The Nanny

From Quotes
Life is at its best when it's shaken and stirred.
F. Paul Facult
Jump to: navigation, search

The Nanny (19931999) was a popular situational comedy starring actress Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the pantyhose-clad nanny of three children from the New York Upper Class.

Created and executive produced by Drescher and her then-husband Peter Marc Jacobson, The Nanny took much of its inspiration from Drescher's personal life, involving names and characteristics based on near relatives and friends.[1] The show earned a Rose d'Or and one Emmy Award, out of a total of 13 nominations, and moreover garnered Drescher two Golden Globe nominations.


Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

[Mentioned twice in the episode]
Fran: You can't fire me! I quit! [Slams door and immediately returns] No! You fired me. That way, I can collect on unemployment.

[Their first meeting]
Fran: I know you! Esquire Magazine, New York's 10 Most Eligible Widowers. My condolences, by the way.
Mr. Sheffield: You read Esquire?
Fran: When they list the 10 Most Eligible Widowers, I do.

Brighton: I hate her!
Mr. Sheffield: Now, Brighton, let's not be hasty.
Fran: Yeah, I haven't even sung "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" yet.

Mr. Sheffield: Ah, Miss Fine, you seem to have listed the Queen Mother as a reference.
Fran: Lemme see...oh, no, that's not the Queen Mother. That's my mother from Queens!

Fran: Oh, please! I come from Flushing. There is nothing these kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before. Except maybe their trust funds.

Niles: [Passing the phone to Mr. Sheffield] It's Ms. Babcock for you, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Thank you, Niles. I'll take her in the library.
Niles: Ms. Babcock loves to be taken in the library.

Fran: [Helping her pick a dress] So what's your favorite color?
Maggie: Uh...I don't know. Beige?

C.C.: Doesn't Ivana look marvellous? My surgeon, of course.

Grace: Do you like my party dress, Daddy? Loehmann's, 70% off.
Fran: She'll never shop retail again.

Mr. Sheffield: I overreacted, didn't I?
Niles: Like Reagan in Grenada.

[To the mob surrounding Mr. Sheffield's limo when he comes to visit Fran's apartment]
Fran: Get away from that limo! Nobody died! There's no vacancies!

[Her last line on the episode]
Fran: Ma, pack my things! He wants me back!

Smoke Gets In Your Lies [1.2]

Maggie: Dad's too busy to spend any time with us.
Grace: [afraid] Maybe Daddy's seeing other children.
Fran: Let's not be paranoid.
Grace: I'm not paranoid. [shifting her eyes about] Who said I was?

Mr. Sheffield: Why do I feel a but coming along?
Fran: No buts. However...

Fran: The man has to make a living, don't he? How else can we afford the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed?

Brighton: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
Fran: It saves time.

Fran: [Complaining about Brighton] On the other hand, if I told him to jump off the Empire State Building- Hello! That was my mother's voice that just crossed the Queensborough Bridge and flew out my mouth.
Niles: But with such dulcet tones.
Fran: Oh, boy, this is so typical of kids. You try and you try and what do you get? A slap in the face- Oy! My mother again! Niles, call an exorcist!

Niles: You're up early.
Fran: I couldn't sleep.
Niles: Mm-hmm...
Fran: I had indigestion! It has nothing to do with a guilty conscience if that's what you're implying.
Niles: Crepes?
Fran: Back off, Niles! I said I would punish the kid! What more do you want?
Niles: Dare I suggest syrup?
Fran: [Exasperated] What's with the third degree?

Fran: [After an argument with Mr. Sheffield] Can you believe he just sent me to my room? He is so adorable sometimes.

Fran: Well, he said he was bad and so I told him about a kid that was worse. Who'd knew he take it as a challenge?
Mr. Sheffield: That's my boy. Always striving to reach new depths.
Fran: I'm the worst nanny in the world... All right, Rebecca De Mornay then me.

Fran: Now we have to figure out a way to scare him bad enough that he never smokes again.
Mr. Sheffield: I sent him to his room.
Fran: Oh, please! With a wide-screen TV and a fully stocked mini-fridge? Punish me!
Mr. Sheffield: So what do you suggest?
Fran: Something much more cruel and unusual. We're going to have to consult the high priestess of punishment. [Dials a number] Hello, ma!

My Fair Nanny [1.3]

Maggie: Who does C.C. think she is, butting into my social life?
Fran: What social life?
Maggie: I just went to the movies with Denise.
Fran: Honey, she's the cleaning lady.

Maggie: You make it sound like a war.
Fran: It's worse. War is just hell. This is high school.

C.C.: These women are vicious, backstabbing, judgmental harpies. I know. They're my closest friends.

Fran: When I was 14, I remember my mother coming to pick me up after school in a halter top and pedal pushers. I'm still looking for the right support group.

Mr. Sheffield: That's because we're British.
Niles: Yes. We can say anything we like and people think it's Shakespeare.
Mr. Sheffield: All right, repeat after me: "Mark went on a lark after dark in Central Park".
Fran: Gee, I hope he has a gun.

[Trying to correct her walk]
Mr. Sheffield: It's your hips, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.
Mr. Sheffield: It's the way they move from side to side.
Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.

Niles: All right, we've finished our meal. What do we do now?
Fran: Well, if you're at my mother's house, you open your pants and flop on the couch.

Maggie: I can't believe you dressed up like a geek and ruined my party. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Fran: Aw, don't mention it... ever again.

Mrs. Wentworth: Actually, my people came on the Mayflower.
Fran: Oh, of course! The collar, the buckle. I didn't put it together without the hat.
Mrs. Wentworth: We landed on Plymouth Rock. My family can be traced back for 500 years.
Fran: We landed on Ellis Island. They changed our name and now we don't know who the hell we were.

Fortune Teller: [To C.C.] I tell you for the hundredth time! I see no tall, dark, handsome, nothing in your future!

The Nuchslep [1.4]

Fran: Niles, are you okay?
Niles: I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
Fran: Don't ask, don't tell. But for God's sake, come out of the closet.
Niles: Ill, Ms. Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Fran: Oh, you British. You look like us, you act like us but bottomline: you're foreigners.

Fran: I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures. We order Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.

Fran: So maybe I push but somebody has to. Haven't you ever seen the little baby birds looking out over the edge of their nest? It's the mama bird that has to push them into the world so that they learn how to fly.
Mr. Sheffield: Haven't you ever seen those little baby birds dead on the sidewalk?

Here Comes The Brood [1.5]

[After hearing Fran call Mr. Sheffield from downstairs]
C.C.: Ms. Fine, please. They've already freed Willy.

Fran: Good luck on your math test. What's 6 times 12?
Brighton: 72!
Fran: Eh.... yeah, that sounds right.

Grace: I don't want to go to the zoo. I've had nightmares about fangs and claws and snarling.
Maggie: Gracie, they keep the animals in cages.
Brighton: She's talking about C.C.

Fran: Banana Republic?
C.C.: Abercrombie and Fitch, dear.
Fran: All right. So you paid double.

Fran: I don't know about these straps, ma. You look like a ham.
Sylvia: The salesgirl said I look like a dream.
Fran: Maybe Oscar Mayer's.

Grace: I ran away. I took a limo.
Fran: I ran away. I took a banana.

[On the phone]
Fran: Hiya, Niles.
Niles: Hello, Ms. Fine.
Fran: How'd ya know it was me?
Niles: Just a shot in the dark.

Sylvia: I have to bring Morty a plate. No skin, no butter, no sauce.
Fran: Ma, Gandhi ate better than that.

Sylvia: Looking for something?
Fran: Yeah.
Sylvia: If she's 3 foot 2 and not a Jew, she's in the powder room crying her eyes out.

[About Sylvia's eating habit]
Fran: Oy, one day with my mother and you're ready for Jenny Craig.

The Butler, The Husband, The Wife And Her Mother [1.6]

Fran: You're not going to the museum in those boots, are you?
Mr. Sheffield: My willies? Yes, there's a chance of rain.
Fran: There's a chance I'll fall off the chair but you don't see me wearing a seat belt.
Mr. Sheffield: Your point?
Fran: What happened? You're normally so GQ. Now suddenly you're the Gorton's Fisherman?

Mr. Sheffield: You should be very proud of your brother. He worked very hard on his campaign.
Maggie: You wrote his speeches, came up with his campaign platform and organized a school bus tour.
Brighton: He's my Hillary!

Fran: [About her uncle] Jack was always trying to one-up my mother. We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado. We moved to Flushing, he moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win. Oh yeah, once, she grew a moustache before him.

Fran: Forget it, ma. I'm not doing this.
Sylvia: Fine. It's your choice. It's good to have choices... Not that I had a choice when I was in labor with you for ten hours with that big head!
Fran: [Sardonically] Sorry. It won't happen again.

Marsha: So where are your kids? I wanna meet your kids. Or should I say, his kids? Because, you know, they're not the fruit of your womb.
Fran: That's why this womb can still wear a bikini.

Butler Inspector #1: I take it, sir, you are the master of the house.
Niles: [Acting as Maxwell] Apparently.

Fran: By the way, Niles, what is your family name?
Niles: It's just Niles, like Cher.

Fran: What we need here is compromise.
Mr. Sheffield: Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity.
Fran: That's democracy in action.

Mr. Sheffield: [Acting as Niles] I'm sorry for the momentary lapse. The bomb scare must have rattled my nerves.
Fran: Yeah, he's been a wreck ever since all that unpleasantness in the Faulklands.
Butler Inspector #2: Ah, you saw action too. What ship were you on?
Mr. Sheffield: The other one.

Marsha: You should see my [daughter] Libby. [Takes a photo out of her purse] Here she is at the Equestrian Centre.
Fran: Oh, beautiful smile.
Marsha: That's Lightning. That's Libby.
Fran: Oh, look, she's got your nose. The old one.

Imaginary Friend [1.7]

Fran: [About one patient to another at the therapist's office] Alligator handbag, 2000 bucks. We should all have her problems.

Fran: Question: When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment? At all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

C.C.: She happens to be one of the finest therapists in New York. You can't even get in to see her unless one of her patients commits suicide.

Grace: How come they call them Toll House Cookies?
Fran: Because you eat now and pay later.

Fran: I remember when Goldie died, may she rest in peace.
Mr. Sheffield: Your grandmother?
Fran: My goldfish.
Mr. Sheffield: Goldie the goldfish. Clever. You should write.
Fran: I loved her so. And then there she was one day belly-up in her bowl, her little body just covered in ick. We gave her a 21 flush salute.
Mr. Sheffield: Lovely tribute.
Fran: No. She just wouldn't go down.

[About burying the imaginary friend in Fran's new boots box]
Niles: Lorden Taylor giveth and Lorden Taylor taketh away.

Fran: Niles told me all about your family. It's just crawling with meshuggeners.
Mr. Sheffield: Translation?
Fran: Nuts? Kooks? Whackos?
Mr. Sheffield: My family's dementia is a vicious rumour. Just 'cause my great aunt Hermione lived in a gazebo with a giant hoot owl.
Fran: There's the queen of normal.

Dr. Voort: What's the real reason you don't need Imogene anymore?
Grace: 'Cause now I have Fran.
Fran: Aw... I'm speechless.
Mr. Sheffield: It's a miracle.
Dr. Voort: No, it's really a common psychological occurence.
Mr. Sheffield: No, the miracle is her being speechless.

Christmas Episode [1.8]

Fran: One year, we begged our mother for a Christmas tree. She called it a Hanukkah bush. P.S. The candles from the menorah set the flocking on fire and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.
Mr. Sheffield: Variation on the burning bush classic.

Fran: He's moving Christmas? You can do that?
Brighton: Well, they do it for Washington's birthday.
Fran: I never got that either. I mean, you go to all that trouble fathering a nation and before you know it, you're sharing the third Monday in February with Lincoln and a white sale.

Fran: Trust me. Whatever you pick out, they will love and cherish forever. Just make sure it's returnable.

Fran: Look, Gracie! Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.
Grace: I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
Fran: The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live.

Niles: [About Fran's vase] Well, it is a perfect piece to start one's personal art collection.
Fran: Thanks. It should look great next to my Limbo Trophy from Club Med.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, did you remember my attache?
Niles: Yes, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: And my carry-on?
Niles: Always, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, seems we have everything.
C.C.: [Enters] Maxwell?
Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.

[At church]
Fran: Did I miss anything?
Niles: [Passing her a bible] Here. This ought to bring you up to date.

Fran: Forgive me, Father, for I have shopped.
Priest: I don't know the penance for that. I suppose you could say ten "Hail Macy's".

Fran: That's a weird song. Five golden rings, I can understand. Ten lords a-leaping, I am there. But what's with all the birds? I mean, french hens, turtle doves, six geese a-laying. Who wants to see that?

Personal Business [1.9]

C.C.: Synthetic fur. How P.C. of you.
Fran: P.C.?
C.C.: As in politically correct.
Fran: Oh, well, it's actually J.C. as in Penney.

[About the acting of soap opera star, Brock Storm]
Fran: He is truly sensitive. When he cries, snot comes out of his nose.

Brock Storm: Darling, je vous c'est beaucoup.
Fran: Frere Jacques, dormes-vouz.

Mr. Sheffield: It's unconscionable! It's morally bankrupt!
C.C.: It's showbiz.

Maggie: [About soaps] I can't believe how cute all the men are.
Grace: Cute, but so dysfunctional.

Brock Storm: Darling, you look spectacular. Which makes me look even better.

Fran: I hope I didn't screw up your play.
Mr. Sheffield: Frankly, after the way Brock treated you this evening, I'm not sure I'd care to work with him anyway.
Fran: Oh, too bad too, 'cause now he could really hit those high notes.

Niles: They replaced Brock Storm. I wonder what happened?
Fran: [Playing Scrabble] How do you spell eunuch?

The Nanny-In-Law [1.10]

Clara: Button up, [Maggie] dear. If Victoria can keep her secrets, so can you.

Clara: Ms. Fine, is it? Which agency exactly was it that arranged for your position here?
Fran: Oh, I didn't come through an agency. Mr. Sheffield hired me right off the street.
Mr. Sheffield: It's not like it sounds. I tried her out for the weekend first.

Fran: I couldn't make it through one night of sleepaway camp. I mean, what kind of a sadist puts a bunch of kids in a tent after feeding them franks and beans? The bears didn't know what hit 'em.

C.C.: My mother will not listen to reason. She's taking a trip to the Orient and everytime she travels alone, she picks up some gigolo who spends all of her money.
Mr. Sheffield: I can see why you're concerned.
C.C.: Darn right! It's my inheritance.

Fran: Meanwhile, [Clara]'s scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear that can't even get through the doorway everytime he has a decent meal.
Mr. Sheffield: Are you talking about Winnie the Pooh?
Fran: Yeah, him.

Fran: Well, if it isn't the Von Sap Family.

Nanny #2: Francine, don't forget the cardinal rule.
Nanny #3: Never come between a man and his nanny.

Fran: Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a PEZ dispenser.

Fran: Does that mean my job is not in jeopardy?
Mr. Sheffield: No more than usual.

Mr. Sheffield: Do you really think [Clara]'s that bad?
Fran: Did you see "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"? She was the technical advisor.

A Plot For Nanny [1.11]

Mr. Sheffield: Here you are, as promised. Two front row seats to Les Miserables. Happy birthday.
Fran: I'm 30 and I'm dating my mother. And they think they're Miserables.

Maggie: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Brighton: Maggie has found religion!

Sylvia: [Looking at a coffin] Oh, what a lovely model. But why do they have a satin lining? Satin doesn't breathe.
Fran: And neither will you.

Steve: Your husband made some other arrangements?
Sylvia: She doesn't have a husband.
Steve: I'm sorry. Did he pass on?
Fran: First, he should only pass by.

Mr. Sheffield: [Discussing Fran's date as he opens the door] After all, he is an undertaker. I can't see anything between them.
Niles: [Viewing them in each other's arms] I can't see anything between them either.

Brighton: You've got to get this guy out of your system! I have mid-terms coming up!
Fran: I have middle age coming up! I win!

C.C.: Where's Maxwell?
Niles: He's gone upstairs to discuss with Ms. Fine the possibility of having sex in her room.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what I am trying to say is if you are intent on having a fling then there are certain rules regarding proper places for a fling to be flung.
Fran: Mm-hmm. So I take it the previous nannies never, er... flang?
Mr. Sheffield: No, they were not flingers.

[About Steve going back to college]
Fran: Oh, a professional man! Doctor?
Steve: No.
Fran: Lawyer?
Steve: No.
Fran: Indian chief?
Steve: I'll give you a hint. [Dons a red rubber nose]
Fran: You're studying to be Carl Molden?

Mr. Sheffield: Hello, ladies. Ice-cream? Cake? Man trouble?

The Show Must Go On [1.12]

Mr. Sheffield: It is just a P.T.A. Meeting.
Fran: Meanwhile, some of those Ps and Ts could be lonely hes.
Niles: You've certainly got the A for it.

Mr. Sheffield: This is Ms. Emma Trusdale, Lexington's Headmistress.
Fran: Oh, Head Mistress, huh? [Aside] Honey, you're living in a dream world. No matter what they say, they never leave their wives.

Fran: [Arranging the children] Okay, everybody, I want my dancing daisies over here, my singing mushrooms over there. [Sees a boy try to join the daisies] Whoa, whoa, you. You're not a flower, you're a fungus.

Mr. Sheffield: The lamb follows you everywhere you go. You're very attached to it.
Grace: I don't get it.
Fran: He's co-dependent.
Grace: Oh...

Mr. Sheffield: Where are all the great child actors when you need them?
Fran: Robbing 7-11s.

Fran: Besides, I wasn't replaced. I was promoted to producer.
Niles: Sucker.

Fran: Honey, she doesn't care if everyone loves her. All she cares is if you love her.

[About Grace as a performer]
Mr. Sheffield: My God, she has got something, hasn't she?
Fran: Yeah. Guts.

Maggie The Model [1.13]

Fran: You're taking the kids out to dinner? Where are we going? I'm going to need at least an hour.
Mr. Sheffield: Actually, we're eating in.
Fran: Oh! In that case, I'm gorgeous.

Chloe: I'll never forget those three glorious weeks we spent in Cornwall.
Mr. Sheffield: We were never in Cornwall.
Chloe: Devon?
Mr. Sheffield: No.
Chloe: The cozy little room with the fireplace and the four-poster bed?
Mr. Sheffield:: Nope. Not me.
Chloe: Well, I had a good time.

Chloe: Maxwell, what a loquacious nanny you have.
Fran: Oh, thank you. I try to get to the gym at least once a week.

Fran: I have so much wisdom to impart. Like how to purse your lips to get that little pouty look. How to smell cauliflower for that who-cares-about-you look. And then the best look of all. [Puts her palms to the cheeks and smiles widely in surprise]
Maggie: What's that for?
Fran: That's for when they give you the cheque for the other two looks.

Fran: Who does that Chloe think she is? The nerve of that woman, trespassing on my field of expertise.
Niles: And what exactly would that be?
Fran: Glamour.

C.C.: Look what the years have done to that Chloe.
Fran: Absolutely nothing.
C.C. & Fran: I hate her!

Fran: Aw, thanks, Peppy.
Pepe: No, it's Pe-PAY, okay?
Fran: Let me guess. Arnold, right?
Pepe: No, Bernie.

Maggie: Fran, do you know yoga?
Fran: The bear?

