The Mighty Boosh

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Life is an end in itself, and the only question as to whether it is worth living is whether you have had enough of it.
Oliver Wendel Holmes Jr.
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The Mighty Boosh (2004-) is a British cult comedy about two slightly hapless zookeepers working under the ever-watchful eye of a bad-tempered zoo boss.

Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh! Taglines

Series 1


Bob Fossil: Note to self: Pocket cup....


Howard: Howard Moon freed the mutant race, and in doing so will be remembered as a kind of modern day Spartacus.

Bob Fossil: [Addressing children] Why are you people so small? I can rest my drinks on your heads.

Bob Fossil: [Describing a python] You know, the windy man, the long mover.

Dixon Bainbridge: Make something up, you prick! Tell them he got eaten by the python.

Dixon Bainbridge: If you can keep your stupid mouth shut, you stand to make one hundred Euros, maybe more depending on the bureau de change here.

Dixon Bainbridge: That's a filthy habit you've got there, Moon. [Knocks Howard out]

Naboo: Where's my frog?
Bob Fossil: You smoked it last night!
Naboo: Oh yeah!

Naboo: My shaman senses are tingling!


Bob Fossil:I'm your boss-man, but i'm also your friend, but i'm not your wife, but we have made massively violent love. Wait, did I say that out loud?

Bob Fossil: You know, the squashed-in French man, the little squashed-up hairy boy, with the hand feet, the brown little hand feet, the brown little hand foot man.

Mr Susan: [Referring to his mirror balls] Look at them shine! Look at them shine!

Ape of Death: Howard Moon, you are to be thrown in to The Pit of Eternal Fire, for heinous crimes.
Howard: [Confused] But Bollo led a clean life.
Ape of Death: Yeah, but you bummed that fox.

Ape of Death: Now, prepare to die!
Howard: Aren't I already dead?
Ape of Death: Yeah, but it hurts more the second time.

Mr Susan: BUT, choose wisely. For there are over seventeen mirrors in mirror world! [Giggles]
Vince: Mirror world? It's not really a world, is it? More of a small room.
Mr Susan: Yes, but a mirror will make a room appear larger.

Vince: [Naboo is squeezing a frog] Oh, I've seen this being done. You're extracting the resin from it's belly.
Naboo: No, it's not that. I just don't like this frog. I'm giving him a bit of a squeeze.

Mr Susan: But choose the wrong mirror and you will be trapped here forever with nothing but your own reflection for company! hee! hee! hee!
Vince: Yeah okay sounds good.


Vince: See, the thing about Gary Numan, right, is he's a pop star but he's also got a pilot's license, imagine that!

Howard: Black Frost makes Jack Frost look like a warm cardigan.

Howard: Stop tugging my mink!

Howard: Just imagine the headlines; 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a nice ring to it doesn't it?
Vince: Colon explorer? I think that's got the wrong ring to it

Dixon Bainbridge: I don't like to end on a down note, so here's a song; "Turn around... [Starts singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart"]

Dixon Bainbridge: Okay, you icy bastard, let's put down some ground rules!

Dixon Bainbridge: I'll just take that [points at the egg of Mantumbi], have a piss, and be off.

Howard: Don't you be mocking my mocha.

Dixon Bainbridge: It took me one day to grow this moustache.

Dixon Bainbridge: I understand it took Howard Moon one month to grow that moustache. Check the insect cabinet, I think we're one caterpillar short!

Dixon Bainbridge: Then the wolf came at me, but luckily I had a pistol hidden in my moustache, and I shot the hound.

Dixon Bainbridge: Howard Moon and his ugly girlfriend are missing from the zoo.

Dixon Bainbridge: I don't know, a KitKat?

Dixon Bainbridge: Naboo! Are you in a trance?
Naboo: No, I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac.
Dixon Bainbridge: Ahhh, Rumours.
Naboo: Tusk.


Vince: I'm King of the Mods.

Vince: It is enough, but is it really enough?

Howard: Forest casual, for the leafy gent.

Howard: Get off my juju beads!

Howard: Feather cut, the pointy features. Put you in the '50s, you'd be imprisoned for being a witch. They'd lock you in a trunk!

Bob Fossil: [Miming archery] I'm going to Miami to take up golf.

Tommy: Cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef, I milk it from my teat, but I try to be discreet. Oooooh, Cheese! Oooooh, Cheese!

Tommy: Ohhh, cheese dreams!

Tommy: There are only two kinds of men who venture into the jungle at this time of night; a fool or an idiot.

Tommy: Yes, my face is hideous to behold, but when I dance, oh how my beauty shines forth and lights up the jungle!

Tommy: [Being grated] Aaah... a little to the left... oh, thats good...

Tommy: Ah! A Mod! He is a Mod, I am a Rocker, we are mortal enemies!

Tommy: Come closer, closer... not you, fire.

Tommy: I'm turning tricks in Chad!

Tommy: I'm off my everloving tits!

Tommy: As the saying goes, 'you are what you eat'... And I am freaking cheese!

Vince: Remember when that llama got out?
Howard: Oh yeah.
Vince: Oh, he went AWOL, he went crazy! Started hoofing the public! D'ya remember?
Howard: Mmm.
Vince: Oh, he was out there hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars, haha. He got in the gift shop, put a false moustache on, and a little girl came in and went, "Can I have a pencil top?" and "Hyuughh!" haha, hoofed her right outta the shop. Ah, no-one could get near that llama... but you, Howard. You got off with it.
Howard: Yeah, it's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.
Vince: Calm a llama down...
Both: Calm a llama deep down in the ocean blue, like a barnacle, sitting in a tight place, laughing like a monkey, I'm pulling like a China boy, carraway, carraway, carraway, noise! Boing, chika, masala, boing, chika, masala, ooohhhhh! Tooth! tooth! Pffth.

Vince: You'll be alright won't you, I mean, you're a Shaman, it's a pretty specialist job.
Naboo: Yeah. I might turn myself into a Mighty Hawk.
Vince: A what?
Naboo: [whispering] A Mighty Hawk.
Vince: Oh, right.
Naboo: Or I might work in Dixons. I haven't decided yet.
Vince: Tough decision.

