardless. [Huey and Riley walk through the crowd of cheering R. Kelly supporters back to Robert's car] One thing's for sure, though: can't blame this one on the white man.... what am I sayin'? Of course I can!

Guess Hoe's Coming To Dinner [1.3]

Granddad: I just can't stand to see a child go unbeaten.

Cristal: Hey, boys! (she bends down to shake Huey's hand)
Huey: Yeah...uh...I'd rather not.
Cristal: My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
Huey : Well, that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
Cristal: And just what do you know about strippers, little man?
Huey: Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor. (Riley snickers at the joke)

Riley: You do realize that light-skinned ho was a ho, right Granddad?
Granddad: Don't cuss, boy, now watch your mouth.
Riley: I didn't cuss; I said "ho."
Granddad: Riley, don't think because I'm driving I can't come back there.
Riley: I don't see what the big deal is. Just sayin' ho.
(Granddad reaches behind back seat of car and proceeds to repeatedly strike Riley.)
Granddad: (while striking Riley) You need to watch your filthy mouth!
Huey: Granddad stop! (grabs the wheel) Granddad, Riley! Stop! Or we are going to die!
(Granddad takes the wheel again and barely misses getting hit by an 18-wheeler)
Granddad: Now, I bet you won't say it again.
Riley: (after a pause and rubbing his cheek) Ho.
(Granddad again strikes Riley, his car swerving all over the road.)
Granddad: I got your ho right here!
Huey: Watch the road! Watch the road, Granddad!

Huey: Granddad, have you asked yourself why a twenty-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age?
Granddad: Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Riley: Game? What you know about the game Granddad?
Granddad: I know the game.
Riley: Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
Granddad: (turns away from the mirror) I know the game. Your grandaddy knows the game.
Riley: Game recognize game, Granddad.
Granddad: (gets in Riley's face) I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.
Riley: Game recognize game, and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I... I can't... where's Granddad? Can I help you sir?
Granddad: (stares at Riley for a while) I ain't got time to mess around with y'all. I gotta date. Get out the way. (he leaves the room)
Riley: (follows him off screen) Don't do it Granddad! Don't feed her!
Granddad: (O.S.) Come on, now, stop. Get off my leg.
Riley: (weeping O.S.) Don't feed her the cheddar biscuits! Noooo!
Granddad: (O.S.) Don't try to hold me back. What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?

Huey: Riley... All women are not hoes. We're talkin' twenty... twenty-five percent tops.
Riley: Okay. But if they not all hoes, then why I got to pay to take 'em out to eat, then? I mean, I'm payin'. That's payment.
Huey: I... I don't know. 'Cause that's just what you do. You meet a girl, you take her out to dinner, but... you're not paying the girl. You're paying the restaurant.
Riley: But I'm payin'. Which makes her a ho. Why don't I just give her the money I was gonna spend on dinner, and that ho can go grocery shopping?
Huey: (befuddled)
Riley: (continuing) That's how it starts, you know? Takin' bitches out to eat — meals and whatnot. Next thing you know, you wake up in a rest haven for hoes. A sanctuary for scandalous skeezes and stunts.
Huey: You're jumpin' to conclusions. It's just a date.
Riley: What if he marries her? What if we end up with a ho for a grandma?
Huey: Riley, shut your dumb ass up.
Riley: What if we have a ho for a grandma, and she comes to school on career day? Ooh... what if they have kids? We'd have a brother or sister that's half ho.
Huey: Riley!

Cristal: (playing PS2 with Riley) What's up now?
Riley: Why you keep doin' the same move?
Cristal: Where yo game at? Where yo game at?
Riley: My 'X' button ain't workin.
Cristal: Whatever, nigga.
Riley: Hey, look! I'm pressin' it! You SEE me pressin' it! You cheat!
Cristal: Bitch, your game is garbage. (she jumps up in the air) I'm Cristal, bitch! Who's next?
Riley: Fake ass Mariah Carey! (he throws the controller and runs away crying)
Cristal: That's how nasty my game is, son. (to Huey) I send niggas runnin' away.
Huey: (stares at her)
Cristal: What?

Huey: Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Granddad: Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby boo, and you will show her some respect.
Huey: Granddad, we don't know anything about Ms. Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money, we know she eats more than a black hole...
Huey: But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
Granddad: She's in sales.
Riley: Pff... Ho sales...
Granddad: What?!

Huey: Okay, Cristal. We need to have a talk.
Cristal: Before you start, I just want to say how much fun it's been hanging out with you guys. Think of me as a big sister you always wanted.
Huey: Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you get the hell up out of here.
Cristal: Any particular reason?
Huey: You're kind of a lazy ho?
Cristal: Yeah, I can see that.
Huey: I don't know why my granddad can't see.
Cristal: To be honest, me either. It's so obvious. But it's okay, because I'm in a transitional period...
Huey: [interrupting] Ah-ah-ah! I don't care. You gotta go.
Cristal: [takes out a cigarette and lights it] I can't do that.
Huey: I'm sorry?
Cristal: You guys have the life. And I want to have the life, too.
Huey: Yeah, but it's our life. We're his family.
Cristal: Oh, so now we get to what this is really about! I'm not one of y'all, I'm not in the family, I don't carry his genes... so, I have to go?
Huey: Uh, yeah. Plus, you're a lazy ho.
Cristal: "Ho" is a strong term. Right now, I'm somewhere between "anatomical sales associate" and "high maintenance girlfriend." Can't you be positive about my growth?
Huey: Cristal, every part of you bein' here is unacceptable. Do you realize I'm doing prostitute laundry? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?!
Cristal: [puts out cigarette] Look, this is an adjustment for everyone. But it's what your grandfather wants. You can't get rid of me. I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
Huey: Like what? [thinks for a second] Never mind, I don't want to know.

Riley: (answering doorbell) It's a nigga in a purple suit!
(Cristal hides as Robert walks to the door)
Robert: Who are you?
A Pimp Named Slickback: My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. (to Cristal) Bitch I hope you got the moneys to cover this little vacation you've been takin'.
Robert: Now hold up, Slickback.
A Pimp Named Slickback: No, that's "A Pimp Named Slickback."
Robert Freeman: That's what I said - "Slickback."
A Pimp Named Slickback: No no!, It's "A Pimp Named Slickback," like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!
Robert Freeman: Can we call you "Slickback" for short?
A Pimp Named Slickback: No, nigga! I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback!"
Robert Freeman: Cristale, who is this person?
A Pimp Named Slickback: NIGGA ARE YOU DEAF? I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback"! Say it with me now!
Cristal: He's my pimp!
Robert Freeman: Y-y-your pimp? So you really are a, a-
Cristal/Huey/Riley: Yes, I'm/she's a ho!
A Pimp Named Slickback: C'mon bitch now!
Cristal: A Pimp Named Slickback, can at least have a minute?
A Pimp Named Slickback: A minute? (short chuckle) Let us pray the pimp's prayer. Lord, please pray for this soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen!
Riley: Amen! Yeah!

Robert Freeman: You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house!
A Pimp Named Slickback: What woman, sir? This here's a ho!
Robert Freeman: Not in this house, she's not!

(Huey walks into the dining room to find Robert asleep with candles lit, a box of tissues and wadded-up tissues next to him)
Robert Freeman: (wakes up) Wh-wh-what? D-don't blow the candles out. She'll think no one's home.
Huey: Don't worry, Granddad. Maybe she'll be back tomorrow. (blows out candles)

Granddad's Fight [1.4]

(Two young black men bump into each other walking down the street)
Guy 1: Watch where you walkin' nigga.
Guy 2: ey--ey, what'd you say, nigga?
Huey: (Narrating) Watch closely. You're about to exprience a "nigga moment." Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment where ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro male...
(The men pull out guns and point them at each other)
Guy 1: What did you say, bitch nigga?
Guy 2: Hey squeeze it, nigga!
Huey: ...Causing them to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner. I.E., like a nigga.
(The two men continue shouting at each other, then shoot at each other several times, missing every shot despite being right next to each other)
Huey: Nigga moments are unpredictable...
Guy 2: Hey wait man, wait! This is stupid!
Guy 1: Hey you right, dog. Look, let's put the guns away and go on about our business.
Policeman: Freeze!
(Police officers shoot both men down)
Huey: ...but they all end up bad. If they had their own category, nigga moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A.. It's a fact. Now let's see how a nigga moment affects a white man.
(One of the black men from the first example bumps into a white man)
White Guy: Prick.
Black Guy: Watch where you walking, bitch!
White Guy: What did you… wait a minute…haha, I'm white, hahahahaha! (he walks away)
Black Guy: Where you going!? Don't you ignore me! This is a perfectly good moment to throw your life away!
Huey: A common misconception about the "nigga moment" is that it can be avoided by simply movin' away from niggas. If only it were that easy; see, niggas always got a new trick right around the corner.

Granddad: Oh, look what you did to Dorothy! You better have insurance.
Stinkmeaner: Nigga, you betta have insurance! Ass whoopin insurance! And you're about to pay a deductible!
Huey:(narrating) And just like that, my Granddad was caught in a nigga moment. At this point, Granddad can a) walk away and let insurance handle the damages to the car or b) fight with a dumb, crazy, blind nigga. Let's see which one he chooses.
Stinkmeaner: Ha ha ha! That's right! I backed into yo' car, nyukka! Whatchu gonna do?! WHATCHU GONNA DO?!

On the awkward trip home "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor is playing on the radio.
Radio: It's The Eye Of The Tiger / It's the thrill of The Fight! / Standing up to the challenge of your rival!
(Granddad switches off the radio)
Granddad: (sourly) I hate this damn song.
Riley: I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a blind man, Granddad!
Granddad: My knee went out. You know I got a bad knee.
Riley: Bad knee?! That nigga had bad eyes! He couldn't see, Granddad! He beat you like a pinata! (to Huey) Hey, Huey, we can rent out Granddad to Mexican birthday parties! We can call him "Sr. Piñata"! Hola, Sr. Piñata!
Granddad: Stop it, boy, stop it! Where's my belt!?

(Dorothy the car has just pulled into their garage)

Riley: I must be blind too, cuz I sho' didn't see that ass-whuppin' comin'!

(entering the house)

Granddad: Boy...
Huey: Riley...!
Riley: Yo, how bad you gotta telegraph yo' punches for a blind nigga to see 'em comin', Granddad?!
Huey: Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing!
Riley: Oh, I thought Granddad had a heightened sense of falling!
Granddad: Now, that's enough! Stop makin' fun of your Granddaddy! What's wrong with you?
Riley: Granddad had "HIT ME" written on his forehead in braille!
Granddad: I said that's ENOUGH!
Riley: What you gonna do? Beat me? Maybe I need a blindfold first; (Riley covers his eyes with his hands) Okay, I'm ready! No, wait--maybe he's gonna fall on me! (Riley gets on his knees and uses his left arm to cover his eyes and his right is pointed up at Granddad to push him off if he falls on him and Riley laughs)
Huey: Riley, stop!
Riley: (on the floor now, cringing from laughter) Hey, Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, "Damn! I thought I got my ass whupped!" (Riley laughs uncontrollably until Huey kicks him and Granddad walks off in shame)

Huey dreams of a sword fight in a moonlit bamboo forest.

Huey (v/o): That night I dreamt of a blind swordsman. He knows my every move, yet he cannot see. As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible, he is turning my sight into a liability. He has no just cause to want my life. There is no forethought, no logic in his actions. (blind samurai slashes Huey's leg, Huey falls) This isn't just any swordsman. This is the blind nigga samurai.
Blind Samurai: (Stinkmeaner's voice) What's good, nigga?! What's REALLY good?!

Granddad's Answering Machine: You have reached the Freeman residence. If this is a lovely cutie pie, please leave a message. Everybody else just hang up right now because I'm not interested.
Ruckus: Hello, Robert, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! I know you there in hiding. I seen you on the news. Getting your black ass whupped by that blind old monkey. That's why they shouldn't let niggas go shoppin'. Call me back. (Granddad walks away from machine) Don't you walk away from this answering machine!

[Grandad is now out in a park along with Huey and Ruckus training for his rematch with Stinkmeaner]

Ruckus: Between you and me, your grandaddy shouldn't have too much to worry about. Everybody knows niggas can't fight.
Huey: I'm sorry?
Ruckus: You heard me nigga: Niggas can't fight! They ain't got the strength or character or the mental quickness to be a great fighter. That's why all the greatest fighters in the world have always been white men. Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano, "Sylvester" Stallone, and don't forget Ralph Macchio. Name me one great, black heavyweight champion. Go ahead, name one! See, right there, you can't! [Huey is clearly ignoring him by now] O-o-o-oh, what, you gonna pull Ali out your ass? Is that what you're thinking about? Muhammad Ali? Well if that nigga's so tough, why didn't he go to Vietnam? I'll tell you why: It's 'cause he was scared! That's why! Shoot, "No Vietnamese ever called me 'nigga'." I'll call him a nigga eight times before I have breakfast! What he gonna do--hold up; I'll make it nine! NIGGA!

[later on, clearly not aware that nobody's paying him any attention]

Ruckus: Jean-Claude Van Damme is the greatest martial artist in the world. He killed a man with his butt-cheek power! Steven Seagal, David Carradine, Chuck Norris; shoot! Walker Texas Ranger? Now that's a karate man right there!

Huey: You must train.
Granddad: I won't fail you. I'm not afraid.
Huey: Oh you will be, you will be.

Huey: Granddad, the only way to win is not to fight.
Tom: That's right, Robert. Nobody's gonna call you a "fruity-boy" or a "pansy-pants" if you don't do this.
Riley: I will.
Tom: Right, well... Riley will.

Stinkmeaner: You scared? Yeah you scared ain't you bitch nigga. I can smell the bitch in ya. Oh, that's vintage bitch. You must have Alzheimer's, old man. You already forgot that ass whuppin'. Uh oh... I hear you comin'.
Huey: (narrating) And as I watched Stinkmeaner move blindly around the ring, I had a terrifying realization: he wasn't a trained swordsman and he didn't have super hearing. He was a blind old man who had just gotten lucky. (shouting) Granddad! Wait! No! Stop!

(The world freezes just before Granddad lands a fatal blow on Stinkmeaner)
Huey: (narrating) You know, we could all be reading a book right now.
(Time continues, and Granddad kills Stinkmeaner with a final punch to the mouth)
Riley: Dang, granddad, you didn't have to kill 'em.
Huey: (narrating) And so granddad emerged from the nigga moment victorious.

A Date with the Health Inspector [1.5]

[Tom is dreaming: In the jail shower, naked inmates shower, while Tom visibly shaken, drops the saop.]
Various Inmates: you hear something? What? Huh? Oooohhhhhhhhhhh yeah,
Tom: [crying]
Inmate: Soap drop nigga!! You think you just gon' leave it down 'dere huh? We don't waste no mafucking soap in here!!
Tom: I'm...I'm finished
Inmate: Nah, you ain't finished. See I been watchin' you
Tom: You have?
Inmate: You ain't wash behind your ears or nothin'
Tom: But I did...
Inmate: Look at me, see how I'm all clean, glissinin' an' shit. Dat's hygean nigga, you could call me the health inspector. NOW PICK UP THE SOAP!!!
[Tom bends down to pick it up, obviously afraid]
Various Inmates: Pray, pray! I'm next.
[Tom wakes up screaming]
Sarah: [sleepily] Dropped the soap again?

White House Spokesman: And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.
Jazmine: (hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!
Huey: Jazmine, calm down!
Jazmine: Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!
Huey: Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...
(Phone rings)
Riley: (answers the phone) Hello?
Tom: (frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.
Riley: What's the emergency?
Tom: I'm in jail.
(slight pause, Riley starts to laugh)
Riley: Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)
Huey: Who was that?
Riley: (the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?
Tom: RILEY. It's Tom.
Riley: I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
(Huey grabs the phone)
Huey: Who's this?
Tom: Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
Huey: They'll rape you that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?
(Jazmine starts to cry)
Tom: Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen they can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. Real jail! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.
Huey: Well it's just the weekend.
Tom: It only takes one night to get anally raped! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
Huey: The real killer?! Nigga, I'm ten! How am I gonna find the real killer?
Tom: Please! You gotta try...
Huey: Alright alright alright. Damn.
Tom: Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)
Jazmine: Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
Huey: Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.
Jazmine: (starts to cry again)

(approaching Gin Rummy's home, Ed III and the Freeman brothers ring his doorbell and Rummy answers)
Gin Rummy: OH, SNAP! Ed Wuncler III!
Ed III: My man, Gin Rummy! What's good, man?
Gin Rummy: 'S'all good, baby. I was just makin' some breakfast; come on in.
(Huey and Riley look at each other confusedly)
(Cut to Rummy's kitchen where he's pan frying two eggs)
Gin Rummy: Sounds to me like you got yourselves a fugitive of justice. I say you came to the right hombre.
Huey: Look, we have exactly four hours and forty-five minutes to catch the X-Box Killer. Can you help us do it?
Gin Rummy: I'd be dead on his ass like Spenser For fuckin' Hire. I'll hunt him down and feed him his own testicles. And I do it in a jiffy. And I don't care if his mama there, his grandmama, innocent bystanders, little kids, baby-sitters, bill collectors. Whatever! I leave his whole block filled with hot brass if I have to. And you know why? Because I just don't give a fuck! (the yolks on his eggs pop and Rummy, perfectly calm now, continues) Y'all sure you don't want some breakfast? I got some English muffins and peach jelly.
Ed III: (approaching Huey and Riley who are still in slight bewilderment from Rummy's rant) See? I told you my boy was gangsta! Hey, Rummy, throw some links in with them grits, man. Shit, I'm hungry as a muthafucka!

