The IT Crowd

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If you believed more in life you would fling yourself less to the moment.
Friedrich Nietzsche
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The IT Crowd (2006–) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the IT department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Season 1

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Denholm Reynholm: Hope this doesn't embarrass you, Jen, but I find the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long, hard stare.
[Denholm stares at Jen for about a minute in total silence]

Denholm: I'm gonna put you in I.T, because you said on your CV you have a lot of experience with computers.
Jen: [Caught out] I did say that on my CV, yes. I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing you know, emails, sending emails, receiving emails, deleting emails... I could go on.
Denholm: Do.
Jen: [Bluffing] The web. Using a mouse, mices, using mice. Clicking, double clicking. The computer screen, of course. The keyboard. The... bit that goes on the floor down there.
Denholm: The hard drive.
Jen: Correct.
Denholm: Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff. That's settled. I've got a good feeling about you Jen, and they need a new manager.
Jen: Fantastic! So the people I'll be working with, what are they like?
Denholm: Standard nerds!

[The phone is ringing. Roy is drinking coffee and licking doughnut sugar from his fingers, purposefully delaying for as long as possible before he answers it]
Roy: [answers phone] Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? ... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing? ... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Err, the button turns it on.
[Moss enters and tosses Roy a muffin]
Roy: Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you? No, not on clothes.
[Moss's phone rings. He answers it.]
Moss: Hello IT. Yuhuh. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, there you go, I just heard it come on. No, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Moss: You see the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread is about to jump in there and do its stuff. And you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory. [laughs] Hello?

Roy: It's about time you got back. It's been all go.
Moss: You had a job?
Roy: Girl on fifth.
Moss: Did you and her 'hit it off'?
Roy: Define 'hit it off'.
Moss: Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?
Roy: No. And while I was working she rested a cup on my back.

Roy: They have no respect for us up there. No respect whatsoever. We're all just drudgeons to them.
Moss: Yes. If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we would be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...
Moss: They toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: YES! Like yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them. [phone rings, Roy picks it up] You know what, that doesn't really to work as a thing, 'cos jam lasts for ages.

[About Reynholm Industries]
Denholm: That's the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs.

[Jen is examining the basement. Moss and Roy enter out of Jen's sight, see her, and silently attempt to spruce themselves up a bit. They retreat then re-enter a few seconds later.]
Roy: [Affected 'posh' voice] Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said.... ooh, it seems we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were just engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. And didn't hear you come in.
Moss: Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy who said what?
Roy: Ah, never mind that now, Maurice.
Moss: When have you read Tolstoy?
Roy: Shut up Maurice.
Moss: Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When did.. I don't remember this conversation at all!
Jen: Don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come down...
Roy: Oh, don't be silly you'd never disturb us. [falls over; he gets back up with a large gash on his head] No, err... many people come down here to visit.
Moss: What are you talking about. Who comes down? What people? [Roy throws a cup at his head] Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?

[Moss knocks on Jen's door]
Jen: Come in.
[Jen pretends to be talking to Denholm on the phone]:
Jen: Yeah, Denholm. Yeah, yeah, no n-n-n-no, no they've been fine so far. Yeah, I think we're going to get on great. [Winks at Moss and smiles] Yeah I know, alright then, no you take care, alright, yeah I will, yeah, okay take care, take care, okay bye, bye.
So, hello, what can I do you for... what can I do for you?
Moss: Hallo. I was just wondering: do you want me to connect up your phone?
Jen: No n-n-n-n-n-n-no. It's working. Errm I was just talking to Denholm there.
[Moss picks up phone which clearly has no connections]
Moss: But how?
Jen: Would you mind, closing the door for me?
Moss: Oh yeah, sure. [Moss gets up and closes the door]
Jen: Yeah, from the other side.
Moss: Of course. Like this. [He opens the door, walks out through it, and closes it, leaving him outsde her office.]
Jen: That's it.
Moss: With me on the...
Jen: [From behind door] Thanks.
Moss: Oh.

[Moss and Roy are talking about Jen.]
Moss: She's a little bit weird to say the least.
[sprays his ear]:
Roy: What's that?
Moss: Oh, just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear and this helps cool it down.

