The Drew Carey Show

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And you are to love those who are your aliens for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt. [Deuteronomy 10:19]
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The Drew Carey Show (1995-2004) was a television show that chronicled a Cleveland blue-collar everyman's working life, the ups and downs of his romances, and his strong relationship with his long-time friends.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Lewis: ... and that's why the French don't wash.

Drew: [Drew refuses to hire Kate] No! It's even worse than when friends have sex, 'cause at least then you had sex!

Drew: Boy, a drive-thru liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer...just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Can't stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Drew: Ask me about my day, I dare you.
Lewis: Drew, how was your day?
Drew: You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.
Oswald: Drew, how was your day?
Drew: Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

Miss Right [1.2]

Kate: Did you and Pam have a fight?
Lewis: No, we were just in the neighborhood and...she kicked me out of the car and drove away.
Drew: Did you try to get her to wear that thing again?
Lewis: Yeah.
Kate: I TOLD you women don't think those things are sexy!
Lewis: Hey, if it's not sexy, how come I had to order it from Mexico?

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Carey?
Drew: I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey. I'm Mrs. Carey.
Lisa: Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Oswald: Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?
Drew: The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?

The Joining of Two Unlike Elements is a Mixture [1.3]

Lewis: I now pronounce you drunk and disorderly. You may now kiss my ass.

Drew: [to Kate] It's not like I've been waiting for you my whole life.

Drew: Oh, man. I don't want to ruin somebody's honeymoon.
Mimi: Then don't get married.

Drew: [to Kate] We were 16, and you changed right in front of me, like I was the chair. Then I walked home crying. [Kate starts to apologize.] No, no. Don't feel bad. Then I wrote you a little letter, which I accidentally mailed to my grandma. And she wrote me back saying that she loved me too, you know, but not in that way.

Kate: So, did any of you ever have a little crush on me?
Drew: Maybe, when we were teenagers.
Kate: And?
Drew: And then we discovered my brother's magazines, and you became obsolete.

Oswald: [about Kate] I did carry her 8th grade picture around with me in my wallet. I told everybody she was my girlfriend. It was kinda sweet back then, but now I get the weirdest looks.

Lewis: Your mom was hot.
Oswald: Shut up!
Drew: Jazzercizing in her little disco shorts.
Oswald: Yeah? Well, maybe I watched your mom too, in her big polyester pant suit mowing the lawn!

Drew: All we need is a wedding dress, some handcuffs, and some flowers.
Lewis: Hey! I've got all that stuff in my trunk!

Lewis: Drew Carey, are you prepared to enter into this state of holy acrimony with Kate O'Brien? To drink with her, to cleave to her, to boldly go where at least twenty or thirty men have gone before?
Kate: Wait, wait! Single digits, please.

Lewis: And you, Kate O'Brien. Are you prepared to wed Drew, to bed Drew, to boldly go where no woman has gone willingly without the promise of a free dinner or cold hard cash?
Kate: I've had worse.
[Takes a drink from beer bottle]
Drew: Twenty or thirty guys.
[Wipes off the bottle thoroughly before taking a drink.]

Kate: What are you looking at? You never saw a bride in handcuffs walk down the aisle to polka music before? Where the hell have you been?

Kate: I'm so lucky that model got sick. That'll teach her to eat twice in one day.

Ed: Fine, Mr. Rules Guy. If you need me, I'll be living in a cardboard box. If I'm not there, try the gun shop. After that, just watch the news.

Lewis: Kate, don't worry about it. I mean, look at the Bride of Frankenstein. She got married after she was dead. There's still hope for you.

Kate: I don't need a husband. I just want a wedding.
Drew: I don't want a husband either. [mock-crying] I just want someone to appreciate how hard I work around this house!

Oswald: So what do you guys want to see tonight?
Kate: Anything but romance or Pauly Shore.
Oswald: I don't get it. What's wrong with romance?
Kate: Nothing's wrong with romance. I'll see a romantic movie, as long as there's blood and everybody gets blown up at the end.
Lewis: Well, let's see. We've got a couple of choices here then. Uh, "Headless in Seattle," or "The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up."

Jules: You know, Drew, we try to be good neighbors. But you know, it's like you get rattled over every little thing.
Drew: I got a six-foot lizard on my pool table!
Jules: Well, what kind of weirdo puts a pool table outside? That's just asking for lizards.

Ed: We both know I'm not going anywhere with this job. I mean, how long can a guy stay in women's shoes? [Pause] Ha, ha, ha.