Tom: (crying) Why are you doing this to me?
Interrogator: You know what this is man. It's fuckin' racism, man. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time and you just happen to fit the description. Now, if you admit that you killed him...
Interrogator: Look, even if you didn't kill anyone, just admit that you killed him. I promise you won't go to jail. Smack on the wrist, I promise you.
Tom: W-wait, stop this. You can't be serious. I'm a prosecutor, I'm never gonna fall for this.
(Time on the clock advances ten minutes)
Tom: (between sobs) So, you say that if I confess, I won't go to jail?
Interrogator: I give you my word.
Tom: N-no anal rape?
Interrogator: No anal rape.
(Tom smiles through tears and a runny nose)

Riley: So y'all was in Iraq together?
Gin Rummy: Yeah we was in Iraq.
Riley: What did you do?
Gin Rummy: We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Riley: ....Did you ever find them?
Gin Rummy: You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em. What are you some kinda POLITICAL HUMORIST?! You GARRY TRUDEAU up in dis bitch?!?!
Ed III: I was lookin' for bitches but they had that carpet shit all over them and I couldn't see what they look like. All that was really exposed was the eyes and that wasn't enough for me, cause you know shit I'm lookin' at the eyes, the eyes be pretty and I take the carpet off and then I got a tragedy.
Gin Rummy: But nah we ain't find 'em. but I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: What country you from?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak english in "What"?
Riley: What?
Riley: Yeah!
Gin Rummy: So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you.
Riley: Yeah!...
Gin Rummy: Well what I'm sayin' is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns but there's also unknown unknowns. Things we don't know that we don't know.
Riley: ...What?

Gin Rummy: Ain't nobody seen nothin'.
Huey: I know who did the killing. I've known for twenty minutes. Guy's name is Terrell Jackson, he's been braggin' about it all day. Everybody knows. He lives five minutes away. I've got MapQuest directions right here.
Gin Rummy: How'd you find all this out?
Huey: We've talked to people!
Riley: I got a picture.
Gin Rummy: Where you get that?
Riley: I drew it from the description of the dude that they gave us while y'all was whuppin' niggas' asses in the street. I almost had time to color it.

(Rummy and Ed III watches Officer Frank closely as he and Ed III approach the counter.)
Rummy: (Speaks to Ed III.) Watch my back I got yo front.
(Gin Rummy and Ed III place the cartons on the counter.)
Clerk: Hey Ed, Rummy my close friends and allies it is good to see you.
Ed III: (Hands Riley two cartons.) Go put dis in tha truck.
Riley: (Approaches the door.)
Clerk: Hey slow your roll chief. You guy have to pay for that first.
Riley: (Stops at the door at the clerk's words.)
Ed III: Damn! Chill out Aladdin Hussein. You know I'm good for it.
Clerk: Hey guys you know the rules. No exceptions, cash only.
(Gin Rummy and Ed III looks back at Officer Frank.)
Officer Frank: (Look at the others at the counter and and gives a friendly smile.)
Ed III: Look, he got a weapon! (Pulls out his hand gun and points it at the clerk.)
Officer Frank: (Quickly drops the magazine and point his gun at Rummy and Ed III.)
Rummy: Whoa, wait a minute now, (Points his M-16 at the clerk.) Put the gun down.
Clerk: Gun? What gun? I'm not holding gun. Guys it's me. Ed, your father help me build this store.
Rummy: (Looks at Officer Frank holding his gun at him and Ed III. Then he looks back at the clerk.) I DON'T KNOW YOU MUTHAFUCKER! NOW, PUT DOWN THE WEAPON, PUT IT DOWN!!
Clerk: There is no weapon, look!
Officer Frank: (Trembling nervously.) I, I don't see a weapon!
Huey: (Points at Rummy and Ed III.) There is no weapon, they're robbing the store!
Clerk: (Pleading) I am not holding a weapon! (Closes his eyes and looks away.) I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!
Officer Frank: WHAT?!
Officer Frank: I-I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Huey: He does not have a gun!
Officer Frank: I-I DON'T SEE A GUN!
Ed III: Man fuck this shit! (Point his gun at Officer Frank.) Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?
Officer Frank: (Ponders for a moment.) Wait, I think I can see the gun now!
Rummy: TWO!!
Officer Frank: Is he... still holding it!?
Huey: He-is-not-holding-a-weapon!
Rummy: TIMES UP!!
Clerk: (Ducks under the counter just as Rummy and Ed III open fire.)

Rummy: I didn't think that they'd actually shoot back at us.
Huey: Well of course they're shooting back at us! You're robbing their store!
Rummy: You can't assume that people are going to shoot back at you! It was an unknown unknown!
Huey: Need I remind you that this has nothing to do with our original plan!
Rummy: Damn it Huey! Robbery etiquette says you can't criticize a robbery plan during the actual robbery. You have to wait 'til the robbery's over.
Rummy: Yo, officer. Whatever your name is.
Officer Frank: My name's Frank.
Rummy: Okay, Fred... whatever. Look, I want you to know, you are not going to die...(slight pause) in vain.
Officer Frank: I don't think I'm dying.
Rummy: Oh well, I want you to know you weren't mortally wounded... in vain.
Officer Frank: Actually, I think I'm gonna make it.
Ed III: You hear that you sweaty bastards! Freddy ain't dead, Freddy say bring it on, bitch! BRING IT!

The Story of Gangstalicious [1.6]

Notice at the beginning of the episode: The following is a completely fictional work of satire. Any similarities with actual rappers is totally, completely, coincidental.
Also, I ain't dissin' nobody's city, or region, or... whatever geographic affiliation you got. I love everybody.
Seriously. I really don't want any of you niggas running up on me at the club. I don't have no crew, and they don't pay me enough to hire bodyguards. I know how ya'll niggas do. It's just jokes, man.
Dictated. Not read. The management.

Gangstalicious: I got shot!
Crowd: I got shot!
(he gets shot)
Gangstalicious: I got shot!
Crowd: I got shot!
Gangstalicious: No I got shot for real!
Crowd: I got shot for real!
Gangstalicious: No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! I'm bleedin'! I'ma die! Somebody please help me help me... (he faints)
Crowd: No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! [fades into mumbling]

Riley: (Narrating) I was so desperate for information on the shooting, I watched that show my brother calls "The News."
Black Witness: OH, SHIT!!! Aw nigga, I seent it! I seent the whole thang, nigga. You shoulda seent that shit I saw...
Huey: Oh, great. Black guy witnessman. I HATE black guy witnessmen!
Riley: Nigga, shush! Shhh!
Black Guy Witnessman: ....With my own eyes, nigga. DAMN, that shit was crazy, nigga. I seent everything. (his phone rings) Hold up. Yeah, nigga, that's me on tv BAYBAY! YEAH, NIG-GUH, YEAH! Nah, I ain't got your money, nigga.
(Lady screams...Attention turns towards her)
Black Woman : OOOOHHH JESUS!!!! It was terrible! I was in the club... an-and see, I was in the club, and this bitch stepped on my shoe, and I was like 'BITCH!' and then some niggas started shootin'. I'm like, 'there he go!' He done fucked it up for everybody!

Riley: Gangstalicious got shot!
Grandad: Again?
Riley: We gotta do somethin'!
Huey: I know! Let's both go to college so that we don't end up like Gangstalicious!
Granddad: That boy got shot again? That's a shame.
Riley: A shame? Granddad, a nigga steppin' on your sneakers is a shame! This is a catastrophe! It's catastrophic!

Granddad: The store...and back. That's it. No hospital. Take my phone, so I can reach you but don't call anyone.
Riley: Dang, Granddad! Is this a cell phone or a cordless pay phone?
Granddad: Shut up!
Riley: This thing looks like a laptop!
Granddad: Stay away from that hospital!
Riley: (narrating) I headed straight for the hospital.

Riley: Excuse me, I'm lookin' for Gangstalicious.
Receptionist: And who are you?
Riley: I'm one of his many illegitimate children.
Receptionist: Fifth floor.

Granddad: (watching a music video) What the hell is thuggin' luv? Who would want thuggin' luv? Is that when you make love to your woman and right before that "special moment", you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw it down the stairs?

Granddad: (calls Riley on the cell phone) Where's my goddamn orange juice, boy?! You hear me?! Whatchu doin'-- growin' the oranges?!

Riley: (watching Gangstalicious put on his clothes) Damn, nigga, you short.
Gangstalicious: Y-Y-Y-Y-You don't understand. I know this guy, he is crazy. He like, uh, uh... got a chemical imbalance or something.
Riley: I'm just sayin' man, you look much taller in the videos.
Gangstalicious: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYIN' TO YOU?! THE NIGGA'S A RAGEAHOLIC!! We both gonna die! (He starts crying)
Riley: What happened to "I don't fear no man but God?"
Gangstalicious: Correction: God and the nigga that shot me! Oh, lord. What is we gonna do?
Riley: Man, just get yourself together! You making me scared.

The Gangsters pursue Riley through the halls of the hospital, who loses them at an intersection. As the gangsters stop and look around, Uncle Ruckus comes around the corner, mopping the floor, oblivious to their presence.
Uncle Ruckus: (singing) Colored folks talkin' about 'Save Me!' / Wasn't nothin' wrong with slavery! / At least we got good food back then -- uh huh, uh huh! / White man sho could be yo frie-
The gangsters all point their guns at Ruckus. He looks up, surprised.
Uncle Ruckus: ...Uh...
Lincoln: (coldly) Where's Gangstalicious?
Uncle Ruckus: (thinks for a moment) I'm sorry, I couldn't hear ya over the sound of me shittin' myself.

Gangstalicious: (men are shooting at them) WE GONNA DIE!
Riley: Run nigga! (they run) Where's your gun?
Gangstalicious: Oh, yeah yeah! Ya'll niggas is in for it, now! (takes out his gun, shoots feebly three times, then drops the gun and runs)
(cut to parking lot)
Riley: We need a car. We gon' have to jack someone. Where's your gun?
Gangstalicious: I dropped the gun.
Riley: You dropped the gun?
Gangstalicious: What's done is done, let's be solution oriented. (looks around and then looks at Riley) Do you mind?
Riley: How you gonna drop the gun, Gangstalicious? That is NOT gangsta! That's VERY not gangsta! Man, I can't believe this. YOU A FRAUD!
Gangstalicious: Oh I'm a fraud? You scared too!
Riley: I'm eight.
Gangstalicious: OKAY, FINE! FINE! WHATEVER! I'm a fraud, I'm a fraud. I'm just an average, normal dude. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS STUPID SHIT NO MORE!! I'm tired of gettin' shot. Help!
Riley: It's like going to heaven and finding God smokin' crack!

Gangstalicious: (he and Riley are locked in a car's trunk) You know who my favorite rapper was when I was your age? Ice Cube.
Riley: The dude that makes family movies? He was a gangsta rapper?
Gangstalicious: He was so gangsta. I used to have dreams that Ice Cube came to my house and killed my whole family. And for some reason, I thought he was so cool, and I wanted to be him. When I started to act like that, I could kill 'em, people liked me, girls and them, but, I really wasn't that person. It finally caught up with me. I'm sorry you got caught in the middle.

A Huey Freeman Christmas [1.7]

Jazmine: It's time to take the 'hoooo's' out of the music videos and put 'em in your mouth. Somebody say, "Ho Ho Ho." You see, nowadays everybody thinks "ho ho ho" means the Hilton Sisters standing next to Nicole Richie.

Riley: (throws chair at Santa, then hits him with a golf club) That's yo ass, Santa. I'm gonna get that ass. (sees the security guards coming) Uh-oh. (He flees)
Santa: What the fuck? You're all just gonna stand there and watch me get my ass kicked? Nobody had my back? Huh? Nobody's got Santa's back? Ain't this a bitch. (Gets into some kid's face) That's fucked up with ya'll.
Child: Santa said the F-Word?

Huey: You want me to direct the Christmas play?
Mr. Uberwitz: Absolutely. I think you’ll do a fantastic job.
Huey: First of all, I don’t give a damn about Christmas.
Mr. Uberwitz: You don’t have to do a traditional Christmas play... no, you can do... whatever you want.
Huey: You’ll be fired.
Mr. Uberwitz: Fired? For what?
Huey: For bein’ an irresponsible white person.
Mr. Uberwitz I would really love to see your vision.
Huey: Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself: are you really ready to see that vision?
Mr. Uberwitz: We’ll give you complete creative control.
Huey: (considers for a moment) I want it in writing.

Huey: Granddad? Granddad!
Granddad: I'm sorry boy... what was that?
Huey: I just explained the entire history of Christmas!
Granddad: But it was BO-RING HU-EY! You're just "blah blah, gay sex, blah blah, Congress!"

Riley: Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga. Wait Ho'don. Ho'don. Ho'don. (he erases) Dear Santa, you are a bitch ass nigga. I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you. That's a bitch move, Santa. I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe. Sincurrly yours, the Santa Stalker.

Jazmine: I think you should do a play about what Christmas is really about. Christmas is about how Santa died for our gifts and rose from the dead and moved to the North Pole and because of that, every year Santa comes down to forgive us our sins and give us eternal presents.
Riley: Man, Santa deez nuts! Where was Santa when we was in the hood, huh? Santa ain't showin' nigga no love back then! I didn't ask for much... just rims. Not even the whole car. And what did we get? -Nuttin ! That nigga gon' pay what he owe!

Huey: Have y'all lost your damn minds? Opening night is less than two weeks away and y'all wanna party?
Kid: We're just having some fun.
Huey: Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?
Kid: No...
Huey: Do I LOOK like Charlie Brown?!
Huey: You know what? All y'all are fired!
Kids: (collectively) What? Fired?
Huey: Did I stutter? Beat it!
Mr. Uberwitz: Huey... but it's the entire cast. Are you sure that's a good idea?
Huey: (clears throat) Contract.
Mr. Uberwitz: (to the kids) I'm... sorry guys.
(The kids looks at Quincy Jones.)
Quincy Jones: Hey, don't be lookin' at me.
Huey: Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you! Get ya' asses out! Now!

Santa: Well hello, there. And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
Girl: I want- uh, uh... Santa, you got a red dot on your head.
Uncle Ruckus: (diving in slow motion) Nooooooooo!
Riley: (fires gun)
Uncle Ruckus: (he blocks some of the bullets) Ow! Goddamn! That had to pierce a spleen or something.
Riley: Merry Christmas nigga!
(Santa uses girl to block bullets and girl screams in pain)
Girl: Santa, why? You ruined my childhood!
Riley: You gonna pay what you owe, Santa! You gonna pay what you owe. Running like a bitch.
Uncle Ruckus: (talking on his radio, panting) Backup. I need backup. I'm fat. I can't run very fast. I think I'm having a heart attack and a couple of light strokes.
Riley: (aims carefully at Santa) Merry Christmas nigga. (gun clicks; empty) Damn.

Jazmine: Oh, Huey! You’ve got a lunch meeting at 11:30 about the sound effects for the dog fight sequence.
Huey: Cancel it.
Jazmine: The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play since you fired all the kids.
Huey: (yawning) Don’t care.
Jazmine: And... the principal is in your office to talk about the script.
Huey: Who?
(later, in Huey's office)
Principal: First of all, I just wanted you to know we’re thrilled with the script.
Woman 1: Absolutely fantastic.
Woman 2: Brilliant. Wouldn’t change a thing.
Principal: We just had a couple of notes.
Woman 1: One or two.
Woman 2: Nothing significant.
Principal: (flipping through the script) Lets see, uh, there’s a typo on page five; uh, there’s a continuity problem on page 32 — I think that scene’s supposed to be at night — and, let's see, umm... oh yeah, um, and, uh, Jesus can’t be black.
Huey: What do you mean he can’t be black?
Principal: He can't be black. Maybe we can make Jesus another color.
Woman 1: How bout white?
Huey: But Jesus was black.
Woman 2: We could probably do Italian.
Principal: Jesus was Middle Eastern.
Huey: In addition to Arabs, the Middle East has always had many people of African descent, whom you would consider black.
Principal: Sorry, can’t do it.
Huey: (Clears throat, presents contract)
Principal: Oh right, that. (he tears it to pieces)
Principal: (leaving) Best of luck.
Woman 1: (leaving) Break a leg.
Woman 2: (leaving) I can't wait for opening night.
(camera shows a disappointed Huey with a poster behind him that reveals the chosen title for his play: The Adventures of Black Jesus)

The Real [1.8]

Granddad: Get the hell out of there, you ain’t stealin’ my car. (He swings a golf club wildly, finally connecting with the camera man, whom he knocks down and continues hitting with the club.)
Xzibit: (Later, talking to the camera man) Dude, you got fucked up by that old ass man!