Roy: Okay, we definitely want to get rid of her.
Moss: Agreed.
Roy: Okay, so here's the plan.
Moss: A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses. [Does so] Okay. Hit me.
Roy: Okay, we go in.
Moss: When?
Roy: You know, like in a minute.
Moss: Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?
Roy: Yeah, you know what. I shouldn't have used the word plan. I've clearly gotten you over excited.
Moss: Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting, I might even need these.
[puts on even larger glasses]:
Roy: All I was gonna say was; we go in, I make up a lot of bollocks about computers and we'll see if she picks up on it.
Moss: [Putting on his original, smaller glasses] Yes. I can see why you didn't want to use the word 'plan'.

[Jen is pretending to work on her computer when Roy and Moss come in]
Roy: We were just wondering now that you're 'the boss', would you like us to access the data supplier and connect you up to The Matrix?
Jen: You just made all that up.
Roy: [Snapping] You don't know anything about computers! Admit it!
Jen: Will you stop trying to undermine me?! Now get in there and do some work to do with computers! I'll be out in a minute to check up on you!
[Moss goes down onto the floor by the wall. Jen continues to type on computer.]
Roy: Okay, lady, you've won this round. But we can wait! You will slip up one day and believe you me we will be there when you do! There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers!
Jen: [Noticing Moss] What are you doing?
Moss: [Holding up the plug for Jen's computer] Plugging in your computer.
Roy: [Oblivious] It might be something you say, or something you do, but when we notice it - and believe you me, we will notice it - it's gonna be a long way down for you, sweetcheeks.
[Roy storms out; an awkward pause follows]
Moss: He'll realise in a second.
[Jen nods miserably; a few seconds later, Roy leaps back into the room]
Roy: [Pointing] Ahhh!

Denholm: Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. I even love saying the word team. You probably think that's a picture of my family. Uh uh. It's the A Team. Bodie; Doyle; Tiger; The Jewellery Man.

Roy: We are getting on like a big house on fire.
Moss: My ear's getting hot!

Roy: Oh, you what, if you want to hear something really funny, a really funny story, you should hear what happened to Moss and I when we were so drunk in Amsterdam that Moss lost his glasses. Moss! Moss! Come here, come here. Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam.
Moss: Really?
Roy: Yeah, yeah. Oh It's brilliant, this is a great story, you're gonna love it. I'm just gonna get another box of wine.
[Exit Roy]
Office guy: Well, go on then.
Moss: All right. Well. One night we really drunk, and err... we were so drunk that we decided to hire prostitutes.
[The laughter falls silent. Jen spits out her drink]
Moss: But when they arrived at the hotel we were too scared to do anything so we brought them to a fair. They were really nice. In the end they only charged us half but we did have to pay for all the rides.
[Enter Roy with wine]
Roy: Haha! Oh isn't that just the best story.
Moss: You told me to never tell that story to anyone.
Roy: What are you talking about? That's a brilliant story and then you walked into the canal. Has it got to that part with the boat man?
Moss: Oh, you mean the story where I lost my glasses.
Roy: Yes. What story did you think I meant? Moss? What did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Calamity Jen [1.2]

[From a TV commercial advertising changes to the ambulance services.]
TV Commercial Narrator: From today, dialing 999 won't get you the emergency services. And that's not the only thing that's changing. Nicer ambulances, faster response times, and better-looking drivers mean they're not THE emergency-services, they're YOUR emergency-services. So, remember the new number: 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3
Moss: [Watching the commercial] Well that's easy to remember! 0118 999 881 999 119 725...3.

Roy: How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999.
Roy: I mean 999!
Moss: That's the American one, you BERK!

Roy: Come on you crazy bitch. Denholm's called a general.
Jen: Oh no! Not another one.
Moss: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars.
[At the general meeting]
Denholm: I am declaring war. [The employees assembled groan in unison] I can see that got your attention. [Camera pulls back to reveal that he is wearing a ludicrously tight cycling get-up] What am I declaring war on?
Roy: [Sotto voce] My bollocks?