Fran: Shouldn't we wait and see how the pictures turn out first before we plan big trips to Milan and everything?
Maggie: Well, Chloe says that I'm-
Fran: Yeah, I know what Chloe says but can't we just cross that bitch when we get to it?

Family Plumbing [1.14]

Fran: If you need a plumber, I've got a second cousin-
Mr. Sheffield: I'd rather wait for rain.
Fran: Are you still holding a grudge because of my Uncle Laren the electrician?
Mr. Sheffield: Why should I? My eyebrows have almost grown back.
Fran: Hey, a lot of women would pay good money for that effect.

Maggie: Daddy, why can't I go? It's just a party. Give me one good reason.
Mr. Sheffield: I'll give you sixteen. Eight boys and their grubby little hands.

[Looking at a photo for showgirl auditions]
Mr. Sheffield: How does she keep from falling forward?
Fran: And even if she did, she'd bounce right back.

Niles: No, you may not look through the keyhole when your father is auditioning showgirls.
Brighton: Why not?
Niles: That's where I'll be.

Showgirl: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Brighton: A halter top.
Grace: Look, Fran, giant Barbie dolls. Will you play with me?
Fran: No, honey. These toys are for boys.

Fran: I'm gonna be canned for sure.
Niles: Ms. Fine, you spend so much time up this creek, I should think by now you'd have bought a paddle.

Niles: You know, when I first started, I walked in on the Queen Mum.
Fran: In the shower?
Niles: On the throne.

Mr. Sheffield: [Making payment] Do I get some guarantee with that?
Irving: Yeah, I guarantee I'll be back.

Fran: Maggie has to learn to handle 14-year-old boys so that when she grows up, she can know how to handle full grown men who, when you think about it, are a lot like 14-year-old boys.

Deep Throat [1.15]

Fran: Mmm...Lysol, my mother's fragrance.

[Unpacking her outfits during her hospital stay]
Maggie: Fran, you know you'll only be here overnight.
Fran: Listen, this is the closest I'll ever get to a large group of doctors. I promised my mother I'd look my best.

Nurse Smith: I'm Nurse Smith. Get in bed.
Niles: I'm not the patient.
Nurse Smith: I know.

[About Fran's tonsil removal]
Brighton: Remember, Fran, afterwards, you can have all the ice-cream you want.
Fran: Swell. If I live, I'll be hippy.

Fran: Ms. Babcock, you look gorgeous! Much too young to be going to a reunion.
Niles: Of redwoods, maybe.

C.C.: Where are those parents you keep babbling about?
Fran: They happen to be on their annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Niles: Jerusalem?
Fran: Miami.

Nurse Smith: [Apply anesthetic] Now just relax and count backwards from 100.
Fran: 100...99.....98.......97 bottles of beer on the wall~

Fran: Shister Meffield, I love you.

C.C.: [About Maxwell] He adores me. Worships the ground I walk on.
Friend #1: So I guess this evening he'll be worshipping from afar?

Schlepped Away [1.16]

Fran: You guys will have such a great time and you'll come back with a whole new lease on life. 'Course I'll still be here saddled with the old lease...
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine.
Fran: ...shovelling snow in the walkway...
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine.
Fran: ...probably fall, break my hip. Oh, you'll pick me up on the way back.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine!
Fran: Wha?
Mr. Sheffield: If I'm travelling with the children, naturally I expect the nanny to be travelling with us.
Fran: Oh, how kind of you to think of me. But how about you, Niles? Don't you want peace and quiet?
Niles: Desperately. How soon can you leave?

Fran: Wait 'til you see the adorable bathing suit I bought for the honeymoon-I mean the vacation.
Mr. Sheffield: Grace will look very cute in that.
Fran: What Grace? This is for me. If we're going to Gilligan's Island, I want to be Ginger.

Sylvia: It's the worst blizzard in 30 years.
Fran: Oh God! Did Kathie Lee come into the studio?
Sylvia: No.
Fran: It's bad.

Sylvia: The Caribbean, feh! You never know when there's a revolution, a coup.

Fran: Hi, Kenny. What's up? How's your parents? Whaddya need?
Kenny: Not much. They're fine. Fabric softener.

[About Kenny]
C.C.: For all we know, he could be a member of a gang.
Fran: What gang? The 'Oys In The Hood?

Niles: If you're looking for the hot water bottle, that's not it.

Stop The Wedding, I Want To Get Off [1.17]

Mr. Sheffield: Jocelyn's coming for a visit. She's bringing a man.
Fran: Oh, what a great hostess gift. I hope she knows my size.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, didn't you have a nickname for your sister?
Fran: Yeah. Moron.

Jocelyn: I'd like you all to meet Nigel Waters, the Duke of Salisbury.
Fran: Oh, I love your steaks!

Jocelyn: Maxwell, you described [Fran]'s laugh all wrong in your letter. It's nothing like the Q.E. 2 adrift in a fog.

Fran: Brighton, don't be greedy. God will punish you.
C.C.: [Enters] Good evening, everyone.
Fran: See?

Fran: Meanwhile, Niles, this is one recipe that you can pull from your repertoire.
Niles: As it happens, steak and kidney pie is also Lady Di's favorite.
Fran: And they wonder why she's always throwing up.

Fran: Honey, you're marrying a Duke. If it were me, I would be throwing leaflets out of the Goodyear Blimp and my mom would be flying it.

Fran: [After seeing Jocelyn and her chaffeur together] Now I know the song: "Baby, You Can Drive My Car".

Sunday In The Park With Fran [1.18]

Fran: Well, it sure beats hanging out at the fire escape with a can of franks and beans.
Grace: You had your picnics on the fire escape?
Fran: Hey, with that menu, we were better off outside.

C.C.: Your little Frank is in the same class as my Gracie.
Grace: I'm not hers.... am I?
Fran: No, angel, you don't shed your skin.

Fran: [About C.C.] Can that woman suck up.
Niles: If she came with attachments, we could throw out the Hoover.

Fran: Too bad we didn't have this conversation in the garden. The plants would have loved the fertilizer.

Frank Jr.: I'm bored. Give me some food to feed the squirrels.
Fran: You don't need food. Just lie down and make-believe you're dead.

Mother: Maybe I should get a nanny.
Fran: You really should, with one baby and another on the way.
Mother: And two more at home.
Fran: Honey, you don't need a nanny. You need a hobby.

Mr. Sheffield: How was the park?
Fran: Oh, you know, birds, trees, muggers, the usual.

Niles: Baguettes don't hurt people. People hurt people.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, don't you have something you want to say to Mr. Bradley and his son?
Fran: Yeah, but then I'd have something else to apologize for.

Fran: The man is in high demand. This [refrigerator] is a very sensitive piece of equipment. Who you gonna call?
Repairman: [starring Dan Aykroyd] Frostbusters.

The Gym Teacher [1.19]

Val: That sales clerk was SO rude!
Fran: I know! You ask to try on 20 pairs of shoes and right away they get an attitude.

Fran: Maggie, what are you doing home so early? Are you sick?
Val: I better not catch anything. I've got unemployment tomorrow.

Fran: Women don't get their period every week. If they did, all the men in the world would be institutionalized.

[Coming up with an excuse to get Maggie out of gym class]
Grace: How about severe depression brought on by feelings of inadequacy and fear of death?
Fran: Gracie, where do you come up with these things?
Grace: Usually during hopscotch.

Fran: Niles, would this happen to be your not-so-subtle way of saying you disapprove of me?
Niles: Not at all. I delight in each and every antic. Just think of me as one of those people who slows down on the highway to view the wreck and then goes on his merry way.

Fran: [To her butch-like sadistic gym teacher] Meanwhile, you look fabulous. Why'd you change your name?
Mrs. Stone: I got married.
Fran: To a man?!!

Fran: Oh, Alan Beck, I just love you.
Alan Beck: We have a lot in common.

Niles: A woman with an electrical appliance 'round her neck and her feet in water should remember who her friends are.

Mr. Sheffield: I wonder if Flo Ziegfeld had all these problems.
Fran: I think his problem started when they named him Flo.

[After Fran helps Mrs. Stone dislodge a whistle from her throat]
Mrs. Stone: You saved my life....[Realizes what that means] You saved my life?!!
Fran: Well, I might not have passed gym but lucky for you, I pass the Heimlich poster every Sunday at Fung Lung's Chinese restaurant.

Ode To Barbra Joan [1.20]

Fran: [Holding up a large one] Brighton, this is the athletic supporter you picked out? Who'd you buy it for, Mister Ed?
Mr. Sheffield: He's a Sheffield. He'll grow into it.

Fran: It's like my mother always says-
Niles: "You can freeze anything"?
Fran: No.
Mr. Sheffield: "Why buy Sweet'N Low when restaurants are giving it away"?
Fran: No.
Mr. Sheffield: "Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line"?
Fran: No. My mother always said: "Blood is thicker than water and you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers".

Niles: Put your fingerprints on one more crab puff and you'll find mine on your neck.
Fran: Boy, you're in a grumpy mood. What's the matter? Your corns acting up again?
Niles: They're excruciating inflamed throbbing pustules begging to burst.
Fran: Way to make them whine.

Stewart Babcock: I suppose I have to show my face as this Streisand thing.
Fran: [drops her cutlery] Barbra Joan Streisand, born April 24th, 1942, to Manny and Diana Streisand of 4/57th Schenectady Avenue, Brooklyn?!!
Stewart: I take it you're a fan?
Fran: Oh! Well, if you call turning your bedroom into a shrine, seeing all of her movies 25 times, paying $200 for a piece of chewing gum from the bottom of Barbra's shoe...
Mr. Sheffield: Is that what the framed thing in your room is?
Fran: Oh no, that's a sourball that Elliot Gould spit out, but he was married to her at the time.
Mr. Sheffield: I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
Stewart: I'm part of the consortium that's backing Streisand's tour.
Fran: OH! You must be plotzin'!!
C.C.: Nanny Fine, we are Babcocks. We don't plotz. I'm with you, Daddy. I find her singing irritating.
Fran: *GASP!* An entire acre of Death Shalom cemetery just rolled over.
C.C.: 'Cause her voice is so nasal!
Fran: That's part of her charm.
Stewart: I didn't know that you disliked her, C.C.. Fran, would you like to go?
Fran: [Faints]

Fran: Oh, Stewart, you are like a fairy godfather. All I said was that I was in the mood for a Big Mac and you got me a Bob Mackie!!

[About Niles' corn problem]
Fran: Niles, I told you to cut the top of your shoes off like my father does.
Niles: Only if I can have the powder-blue socks and bermuda shorts to complete the look.

Mr. Sheffield: Brighton, I have to talk to you.
Brighton: Am I in trouble?
Mr. Sheffield: No, I rather think I am.
Brighton: Great! I've got time for this.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you for just one minute?
Mr. Sheffield: I doubt it.

Stewart: You look stunning! Just like Audrey Hepburn.
Fran: Too bad I sound like Selma Diamond.

Fran: [To C.C. and Stewart] Have a good time. Don't forget my Barbra programme and my Barbra T-Shirt and my Barbra mug with the nose handle.

Frannie's Choice [1.21]

[Handling affairs at home]
Grace: So, Fran, did you finish sewing my bear?
Fran: Uh-huh, and while I was in there, I took some of the stuffing out of her stomach and put it in her lips.
Grace: I wanted her to look like a Care Bear.
Fran: Well, now she looks like a Cher Bear. [The kitchen door opens] Oh, wow! Hi, Mr. Sheffield, don't you look handsome! Got a hot date tonight?
Mr. Sheffield: [In a tux] Yes, but I'm missing a stud.
Fran: Yeah, well, who isn't? [Fixes his tux]
Maggie: [Coming downstairs with Brighton] Forget it! I'm not taking you to the movies, you little worm!.... [To Fran] So what time's my curfew tonight?
Fran: Ten if you go with the worm. Nine if you go wormless. [Brighton gloats as he and his sister leave. Enter Niles] Where are you going?
Niles: Oh, tonight is my Butler's Association's meeting.
Fran: A walk on the wild side?
Niles: You said it. [Saucily] Sometimes, we listen to recordings of doorbells and don't get up.

Val: Do I have news for you!
Fran: Danny broke up with Heather Biblow.
Val: How'd you hear that?
Fran: From the information superhighway: My mother.

Sylvia: [When hearing Fran got proposed to] Oh, Frannie, your father and I have been waiting for this day since the moment you were born. Now we can die. [Opens kitchen door] Morty, you can start smoking again!
Fran: Ma, I haven't said yes yet.
Sylvia: Morty, put away that cigar!

Fran: The boss never marries the help. Look at Tony and Angela. Eight years he wasted on her. He was so heartbroken he skied into a tree.
Sylvia: Major Nelson and Jeannie tied the knot.
Fran: If she had any commitment at all to that relationship, she would have given up her apartment.
Sylvia: It was a bottle! They kept it on top of the mantle!

'Fran: [About C.C.] Happy is not a good color for that woman.

Mr. Sheffield: So would you like me to be there when you tell the children?
Fran: Do we have to tell the children?
Mr. Sheffield: I think they'll notice you're missing.
Fran: Can't you just tell them I'm taking a bath?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you'll be gone forever.
Fran: Tell them I'm putting on my makeup.

C.C.: Hey, kids, you know when I'm down in the dumps, what cheers me up?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a fresh pack of batteries?

Fran: [When C.C. rushes to get the door for Fran to leave] Look at her go.
Niles: The woman could deliver for Dominoes.
Fran: If she doesn't come hot, she's free.

Danny: C'mon, honey, you're gonna be a lady of leisure. You're gonna cook and clean and take care ofme and take care the kids.
Fran: Yabba-dabba-doo. I don't have to walk Dino?

F is for the fun we have together
R is for the rummy that we play
A is for the answers to my questions and
N is for the nasal things you say.

Fran: Danny, I don't want to hurt you but...I think I've outgrown you.
Danny: No, honey, you're just wearing heels.

I Don't Remember Mama [1.22]

Fran: Me and my ma went up for [a mother/daughter beauty pageant] once and we would have won too but she insisted on wearing a bikini.
Manager: Oh, and what's wrong with that?
Fran: Have you ever seen a hysterectomy scar from the sixties?

Fran: Well, there aren't a lot of pageant-related injuries. Except for that time Ellen Agdenum spiked me with her six-inch heels. But I got even. I switched her hairspray for PAM. She won anyway but she couldn't keep that crown on her head for nothing.

Fran: [After seeing herself sawed in half] Oh, no! How terrible!
Niles: What?
Fran: I've got a run in my stockings.

Grace: Everyone's so nice here. That lady never stopped smiling.
Fran: I know. I think she probably had one too many facelifts. Did you see that bow in the back of her head? It was her ears.

Fran: Hi. I'm Fran and this is Gracie.
Bobbi: [One of the contestants] I'm Bobbi Jo and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
Fran: How are things in Petticoat Junction? [They share polite laughter]
Bobbi: So is this your first beauty pageant?
Fran: Hardly. Yours?
Bobbi: Oh, 'fraid not. Ms. Sun Svelte 1982.
Fran: '83 Ms. Manny, Moe & Jack.
Bobbi: '84 Ms. Leon County.
Fran: '85 Ms. Union Turnpike.
Bobbi: '87 finalist, Ms. Universe.
Fran: Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?

Fran: I'm a fake?! Let she who is without silicone cast the first stone.

Mr. Sheffield: I don't know how [C.C.] can be so insensitive.
Niles: Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go whitewater rafting.

Grace: How come you never talk about [mom]?
Mr. Sheffield: Well, because sometimes it's very difficult for daddy.
Grace: Oh... You can't remember either?

[Sung to part of Anything You Can Do from the Annie musical]
I can jump a hurdle.
I can wear a girdle.
I can knit a sweater.
I can fill it better.
I can do most anything.
Can you bake a pie?
Neither can I.

Fran: [About Patti LaBelle and her daughter] Isn't she fabulous! You know, I'm her biggest fan. I tell ya, if they doesn't come in second, there's no justice.

Season 2

Fran-Lite [2.1]

Mr. Sheffield: First day of school already, huh? Summer just flew by.
Fran: Spoken by a man who did not see The Lion King 257 times.

Niles: Home alone. No more Pugg, no more Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and alas, no more Nintendo.
Fran: What happened to the Nintendo?
Niles: I accidentally pounded it repeatedly with a meat mallet.
Fran: Niles!! You couldn't have thought of that two months ago?

Fran: Well, you know what they say: "All work and no play makes a man~
Niles: ~rich enough to pay our salaries".

Fran: Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants fell off in Bloomingdales.
Brighton: What did you do?
Fran: I kicked 'em down to the Lancome counter and kept on walking.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you but we've got a problem and boy, you are never gonna guess this one.
Mr. Sheffield: Just make it short.
Fran: ...You guessed.

C.C.: [When seeing Fran and Leslie] Good God, it's multiplying!

Niles: Doesn't Ms. Leslie remind you of someone?
Mr. Sheffield: So you noticed it too.
Niles: It is rather obvious, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Yes, she is a dead ringer for Connie Selleca
Niles: Ms. Fine, doesn't Ms. Leslie remind you of someone?
Fran: What am I, a radish? That hair, those clothes, that voice? She's a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn.

Niles: You see, I should have used my oven mitt instead of this inferior substitution. But I didn't realize I wanted my oven mitt until I saw them together. And then I discovered that my oven mitt is exactly what I wanted and goodness gracious, it was under my nose the entire time.

Fran: Honey, I wouldn't understand? My home room was McDonalds.

Niles: You said he should have fun.
Fran: 9 o'clock is having fun. 11 o'clock is already I don't need another kid to take of.

The Playwright [2.2]

Brighton: Did you know that if you squeeze coal really hard it turns into a diamond?
Fran: Not true. One summer, me and Val went through a whole bag of Kingsford briquettes trying for earrings.
Brighton: No luck, huh?
Fran: No way, but to this day, I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigno.

Fran: I remember my first dance. I went with Richie Schneider. He had two left feet.
Niles: Bit of a klutz eh?
Fran: No, he had two left feet. Some freak thing. His mother was an X-Ray technician.
Niles: I'm confused. Could he dance or not?
Fran: Actually, he was an excellent dancer. Except when they did the hokey-pokey and they said: "Put your left foot in"? Poor boy went down like a ton of bricks.

Fran: Don't you know what happens to young girls when you torture them in high school? We're going to the video store and I'm renting you Carrie!

Fran: Do I sound like I'm coming down with a cold?
Niles: Constantly.

Fran: [At a restaurant to meet her date] Good afternoon. I'm here to meet a man.
Maitre'd: Might I suggest happy hour at the Black Angus?

Jeffrey: If I can't have you, I have no reason to live.
Fran: Sure you do. You've got friends.
Jeffrey: None.
Fran: Family.
Jeffrey: Estranged.
Fran: A dog.
Jeffrey: Bit me.

[About Maggie's crush]
Maggie: Fran, you like my makeup?
Fran: Uh-huh.
Maggie: Gracie's ballet teacher did it for me.
Fran: Oh.... Ballet teacher and make-up artist. Honey, we're definitely gonna have to have a talk.

Fran: Why didn't you take my emergency call?
C.C.: Because the last time you had the operator break through, it was to tape "The Bold And The Beautiful".
Fran: Well, Storm was about to marry Stephanie!
Mr. Sheffield: So what's the problem?
Fran: She's his mother!!!