Granndad: So you're saying that the car stops, and the wheels keep spinning? That's amazing!

Jazmine: (wiggling her tooth) The tooth fairy will be coming soon.
Huey: The tooth fairy?
Jazmine: Yup. Everytime I lose a tooth, the tooth fairy takes it away and leaves a dollar under my pillow.
Huey: There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.
Jazmine: Then who's leaving the money?
Huey: Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.
Jazmine: Why would they lie to me?
Huey: Because the truth hurts Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.
Jazmine: (runs away crying)
Secret agent:You enjoy abusing peoples' illusions. I respect that. It's thankless work. (pauses) Do you like my sunglasses? I wear sunglasses because my idol Dr. Bill Cosby wears sunglasses all the time, and you know what they say: "Cosbiness is next to Godliness."
Huey: Who are you?
Secret agent: Nobody, really. Just thought you might want to talk to someone who understands.
Huey: You don't know me.
Secret agent: I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.
Huey: (surprised, he turns around only to find that the man has disappeared)

Riley: All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
Granddad: What did you call me?!
Riley: No, no... I mean "bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
Huey: No disrespect? You just called your granfather "bitches"!
Riley: Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a desrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
Huey: And you're gonna let him get away with this?
Granddad: It's ok. Just this once.
Riley: Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Granddad: Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.
Riley: Shh! Did you hear that?
Huey: What? What is it?
Granddad: I don't hear anything.
Riley: Shh! It's Huey's make-believe government agent in our bathroom taking a dump. (snickers)

Huey: (speaking to the camera, reality TV "confessional" style) I mean, everything we see is a false reality. It's like Big Brother, The Matrix, whatever you wanna call it. While we're watching each other, they're watching us. All the time.

Jazmine: You can believe in secret agents, but I can't believe in the tooth fairy? That's messed up Huey.
Huey: Go... Eat something out of a dumpster... You street urchin!

Riley: (talking to the camera) I was like, "Man, Granddad done fuck it up for everybody!" Oh shit, is he gonna hear me say fuck?

Huey: I've come up with a name for you: "The White Shadow."
Secret agent: Hmm... I'm white; I'm shadowing you. It's very clever.
Huey: And I've decided that you're a figment of my over-active imagination.
Secret agent: Now who's hiding from reality? Just because you're paranoid, Huey, doesn't mean we're not out to get you.
Huey: If you are real: why me?
Secret agent: Oh come on... You understimate yourself. It's a shame what happened to the house. You warned them.
Huey: They wouldnt listen to me; they never listen to me.
Secret agent: I know you want to save the world, Huey, but sometimes people have to learn lessons on their own... the hard way. Well (checks watch), can't miss the Idol. If you ever want to talk, remember: I'm always listening.
Huey: (narrating) Obi-Wan Kenobi said, "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." It seems to be getting harder: distinguishing reality from the illusions people make for us, or from the ones we make for ourselves. I don't know, maybe that's part of the plan — to make me think I'm crazy... it's working.

Riley: Goodnight granddad.
Granddad: (angrily) I'll good your night.
Riley: Goodnight Huey.
Huey: Goodnight Riley.
Riley: Goodnight Huey's imaginary friend(snickers).
Riley: Granddad, Huey's imaginary friend tried to touch me in a private place....hahahaha!
Huey: (sighs)

Return of the King [1.9]

Huey: (narrating) Then, on October 15, during an appearance on Politically Incorrect, King shocked the country.
Bill Maher: Dr. King: Okay... you're an advocate of nonviolence, but guess what? How do you think the United States should respond to the terror attacks of 9/11?
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Well, as a Christian, we are taught that you should love thy enemy, and if attacked, you should turn the other cheek.
Audience: (in disbelief)
MLK: What?
Huey: (continuing) America was outraged.
(cut to press secretary)
Press Secretary: The president was very concerned by some comments made by some "ex-civil rights leaders" and those people in question should uhh... watch their Goddamn fucking mouths.
(cut to Cable news channel)
News anchor: Of course an Al-Qaeda lover like Martin Luther King wants us to just roll over and let the terrorists win... because he hates America. My suggestion? Go take another thirty year nap commie bastard.
Huey: (continuing) In December 2001, CNN named Martin Luther King one of the ten most unpatriotic Americans. His book was canned; his house was vandalized. King renamed his book, Dream Deterred, and it was finally released by a small publisher. It was called "unimpressive" by the Woodcrest Post-Gazette.

Tom: Well, anyway, Doctor King, I just wanted to say that even though you've been catching a lot of flak recently, we're very honored... to meet you. Really...
Riley: (to self) Get off his dick... (he's struck under the table by Huey) OW! Man I'm just sayin' Mr. Dubois ridin' Dr. King like a rodeo show... (he's struck again) OW!
Granddad: Stop it.
Riley: (to MLK) You don't look famous. What are you, an actor? Is you Morgan Freeman? (Huey hits him above the table) OW!
Granddad: Boy stop acting crazy. You know that's Martin Luther King. Now go clear the dishes.
Riley: Why can't this Morgan Freeman-King dude clear the dishes? Shoot, the nigga just had a free meal.
Granddad: Riley! Come here. (he grabs Riley off screen and proceeds to beat him)

Huey: Dr. King? (he knocks on his bedroom door) Dr. King... It's time to get up, you got an interview today.
MLK: I'm not goin'. I quit.
Huey: Dr. King!
MLK: I don't wanna.
Huey: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. you get out of that room and continue to fight for freedom and justice this instant!

MLK: Huey, I just don't think I belong in this new world. I don't know if I need the twenty gig iPod or the forty gig... I tried to download some Mahalia Jackson, but I lost my iTunes password. (looks over to a picture of himself, Gandhi, and Albert Einstein with earphones) I really should have approval over this kind of thing.

MLK: Oh, snap. No they didn't. A boneless rib sandwich? What will they think of next? I know I shouldn't eat these... but, they're for a limited time only... (raises his sandwich to see his face on the McWuncler's trayliner and groans) I really should have approval over this kind of thing.

MLK: (on a cable news talk show) And so the philosophy of this new political party might be considered extremely leftist by some people...
Host: (interrupting) Do you love America?
MLK: I'm sorry?
Host: You sure as hell are, buddy. Why can't liberals ever answer that question with a simple "yes?" Huh? If you ask me if I love America, I say, "yes!" Why can't you say yes? Say you love America right now. Say it.
MLK: (confused) ...The party's basic philosophy is...
Host: (interrupting) Say it!
MLK: Sir, I will not be...
Host: (interrupting) Say it, or SHUT UP! (to the camera) We'll be back with more fair and balanced coverage aft... (he's hit with a chair and falls backwards)
Huey: (runs on stage and starts punching the host)

MLK: Excuse me... brothers and sisters, please (everybody's dancing). Can someone just... turn off... (no one pays attention to him)
Huey: (narrating) King looked out on his people and saw they were in great need, so he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.
MLK: Will you ignorant niggas PLEASE shut the hell up?!
Crowd: (astonished)
MLK: Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo' and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing niggas; and I know you some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language. But that's what I see now — niggas. And you don't want to be a nigga. Because niggas are living contradictions. Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions. Niggas wax and wane. Niggs love to complain. Niggas love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain. Niggas love being another man's judge and jury. Niggas procrastinate until it's time to worry. Niggas love to be late. Niggas hate to hurry!...

MLK: (continuing) Black Entertainment Television is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life!

MLK: (continuing) Usher, Michael Jackson is NOT a genre of music!

MLK: (continuing) And now I'd like to talk about Soul Plane...

MLK: (continuing) I've seen what's around the corner. I've seen what's over the horizon and I promise you, you niggas have nothing to celebrate! And no, I won't get there with you... I'm going to Canada.

Huey: (narrating) That was the last time I saw Dr. King, but the story doesn’t end there. King’s speech was replayed the entire next day on the cable news channels. Then, something unexpected happened: people got angry...
Reporter: Nobody knows exactly what to attribute to the sharp decline in African American dropout rates...
Reporter 2: ...every African American player in the NBA refusing to play until there is a full troop withdrawal from...
Reporter 3: ...Billionaire Bob Johnson apologizing to Black America for the network he founded...
Reporter 4: ...the White House and Congress are receiving an unprecedented amount of calls form irate African Americans...
Huey: (continuing)...and the revolution finally came.
(Huge crowd seen protesting loudly in front of the gates of the White House. Police shoot tear gas into the crowd.)
Cut to: Newspaper sub-headline: Martin Luther King Jr. dies in Vancouver, B.C. at 91 years old
Zoom out to reveal main headline: Oprah Winfrey Elected President
Huey: It’s fun to dream.

The Itis [1.10]

Huey: Granddad, is this the broccoli I bought at the store today?
Granddad: Yep. I cooked it up for you.
Huey: You cooked it with the ham!
Granddad: It's pork-flavored broccoli.
Huey: Granddad, there's more pork in the pork-flavored broccoli than there is broccoli. We talked about this. Vegetables cooked with pork counts as pork.

Sarah: Hey everyone, I brought peach cobbler.
Riley: Ewww... Ms. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up.
Granddad: Boy!
Riley: It do! Look it look like throw up with peas in it. Ms. Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Granddad: Boy come here; what wrong with you?
Riley: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She da one who brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.
Granddad: That is not vomit. It just look like vomit. Now apologize to Ms. Dubois.
Sarah: Um, i-i-it's okay... really...
Riley: Fine: Ms. Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
Granddad: Damnit boy!
Sarah: Guys, please, you know we don't have to...
Riley: I don't care if you beat me Granddad, I won't eat it! That is disgusting! It's completely uncalled for!
Granddad: You'll eat it if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat.
Sarah: Really I didn't mean for it to be...
Riley: I know what you're tryin' do. You tryin' kill me. I hate you!
(Riley runs out the room with Granddad running after him. Scene shows Huey, Jazmine, Sarah and Tom watching Riley getting "whipped" offscreen)
Granddad: You are gonna eat that cobbler and you gonna ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!!!
Riley (while Granddad is talking): I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!!!

Ed Wuncler Sr.: I own all the businesses on this block. Everything except Meadowlark Memorial Park. I've been trying to buy that park for years, but the state is trying to butt-fuck me on the price. But we'll see who butt-fucks who.
Granddad: Wow, I didn't know Meadowlark Lemon died.
Ed Wuncler Sr.: Who's Meadowlark Lemon?

Huey: Is this one of your menus? Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast-lasagna?
Granddad: Yep.
Huey: Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish? Granddad, you can't serve this kind of food to people. It'll cause... death.
Riley: (eating Granddad's Luther burger) Whoa, this is what crack must feel like.
Granddad: Shame on you, Huey. Move out to the suburbs and suddenly you too good for soul food. Perhaps you would enjoy a spot of cheese and a buttered scone, white boy?
(Riley faints)
Granddad: Boy, boy: are you okay? I'm sure it's just the itis, right?
Huey: That or insulin shock. Do CPR.
Granddad: (thinks for a moment)...RILEY, WAKE UP!
Huey: Yeah, I'm not sure yelling at him is gonna help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
Granddad: I tried to learn CPR but they wouldn't let me...'cause I was black.
Huey: What?
Granddad: Oh, sure, nowadays y'all can just run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to — just go around savin' lives, resuscitating each other willy-nilly — but when I was a young man it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, okay?
Huey: (thinks for a moment) Man, that's not true!
Riley: (wearily) Granddad... is that you?
Granddad: Oh, boy, I thought we lost you there for a second. How was the Luther (burger)?
Riley: (smiling) Best... thing... ever... (he falls back asleep)
Granddad: Sounds like an endorsement to me.

Granddad: Just what joy do you get out of tryin' to crush all of my dreams, Huey? Do you know how long I've wanted to own my own restaurant?
Huey: Three weeks. At Sunday dinner; that was the first time you mentioned it, and you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable! (show pauses)
Huey: (narrating) We're gonna pause this for the benefit of all y'all who never saw Soul Food. Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous, black grandmother aptly named Big Mama. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard. Then — get this — Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm!
Granddad: (narrating) It was her leg!
Huey: Right. Ok. Whatever. Leg. Then, she dies of a heart attack. Or another stroke or something.
Granddad: God called her home.
Huey: And what does the family do after she dies? They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama. THE SAME FOOD! Nobody learned a lesson! Nobody went on a diet! And that's the end of the movie.

Customer: Let's see, um, this is my first time here, but all my friends rave about it. What's good?
Huey: Oh... Everything here'll kill you. Run.
Granddad: (hearing this, pulls Huey into the kitchen) Fine. You wanna keep playin' around? Now you can wash the dishes.
Huey: Granddad, look what you've done to this community!
Granddad: It's not that bad.
Huey: Not that bad? This place used to sit between a coffee shop and a day spa. Now there's a liquor store and a damn Foot Locker. This food is destructive!
Granddad: This food is your culture!
Huey: Then the culture's destructive!
Chico: He's right Señor Freeman. All African American slaves had to eat was the parts of the pigs the slavemasters wouldn't eat. But that was a survival technique, ese; they didn't really have a choice. (holds up pig intestines) I don't think people are supposed to eat this stuff, but at least not so much.
Huey and Granddad: (staring at him)
Chico: What? I can't take an Afro-American studies class at the community college?
Granddad: Well, nobody asked you, Chico. This is my restaurant and we'll serve the food that I want to serve... Señor.
Wuncler: (walking in) Actually, it's my restaurant, and it's shutting down. Sorry, Robert, it was fun while it lasted.
Granddad: But... what happened?
(cut to dining area)
Huey: (narrating) Granddad learned white people have their own survival techniques. They call it litigation. Janet O'Siren had gone from this (thin), to this (fat), and back to this (thin) with the help of two liposuctions and emergency gastrointestinal surgery.
Janet's lawyer: We want half a million for medical bills and four million in emotional damages.
Wuncler's lawyer: We'll pay her insurance deductible.
Janet: Deal. And... um... one last Luther burger.
Wuncler: Chico!
Chico: (brings her the burger)
Huey: (narrating) Wuncler feared it would be the first of many lawsuits against The Itis. Granddad's restaurant was no more.
Janet: (signs the contract and begins eating the burger)
Granddad: This isn't fair. The people liked this restaurant. And they liked me. I never wanted to hurt anybody.
Janet: (begins to have a heart attack)
Janet's lawyer: Janet, are you okay? I think she's having a heart attack!
Wuncler: I believe our business is done. Have a nice day. (he and his lawyers leave) Call me later, Robert.
Janet's lawyer: (on his cell phone) Hello? 911? My client's having a heart attack...
Huey: (to himself) They're not gonna come...
Janet's lawyer: ...yes, we're on the corner of, umm, uh, Cherry Street and Fifth, right across from Meadowlark Park. (phone clicks) Hello? (Janet passes out)
Huey: Told you. Don't you know CPR?
Janet's lawyer: I'm a lawyer... we don't help people... What about you guys, don't you know CPR?
Huey and Granddad: (look at each other)

Let's Nab Oprah [1.11]

Gin Rummy: Man, I don't get that.
Ed Wuncler III: Get what?
Gin Rummy: That textin' shit!
Ed Wuncler: And what's wrong with textin'?
Gin Rummy: You mean aside from the fact that it's the stupidest fucking thing in the world? I mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend fifteen minutes tryin' to type some shit they could've called and said in five seconds? Plus, it involves typing with your thumbs, which I just don't approve of. Shit, I don't know about you, but I don't have time to read nothin' that a motherfucker typed with his thumbs. Fun fact: Nothing typed by someone's thumbs has ever been important. It's all just Nigga Technology anyway.
Ed: What'd you call it?
Gin Rummy: Nigga Technology. Technology for Niggas. And you don't start trippin' and shit, call me a racist. 'Cause I don't mean Nigga in a disrespectful way, I-I mean it as a general term for an ignorant motherfucker. Anybody of any race can be an ignorant motherfucker.
Ed: Shit, I be textin' my ass off, shit, bitches like text! I be textin' 'em all the time; 'matter of fact, I also be textin' my weed man, too, cause, you know, he don't like to be on the phone, so I text 'im!
Gin Rummy: ...Case in point.
Gin Rummy: So basically, Nigga Technology is anything that doesn't plug into a printer. Does that plug into a printer?
Ed: No.
Gin Rummy: Know why? 'Cause niggas never have anything to print.

Ed: I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces.

Wuncler III: (Looking at his watch after robbing a bank) Twenty-two minutes.
Gin Rummy: We suck! We fuckin suck, man! And, I forgot to ask for the money again! I ALWAYS forget to ask for the money!
Ed Wuncler III: I don't think twenty-two minutes isn't so bad
Gin Rummy: Not so bad? That's a whole episode of Seinfeld! It takes us a whole episode of Sein-fuckin'-feld to rob a bank!
Ed Wuncler III: Stop bein' such a perfectionist.
Riley: Ed, we both know that if your grandfather didn't own this bank, we would've never gotten away with this shit. (cut to a sign in front of the building that says Wuncler Savings & Loan)
Ed Wuncler III: SHUT UP, RILEY!!!