Denholm: In the time I've been talking, 80 MILLION people have DIED from stress. [clicks fingers] That's another one. [clicks again] That's another one. [clicks rapidly] MAYHEM!

[Moss is working on a stress machine. Suddenly, he looks up to see Roy eating a muffin]

Moss: What are you eating?
Roy: [with his mouth full] Muffin.
Moss: A muffin? How can you be hungry? You ate a whole chicken at the stress buffet.
Roy: [points to Moss' stress machine] What's that?
Moss: I've made a stress machine to try out on myself like the one in that class. Watch this. I'm going to ask myself a very personal question. [The needle goes to the end of the scale, drops, then goes back] Don't worry, I'm not really going to ask myself any questions. [The needle goes back to zero]

Jen: [Angrily] THE SHOES! [Leaves]
Moss: What was that all about?
Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.
Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
Moss: No, but I only know one woman, and she just left the room shouting "THE SHOES-ZA!!!"

Roy: Moss?
Moss: Uh?
Roy: Did you use a soldering-iron to make that stress-machine?
Moss: Yes.
Roy: You turned it off?
Moss: Oh, I'm fairly sure I did.
Roy: Because, you remember what happened last time, right?
Moss: Yes, that was very funny.
Roy: Well, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
Moss: Right, no, yep. I was thinking of a different incident. The one on the golfcourse.
Roy: What? I'm talking about the FIRE!
Moss: Oh, yeah, fire. Sorry, I always get mixed up between golf and fire.
Roy: Just make sure it's off.
Moss: It's off. I think.
Roy: Just make sure it is.
Moss: I will make sure it is.
Roy: And if it's already off...
Moss: [pause] I'll just walk away.

Moss: Will he get off my back, what is he? The soldering-iron police?
Moss: It's off. That means I turn it on. And just walk away.

Moss: Ow. Four! I mean, five! I mean, fire!

[Moss trying to read a fire-extinguisher instruction]
Moss: Stand upright. [He does so] Now I can't read it. [Realises his mistake] Oh, not me. I am a giddy goat.

Moss: I'll just put this over here with the rest of the fire.

Moss: (Writing email to fire department) "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out on the premises of..." no, that's too formal (Deletes). Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss.

[After Jen's furious tirade has ruined a valuable deal with a Japanese company]
Jen: I am so sorry, Denholm.
Denholm: That was quite a tirade, Jen. It would have been even worse if Paul hadn't been so quick on the profanity buzzer. [Turns to Paul, who is standing next to a button labelled 'profanity buzzer'] Good work, Paul; you're back on the payroll. As for you, you fucked up. [Beep]

Denholm: Shouting at Japs, mad feet - classic signs of stress!

Jen: I hate to remind everyone, but I just disturbed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire, Denholm is furious, so please, please, come to think on what's important, and HELP ME ON TO MY SHOES!

Moss: I can't go to prison Roy. They'll rape the flip out of me.

Moss: It's a one way ticket to slammertown for us Roy. With no return-ticket.

Denholm: Nice screensaver!

Denholm: [About the 'screensaver'] I love the way the smoke seems to be coming from the top of it. Just a second... I'm late for golf!

Moss: (Places down the stress machine) Let's see what's the matter with this then...

(Made in Britain)

Firefighter: (After bursting through the door and knocking Moss down) Did someone email us about a fire?

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

Roy: Well, here we are. Your place, your place. La maison de la femme. El casa del senorita. [Pause] Das Haus die* Frau! [*This is a mistake in the script. The correct phrase would be "Das Haus der Frau".] [this was a joke in the script, a play on words]
Patricia: Good night.
Roy: I'll just walk you to the door.
Patricia: There's no need...

Roy: So, I guess this is arrivederci. Quite fancy a cup of tea though. Glass of water maybe? Perhaps a little lie down?
Patricia: I have to tell you something. I wanted to say it in the restaurant, but a good time never came up and I wasn't gonna say it. I have to, uh...
Roy: What?
Patricia: You've got shit on your head.
Roy: What?
Patricia: There's some shit on your head.
Roy: What?. Where?
Patricia: It's been there for ages.
Roy: Oh God. Oh God.
[Roy wipes his finger through his forehead and smells the substance]
Roy: It's chocolate, it's chocolate. It's not shit. It's chocolate. It's my dessert. I don't know how it got there, but, um, its on my fingers. It's not shit.
Patricia: Thank god for that! Do you know, I just spent the last hour thinking you were some kind of disgusting tramp.
Roy: Oh, no, that's funny! How bout that cup of tea now?