Fran: What are you listening to him for? He passed on "Cats".
Mr. Sheffield: It was singing pussycat people in a giant garbage can. What would you have done?
Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield: Still running!

Everybody Needs A Bubby [2.3]

Fran: [About Yetta] You should have seen Ma in Schindler's List. She was snapping her fingers and singing: "Papa, Can You Hear Me?"

Yetta: [About their kids, to Fran] Aw, they're all their father's. They got nothing from you.
Sylvia: Ma, these are not Fran's children. Fran doesn't have any children. She's not married. She's all alone.
Fran: Louder, Ma. I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!

Fran: [To Sylvia] Sorta like ultra-suede is sorta washable or sorta like you're sorta a size 8?

Mr. Sheffield: [About Yetta] Can't she stay with your mother?
Fran: No, the big cats can't share a cage.

Fran: In my house, the fight ain't over until the fat lady grabs the Ginsu and says: "Here, cut my heart out."
Niles: We never say a cross word in our family. We just die very early from colon disorders.

Fran: [To Maggie] Have a wonderful time and don't do anything I forgot I did.

Fran: Oh my God, Yetta!
Yetta: What a coincidence. Saul said the same thing not ten minutes ago.

Yetta: Frannie, I know it's none of my business but it might help your marriage if you got rid of that blond your husband's always hanging around with. I don't know if you noticed but your kids are blond.
Fran: They're not my kids. He's not my husband. Oy, she couldn't have spaced out with Mr. Sheffield. No! With him, she could recall things from the womb.
Yetta: All I'm saying is that a blond like that with big shoulder pads dragged off your grandfather.
Fran: That was a Cossack.

Mr. Sheffield: Please, Ms. Fine, I'm just not in the mood.
Fran: No man's ever said that to me before.

Material Fran [2.4]

Fran: I tell ya, these personals are such a joke. Look at this: "Single White Female". That could mean anyone from Madonna to Janet Reno. Here's one: "Exotic Good Looks". I'm seeing a depilatory problem... Here's a gem. "Young bi-couple digs snakes. Contact Feoni. P.O. Box 666. No weirdos."

Grace: You have no idea how cruel children can be.
Fran: Honey, I've had this voice since the second grade. Need I say more?

Fran: [Passing some society ladies] Oh, hello. 'Scuse me. Pardon me. Fake Chanel.

[About one of her friends who is now high society]
Val: Has she aged?
Fran: Like a bowl of fruit.
Val: Has she had any work done?
Fran: More than L.A. after the quake.

Fran: Meanwhile, explain to me "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds". "The girl with colitis goes by?" I always thought that was very distasteful.
Mr. Sheffield: That's "The girl with kaleidoscope eyes", Ms. Fine.
Fran: Oh... Leave it to Flushing to turn a beautiful image into a bowel dysfunction.

Mr. Sheffield: My God! What on earth are all these flowers for?
Niles: Either Ms. Fine's date with Mr. Timmons went extremely well or he died and we're hosting the wake.

Fran: A good conversation is worth more to me than all the jewels in the world.
Theo: You wanna have dinner in Paris?
Fran: 'Nuff said.

Fran: How could you nap with $19.95 a pound staring you in the face?
Kathy: Frannie, stick with me and you'll be sleeping through caviar.

Fran: He doesn't care about what I have to say. I'm nothing but window dressing to him, a beautiful ornament, Vanna White.

Mr. Sheffield: I feel a thousand years old.
Fran: Try hiking up your underwear and pulling down your pants a little. Then you'll fit right in.

Curse Of The Grandmas [2.5]

Fran: Does anybody know what today is?
Niles: Another one of your colourful holidays involving plagues?

Mr. Sheffield: It was very sweet of you to volunteer to be Gracie's troop mother, Ms. Fine.
Fran: My pleasure. [Aside to Niles] That's the last time I ever scratch my armpit in public.

[About her anniversary gift of being Nanny to the Sheffields, with comments made aside in brackets]
Fran: I don't expect anything (Size 5). I have never felt so wanted or appreciated (Bloomingdales, 3rd floor). I just hope he doesn't go overboard (Diamonds are forever).

C.C.: I know when I'm old, I'd rather be in a dark room with the drapes drawn, the mirrors covered and a really big bottle of NyQuil.
Fran: Not me. I'm gonna be a platinum blonde prune pulling up my tube top and cha-cha-chaing with the caban boys.

[At the retirement home]
Fran: Okay, Red Robins, now remember your manners, no loud noises, and whatever you do, don't unplug anything.

Yetta: [About her housemates] Look at them staring at Jeopardy like they know European Monarchs for $500. Most of them can't even remember their room number.

Fran: Bye, my beautiful Red Robins. Fly! Fly! Fly... [Slams door] ...the Hell outta here!

Fran: Gracie, you're gonna love your new grandma, Mrs. Klein. Now do you remember what I told ya to ask her?
Grace: Is she related to Calvin and can we get a discount?

Niles: Think back, sir. One year ago today, someone's spiked heel dug it's first gibbet into the parquet floor.
Mr. Sheffield: Weren't you going to get that fixed?
Niles: Come closer. One year to the day since we first learned: "If it ain't half-off, it ain't on sale."

Niles: Oh my, the camera does put on ten pounds. It just doesn't distribute it.

The Nanny Napper [2.6]

Fran: Well, the entire city is in gridlock. I don't know who schedules a Gay Pride Parade on the same day they're unveiling a Calvin Klein billboard.

Fran: [Holding a crying baby] Niles, do we have any old nipples around the house?
C.C.: [Enters] Hello, hello.
[Niles bites a cushion to hold it in]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, why the devil did you bring the baby here? Why didn't you just pass him to a policeman straight away?
Fran: They're very busy. It's Sunday. The gays are coming out, the yuppies are working out and the Jews are eating out... I'm telling you we'll never get through!
Mr. Sheffield: How many gay people can there be in New York?
Fran: This from a man who produces Broadway musicals.

News Announcer: And in the local news, police are looking for this woman in connection with the mid-morning kidnapping on the subway.
Fran: Oh, would you look at that nut. And she's running around free.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God, Ms. Fine, that's you!
Fran: No way.
News Announcer: Suspect is said to be 5' 7", approximately 105 pounds and in her early twenties.
Fran: Oh, you're right. It is me.

Fran: Wow, this looks just like the police station on Cagney and Lacey. No wonder they had so much crime in that precinct. All you had to do was outrun Tyne Daly.

Policeman: You have the right to remain silent.
Mr. Sheffield: You obviously don't know her very well.

Policeman: We're going to have to strip-search you.
Fran: Oh no! Not until there's a ring on this finger and two tickets to Aruba.

Mr.Sheffield: How on earth did you get here with that Gay Pride Parade going on?
Niles: Oh, I borrowed a poodle and walked. In fact, I got several job offers. What's the difference between a butler and a houseboy?
Mr. Sheffield: In your case, about 30 years, Niles.
Niles: Rot in jail, sir.

Grace: Don't you love Fran?
Fran: Yeah, don't you love Fran?
Mr. Sheffield: Well, in a nanny-friend-boss type of way.
Fran: Yeah, and I love your father in that thanks-a-lot-you-British-cold-fish type of way.

Fran: Next time I bring home a baby, it's gonna be up to nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.

A Star Is Unborn [2.7]

Maggie: Say, some of the kids are going to the Hamptons for the weekend.
Fran: Oh, great! Will there be boys there?
Maggie: Um... Maybe a few.
Fran: Fun! Parents? Ah! Who cares? They'll just get in the way anyway. Go! Have a blast! We don't even have to tell your father.
Maggie: Really?
Fran: Sure! And when I'm fired and you're in the convent, we'll write each other letters and laugh about this.

Fran: I'll have you know that in high school, I played the Reverend Mother in The Sound Of Music. I put a low-scoop neck into my nun's habit and those hills were alive.
Niles: We did the Sound of Music. I played the Baronness. [Getting funny looks] It was an all-boys school. Thank God I didn't play the guitar or I'd be Maria.
Niles: I warn you, my acting prowess may blow you off the stage. They're still talking about my Baroness.
Fran: I can't stop thinking about it and I didn't even seen it.
Niles: And I spent my summers in Stratford-upon-Avon.
Fran: I spent my summers selling Avon.

[Fran's Shakespeare]
Fran: "O, for a falconer's voice to lure this tassel Gentile back again..."
Niles: It's gentle, not Gentile.
Fran: How the hell should I know? Did I look down his tights?
Mr. Sheffield: "More torches here! Ah, sirrah, by my fay, it waxes late..."
Fran: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Who the hell is Faye and why is she waxing during a party?

Brighton: I'm Dracula and I'm going to suck up all your blood and bury you alive.
Grace: You don't scare me.
Brighton: All right, fine. I'm the C.C. Monster and I'm going to marry dad and send you away to boarding school.
Grace: SHRIEK!!!

Fran: [Returning from rehearsal] Hi, guys. Forsooth, am I pooped!
Niles: [Smiles] Dinner is coming right up.
Fran: Aw, Niles, I already ate.
Niles: [Grumpily] You couldn't have called?!
Fran: Well~
Niles: Never mind! Ruined anyway! [Walks away]
Fran: Boy, is he moody.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, you are rather late.
Fran: What? Are you two in the same cycle?

Fran: You know what I think? You're jealous because Phillipe discovered something that was right under your nose.
Mr. Sheffield: And what would that be exactly?
Fran: My star quality!
Mr. Sheffield: That's rather like discovering the atomic bomb. Sounds good in theory but millions will suffer!

Phillipe: We're doing the death scene! Places, everybody!
Fran: [On the phone] Oh, Maggie, I gotta go. I gotta go plunge a knife into my heart. Oy, I’m sounding more like my mother every day. Uh, Phillipe! I gotta ask you a question! I don't know what's my motivation here. Why does Juliet kill herself?
Phillipe: Because without her Romeo, she has no reason to live.
Fran: Oh. You can tell this play was written by a man.

[During rehearsal]
Phillipe: Then Juliet awakens.
Fran: [Stretches] Oy, what a night!

Pinske Business [2.8]

Brighton: [Hearing commotion upstairs] What is that?
Maggie: Oh, no. Fran's giving her mother's canasta group a tour of the house.
Grace: [Fleeing the scene] COVER YOUR CHEEKS!!

Mr. Sheffield: I've been wanting to do this play since the beginning of my career and now finally C.C. has found an investor that shares my vision.
Fran: Oh, well, what's he do?
Niles: He's a garbageman.

Mr. Sheffield: Where the devil's C.C.?
Niles: Well, it is raining outside, sir. Perhaps she melted. Shall I see if there's a pointy hat and Chanel suit lying in the street?
C.C.: [Enters] Oh my God! My hair!
Mr. Sheffield: Look, C.C., I'm counting on you. Haste fancies himself as a bit of a ladies man so do what you have to do to make yourself presentable.
Niles: Shall I open the roof and strap her to a lightning rod?
Fran: No pressure, Ms. Babcock, but if you don't make this happen, I know 12 canasta ladies that are going to come after you like the last piece of pastrami on a tray full of head cheese.

Haste: I have made zillions in waste management but you just don't see a lot of leg. And if you do, you're calling homicide.

Haste: Where's the play open?
Fran: I know that! I know that! I...
Niles: Ms. Babcock, would you like some cream cheese?
Fran: We open in Kraft!

[Fran walks in in a svelte black number]
Maggie: Wow, Fran, you look so hot in that dress!
Fran: Uh-oh, I'm supposed to look like Ms. Babcock. I tried to dress conservatively. Niles, can you picture Ms. Babcock in this dress?
Niles: Not if I ever want to function as a man again.

Fran: Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Ms. Babcock. Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.
Niles: Oh, no, Ms. Fine. I couldn't possibly.
Fran: C'mon! Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work.
Niles: In your usual corner? [Stops] I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. Don't make me do this.
Fran: I'm Ms. Babcock and I'm off to get money from a man.
Niles: Don't forget your change belt. [Stops again] I hate myself... Do it again.
Fran: No, I have to go.
Niles: Oh, c'mon, one more, I'm hot!
Fran: All right and I'll make this one easy. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.
Niles: [Thinks hard]
Fran: C'mon... I don't hear anything... Niles, get a life. [Leaves]
Niles: I got it! I got it! [Shouts out by the driveway] I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl.... [Apologetically] Officer.

[Entering C.C.'s home]
Fran: Oh, this is nice. Very warm. Which way to radiology?
C.C.: Let me guess. The Heidi Fleiss collection?
Fran: You told me to wear something designer.
C.C.: All right, I have prepared a short dossier on myself. [Brings out a file] Where I grew up, went to prep school, when I came out~
Fran: You came out? What are you sniffing around Mr. Sheffield for?
C.C.: My coming out party, Ms. Fine.
Fran: I know. I heard you. Now you and your special friend can dance together at Disneyland.

Fran: I wouldn't eat that shrimp if I were you. God knows how long it's been in there.
Haste: C.C., I'm an expert on garbage. This baby has got two or three hours before it turns.
Fran: Er, no. As appealing as hepatitis sounds, yellow is just not my colour.

Fran: Let me tell you something. Mr. Sheffield is a man of vision. Sure, he passed on Cats, not one of his finest hours, but when everybody was going crazy where to place the fiddler, he's the one that said: "Stick him on the roof!" .... Mr. Sheffield is a man of integrity. When he believes in a play, he will stick by it even if it takes him twenty years to mount whilst I, C.C. Babcock, will mount just about anything.

Fran: Boy, she goes in, he comes out. This is just like a David Copperfield special.

Fran: Ma, I got something to tell you but I'm scared you're gonna yell.
Sylvia: Darling, you're scared of your mother. I could just smack you!
Niles: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Sylvia: Meanwhile, when's the last time you called your poor mother? An ocean away in a drafty country eating french fries from a newspaper?
Fran: Just promise me you're not gonna yell.
Mr. Sheffield: Mrs. Fine, you'd be very proud of your daughter. She turned down one of the richest men in the country out of loyalty to me.
Sylvia: [Smiling sweetly] So that's what you were afraid to tell me? You turned down a millionaire? You don't know me very well. [Walks over the oven] 'Scuse me, is this oven gas? [Pops her head in]

Stock Tip [2.9]

Fran: My father once invested in one of those Big Tall Men shops.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, now, those are very successful.
Fran: Not the one in Tokyo.

Fran: Go easy on the candy. Your teeth are gonna fall out.
Grace: Fran, maybe teeth are supposed to fall out. God made them that way so kids could eat all the sugar they want and be happy.
Fran: Nice try. Meanwhile, if God was so benevolent, when you hit 30, your hips would fall out.

Fran: Honey, I think you should hike up your pants a little bit.
Brighton: No, Fran, this is cool.
Fran: No, honey, this is the May Tech repair man.

Fran: Maggie, who does Ms. Babcock hate more, me or [Niles]?
Maggie: Whoa! God, this is hard. She hates both your guts.
Fran: Yeah, but I make her nauseous.
Niles: I make her drink.

C.C.: You want something, don't you? Nanny Fine wants something! Oh, yes! YES!!! GOD, THIS IS GOOD!!!
Fran: Are you done? You wanna have a ciggy butt and cuddle now?

Fran: If I want to meet a doctor, I'll do it the old fashioned way.
Niles: Fall in love?
Fran: Faint in temple.

Fran: [About manipulating Mr. Sheffield with well-phrased lines] Gosh, Mr. Sheffield, I could never put anything over on you. I mean you're a big Broadway producer, I'm just the Nanny.
Mr. Sheffield: Quite right.
Fran: [Exits] Number 17 still works.

Whine Cellar [2.10]

Gracie: Fran, how come we're practicing [your mother's] surprise party? Then it won't be a surprise.
Fran: Sweetie, at your age, a surprise is a big thrill. At her age, they're already rubbing two panels together and yelling: "Clear!"

Niles: Excuse me, Ms. Sylvia, I just want to double-check the menu. Meatballs, cocktail franks, cheese puffs, is there some reason you don't want your family to handle silverware?
Sylvia: Darling, don't you know? If it's on a toothpick, it's not fattening.

Brighton: This will be a great party. A bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.
Maggie: Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.
Fran: Just think of this party as an educational experience. Pretend you're Dian Fossey observing the gorillas. Just don't get too close when they eat. You could lose a hand that way.

[Fran and C.C. are locked in the wine cellar and Fran is screaming for help]
C.C.: Save it. No one's going to hear you. This was originally built as a bomb shelter.
Fran: Hey! Don't underestimate the power of these adenoids. I once had next door neighbors that moved closer to the airport! Gee, this room is very small, isn't it?
C.C.: Why? Are you claustrophobic?
Fran: Oh, thank you! Now you put it in my head! [Traumatized] And I'm reliving Loehmann's dressing room. Big sale. 200 naked women all screaming: "Where did you find that?!" I was clinging to my mother's girdle. Dimples, dimples everywhere and not one on a face!

Yetta: [Sylvia's] 50?!! She's got brassieres older than me! If she's 50, I... [Realizes then smiles] Whaddya know? She's 50.

Fran: Let me get this straight. [Maxwell] was drunk, you were the only woman on a deserted island and he still didn't touch you. And you thought Gene Shalit was gonna get him in the mood?

C.C.: These are the topics we can no longer discuss: what Woolite can and cannot do, anyone with the last name "Cassidy", odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans...
Fran: All right, okay, but you're really restricting the conversation.

Fran: [About C.C.] Niles, did you let it out?
Niles: Yes, and the villagers are not happy.

Yetta: Thank you for a lovely evening. And if you find a nice diamond cocktail ring, you can send it to me at the home.
Fran: Yetta, you don't have a diamond cocktail ring.
Yetta: I'm just saying if you find one.

When You Pish Upon A Star [2.11]

[About a sitcom similar to their lives]
Brighton: It's TV, Mag. It's a formula. Look, the big sister's an airhead and the little kid is obnoxious. But then he erupts into a teen heartthrob.
Fran: Yeah, but he'd better keep his ego in check. Otherwise, he'll be knocking over video stores with Dana Plato.
Maggie: What happens to the cute little one?
Grace: She gets a breast reduction and goes to Yale.

Brighton: I have finally found my calling in life. Sucking up to a famous guy.
Fran: Oh, honey, you're underestimating yourself. You don't need Jack Walker to be popular. You've got a trust fund that could choke a horse.

C.C.: What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?!!
Mr. Sheffield: [Warningly] Niles.
Niles: But, sir. Fish gotta swim.

C.C.: Nanny Fine, you're alone with the kid for two minutes and he wants to quit show business?!!!
Niles: If only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling
C.C.: I could kill you. I could rip out your heart with my bare hands!
Fran: ...She don't have a key to the house, does she? Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.
Maxwell: No, it is not all for the best, Miss. Fine, it is not all for the best at all!
Fran: But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt!
Maxwell: Alright, Miss. Fine, let me see if you can follow this, hmm? Sky: blue! Fire: hot. Actor: Pain in the butt! You are going to rectify this situation.
Fran: Wow, that sounds painful...
Mr. Sheffield: You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town and order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Fran: Well, all right. But I'm not taking the limo!
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, yes, you are!
Fran: Slave driver! [Leaves and returns] But there is no way you are buying me a new dress!
Mr. Sheffield: [Realizes what's going on] GET OUT!!!

Fran: Oh, I can't believe you want to give all of this up!
Jack Walker: Fran, I've been schmoozing since I was two. My first words were: "I wanna re-negotiate."
Fran: My first words were: "Can I take it back if I wore it?"