Bob Fossil: Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge. I don't know how to dial. Thankyou.

Vince: Who are you?
Rudi: I go by many names.......
Vince: Well what are they then?
Rudi: I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time....

Rudi: Perhaps what you seek is inside you?
Vince: No, it's not.
Rudi: Damn, that usually works.
Vince: Well basically I'm looking for my mate Howar-
Rudi: I told you not to tell me!......Your friend is dead.
Vince: What?
Rudi: Eaten by wolvsh.
Vince: By what?
Rudi: Wolvsh.


Vince: It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.

Vince: Charlie's great, he's made from a million pieces of bubble gum, imagine that!

Vince: You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantuala's eggs?

Bob Fossil: Well, apparently, and, uh, this is on the QT, Bainbridge told me that when the man-panda kisses the lady-panda, they invent new baby-pandas. And everybody comes from all over and gives us money.

Dixon Bainbridge: He punched a filly in the face!

Vince: I like thick girls. Girls who like bright colors, dancing, soft fabrics.
Howard: Don't you want an equal?
Vince: Yeah!

Dixon Bainbridge: Krakatoa in '62, we stayed on to watch the hanging!
Hamilton Cork: God she struggled, it was as if she didn't want to die! [They laugh]
Dixon Bainbridge: Great wedding!


Vince: As if, Lady Fame's at my house all the time, knocking at the door, I got to Tesco's, she's hanging on to my cords.

Vince: Yeah, rock 'n' roll is fast, y'know. If all goes according to plan, I could be in rehab next Thursday! Tuesday week, I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Vince: Driving along on a plastic dream, heart beats fast like a tiny machine, I am electro boy. I am electro girl. Sailing along on a Perspex sea, crystal moccasins, bionic cheese, I am electro boy. I am electro girl.

Howard: ...Later on, there'll be an aquatic display at 3.30 and again at 5.30. I'll be, myself, participating in that as a porpoise jockey, in the porpoise derby. I don't know if you've ever seen a man ride a porpoise but it can be quite thrilling; quite a thrilling sight for a... young lady to see.

Howard: Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.

The Spirit of Jazz: I'm gonna wear you like a glove!

The Spirit of Jazz: I've been inside all the greats; Charlie Parker, Miles Davies - I even got inside Steve Davis... though that was an accident.

The Spirit of Jazz: I'm gonna creep inside you like a warm kitten.

The Spirit of Jazz: That ain't no door back there, that's the toilet.

The Spirit of Jazz: [To Howard] Chica-chic-ow... OW! Man, my hat's on fire! What's wrong with you, you blind, why didn't you tell me?
Howard: Sorry, I thought it was your look.
The Spirit of Jazz: No it aint my look!

Vince: He's in a trance, a jazz trance. Every day he does this. It's a very delicate procedure to get him out. [Slaps Howard]
Howard: [Out of breath] Don't do that, ever, never do that to a man in a jazz trance.
Vince: Why?
Howard: I could have a heart attack. It's like sleep walking. I was deep in the juju then, chasing the train.
Vince: So what, why don't you try doing some work?
Howard: I'm gonna get round to doing my work. This is my early morning procedure. Listen to my jazz, get myself juiced up. Then go about my business.
Vince: No you don't. You put your jazz on, go into a trance, ten past six come out of the trance, go to the pub. That's your day.

Howard: Are you aware of the music known as jazz? Are you aware of jazz music, the movement of jazz?
Vince: Why do you keep goin' on about jazz for?
Howard: Because it's the most important art form in the 20th century.
Vince: No one listens to jazz. Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all jazz is for.
Howard: You better take that back, you electro ponce.
Vince: Or what?
Howard: You better just take it back, that's all.
Vince: I won't be taking that back, I'll be leaving it out there for all to see.
Howard: Drink it back up.
Vince: No. I hate jazz.
Howard: You hate jazz? You fear jazz. Huh?
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: Ahhhh... you fear jazz, don't you?
Vince: No I don't.
Howard: You fear the lack of rules, the lack of boundaries. Oh its a fence, no its soft, ahh... What's happening? The shapes, the chaos! Huh? It has to be simple nursery rhymes for you, doesn't it? [to the tune of a nursery rhyme] Dee di dee di dee dee di. When the melody gets abstract, you mess your trousers and run to your mummy. [Howard starts scat singing].

Howard: I can't play music anymore, otherwise the Spirit of Jazz will come in and do things to me!
Naboo: Play this. [holds up a trumpet]
Howard: Naboo, are you high?
Naboo: Yeah!

Spirit of Jazz: You wanna be on the wall, Howard Moon?
Howard: How do you know my name?
Spirit of Jazz: It's on your trumpet case, asshole.


Vince: You're greedy for the verse.

Howard: Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks, Johnny Segment?

Howard: That's a raspberry bootlace, you berk.

Bob Fossil: [Describing a bear] Ivan the hairy Russian carpet guy.

Bob Fossil: Naboo, you saved my life! Now I must kiss you passionately on the lips! [Naboo fires a dart at him] Argh, my nuts!

Bob Fossil: ... and technically you're not a peeping tom if it's one of your relatives.

Bob Fossil: ... and that's why you should never bring a cricket bat to Greece.

The Hitcher: I'm a Cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya!

The Hitcher: Dancin' skeletons; white, blue and yeller 'uns!

The Hitcher: I don't think so, squire.

The Hitcher: Trapped in a box by a Cockney nut-job, 'ave a cuppa tea, 'ave a cuppa tea!

The Hitcher: You love it you slag!

The Hitcher: It's coming out of me like yellow cable!

The Hitcher: Coming in your room in the dead of night, with my solo polo vision. [Polo twins: That's right!]

The Hitcher: He slashes one way, he slahes the other, he slashes diagonally, he's like Connect Four in dagger terms!

The Hitcher: The Nazi turtle, a freshwater facist for all the family.