(Huey and Riley are fighting in the kitchen)
Granddad: Boys...what the hell?!
Riley: I ain't doin' nothin', Granddad! I was just gon' go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater!
Granddad: What the hell is wrong with you, Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business!
Huey: Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
Riley: There he go hatin' again!
Granddad: Boy! Stop hatin'!
Huey: What about the time that Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun, and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?!
(Cutscene to 'Garden Party' when Riley shot Ed out of the window)
Granddad: Ohhh...that did happen, didn't it?
Riley: Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?!
Huey: Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the mini-mart?!
(Cutscene to 'A Date with the Health Inspector' during the gun fight)
Riley: They was fightin' terrorism! Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today! That's messed up, you don't support the troops, Huey!
Granddad: That is kind of messed up, Huey. Be back by dinner.
Riley: Ha!

(Ed and Riley are playing Playstation 2)
Wuncler III: This is some bullshit. The game cheatin!
Riley: Nigga the game ain't cheatin'.
Wuncler III: Start the game over!
Riley: Why you always gotta cheat when you lose, Ed!?
Gin Rummy: (to Riley) Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wuncler.
(Ed pulls one of his guns out and shoots the game console repeatedly, shattering it into pieces)
Wuncler III: (while pointing gun at Riley) Restart the game now!

Gin Rummy: Oh, snap! What if we kidnap Oprah?!
Wuncler III: And do what?
Gin Rummy: Control of Oprah is control over women.
Wuncler III: Wait, I see where you're going. See, cause, like, control over control over bitches!
Gin Rummy: Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world! Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste to an entire industry with a mere utterance! She's a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature and with her under our control...nobody would be able to stop us!
Riley: Who's trying to stop you? Nobody ever tries to stop you.
Gin Rummy: Yes, they do.
Riley: No they don't.
Gin Rummy: Hey, just because we don't know anyone trying to stop us don't mean there ain't nobody out there tryin' to stop us. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: Seems to me like everyone just lets y'all do whatever you want. That's why y'all always get away.
Gin Rummy: We get away because I'm a criminal mastermind.
Riley: ...Whatever, nigga.

Wuncler III: Well excuse me, for being into computers and shit. Aight?
Gin Rummy: First of all, motherfucker, just because you put a two-way pager in the middle of your desk don't make it a computer. It's a two-way pager, aight?
Wuncler III: Okay. Then, what's the difference?
Gin Rummy: The difference is a computer is something that does actual work. Nigga technology don't do much more than let dumb niggas talk to other dumb niggas about dumb nigga shit.

Gin Rummy: Maya Angelou? Maya "And I Rise" Angelou?

Wuncler III: It was all Rummy's fault.
Gin Rummy: Ed ran into the wrong store. I was following Ed.
Wuncler III: How was I suppose to know which bookstore to go into? They look exactly the same and they both got books.
Riley: There was a giant crowd of people outside of one.
Wuncler III: That don't mean Oprah was in there.
Riley: There was a large sign outside that said "Welcome Oprah". Y'all are lucky Ed's grandfather owns the cops.

Wuncler III: (in a pool with water wings on) Hey, why ya'll leavin me out here? One of y'all motherfuckers better come out here and get me, I know that, or you will be livin in a haunted house tonight!
Gin Rummy: Swim, bitch!

Gin Rummy: Whoa. Bushido Brown. Aw, damn, I was afraid of this.
Riley: Who's Bushido Brown?
Gin Rummy: A bona fide bad motherfucker, that's who. You remember when Oprah made them comments about the beef industry?
Riley: No.
Gin Rummy: Okay well, a few years back, Oprah said some shit on her show about beef, you know, Mad Cow Disease or some shit. Anyway, the beef industry didn't exactly find that shit amusing. They thought they would send a crew of armed Texans to go teach Oprah a lesson. Ex-marines, ex-Texas rangers, rouges, that kinda shit, but Oprah hired Bushido Brown as her personal bodyguard. Apparently, only one dude was able to actually lay a hand on Oprah's office door. They say...Bushido Brown kept that hand.
Wuncler III: ...I think I just shit myself.
Gin Rummy: Oh no. We can't just stroll up in there if Bushido Brown is there. We need a plan. And um...(to Ed) - Go change your pants.

Huey: Pretty strange, huh? Armed gunmen. Assault a bookstore. To kidnap Maya Angelou.
Riley: Hey. I heard she had enemies.
Huey: Even stranger, Oprah Winfrey was right across the street when it happened.
Riley: I don't know anything about no plot to kidnap nobody.
Huey: SO..Ed and Rummy DO have a plan to kidnap Oprah.

Wuncler III: Isn't that your brother?

What's he doin' here?

Riley: He's tryin' to stop you.
Wuncler III: Really?
Rummy: Why? What'd we ever do to him?
Wuncler III: Sound like a hater to me.
Riley: (dials his cell phone) Hello? Yes, there's a little boy comin' right now to hurt Oprah. He's got a big stupid afro and a very poor disposition. He's on the east side of the buildin'. Aight. Peace.

Rummy: (Gunfires) Get down!! Everybody get dow, Now!!!!
Wuncler III: (Throws tear-gas) Wheres Oprah?!!
Rummy: : Well? Where she at?!!
Wuncler III: Wheres Oprah?!! (asks scared guy) Wheres Oprah, punk?! (Melees guy) G-yahhhh!!! Bitch!!
Rummy: Tell me where that bitch is. You better tell me where Oprah is on the count of 3 or..or..or..or

Or I'm gonna kill the oldest bitch up in here!! (Elder ladies look at the oldest)

Old Lady #3: That's real fucked up Edna!
Wuncler III: I've found her!!
Riley: Body snatcher 3 to Body snatcher 2. Where are you?
Rummy: Were at book store. Were about to extract the package.
Riley: What book store?
Rummy: The Borders. Next to Starbucks
Riley: No!!! Its the Barns & Nobles. Next to the coffee bean.
Wuncler III: G-yahhh!!! Bitch!!!

Huey: (narrating) Ed and Rummy kidnapped Bill Cosby. (pause) But, he was really annoying, so they returned him to the studio fifteen minutes later. As usual, no one even thought about stopping them. Riley had gotten away, but returned several hours later when he realized he had dropped his two-way pager.
Riley: (Leans over to pick up the pager but stops when he notices Huey's shadow.)
Huey: (Punches Riley in the face, sending him flying backwards)
Riley: Okay, okay, okay... let me explain...
Huey: (Dragging Riley away and hitting him repeatedly in the head) You must have lost your mind! You do not kidnap Oprah!

Riley Wuz Here [1.12]

Riley: It wudn't me!
Officer: It says, "Riley was here."
Riley: Well maybe it was another Riley.
Officer: You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
Tom: Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
Riley: (smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
Tom: (interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Riley: Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
Tom: (interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
Riley: And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
Tom: (enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
Huey: Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Granddad: Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
Huey: Uh, No reason.
Riley: Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
Tom: Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
Riley: White... I just assumed he was in charge.
Officer: Why?
Riley: 'Cause he was white!
Officer: And just what did this white man look like?
Riley: He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Granddad: Boy, you better work your mouth!
Riley: If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
Granddad: (scowls)

Huey: We all know that the images we see can elicit strong emotional reactions. But I always wondered, can the images we see do more than hurt us emotionally? Is it possible to see something so bad that it actually hurts you physically? In other words, can too much black television kill you?

Art teacher: ...and what the heck. Let's have some mountains and some clouds; oh, and of course some joyful little trees... right there. (turns to Riley) Isn't that beautiful? I love painting trees. What do you like to paint, Riley? Hehehheh, aside from your own name, of course.
Riley: I got in trouble 'cause a you. I thought it was yo' house.
Art teacher: It was my mistake. But you'll find I don't really believe in mistakes. I believe in "happy accidents." Because you got in trouble, your granddad hired me, and we are gonna have so much fun.
Riley: (looks away defiantly)
Art teacher: Well, Riley, I certainly don't want to keep you here if you don't want to. Your granddad wants to make sure I make you do just one drawing a day — then you can go.
Riley: I jus' gotta draw one thing?
Art teacher: Anything you want, heheh, have fun.
Riley: Cool. (he grabs a pencil and paper and draws something in seconds)
Riley: (walking away, sets the paper down next to the art teacher and heads toward the door)
Art teacher: (chuckles audibly)
Riley: (hearing chuckle, turns around) What?
Art teacher: Oh nothing, heheh... you're free to go.
Riley: What's funny?
Art teacher: Nothing, nothing at all. I'll call your granddad and tell him you're walking home.
Riley: (aggressively) I wudn't really trying, I could do better if I wanted.
Art teacher: (crumples up Riley's drawing) Oh I'm sure. (he throws it away)
Riley: (surprised, then angry) Hey! You ain't have to ball it up and throw it in the trash! You know what? That's disrespectful! Yo' mama shoulda raised you better. (he leaves)
Art teacher: (Continues to paint)
Riley: (returns and retrieves his crumpled-up drawing) I wudn't even really tryin'. (he leaves again)

(the next day)
Art teacher: ...then just do it real quick like before.
Riley: Oh, I get it. Is that how you get yo' kicks? You get little kids to draw stuff when they ain't even really tryin' that hard, jus' so you can laugh? You sick!
Riley: (walks over to his desk to draw a picture)
Art teacher: (after a few seconds) Finished?
Riley: No, man! Damn, stop sweatin' me! I mean can I draw? Can I put the damn lines on the pages, please? Please?!

Riley: I wanna paint Scarface shooting at like fifteen Colombian drug lords... with bitches!

Riley: I can't believe it man! How niggas gon— Man, how niggas gonna just come by, and just sign they name on someone else's shit? All after the fact? Tryin' to steal my shine! Man, that's some ol' bullshit! DAMN!
Art Teacher: You know, Riley, the moon steals its shine from the sun, and no one ever gets the two confused. Take it as a compliment.
Riley: Why can't niggas do them? Huh? Why niggas got to do me? Why niggas go to....RIDE ME LIKE A RODEO SHOW?! Why can't they sign on THEY OWN SHIT?!

Huey: Wus good y'all? You niggas is makin' a whole lotta noise.
Granddad: Where you been?
Huey: Just, you know, chillin', you know, jus' doin' my little TV watchin' thing. You know? Doin' me...
(later; Huey has done nothing but watch black television shows for two weeks.)
Bill Cosby: (on the TV) You know when you takin' a dookie and it's a dump that ain't the dookie you wanted to take, but it's the dookie that the dookie wanted to take? It's working you over, not like how you wanted... (Riley walks in front of the TV)
Huey: Yo! Move! You blocking the TV, nigga!
Riley: (opens an album and takes one of the pictures) Hey, don't tell Granddad I left.
Huey: We got any grape soda?
Riley: ...Nigga, you stupid.

Art Teacher: It's the police! I don't really like the police very much.
Riley: Me neither!
Art Teacher: Good! Then I'm gonna drive really fast, so we can get away from them!... if that's okay with you.
Riley: Yea!
Art teacher: That's great! Hold on...

Art teacher: I think it's time we lost these guys.

(the art teacher pulls out a gun)

Wingmen [1.13]

Riley: Oh, um, Granddad... There was something I was supposed to tell you. Uh, yea, I think that, uh, Aunt Cookie called and I think it was important.
Granddad: What? Did you write it down?
Riley: Naw, but uh….. It was somethin’ about this dude named Mo.
Granddad: Mo? You mean Mo Jackson?
Riley: Yea yea, that’s him. Uh, I think it was uh, somethin’ about… ooh ooh, wait, I remember now… Yea. Somethin’ about him dyin’... or something.
Granddad: Mo’s dead?
Riley: Yeah, I think so. Somethin’ like that. Oh well, I’m not really sure. You should prolly call her back.
Granddad: Well how long ago did she call?
Riley: I dunno. Few days ago?

Jazmine:You wanna come over to my house tomorrow after school and watch TV?
Huey: (bluntly) No.
Jazmine: You wanna come over and... play video games?
Huey: No.
Jazmine: Do you wanna come over and... have a jump rope contest?
Huey: I’m goin’ back home to Chicago.
Jazmine: For good?
Huey: No. I wish. We’re goin’ for a funeral — one of my granddad’s old friends. I’m gonna get to see my best friend Cairo.
Jazmine: Cairo is your best friend?
Huey: Yeah. But I haven’t talked to him since I moved.
Jazmine: How can he be your best friend if you never talk to him?
Huey: (ponders question for a moment)
Jazmine: I don’t think I have a best friend...
Huey: Sucks for you. (starts walking away) Well, if I never come back, have a nice life.
Jazmine: (to herself) Bye.

Granddad: What was the question?
Riley: You asked us if we wanted to hear a really long story and we said "no."

Huey: Yo, Cairo!
Cairo: (tenuously) Wassup man?
Huey: I been hittin you up.
Cairo: Yeah. You know. Been busy.
Huey: So... wassup?
Dewey: What’s up? Struggle is up, brutha. O-pression is up, brutha. Salami eggs and bacon. My name is Dewey Obababa-OOOOOhh-mamase-mamasa-mamakosa... Jenkins.
Riley: Nigga, what!?
Dewey: Ohhhhhhh... This must be the famous revolutionary Huey Freeman. Isn’t this the brother who used to be your homeboy? But then he ran away to... What was that? Whitecrest?

Mabeline: Robert? Ooo I can't believe it's you. It Mab'line, I haven't seen you in fotie years my goodness. (Licks hers lips)
Granddad: (Stares at Mabeline dumbfounded)
Mabeline: Oh, ohh! You don't remember me. Ohh I see, oh ain't good enough fo ya now you dun moooved out tha neighborhood huh? Well I betcha if I was ah WHITE BITCH YOU'D MEMBER ME! But I fo'gives ya. Ho but look attchas Robert. You look good all wrinkled up and soft. Whoo, If I didn't have dis bad hip I'd drop it like it's hot, whoo! Hoo boy HOO, I'd take off deez teeth and do sum thangs that Hoo yeah! Jesus! (Slobbers)
Granddad: (Echoing screams)

Man: Hey hey, Robert hey! I heard you was going to be delevering the eulogy. I think that mighty nice of you. I know you and Mo had some bad blood.
Granddad: Well, what's in the past is in the past.
Man: (Starts laughing) Yeah, I remember how Mo talk about how he couldn't stand yo black ass. Woo, ha! I remember it like it was last week. Matter of fact, I think it was last week.
Granddad: Last week?!
Man: Aw man you should of heard him Robert! He was on ah roll, heh! You was all kinds of bitches and muthafuckers! He was like Chappelle or something!
Granddad: He called me a muthafucker last week?! He said that last week?!
Man: Sho did, I think tuesday. Bout 1:48 PM.
Granddad: Well ain't this ah bitch.
Man: And what surprized me, was you be all kinds muthafuckers really had nothing to do with tha damn conversation. What was we talking about? (Puts his hand on Granddad shoulder.) Soybeans. Whoo, you ah bigger man than me. (Starts to walk away.) I don't think I can talk nice about somebody who said that kind of stuff bout me or my mama, hmp. I-am-not-the-one.

Granddad: I can’t believe I let Mo talk me into this.
Aunt Cookie: Well you already here. He said he left you something nice. You might as well go on and get it over with.
Granddad: (scowls)
Aunt Cookie: Do you know what you gonna say?
Granddad: No.
Aunt Cookie: Well, don’t worry. Just read this (she presents a piece of paper to him). Mo wrote it. He thought you might have some trouble.
Granddad: (steps to the podium, starts reading the paper) Everything I have in life I owe to Mo Jackson... (looks questioningly at Aunt Cookie)
Aunt Cookie: (urges him on)
Granddad: (tentatively) I’m not gay, but Mo was a very sexy man. We used to call him Mo bitches? I once saw Mo in his underwear? And it changed my life? I wish I had a father like Mo Jackson. Mo Jackson paid my rent over fifty times?! ... Okay this is bullshit.
Audience: (collectively gasps)
Granddad: Mo Jackson was a asshole.
Audience: (collectively gasps again)
Granddad: Mo Jackson was a petty, immature, selfish man. Oh he was good at one thing: that’s bringin’ the worst out of everybody he met. I came up here because I thought Mo wanted to make things right. But it was just one more chance for him to make a fool out of me. (he walks off stage; people start murmuring amongst themselves)
Man Sitting At a Table: Yeah, and that nigga owed me five dollars!
Dewey: (takes the microphone) Brothers, sisters… please. I think it’s time for a poem: Doom comes like a vacuum, ‘cause death sucks and smells like a raccoon or a baboon...

Granddad: I'll never forget it. I was on my way to see the gal I was portin' at the time. I can't remember her name, oh but I loved her. She was the prettiest thing. (Flashback to young Granddad walking down the street with a bouquet of roses for said girl. He stops and see young Mo making out with the girl in an allyway.)
Mo: Do a little something strange for a piece change. Damn, I love to hit me this again. Damn.
Granddad: (Stands in shock and drops the bouquet on the sidewalk at his feet.)

