The Man with Two Brains

From Quotes
Happiness is a sunbeam which may pass through a thousand bosoms without losing a particle of its original ray; nay, when it strikes on a kindred heart, like the converged light on a mirror, it reflects itself with redoubled brightness. It is not perfected till it is shared.
Jane Porter
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The Man with Two Brains is a 1983 comedy film about a brain surgeon who tries to end his unhappy marriage to spend more time with a disembodied brain.

Dialogue

Dr. Hfuhruhurr: I'm not gonna Fuck a Gorilla!

[A recurring scene in the operating room…]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Metzenbaum scissors!
Nurse: Metzenbaum scissors!
[A cat meows.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Get that cat out of here!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr is talking to a reporter while driving his car.]
Reporter: Dr. Furrier?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: It's Hfuhruhurr.
Reporter: I'm sorry.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: That's alright. A lot of people mispronounce it, but it sounds just the way it's spelled: H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R. Hfuhruhurr.
Reporter: Hfuhruhurr-rurr-rurr.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: That's good. You just went a little past it, there. Just put the brakes on a little sooner.

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr, dressed in a sterile medical "bunny" suit, finds someone has added floppy rabbit ears to it.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: I don't find this amusing, Guerrero!

[Dr. Brandon is arguing with Dr. Hfuhruhurr about his performing the operation on Dolores.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: But there's only one other person I'd trust to perform this operation — Beckerman!
Dr. Brandon: Well Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe! You know that!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Exactly! Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away!

Dr. Brandon: Six weeks, and you haven't made love to your wife yet? No wonder you're tense!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Dr. Brandon! The woman has just had major brain surgery! She's had enough unpleasantness! But I'll have you know, that, in the finger-sucking department, I am extremely satisfied!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr is checking into a ritzy Vienna hotel.]
Hotel Clerk: Dr. Hmmfurr?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: It's close, yes!

[Dr. Conrad discusses Dr. Hfuhruhurr's murdered colleague.]
Dr. Conrad: Dr. Schlermie Beckerman, a brilliant brain surgeon.

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr is lecturing to an audience of doctors in Vienna.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
[The crowd murmurs and whispers in consternation. Dr. Hfuhruhurr speaks aside to Dr. Conrad.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying?
Dr. Conrad: Zey are just saying "murmur, murmur, murmur".
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You mean it's just sort of a general "muuur-mur"?
Dr. Conrad: Yeah. Murmur!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Huh.
[Dr. Hfuhruhurr returns to his lecturing.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You may murmur all you like…
The Crowd: [spoken loudly and distinctly] MURMUR! MURMUR! PSSS PSSS PSSSP!

[Dr. Necessiter introduces Dr. Hfuhruhurr to his collection of disembodied brains, stored in large apothecary jars.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Brains! I've never seen so many brains out of their heads before! I feel like a kid in a candy store.
[Dr. Hfuhruhurr reaches for a jar.]
Dr. Necessiter: DON'T TOUCH IT!!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Dr. Necessiter: They're alive!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Alive! But there's no wires or tubes or that, uh… that bzzzz thing! How are they kept alive?

Dr. Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence!
Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense! If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it!

Dr. Necessiter: I must warn you, Doctor. What you're about to see might strike you as the most incredible, awesome—
[The phone rings.]
Dr. Necessiter: Excuse me.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Incredible what? Awesome what? What am I going to see?
Dr. Necessiter: Hello, yes! [listens] I'll be there immediately! Thank you.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: What was that "awesome" thing?
Dr. Necessiter: No, I must leave now. I have a new brain to pick. The Elevator Killer has struck again.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Well, what about Beckerman and– and "incredible"?
Dr. Necessiter: Uh, come for dinner tonight, and bring Mrs. Fuuhrrrr!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Hfuhruhurr!
Dr. Necessiter: Huhf-fuhr! Eight o'clock! You can let yourself out!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr, in the middle of a marital spat, grabs an expensive vase to throw.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Our marriage lies broken on the floor, like the shards of glass on our honeymoon suite!
[He slams the vase to the ground, but it bounces back up into his hands.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Ahhh! Oh-ho! 19th-Century Indian rubber vase, eh?!

[After Michael departs, Dolores answers a phone call.]
Caller: Dr. H-furr-rurr-rurr-rurr, please?
Dolores: I'm afraid he's not in. This is Mrs. Hfff-fffff…
Caller: I'm the attorney for Dr. H-fyur-rurr-rurr-rurr-rurr's step-grandmother.

[Dr. Necessiter discusses his breakthrough with the not-quite-deceased Schlermie Beckerman.]
Dr. Necessiter: You knew a Schlermie Beckerman?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You mean you've got Schlermie in one of those jars, like so much marmalade?
Dr. Necessiter: No! Schlermie Beckerman isn't in a jar! He's walking and talking!