The Hitcher: You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? Intrigue ya does it boy? My Thumb? Let me tell ya 'bout it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers, all with bleedin' massive thumbs. You see the thumb its a tremendous boom to the hitchhiker, helps with work. Ya know what I mean? Only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff, Disgusting! Even my own mother would reel back in horror, like an anaconda, 'Aagh! What is it!? Get it out of here! It's tiny! It's horrible, it's revolting! Take your tiny thumb and get out of here and never darken my door again!' she'd say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman: part man, part hornet. So I went looking for him. I went everywhere. I combed the universe in search of the stripy insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores. Like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it, and he stung it. He grabbed onto it, it was like he was making love to it with his sting. In and out, in and out, more and more! Oh the pus, the pain, the black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn't know what was happening. Oh for days I was in a trance. But when I came to, there it was. Like a fleshy maraca! A thumb of gigantic proportion! 'A miracle!' I said, 'A miracle, you're a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?' And he said to me, 'Five hundred euros.' 'Five hundred euros!? You won't see penny one from me you slag!' And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in I could see in his little insect face, could see him thinkin', 'Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb! And now it's killing me! My own beastly creation, killin' me dead. The sweet irony.' I think he was sayin' that, although it was a long time ago. And in hindsight, he coulda just been shittin' himself.

Naboo: Who are you meant to be?
Howard: [dressed as Bryan Ferry] Bryan Ferry.
Naboo: Have you SEEN Bryan Ferry?
Howard: Yeah, what's your point?
Naboo: You look like Terry Wogan.

Series 2

The Call of the Yeti

Vince: The tie is a multi-purpose accessory! Belt, school boy, Rambo...

Vince: Yeah, big deal! *shows scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

Vince: I just narrowly avoided a bumming from Grizzly Adams!

Vince: C'mon, Bollo, get your monkey anus up at the steering wheel.

Kodiac Jack: Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose... [Throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]

Kodiac Jack: Jimminy Christmas!

Kodiac Jack: Well lookey here!

Kodiac Jack: A pretty little thing like you and a big ol' mountain man like me...

Kodiac Jack: You ever had a goose rip off your scrotum an sell it a day later on eBay? Well I have An it Ain't perty!

Naboo: Vince, you're a punk, stay punk! Think of Johnny Thunders, Mick and Keith!

The Priest and the Beast

Rudi: Put away those fiery biscuits!

Spider: Roger Daltry doesn't hoover for anybody, he's his own man!

Rudi: Feel the power of my fusion lick!
Spider: (After being knocked over by the sound of Rudi's guitar) Ohhh, my pancreas...

Betamax: Betamax is obsolete.

Spider: Betamax? I don't like the sounds of him! He sounds like a whole heap of bullshit!

Spider: Speak the plain English, don't run around the house in a little car!

Rudi: Is it so wrong for a man to love his guitar?
Spider: It is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!

Spider: You cannot make milk into cheese!
Rudi: Yes, you can.
Spider: Aaah, bad example!

Monkey: Next time you see a pig, or eat peanut sandwich, think of me.
Rudi: Wait what is your name?
Monkey: MONKEY!

Monkey: No I love my pig, Sometime I wish I could dress him up and ride him round the town.
Rudi: I kind of know what you mean.


Vince: Forgot me boots!

Vince: Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Vince: Glamour Nana, like a nana that was a bit saucy in the fifties.

Howard: I went to a graveyard today. Yeah. Got naked, did a shit on a tombstone.

Howard: Killed a swan yesterday. Did a shit on it... Right on it.

Tony Harrison: This is an outrage!

Tony Harrison: I come fully equipped with a papoose. If need to move me around, I slot in the back like a peanut! If you're against the papoose system I also come with a wheel that clips into my chin, like a skate.
Saboo: What are you, a kit? Am I going to have to assemble this Kinder Egg and take him with me?

Tony Harrison: Look, I took a chance, alright? We asked The Moon, I didn't know he was an alabaster retard, did I?

The Moon: One time... I saw a man looking at me. Yes, with his eyes. And then... he picked up a tube... and he looked inside the tube... and he made the moon big... inside the tube. The moon big inside a tube! Hahaha! Telescope...

Saboo: Kirk, is it true you are still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind?
Kirk: Yes.

Vince: Where could she be [Nanatoo]? How do we find an old lady?
Howard: An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."
Vince: You think she's in the forest?

Saboo: The Crunch? How dare you speak to me of the Crunch! You know nothing of the Crunch! You've never even been to the Crunch.
Naboo: I went there once.
Saboo: Oh, a little day trip around the Crunch, we can all go as tourists.

[Saboo and Tony Harrison miss a turning on a magic carpet.]

Tony Harrison: You absolute jerk-off!
Saboo: How dare you, you cleft! You have one job, Tony! One job, and that's to read the map!
Tony Harrison: My navigational skills are second to none! It's just that you put the map too far away from me!
Saboo: I'm sorry, Tony, I'm sorry! I'm just used to working with people with a little bit more than a one foot reach!

[Tony Harrison complains of motion sickness.]

Saboo: If you can't even handle a little carpet, what are you gonna do when we come to the Crunch?
Tony Harrison: [groans.] Oh my word! Are we back to the Crunch?
Saboo: The Crunch. What are you gonna do?
Tony Harrison: Here we fucking go! The Crunch this, the Crunch that - why are you so obsessed with the Crunch?
Saboo: You wanna know about the Crunch?
Tony Harrison: I do, yes.
Saboo: Because you are gonna meet the the Crunch a little bit before me, my friend! [knocks Tony Harrison off the magic carpet.]
Tony Harrison: [falling.] Oh, this is an outrage! Saboo, you slag!

Vince: Have you got the book Howard?
Howard: Here you go, Vince.
Goth Girl: Vince?
Howard: Uhhhhh, I mean Obsidian Raven McBovril...
Vince: Obsidian Blackbird McKnight.
Howard: McKnight.
Vince: Thank you.

Naboo: I've seen your C.V., there's nothing on it! I live my life!
Saboo: Live your life?! You live with a couple of dossbags and an ape!
Bollo: Grrr!
Saboo: What? You are an ape!
Bollo: Uhh... oh yeah.

Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.
Vince: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That's Yakult!
Vince: Oh, yeah...

The Fountain of Youth

Vince: Ow, that hurt, you boombaclart!