Kate: Where's the party for single people? Just once, I'd like to blow out the candles on a "Yes, I'm not pregnant!" cake.
Drew: Easy, Kate. You might want to save some of that bitterness for your forties.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum [1.4]

Lewis: Hey, I gave one guy three black eyes.

No Two Things in Nature are Exactly Alike [1.5]

Drew: [drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the normal practice of having a stick up your butt!

Drew Meets Lawyers [1.6]

Drew: I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!

Drew in Court [1.7]

Drew: Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]
Mimi: I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: You four-eyed butt weasel.
Drew: Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness' testimony impeached and i also would like to request a 10 minute recess becuase, well, that hurt!

Drew: How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!
Lewis: According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.
Drew: That's every sexual advance I make!

Drew: Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.

Drew: [making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!

Lewis' Sister [1.8]

Kate: How did it go?
Drew: We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.

Lewis: [about Drew and Janet] What if it doesn't work out? If she dumps you, it'll make things incredibly awkward. And if you dump her, they'll be nobody to comfort her because everybody will be too busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.

Kate: Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]
Drew: Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?

Drew and Mrs. Louder [1.9]

Oswald: She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'
Drew: Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!

Lewis: Sounds like she's really got you by the 'pen is.'

Science Names Suck [1.10]

Drew: Fudgesicle. I like anything on a stick.

The Electron Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree [1.11]

Isomers Have Distinct Characteristics [1.12]

Kate: You put MIMI in Cosmetics?! Oh, great. Why don't we just put Ike Turner in the complaints department?

Drew and the Unstable Element [1.13]

Oswald: [about Earl] He's wicky in the wacky woo.

Drew and Mr. Bell's Nephew [1.14]

There is No Scientific Name for a Show About God [1.15]

Drew: Thanks, Mimi. You're a Saint...Bernard.

Mimi: So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.
Drew: Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.

Drew's New Assistant [1.16]

Drew: [After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.
Lewis: Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...

The Front [1.17]

[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]
Oswald: Let's go get some ice cream, my cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
Lewis: ...What'd you say?
Oswald: ...I said, "C'mon, let's get going."
Lewis: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
Oswald: Actually, most particle accelerator accelerators are circular.
Lewis: Don't you mean "elliptical"?
Oswald: Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]

Playing a Unified Field [1.18]

Atomic Cat Fight [1.19]

Kate: We're not going to fight for a job.
Lewis: What if we provide a cage?

Drew: If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking aliens!

Drew and Kate and Kate's Mom [1.20]

Mimi: [Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.] So much crap, they had to start a second pile.

Kate: I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
Oswald: Amen to that, sister!

Kate: Kiss me.
Drew: What?!
[Kate leans in closer.]
Kate: Kiss!
Drew: Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.

Kate: Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]
Drew: Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald: [whispering] I have a gun.
Drew: I have a gun!

Drew: You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. [Pretends to cry] How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!
Kate: Drew?
Drew': [still fake crying] What?!
Kate: You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.

Drew: This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.

Drew: It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.

Lewis: [to the waitress] Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?

Mrs. O'Brien: So what's the matter? He's too stable? He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely. You know, I think you ought to stop looking at the guys with the tightest butts [pantomimes a butt with her hands] and start looking at [puts hands much further apart] Drew.

Kate: You're right. You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a relationship. Because it's the end of the world, and my mother's been chugging COUGH SYRUP again!

Jay: But I don't have room in the cab.
Drew: Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!

Drew: Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?
Mimi: I'll have you know that men find me...
Drew: Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.

Drew: What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
Mrs. O'Brien: Actually, he scares the life out of me.
Drew: No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.

Lewis: Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?
Mrs. O'Brien: I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.

Drew: You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.
Oswald: I'd take the hair down an inch.
Lewis: And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?

Lewis: [to Oswald] Why don't you get Daddy a Jagrmeister?

Kate: [after her mother gives her a sweater] Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!

Kate: Sorry. Just killing Mom before time gets here.

Drew Gets Motivated [1.21]

Drew: I want this promotion more than ever.
Lewis: More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Drew: Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
Oswald: What's it for anyway?
Jay: It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.

Buzz Beer [1.22]

Oswald: If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.
Lewis: [Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles] You're right! The foul rotten egg taste is gone!

Mr. Bell: What's the matter, Carey? You act like you've never seen me before.

Jay: Coffee and beer together? I gotta pee just thinking about it!


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