Granddad: I just couldn't forgive him.
Aunt Cookie: Robert, that girl wasn't your girlfriend. You asked for her phone number once and never called.
Granddad: But I was gonna call. "What's-her-name" could have been the one. Mo took that from me.
Aunt Cookie: Robert, you wanna see what Mo took from you?
Mabeline: It's Mabeline nig-guh!
Granddad: (Echoing screams)

Dewey: ...Death kills us like crack killed Pooky... Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie. Chewbacca was a wookie. Revolution.
Audience: (confused)
Riley: Booo... Hey! "Erykah BaDewey"! That was real gay my nigga. Cut that out.
Cairo: Shut up, Riley!
Huey: What’s wrong with you Cairo?! That nigga’s corny.
Cairo: Corny? Nigga, you’re corny. At least he’s here. Why don’t you follow your punk-ass granddaddy back to Whitesville? Fake nigga.
Huey: (gives Cairo a left hook to the face)
Riley: (looks over at Dewey)
Dewey: (becomes nervous, runs)
Riley: Don’t run, nigga, I see you!

Granddad: (approaches podium once more, sighs) Here’s the thing. Relationships are like people, I guess. They begin, they have adventures, they grow old, and they die. Me and Mo both made it to old age, but we let our friendship die way too young. And that was really stupid of us. Mo thought I was good at saying deep things. But I’m not. Huey, say somethin’ deep.
Huey: (not paying attention, having just had his fight with Cairo broken up) Huh?
Granddad: I ain’t got all day, boy. Be deep.
Huey: (sighs) "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." Kahlil Gibran.
Audience: (silenced)
Dewey: Didn’t rhyme...
Granddad: Thanks for bein’ the bigger man, Mo.

Huey: (rings bell, Cairo answers, and is immediately aggressive) I’m sorry...
Cairo: (softens, offers hand)
Huey: (surprised, shakes Cairo's hand)
Cairo: (pulls Huey toward him and head-butts him hard)
Huey: (goes flying off the porch and lands hard on the pavement)
Cairo: (slams door)
Huey: (narrating) Being the bigger man is overrated.
Riley: (standing over him) You got knocked the f– !
Granddad: (gives stern look)
Riley: Never mind.

Jazmine: (excited, runs toward Huey) You came back! Did you miss me?
Huey: Maybe.
Jazmine: (chuckles) I bet you did. ‘Cause I don’t headbutt you in the face like your other so called friends.

The Block is Hot [1.14]

Huey: (to Riley, who's spraying the water out of a hydrant) Riley!
Riley:(looks up) What?
Huey: White people have pools.
Riley: Nigga, what's wit the coat?!

Huey: WHAT?
Uncle Ruckus: (even louder) YOU HEARD ME. TURN OFF THAT GODDAMN...BLACK...AFRICAN...CONGO...JUNGLE...NOISE! (Riley turns water from the hydrant to Ruckus) Son of a bitch! (Opens the door to his truck, gets in) I got something for yo' black ass! You wait a minute here!

News Reporter: The police were responding to a call about a broken fire hydrant when they pulled over the suspect here on Timid Dear Lane. The officers apparently mistook the suspect's safety orange wallet for a gun and shot at him 118 times and beat him.
Riley: (being questioned) What did I see? Well, that brings up an interesting philisophical question: Is it okay to snitch to the police, on the police?

Huey: (talking to man as man walks by) Prozac can lead to suicide.
Jazmine: But lemonade can lead to smiles, which can cause dimples.
Man: (delighted) Dimples? I'll take two!
Jazmine: Thank you. (to Huey) You're good for business!

Riley: (still talking to police) I'm not sayin' I do have a videotape, but I'm not sayin' I don't, either. Hypothetically speaking, how much would you pay for somethin' like that?

Jazmine: So when do I get to see Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony?
Wuncler: (acutely) When you learn how to run a respectable business.
Jazmine: Huh?
Wuncler: What the hell is up with this sign? What's this crude drawing suppose to be?
Jazmine: I-it's the M-M-Magical Pony Carriage.
Wuncler: This looks like a kid drew it. Look at this, why are all the "e's" backwards?
Jazmine: I-I-It... It's suppose to be c-cute.
Wuncler: You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think you think mental retardation is down right adorable. Lemonade, now! (Jazmine starts to cry and tries to pour a glass) How is anyone supposed to believe you can make lemonade when you can't even spell it? How old are you?
Jazmine: (crying) T-T-T-Ten.
Wuncler: (mocking her stuttering) T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your "e's" backwards, damnit! (walks away, chuckles)
Wuncler: (speaking under his breath) Squirm little worm.
Jazmine: What happened?
Huey: It's okay Jazmine; you don't need him.
Jazmine: (angrily) What do you mean I don't need him?
Huey: Well you're not gonna let him treat you like that?
Jazmine: What, you think ponies grow on trees?
Huey: What kind of question is that? It's a large four-legged mammal.
Jazmine: Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I gonna look, Huey? A sixty-five year old woman riding a pony...
Huey: Jazmine, he's a crook...
Jazmine: You just want everyone to be miserable because you're miserable. AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT STUPID COAT?.. wish you'd go away...

Granddad: (pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
Female customer: (speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
Granddad: You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
Riley: (slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
Jazmine: Lemonade is a dollar.
Riley: That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
Jazmine: Lemonade is a dollar!
Riley: I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Jazmine: Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Granddad: Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
Jazmine: (stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
Huey: Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
Jazmine: You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
Huey: Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
Jazmine: Next!
(cut to Tom)
Tom: Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Jazmine: Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
Tom: Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
Annoyed customer one: I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
Annoyed customer two: I'm thirsty!
Wuncler: (approaching Tom) What's the problem?
Tom: Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Wuncler: Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
Jazmine: What?!
Wuncler: He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
Jazmine: (begins sobbing loudly)
Tom: (obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
Jazmine: I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
Wuncler: (pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
Tom: (nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)

Huey: (narrating) Maybe the heat does make people crazy (child labor protesters and lemonade customers are fighting each other). Before you know it, crazy becomes normal (they continue rioting).
Huey: (later, narrating; clouds form, snow begins to fall) But, sanity eventually returned, and when it does, you better have your coat.

The Passion of Ruckus [1.15]

Ronald Reagan:(talking to Ruckus) White heaven is for decent, good, god fearing Christians who just happen to, well, hate everyone and everything relating to black people. That means no Muhammad Ali, no hip hop music, and no fucking Jesse Jackson.
Uncle Ruckus:What about Whoopi Goldberg?
Ronald Reagan: Nope
Uncle Ruckus: Oh, this IS Heaven.
Ronald Reagan: Turns out that God really doesn’t have that much of a problem with racism. He doesn’t even remember slavery, except in February. Personally, I hate black people, Ruckus. That’s why I did everything I could to make their lives miserable. Crack? Me. AIDS? Me. Reaganomics? (chuckles) C'mon. I'm in the name.

(Doorbell rings, Granddad answers)
Uncle Ruckus: God bless you Robert. How are you this fine morning?
Robert: You not a Jehova Witness now are you? Cause I’m in the Jehova Witness protection program.
Uncle Ruckus: (laughs) Robert, I’m dying. That’s right. Went to the doctor this morning. I only got six months to live... tumor on the back. They call it "bigus backus tumoritis," or some other big word that my tiny negro brain and big lips can’t pro-nounce. Doctors say they can’t operate, but praise be to white God and his son, white Jesus!
Robert: Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Ruckus. You’re not contagious, are you?
Uncle Ruckus: Just contagious with the Holy Spirit of our Caucasian savior. I’m on a mission from God.

Huey: At this point we’re resorting to what I call “desperation tactics.”
Shabazz: Such as?
Huey: (whispering) I’ve sent anonymous letters to the governor threatening to expose his gay lover.
Shabazz: I wasn’t aware the governor was gay…
Huey: He probably isn’t. But I figure ten percent of the population is gay, and probably about half of people cheat on their spouses; so I figure that plan has about a five percent chance of success. Better than nothing.
Shabazz: Huey…
Huey: What? You always say I should have faith. Well that’s me having faith. Random anonymous blackmail...

Riley: Why don't you just holla at him?
Inmate: Pshh, I don't know. He's so detached. We used to spend all our yard time together. We used to lift weights together every day. He doesn't even spot me anymore. I think there's somebody else.
Riley: ...Jail nigga, you gay.

Jazmine: Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.
Riley: (interrupting) First of all, I'm gonna live forever, but if I do die I'm gonna smack God upside the head and go tell him to get me a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos...
Jazmine: (to Huey) When I want something, or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?
Riley: (interrupting) ...And I dare God to say something. I be like, "Say somethin' God! Say somethin'! Yea I thought so..."
Jazmine: (to Huey) You should pray for Shabazz — God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to Him... He's God.
Riley: (continuing)...And if God say somethin' I be like this. (he makes punching motions) Take that God. (Huey shakes his head) I be beatin' God's jaw like blikaa, blaa.

Huey: But granddad you promised to take me to the prison tonight…
Granddad: Not tonight – somebody has to talk some sense into Ruckus.
Huey: But I’m tryin’ to save my friend!
Granddad: Me, too.
Huey: But I promised him! I gave him my word I’d be there!
Granddad: He’s gonna die, and there’s nothin’ you can do about it.
Huey: (dejected)
Granddad: (kneels, sighs, and touches Huey’s shoulder) You should pray for your friend, Huey. That’s all anyone can do f...
Ruckus: (on the television, interrupting) Martin Luther King and all the colored folks that died before (he continues talking)
Huey: What makes your god any less made up than his?
Huey: (later) Operation Black Steel — the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Milton Berle — was aborted... 'cause I couldn't get a ride.

Huey: (praying in his head, on his knees, in tears) I never prayed before. I don’t even know who I'm prayin’ to. Maybe I'm too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. It can’t be this. So... please.

(Cut to the governor's office)
Man: Governor!
Governor: What is it?
Man: They found out about Raul!

(Cut to Uncle Ruckus's revival)
Uncle Ruckus: Now let us pray. Lord, I have spent my whole life hatin’ you for makin’ me black. And now I see I must hate myself and all those like me, and cause them misery just like your savior Ronald Reagan did. And if any of my words don’t come directly from the almighty God himself, then may I be struck by lightnin’ right this very instant! Halle... ahhhhhhhh! (he’s struck by lightning, which causes a city-wide power outage)

(Cut to Shabazz in the execution chamber. The power goes out right as the switch is pulled, and comes back on moments later. A phone rings)
Prison guard: What just happened?
Shabazz: Would somebody like to get that? I think it’s for me.

Huey: (narrating) The lightning bolt that saved Shabazz’s life seemed to have struck Uncle Ruckus on his tumor. Doctors would find no remaining signs of his cancer. Some called it a miracle. (pauses) And maybe there are forces in this universe we don’t understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles.

Huey: (later, narrating) Shabazz K. Milton Berle was not yet free, but for now, the mission had been accomplished. I decided to take the rest of the day off... I wonder if there's anything good on TV.

...Or Die Trying [2.1]

Granddad: Large, freshly-popped popcorn, please. And lots of butter.
[The receptionist gives him his popcorn.]
Receptionist: (uninterestedly) Anything else?
Granddad: I asked for butter on it.
Receptionist: Butter's over there.
[Cut to a very poorly maintained condiment station.]
Granddad: I don't wanna put the butter on it. Why can't you do it?
Receptionist: You're supposed to put the butter on it.
Granddad: I don't wanna put the butter on it! I already paid twenty dollars for this bullshit popcorn. I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn!
Receptionist: (still monotone) Why? It's really easy.
Granddad: Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater! That's why!
Receptionist: You're supposed to put the butter on it.
Granddad: ...When I go to a Burger King, and order a cheeseburger, THEY DON'T MAKE ME PUT THE CHEESE ON IT, DO THEY GODDAMMIT!?

Huey: (to Jasmine about going to the movies with Grandad) This will be the worst day of your life. I'm bringin' nunchucks.

Granddad (singing): Soul Plane! Soul Pla-a-a-ane! We gonna fly on the Sooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuul Plane.

(From the Soul Plane 2 Trailer)
Terrorist: (brandishing a box cutter) This is a hijacking! Remain in your seats -- we have a bomb on the aircraft! Everyone remain--
(Several hulking black men swarm him and give him a savage beatdown)
(The Terrorist's accomplices watch on horrified, and cower behind their newpapers)

Mo'nique: Damn! Now are you yelling at me or shitting at me!?

Snoop Dogg: (As pilot of the Soul Plane) Hijack? Them niggas ain't gettin my wizeed fo' rizeal fo' shizzle ma nigga, you know what I'm sayin'?

(Huey starts to sit in the theatre seat next to Riley)
Riley: (edging away in his seat) Eww, nigga you gay!
(Riley moves to the next seat)

Riley: Booooo! Ay, Cuttotheflick!

(leaving Huey and Jazmine at the movie theater after watching Soul Plane 2)
Riley: Heh, heh. That was great, Granddad. Boy I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
Granddad: I don't know. I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
Riley: They knew the risks, so they might do a little time. We'll see them when they get out.
Granddad: Ahhh, it doesn't seem right. I'm going back and turning myself in.
Riley: Turn yourself?--man--Granddad, look, come on. I mean, I love Huey. almost like a brother, but what's done is done. We've got to let go of the past! If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room?
(Granddad walks away)
Riley:Ah, come on, Granddad! You supposed to be setting a better example!

Air Marshall 50 Cent (loads gun) Sometimes, in order to save the day, people have to sacrifice themselves, yaknowwhat i'm sayin?
Monique Oh, Air Marshall 50 Cent, you're so brave to sacrifice yourself to save us! (starts to cry)
Air Marshall 50 Cent Not me, bitch! You! (uses Monique as human shield)

Air Marshall 50 Cent: I'll stop these terrorists... or die tryin'...

Air Marshall 50 Cent: I'm gonna put an end to this... or die tryin'...

Terrorist: You will not kill me, Air Marshall 50 Cent! You will only die trying!
Air Marshall 50 Cent: But I will kill you. Or i'm... uh... i'm gonna die... uh... trying...

Granddad: What happened to the movie theatre? Y'all should be ashamed! How come when I order a soda-pop, I get an empty cup? I didn't ask for an empty cup! I asked for a soda-pop! And what asshole started puttin' commercials in movies? I could go home and watch commercials on the TV! And the bathroom stinks; clean the fuckin' bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I paid too much money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfuckin' popcorn! It's only popcorn!
[Granddad screams loud enough so that the whole movie theatre can hear him.]
Ruckus: When'd you get here?
Granddad: ...Huh?
Ruckus: Well, I've been standin' at the ticket window all day, and I don't remember you buyin' a ticket, Robert Freeman.
Granddad: Well, I...uh, bought my tickets online...
Ruckus: AHA! A damn lie! I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to operate a personal computer! Not even a Macintosh!

Tom, Sarah and Usher [2.2]

A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, I hope you can appreciate our 'No Refunds' policy. How about a complimentary date with Sweetest Taboo?

A Pimp Named Slickback: Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends,your health and scary enough even your money.

(After Tom re-enacts Usher's Burn)
Riley: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Hey Tom, Shut the fuck up.
Granddad: Boy watch your mouth. Tom, shut the fuck up.

Riley: Usher??!! (laughs) that nigga's my age.

Riley: I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Tom: Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
Riley: There just seemed to be a place at the resturant last night. She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher.
Granddad: Boy, hush your mouth.
Uncle Ruckus: Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
Riley: But granddad, she did made Mr.Dubois look like a bitch.
Granddad: Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Uncle Ruckus: Next thing you know you're rubbing aganist that silky white skin.
Riley: But I don't know the non-cursed way to say he got "bitched".
Huey: Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
Tom: All right!!! I get the point.
Riley: I mean, i can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to w:T.I. I'll be like "Hey, that's T.I." But Usher?? (laughs), you better check that hoe Mr. Dubois.

Huey: Could be worse. Could've been w:Omarion .

Tom: And so sweetie, that's why daddy's staying over at the Freeman's house. So mommy can have her space.
Jazmine: So you're not getting a divorce?
Tom: What?, Oh, no sweetie.
Jazmine: So Usher won't be my new daddy?
Tom: What? No, that's ridiculous.
Jazmine: Oh, are you sure? May'be just for a little while? I mean, you like it here don't you daddy? This is uh....pretty good sized room.

Tom: Wait, what did you say your name was, again?
A Pimp named Slickback: Well thank you for asking, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
Tom: Wait, a pimp--?
A Pimp named Slickback: (interrupting) --Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing, if you would. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.

Tom: No, no, you're still on retainer, and we're going, NOW!
A Pimp Named Slickback: Ooohhhhhhhh... so now the nigga can get some bass in his voice.
Tom: Yeah, bitch. Let's go.

A Pimp Named Slickback: It sounds to me, Tom, like some of the passion has gone out of your marriage and perhaps you're not providing enough excitement for her. It's a normal thing in long-term relationships.
Tom: And you can help me fix it?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Hell no! I'm gonna help make that bitch behave! She want's excitement she can take her ass to the movies!