Take Back Your Mink [2.12]

Fran: My great-aunt Mimma Becca. She was 104.
C.C.: How did she die?
Niles: Childbirth.

Yetta: So when are you due?
Marsha: Grandma, I'm not pregnant!
Yetta: So stop eating!

Uncle Jack: Aunt Frida got Mimma's diamond wedding ring.
Yetta: I wanted that.
Uncle Jack: Cousin Judy got the blender.
Yetta: I coulda used that.
Uncle Jack: Uncle Morrie got the pasta machine.
Yetta: That they could have.

Fran: I have a very impressionable teenager at home that needs to know that I stick by my beliefs and I believe in animal rights.
Sylvia: Fran, a mink is not an animal. It's a rodent. If it was up in the attic, you'd be the first to call TerminX.
Fran: Ma, knock it off! I'm not putting a dead animal anywhere near me. [To Marsha] Pass the tongue.

Sylvia: If I die tonight, you'll never forgive yourself.
Fran: Ma, I'm a grown woman. You can't use guilt on me anymore to get what you want.
Sylvia: [Clutches her tummy] Oh!!!
Fran: What's wrong, ma?
Sylvia: Nothing. I just hope I'm not getting that flesh-eating disease.

Fran: Niles, did my mother call?
Niles: Well, I'm not sure. There was one call. A sob, a sigh and a long plaintive oooooooyyyy.
Fran: Either that's her or AT&T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint. I can't believe she would stoop to prank guilt calls.
Niles: How low can she go?
Fran: You're talking about a woman who can grow a tumor on command.

Maggie: Thank you for using glass bottles instead of plastic ones.
Niles: My pleasure, Ms. Margaret. I always wanted to know what a hernia felt like.

C.C.: So, kids, what's new?
Gracie: [Talking about her hamsters] Ms. Fine's having a baby.
C.C.: What?! Who's the father?
Niles: Why, Mr. Sheffield, of course. [C.C. spits out what she was drinking]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, how did you make up with your mother in the past?
Fran: Well, when I was a little girl, I'd put a napkin on my head and sing "Sunrise, Sunset". At eight, it's adorable. At thirty, they're giving you three thousand units of Thorazine.

The Strike [2.13]

[Another day of kid's affairs]
Maggie: Fran, what do you think about this [dress]?
Fran: Honey, that is entirely too revealing. No, no, no, it makes you look cheap and tawdry. Go put it back in my closet.

Fran: Well, the good news, B, is that I'm usually a very fair nanny. The bad news is it's the 28th day of the month.

Fran: [Seeing C.C. on the floor] Cheers! Must be 5 o'clock somewhere.
C.C.: I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine. I just slid off the couch.
Fran: And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun-damaged.

Fran: Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield, when the kids say: "Fran said no", that's the big robot going: "Danger, Will Robinson!"
Mr. Sheffield: You know, I could have stayed in England.
Fran: I'll make it simple for you. Children are like a brassiere.
Mr. Sheffield: [With a painful look on his face] One part of me says, "Get out the window, quick!!" But the other part just has to know why.
Fran Fine: Because they divide and separate.
Mr. Sheffield: Ah!
Fran Fine: Your mother never told you that?
Mr. Sheffield: No but we always thought Mummy should have talked more about her underwear.

Niles: Good afternoon, Munster, er, Master Kyle.

Fran: Wait a minute, are the busboys on strike?
C.C.: Oh my God! Those poor people! Who's gonna clear their tables?

C.C.: Maxwell, leave it to me. I can fix anything.
Mr. Sheffield: You can fix anything? C.C., there's a billboard in Times Square that says Boobcock!

Sally: Max, what are we really talking about here? I mean, in one word?
Mr. Sheffield: Support.
Sally: Fran. In one word?
Mr. Sheffield: In one word. Good bloody luck.
Fine: Hey, Mr. They-Had-To-Turn-The-Music-On-To-Get-You-Off-The-Stage-At-The-Tony-Awards.

Mr. Sheffield: You're important to me. Ergo I wanted you there.
Fran: Who's Ergo?

Fran: Niles, we are gonna have to get organized. We're being exploited!
Niles: Amen! Tried some foie gras?
Fran: Nah, had it up to here in beluga... He should only walk a mile in my shoes.
Niles: Ha! Ms. Fine, you can't walk a mile in your shoes.

I've Got A Secret [2.14]

Brighton: This is so bogus! Horror films today are much more realistic.
Fran: Right. Whenever I'm in a cabin in the woods, the first thing I do is rip off my top and start dancing the Frug.

[Fran is sitting on top of Maxwell's safe]
Mr. Sheffield: So what brings you here, Ms. Fine?
Fran: Oh, er...
Mr. Sheffield: No problem with the children?
Fran: No! No! Children are wonderful!
Mr. Sheffield: Household running okay?
Fran: Like clockwork.
Mr. Sheffield: Anything on fire?
Fran: No. No.
Mr. Sheffield: Then get out!
Fran: [Acting innocent] OH! You probably think that I'm snooping around like Ms. Babcock. Let me just tell you something. It's sad that a man in your position doesn't know who he can trust. [Walks off with a filing cabinet caught in her skirt]

Maggie: Oh, look, Brighton has a bird. Polly want an afterlife?

Fran: If I were you, I would walk myself right into his office and demand that he tell you who's up there... really loud.

Fran: What did I tell you about snooping?
Grace: That there should always be a lookout.
Fran: Good! Go wait in the hall.

Fran: None of this would have happened if you would have just told me who she was!
Mystery Guest: Cher.
Fran: Well, sharing is what it is all about.
Mystery Guest: Cher!
Fran: I know. Don't tell me. Talk to HIM! I give and give!
Mr. Sheffield: You know, she's really very good with children.
Fran: But do you think that earns his trust? NO! He still won't tell me who you are.
Mystery Guest: Cher!!
Fran: I heard you!!! Are you sure it wasn't a head injury?
Mystery Guest: Grammy, Emmy, Oscar...
Fran: [Gasps] Rita Moreno?!!

[Trying to keep Cher a secret from Val]
Val: Hi, Fran.
Fran: I can't tell!
Val: Tell me what?
Fran: Who the celebrity is recovering from surgery up in the guest bedroom so stop hounding me!
Val: All right, so can I have a soda too?
Fran: Well, there's only one left. We'll have to share. [Checks herself in surprise]
Val: What's wrong with you?
Fran: Nothing. Nothing. Can we please change the subject? So tell me, have your parents gotten that time share yet? [Checks herself again]
Val: No, they decided they didn't like Florida.
Fran: Why? The weather's so nice and sunny! [Slaps herself]
Val: It was a bad neighborhood.
Fran: Full of gypsies, tramps and thieves? [Stops in guilt again]
Val: Oh my God! It's Cher!
Fran: Who told you?!!

Niles: [Beating them back with his umbrella] Back! BACK, you journalistic spawn of Satan! [They clear a path] Thank you very much and have a nice day. [To Mr. Sheffield] One must be firm but never rude.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you've got some 'splaining to do!!

Mr. Sheffield: I was just thinking. Before you came into my life, I had no need for an emergency transvestite. [Sees Cousin Ira] When was the last place he passed for Cher? Sea World?!
Fran: Well, she just finished her surgery. We'll tell them she's full of Cortisol.

Kindervelt Days [2.15]

Fran: My old school books! "Looking for Mr. Goodbar", "Valley Of The Dolls"... "Intro to Chemistry"? How did that get there?

Val: So you're not gonna go?
Fran: Not unless I can go in the arm of a gorgeous guy.
Mr. Sheffield: [On the phone] No, tell Giorgio I love his suits but I'm not posing for GQ. I'm a businessman, not a bloody model.
Fran: Wouldn't hurt if he was loaded either.
Mr. Sheffield: What would I do with another Lamborghini?
Val: Why don't you ask Mr. Sheffield?

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?
Niles: [To C.C.] Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.

Mr. Sheffield: You're sitting on John Malkovich.
Fran: I don't hear him complaining.

Niles: A blind man in New Jersey saw that one coming.

Maggie: How do you keep from twisting your ankles in these [platform shoes]?
Fran: No, you don't. That's what bell bottoms were for. To hide the swelling.

Maggie: [About Erik Estrada] Wow! Great smile!
Fran: Don't look straight at it. It's like an eclipse.

Erik: Don't you have a big reunion tomorrow night?
Fran: [Swooning] Yeah...
Erik: Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.
Fran: Oh, my God! This is amazing! This is like a dream! How could this be?
Grace: We told him how desperate you were.
Fran: [Still ecstatic] Oh, THANK YOU!!

Fran: [About riding a motorcycle] Mosquitoes aren't so bad. Tastes like chicken.

[About Fran's flat helmet hair]
Mr. Sheffield: You look lovely tonight.
Fran: Even with the hair?
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, I like it. I can actually see over your head.

Canasta Masta [2.16]

Mr. Sheffield: When I was [Brighton's] age, I was already captain of the water polo team.
Fran: Water polo? What, do you swim with horses?
Mr. Sheffield: I just wish Brighton was interested in some of the sports I play.
Fran: Look, you can't make your kid like what you like. My mother always made me go with her to her ballet classes.
Mr. Sheffield: Your mother took ballet? What's that been like?
Fran: Picture the hippopotamuses in Fantasia.

Yetta: [To Brighton] You want Grandma to kiss the boo-boo?
Fran: Isn't it enough I got one kid in therapy?

[About Brighton's canasta skills]
Sylvia: He must be one of those special people that has a knack. What are they called?
Yetta: Idiots.... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Fran: Yeah, that we should replace Gerda with Brighton and make him our fourth in Atlantic City.
Yetta: No. I shouldn't eat stuffed cabbage this close to the pilot light.

Mr. Sheffield: So, Ms. Fine, back from the batting cages. How did my boy do?
Fran: Well... He made contact with the ball. And, er, he'll have a great career if the Bee Gees ever get back together.

Fran: I can't wait to hit the buffet tables in Atlantic City. He's got a safari jacket with 40 pockets in it. We won't have to order room service.

Fran: [At the slots] C'mon, baby! Go, baby! Go! Mama needs a... [Thinks] Mama needs a Papa, that's what Mama needs.

Fran: Tennis? All that running back and forth, back and forth. That's a sport I never got.
Maggie: Fran, there's the instructor. [Walks off after a gorgeous blonde guy]
Fran: Now I get it.

Maggie: [At the casino buffet] Wow! I can't believe all this food's for free.
Fran: Yeah, and if you count your losses, it only comes up to $49 a shrimp.

[C.C. walks in on Niles' impersonation of Tom Cruise's Dance from Risky Business]
Niles: You realize of course now I'm going to have to kill you.

The Will [2.17]

Fran: Honey, tell your father the good news.
Grace: There were four great movies at the Cineplex.
Fran: No, honey, the other news.
Grace: We paid for one and snuck in three.

Fran: Everything has to have a moral? What am I, Mother Goose?

Mr. Sheffield: I have pulled a major coup.
Fran: That will heal itself. But for the next couple of days, sleep on your side and wear boxer shorts.

Fran: Honey, to you, [Brighton's] a obnoxious brother. But to other little girls, he's 79 pounds of pure stud muffin.
Grace: Ew!

C.C.: Niles, pour me some more tea.
[She places her empty mug on the counter. Niles ignores her and continues chopping vegetables]
C.C.: I want some more tea, Niles. [Niles continues to ignore her.] You are a butler, now, buttle!
[Maxwell enters the kitchen. C.C. doesn't notice, but Niles does.]
Niles: Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?
C.C.: You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile, now pour!
Maxwell: C.C.!
C.C.: Maxwell!
Maxwell: Don't speak to Niles like that, poor man isn't a mind-reader!
C.C.: But... But, Maxwell-!
Niles: Oh, it's alright, sir. Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.

Fran: Val! I'm gonna be a widow!

Fran: [About the kids] They may look British but they think Yiddish.

Mr. Sheffield: You know, Ms. Fine, there are many ways a producer can lose a potential backer. He may dislike the show, hate the casting. But death by nanny may be the first.
C.C.: It's all right. We've nothing to worry about.
Mr. Sheffield: You spoke to the doctor?
C.C.: No, the bank. The cheque cleared.

Fran: My friend, Val, used to sing the anthem at the assembly solo. She would get so stressed out that, well, when she got to the part: Bombs bursting in the air, let's just say she didn't need a timpani.

Fran: [Signs the will] There. Signed, sealed and delivered. Now take it away. I never want to see that will again.
Niles: [Sotto voce] Were our names mentioned anywhere else?
Fran: Lemme see that will again.

The Nanny Behind The Man [2.18]

Maxwell: Just once, I want to be on top.
C.C.: I want you on top too, Maxwell.
[C.C. stuffs an orange in Niles mouth before he can say anything]
C.C.: You're just not going to win. You might as well give up. C'est la vie!
Fran: La vie.
C.C.: Maxwell, for your own good, give up. It's a futile fight for God's sake. I know when I'm licked.
Fran: Just give me a minute to get that image out of my head.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has that you don't is a middle name.
Mr. Sheffield: I've got a middle name.
Fran: Well, there you are! What is it?
Mr. Sheffield: Beverly.
Fran: Moving on.

Fran: So what's this guy like?
Mr. Sheffield: Dakota Williams? He's an elderly Southern gentleman. You know, a real man's man. Hard drinking, chain-smoking, plain talking...
Fran: And you want to fix him up with Cindy Crawford? I don't know. From Richard Gere to Yosemite Sam? You know what, leave everything to me. I have just a gal for you. Cheap, foul-mouthed, find second-hand smoke a big turn on...
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, Ms. Fine, you wouldn't want to go out with him.
Fran: I didn't mean me! I hate smoke.
Mr. Sheffield: You think you can convince this friend of yours to go out with him?
Fran: I don't know. She's got to be willing to have cocktails in a mansion, dinner at a 5-star restaurant, ride around all night in a limo with some famous guy who's too old to jump her. Gonna be tough.

C.C.: Your plays are so profound. Where do you get your inspiration?
Dakota: Give me enough time with an alcoholic spinster and I give you a play.
Niles: [Pointing at C.C.] Ta-da!

Niles: Oh, Ms. Babcock, you have a little something... [Signals her face]
C.C.: Give me that. [Takes Niles dirty dishtowel and smears her face with gravy] How do I look?
Niles: Yummy.
Mr. Sheffield: C.C.? What on earth happened to your face?
Niles: She cut herself shaving.

Niles: Ms. Fine, you have more lives than Garfield.

Yetta: Dak and I are a match made in heaven. I like dog meat, he likes rye. I can hear the movie, he can see it. I've got a right lung, he's got a left... Thank you for introducing us. Most guys my age are senile. [Exits] I'll be in the gift shop.

Yetta: Business is important. I myself am an entremanure.

Fran: Are you doing the hokey-pokey and you need your right arm in?
Niles: I'd take it out before he shakes it all about.

Fran: Ever since I started working here, I don't need a treadmill.

A Fine Friendship [2.19]

Fran: So, Gracie, are you excited about your play date with Willie?
Grace: I think Willie just wants me for my toys.
Fran: Sweetie, you might as well get used to it. You'll be guarding your toys for the rest of your life.

Niles: A handsome man just walked through the door and you didn't do your usual subtle Hanna-Barbera reaction: Heart pounding through your thorax, tongue unfurling and landing on the floor.
Fran: Niles, please, the man's gay.
Niles: Now how do you know that? You barely spoke two words to each other.
Fran: Well, first of all, I was instantly attracted to him which means he's definitely unavailable. Plus did you see that upper body? Trust me, he's either gay or a priest with a Soloflex.
Niles: Ms. Fine, you're mad.
Fran: Oh yeah? Well, watch this, Mr. Know-It-All. [Opens kitchen door and shouts] Kurt! Who understudied Carol Channing in Dolly?
Kurt: Jo Anne Worley.
Fran: [Confidently turns back to Niles] Hello!

C.C.: I couldn't understand your signals.
Mr. Sheffield: C.C., how many things can this mean? [Pushes both palms forward frantically] RUN!!!
Niles: Next time, try yelling: "Last call".
C.C.: Oh, Niles. Dear sweet I-Manage-Your-Pension-Plan Niles.
Niles: [Sweetly] May I get you some tea?

Grace: [The Lion King]'s only playing at one theater?
Fran: Yes, all the parents got together and insisted.

Niles: If you let me tell Ms. Babcock about this, I'll work free for a year.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, I've got a couple of things to talk to you about. Number 1: Do not use the downstairs bathroom.
Mr. Sheffield: Number 2?
Fran: Exactly.

C.C.: Nanny Fine, trying to pass off [gay] Kurt as a date. How pathetic.
Niles: This from a woman who went to Cancun with a crash dummy.
Mr. Sheffield: Haven't you heard, C.C.? It appears our Kurt is straight.
C.C.: [Laughs] That's impossible. We worked together for several months. There was absolutely no sexual tension.
Niles: Well, duh!

Niles: Oh dear. That was the last apple.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?
Niles: Well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it and now it's too late. It was right there in front of me. If only I snatched it up when I had the chance, I wouldn't have this aching hunger.
Mr. Sheffield: Good God, man, have a bloody pear!
Niles: Oh dear. That was the last pear.
Fran: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?
Niles: Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.
Fran: You snooze, you lose.

Mr. Sheffield: Did you part amicably?
Fran: No, not at all. It was very friendly.

Lamb Chop's On The Menu [2.20]

C.C.: For Heaven's sake, [Chester]'s a small dog. He fits in a wet bar fridge. [Gets strange looks] Never mind how I know that.

C.C.: The theater's dying. It's time we branched out.
Fran: You know, I'm with Ms. Babcock on that one. When you're paying 65 bucks to see Brooke Shields singing in pedal pushers, you know the end is near.

Fran: If Lamb Chop had married Howdy Doody, her name would be Lamb Doody.

Fran: Hello, Ms. Chop, I'm Fran Fine and I must tell you I have been a fan of yours every since I was a little girl.
Lamb Chop: Ever since you were...? [Laughs] That is impossible. I'm only six.
Fran: C'mon, I used to watch you on my black-and-white TV~
Lamb Chop: I'm only six.
Fran: Oh, I get it. That's okay. My mother counts in lamb years too.

Lamb Chop: Cute tush. I'd follow him to school one day.
Fran: Get the feeling Lamb Chop's fleece is not as white as snow?

[When Lamb Chop freaks out when C.C. walks in]
C.C.: What did I do?!!
Fran: Ms. Babcock, your coat. New Zealand Lamb?
C.C.: So?
Fran: Maybe she had people there?!
Maxwell: Take it off.
Niles: Three words she doesn't hear often.
C.C.: Niles, isn't that sweet? You're bonding with the sheep. Not the first one, I'm sure.
Niles: Bravo. You win. Every dog has her day.

Val: I promise I won't say anything stupid.
Fran: Too late, Val.

Fran: Well, I said it. I knew you'd find some way to blame it all on me.
Niles: [Eavesdropping, from outside] Yes, she did, sir.
Fran: But I've got a plan.
Niles: Yes, she does, sir.
Fran: And as you know, my plans never fail.
[She waits for a response, and then elbows the door.]
Niles: [Bursts into laughter]

Fran: I once accidentally destroyed my father's toupee and I made an exact replica out of the toilet seat cover.
Brighton: That looked real?
Fran: Yeah. Plus he matched the towels.