Howard: I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.

Howard: What you saying about my legs?!

The Hitcher: I'm a Cockney flower, watch me shower!

The Hitcher: You've liquefied me you slags!

Bollo: You look like a jacket potato.

Bollo: Shut up, walnut face.

Howard: Where did you get those shades from?
Vince: A passing coyote took pity on me.
Howard: Yeah, well he took a piss on me!

Sandstorm: Feel the power of my bullcrust paper palms! NEA! NEA! NEAA!

Sandstorm: Stop the talk, prepare for a chaffing!

Sandstorm: Ahh, hand sheaths! Never before have I felt the soft contours of my face. Never have I lightly caressed the angular frame that is my torso. Oh, this is great! Now I can love myself... Glove love! Glove love!

Sandstorm: [Sanding down a tree] Smooth you down, gonna smooth you down... I am the DIY Demon!... I'll be back to varnish you down later, you little pine tart.

The King: Pssst! I'm so glad you're here, we have precious little time. I need you to perform a task of unimaginable danger, I believe you are the only man who can do it. Do you accept?
Naboo: [Taking his hood off] What are the hours?
The King: It will take the rest of your life and beyond.
Naboo: Alright, I haven't got much on.
The King: Take this, it is a sacred amulet; if that falls into the hands of our enemies, this planet will be doomed. You must take it away and hide it.
Naboo: Who are you, anyway?
The King: It is I... [removes hood] The King!
Naboo: Cool, I'll just nip home and get a couple of bits.
The King: No, we don't have much time, you must go far away to a planet called Earth.
Naboo: How will I get there?
The King: Press the button in the amulet, it will take you there.
Naboo: Cheers, King, I'll never forget you.
The King: And I will never forget you... Banoo.
Naboo: It's Naboo actually.
The King: What? [Naboo disappears and Banoo arrives]
Banoo: I came as quickly as I could, my liege; I have trained for over thirty years for this task. I am the fittest, the strongest, the fastest warrior in all the land. With me the amulet will be safe. I am your humble servant... Banoo.
The King: Shit.

The King: Have you ever thought of investing in a watch?
Banoo: Why, what time is it?
The King: It's four o'clock.
Banoo: Awww shit, I've got to pick up the kids!

Naboo: A place far, far away. The place where I was born.
Bollo: ...Streatham?
Naboo: No, the planet Xooberon, you jerk-off.
Bollo: Xooberon, yeah.

Vince: Howard? Do you think it's going to be alright?
Howard: No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
Vince: We had some good times though, didn't we?
Howard: Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?
Vince: [Laughs] That was brilliant.
Both: Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.
Vince: Chilli chowder!
Both: Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
Vince: Ah, classic times.
Howard: Crazy days.

The Legend of Old Gregg

Vince: It's your basic backcomb structure, slightly root-boosted, framed with a cheeky fringe.

Vince: Are you kidding? Howard was improvising like a motherbitch!

Howard: A little too sexual perhaps, little too sensual. I've heard that before, that my moves can be a bit too ripe for some...

Howard: Who are you, Wesley Snipes?

Fisherman: [Talking about Old Gregg] Some say he used to drum for the Kaiser Chiefs. Actually, not many people say that. In fact, it's just me who says that.

Ramsey: I'll let you in on a little secret, gather round... not you naan bread.

Old Gregg: I got all things thats good. I got this.
Howard: Thats nice.
Old Gregg:You can have it.
Howard: I'm fine, thanks
Old Gregg:I'll keep it here for ya.

Old Gregg: We've got everything we need. We got Baileys, creamy, and, everythin' we need. I'll get ya another Baileys.

Old Gregg: Easy now, fuzzy little man peach.

Old Gregg: Maybe I will deal with it. Maybe I'll deal with it like I dealt with Curly Jefferson! [Camera pans revealing dummy attached to roof with an eye falling out].

Old Gregg: [Referring to his watercolour paintings] ...And I call this one 'Old Gregg', and I call this one 'Old Gregg', and do you know what I call this one? [Howard: 'Old Gregg'?] Yes sir, thank you sir!

Old Gregg: I'm going to hurt you.
Howard: Excuse Me?
Old Gregg:I like you. What do you think of me?
Howard: I don't rightly know, sir.
Old Gregg: Make an assessment!
Howard: I think you're a nice modern gentleman...

Old Gregg: I know what your thinking, here comes Old Gregg, he's a scaly man fish. You don't know me, you don't know what I got.

Old Gregg: You ever drunk Baileys from a shoe?
Howard: What?
Old Gregg: Wanna come to a club where people wee on each other?
Howard: No...

Old Gregg: ['Love Games' song] Do you love me? Are you playin' your love games with me? I just wanna know what to do to, 'cause I need your love a lot, come on now.

Howard: ['Love Games' Song] Moving too fast , this isn't a race , gotta back off and lower the pace , slow it down , and give me some space , moving too fast this isn't race .

Old Gregg: You've made me very happy, Howard. Old Gregg's going to pick out a nice wedding dress, maybe crack open a fresh Baileys. I'm Old Gregg!

Old Gregg: What's this hook doin' in my head?
Howard: That has nothing to do with me, sir.
Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, mother-licker!

Old Gregg: You're like a breadstick, you got no rhythm.

Old Gregg: I got the funk. It's right here, in this box.

Old Gregg: Under closer inspection I realised it was a funky ball of tits from outer space.

Old Gregg: He was slappin' the bass guitar all fast and loose like some kind of delirious funky priest!

Old Gregg: You seen my downstairs mix-up. How's that for a first date?

Old Gregg: [Referring to his watercolour painting] ...and this one's as close as you can get to Baileys without your eyes getting wet.

Old Gregg: You know what that is? That's Old Gregg's vagina! I've got a MANGINA! Im Old Greggggggggggggggg.

Old Gregg: You love me and you've seen me and you know me, I'm Old Gregggg.

Old Gregg: Two weeks later I found the funk in bed with a conger eel!
Conger Eel: Oh, I've been rumbled!

[Talking about Old Gregg]
Lucian: Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
Colin: Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.
Lucian: Some say he's aquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
The Moon: Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, its a big one!