[In Dr. Necessiter's lab, Dr. Hfuhruhurr discovers a brain that can communicate telepathically with him.]
Brain: Who are you?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr.
Brain: Dr. Hfuhruhurr?
[Dr. Hfuhruhurr is startled by her correct pronunciation.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: My God!
Brain: What?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You're the first… o–object that ever pronounced it right!
Brain: How else could you pronounce it? It's H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R, i'n't it?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Yes! … Who are you?
Brain: Anne. Anne Uumellmahaye.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: [rapidly] U-U-M-E-L-L-M-A-H-A-Y-E? Uumellmahaye?
Brain: Yes!

[After Dolores finally consummates her marriage to Dr. Hfuhruhurr…]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: I never knew it could be like that! [exhales] So… so… professional!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr is rowing with Anne's enjarred brain, complete with sunhat and sunglasses, along an idyllic creek.]
Anne Uumellmahaye: I don't think there's a girl floating in any jar anywhere who's as happy as I am! Oh, Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head? [pauses] Sorry, I forgot.

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr removes Anne's brain from the oven Dolores tried to bake her in. He tries to cool her off in the sink.]
Anne Uumellmahaye: I… I think I'm alright.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Count to ten!
Anne Uumellmahaye: 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… [pause] 10.
[Dr. Hfuhruhurr turns to Dolores in a rage.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You! You cooked her nines!

[Dolores and Michael finally confront each other. No match for Dolores' knife-wielding strength, Dr. Hfuhruhurr kicks her in the groin.]
Dolores: Uhh! My… balls!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr tries to enlist Dr. Necessiter's help to be with Anne.]
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: I want you to put me in with Anne Uumellmahaye!
Dr. Necessiter: Anne Uumellma-who?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Uumellmahaye!

[Dr. Necessiter discusses the not-so-successful possibility of transferring Anne into a human body, rather than a gorilla like Beckerman.]
Dr. Necessiter: In my recovery room are two subjects who do nothing but this: [clapping his hands like a seal] "Pfffffffft!" BUT I think I've solved the problem!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: What kind of life would that be? "This is my wife?" [clapping his hands like a seal] "Pfffffffft!" Ohhh, I know her! She'd hate that!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr, driving with the dead Dolores in the passenger seat, is pulled over by the Vienna police.]
Polizist: Sie sind zu schnell gefahren. Kann ich Ihre Führerschein sehen?
SUBTITLE: "You were speeding. May I see your license?"
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Huh?
Polizist: [more slowly] Sie sind zu schnell gefahren. Kann ich Ihre Führerschein sehen?
SUBTITLE: "You were speeding. May I see your license?"
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Oh, I'm sorry, Officer.
Polizist: Ah, you speak English! Goot!
[The policeman yells back to the police car.]
Polizist: Sie können mit sie Untertitels nicht machen!
SUBTITLE: "You can stop the subtitles now."
[The policeman looks out toward the screen as the subtitles disappear.]
Polizist: Zat's better! We have more room down zer now!
[The policeman returns to Dr. Hfuhruhurr's car.]
Polizist: License?
[After receiving the doctor's license, he reads the name.]
Polizist: Hffrrrr… Hfürrr…
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: [irritated] Yes?

Polizist: Hey! She's not asleep! She's dead!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: My God, you're right! I'd better get her to a cemetery at once!

[In Dr. Necessiter's lab, the doctors prepare to transfer Anne's brain into Dolores' body.]
Dr. Necessiter: Set the Theremin at 1945!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Theremin, 1945!
⇒ NOTE: The first use of the Theremin, the device that produced eerie electronic warbles for many a science fiction B-movie, was in the 1945 film Lost Weekend.

[As the police try to stop the experiment…]
Inspector: You are playing God!
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: SOMEBODY has to!

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr awakens from a coma, not knowing how the experiment turned out.]
Dr. Brandon: Your wife is here. She's in the waiting room.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Whose brain does she have?
Dr. Brandon: Whose brain does she have?
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Does she talk? Or does she go, "Pthpthpthpthpthpthpthp"?
Dr. Brandon: Ah, no, no. She talks, Michael. [chuckles]
[Dr. Hfuhruhurr tries to get out of bed.]
Dr. Brandon: Uh-tut-tut! You've been in bed six weeks! You know you don't have the strength.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: I'm strong enough. I want to see her.
Dr. Brandon: Nurse, uh, tell Mrs. Huffer that Dr. Huffer's awake.
Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Hfuhruhurr.

Lillison poems

The poems of John Lillison, England's Greatest One-Armed Poet, as read by Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:

  • "In Dillman's Grove"
In Dillman's Grove, our love did die,
And now in ground shall ever lie.
None could e'er replace her visage,
Until your face brought thoughts of kissage.
  • "Pointy Birds"
O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy.

Major cast

See also

External links