Tom: (to Sweetest Taboo) Bitch, get your ass in the car!
Sweetest Taboo: Kiss my ass, you little dick faggot mutha fucka! If you was any kind of real man I wouldn't be here with Usher in the first place!!
Tom: I don't think that's something Sarah would say.
A Pimp Named Slickback: It's now tragically obvious that reasoning with the bitch is not gon' work Tom. That's when you have to hit her.
Tom: I'm an Assistant District Attourney for christs sake!
A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, you have to get passed this.
Sweetest Taboo: It's okay Faggot, really!
A Pimp Named Slickback: See Faggot? She just gave you permission.

(Sweetest Taboo starts to hit Tom.)

A Pimp Named Slickback: See Tom, she has no problem hitting you.

(Sweetest Taboo continues to beat Tom up)

A Pimp Named Slickback: You allowed by law to hit her now Tom, its self defense. (To Sweetest Taboo) Sweetest Taboo you are a rare form.

Riley: So this is the message you wanna send to the young youth out here like myself that's trying to do the right thing and not love these ho's, huh? Wha...wha...what's all this? Is this what's hot right now in the streets? That's what's really hood, huh? Off from some white girl that left you for some R&B dancin' ass, sexy flexy ass nigga?

Thank You For Not Snitching [2.3]

Ed Wuncler III: Yo.
Gin Rummy: What up?
Ed Wuncler III: Yo, can you hear me?
Gin Rummy: Yeah, I see you too. Whatcha want, Nigga?
Ed Wuncler III: Aw man, same shit. What's up with you?
Gin Rummy: Da fuck you mean "what's up with me"? I'm sitting right here next to you.
Ed Wuncler III: Voice sound real sexy right now...
Gin Rummy: Say what?!
Ed Wuncler III: You wanna talk to me later on?
Gin Rummy: No, I don't wanna talk later on motherfucker! WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WIT YOU?! WHAT DA FUCK'S SO SEXY ABOUT MY VOICE?!
Ed Wuncler III: (Reveals the bluetooth on his left ear) Ah man, my bad, I was on the phone.
Gin Rummy: Great, you got one of those ridiculous fucking headset.

Ed Wuncler III: Okay, now last week I was in the strip club, right? I had titties in one hand, titties in the other hand, I had two hands full of titties. That's bigger than two scoops of raisins; I'm still talking to my accountant at the same time. What's not to like about that?
Gin Rummy: Okay, first of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me, or when you talkin' on the god damn phone. Second, when people wear those thing, they appear to be talkin' to theirselves, there's a name for people who talk to theirselves, Ed... they're called the homeless!

Ed Wuncler III: Man, bitches love this bluetooth shit, it changed my life! I don't know what to do with my hands now!
Gin Rummy: Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head, Ed; it lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to ya until you finish, which you indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!

Ed Wuncler III: (into his Bluetooth while Gin Rummy is bending over to look under the bed) "You know I like the way your booty looks when you bend over; I like that a lot. Very sexy. Mm-hmm, I can make it over there later... yeah I'm real ready."
Gin Rummy: "I hate that fucking headset!"

Gangstalicious: (dancing with a bottle of Hennesey and a tennis racket) "Uh! Uh! Drop da beat! Drop da beat! Uh! Gangstalicious! / My rhyme's too vicious! / Eat MCs all day, mmm, delicious! / My whole crew up in dis / No doubt we gonna win dis / Smack up yo moms like I smacked Johnny Ginnis / 3 o clock yesterday / I don't care what dey say / Sucker really shouldn't play / I hit dem wit da Henne-saaaay!"

Grandad: (to Riley) I'm gonna take me a nap, gonna drink me a Red Bull, then I'm wake up and beat you until you decide to talk!

Ed Wuncler III: You see, I'm what they call tecno-savvy. I fucks wit da future
Gin Rummy: Yeah, the problem is we don't live in the future, Ed, we live in the present, and in the present that shit looks ridiculous. It's not a cybernetic ear, it's a fucking cell phone headset. The only thing you gonna do wit da thing is call a bitch and unless the bitch is a Martian, there ain't no explanation for that shit to look that damn high-tech. Have you seen that shit in the mirror? You look like you're going to a fucking comic book convention!

Ed Wuncler III: (to the assembled crowd) What the fuck y'all lookin' at? (into his Bluetooth) No baby, I wasn't talking to you...

Gin Rummy: (to Riley as he and Ed rode of on his bike) Thank you for not snitching!
Ed Wuncler III: You stupid mother fucka!

(Ed and Rummy laugh while Riley looks like he's bound to cry)

Ruckus: It was them Freeman boys! I'm tellin' you you can't trust those new niggas!

(Everybody Gasps)

Ruckus: (modestly) Yeah I said it...

Riley: But what will my niggas think of me if i snitched?
Huey: What niggas?
Riley: I got niggas!!!
Huey: Where?
Riley: In da street!!!
Huey: What street?

Interrogator: Now you listen here you little bitch. I'm gonna ask you some real simple questions and I want some real simple answers. Now you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?
Granddad: Yes, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. It was 9.15!
Interrogator: So you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?
Granddad: Ye-N..Nine. Yes, I looked at my watch and yes. Unhuh unhuh, 9.15.
Interrogator: So you're telling me definitely that you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 8.15?
Granddad: Yyyyees. That's- I believe it was 8.15. Definitely.
Interrogator: Now you see something? You know you done fucked up, right?
Granddad: No! I said... No! I said, I pulled into the garage at duh-
Interrogator: You know you done fucked up, right!
Granddad: No! I said... Wait a minute!

Stinkmeaner Strikes Back [2.4]

The Devil: (Narrating) He was the baddest motherfucker that hell had ever seen...
Colonel Stinkmeaner: Colonel Motherfuckin Stinkmeaner, holla at ya boy, I gets money!
The Devil: He trained like a beast...
Colonel Stinkmeaner: Ya'll gonna have to kick me out of this bitch! I'm having the TIME OF MY LIFE!
The Devil: He was so bad, he even called me, the Devil himself, a...
Colonel Stinkmeaner: BITCH ASS NIGGA!
Colonel Stinkmeaner: This is how you break your foot off in a muthafucker's ass! (He kicks through two flaming hoops and smashes two vases) Hi-yaaah!
(Several demons encircle Stinkmeaner)
Colonel Stinkmeaner: Oooh! You cold-hearted nigga monsters gonna try to swarm on a nigga, huh?!
(Stinkmeaner begins to beat the crap out of the demons.)
Colonel Stinkmeaner: You just got a two-piece combo with a biscuit, ho!
Colonel Stinkmeaner: I got three-stick nunchucks!! AAAAAAH!! Got ya, nigga! I see ya, I see ya!

The Devil: Stinkmeaner, your heart of darkness has earned you a trip back, you have my blessings to exact vengance on the Freeman family and to spread ignorance and chaos in the black community, they will be no match for you.
(The Devil places his hand on Stinkmeaner's forehead and blasts him back up to Earth.)
Colonel Stinkmeaner: Hell ain't shit! I'm gonna get you, Freeman!

Grandad: *After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friendslist?
Riley: Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th
Grandad: Yeah boy, I love technology
Huey: (narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating
Riley: You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad
Grandad: I'm starting to feel like Shamal Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace

(We then see cips of Grandpa taking pictures of himself in various poses)

Riley: What outfit you want next Grandad?
Grandad: The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)
Huey: Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back
Grandad: Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?
Huey: I had a bad dream about....
Grandad: Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)
Riley: Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?
Grandad: Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo
Riley: Purple speedo? that's gay
Grandad: Allright boy, so you had a bad dream
Huey: It was a really bad dream about...
Riley: (In the closet) I don't see the purple one
Granddad: Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?
Huey: It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)
Riley: Leopard-print's all I could find
Granddad: Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who cringe) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?
Huey: He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us
Granddad: Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy
Riley: Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?
Granddad: No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy
Riley: He was blind, you killed a blind old man
Granddad: Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs
Riley: (Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.
Granddad: Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us lets get one more picture.
Huey: (Narrating) Some people are scared of zombies and vampires. But the thing that scare black people the most, are niggas and nigga moments. Tom DuBois was as far from a nigga as a black man could be. But Stinkmeaner knew that every black man's spirit is weakened during a nigga moment.
(Tom waits patiently for a car to pull out of a parking spot. Before he can pull in, a Benz whips into the spot ahead of him.)
Tom Dubois: What the...? Oh, come on, you... you... ni...ncompoop! You can't do that! Hey!! Come on!
Huey: (Narrating) Nigga moments can happen to ANY black man at ANY time.
(The young black man gets out of the car, pointedly ignoring Tom. Tom gets out and follows him)
Tom Dubois: Hey!! That was my space! I had my blinker on and everything!
Young Black Man: Fuck you, you punk ass, bourgie-ass hook ass, nigga! (Tom flinches) I'll kick your motherfuckin' sadiddy ass, nigga! Don't never in yo' LIFE ever try to holla at me nigga! Don't fuck with me, nigga, I'll pop da trunk on you bitch ass nigga, get my motherfuckin' Uzi... (starts to walk away)
(Tom seethes, and starts to convulse as Stinkmeaner's spirit possesses him. Tom's face contorts evilly)
Possessed Tom: WHAT DID YOU SAY, NIGGA??
(Young black man stops in his tracks, turns around and walks back towards Tom)
Young Black Man: (annoyed) You know what, mothafucker? Eat a dick, nigga. I'm tired of this mothaf--
(Possessed Tom jumps in the air and kicks the young black man squarely in the chest with both feet. The force sends the young black man flying through the air and lands hard on the concrete)
Possessed Tom: (in a maniacal froth, the young black man cowers in fear) OH YEAH! Look at you! You were poppin off that GOOD SHIT a second ago and then you got KICKED IN YO CHEST! YOU EAT A DICK NIGGA, YOU EAT A DICK!"
(Tom's face reverses to his regular self, along with his persona)
Tom Dubois: Oh, my god! Sir, are you ok? Who did this to you? What did he look like? DID ANYONE SEE WHO ACCOSTED THIS MAN?

Grandad: (While looking at his myspace page) I got a date? I can't believe it!
Riley: Of course you got a date, Grandad! Everything on your page is a lie!
Grandad: NO IT IS NOT!
Riley: Grandad you don't skydive, you not Brazilian, and you never was a member of G-Unit-
Grandad: Mind your damn business!
Riley: -And she probably a man!
Grandad: SHUT UP!

Ms. Juan's Lawyer: So, Ms. Juan, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Tyson Mintley, beating him senseless with a nine-iron, stealing his wallet--
Ms. Juan: Grab your wallet, bitch!
Ms. Juan's Lawyer: -- And driving his car into the laundry section of the JCPenney.
Ms. Juan: Correct. (Ms. Juan gives a wink to her lawyer.)
Ms. Juan's Lawyer: I have no further questions.
Tom: Now Ms. Juan, lemme ask you a question. (Begins convulsing as Stinkmeaner's ghost begins to take possession.)
Possessed Tom: What's good NIKAAA?!
(Audience gasp in shock)
Tom: Gaaaah! (Covering his mouth with his hand) Oh my god!
Judge: Excuse me Mr. Dubois?
Tom: (Chuckles nervously) I said um-- (Stinkmeaner gains posession once again)
Possessed Tom: What's really good?!
(Audience laughs at Tom's retort)
Judge: Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court Mr. Dubois?
(Courtroom gasps)
Judge: Mr. Dubois!
Possessed Tom: (jumping up and down on table) FUCK..YOUR..COURT..NIGGA!!!
(lays on back, kicking the table) FUCK..YOUR..COURT!
(Tom covers his mouth and runs out of the courtroom)
Possessed Tom: Lady Liberty's got balls!
(Tom runs in a panic to the nearest bathroom. he gasps in panic, looks at himself in the mirror, only to see Stinkmeaner's face.)
Colonel Stinkmeaner: What's good, NIGGAAA?!
(Tom screams in horror and runs out of the bathroom.)

Huey: meanwhile, I couldn't shake the feeling that an evil force was gathering. (Huey then sees brief flashes of Stinkmeaner training in hell, and being sent back to Earth.) I must be crazy.
Ghostface Killah: (Ghostface Killah's apparent Force Ghost appears to Huey) Nah, you ain't crazy. Stinkmeaner's comin' back.
Huey:: But Stinkmeaner died.
Ghostface Killah: What you gonna tell me, ghosts don't exist? Then what the fuck do I look like to you?
Huey:: Ghostface Killah isn't even dead.
Ghostface Killah: Now, you say what you want, that old crazy goofy-lookin' mothafucka's comin' back. Your granddad's nigga moment ain't dead yet.
Huey:: Then what am I supposed to do? If death can't stop Stinkmeaner, what can?
Ghostface Killah: Think about it. Peace. (Ghostface Killah's Force Ghost then leaves Huey.)
huey: look, granddad im really worried about
Grandad: watch it boy, don't step on my roses
huey: then why are you putting them on the floor? but, anyway, i know this is gonna sound crazy, but I really think stinkmeaner is
Grandad: oh hush boy, i aint got time for that, now its DATE NIGHT and you know the rules, now you get in that room I don't care if u hear a scream and hear the house shake like an earthquake, YOU DON'T LEAVE now get.

Tom: Honey, I'm home.
Sara: Hey honey!
[Tom's face turns menacing, as he's possessed by Stinkmeaner]
Possessed Tom: OH YEAH!.. I think I wanna have sexual relations!
Sara: Tom, what's gotten into you?
Possessed Tom: Same thing that's about to get into you!
[Later, upstairs showing their bedroom window outside]
Sara: Oh, Tom!
Possessed Tom: Oh Yeah!!! Imma make it do what it do!

granddad: (typing)well, im in the studio with SNOOPDOGGYDOGG and THE POUND tonight but how 'bout tomorrow cutie pie?
Possessed Tom: (chopping a hole in the bathroom door)
granddad: aaah! what the! who's out there! boys! boys! help me!
granddad: TOM! what the hell is wrong with you!? tom! oh lordi lord! what the hell! tom! whats going on? tom! go away! im gonna call the police!
Possessed Tom: im gone get that old ass
huey: did you hear that?
riley: man i cant hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! that's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and i aint gettin it for him neither, nope
huey: why would he send a message from
riley: hey
Granddad: WHAT THE HELL! tom! whats goin on! oh my goodness! tom! whats goin here!? oh help me son! help me!
huey: cmon
Granddad: oh my goodness! hes practically crazy! goodness gracious! the life! tom, whats wrong with you? you on that stuff? snap out of it tom, cocaine is a hell of a drug

Possessed Tom: You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)
Possessed Tom: What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)
Granddad: AAAAH!
Possessed Tom: "AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!
Huey: Stinkmeaner!
Riley: Mr. Dubois...?
Huey: I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!
Possessed Tom: Oh yeah! I'm going back! And I'm takin' ya'll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whoopin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!
Possessed Tom: You ain't too little to get that ass whooped! bring it on huey


Possessed Tom: Robert Freeman! You a bitch nigga! Where are you Robert? Come here and fight like a man, you fat-ass nigga!
Granddad's Date: Who's that?
Granddad: Uh, nothing!
Possessed Tom: (muffled) I know you can hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! I will not be ignored! I'm not a bitch!
Riley: Ain't this a bitch? Got a possessed nigga up here, and Granddad's worried about his date!
Possessed Tom: (breaks free from the handcuff on his right arm) Ah-hah! Get off me! You've got a date Robert? Did you tell her you have two sets of genitals! A vagina and a coochie! Oh, that's a conjuction! A vagina and a coochie!
Granddad's Date: What is going on?
Granddad: oh, th-that? that's just the television. Eh, boys, turn the television down!
Possessed Tom: This ain't no TV show, nigga! This is real talk, nigga!
Granddad's Date: Uhh! My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace!
Granddad: Wait! No! That's just the TV!
Granddad's Date: It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit, strapped to a bed upstairs!
Granddad: It's not?
Granddad's Date: No. It's the fact that you lied about it!

Possessed Tom: Is that all you got, nigga?
Uncle Ruckus: Oh, no, nigga. That's just the tip of this iceberg. (Opens a book and shoves it in Possessed Tom's face) Read, nigga, read!!!
Possessed Tom: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!(bed begins to levitate)

Riley, Grandad and Ruckas: Nigga! Get yo Black ass out of there!

Uncle Ruckus: We must use the tools God gave us to fight a nigga; a whip, a night-stick, a noose! These things strike fear into a nigga's heart. A job application!

The Story of Thugnificent [2.5]

(Looking at Thugnificent's extravagant mansion)
Uncle Ruckus: Looks like someone threw a million dollars into the monkey cage at the zoo...

Huey: You could invite them over for dinner and get to know them...
Granddad: Yeah, I... guess I could do that...
(Dream sequence)
(The Freemans are sitting, dressed up, at a candle-lit sunday dinner. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Lethal Interjection barges in.)
Macktastic: Wazhappenin' nigga? Alright nigga, where da chicken wings and donuts at?!
Thugnificent: (kicks over a chair, yelling) What the fuck you got to EAT in this bitch, NIGGA?!!!?!?
(Dream sequence ends)
Granddad: Uh-ummm! THAT shit ain't happenin'.