Roy: I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end, oh but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead.
Moss: I thought you said it was chocolate.
Roy: Yes, chocolate. Yes, I meant chocolate. [sits down at his desk] You know, its typical. The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building into going out with me and this happens. Oh, she's gonna tell everyone.
Moss: Oh come on, she's a receptionist. She'd hardly gossip. Besides, it's a boring story.
Roy: Yeah, it's boring, it's boring. She won't tell anyone.
[Jen comes in the room, cackling with laughter]
Moss: She might have told Jen.

Roy: [on the phone]No, no, that's what I'm saying, it wasn't, it was chocolate, it was chocolate... I don't know, I don't know, it got on my fingers and then I must have... no listen, how did you even hear about this Mum?
Jen: Moss. Moss, there is a spider in my office. Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.
Moss: HEHEHE. Oh. Ah, yeah. I'm not overly fond of them myself there Jen. Hooooow, hooow big is, Ohheynow! I'll tell you what. I actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to-guy on anything with more than 7 eyes. He's on a very brief personal call right now.
Jen: Come on Moss, don't be silly.
[Jen lifts Moss up and half-carries him across the room]
Moss: No, you're right I'm being silly-WRAP IT UP ROY!

Moss: Oh, look, it seems to have left on his own volition.
Jen: Oh! Be a man Moss.
Moss: You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man. [whimpers] Please don't shut the door.
Jen: I won't.
Moss: Goodbye Jen.

Moss: JEN?
Jen: Yes?
Moss: Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.

Roy: That was my mother, how did she hear about this?
Jen: Oh, was that the women who phoned earlier? cause I've just been telling everybody... why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway? Her last boyfriend was Simon from 3rd.
Moss: Jen
Jen: Heya
Moss: Hullo there.
Jen: Have you caught it yet?
Moss: Not quite Jen. The spider's managed to walk behind me, and is between me and the door, so I can't get out.
Jen: Simon from 3rd is the one with the hair.
Roy: Oh him, oh hes awful. He one ate a copy of Loaded for a bet. She like him?
Jen: Apparently.
Roy: Well, that explains everything, she likes the kind of big obnoxious guy who eats Loaded.
Jen: Hello Daniel, how are you?
Daniel: I'm great thanks. How are you?
Jen: I'm great thanks.


Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

Roy: Shut up! Do as I tell you! I'm not interested! These are some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself.

P.S. No dogs!

[Moss and Roy downloading a picture of the woman who replied to Roy's fake classified ad at "pre-broadband-speed"]
Roy: Nice hair so far.
Roy: Eyebrows seem normal.
Moss: Two eyes. That's the best amount of eyes.
Roy: Nice eyes too. It has to go around. She must have a shite nose.
Roy: Oh, do you remember the internet at this speed? Up all night and you'll see 8 women.

Moss: Did you see I'm a Millionaire last night?
Roy: Who Wants to be a Millionaire, it's called.
Moss: Well you're not going to Adam-and-believe this.

[Jen trying desperately to find a nice restaurant in the yellow pages]
Moss: Well I went to a good restaurant recently. Nice atmosphere, food's great.
Jen: Really?
Moss: Yes, what?
Jen: Sorry I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.
Moss: I'm a restaurant person. Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheesestring? [offers Jen a cheesestring]
Jen: What is this place called?
Moss: Mesijos.
[Note: It's actually Messy Joe's]

[Moss is sitting on the toilet and his mum is talking to him through the door]
Mum: Moss? What you doing in there?
Moss: Number twos! Leave me alone!
Mum: Don't forget to flush or you'll plug it up like you used to.
Moss: I know! Stop doing this! You're always doing this! You're making it go back in!