C.C.: You know, Shari, the lamb was holding you back. You're better off without her. She told me she was seeing another hand.

Close Shave [2.21]

Niles: [Seeing Fran with a towelette on her head] Oh, Ms. Fine, is it that time of the month again?
Fran: I'm afraid so, Niles. Time to make my credit card payment. Thank God I've got a system.
Niles: No, you don't. I'm tapped.
Fran: Not you. I have to pay my American Express because if I buy a piece of gum, the SWAT team storms the building. Meanwhile, I pay my Mastercard with my Discover Card, my Discover Card with my Optima Card, my Optima Card with my Cititrust Visa.
Niles: But doesn't that leave a very high balance on your Visa?
Fran: Exactly. And that's why they give me an espresso machine which I sell to pay off my American Express, thank you.
Niles: Ms. Fine, you should be president of Mexico.

Fran: $50?! Do you know how many kids Sally Struthers could feed with $50?! Although, have you seen her lately? Do you really think she's feeding anyone else?

Fran: Well, Maggie's gonna be a candy striper at Belmont Hospital. I got her a gig through this doctor I once broke up with.
Niles: You broke up with a doctor?
Fran: A very successful anesthesiologist. But when I went out with him, I didn't feel anything.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, do you really think Margaret's responsible enough to be working in a hospital?
Fran: Oh, what's the worst that'll happen? She'll forget to bring someone their Jello snack?
Mr. Sheffield: [Pointing to a fish tank in the corner of the room] See that aquarium?
Fran: What aquarium? There're no fish in there.
Maxwell: Ah. Margaret forgot to bring them their Jello snacks.
Fran: Well, this is different. This job is gonna help build her character. She's gonna wake up every morning with a purpose to help people. To marry a doctor, to move to Great Neck, to drive a Caddy SDS with a North Star engine and make her Cousin Marsha so jealous... Oh. Sorry. I'm back.

Fran: Excuse me. I need a doctor.
Nurse: What are your symptoms?
Fran: I'm 30 and I'm single.

Maggie: Oh, c'mon, Fran! It's our eight week anniversary.
Fran: Eight? Already? What is that: lint?

Mr. Sheffield: [Having stomach pains] Niles, Miss Babcock and I~ Ugh!... Miss Babcock~ Mmph!... Miss Babcock~ Ooh!
Niles: Yes, I know the feeling, sir.... So then, Ms. Babkook, forgive me, Babcock won't be poisoning you this evening?
C.C.: You know what I think, Niles. I think you're jealous. You know why he doesn't come home for dinner? You don't keep it interesting. For twenty years, it's the same old recipes. Let's face it, Niles. You let yourself go. He's bored.
Fran: Don't listen to her. I bet when he's eating her Coco-Bon, he's fantasizing about yours.
Niles: I'm not worried. You think it's the first time he's strayed? But he's always home for breakfast.

Niles: Bucking for a raise?

What The Butler Sang [2.22]

Niles: How do you do?
Nadine: I take pills.

Fran: It must be hard on the [kids].
Nadine: Divorce is tough.
Fran: I mean because they're staying with Ma.

Fran: Loehmann's gotten their big shipment. Did you go over there on Thursday?
Nadine: No, I had a barbeque. I piled all of Barry's clothes outside his mother's house and I set them on fire.
Fran: As long as you're not bitter.

Fran: My sister has always wanted everything that I've had. My clothes, my toys. Once, I actually got a shag haircut just because I knew she'd look lousy in it. Took me twelve weeks to grow out but she looked like Cousin Ed.

Mr. Sheffield: You're off your bloody rocker, you know that? Thank God you're not operating heavy machinery, just raising my children.

Fran: You know, Niles, there's something to be said for sibling rifle-ry.
'Niles: You mean rivalry, Ms. Fine.
Fran: No, I mean [Pretending to cock a shotgun] Kk-Kk! BOOM!

Fran: If Mommy knew the way her eldest daughter behaved last night, I tell ya, she'd be so mortified she'd just pack her bags and move to Florida. [Gets an idea and picks up her organizer] Call ma.

Barry: Fran?! Nay!
Nadine: Bar!

[Repeatedly used line]
Nadine: I'm going to my room.
Fran: MY room, Nay!

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss [2.23]

Maggie: [Pamela Chapman]'s so gorgeous, even her mother hates her.
Fran: Sweetie, you've gotta have more self-confidence. All of those over-developed girls just peak in high school.
Val: Yeah, remember that girl from our school who was so beautiful and so popular that everyone thought she would own the world. Then her fiancee dumped her, she got fired from her job and she wound up working as a na~ [Stops when she realizes who she's talking about]

Fran: Standing in line for hours reminds me of home. We only have one bathroom. My father would go in with Sunday paper and not come out 'til Murder She Wrote.

Fran: Oh, sweetie, she's no threat to~ WOW! I had no idea Brad Pitt and Claudia Schiffer had a kid.

Fran: Well, it's fun for you to kiss a celebrity but I get kissed...[Realizes how long it's been] Outta my way!

Mr. Sheffield: Please, Ms. Fine, you don't seriously expect me to believe you beat out hundreds of young girls just because of your kissing prowess.
Fran: No! I beat them because I happen to be a fabulous kisser.
Mr. Sheffield: Don't you think you've gone just a bit overboard on the hyperbole?
Fran: [Sniffs herself] I'm wearing Obsession!
Mr. Sheffield: What I want right now is to be in a pub with my hands wrapped around a tall lager.
Fran: A logger? Do the kids know that you're considering an alternate lifestyle?
Mr. Sheffield: It's a beer, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Oh. Well, speak English!

Val: This is so exciting! I'm gonna meet Billy Ray Cyrus! I wonder if he's related to Sugar Ray Leonard.
Fran: Gee, you know, if Emily Bronte married [him], her name would be Bronte-Cyrus.

Billy Ray: You don't want to be in the new video?
Fran: No.
Billy Ray: You don't want to be the kiss-girl on my European tour?
Fran: No.
Manager: How about a couple of tickets to the Grammies? There's a party at the Streisands after.
Fran: What are we really talking about here?

Niles: Ms. Fine, I told you there's nothing to be depressed about. You are a beautiful young woman. What are you? 32? 34?
Fran: You better be talking about my bra size or you're gonna become awfully chummy with a turkey leg.
Maggie: Fran, I'm sorry I made such a big deal about the contest. The best woman won.
Fran: Honey, stop knocking yourself. Being the best had nothing to do with it. Being the one most likely to pass a liver spot off as a coffee stain was what put me on top.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I heard about the contest and I just can't bear the thought of you feeling badly about yourself.
Fran: Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. That's awfully sweet of you but, really, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna make me feel any better.
Mr. Sheffield: Well then, I suppose I'd be wasting my breath if I told you no girl could possibly be a match for a woman like you.
Fran: I'd give it a shot.
Mr. Sheffield: I think you are one heck of a kisser... I can't remember being kissed like that... With such passion, such abandon, such... suction.
Fran: Well, Danny used to call me his little Dirt Devil.

Strange Bedfellows [2.24]

Fran: Niles, look at the cake for my friend Mona's retirement party?
Niles: It's beautiful.
Fran: It's plaster of Paris.
Niles: Why would anyone buy a fake cake?
Fran: Because I'm gonna take it out of the box, they're all gonna ooh and aah and then say: "No thanks, I'm on a diet". This way, I can use it again plus I can carry it on the bus [under my arm].
Niles: You do know there's a piece broken off the side?
Fran: I know. I had it at my mother's not ten minutes. She said it's dry but if you dunk it in Sanka, it's delish.

Fran: My mother has a cold remedy that never fails. Niles, next time we cut up the chicken, save the feet.
Mr. Sheffield: Actually, I'm beginning to feel a lot better.
Fran: See? Never fails.

Fran: You know, Niles, being a nanny is a thankless job. I'm history the minute Gracie starts shaving her pits!
Niles: Feeling a tad insecure about our future?
Fran: Actually, I'm not the least bit concerned about yours. As long as you can put a tea bag in a cup of water, you've got a career.

Niles: [Seeing Fran descend in a lovely golden gown] Hubba hubba! Are you sure you want to waste that on a nanny retirement party?
Fran: Oh, Niles, Mona is one of my closest friends. I want to look nice for her.
Niles: Cardiologist convention in the next ballroom?
Fran: Yeah.

Fran: You know I can't drink. One sip of Manischewitz at Passover and I'm humming the Jeopardy theme during the four questions.

[Fran mistakenly falls asleep in Maxwell's bed]
Fran: [Waking up to a shocked Maxwell] Oh, I'm having that dream again...

Mr. Sheffield: I just wonder what's troubling Ms. Fine. What am I wondering for? I'm standing here with Liz Smith.
Niles: I resent that, sir! But according to my sources, Ms. Fine is feeling a little insecure about the future.
Mr. Sheffield: Aren't we all? Perhaps she should use a little less of that bloody aerosol hair spray.
Niles: No, no, no! Not the future of the world, sir. She's concerned about the golden years.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, no! They canceled her favorite TV show?
Niles: Please, sir. Work with me. What is to become of Ms. Fine when her services here are no longer required?
Mr. Sheffield: Oh! You're talking about after the children have grown, aren't you, Niles?
Niles: Always one step ahead of me, sir.

Mr. Sheffield: I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.... It would give me great pleasure if you would...
Fran: [Excited] Yeah? Yeah?!!
Mr. Sheffield: ...let me buy you a condominium.
Fran: Huh?
Mr. Sheffield: For your retirement.
Fran: A condo?! That's what you want to give me for my future?!! I have never been so~ Would it include carpet and plantation shutters?
Mr. Sheffield: Yes, of course.
Fran: Pets okay? 'Cause I probably want a cat.
Mr. Sheffield: Whatever you want. So... happy?
Fran: [Strangely satisfied] Yeah.
Niles: [Overhearing, shaking his head] Oy! This is gonna take forever.

The Chatterbox [2.25]

Mr. Sheffield: Oh, really, Ms. Fine. Is a Sweet Sixteen party really just about making your friends hate your guts?
Fran & Maggie: Yes!
Mr. Sheffield: C.C., tell me, did you have one of these Sweet Sixteens?
C.C.: Puh-lease! All those little snot-noses trying to outdo each other? I didn't want one.
Fran: No friends?
Niles: None.

[Fixing resumes]
Fran: Mr. Sheffield hires only the most accomplished actresses. Now is Baywatch one word or two?... Mr. Anthony only hires people from the most exclusive salons. Now, is Supercuts one word or two?

Mary: So now I have no place to live, no job, nowhere to go and no means of support. But I can't complain.
Fran: You're not Jewish, are you?

Claude: Oooh! A natural blonde! Now there's two of us.
Mary: I don't really know Queens.
Claude: Now you know one. Charmed. [Extends hand]

Fran: Maggie's going to her Sweet Sixteen at the Statue of Liberty.
Yetta: Big deal. I had mine on Ellis Island. So many people came.
Fran: Yetta, you were in quarantine
Yetta: I thought it went on a little long.

Kim: [Finishing her manicure] Okay, Sylvia, you all done.
Sylvia: Thank you, Kim. How long should I wait before I eat?
Kim: [Looks her over] Oh, about four years.

Fran: Daddy doesn't want you to work. Who's going to feed him lunch?
Sylvia: What, he can't add water to the Top Ramen himself?
Fran: Yeah, but if you're not there to stop him, he's just gonna keep eating. Remember Uncle Laren, may he rest in peace? He exploded that Hanukkah.
Sylvia: The doctor said it was a freak occurrence. You can't eat 32 latkes and sit that close to a menorah.

Mary: Excuse me but I couldn't help but notice you have a little blood gushing out the side of your head.
Nemo: Look, lady, I'm 13, I live in New York and my father owns a beauty parlor. This is not an uncommon thing.

Anthony': You know, when you alphabetized my styling mousses, I said: "All right, she's eager." When you convinced Mrs. Wilke to cut her hair short so she wouldn't have to come back for six months, I said: "All right, she's stupid." But when you interfere in my personal life against direct orders, I say: "All right, she's fired!"
Mary: You know, when a guy punches out a picture of his wife, I say: "All right, he's in pain." When he throws that picture into the trash, I say: "All right, he's in denial." But when he fires the one person who is just trying to bring him and his son closer together, I say: "Please don't fire me, Mr. Anthony!"

Fran Gets Mugged [2.26]

Niles: [To Fran, when C.C. insults Brighton] I'll hold her down, you tie her tube.

Fran: [Mistakenly picking up Shakespeare thinking it's an errand list] "Hamlet of Denmark". Why can't he just write a small Danish ham? "Montagues Capulets" Well, is that regular or extra strength? I guess it's whatever I want. It says right here: "As You Like It"... Please tell me Macbeth is something you eat with McFries.

[After losing her purse because of a mugging]
Fran: Now I have to replace all my credit cards and that driver's license with the fabulous picture where I look just like Jaclyn Smith.
Brighton: Man, if I ever see that creep again...
Fran: Oh, sweetie, don't go calling him a creep. Deep down inside, there's goodness in everyone. [Realizes something] Oh my God! He's got my Cadillac Red Lipstick!! It's discontinued!!! I WANT THAT CREEP TO FRY!!!!

Brighton: I feel terrible. I should have defended you yesterday but I totally wimped out.
Fran: Sweetie, sweetie, listen. All you did is pass out, puke and pee in your pants. You were in Central Park. You fit right in.

Fran: It's like my grandmother used to say: "Life is like a box of chocolates."
Mr. Sheffield: That's from Forrest Gump.
Fran: And they payed her nothing.
Fran: Like my grandmother always says: "All's well that ends well"
Mr. Sheffield: And again she got nothing.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, please, get thee somewhere else.
Fran: Mr. Sheffield, look on the bright side. Instead of your paper, it could be me that's missing.
Mr. Sheffield: Don't try to cheer me up.
Fran: You know, I've got half a mind~
Mr. Sheffield: You got no argument here.

Fran: What kind of justice is this? He mugs me and he walks?... Meanwhile, I ate a couple of pink cherries in the A&P and I get wrestled to the ground like Squeaky Fromme

Mr. Sheffield: C'mon, Ms. Fine, when you fall off a horse, it's very important that you get right back on.
Fran: Mr. Sheffield, that horse analogy never worked with me. If I fall off a horse, I'm calling Jacoby And Meyers.

Mugger: See, I'm just down on my luck. I can't pay my bills.
Fran: Well, get a job.
Mugger: They repossessed my car.
Fran: Take a bus.
Mugger: I had to move in with my mother.
Fran: [Turns to Mr. Sheffield] Aw, give him a fifty.

Fran: I'll tell ya, Hamlet is my new favorite play. People eating prime ribs with their hands, everybody stabbing each other in the back. Put baloney and a pile of blue tuxes, you've got my cousin Claudine's wedding.

Season 3

Pen Pals [3.1]

C.C.: Nanny Fine, how can you watch those soaps? The plots are so ri~ What's going on?
Fran: She is hopelessly in love with her business partner only he doesn't even know she exists.
C.C.: What a loser... So what happens? Is she going to get this guy or bash his British head in or what?
Fran: Well, he asked her to work late tonight and she's gonna to seduce him.
C.C.: So we find out what happens tomorrow?
Fran: Tomorrow? This is a soap. We'll be lucky if six months from now, that coffee she's making is ready.

Fran: [About C.C.] You know, if she were Jewish, her last name would be Iceberg.

Fran: You wouldn't believe I'm the fastest woman on Earth?
Mr. Sheffield: In that outfit, I would.

Mr. Sheffield: What is it you're always telling the children?
Fran: "Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day?"
Mr. Sheffield: All right, what is it I'm always telling the children?
Fran: "Ms. Fine works too hard. We should send her to Club Med."

Mr. Sheffield: Where is Ms. Fine anyway?
Niles: She's upstairs getting all farpitzed.
Mr. Sheffield: What does that mean?
Niles: You know, dressed.
Mr. Sheffield: I thought that was farblondzshet.
Niles: No, sir, that means confused.
Mr. Sheffield: No, man, that's farkakteh.
Niles: Well then, what's farshimlt?
Mr. Sheffield: I think that's her uncle.

Fran: Ooh, Mr. Sheffield buying drinks, how classy! Me and Val usually just sit at the bar and wait for the guys next to us to go to the bathroom and then we take theirs.
Mr. Sheffield: You drink someone else's drink.
Fran: No! We just hold it. You gotta have a drink to get into the free Happy Hour buffet. Don't you ever go out?
Mr. Sheffield: Actually, I'll have you know I was quite the Jack The Lad in my day.
Fran: That's okay. Everyone goes through a little curiosity phase.

Fran: The guy stood me up! Boy, you think that he'd want to meet the first millionaire woman astronaut that opened for Streisand.

C.C.: Goodnight, Maxwell. Franny Nine.

[After seeing Niles and C.C. together]
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, how much did I have to drink this evening?
Fran: Not as much as them.

Mr. Sheffield: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Fran: What are you thinking?
Mr. Sheffield: Taking a shower and going to bed.
Fran: What a coincidence. I'm going to bed thinking about you taking a shower.

Fran And The Professor [3.2]

Fran: Give me your best shot.
Brighton: All-rightey. Channel 29. What follows The Ghost And Mrs. Muir?
Fran: That would be Family Affair, the episode where Mr. French accidentally drops Mrs. Beasley off the terrace, followed by The Munsters with Marilyn #2, followed by Bewitched with Darrin #1 but Mrs. Kravitz #2.
Mr. Sheffield: Bravo, Ms. Fine! You seem to know more about '60s television than most people your age have forgotten.
Fran: Are you calling me old or just stupid?
Mr. Sheffield: You have a child-like quality that I find absolutely charming.
Fran: Child-like?
Niles: Just stupid.

Fran: [To Mr. Sheffield] What if the person moving in is a single guy? If he hears you yelling at me, he'll think we're married.

Mr. Sheffield: It's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend. I was hoping I'd be invited.
Fran: Oh, a Renaissance Weekend. Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.

Mr. Sheffield: Where is this brother of yours, C.C.?
Fran: Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly and married?
C.C.: No, why?
Fran: Then I gotta change.

Noel: C.C., Mommy died yesterday.
C.C.: [Gasp] What'd you get?!
Noel: Gotcha.
C.C.: I walked right into that. He used to keep me in stitches with all that "Mommy Died" stuff.

Noel: I'm Dr. Noel Babcock.
Fran: A teacher and a doctor? Your mother must be kveling!
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, don't you have something to do?
Fran: He thinks that I can't handle an adult conversation... Maybe I'd learn something if I hung out with the Professor. Worked for Mary Ann and Ginger.

Noel: [Taking a bet] I say the Nanny can be taught.
C.C.: Oh, please don't make me take your money. This is a woman who thought Clarence Thomas was on the Mod Squad.

Fran: What is a nanny? Things are that single!

Dope Diamond [3.3]

Fran: Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes. Would you stop futzing with my skirt? Can you believe her? Stop it!
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, she's your mother. She's just pulling it down.
Fran: She's my mother. She's hiking it up.

[Upon seeing Fran and Jules kiss]
Sylvia: You know, he's a doctor.
Mr. Sheffield: Ah! That explains why he's trying to remove her tonsils.

Mr. Sheffield: C.C., do you believe in love at first sight?
C.C.: Yes! Why?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine...
C.C.: NO!! Why?!
Mr. Sheffield: She met a gentleman.
C.C.: I mean, yes, yes, yes! I'll stick with yes!