Thugnificent: (to Riley) Hey man, is this your brother?
Huey: Hello – goodbye
Thugnificent: Yo nigga, your brother told us how you be all into reading and shit. Hey that’s some real good shit my nigga, for real. Congratulations nigga.
Huey: Did you just congratulate me for reading?
Flonominal: Word, oh yeah, man, you know? Good shit, homie, word, yaknamean? Ya know that reading shit, yaknamean, it's hard, son! Word, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean, especially when them books be, yakneamn? You know, real thick and heavy like, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean?

Granddad: You don't know where I came from! I come from a town called Kick-A-Nappy-Country-Nigga's-Narrow-Ass, and ya'll makin' me homesick!
Thugnificent: Eat a dick, old man
Macktastic: Eat a sack of baby dicks, muthafucka!

Nate Dogg: You just mad 'cos yo' ass is old / First thing you do is just pick up the phone (Snitch!)/ Lethal Interjection livin' next to your home / You fucking Grandpa / Old nigga it's on!
(verse 1)
Thugnificent: Lethal Interjection versus one old nigga / He picked up the phone / Now my finger's on the trigger / Snitchin' ain't the thing to do / So now me and my crew / Gonna show the block how to handle this fool! / He just hatin' 'cos we went from rags to ritches / to baddest bitches / somebody need to ask these snitches / Why they talkin' to police? / No justice, no peace / My house is paid for / No rent, no lease!
(chorus) x 2
(verse 2)
Macktastic: This old man / He played fool / Now his ass is grass for dropping dimes on my crew / The only reason that I pack a strap / Is that I knew this old nigga was foul / Like Hack-a-Shaq!
(verse 3)
Flonominal: This is the type of heat / That when they start playin' it / Old folks should get their ass whupped / For acting all gay and sh--
Thugnificent: OLD ASS NIGGA!
Flonominal: You done crossed the line / See, it don't cost a dime / so now I toss my nine!

(Granddad and Thugnificent, apparently reconciling, shake hands and hug. The press applauds)
Granddad: (quietly, sourly) You still gonna pay for my lawn.
Thugnificent: (quietly, venomously) Eat a dick, old nigga.

(Granddad is awoken by the loud music at Thugnificent's house party)
Granddad: Hey!!! Shut up with all that damn noise!!!! I'm an old man, y'all need to listen to some Nat King Cole and some Johnny Mathis!!

Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch [2.6]

Riley: We don't keep cash in the house!

(Flashback ends)

Luna: Good times. Good times.
Huey: The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?
Riley: You ever kill anybody?
Luna: Hey, everybody has to die sometime.
(Luna eats her meal, while a flashback continues again)
(In the flashback, Luna is dominating the fight against her opponent)
Old Master: FINISH HIM!
(Luna rips out the oversized heart of her huge opponent at a fighting tournament)
Announcer: (his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!

(Flashback ends)

Luna: I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!
(Huey, Riley and Granddad stare at Luna with frightened looks on their faces)
Granddad, Huey and Riley: WE GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!
Granddad: (quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!
(Luna looks suprised at their sudden departure)
(Huey, Riley, and Granddad retreat to the bathroom)
Riley: Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!
Granddad: You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?
Huey: You gon' tell her to get the hell out!
Granddad: I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!

Uncle Ruckus: First of all, if woman is over 35 years old and she ain't married then she must be as nutty as squirrel shit!
Granddad: But everything was so right, and by everything else, I mean her looks. She was fine!
Uncle Ruckus: She couldn't look that good, she was black! But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey, it could look good too!(chuckles, and says to himself) A monkey in lipstick and a wig...

(After telling Robert and Tom about the various abuse experiences she's had)
Luna: After that, i had one terrible relationship after another. I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable: Verbal...
Ex-Boyfriend #1: I told you not to wash my bloody ski mask with detergent because it irrates my fucking Eczema!!!!
Luna: Spritual...
Ex-Boyfriend #2: Look at ya, don't nobody want you but me. You ain't shit without me. You without me equal shit, you understand that you ugly fat bitch. Now let me borrow your car.
Luna: ...and then there was that summer I dated Jim Brown.

Shinin' [2.7]

Doorbell Ho: (orgasmically) Ding....... dong....
Thugnificent: That's right nigga! Whore Bells.

Thugnificent: Shit, this one nigga came through here with his bitch - left with a case of hate poisoning, nigga. You know what I'm saying? Ay, Ay, Ay Flow, tell em about that nigga that got his spirits crushed by the rubies and and the diamonds and shit.
Flownominal: He killed himself, man. Took his own life and shit, Y'knamean? Suicide over some shit about his ex-girlfriend and all of that. We all knew the shit was about the diamonds and the rubies and the jacuzzi!

Thugnificent: Now Riley, I want you to know even though we're doing it real grand, if this rap shit don't work, we runnin' up in nigga's houses!
(The Lethal interjection crew all voice their approval)
Flownominal: We gonna be hittin' the street, son! Movin' mad rock all day, sellin' that real heavy drug shit!
(The crew shout their approval louder)
Lenny: Or we be flippin' those burgers at Wendy's, my nigga!
(The room falls silent)
Lenny: ...know what I mean? With the fries and shit, I do whatever nigga! Shakes, all that "extra ketchup? Here, you need some napkins?" You feel me?
(More silence. Everyone just glares at Lenny)
Macktastic: Man what the fuck is you talkin' about?
Thugnificent: What the fuck was that???
(Everyone else grumbles insults)
Lenny: I'm sorry man, I wasn't thinkin' about it. I shoulda said, like... Burger King...
(Thugnificent glares)

Thugnificent: What's good with you, planet earth? This your boy Thugnificent representing Terre-Belle, Georgia. You know I'm saying? Lethal interjection living next to your home. Check the chain, nigga! (holds up chain) I know you all love my music and videos and shit. But be fully prepared to drink hella haterade, nigga. Cause you're about to see how good it's to be me, and how bad it is to be you!

Riley: Hey, if nigga's ain't mad at you, you're doing something wrong!
Huey: By that definition then, you have a very bright future.
Riley: Thanks, man!

Riley: (narrating) Since I woke up, I knew who took my chain, Butch Magnus Milosovic.
Man: Butch Magnus?
Teen 1: Crazy Butch Magnus? Wow, something is really wrong with that kid!
Old Woman: The most fucked-up child I've ever seen in my life, my long ass sorry mothafuckin' goddamn life!
Woman: Butch Magnus? Awful, terrible human. Makes me sick just to think of him! I'm gonna vomit now.
Riley: (narrating) Otherwise known as One-punch Butch..... He like to jack you first and ask you for your shit all after the fact!
Butch: What kind of sandwich is this? What are you listening to? Let me ride your bike real quick, bitch!
Riley: (narrating) Last year, Butch was expelled from the Jesus, Mary and Joseph Academy for assaulting a nun.....
Butch: (takes the paddle) Gimme dis shit!
Nun: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Riley: (narrating) He even made it on one of those Maury Povich episodes where they send the kids to Boot Camp...
(Butch is sitting on stage casually, next to a security guard. An imposing drill instructor marches onto the set and starts yelling in Butch's face)
(Butch smiles and headbutts the D.O. viciously, breaking his nose.)
Drill Instructor:' AAUUUGHHHH!! (collapses as blood gushes from his nose)
(The security guard tries to restrain Butch, only to be clobbered by a chair. Butch then smashes the chair on the terrified Drill Instructor.)

Riley: HEY! "Bitch" Magnus!
Butch Magnus Milosevich: Whatchoo call me??
Riley: I call you a bitch, cuz you a bitch! What, you thought I wasn't gonna come see you? You thought you wasn't gonna get the taste smacked out of your mouth for trying to jack Young Reezy? You better fall back, nigga!
Butch Magnus Milosevich: You can't beat me! I'm Butch Magnus! AAARRRGGGHHH!
Riley: You do real good when you come outta nowhere and sucker punch a nigga. Why don't you fight a nigga straight up?
(Butch stalks up to Riley... the monsterous bully literally blocks out the sunlight as he towers above Riley. Riley stands his ground but looks just a little worried.)

Huey: Well, you were looking for hate. Way to go.
Riley: Shut up, punk! Instead of bein' Mr. Funny Nigga, why don't you try bein' Mr. Help-A-Nigga-Go-Jump-A-Nigga-And-Get-His-Chain-Back? Man, I gotta find a way to get it 'fore Thugnificent finds out.
Huey: Riley, let the chain go. If Thugnificent wants it back, he can handle it.
Riley: Then he'll think I'm a punk and kick me out the crew!
Huey: It's just rocks and metal. It's only worth what you're willin' to give up for it. Is it worth gettin' hurt again?
Riley: Yeah.
Huey: Goin' to jail?
Riley: Yeah.
Huey: Gettin' killed?
Riley: Yessir!
Huey: Kissin' a man?
Riley: Yeah-yeah! (A look of shock appears on Riley's face, and he covers his mouth.) Oh! NO!
Huey: WHOA! Kissin' a man? I mean, if it feels natural and that's what you're into, I mean... (Huey gets up and walks to the door without looking back.)
Riley: No, that don't count! That's a do-over! I didn't know you was gon' say dat!
Huey: Guess you really want that chain back. (Huey opens the door and walks out.)
Riley: NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!! (...and the door shuts.)

(Flonominal and Riley confront Butch at the baseball field)
Flownominal: Butch Magnus!
(Butch turns around with his usual defiant sneer)
Butch Magnus Milosevich: Eh?
Flownominal: Yeah, motherfucker! You fuck with ONE member of Lethal Interjection, you fuckin' with every last one of us! (starts forward -- Butch doesn't budge) Come try some of that tough shit with ME, you little--
(Butch slams a baseball bat into Flownominal's knee.)
Flownominal: Oh! Man!!! (collapses)
Riley: (winces)
Flownominal: (writhing on the ground) My motherfuckin' leg! Owww!
Butch Magnus Milosevich: You can take this piece of shit chain! My dad had it appraised -- he said it was WORTHLESS! (throws the chain down next to Flownominal)
Flownominal: (in agony) Oh Jesus!!! My motherfuckin--! Oh Jesus!
Butch Magnus Milosevich: Ya broke bitch! Get a real chain! (casually walks off)
Flownominal: My leg is broken!! Aauuughhh.... (sobs) Motherfuckin'... stupid ass bitch! Motherfuckin... oohhhh!
(Riley picks up the chain)
Riley: (narrating) Know what? Still better than an old funky "necklace"!
(Riley walks away proudly)
Flownominal: ...punk motherfucker! (notices Riley leaving) Man, Riley! We cool, nigga! Remember?!! Come help me, Riley! We in a crew! Augghh!! (Riley doesn't even look back)

Ballin' [2.8]

(Annual All-Star Weekend presenter on Riley)
Presenter: Here he is winning the 3-point contest, making it rain like Lil' Wayne out this Motherfucker! Without taking off his warm-ups! Or his Tims, nigga!

Presenter: Man, check out how Young Reezy shited on these niggas in today's game! Here's Riley goin' up against Kobe Bryant, and breaks his ankle! Look at that bicth as nigga limpin' off the floor! Ooh, no wonder they ride his nuts so hard! Seems like Yao Ming wants some too! Get yo' bitch ass out the way, nigga!

Presenter: Shaq! Seventeen blocks from Riley, you had one. That's got to make you feel fucked up!?
Shaq: It did at first, then I realized hating on Riley's superior game doesn't make my game any better, so I guess I have to work harder, step up to his level, that's what great players do, they bring the best out of everyone on the team.
Presenter: So he's better than you?
Shaq: Yes.
Presenter: And stacks more paper and get more hoes than you, nigga?
Shaq: Absolutely.

Uncle Ruckus: (blows referee whistle) Alright everbody, keep an eye on your wallet! Heh,heh heh! (to Riley) Look here ol' dawg, the only stealin' and shootin' I wanna see is this here b-ball, ya little future ex-con!

(Riley wants to change the name of the team from the Woodcrest Deers)
Tom Dubois: You don't like the name? We rep Timid Deer!
Riley: I don't wanna rep Timid Deer. I want to rep something that doesn't sound faggy!

(Uncle Ruckus is reffing the basketball game.)
Uncle Ruckus: (to Riley, regarding Cindy McPherson) Lookin' at the white girl is a foul. Speakin' to the white girl is a technical foul! Touchin' that white girl... hehehe, that's a LYNCHIN'!

"Fearsome" Cindy McPherson: Don't get picked by a girl now! I don't think you want that. That ain't pretty!

(Cindy is taunting Riley on the court as she stands dribbling)
"Fearsome" Cindy McPhearson: Got 'em.... Got 'em.... Got 'em!!
(Blows past Riley and scores with a layup)

Riley: 'Yo momma so ugly...' No, wait. We can say, 'yo momma so black, when she gets out of the car, the oil light comes on!'
(Huey looks at the opposing sideline, at Cindy's mother -- a very beautiful (and very white) woman)
Huey': I don't think that's going to work.

(After his team lose the last basketball game.)
Tom Dubois: Motherfucker! Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Pricks! Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit...

Riley Freeman: Yo momma got caught givin’ up neck in the bathroom at the Woodcrest Country Club and it wasn't yo daddy.

Uncle Ruckus: (talking to Riley) white man made you look like a fool, aint no surprise to me all the greatest basketball players have always been white still are Larry Bird, Dirk Novitzki oh sure he's ugly as hell on the face but he's as white as rice.

Riley: Huey?
Huey: Yeah?
Riley: I don't like losin'.
Huey: Well, then stop beatin yourself.
Riley: Huey?
Huey: Yeah?
Riley: You still a bitch! (laughs)

Invasion Of The Katrinians [2.9]

Robert "Granddad" Freeman: I've seen that raggedy piece of shit house. That nigga ain't lost that damn much.

Riley Freeman: Everybody knows that New Orleans Niggas is grime-y!"
Nique: (walks by) "Yup, thanks wotey"
Riley Freeman: "That's my hat!"

Jericho's Mother: The Lord will provide another lamp!!! Praaaaiiise JESSSSUSSS!!!!!

Uncle Ruckus: I hate jazz music, sounds like a long car wreck with a bunch of cats!

Uncle Ruckus: Ever hear of that movie, When The Levees Broke? I got me a documentary called 'When Are The Levees Gonna Break Again?

Robert "Grandad" Freeman: I'm sorry the levees broke but if they don't leave soon, I'M gonna be broke.
Uncle Ruckus: I get a dog named Levee and every time it rains I kick him.

Jericho: Come on Robert, what would mama say it she knew you were kickin' us out?

Home Alone [2.10]

Riley: Bitch, this all you got?!! Three dollars and a prepaid cellphone with only two fucking minutes left on it?!!

Uncle Ruckus: Hey there Robert! I'd offer to help you with your bags, but you a coon!

Uncle Ruckus: Ain't nobody talking while I'm talking, so shut the fuck up! My name is Uncle Ruckus and I will be nigga-sitting you two until your grandfather returns. Your granddad had picked me cause I am a licensed zoologist. I have studied a variety of wild animals and the African male, if by far, is the most savagely cunning. This is an opportunity to observe you niggas in your natural habitat and collect data. But be warned, whatever nigga trickery you got up your sleeve does not affect me!

Huey: I'm not gonna fight you, I'm grounding you!
Riley: Ground me? What is this? w:Family Ties? Nigga, you can't ground me!
Huey: I just did. Don't leave the house.

(Riley is preparing to leave the house)

Riley: (under breath) This nigga musta lost it! I wanna know what this nigga be smokin' on! Shoot. Talkin' about I'm grounded. I'm Young Reezy! I goes where I wants'ta go.

(Huey begins to run at a rapid pace as Riely opens the door). (Huey kicks Riely in the face).

Huey: Your grounded!
Riely:You better have eyes in the back of your head nigga!!

Huey: I have supreme authority while Granddad's away!
Riley: You got supreme authority over these nuts, nigga!

Riley: (After being drop-kicked) You better have eyes in the back of yo' head, nigga!

Riley:(after being thrown in closet) I'm closet-phobic.

Huey: You ready to come out?
(Huey opens the closet door, but Riley is no longer inside. Riley appears in the hallway with a set of Air guns and starts shooting at Huey)
Riley: Say hello to the bad guy! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh!
Huey: Damn it Riley! You ruined our family! You drove granddad away, now he's never coming back!
Riley: Granddad left 'cause of you! Nobody likes you Huey, 'cause you're a gay-ass hater-pussy boy! Heh heh heh! Heh!
(A gun battle ensues)
Riley: Okay! I'm reloaded! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh! How you like that, fool?
(Both have guns pointed at each others heads, at point-blank range)
Huey: Why does it always have to end up like this?
Riley: Cuz youse a bitch.
Huey: Don't do it!
(They both pull their triggers and knock each other out)

Riley: Can't you just be happy to see another nigga fitted up--lookin' dipped and buttered and shinin' and glistenin'?