The Red Door [1.4]

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

[Moss, Roy and Jen are eating lunch]
Roy: What's that?
Jen: Goat's cheese salad.
Roy: [grimaces] Ergh!
Jen: Don't you like goat's cheese?
Roy: I don't like goat's anything! I don't like goats involved in any stage of the food production process!
Moss: Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?
Jen: Well, what are you eating?
Roy: Bucket of fried chicken. Comes in a real bucket too! (Shows Jen the bucket)

Roy: It's just a boring old storeroom, that's all. It's just the storeroom where we keep the snippits.
Jen: What's a snippit?
Roy: It's a kind of plange.
Jen: Oh, a plange for the computers?
Roy: Yes, computer plange.

Roy: You can't upset the harmony of the place.
Jen: [laughs] Harmony? What harmony?
Roy: No, No, I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess but it's actually a very delicate ecosystem. [Moss makes circular motion with hands] Everything is connected. [Moss mimes being connected] It's like the rainforest. [Moss mimes rain falling] You change one thing... [Moss holds up one finger] ...even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies. [Moss mimes hanging himself] You don't want the rainforest to die, do you?
Jen: No, I don't want the rainforest to die.
Moss: Well, that's what will happen if you open the red door.

Richmond: And this one...flash...flash...flash...and wait for it, nothing for a while, here it comes...double flash...brilliant.
Jen: Wow, it's obvious you're going mad.

Richmond: Do I amaze you?

Moss: Jimminy jones... look. The nature of the thing that is happening has changed slightly, rendering it yet more interesting. Some day I will tell my kids about this.

Moss: Roy is stuck underneath a lady's desk.
Jen: What? Still?
Moss: Look, I know that normally this would be very funny but he's been under there too long for reasonable explanation. If that woman looks down she's going to assume he's a desk rabbit.
Jen: What's a desk rabbit?
Moss: I just made that up. But that's probably going to be what they start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk rabbit, he's my best friend.

Moss: [reading a text message] Roy is stuck under a desk.
Jen: What?
Moss: Yes, it is an unusual text message, it's not just me, is it?

Richmond: Arg! My milky lense has popped out! Don't step on it! you've got to help me find it! Oh, no, it's ok, I think it's just popped round the back. It does that sometimes.

Denholm: Hi Jen, I'm just enjoying this cup of tea.
[Begins to chuckle while looking at his cup of tea]
Denholm: Brilliant!

Jen: Goths are people too.

Roy: You're killing the rainforest!

Moss: Richmond´s out of his room he´s not in his room he´s supossed to be in his room why is he out of his room???

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

Bill: Yeah, you, Hucknall. When you... when you Simply Ready?

Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy (sarcastically): No, after. OF COURSE BEFORE! Why would I do it after?
Jen: Do you think they did that to him?
Roy: Okay, well. While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area.
Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'll be trouser food.

Jen (raspy voice): (Leaving Bill a phone message) Hey... It's Jen. Stop telling people I slept with you. You bastard!

Jen: Hey, uh, what did you say about me?
Moss: Hello there Jen. I would love to stay and chat, but I've just received a telephone call saying my father has just killed someone, which I need to attend to.
Jen: Did you tell everyone I was dead?
Moss (putting on face shield): Maybe...

Moss: I can't believe he would lie like that! Doesn't he know lying can have very serious ramifications?

(suspence music as his eyes shift rapidly, he picks up his mobile phone)

Moss: Hello?

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

Roy: I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building. All because those two from accounts just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.
Moss: The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy.

Jen: OK Moss what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smartie cereal.
Jen: Oh my god, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Moss: I've been swearing like a flipping docker!

Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh. Do you not like aunt Irma? I have an aunt like that.
Jen: It's my term for... my time of the month.
Roy: Oh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No!...
Moss: Does aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Jen: You know, it's high tide.
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm closed for maintenance.
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the Communists.
Moss: Well, they do have some strong arguments.
Roy: Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: [Very uncomfortably] Oh... okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Yeah. No, uh-uh.

Roy:Moss, how would you feel about a big girls night out?
Moss: That depends Roy. How big are the girls?