Mr. Sheffield: So, Jules, had I known you were going to the theater, I would have gotten you house seats.
Jules: I know the star.
Mr. Sheffield: I know the producer.
Jules: I know the director.
Mr. Sheffield: I know the theater owner.
Jules: I talk to God.

Jules: Sweetheart, I want you to have the most beautiful engagement ring that money can buy.
Fran: Oh, Jules-ie, I don't know if I can grow through with this.
Jules: Getting married?
Fran: No! Buying retail.

Police Officer: We've been looking for Jules Kimball for over three years.
Fran: Dr. Kimball is a fugitive? What are the odds?... Why me?!
Police Officer: He usually preys on women over 30. You know, single, desperate, lonely...
Fran: Like I said, why me?

Sylvia: I can't believe I lost my figure for the likes of you.
Fran: You lost your figure for the likes of Winchell's, Ma.
Sylvia: I have low blood sugar. The doctor prescribed donuts.
Fran: And who described the ice-cream floats? Dr. Pepper?

Fran: When I was [Grace]'s age, I was hanging bagels from my ears playing Princess Leia.

Therapist: So, ladies, what brings you to therapy?
Fran: I came because my mother has an obsession with me getting married.
Sylvia': I came because my daughter has a delusion that I have an obsession.
Yetta: I came because they brought me and I don't know how to get home from here.

Brighton: What happened to this [chess] board?
Fran: Never leave two queens alone together. They'll redecorate.

A Fine Family Feud [3.4]

Fran: I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin...[Sees Grace] Airline Tickets.
Grace: Did they give you another one?
Fran: No, honey. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.
Niles: Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, then it miraculously reappears.

Fran: While Cathy adores a minuet, a ballet rouge and crepes suzette, our Patty likes to rock-and-roll.

Fran: [My mother] and Frieda had a big fight and they haven't talked since 1979.
Maggie: That must be awful.
Fran: It's destroying them. They both gained 40 pounds and they can't rub it in each other's faces.

Fran: Ma, you're just saying that to try and make me feel guilty.
Sylvia: I'm not trying to make you feel anything. Feel this. Is this a lump here?

Frieda: Wow! Get a load of this joint. If I knew it was so fancy, I would have slipped on the stairs outside.

[When Frieda and Sylvia see each other with Fran]
Frieda & Sylvia: [Spoken simultaneously] What is she doing here?! She invited me! You're not welcome here! Fine! I'm leaving!

Val's Apartment [3.5]

[After screaming out Niles' name from the hall at 5 o'clock in the morning]
Fran: Oh, good, you heard me.
Niles: Van Gogh heard you. He's dead AND missing an ear.... [Looks at her face] You sleep in your makeup?
Fran: Honey, do you see a ring on this finger?

Sylvia: Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?
Niles: No.
Sylvia: Could I?

[Maxwell has a toy dinosaur glued to his thumb]
Fran: There's a special trick. Put your other hand over your mouth. [Rips the dino off]

Fran: Maybe I should have told Val I'd move into that apartment with her.
Mr. Sheffield: Come on, Ms. Fine. You live upstairs and you're late for work.

Fran: And why everytime you leave the room, you have to mention cereal?
Mr. Sheffield: What do you mean?
Fran: "Cheerios! Cheerios!"

Fran: My God, I moved in with Forrest Gump.

Fran: "The place is just crawling with single men", Val? Perhaps somebody should have thought twice before renting an apartment across the street from the Judy Holliday Inn!

Shopaholic [3.6]

Niles: Ms. Fine, wasn't lying on my gold card application enough?
Fran: Niles, I told you I was just trying to make you sound better.
Niles: By listing my occupation as Frasier's brother?

Fran: What's the first thing I do when I'm upset?
Brighton: Eat a box of Malimars.
Maggie: Rent "The Way We Were".
Grace: Blame your mother.

[C.C. gets her tongue stuck onto a popsicle]
C.C.: Heh! Heh-iih! Thih thih ith stuh!
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, what did she say?
Niles: I believe she just quit, sir.
C.C.: Thih...Thih thih ih stuch to mah taah -aah!
Mr. Sheffield: C.C., I can't understand a word you're saying.
Niles: She's very uncomfortable in that dress, sir, and should never have tried to squeeze into a size six.
Mr. Sheffield: She said that?
Niles: No, but isn't it obvious?
C.C.: I wuh KIRR woo!!
Niles: Oh, all right, all right. Just go outside and stick your tongue outside in the sun.
C.C.: Wealeeh?
Niles: Mm-hmm.
C.C.: Ah raih. [Exits]
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, why didn't you tell her to just put some hot water on it?
Niles: Because it's not nearly as funny. Look.

Grace: Daddy, I'm worried about Fran. She's compensating for feelings of inadequacy by acting out with obsessive-compulsive behaviour.
Mr. Sheffield: Now, Gracie, you spend more time in therapy than Daddy does. Now once again in small words?
Grace: She's nuts!

Fran: [Trying to break being a shopaholic] If I begin to falter, I'll just say my little prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot exchange~ CHANGE!!

Niles: Stop her, sir! I just cashed my cheque!
Mr. Sheffield: Do you know where she went?
Niles: With what you pay me, probably an outlet store in Jersey.

Fran: The years are passing me by! 27, 28, 29, 29, 29...

Fran: A girl in our group had [a shopper's blackout] the day after Thanksgiving. They found her buried in a sales bin of Calvin Klein Jeans, the Loose Fit. How's THAT for humiliation?

Oy Vey, You're Gay [3.7]

[When Mr. Sheffield comes home drunk]
Fran: Whoo! Don't light a match.
Niles: Why so shocked? Your father never came home inebriated?
Fran: No, we're Jewish! Came home gaseous. Never lit a match then other.

Fran: Let me ask you something. When you fill up your taxes, what do you put in marital status, S or M?
Mr. Sheffield: S.
Fran: All right, so you told Uncle Sam you're single. Maybe it's time you told yourself.
Mr. Sheffield: But I want to be an M again.
Fran: Yeah, well, I wanna be an M too. But first you gotta make an S out of yourself.

Niles: Try this, sir. It's my father's hangover remedy.
Mr. Sheffield: Thank you, Niles. [Sips] UGH! Niles, it's far too early in the morning for anything this repulsive.
C.C.: Hello, hello.
Niles: Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.
Mr. Sheffield: It's not working.
Niles: So sorry. Forgot the hair of the dog. [Pulls one off C.C.'s scalp]

Sydney: Hi, I'm Sydney Mercer. Ms. Babcock is expecting me.
Niles: [Smiling] Oh, no, she's not.
Sydney: So are you Mrs. Sheffield?
Fran: No, I'm not his wife. I just live with him, run his life and raise his kids.

Mr. Sheffield: And to think this morning, I was so recalcitrant.
Fran: Eggs always do that to him.

Niles: Did you see how many holes he has in his jeans?
C.C. & Fran: Twelve.

Niles: I talked him out of the leather pants. Then I spent the next hour getting him out of the leather pants.
Fran: Took you an hour to get a pair of pants off of a man? Next time, try wearing Chanel No. 5 and a tube top.

Fran: Er...I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
Sydney: Aren't you gay too?
Fran: Me? No!
Sydney: I just assumed. You're over 30, never been married, there isn't a man in your life...
Fran: Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.

Fran: Oh my God!
Mr. Sheffield: What? Another rat?
Fran: Worse. There's an echo in here. I just heard my own voice.

The Party's Over [3.8]

Val: Fran, you think we're being too particular? Maybe we should lower our standards.
Fran: How? We're already down to mammal.

Maggie: Do you know how hard those concert tickets were to get? There's no way I'm missing Nine Inch Nails.
Fran: Nine Inch Nails? Barbra's on tour again?

Fran: [When meeting a guy she doesn't like] Have you met my friend Val?

Niles: Uh-oh. Someone's got a hell of a mess to clean up.... Damn, it's me.

Mr. Sheffield: I specifically said no parties.
Fran: Well, technically, you told Maggie no parties.
Mr. Sheffield: Don't you start with the semantics.
Fran: Oh, so now you’re going to fire me because you're anti-semantic?

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I'm beginning to think that hiring a door-to-door cosmetics salesgirl as a nanny was not my finest hour.
Niles: Although, your skin has never looked more supple.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, this is the woman who's raising my children!
Niles: Yes, and look what she's done to them. Miss Grace's therapist is no longer on the speed dial. Master Brighton has given up those insipid little blazers with the nautical emblems and the gold butt...[Gets a look] which look SO good on you, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, Margaret is at a very impressionable age right now and Ms. Fine's behavior today was hardly character-building.
Niles: That was certainly proven today. What sixteen-year-old girl in her right mind would give up the concert of a lifetime for a friend?

Judge: Ms. Fine.
Fran: Yes?
Judge: Do you have your attorney present?
Fran: [Totally flustered] Oh, my attorney present, uh... You know what. I'm not gonna get him anything. Let's see how he does first.
Judge: [Aside, to the bailiff] Is this a competency hearing?
Fran: [To Val] Meanwhile, what's the using of having a lawyer for an uncle if he's a no-show?
Val: Is he any good?
Fran: Well, he worked for some pretty good law firms. I mean, Freeberg, Freeman and free for the family. He's strictly pro bono.
Val: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro-Cher.

Manny: I object! I object!
Judge: You object to what?
Manny: To those electric doors in the men's room.
Judge: That's the elevator.
Manny: Use the stairs.

Judge: Ms. Fine, would you just like to plead?
Fran: Yes, I would. Oh, please, please don't send me to jail!!!

Judge: Mr. Sheffield, the party was in your house. Then you are responsible for the party. I am fining you $500. And you, [Fran], are free to go. And thank God, so am I.
Fran: Thank you, thank you.
Mr. Sheffield: I'll tell you one thing, I am not paying the fine.
Fran: Ooh, you're gonna fight the system. What a turn-on.
Mr. Sheffield: No. You're paying it.
Fran: What a turn off.

The Two Mrs. Sheffields [3.9]

[Fran is holding the last bouquet of white tulips]
Elizabeth Sheffield: I have my eye on those.
Fran: Well, I have my eye on Antonio Banderas but I ain't taking him home either.

Niles: Shall I poison them at supper, sir?
Mr. Sheffield: [Outraged] Niles!!! [Pause] It's two hours away.
C.C.: Elizabeth, I can't wait to tell you all the exciting things that are going on in my life.
Elizabeth: Right after I visit the powder room, dear.
Niles: Oh, please. She'll be done before you get there.

[Dressing Maggie up as C.C.]
C.C.: Isn't it wonderful? We could be twins!
Mr. Sheffield: Margaret, do take that off. You look 50.

Mr. Sheffield: [Seeing Fran and Elizabeth talking] When did you two get so thick?
Fran: For me, it happened around the 14th but she must have had salty nuts on the plane.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, marry you? This is all so sudden. I mean, I'm really gonna have to think about~ Okay.

Sylvia: Sweetheart, I have been preparing for [your wedding] since before your embryo had an egg sac.

Fran: My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me just to get even with his mother!
Val: Wow!... Good thing she showed up, huh?
Fran: I can't marry someone under false pretenses!
Val: Really? Boy. You think you know a person.

Sylvia: Why so formal? Call me ma. We're family! Mishpugha!

Elizabeth: A mother doesn't raise her son for the four years before boarding school and come away with nothing.
Mr. Sheffield: [Bitterly] Oh, that was you for those four years! I thought it was Niles disguised as Kim Novak.

Mr. Sheffield:I don't detest you, mother. I don't know you well enough.

Fran: You can return this. It was what I was going to wear on our honeymoon night.
Mr. Sheffield: Nothing in here but lip gloss.
Fran: [Smiling] Suffer.

Having His Baby [3.10]

Fran: Niles, you ever think of having a kid of your own? Someone you can take care of, put to bed at night, rub Vicks on his little chest when he's sick?
Niles: I already have one. [Enter Mr. Sheffield] Isn't he adorable?... Ms. Fine, you still have plenty of time to have children.
Fran: Meanwhile, there's an expiration date stamped on my eggs. Best if used before you start looking like your mother.

Fran: I want to marry a guy, get pregnant and have someone to blame for making me swell and vomit for nine months.

Fran: What do you think, Niles? Should I have a baby?
Niles: Ms. Fine pregnant. I'm not sure the world is ready for you in a mu'umu'u.
Fran: This mama ain't wearing no mu'umu'u. When that kid is born, you're gonna be able to read Donna Karan Control Top on his forehead.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, it's the 90's. If they can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, I can have a baby.

Niles: What makes you so sure [Fran] wants you?
Mr. Sheffield: C'mon, man! She practically spelled it out. She wants someone tall, handsome, creative...
Niles: Did she also mention cocky, vain, couldn't get the laundry in the hamper if his life depended on it?
Mr. Sheffield: No.
Niles: Then what are you worried about?

Sylvia: How could my own daughter not tell me that I'm going to be an illegitimate grandmother? [Weeps openly]
Mr. Sheffield: I know. I know.
Niles: Can I get you anything?
Sylvia: [Distraught] No. Nothing. Nothing. [Sobs] Maybe lunch. [More sobbing] No fish!

Sylvia: Darling, you don't know what it's like to take care of a little one. You are used to three grown kids who don't even need you anymore.
Fran: Ma, lay off. Get it? As in "Lay off the unneeded nanny". [Points to Mr. Sheffield who is in the room]
Sylvia: [To Mr. Sheffield] They would be lost without her.

Sylvia: Oh my God! It's Monica Baker! I can't tell you how many people meet me on the street and swear that I am you.
Fran: Ma, that's Tammy Faye Baker.

Monica: [Dumping her toddler with Fran] Mommy loves you. But the public loves mommy. So she has to go.

Fran: If you want to have a baby with me, Maxwell Sheffield, you're going to have to do it the old-fashioned way.
Mr. Sheffield: Marry you?
Fran: That too.

The Unkindest Gift [3.11]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, this manuscript was in a folder marked "Personal" in a file marked "Private" hidden in my desk drawer.
Fran: Oh, I getcha, I getcha. You didn't want certain people reading it.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, that included you.
Fran: You're kidding. Well, if you didn't want anybody reading it, you should have kept it in your secret wall safe. You want me to open it up for you?

Fran: [About to eat ice-cream with her brownie] Wait a minute. Is this fat-free, sugar-free and artificially sweetened?
Niles: No, but I used an 8-inch pan instead of a 10.
Fran: Close enough.

Sylvia: Fran, you're probably wondering why I'm acting so strange.
Fran: Ma, you've been here for two seconds. You yelled, you ate. The only thing strange is that you haven't showed me a wedding announcement from a girl I went to high school with.
Sylvia: It's in my purse.

Sylvia: Fran, my future freeloading in Florida depends on this party. There is no way I'll~
Fran: He'll do it for a $10.
Sylvia: You're hired! You know I don't like to be filmed when I'm eating.
Fran: Which is why there's more footage of Bigfoot than of her.

Mr. Sheffield: You know, Ms. Fine, I'm very impressed with the way you've got Brighton off his duff and pushed him into this.
Fran: This is what I do. I've been at it for years.
Mr. Sheffield: I thought this was your first nanny job.
Fran: What nanny? I'm talking about being a yenta.

Yetta: You let someone bring a mangy pet in here? It's very unsanitary for the baby.
Fran: Yetta, that is the baby.
Yetta: I guess I shouldn't have given him that meatball that fell on the floor.

Fran: B, B, please cheer up. No one cares that you didn't take the bris.
Brighton: Your cousin Susan spit on me!
Fran: That's a Jewish blessing. Why do you think we have plastic on the furniture?

Fran: I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield. I don't know what's happening. I'm making mistakes left and right. I've lost my powers. Oh, no! I'm like Aunt Clara on Bewitched.

Brighton: The best part is we all get a free trip to Hollywood.
Fran: *GASP* Do you know what this means?
Mr. Sheffield: You and Ethel are gonna steal John Wayne's footprints?

Fran: A lot of people told me I should move to [Hollywood] and get into movies.
Mr. Sheffield: What stopped you?
Fran: Talkies.

The Kibbutz [3.12]

Fran: Oh, Niles, it's so hard planning a vacation when you're single.
Niles: Yes, it's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vale, sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy!" "Niles, give me a comforter!" "Niles, go out in that blizzard for a PIZZA!"
Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
Niles: WHAT... is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.

Mr. Sheffield: I simply can't risk Maggie spending her whole Christmas with that boy so I'm sending her abroad.
Fran: A broad? You want to her swinging that way?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I'm serious. I'm sending her away for three weeks.
Fran: You're sending her away from her family for the holidays?
Mr. Sheffield: She's going to Switzerland.
Fran: Just her and her nanny?
Mr. Sheffield: Alone. I'm sending her to a convent where she can learn French, art and European history.... I don't care how much Margaret protests. I'm her father and what I say goes. So, uh, talk her into it, would you?

Maggie: If I go [away], Eric will meet another girl.
Fran: No, he won't. You just tell him that if he cheats on you, you'll know just by looking at him.
Maggie: Who'd be stupid enough to believe that?
Fran: Guys.

Mr. Sheffield: [Niles], why don't you take a nice vacation just for yourself?
C.C.: Oh, please, the last Marx brother, Cheapo?

Fran: Merry Christmas, Mr. Sheffield. Maggie's going away to a convent so your round yon virgin will stay that way.

Mr. Sheffield: Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up.
Fran: And yet you continue to ask me. You need help, mister.
Mr. Sheffield: Why do I ever listen to you?
Fran: Well, my voice is kinda hard to tune out.

'[Fran as a teenager]
Fran: I want to go someplace where I can expand my mind and absorb all the ancient heritage...
Sylvia: You're not going to the kibbutz.
Fran: Ma, how did you know?!
Sylvia: Fran, I'm your mother. I read your diary.

Fran: Niles, where's Mr. Sheffield? I gotta talk to him about Maggie going on this Kibbutz.
Niles: But didn't you already talk him into it this morning?
Fran: Yeah, but it's this afternoon. Now I've gotta talk him out of it. Keep up! Keep up!

Mr. Sheffield: You were saying you don't want Margaret to go to the Kibbutz because that's where you lost your...?
Fran: [Awkwardly, with the kids around] Hat.
Mr. Sheffield: All right. I take it you were very attached to this hat.
Fran: Well, not as much as my mother was.
Mr. Sheffield: Look, Ms. Fine, what is the big deal about losing your... OH MY GOD!

Niles: [Suddenly seeing Ms. Babcock on his vacation] Oh, daylight come and we want go home.

An Offer She Can't Refuse [3.13]

Fran: Hi, you must be Mr. Tattori.
Tony: Please. My friends call me Tony. [Kisses her hand]
Fran: What does your wife call ya? [Pulls it back]
Tony: I'm divorced.
Fran: [Extends it again] I'm Fran.
Tony: [Asking her out] I will pick you up on Friday.
Fran: Friday? Wait a minute. We hardly know each other. Better start on Thursday and take care of that.

Mr. Sheffield: [To C.C.] How can you cause me such consternation?
Fran: I think it's the banana bran muffins myself. I mean, banana, bran. Your colon's confused.