The Nightmare of Milky Joe

Vince sat on a beach with Ruby the coconut, looks across at Howard sat on the beach with a strange coconut
Howard: Oh, alright Vince. Quite a sunset we're having.
Vince: Who's that?!" (pointing at the strange coconut)
Howard: Oh, you haven't met have you, this is Jemimah. Quite a looker isn't she?
Vince That's Milky Joe in a wig
(Ruby whispers in Vince's ear)
Vince: I know, what a loser

Howard(about Milky Joe) The man's an arse!

Vince: Milky, you son of a bitch!

Vince: I invented the mullet!

Howard: Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?
Vince: Kings of Leon CD.
Howard: Great, well that's useless, isn't it?
Vince: It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.
Howard: Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?
Vince: Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]

Vince: I prop you up against the pillow and I go at you.
Howard: That's perverse!

Howard: I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation", perhaps I could play it now?
Vince: Erm, maybe later.
Howard: Yeah, maybe later.
Vince: Maybe not at all.
Howard:.......Yeah, maybe later.

Series 3


Vince: See, they're not really a man's eyes, are they? They're more like a cockerel's eyes, embedded in a man's face...

Howard: The tweed utility patch; scuff proof, weather proof, even bullet proof sir.
The Hitcher: Are you bullet proof, boy?
Howard: ...Don't know.

Howard: If you EVER tell ANYONE about this I will literally come at you like a breeze block of pain.

The Hitcher: Do I look like a reasonable man? Or a peppermint nightmare?

The Hitcher: Did you enjoy that boy? Cockney urine all over your face? That was a bad time for you wasn't it, boy?

Tony Harrison: I've 'ad champagne on me Golden Grahams. I am steaming!

Saboo: Kirk, is it true that you've become a vehicular menace, mowing down all in your path?
Kirk: Yes.

Shamen: We're super magic men, we stay up 'til 5am! Although we're bound by shaman law, what goes on tour stays on tour!

The Hitcher: Do you like eels, boy?
Howard: I like sushi...
The Hitcher: Sushi?! I'm talking about eels, boy! Live eels, wrigglin' about inside ya! Exploring your organs, like internal black wangers!

Eleanor: I want to pound you like yesterday's beef!

Eleanor: Heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Eleanor: I'm a woman in the prime of her life who needs love-squeezins!

Hitcher: (Referring to Vince's toy car) And who in their right mind would want to buy-? Oh, that is quite nice. How much do you want for it?
Vince: 69 Euros?
Hitcher: I'll give you a hundred!
Vince: Cool!
Hitcher: I'm gonna play with that when I get home.

Tony Harrison: I can't drive, I'm shit-faced!

Dennis, the Head Shaman: I do not stoop to pick up men in the urinals.
Saboo: That's not what I've heard.
Shamen: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Journey to the Centre of the Punk

Vince: I'm a punk now alright! And I'm angry!
Howard: Angry? I'm more angry than you.
Vince: Yeah, I know but you turn your anger in on yourself don't you?
Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.
Vince: I've seen you, in the hall when you think no ones looking, giving yourself a chinese burn.
Howard: What are you angry about?
Vince: Government.
Howard: Government? Ooohh.
Vince: And climate change.
Howard: Climate change?
Vince: It's getting hot Howard, haven't you noticed?
Howard: Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?
Vince: That and it's a bit clammy.

Vince: I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!

Howard:Everything has it's place in Stationary village.

Rouge Jazz Cell: You got tuna mayonnaise all over my tentacles.

Jazz cell: Because I'm your FATHER!
Jazz cell: That's right. Daddy's here for you boy. Come to Daddy!
Howard: NOOO...Wait my father's a geography teacher in Leeds.
Jazz cell: Oh...I mean I'm your UNCLE!!!
Jazz cell: Yeah! All those years spent by the window. Bring Uncle back to me.
Howard: NOOOO...Uncle Terry? He works at Stansted.

The Power of the Crimp

Vince: [talking about Lance Dior] All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.
Howard: Is this how you win people over?
Vince: Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin to drive a wedge between us! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!
Howard: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a.. futuristic prostitute.
Vince: [smiles] Thanks Howard
'Bob Fossil:Let me explain.

Harold Boon: [in the squint off with Howard] What do you call these little fellas then? Chinese checkers?
Howard: [Talking about the pencil case story] When I unleash that baby on a crowded room it's like a cruise missile.

Vince, Howard, Naboo And Bollo Together: Aiiiiiiiii! Crimpity crimpity now now! Crimpity crimpity ask me how! Crimpity crimpity humble pie! Crimpity Crimpity Boing, Ding, Bong bong ting Crimpity crimpity Ping pong!

Sugarman Light source Why did you come to me? Put me in a coma Woke up in the future Robot man can you help me find my wayyy! I can't understand the things you sayyy

Tube Mouse, i love you so I took you from the underground and brought you home Put you in my jacket pocket and took you to the meeting Put you in my jacket pocket and took you to the meeting

Put you in my jacket pocket Put you in my jacket pocket Put you in my jacket Put you in my jacket

Jean Claude Jacquette! with his jacket on Jean Claude Jacquette! with his jacket off Jacket on Jacket off Jacket on Jacket off

Oh oh oh I did a twisty Oh oh oh a tiny twisty

Crimpity crimpity now now! Crimpity crimpity ask me how Crimpity crimpity you will pay! Crimpity crimpity out my way Boing, ding, bong bong ting Crimpity crimpity Fuck you!

The Strange Tale of the Crack Fox

Howard: I'm going to Jazzercise. Working out to hot be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane..

Naboo: Remember that time I caught you licking that picture of Terry Nutkins?

Naboo: [Talking about Howard] Here we go again, lies lies from tiny eyes

The Moon: You know that Diet Coke? You can get that with Cherry in it now.