Season 2

Work Outing [2.1]

Phillip: Do you like the theater?
Moss: Never Been. But, I've always like the idea of the theater. The smell of the grease, the roar of the paint. I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers, I would have gone into the theater.
Phillip: But you've never been to see a play?
Moss: No.
Phillip: Why not?
Moss: I've never had the interest.

Richmond: Hey, where are all you lot off to?
Moss: Oh look, Richmond is still alive!
Roy: We're going to the theatre, hey, do you wanna come? [Jen hits Roy]
Richmond: Oh no... No thank you. And you shouldn't go either.
Jen: Why not?
Richmond: An ill wind is blowing. Last night I was stirred from my slumber by a crow cawing three times. Caw... Caw... Well, you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window, I trod on a piece of lego. Ooh, it went right in the heel! Turning on my television set I noticed the reception wasn't great, not terrible, just not great. Here me well, no good can come of your trip to the theatre. No good at all. And if you ask me-- [turns to find they have left the room] Well that's just bloody rude. Where's my 'Heat'?

Roy: [about Gay: A Gay Musical] No, they're not. Hum one of the songs!
Jen: Willies, willies, I like willies...
Roy: It's I love willies.
Jen: What?
Roy: I LOVE willies.
Bartender: Sir..can you keep it down please?

Roy: A gay musical, called "Gay." That's quite gay. A gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay? This must be like the gayest musical ever made.
Moss: It's got some pretty good reviews.
Jen: [reading poster] The story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years... Warning. Includes scenes of graphic homo-eroticism.
Moss: Augh, no! ... It's set in the 80's!
Roy: Graphic homo-eroticism? Does that mean they're going to get them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

Jen: How long have you been disabled?
Roy: Ten Years..?
Jen: And how did it happen?
Roy: Acid.
Jen: Acid! What are the chances?
Roy: I know, hundred to one.
Jen: Would you like a drink?
Roy: Whisky, double.

Jen: No no no, if he was gay, why would he ask me out?
Moss: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?

"'Phillip"': What on Earth made you think I was gay?
Jen: Well you just took me to a musical called... 'Gay. You're laughing at every 'gay' reference. All your friends..., all of whom are 'gay' greet you by tickling you.
Phillip: [Laughs] Jen, what century are you living in? Can a straight man not enjoy a gay musical? Can a straight man not have homosexual friends? And since when was tickling gay? I missed that meeting darling. Jen... jen
Jen: No alright it's just you threw me off when you borrowed that copy of Heat
Phillip: [Breaks down crying] Oh god it's true it's true. I'm gay, I'm a gay man. I've been trying to run away from it but it was hopeless. [Cries more] I thought I could make it work between us, because you looked a bit like a man.

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

Denholm: Gentlemen, when I first started Denholm Industries, I had only two things in my possession. A dream, and six million pounds. Today, I have a business empire, the like of which - the world has never seen the like of which. Hope it doesn't sound arrogant, when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!

Moss: [doing a questionnaire which claims to calculate the date of your death] Okay, question 40, do you get your five fruit and veg?
Roy: I certainly try to. I would say I probably do.
Jen: A day.
Roy: A what?

Moss: Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all the computers on floor seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs because the lift is broken, again.
Jen : Oh my god!
Roy: What?
Jen: Oh my god!
Roy: What. What, what is it?
Jen: Denholm's dead!
Moss: Oh yes, and Denholm's dead.

Roy: Did you fix the phone?
Moss: Yeah! I've pimped your phone, girlfriend!

Roy puts phone in a drawer in his desk, and Moss calls it with his own phone. The entire desk vibrates violently

Roy: Is that the highest setting?
Moss: That's the LOWEST setting!

Roy: I'm not turning it up to 8 Moss, it'll blow my cock off!

Roy: What? Did somebody else die?

[Richmond enters the room with skeleton make-up]

Jen:Nooooo, Richmond, you are NOT coming to the funeral!
Richmond:What funeral?

Moss: [at Denholm's funeral, talking to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.
Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Please take it.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [Hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

Douglas: FATHER!!

Douglas: Speak, priest!

Douglas: (The phone that Moss and Roy had 'pimped' is in his pocket vibrating) Nearly at the station!