Fran: I need to ask you for some time off. I gotta get off early on Thursday. I got a date which means I've gotta gel, mousse, pluck, blend, ugh! I'll tell ya, I'll be glad when this natural look is out.
Mr. Sheffield: ... All right, Ms. Fine. I'll let you out early on Thursday if you stay late on Sunday.
Fran: Well, I can't stay late on Sunday but I can start late on Sunday and work my regular hours Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 'cause you gave me Thursday off.
Mr. Sheffield: No, I didn't say you could get Thursday off. I just said you could leave early.
Fran: Oh, all right, I'll leave early on Thursday but I still got Sunday off.
Mr. Sheffield: No, you're coming in late.
Fran: All right already.

Mr. Sheffield: What's this Tony fellow like anyway?
Fran: He's cute, he's rich, he's got an adorable accent and he loves musical theater. He's like nobody I've ever met before.

Fran: So... tell me about yourself. What do you like to do besides dress like a million bucks and drive around in a limo? (Which is all I ever really aspire to.)
Tony: It is not important what I do. It is important who I am.
Fran: Who are you?
Tony: It is not important who I am. It is important who I am with.

Fran: [On the phone] Hi, Mrs. Toriello, is Val home?... I guess that was a stupid question.

Fran: Val, I can't tell anyone. Whoever knows is in grave danger!
Val: But you just told me.
Fran: Well, I had to tell someone.
Val: But why would you put my life in danger?
Fran: Because you're my best friend.

Fran: Wait a minute. Tony's not the only one with muscle in his family. I have relatives too. I can have him taken care of.
Niles: You mean killed?
Fran: No. Audited.

C.C.: Listen, Tennesse Tuxedo. I don't have time for you today. I have to find a tenor for our new show. Wait a minute. Maxwell, Niles has a beautiful voice. We'll just put him in the show. Can you do a Southern accent?
Niles: It's shakin', bakin', ah, Hell.
C.C.: Can you do a time-stop? [Sees him prance] Can you be more naive? Sucker!

Oy To The World (Animated Christmas Special) [3.14]

Grace: Fran, the storm is getting worse. How is Santa going to deliver all the presents?
Fran: Gracie, the man is bigger than Dom DeLuise and he fits through a chimney. Believe me, he can get through a blizzard.

Brighton: All right, stay calm. Everything's under control.
Fran: Honey, we're traveling via marshmallow down a hot chocolate river with a dog who is talking my ear off. This is under control by you?

Brighton: Fran, look! We're in Candyland. Everything's edible.
Fran: It's a test. I know it's a test.
Brighton: And it's all free!
Fran: I fail. [Starts snacking]
Brighton: Look! An ice-cream castle!
Fran: And it's a banana split level. [Gets on her knees]
Brighton: Stop praying, Fran. We'll be okay.
Fran: No, honey. I'm praying it's all fat-free.

Niles: Well, Santa is the second richest person in the North Pole.
Fran: Oh? Who's the richest?
Niles: The dentist. [They both laugh]
Fran: Is he single?

[About C.C. the Abominable Babcock]
Niles: She's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.
Fran: Sounds like my mother.
Niles: Be careful. She's 2000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.
Fran: Oy, she is my mother.

Fran: [To Chester] Where's your courage? Where's your compassion? Listen to me. I'm looking for a test of character from someone who drinks out of the toilet.

Fran: [Trying to get out of that ice block] This will take forever. Give me that picture of Mel Gibson. [Ice melts]

Fran: I guess it was a dream. Jewish reindeer, candy castles, dogs talking...
Chester: Of course it was a dream! You ate all that chocolate and your pants still fit.

The Fashion Show [3.15]

Brighton: "Does this make me look fat?" "No." "Do you like my hair this way?" "Yes." "Does my tush look wider than usual?" There is no answer to that one.
Niles: [Tired of waiting for Fran to get ready] Sir, you've got to know how to speak to a woman. Ms Fine, you'll miss the buffet.
Fran: Coming.

Fran: I can't believe how many famous people are here tonight! [Gasps and starts snapping photos] Oh my God! There's the paparazzi that got hit by Sean Penn! Oh, look! There's the one that got hit by Mickey Rourke! Oh my God! That's the one that parachuted into Liz's wedding!...Oh my God! And I only have one picture left! Grace, pretend to pass out! When everyone gathers around to help, take a group shot!

C.C.: Maxwell, I'm thrilled we're participating in this charity benefit. It's for a very needy cause.
Mr. Sheffield: Who's it for again?
C.C.: I don't know. Some disease. Very trendy. Valerie Bertinelli did the movie of the week. I didn't see it though. I had a date.
Niles: Then it was a big night for charity all 'round.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get this piece of trash out of here!
Niles: [To C.C.] You heard the man. Move it!

Fran: [Punishing Mr. Sheffield] Don't you worry. It's gonna be slow and painful. [Dials a number] Hi, Ma. Mr. Sheffield here wants to hear all about your hysterectomy.

Fran: Just look at these editors of Gloss Magazine. They don't know squat about fashion! Bunch of pretentious, know-it-all wannabes... [Sobs] Why don't they like me?

C.C.: Maxwell, the entire Broadway community will be there and we'll have costumes done by Oscar de la Yenta!

Mr. Sheffield: Have I let my judgment be impaired by my feelings for Ms. Fine?
Niles: What feelings are those, sir?
Mr. Sheffield: Well, you know~
Niles: No, I don't, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, c'mon, Niles~
Niles: But you'd feel so much better if you just said it.
Mr. Sheffield: Perhaps you're right! Maybe I should just admit that~
Fran: [Enters] Knock-knock!
Niles: Oh, WAIT!!!!

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, don't worry about it. It's a benefit. People are just here to find a cure... for their tax problems.

Fran: So who wore this [dress] before me? Was it Cindy Crawford? Heather Locklear?
Todd: Actually, it was Wesley Snipes.

Where's Fran? [3.16]

[Fran smokes to get in trouble with Mr. Sheffield to teach Maggie a lesson]
Mr. Sheffield: Have you lost your mind?
Fran: [Remorseful] I know!
Mr. Sheffield: Smoking in front of the children?
Fran: I know!
Mr. Sheffield: I've always known you weren't too bright but all of the stupid things you've ever done!
Fran: I-- What'd ya say?

Grace: Um, dad, if you and Fran split up, who do we live with?
Mr. Sheffield: Me, sweetheart.
Grace: Oh.... [To Brighton] Find her!
Brighton: You know, Dad, I really just cannot believe that you called her a moron and threw her out in the snow without a winter coat.
Mr. Sheffield: I did no such~ Who told you that?!
Niles: Does it really matter where the boy who has a Playboy hidden in the hamper heard it?

Mr. Sheffield: Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?
Niles: Time flies when you're being unreasonable...sir.

Sylvia: I am so upset about this whole thing I can't even eat.

C.C.: Maxwell, is it true that you called Nanny Fine a witless man-chasing floozy?
Mr. Sheffield: I did no such thing.
C.C.: Oh, then it must be me.

[Yetta enters with a policeman]
Mr. Sheffield: Yetta, what happened?
'Policeman: [Motioning the crazy sign] We found her wandering around on Queen's Boulevard. She says she lives here.
Yetta: [whispering to Maxwell] Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.
Mr. Sheffield: Officer, thank goodness you're here. Look, our nanny is missing. She stormed out of the house this morning and we haven't seen her since.
Yetta: She got upset when he called her a gorgeous, sexy vixen he couldn't live without.
Mr. Sheffield: I never said that!
Yetta: Don't you wish you had?

Maggie: [When offered a cigarette] Put those away before my dad walks in. I'd like to live long enough to see if Ross and Rachel actually get together.

Mr. Sheffield: Do you think~
Niles: ~that Ms. Fine allowed you to catch her smoking simply to teach Ms. Margaret a lesson that would be more effective than you screaming at her thereby breaking her of her disgusting habit and keeping your fragile relationship intact?
Mr. Sheffield: Yes, that.

Fran: Letting you think I was talking to the First Lady, that was smart. Forgetting to plug the phone in, stupid.

The Grandmas [3.17]

Maggie: I hope Fran's okay. She's never been late for breakfast.
Mr. Sheffield: I'm sure Ms. Fine's alright. It takes time for her to roll out of bed, throw on a robe. And then there's the slipper dilemma: Fuzzy or formal maribou feather pom-pom.
Fran: [Enters in a day ensemble rather than her usual bathrobe] Good morning, everyone!
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, why aren't you undressed?
Fran: You know, I've dreamt of you asking me that question.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I'd rather prefer to stay at home. Niles is the only one who knows how to make my breakfast just the way I like it.
Fran: Toast and eggs? Please! Daniel Day-Lewis could make that with his left foot tied behind his back... although who would want to eat it. C'mon, aren't you sick of the same old routine?
Mr. Sheffield: I don't have a routine, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Of course you do. I come in here every morning, I sit down, you say I look gorgeous...
Mr. Sheffield: I don't do that.
Fran: Well, start.

Grace: Fran, I don't know how to say this without hurting you.
Fran: Just be honest.
Grace: I don't want you to come with me.
Fran: Haven't you ever heard of a white lie?

'[Niles is writing a sign]
Mr. Sheffield: Can you imagine Ms. Fine thinking I'm predictable! Me! Mr.~
Niles: [In unison] ~Spontaneity.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? [Niles shows his sign: "Of course not, sir"] Well, predictable is good, predictable is solid... Oh, God, even I knew I was going to say that.
Niles: If I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man...sion.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I want her to be happy here. How do you suppose I go about satisfying Ms. Fine?
Niles: [Awkward silence] Well, the second way, sir~
Mr. Sheffield: Niles!!
Niles: Just shake it up, sir! Do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, I don't know. Give me a bonus!

Mr. Sheffield: [Asking Fran if she likes the tie he's wearing] Yes or no?
Fran: It wouldn't be Monday without your Monday tie.
Mr. Sheffield: [Ripping off his tie] That's it, it's gone! All right, what else don't you like?
Fran: I'm not crazy about the pants either.

Fran: Ma, I can't believe Gracie doesn't want to be seen with me.
Sylvia: Honey, it's a normal thing for a kid to go through. Remember when you suddenly didn't want me to pick you up from school?
Fran: Yeah, but I don't wear a girdle on the outside of my pants.

Fran: I think we're beginning bore each other.
Sylvia: That's normal in a marriage.
Fran: But me and Mr. Sheffield aren't married.
Sylvia: Are you living with him?
Fran: Yeah.
Sylvia: Are you taking care of his kids?
Fran: Yeah.
Sylvia: Are you having sex?
Fran: NO!
Sylvia: Then you're married. Relationships are like thighs. They start out smooth then they get a little lumpy but without them, you don't have a leg to stand on.

Fran: [In tears] Oh, Niles, my parents are splitting up. What if ma starts dating other men and finds one she likes and gets married [Breaks down] before me?
Niles: Oh, there, there, Ms. Fine.
Fran: I've got to get them back together. No one in my family has ever been divorced before.
Niles: I thought your sister was.
Fran: Nah, they're just miserable.
Niles: What about your Aunt Esther and Uncle Louie?
Fran: Never legally married.
Niles: How about your cousin Ernion?
Fran: What are you, Liz Smith?

C.C.: Sure, it's hard at first. You're shuttled from house to house, forced to choose who you love the most. They try to buy your love, topping each other's gifts, giving you more and more until you've got all you ever wanted~ Oh, life can be sweet, Nanny Fine!!! Divorce - Embrace it!

Fran: You don't want Maggie to that wild out-of-control party anymore than I want Gracie going on a play date by herself.
Mr. Sheffield: I'm fine with Margaret going.
Fran: 'Til three in the morning?
Mr. Sheffield: She's an adult.
Fran: With a strange boy?
Mr. Sheffield: I trust her.
Fran: He's a Kennedy.
Mr. Sheffield: MARGARET!!!

Val's Boyfriend [3.18]

Fran: Val has a life and I don't. It's a world gone mad. It's like when Rhoda got married before Mary.

Niles: I'm sorry, sir. I just- I just got so excited. I mean, she said and then- then you said and- and when she said: "I quit!" well, I-I just wanted to roll over, light up and watch Letterman.

Brighton: First, she makes me go with her to buy shoes. I'm sorry but those guys deserve medals. Then we went to get a facial. I'm combination skin should it ever come up. And then we had to sit through "A Star Is Born", both Barbra and Judy's version. Dad, she's turning me into Val.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I know you're going through a very difficult stage right now and I know I can't fill Val's shoes...
Fran: Unfortunately for her, you can.

C.C.: I'm in negotiations with Marvin Hamlisch... We're forming a company.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, really? You and Marvin? So what is it to be? Babblish Productions or simply Hamcock?

Mr. Sheffield: [C.C.]'s more valuable to me than I thought.
Niles: True, sir. People with pets live longer.

[When Fran tells him Val's boyfriend did something indecent]
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, isn't it possible you just backed into a drawer or something?
Fran: Look, if a drawer could do that, I'd be living at Ethan Allen's.

Fran: Ms. Babcock, I was wondering if you'd like to~
C.C.: Love to!
Fran: You didn't even know what I was about to~
C.C.: My treat!
Fran: Okay. Gee, I'm famished. We'll have so much to talk about. It'll be great!
C.C.: Like what?
Fran: Er... we'll drink.

Fran: [Differnt voice] You know that [wasabi] really clears up the nasal passages.

Mr. Sheffield: I just can't be genuinely insincere the way Ms. Babcock is. I tried calling everyone sweetie darling like she does. Now Harvey Fierstein's making Pesto for me on Thursday.
Niles: [Holding a phone] Excuse me, sir. It's Harvey Fierstein. Regarding the Pesto, can you digest pine nuts?
Mr. Sheffield: OH MY GOD!!
Niles: You know what, Harv, put his nuts on the side.

[About Val's two-timing boyfriend]
Fran: What a sly!
Val: Lowlife!
Fran: What a sleaze!
Val: Ugh!
Fran: Some hell of a kisser, huh?
Val: Wasn't he?

Love Is A Many Blundered Thing [3.19]

Brighton: What is it with girls and Valentine's Day? They send you those stupid cards and they expect you to talk to them and ask them out. I'm not doing it!
Fran: No one sent you a card?
Brighton: No.

Grace: So, Fran, who's your date with?
Fran: Remember that really cute guy, Jeff, the cop that I went out with once?
Grace: Was that the date you had when I was in the 3rd grade or the one you had when I was in the 4th?
Fran: You wanna make it to the 5th?

Niles: [Mr. Sheffield] always tells me everything.
Fran: Don't you mean you read his mail, listen at the door and eavesdrop on the intercom?
Niles: Well, for backup.

Niles: No one can eat a full five-course meal in under 10 minutes.
Fran: [Laughs] You obviously have never broken the Yom Kippur fast at my mother's house.

Fran: Hi, Jeff! Thank you! You too! Just lucky!
Jeff: What?
Fran: Well, weren't you gonna say: "Great dress! Good to see you!" and "Where'd you ever find a purse to match those shoes"?

[Teaching Brighton a lesson]
Fran: Guess who's picking you up from school tomorrow? My mother!
Brighton: So?
Fran: Straight from jazzercise in her thong leotards. And you know, she don't wait outside neither. She'd wanna come in and meet all your little friends.
Brighton: [Higher-pitched] So?
Fran: Maybe she'll even do her flash dance. You know, she's a maniac.
Brighton: [Repentant] No! I'm sorry! I'll be a good boy!
Fran: It is too late, mister. You'd better watching your back and sleeping with one eye opened! And brush your teeth after every meal! [Gets a look] What? I'm still his nanny!

Val: [After falling from a billboard] I'm okay I landed in someone's terrace garden. Ooh, there's a party inside. lost of cute guys.
Fran: Get help! And phone numbers!
Val: But there's no girls. Just cute guys.
Fran: Get recipes!

Mr. Sheffield: That is one miserable way to spend Valentine's Day.
C.C.: [Enters]
Niles: And here's another.

Your Feet's Too Big [3.20]

Fran: I don't know how I ever lasted as a model. I mean, every week, piling on all that hair and makeup, squishing into those tight clothes. I'll tell ya, I don't miss it at all.

Sylvia: [Enters] Oh, Fran, I'm so upset. I don't even know how I got here.
Fran: Well, I see some Ray's Pizza Sauce, some sauerkraut and some sprinkles from Baskin Robbins. I'd say you took the subway to 59th street and walked through Lexington Avenue.
Sylvia: Go ahead, make fun. Meanwhile, my life is over. Your father is not attracted to me anymore. I even tried surprising him at the door naked.
Fran: Ma, you didn't!!
Sylvia: I did. Meanwhile, you will never see another Jehovah's Witness in our block again.

[At the plastic surgeon's office]
Fran: Ma, don't get carried away. He's gonna try and talk you into a bunch of stuff you really don't need. Now you're a beautiful woman. I hope when I'm your age I look like you.
Dr. Roberts: You will... Aging is determined by your genes. Look at the bone structure. Look at the jaw. Look at the eyes, the lips. Behold: The future.
Fran: [Grabs the doctor desperately] CAN'T SOMETHING BE DONE?!!!

Mr. Sheffield:
Fran: What kind of bizarre world are you living in?
Mr. Sheffield: With age comes wisdom.
Fran: Yeah, for a man, wisdom and a 20-year-old bimbo...Ma's doctor said as you get older, your appendages keep growing. More good news for men.

Mr. Sheffield: People want to do business with me because I'm, well, cute. Big bushy hair, English accent. I'm a one-man mop-top British invasion.

Sylvia: I'm not having my arms done. I decided to grow old gracefully with dignity and honor.
Fran: Insurance didn't cover it?
Sylvia: No. Daddy's policy doesn't cover elective surgery. I have to be in our home and run over by farm equipment.

Niles: I think Ms. Fine made it up that your hair is thinning because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.
Mr. Sheffield: That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem! Look, Niles, she's a young beautiful woman. What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?!
Niles: Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something. [Sprays cologne on him] After all, you're a man, she's a woman, fill in the blanks. The children are at the school, she's lying on the sofa and if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry. I don't usually sleep during the day... Well, yeah, I do but you don't usually catch me!

'[Referencing one of Fran's daydreams]
Mr. Sheffield: I just thought with the house empty, that would leave you and me free to...
Fran: To?
Mr. Sheffield: To go to the reunion together.
Fran: The reunion?! That's not the way it went! Go back! Go back!
Sylvia: Fran! Fran!!
Fran: Not that far! Not that far!

Mr. Sheffield: Every morning when I look in the mirror, I still see the face of a man in his twenties.
Fran: That's funny. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I hope to see the face of a man in his twenties.

[When Grace is worried that Fran will leave]
Fran: Honey, I'm not going anywhere until I've got a house in Great Neck, a couple of kids and a husband waiting outside the Loehmann's dressing room.
Mr. Sheffield: See, sweetheart? She'll be here forever.

Where's The Pearls? [3.21]

Fran: Just seeing the kids off to school.
Mr. Sheffield: They left an hour ago.
Fran: It's a clear day. I can see forever.

Elizabeth Taylor: So are you Maxwell's wife?
Fran: No, I just work for him. Actually, I've never been married.
Elizabeth Taylor: Not even once?
Fran: Well, you know, there was this one time but then I thought about it~
Elizabeth Taylor: [Laughs] That was your mistake, dear.

[Responses to Elizabeth Taylor's appearance]
Sylvia: This meeting bestows an honor upon me which is unparalleled within my universe.
Niles: Oh, how do you do, Tiss Maylor? I'm Biles the Nutler.... That's not right, is it?