Vince: I'll see you later, yeah.
Crack Fox: [stabs himself] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Vince: What are you doing? You just stabbed yourself in the leg with a biro.
Crack Fox: Unless someone came in and stabbed me when you were looking away.
Vince: I didn't see anyone.
Crack Fox: A poofter.
Vince: You cant speak like that.
Crack Fox: It was a Nazi. It was a Nazi Man...ohh danger. Take out the biro, sir. [Vince removes the biro] Ohhh, you're like King Arthur.
Vince: I've gotta go, actually, cause you're a freak...
Crack Fox: Oh, ok. If you're going then can you do me one last favor?
Vince: What?
Crack Fox: Bludgeon my face in, kill me, pull me apart like soft bread, punch me in the...tits. Destroy me, twist my head clean off, put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man.
Vince: Look, I couldn't do that, all right? These are new boots. They cost me a lot of money. I'll see you around, yeah?
Crack Fox: I'll just slit my own throat and bleed to death here. It's nice to have met you, Mr. Kind Face.

Dennis: We're not here to discuss who can handle the most drugs, are we?
Saboo: I wonder why.
Dennis: And what does that mean Saboo?
Saboo: It means that you take half an E and you wet your little knickers. I've seen you in a field, naked with just a sock and whistle. You thought you were in The Shining.
Dennis: I was on antibiotics for an earlier condition.
Tony Harrison: What about the time you had three espressos? We found you in the corner weeping, trying to peel yourself like a satsuma.
Dennis: I had an itch, I was itching my arm. I changed washing powders and it had flared up.
Saboo: You used a glue gun once for some simple DIY and you thought you saw the black dog.

Tony Harrison: What's he looking at?
Dennis: Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.
Tony Harrison: He's off his tits!

Vince: These are not really galoshes, are they? They're johnnies.
Crack Fox: They're my squishy boots.

Crack Fox: It's for the night times. The fuzzy tingle times.


Kirk: The party's on!
Tony Harrison: Result!
Tony Harrison: I have bought not one, not two, but three crates of poppers! We are having it large!
Dennis:Where is Mrs Harrison in all this?
Tony Harrison: Shes staying with her sister in Bournemouth, I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her i'm going to bed at half nine and carte blanche! I am greenlit the whole way!
Tony Harrison: Feel my multi hexagonal textured alien barbed penis!

Dennis: Take this, you prancing tit!

Howard: I hate parties!
Vince: Who hates parties!?
Howard: I do!

Tony Harrison: I've got it Saboo! An idea is formulating!
Saboo: What?
Tony Harrison: Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk," in its entirety!
Saboo: Are you insane? There's at most... one track I can get away with off maybe... "Rumours."
Tony Harrison: Come on! "Tusk," in its entirety, with the pauses as Lindsay Buckingham intended! Watch the room crumble at the aura of the H-Man!
Saboo: Why not just give me a .44 so I can spray my brains across the decks?
Tony Harrison: What is your beef with the Mac?
Saboo: The same beef every right thinking man has, they are bullshit munchers!
Tony Harrison: Oh, you are so square! When are you gonna start thinking outside of the box?
Saboo: The box is there for a reason! To keep ball men like you inside it!

Howard: Don't worry, I don't fancy you.
Vince: Of course you do! All men fancy me! I'm the confuser! 'Is it a man? Is it a woman? Oh, I'm not sure if I mind!'

The Chokes

Montgomery Flange: Time for a break. Let's have a liquorice rollie, a double brandy, and bitch about the industry. Who the fuck is John Simm?

Bob Fossil: Hey Moon, you look like Zorro on gay night [pause as Howard says nothing] nice comeback?

Montgomery Flange: Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?
Howard Moon: A pencil.
Montgomery Flange: A pencil!? No no no! Look it's niagra falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try! ... Come on!
Howard Moon: I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!
Montgomery Flange: YES! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!

From 2006 Tour

[The quotes taken from The Tour will not be accurate as the lines used varied from show to show.]

Vince: Hey! Brixton, you cheeky bitch!

[Howard mimes eating as the audience applauds.]
Vince: What are you doing?
Howard: Eating the applause.
Vince: Those were my applause. Don't ever go eating another man's applause! Your applause tastes thin like Ryvita.

Howard: Hello, small child there, you might want to cover his ears for parts of the show. We're not doing anything rude, it's just his ears are a bit weird. They're putting me off. [seeing Vince.] Hey, where you from?
Vince: [pointing behind him.] From between those two bits of fabric. Are you insulting the nippers again?

Howard: You can't put me in a box. If you put me in a box, I'll break out of the box. If put a boundary round me, I'll eat the boundary, and wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules. Ow, comin' atcha like a beam, like a ray, like a buzzard! Swooping around, you know what I mean? Pecking at the boundaries. That's how I work.
Vince: [sarcastic.] That sounds electric.

[Describing his adventures between the second and third series.]

Vince: I invented this game. Brixton, check this out, right? I invented a game called "Pelt the Rabbit in His Big White Face". Genius. Yeah, I know, the title alone is pretty cool, but wait til you hear what happens, right? You're in here, right, or wherever - by a windmill, it don't matter, right? And this massive rabbit comes in, and he's got a really massive face. He's a freak, he's like "Ooooh!", and he's quite tall, he's about 6 foot. And he comes running towards you, and you gotta leg it and get away from him, or like pelt him with coins or sunflower seeds or take off your Chelsea boot and just take him out, 'cause if he catches you, he just throws you on the floor... and rapes you.
Howard: ...That not a game, is it, really? It's more like a sequence of events. A sequence of horrific events... culminating in a rape. Where's the game element?
Vince: Its not ordinary rape, it's a rabbit rape. It's a terrific bunny bumming.
Howard: From MB Games?

The Hitcher: [After having 'cut off' Howard and Vince's heads, he mimes sex with their stumps] Any children in, that's S-T-U-M-P FUCKING. Get it right when you tell you friends in the playground tomorrow. Five year olds, if you don't know what that is, feel free to ask your parents! Stump fucking, a concept we couldn't quite get past BBC3! We wanted to be called the Mighty Stump Fuck. "We'll have to put you on a little later," they said. As if that were humanly possible! We'll go on where we always go on, after two pints of fucking lager, and a packet of shit!