Moss and the German [2.3]

Narrator: (Parodying the PSA shown before films) You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences.

Jen: (to Douglas, who's been making sexual advances to her) What do you want then?
Douglas: Er... something work related.
Jen: What department is this?
Douglas: Sorry?
Jen: Well, if it's work related you'd obviously know what department this is. What department is this?
Douglas: (looking at Roy and Moss) Some sort of homosexual department?

Douglas: (on the phone) You could come over here, we could put on some music, I could give you a back rub, see what happens. Oh no, wait, I've got this guy coming over to watch a DVD, another time maybe, okay. Oh, and some chicken wings please, thank you.

Moss: Egg and my face were in alignment

Roy: (arguing with Jen) Jen, stop being such an old fuddy-duddy. The world has changed! If two grown man can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes, in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all move to Iran!

Dinner Party [2.4]

Jen: He's taking me to Paris this weekend.
Moss: Ah, Paris.
Jen: Have you been to Paris, Moss?
Moss: No. I've heard of it.

Jen: Now, I'll be honest with you, the reason I got you round a bit early is to go over a few ground rules with you. If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory or RAM.
Moss: Memory is RAM!

Jessica: Gosh, ooh. Oh dear. Look at us, having a conversation. Yikes. *sing* Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. *laughs* Eating. Ooh. "Hello, how are you?" "Oh, I'm a fish. Help, I'm being eaten." *laughs*
Richmond: You know, when you laugh, I can see the outline of your skull.

Jessica: Oh, dear. Look at me, having an orgasm.

Peter: Err,

Paula: Sorry, I didn't hear.
Moss: I said, do you think you'd die if you drank wee?
Richmond: I don't know, but it's a bloody good question. Here's a question: Who here would eat a spider? I would.
Margaret: Well, I ate an eel in New York, but it was onstage, so it doesn't count.
Roy: Ah, New York. The city of apples.

[Roy and Moss enter at the same time]

Jen: What's up with you?
Roy: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I was planning to have a little poo.
Jen: [Frustrated] No, with Paula. You keep asking all those questions about her accident!
Roy: I'm interested.
Jen: You're trying to work out what state her face is in!
Roy: Was that obvious?
Moss: Well, I suppose I should go back and see what Judy Finnegan is up to. I tell you, if this keeps up, I will divorce her.
Roy: You're not married.

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

John: I don't think that's true.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority. If you type 'Google', into Google, you can break the internet, so please, no one try it, even for a joke.
(Executives laugh)
Jen: It's not a laughing matter, you can break the internet.

Roy: Is this another one of your inventions?
Moss: Maybe
Roy: What was the last one? Oh yeah, a ladder to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths.
Moss: Yes they do.
Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder. They have wings. When a moth thinks about traveling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of.

Moss: I feel trapped like a moth, in a bath.

Moss: Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie, that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark egg on your face.

Moss: Smoke and mirrors Roy, is it Fennel, is it Jennel, if I don't know, how will they? Who am I Roy, I'm a ghost, I'm a shadow, I'm gone. Pfft! *phone rings, Moss picks up* Hello, Moss speaking.

Moss: I eat ready for breakfast!

Jen: Oh my god! My tits are on fire!!

Moss: Can I talk about my Bra yet? *holds the bra up*

Jen: Where did you get pizza?
Roy: *smiling* Some idiot left it in the toilet.

Douglas: [holding a CD] The Ordinary Boys? Where do they get these crazy names? [There is a knock at his door, Douglas puts down the CD] Entreree. [Roy enters]
Roy: Hi, Mr. Reynholm, Roy, I.T.
Douglas: Er, my computer's broken. Wow, I have to say that's a really wild look. [Roy looks at his shirt] You know, things are moving so fast, I can't keep up. First, The Ordinary Boys, and now this.