The S-Word [2.11]

Ann Coulter:
(repeated line)

I mean... [scoffs]

(Uncle Ruckus called Robert to ridicule him after Ann Coulter called Riley a "gang member")
Uncle Ruckus: Haw haw! That Ann Coulter really pulled your card, didn't she? Now that's one sharp, sexy white woman. She looks just like Helen of Troy. I don't care how big her adam's apple is, she's still all woman!

(On the phone trying to hire extras to fill out a protest)
Reverend Rollo Goodlove: No, they ain't gettin' no free dinner, nigga! They get a free

Riley's Teacher: Riley calls me nigga, he calls himself nigga, he calls the other kids nigga. The other day at lunch, Riley walked up to one of his classmates and says, "Can a nigga borrow a french fry?" and my first thought wasn't "Oh my god, he used the n-word" it was "Now how is a nigga gonna borrow a french fry? Nigga, is you gonna give it back?"

The Story of Catcher Freeman [2.12]

Uncle Ruckus: (about Huey's story): What website is that?

Slave: Hey Master, Deanda sends you a message.
Slave Master: I don't know of any Deanda. Deanda who?
Slave: De End'a my dick, Nigga!

(Tobias has just been whipped by Colonel Lynchwater who has just left)

Tobias: You guys are real fuckin' assholes, you know that?!?!
Slave 1: C'mon, man, look on the bright side. You get to hang out here in the fields. With the real niggas. Ain't you sick of the white man?
Tobias: You know what I'm sick of? You two blaming the white man for everything. The white man this. The white man that. You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.
Slave 2: Man, fuck that white nigga. That's your master. I don't know that nigga.
Tobias: All I'm sayin' is, you stop bein' a victim, you might be able to better your life on your own.
Slave 1: You ain't said nothin'. Ima do that. You better believe it. As soon as Catcher Freeman rides through here with his brigade and cuts that cracker's head clean off, unh, I'm outta here. You ain't never see no nigga be gone like Ima be gone. Tell you somethin'. You ain't seen no nigga ride out like me AND Ima join the gang. I got a letter sayin' I could join Catcher Freeman's brigade and ride out with that nigga.
Slave 2: Damn, you get mail, nigga?

(Tobias starts laughing)

Tobias: That's your plan?! Catcher Freeman, huh? Why don't I just wait for Santa Claus to take you away on his sled?
Slave 1: Nigga, you don't believe in Catcher Freeman?!
Tobias: (mimicks Slave 1) Of course I don't. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either.
Slave 2: I'm tellin' you, man. Catcher Freeman is real. He go round from plantation to plantation freein' all the slaves and shit. He like 14 feet tall. Got trapezeous muscles and biceps. It's crazy. He ain't just no normal nigga, he Supernigga. He like a black-ass Batman if you will. And he can fly. Underwater.
Riley (V.O.): Wait, how'd they know who Batman is?
Tobias: Ha! That's ridiculous! I don't even know who Batman is!
Slave 2: And what's your plan, house nigga? I bet you don't even wanna escape, all on Master's nuts.
Tobias: Oh I'm gonna escape all right. I'm gonna escape with this (points to his noggin), ok? With my mind. I've got this (pulls out a manuscript). It's a play but for the screen.
Slave 1: What screen, nigga? We in the 1800s.
Tobias: I've thought of a new way to display moving pictures on a screen. Of course, it's all abstract since I don't have any actual film or cameras or anything. But I'm gonna show Master Colonel my screenplay and when he reads it, he's gonna know this could be a huge projection.
Slave 2: Nigga, you tryin' to get off the plantation by sellin' a script? (They both start laughing) Nigga, you ain't even supposed to know how to read! How you gonna sell a script, asshole? Plus there's a writer's strike, nigga!

Field Slaves: Take our black asses outta here/ wont you take our black asses outta here/ wont you come save us catcher/ and kill all these crackers/ lord take our blackk asses outta here
Lead Singer: Sing this mutha fucka now!!!
Field Slaves: Take our black asses outta here
Lead Singer: Say, Massa Colonel youz a bitch nigga
Field Slaves: Wont you take our black asses outta here
Lead Singer: Gonna burn yo...

(song is cut off mid-sentence)

Tobias: NO! You Lyin' black bitch! Thats wasn't a week! Oh!

The Story of Gangstalicious Part 2 [2.13]

Riley: The homie ain't gay. I do the homie.
Huey: That's not gay? You who thinks everything in the world is gay.
Riley: (flashbacks of riley) Nigga you gay. You gay. Ya'll niggas are gay. Nigga you gay. That's gay.

Uncle Ruckus: What in tarnation is he wearing?
Granddad: I don't know. Do you think he's...?
Uncle Ruckus: On the train to Faggotsville? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. I'm so sorry, Robert. A gay grandson, huh? I can't imagine anything worse than that.
Granddad: Not Riley! Maybe there's another explanation. Maybe this is some kind of crazy sitcom misunderstanding.
Uncle Ruckus: No, wake up! Wake up and smell the gay coffee! All the evidence you could possibly need is right in front of your face. It'll only be a matter of time before that little boy be a grown man bent over a table with his pants 'round his ankles being entered repeatedly by another man. Toot toot! Last train to Faggotsville leavin' in five minutes! Leavin' in five minutes for that chocolate tunnel hole!

A Pimp Named Slickback: So you see, my dearest Riley, it is this instinctive and burning need to procreate between a man and a bitch that not only keeps the human race going but also fuels many important industries such as my very own.
Riley: So what do you think about Homies Over Hoes?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Is that something at Denny's? I don't know what that is.
Riley: Homies Over Hoes? You know, like, you supposed to put your homie over a ho. That's how pimps do, right?
A Pimp Named Slickback: I don't think Homies Over Hoes is a sentiment that A Pimp Named Slickback can cosign, Riley. I mean don't get me wrong. A Pimp Named Slickback would put a lot of things over a ho. Money over a ho? Always. Brand new gators over a ho? Absolutely. A turkey sandwich with just tomato? Guaranteed. But homies? Oh no. A Pimp Named Slickback don't do shit for the homies. Let me reiterate. Don't do shit for the homies. Unless the homie wanna walk that stroll and get that money, a homie ain't gettin' a goddamn thing. And the same goes for brothers, peeps, dudes, fellas, dunnies, comrades, whatever the fuck niggas is callin' each other nowadays. Sound like some gay shit to me.

Huey: I like Elton John. But that doesn't make me gay.
Riley: Is Elton John gay?
Huey: Yeah.
Riley: See? And YOU gay.

Riley: (gesturing effeminitely) I'm the most not-gay nigga of the not-gay niggas of the whole universe!

(regarding Gangstalicious)
Riley He's gay. (pause) Isn't he?
Huey: Yep.
Riley: And I was his biggest fan. That makes me gay, don't it?
Huey: (pauses briefly) ...Yep.
(Riley breaks down into tears)
Huey: (to himself, quietly) I know it's wrong. But I really want my own room.
(Huey walks to the door, and leaves just as Grandad walks in.)
Huey: Take it easy on him, Grandad. He's just -- tryin to come to terms with it.
(Grandad kneels down next to Riley to console him.)
Riley: (pitifully) Grandad... I think I might be....
Grandad: It's OK, son. I know.
Riley: ...I might be.... (breaks into sobs)
(Grandad hugs Riley as they both cry)
Grandad: It's OK, it's OK. Oh. You're a gay! Boy! How did that be, how did that happen....

The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show [2.15]

Male BET Employee: I've got a question.

Weggie Rudlin: Of course you do, you didn't go to Harvard.

Uncle Ruckus : I wake up about a quarter of five in the A.M. every morning. That's about 12 more hours before most niggas wake up. Heh,heh.

Uncle Ruckus: Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking these pretty little white children to school in the morning. Hey there, Mister Billy how ya doin?

Billy: (rudely past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus)Move outta my way, fat boy!

Uncle Ruckus: I keep the bus nice and clean for them. These kids- oh excuse, 'scuse me. (sees blonde little girl walking towards the school bus). Oh hello Miss Madison.

Madison (rudely walking past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus): Whatever.

Uncle Ruckus: There's my little sunshine. (spots Huey and Riley) Whoa, whoa hold it there! (waving hand-held metal detector around them) Where's the gun huh?

Riley (indignant): Ay, man!

Uncle Ruckus: Where's the gun, huh? Go on, git, git! Get outta here! Go do your little hifey-fifey dances and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else! This here bus is for kids with a future!

(Huey and Riley angrily walk to school together)

Uncle Ruckus (drives the school bus up to Huey and Riley): That's right, that's right, get your lazy asses some exercise! Y'all should just grow up to be rappers, get into a beef and then shoot each other! Ah,ha,ha,ha!

(drives past Huey and Riley)

(While cleaning a urinal in the men's room in J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School)

Uncle Ruckus: People say there's no difference between the races. But I tell ya what that I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time and I can say that white man shit don't smell the same as black African shit. See, the white man just got a better liver,white man eats his meat raw. See that's healthier, he calls it tartar. (A white male gets out of a bathroom stall with his pants halfway down) Now how you doin' on this fine day sir? (White male becomes uneasy,stammers and his pants fall down, exposing his boxer shorts) May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water with a twist of lime. (White male exits men's room with his pants still halfway down). See? That's why he don't have to wash his hands neither! Yes sir, white man has impeccable hygiene.

( To Ruckus after finding out he is part-Scottish according to a DNA test)

Tom: I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)

Uncle Ruckus: Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?

Tom: Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.

Uncle Ruckus: Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?

Tom: You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.

Uncle Ruckus: Eh, I don't follow ya.

Tom: Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!

Uncle Ruckus: I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.

Mistress Leevil (to male BET employee):Uh, what network do you work for?

Male BET Employee: B.E.T.

Mistress Leevil: And what does that stand for?

Male BET Employee: Black Entertainment-(interrupted mid-sentence)

Mistress Leevil : NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Black Evil Television. It's not enough that the shows are bad, they have to be evil as well. Send in my evil HENCHMEN! (camera cuts to a tall, large black man bald man dressed in black with a black female dressed in black with an afro and large gold hoop earrings) These are my evil henchmen, Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch. Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch, teach this person the meaning of black and evil. (Male BET employee and Weggie Rudlin collectively gasp in fear)

Crazy Bitch: Oh no dis nigga didn't!

Male BET Employee: No! Mistress Leevil, PLEASE! (Big Nigga marches up to him and grabs him by his afro) We're making more evil, I promise!! (Big nigga puts him in a chokehold)

Crazy Bitch: Oh HELL no, this mothafucker didn't! (takes off her earrings)


Crazy Bitch: YAAAAAAAA!!! (runs up to Male BET Employee and proceeds to slash him while Weggie looks in horror and then looks away as if he was unaffected amidst Mistress Leevil's maniacal laughter and the blood splattered on her and on the walls of the boardroom)

Mistress Leevil (after the boardroom quiets down): Weggie Rudlin!

Weggie Rudlin (nervously): Agh, aaaaagh! Huh?

Mistress Leevil: This Uncle Ruckus show, how's it going?

Weggie Rudlin (nervously): Huh uhhhhhhh (voice changes in pitch).. Great! F-fantastic!

Mistress Leevil: Is it evil?

Weggie Rudlin: Oh, absolutely.

Mistress Leevil: I hope so, Weggie for your sake. ( calmly wipes off blood splatter from her face). 'Cause if it's not evil then, you know what's gonna happen. By happening I mean killed or injured sooo just you know, make sure it's evil.

Uncle Ruckus: I got somethin' for a fraternity for niggas. A fraternity of bananas up a tree! (barks like a dog, then laughs). Black fraternities should have a name, like boogedy boogedy! Hey, I got a black fraternity for ya, it's called prison! Jail Fi Jail, nigga!

(after finding out his DNA results came up as him being 102% African with a 2% marginal error)

Uncle Ruckus: (sighs) Well,I'm black now. So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs, I dunno how I'm supposed to pay all the bills. Probably have to start selling crack, or rappin' or rappin' 'bout selling crack. Ya know, I probably might not even have re-vitiligo.

(Knocks on The Freeman's door and Huey answers it)

Uncle Ruckus (sighs dejectedly): Okay, I'm black. What am I supposed to do now?

(while playing checkers with Robert at the park)

Uncle Ruckus: Oh, we probably gonna die any second now from one of these conditions and diseases niggas get. You name it, diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell (Robert interrupts mid-sentence)...

Robert: Oh, Ruckus stop. This is all in your damn head,you the exact same fool you were last week. You were black then,you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow.(Ruckus sighs dejectedly) Ain't nothin' wrong with being black and if you give it a chance you might actually like it, Hmmm? Mmm hm?

(Cut to Robert and Uncle Ruckus at a Foot Locker)

Robert: Ruckus, what are we doing here?

Uncle Ruckus: Well, this is what niggas do,right? Buy sneakers, then maybe later we'll buy loud stereos and be-rate women in rap lyrics. (looks at a display hi-top sneaker with visible shock absorbers). Is this the shit you niggas wear nowadays? This look like a damn astronaut shoe! I'm black, I'm not walkin' to the moon! I'm walkin' to the liquor store!

Robert: Ruckus, STOP! C'mon man.

Uncle Ruckus: LeeBron James, Allen Iverson,can I get a shoe named after a white man, PLEASE?! (spots a young black male Foot Locker employee) 'Scuse me, darkie in the zebra shirt! Can I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?

Robert: Man, to hell with this bullshit, you on your own! (walks out of the Foot Locker, leaving Ruckus behind).

Uncle Ruckus: I'm not leavin' here 'till I get me a shoe named after a white man! John Stockton, Pistol Pete Maravich, ANYBODY!

(cut to the Barbershop)

Barber (while cutting a male client's hair): Now I'm ain't sayin' I like the Democrats, but I don't and they sho' as hell don't know what the fuck they doin'. Now the Republicans, now they done fucked the country up to hell!

Off-screen patron: Sho' did!

Barber: Nigga, look at Iraq! President over there, killin' black folks,wish they would send me to Iraq. I'd like to tell that mothafuckin' Bush to kiss my black ass!

Uncle Ruckus: (angrily gets up from his chair) Now, that's enough, that's enough! Time out negroes, time out! I can't sit here and let y'all bad mouth my president. Did any of y'all niggas hear the president when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror? Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speakin' in baboon? Rababab rabbaba ba! Instead of sittin' here and choppin' off the brillo off each other's heads,y'all should take your black asses TO Iraq AND HELP FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!(all the patrons and barbers are stunned and silent)A li'l more off the sides please. (gets kicked out of the barber shop) Damn go-rilla terrorists.

(in BET Torture Lab/Chamber)

White Scientist (laying strapped to gurney wearing only his boxer shorts): Just what is going on?!! WHY have you kidnapped me?!

Weggie Rudlin: And now, doctor we will now discuss your methods of DNA testing. (laughs evilly)

White Scientist: No,PLEASE! NOOO!

(Weggie presses button to turn on ray machine, but after machine starts up, the whole room goes into a power outage).

Weggie Rudlin:Shit! Why does this always happen when we try to use the GODDAMN TORTURE MACHINE?!!Can somebody PLEASE get the power back on so we use the torture machine?!!

Male BET Employee (off-screen) : I think somebody forgot to pay the bill, Weggie.


(in the movie theater while Madea's Next Movie is playing)

Uncle Ruckus: Will you niggas, PLEASE shut the hell up?!! I'm tryin to watch this piece of shit movie?!!

(Talking to Weggie Rudlin after his failed attempt at committing suicide)

Uncle Ruckus: Oh,what's the point? What's the point in living if there's nothin' to look forward to? but just of life full of rap music and fo'ty ounces? What am I supposed to do now, huh? Be somebody baby daddy? Hang out on the corner all day and night, shootin' dice, cops chasin' me all the time? My body ain't made to handle a stun gun, ain't got but two or three shows I could identify with.

Weggie Rudlin: Ruckus, you make a very compelling argument, but I know that you're gonna get through this.

Uncle Ruckus: huh, is this what I'm supposed to be readin' now? This? The Vibe, The Source, JET? You call this a magazine? Look at this! This is a pamphlet! Field and Screen, National Review, Soldier of Fortune THOSE are magazines! This is a brochure! Ebony, they should call this National Geographic but the photos are better, and Essence?!! Essence of what? Essence of ugliness!

Weggie Rudlin: Ruckus, we have a saying in B.E.T., we hate black people and I know you share that same sentiment. But I've learned how I could use my blackness against the black race. Look at B.E.T, you think we'd put this shit on the air because it's entertaining? You think we sit down and say "hey, let's be entertaining? how about a Baldwin Hills reality show?". I have good taste, Gregory Hines is entertaining, Sammy Davis Jr. he's entertaining. You think I can relate to anything these young niggas have to say? No! We air this shit because we despise our audience! Are there other ways to make money? Yes, of course. Yes, yes. But they all require more work, this is easy. The only people who suffer, the only people who suffer, Ruckus are black children. I think we both could live with that.

Uncle Ruckus: Weggie Rudlin, you sho' do have profound insights. but I don't know, I just don't think I could stand life as a darkie.

See also

External links

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