Vince: [Singing] Jean-Claude Jaquettie, with his jacket on, Jean-Claude Jaquettie, with his jacket off, Jean-Claude Jaquettie, I put his jacket on, Jean-Claude Jaquettie I put his-
Howard and Vince: Jacket on, jacket off, jacket on, jacket off, oh! Stylish! Oh! Wakaman! Running 'round Paris. With a tiny haversack. Look into the future, with a telescope, drawing on the past with an eagle claw, eagle claw, why? Eagle claw, eagle claw, bababoingboing, take a fashion coin, slot it in the pocket of your bum-bag, take it to Milan, take it to Japan, take it to the man with the fashion plan, Jaqeuttie!

Howard: ...Wind, my only friend!
The Wind: I hate you!
Howard: Shut up wind!

The Hitcher: [As audience boos him] Ahhh, that's right boo it up! Boo it up, ya nonces! Every boo goes to makin' my erection that little bit stronger! [Booing stops, then starts again] Don't boo after the concept, you fucking wierdo.

Rudi: [To a heckler] Shut your mouth, or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks.
Vince: And you will receive him like a satchel of vaginas. Tag team put downs.

Vince: [To a heckler] Are you possessed... by a twat?

Naboo: I think this is it, Bollo... I'm close to the end... I'm fading away...
Bollo: Maybe I will see you... [raises hands] in the next life.
Naboo: No, I'm going to heaven...
Bollo: Animals don't go to heaven?
Naboo: Well yeah, but you killed that boy.
Bollo: Oh yeah... I forgot about that.

Rudi: Some call me Secret Peter... where is he hiding? In a shoe, in a bush, in a rock, inside a cupboard, in a... lane? No, he's inside yourself. Some call me Chilli-Chicken Ramen. Others know me as Clive. I... am sometimes called Peppercorn. By the Dutch. You... you can step in at any time, here.
Vince: Go on, do another one!
Rudi: Some know me as Cillit Bang! [Crowd cheers]

Vince: [As a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! T'was a trick pie!

Vince: [Introducing Howard] Howard Moon; Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...
Howard: [Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!

Vince: "Look at your face - Ambience; Pure ambience. It's like the Orb's third album"
Howard: "You take that back!"

The Hitcher: [seeing Bob Fossil come onstage.] Well, if it isn't the geezer who likes to spit in other peoples faces! [referring to an earlier scene when Rich spat in Vince's face.]

Man in Parka: [after Howard accidentally removes his eye.] Look at me! I'm like swingball!

Man in Parka: [after telling Howard to look into the parka] You will see things you have never even dreamed of!
Howard: Like what?
Man in Parka: ...Omelettes?

Man in Parka: What about unicorns...with AIDs. Have you dreamt of them?
Howard: ...No...
Man in Parka: Ha ha.

Vince: [about Pelt the Rabbit in his Big, White Face] He's got a brother looks exactly like him! He's worse of the two. He's much more vigorous and powerful. You'll never escape from him. If it's his brother, you may as well just sit down. Put up the white flag.
Howard: [to audience] This isn't the show, by the way.

Old Gregg: Finally got my hands into Howard Moon. He says he's got a surprise for me. I don't know what it is. [woman shouts] Yeah, it might be a she-nis. [Howard appears with a wheelbarrow]
Howard: Get into the wheelbarrow, you cheeky vixen.
Old Gregg: [getting into wheelbarrow] Don't mind if I do.
Howard: [to audience] He's got a mangina, I've got a she-nis. Let's make sweet love! [wheels Gregg offstage]

The Hitcher: I'm evil, Brixton! I'm...I'm a...nob!

The Hitcher: [trying to get offstage] I'm a Cockney, I'm a Cockney...oh, I can't get off this way. Fuck. [doubles back and goes off stage]

Piper Twins: [going off] I'm a Cockney, I'm a Cockney.
The Hitcher: We all are, you nonce.

Naboo: [after the soundman gets the Hitcher's theme tune wrong] Is that your theme tune?
The Hitcher: No, it fucking ain't!

The Hitcher: [after the soundman gets his tune wrong] Don't make me come down there, boy, and put a dolphin suit on you!

The Hitcher: Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-holes the same as the next to me!

Rudi: You'll never win you know.
The Hitcher: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Rudi: Because I taught you everything you know.
The Hitcher: You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.
[both try to work out what this means]
Rudi: What does that mean?
The Hitcher: Ah, fuck it. [both continue sword fight]

The Hitcher: [after cock-punching Rudi] When in doubt, ladies and gentlemen, release the middle digit! The Cockney Cock-Punch. He punches one way, he punches the other, he punches diagonal! He's like Connect cock-punching terms.

The Hitcher: Who are you?
Naboo: [turns to look at audience] I'm Naboo, that's who. [audience cheer. Naboo winks at waves at one person before scowling and gesturing twice for another to leave before turning back the the Hitcher] Who are you?
The Hitcher: They call me...the Hitcher! [pulls spooky pose] [light, happy music plays] [starts to dance in a circle]

The Hitcher: Oi! Soundman! What the fuck happened there? I asked for track 12, didn't I? Ominous Chords, in brackets "He's pure evil, he kicked a racoons face off onto Jesus' face." What the fuck was that? The Holiday Show?

Howard: I'm serious, don't touch me. Not when we're onstage, not when we're offstage, not when we're out buying...hammocks.
Vince: We do do that a lot.

Howard: [reading paper] Oh, look. There's a sale on at TopShop. [Vince runs away] [stage goes dark and a red light shines on Howard's face] Haha! There isn't a sale on at TopShop at all! [red lights go off and stage lights come back on] [Vince comes back onstage] There is a sale on at TopShop. There's a sale on at TopShop. [Vince walks back off]

Howard: So, a package, for me. Maybe somebody does love me after all.
Old Gregg: [bursting from box] I'm Old Gregg, motherfuckers!

Rudi: Don't leave me hanging like a tit in the breeze! [After noel forgets his line]

Radio Series

Howard: Where have you been living? In a Chinese pipe?

Howard: I'll be the Stagman - like Batman but with antlers.

Vince: Stocky Jesus. He's like Jesus, but fatter.

Vince: You're making me sick, coming in here, doing your funny little rehearsals, playing your instruments, writing songs - it's not about that, being in a band! It's about what you look like! Don't you understand anything?