Men Without Women [2.6]

[Douglas enters the Wizard's tent]
Douglas: You there! Blind wizened man. I come from a far away place to seek a great sorcerer.
Wizard: I am whom you seek.
Douglas: You? Why, you are nothing but an old man in rags sitting in a tent playing 'hoop-a-loo' with the wind.
Wizard: You wish for proof?
Douglas: Aye!
Wizard: [Producing a deck of cards] Pick a card. [Douglas selects the Queen of Diamonds] Don't show me! Put it back in the pack. [The Wizard shuffles the deck and produces the Ace of Diamonds] Is this your card?
Douglas: No - but damn close! You are the man I seek.

Wizard: Come, Sit! Tell me your tale...
Douglas: It is a woman.
Wizard: HA! It is always a woman.
Douglas: Her sweet voice awakes a mighty tiger behind my fly. Yet she is proud and will not have me. Her name is Jane or Jan or something similar.

Wizard: Take this tinc... tinct... tincture, tincture, and put it in her drink. She will be yours within moments!
Douglas: Thank you. I will use it well.
[Douglas throws down a bag of coins; it catches the Wizard on the side of the head]
Wizard: Ahh! What did you that for?!
Douglas: Sorry, it was an accident.
Wizard: What d'you do that for?! You hit me in the head!
Douglas: Well, like I say, it was an accident...
Wizard: But it's full of coins!
Douglas: Alright, alright! I've apologised once!
Wizard: That was a really stupid thing to do!
Douglas: Well you could have caught it, you idiot!
Wizard: A really stupid thing to do!
Douglas: Oh, I don't have time for this bullshit
[Douglas leaves the tent]

[After receiving a call from Douglas' office]
Jen: He keeps bringing me up on these flimsy pretexts. The other day it was to show me a dead fly.
[Flashback; a close-up of a dead fly on Douglas' windowsill pulls back to Douglas eagerly pointing at it and Jen staring at him, confused]
Douglas: Hahahaha! Fly!

Douglas: I like you Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.
Jen: Thank you.
Douglas: Which is why I'd like you to be my PA.
Jen: Oh! Really?
Douglas: Yes. Stephanie's leaving.
Jen: Definitely?
Douglas: No, Stephanie. It comes with a huge pay raise, and a chance at lots of wonderful opportunities you'd be crazy to pass up...Sex.
Jen: What?
Douglas: What?
Jen: Did you say "Sex"?
Douglas: I don't think so, come on, Jen, I need your mind on the job, not thinking about sexy sex all the time. It's true, I have been accused of sexy shenanigans towards my female employees.
Jen: Yes, there's that court case.
Douglas: Yeah, but she was settled. But, that was the old me, and this is the new me, and I want you to be a part of it, a part of me...(under his breath) Sex.

(Jen talking to Moss about her being Douglas PA)

Moss: His PA! shut up! His PA! Get out of here!
Jen: It means personal assistant.
Moss: Thank you.

[When Jen is settling into her new office]
Douglas: Welcome to the thirty-first floor, Jen. Come with me; I want to show you something.
[Cut to a close up of two dead flies on Douglas' windowsill]
Douglas: [Eagerly] Two of them now!
Jen: [Bemused] Yes. Do you want me to get rid of them for you?
Douglas: Ten minutes in and you've already paid for yourself.

Douglas: Good god!
Jen: Mr Reynholm?
Douglas: You looked exactly like Melissa there.
Jen: Melissa?
Douglas: My wife. She died.
Jen: Oh, poor you, that's terrible.
Douglas: There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her. I'll never forget our final moments.
A woman's voice in his head: Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!

Douglas: Please dress up as my sexy dead wife.

[Voiceover to Douglas' promotional video]
Douglas: Reynholm Industries! A big hard business in a big hard building. Thrusting into the future strongly, again and again! Pounding the future. Making the future beg for it. The future wants it, and Reynholm Industries wants to give it to the future. That's what it's all about. We don't want to be like a dead fly, regretting what we didn't do on our short time on this Earth, so maybe it's time to make a decision. [A split second shot of a naked Douglas flashes up on screen]

Douglas: That damn wizard! Twenty gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol!

Douglas: Pucker up boys! It's hammer time!

Roy: Hello, I'd like to order a pizza please (laughs) and can I have it with extra grapes? (laughs again)
Moss: Grapes, what are you like?!

Moss: Wow, you totalled that cup, dude.

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