Vince: That is a kind of fresh madness.

Vince: I'm like Mowgli in flares.

Vince: I'm not allowed any keys at all.

Vince: Hey, Howard. Howard? Howard. Howard. (pause) You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?

Vince: Mauled by Swans, you say?

Vince: Saturn Juice - juice made from the many rings of Saturn.

Vince: He's dead. It was a terrible thing, he tripped over some cobwebs.

Vince: What is this - Vince Noir's moonlight café?

Vince: Have you heard of heroin chic, you stocky hammerhead?

Vince: I've left you a selection of fruits.

Vince: (singing) Shoot ya face off! Shoot it right off...

Vince: Ooh, I've been dealt a terrific mauling! There these big, massive monkeys poking me in the eyes, and the little ones, all gettin' me belly button.

Bob Fossil: How many times do I have to tell you, reading leads to pure, liquid evil - it makes you smoke things!

Bob Fossil: I'm wearing two eye-patches myself, I can't see crap! We're flying into the heart of darkness!

Bob Fossil: Your logic makes me feel like a dick!

Bob Fossil: Come on chimpy, put this bra on, your tits are flappin around all over the place.

Bob Fossil: Argh! It's mother F!

Bob Fossil: Welcome to Fossil's Funworld, where fun plus world equals... world fun.

Bob Fossil: Now some of the animals may be naked...

Bob Fossil: I'll be all over you like a nun sandwich if you do that.

Bob Fossil: Fossil's Funworld, we love you! Bob Fossil, king of the zoo.

Bob Fossil: Fossil's Funworld, where fun is all around you like stink on poop!

Bob Fossil: I've got loads of mental problems, you know that Moon?

Bob Fossil: If I want your opinion on anything... I'll run over myself with a truck!

Bob Fossil: You ever felt a bullet-proof vest against your naked skin? It's better than beautiful. It's... beauteous.

Bob Fossil: Well, as you know, Tony the prawn is a psychological killer.

Bob Fossil: Come on. Park your tight little ass-cheeks on my knee-caps.

The Hitcher: Ooh, I know a thing or two about performin', my boy! I know a thing or two about performin', I can tell ya. Ooh, long time ago now, I was in a beautiful love story, all set on the stage, and I was all dressed up as a dazzlin' young lady. And I worked extensively with a Japanese gentleman, who used to bind his head up in a cloth, but with body language alone he could still reduce the audience to weepin'. Ooh, a remarkable actor! A remarkable love story, about a man dressed up as a lady and another geezer with all fabric on his head. Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo, how the audience would laugh and whee-hee-hee-hee, how the audience would cry, and whey-hey-hey-hey, how the audience would think, I seen something there! I seen something good there, but I came here last week and it was shit last week, oh, it was useless last week! Just an old lady with big fleshy, purelent, swollen arms smacking a woodpecker across the stage with an oar! What the hell was that about? But this week, the geezer with the cloth on his head? Ooh, he was remarkable! That was a tour de force, that show! Ooh, we got thirteen encores every night! And on the last encore I'd drag him out center stage, and I'd tear off that cloth to reveal the hideous deformed face of an otter! Ooh, his head was revolting! It was like broken butcher's meat, it was like a nik-nak left out in the rain. It made me want to be sick on my own penis. But I loved that boy! I loved that boy, don't get me wrong! I loved what he could do with his acting style even when he camouflaged his own features! Ooh, why did I have to cut him off in his prime? Why did I have to leave him alone in that black ditch? It don't matter though... It's all by the by 'cause I got my box... I got my box now...

Tommy with Howard: Lets go. Follow me quick, this way. Now stop, Sleep, Wake up there’s no time, comb your hair. Let us whistle, Stop the time for whistling has now passed, let us continue, follow me. Come let us go through the lake 'But I cant swim' Leap on to my huge head, come follow me. Touch, I don’t like that. Climb up this bank now 'Oh no I’ve forgotten Vince' Don’t worry ill go back and get him, wait here. Solve this puzzle whilst I’m gone, here’s pen and paper for you. Have you solved the puzzle? Four across was Emu, anyway there’s no time, come into this bush. Climb aboard these mules, they are lame, Shoot them and sell them. Get a good price. That was a good price! Its pretty much straight on for about 2 miles now. This is my humble dwelling, we will be safe here. 'That was quite the journey, Have we lost them do you think' Who? 'The people chasing us' There was no one chasing us, distance is its own reward.


Vince: He'll ring you out, like a flannel.

Vince: Who do you think you are? Captain Corelli and his giant cola cube?

Vince: I want to enter my male love muscle into your mystery cave, come here!

Vince: You know what they call you? [deep voice] "The Buffalo Man".

Vince: Cyborg patrick tell me what you dream of, clockwork Margaret skating on my mouse mat, in your tiny circuit boots, shoes of the future. [Howard] Trousers of the past!

Howard: I'll be on you like a powerful moss.

Howard: Who are you, T-Bone Wilson?

Howard: Who are you, Mickey Stirrups?

Howard: I'm Monsoon Moon, I'm raining down the pain.

Howard: I'm his sugar bitch with the sour flavour.

Howard: I'm a poet, cyclist, I organise raffles... I do many things - I span the genres; they call me the genre spanner.

Howard: Where have you been living? In a cockerel's boot?

Howard: I am feeling loose and jazzy fresh today

Howard: [Talking about the pencil case story] When I unleash that baby on a crowded room it's like a cruise missile

Bob Fossil: [After dancing to Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc] ...And that's why I don't like cricket!

Bob Fossil: [Describing an elephant] You know, grey leg face man, he's got legs, and then another leg on his face.

Bob Fossil: Welcome to the Zooniverse, where all your dreams come true...niverse.

Bob Fossil: How 'bout a nipple cake sandwich?

Bob Fossil: Moon, sometimes I look at you and wonder why you are a human and living.


  • Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh!
  • The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw!
  • The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a shark with knees!
  • The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a wet flannel!
  • The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a typhoon with the flu!
  • Boosh! Boosh! Stronger than a moose! Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop!
  • The Boosh is loose; see it or throw your eyes in the bin!


External links

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