Fran: [In a taxi] You know, it isn't so much the half-eaten McBLT that bothers me so much. It's the fact that they discontinued them in '94.
Cozette: [The driver, sarcastically] Oh my God, I didn't realize I had Princess Caroline from Monaco on my back seat. Forgive me, your highness. I didn't recognize you with your Priscilla Presley hairdo.

Fran: I was just talking to my girlfriend, Elizabeth Taylor.
Cozette: Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher~
Fran: [Joins in] ~Burton Burton Warner Fortensky? [They laugh] No wonder her hips keep breaking down.

Doctor: [Fran]'s gonna be just fine. But I have to warn you, she's not quite all there.
Niles: No, no, that's normal.
Doctor: She bruised her brain and is experiencing some loss of memory.
Sylvia: *GASP* Memory loss?
Yetta: Don't worry. It'll come back. The same thing happened to me once.
Sylvia: When?
Yetta: When what?

[Fran has amnesia]
Grace: I'm Gracie.
Brighton: I'm Brighton.
Maggie: I'm Maggie.
Fran: Wait a minute. This seems familiar to me. Say, did I ever sing on some Austrian hillside with a really butch haircut?
Mr. Sheffield: So how are you feeling?
Fran: I feel pretty good but I think this bump on the head really screwed with my nasal passages. Can you imagine going through life like this?
Fran: Who are you?
Yetta: I'm your grandma.
Fran: Boy, I'm lucky. I think everything worked out just the way I thought it would. I'm married to a great-looking guy and I have three gorgeous children.
Yetta: Honey, you got hit on the head. You're a little confused. The two big ones are from a previous marriage.
Mr. Sheffield: I'm not your husband.
Fran: Oh my God, we're not married?!!!
Mr. Sheffield: Truth is: I hired you.
Fran: I'm a hooker?!! That explains my shoes.
Fran: Can I ask you a question? I have been dressing like this for three years and there's nothing going on between us?
Mr. Sheffield: That's right. I'm your employer.
Fran: And what is it you do again?
Mr. Sheffield: I produce musical theater.
Fran: Ah! Now it's all making sense to me.

Mr. Sheffield: Is there any sign of Ms. Fine's memory returning?
Niles: Well, she couldn't find her room but she was able recall the numbers on your American Express Gold Card and your mother's maiden name.

Niles: Excuse me, sir. Ms. Babcock's on the phone for you but I'll just tell her you'll call right back... right after Ms. Fine and you get out of the jacuzzi.

[Singing to How Much Is That Doggie In The Window]
Sylvia: How much is that dress in Macy's window?
Fran: Who cares? It'll be at Loehmann's on sale.

The Hockey Show [3.22]

Fran: Who knew I could get the night off just by dating a famous athlete? Well, so much for Jewish guys.

Fran: [When the guys fight to open the door for star athlete] Would you look at yourselves acting like a bunch of idiots over some guy? Believe me, it's cuter on me.

Brighton: Finally, I know someone who's got some pull.
Mr. Sheffield: Excuse me but I have gotten us some front row seats in my time.
Brighton: Yeah, but we're talking about smelling the Rangers, not Carol Channing.

Fran: I don't care if I ever get married. Meanwhile, my mother has a sudden urge to jump out the window and she doesn't know why.

Fran: You ask yourself: "Do I feel lucky tonight?" Well, do ya, punk?

Mr. Sheffield: Margaret, if you were Ms. Fine, what car would you like to drive?
Maggie: Uh... my husband's.

Fran: I did a striptease for him in the locker room and scared the hell out of him. Wait, that didn't sound right.

That's Midlife [3.23]

Fran: My neck is killing me. Who knew a tennis match would be so strenuous? Agassi's tush, Sampras' tush, Agassi's tush, Sampras' tush...

Mr. Sheffield: C.C., you are amazing.
C.C.: Thank you, Maxwell.
Mr. Sheffield: But don't you want to know why?
C.C.: Why push?

Fran: Brighton, c'mon, let's go play tennis.
Brighton: Sorry, Fran, I've gotta read "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Friday.
Fran: Brighton, I have two words for you: Blockbuster Video.

Fran: Niles, [Mr. Sheffield] is really going over the deep end about this. This must be some kind of underlying problem. And do you know what that is?
Grace: Daddy's inability to cope with minor setbacks indicating a larger and deeper emotional problem?
Fran: There's no point in me saying it 'cause she already did. Obviously, he needs some therapy.... I'll get him there. And do you know how?
Grace: Under false pretences by telling Dr. Gordon needs to talk to him about me when in reality, this session's for him?
Fran: There's no point in me saying it 'cause she already did.

Fran: Dr. Brothers, I have read everyone of your books. "The Language Of Feelings".
Dr. Brothers: That's David Viscott.
Fran: "Ten Stupid Things Women Do."
Dr. Brothers: Laura Schlessinger.
Fran: You're much taller in person.
Dr. Brothers: Dr. Ruth.

Dr. Brothers: He's just going through a little mid-life crisis. It's common among men his age.
Fran: You know, I've read about that. Next thing you know, he'll be trying to prove his virility with the next gorgeous young thing to cross his path... Outta my way, Joyce!

Mr. Sheffield: C.C., life is short. You should go back to doing what you were did when you were young.
Niles: Sir, there's so little call nowadays for Civil War nurses.

Fran: You dyed your gray streak?!!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!... That was my gray streak! I caused it and it was mine to remove!

Fran: Mr. Sheffield is going through a mid-life crisis and I don't know how to pull him out of it.
Sylvia: Marry him.
Fran: How's that gonna help him?
Sylvia: Who cares? Better we should be happy.

Fran: Oh my God, ma, look at what he did! He bought himself a Porsche. Now what does he think that's gonna get him?
Sylvia: Mrs. Feldman's daughter, Mrs. Lieberman's daughter, Mrs. Weintraub's daughter...

Green Card [3.24]

Mr. Sheffield: You are getting a [French] tutor.
Fran: A tutor?! That's not how you learn a foreign language. You've gotta go to the country and immerse yourself in the culture~
Mr. Sheffield: Forget it, Ms. Fine. You are not getting a trip to Paris.
Niles: I tried that when I wanted to perfect my Swedish meatballs. He sent me to Ikea.

Val: Having kids is hard work. I wouldn't know where to start.
Fran: How about by getting a date?

Fran: Meanwhile, I gotta spend the whole afternoon interviewing French tutors for Brighton.
Val: What happened to the one Mr Sheffield liked: Nanette?
Fran: Nono. It's a good thing Mr Sheffield put me in charge of this because unlike a man, I will hire a tutor based solely on their academic credentials. [Opens the door and a gorgeous man walks in)
Phillippe: Bonjour.
Fran: You're hired.

Fran: Ooh, croissants! [Pronounced croy-sants]
Niles: [Correcting her] Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you but more nasal.

Philippe: [To Brighton] Say it as though you were speaking to an exquisite woman, huh? [Turns to Fran] Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Je t'adore, Je t'adore.
Fran: Honey, even I understood that. Go shut the door.

[British vs. French]
Phillippe: One thing a French can spot a mile away is a cuckold.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, really? I would have thought that would have been a plate of stinky cheese.
Phillippe: Blimey!
Mr. Sheffield: Frog!
Phillippe: The only good thing to come out of your country is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Mr. Sheffield: Snail eater.
Phillippe: Your queen looks like a man.... Kissing an Englishman is like kissing your mother.

[When Philippe proposed]
Mr. Sheffield: Just what exactly are you saying?
Fran: What are you saying?
Mr. Sheffield: I'm not saying anything!
Fran: Bingo! Au revoir!

Sylvia: What?!! What's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone?
Fran: [Shows off her engagement ring] Happy Mother's Day!
Sylvia: [Screams in delight then sobers] Are you pregnant?
Fran: No! [They jump for joy]

Mr. Sheffield: Have you ever heard such utter rot? "Our two souls met in an explosion of love..." Couldn't you just retch?
Niles: Quite right, sir. Too flowery. Not nearly as seductive as "MS FINE!!!!"

'[Catching Philippe with C.C.]
Niles: Did CaCa do a no-no in the kitchen?

Ship Of Fran's [3.25]

Mr. Sheffield: I booked the royal suite on the top deck. Magnificent panoramic views.
Fran: We got the Jules Verne cabin. We're 20,000 leagues under the sea.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I cannot believe Ms. Fine is going on a cruise just because some psychic told her she had a date with destiny. Would you pay someone if they only tell you what you want to hear?
Niles: Absolutely, sir. You are so clever. And witty. And handsome.

Fran: So tell me, what's the plan for the big event?
Mr. Sheffield: You ready for this? I'm taking the entire family on a cruise.
Fran: That's fabulous! I inspired ya. Where you going?
Mr. Sheffield: The Caribbean.
Fran: That's fabulous! Just like me! What cruise line?
Mr. Sheffield: Celebrity.
Fran: That's fabulous! Me too!
Mr. Sheffield: I know. We're coming with you.
Fran: What?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, wasn't it your idea that Brighton should have a big bar mitzvah-like to do?
Fran: You bar mitzvah on land! We're desert people! We don't like to get wet! That's why we parted the Red Sea!

Captain: Welcome aboard the Century, ladies. I'm your captain.
Fran: [With Yetta hanging onto her] How do you do? I'm Fran Fine and this is my birth control device.
Yetta: You look so different without your blue uniform and your big handlebar mustache.
Fran: Yetta, that's Cap'n Crunch.
Yetta: I know who it is. That picture on the box must have been taken years ago.

Fran: So, Val, did you get the dining room menu?
Val: Yeah, it's right here. The late seating offers a doctor across from us with an accountant on the side. And the early comes with two Italian couples but we're literally on top of the seafood bar.
Fran & Val: Seafood bar.

Fran: [Talking to a potential suitor] That's Grandma Yetta. She's sharp as a tack.
Yetta: Hard to believe I've got a granddaughter over 30.
Fran & Sylvia: She's senile.

Mr. Sheffield: You can't trust him. He won't make you happy.
Fran: I don't want to be happy. I want to be married.

Fran: Oh my God! A stowaway! No wonder he wanted to sleep with me! He didn't have a room!

A Pup In Paris [3.26]

Niles: Grandma Yetta called and said she's on her way. I don't know why she wouldn't let me send the limo for her so she could stretch out in back.
Fran: Honey, at her age, she's not looking to stretch out in the back of any long black car.

Mr. Sheffield: I told mother no one should get a hold of their trust fund until they're at least 30 years old.
Brighton: 30?!! I'm not gonna have a date 'til I'm 30!
Fran: Honey, at least when you turn 30, you'll be rich. When I turn 30, I'll be... 40.

[When Mr. Sheffield leaves for Paris]
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my goodness! Look at the time! I'll miss my flight!
Fran: Oh, well. Shalimar!
Mr. Sheffield: That's au revoir, Ms. Fine.
Fran: No, I meant Shalimar, as in duty free. But I'll be happy with whatever you bring me back. Chanel.

Brighton: You know, Fran, I don't want to say anything here but I think this dog is dead.
Fran: Calm down. He's not dead. He's just sleeping.
Yetta: I get that all the time.

Maggie: How much do you know about the Titanic?
Yetta: Top of the line! They had a midnight buffet on deck. And the ice sculpture - HUGE!

Mr. Sheffield: I can assure you this woman is involved with me, or anyone else for that matter.
Fran: Go to the window. I don't think Brussels heard you!

Nigel: [To Mr. Sheffield] Here comes the lecture. If you put a martini in one hand and father's jewels in the other, you could be mother.

Mr. Sheffield: Let's see, it's only 4 o'clock now. So what do you want to do between now and then?
Fran: Let me see. What can a man and woman do to kill a couple of hours in Paris?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine.
Fran: Oh, c'mon, Mr. Sheffield. Right now! Let's go! Take me... shopping!!

Mr. Sheffield: I'm gonna get my passion back!
Fran: Well, I'm right behind ya, baby!
Mr. Sheffield: First thing I'm gonna do is tell my brother: "Good show!" Then I'm gonna ring my mother and tell her to sod off!
Fran: And the passion part would kick in exactly where?
Mr. Sheffield: Right now! I'm gonna go for it, Ms. Fine! I'm gonna grab the bra-string! I'm gonna get back in touch and just do it!
Fran: Go! Grab! Touch! Do! Did I mention touch?
Mr. Sheffield: For God's sakes, I'm in Paris with a beautiful woman! C'mon, let's blow this nightclub and see where life takes us!
Fran: [Purrs in delight]
[Next scene]
Fran: [Sarcastically] Yup, taking the next plane [home] was definitely the right thing to do.

[During turbulence]
Fran: What the hell was that?!
Mr. Sheffield: Just a little bump in the road.
Fran: What, we hit a deer?!! We're in the air!

Season 4

The Tart With Heart [4.1]

Fran: Oh my God, you're taking back the THING?!!

C.C.: Nanny Fine, don't be hurt just because I'm closer to little Gretel than you are.
Fran: Gretel never said that!
C.C.: Aren't we defensive? There's nothing wrong with being just a pretty face. In fact, it's a plus if you have no skills.
Fran: I've got skills!
C.C.: Nanny Fine, identifying what's in the Godivas without a guide is not a skill. C'mon! You must know the only reason you got this job is because of your looks.
Fran: Hey! Hey! That is not true! I got this job because I lied on my resume.

Fran: What is it with guys? Why do they always think just because you're at a singles bar with a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto heels, you're looking for action?
Jack: Why do women think that guys expect them to jump into bed every time they try to buy them a drink? Now, potato skins, I get you both.
Fran: I don't think so.
Val: Speak for yourself. I haven't had a potato skins in three years.

Fran: [To her literally blind date] Did you have any trouble finding the place?
Jack: No more than usual.

Fran: Jack, you are so well adjusted. You have your own law firm and you sculpt and you skydive.
Jack: Oh, no, no, I had to give that up.
Fran: Why?
Jack: The dog kept throwing up.

Fran: I think that you should know someone a little better before you start pegging him with such deadly accuracy.

Sylvia: What's with the women's lib all of a sudden? When did you become Gloria Estefan?
Fran: That's Gloria Steinbrenner, ma.

Sylvia: So why did he take it back?
Fran: Because he doesn't respect me. To him, I'm just another pretty face.
Sylvia: Darling, that is crap... He took it back because he's a basket case... We don't have the market on guilt, you know. Guilt over the late wife, guilt over the kids, guilt over marrying out of his class...
Fran: Ma, I think you're right. It isn't me. It's him. I never realized how tortured and unhappy he is. This makes me feel so much better.

Fran: I've been thinking about what happened and...I understand.
Mr. Sheffield: You do?
Fran: You're emotionally farkakt.

The Cradle Robbers [4.2]

Mr. Sheffield: Alright, young lady, you've got some explaining to do! Now start talking!
Maggie: Daddy, I~
Mr. Sheffield: I don't want to hear it! Now go upstairs to your room!
Maggie: Why don't you trust me to go out with him?
Mr. Sheffield: Because I was a 25-year-old boy once and I had nothing on my mind but sex, women and how to combine them.

Fran: I was 17 once too. I snuck out all the time. Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend. I just wanted to eat bacon.

Maggie: I don't know why dad is making such a big deal about me dating an older guy.
Fran: 'Cause he's concerned about your welfare. Look at Anna Nicole Smith. She marries a guy 60 years older than her. He dies. All she's left with is his fortune.
Maggie: So?
Fran: So sometimes they live.

Mr. Sheffield: Who told you to call the doctor?
Niles: Ms. Fine.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, excuse me but when did she become master of the house?
Niles: Three years ago, September.

Grace: I had a crush on an older guy once. *sigh* He used to bring me all those gifts.
Fran: Sweetie, that was Santa.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, about this Maggie-John situation, I've got the perfect solution.
Mr. Sheffield: All I want to hear is that Margaret is never seeing that boy again, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Fine. That's exactly what you're gonna hear. [Goes to his deaf side]
[Recites Flipper's theme]
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
Mr. Sheffield: Well, go on.
And we know Flipper lives in a world full of wonder,
Lying there under, under the sea! [Goes to his hearing side]
And then she'll dump him. Whaddya think?
Mr. Sheffield: Fabulous! Fabulous! Keep up the good work!

[Mr. Sheffield is deaf on one ear]
Niles: Call for you on Line 1, sir. Christopher Plummer.
Mr. Sheffield: Finally! Now get round here and fix my blasted toilet!

Mike: I call the accountant number and say: "You call this a tax refund?!!" $200!
John: A lot more than I got back.
Fran: I got back $2500 after I declared all my dependents.
Mike: Fran, you're a single woman. What dependents?
Fran: I support a lot of people. Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren...

Mr. Sheffield: I caught Margaret making out with that boy from her class. God, I am so happy!!!

Fran: What'd the doctor say?
Mr. Sheffield: It seems I'm suffering from some short-term hearing loss. Could be a virus or prolonged exposure to an unusual frequency or pitch.
Fran: That's funny. I lived here and never had that problem... Must be a virus.

The Bird's Nest [4.3]

[At Loehmann's sale]
Shopper: Excuse me please. I had this sweater first.
Fran: I believe you're mistaken.
Shopper: I've got the cuff.
Fran: I've got the armpit.
Shopper: [Grabs Grace] I've got your kid.
Fran: Hah! She's not mine.
Shopper: Listen, I'm warning you. My nicotine patch fell off, my mother's in town and my boyfriend just left me for my brother.
Fran: I'm over 30, single and I work for her!

Fran: I thought you said you hated cats.
Mr. Sheffield: I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats. Here, Shoes.
Fran: Shoes?
Mr. Sheffield: Roger Clinton's cat from next door. Socks' his sister.
Fran: Shoes and Socks? And these are the people they think are clever enough to orchestrate Whitewater?

Fran: Who knows more about eggs just sitting around going to waste more than me?
C.C.: Hello.

Fran: B, I'm not supposed to help you!
Brighton: C'mon, Fran! You've always helped me. You're like a mother to me.
Fran: Forget it, B! It's not gonna work.
Brighton: Of course, you're far too young to be a mother.
Fran: All right, it worked.

[C.C. is angry at Mr. Sheffield for missing a romantic rendezvous, not knowing it was a prank by Niles]
C.C.: What happened to our little meeting at the Regency?
Mr. Sheffield: [Thinking she means his business meeting there] I decided to handle it myself.
C.C.: Maxwell, I have loved to have helped you.
Mr. Sheffield: I appreciate that, C.C., but it went much faster without you.

Maggie: I hate "An Affair To Remember". Why are you making me watch this?
Fran: [Sobbing] Tell him you can't walk! Tell him he ruined your life! Make him feel guilty! [To Maggie] She's obviously not Jewish.

Fran: How can you spend so long at a mall?
Brighton: This from a woman that once spent two hours at Potato-Potato-Potato.
Fran: There are 80 toppings, dear.

Fran: Hey, B, I think we can salvage this egg.
Brighton: How?!!
Fran: Er.... got any salt?

Fran: Niles, I was thinking Mr. Sheffield was right. If I help Brighton with his project, it's only going to hurt him.
Niles: You've already gotten involved and screwed up?
Fran: Yeah.

Niles: What is your secret?
Fran: I keep telling you, Niles. Big hair and short skirt. It's what got Mel Gibson the Oscar.

The Rosie Show [4.4]

Rosie: That's my lovely assistant telling me that my son will not go down for his nap.
Fran: Turn on C-SPAN. Those senators put each other to sleep.

Sylvia: Fran, you were born to be front of the camera. It's in your genes. I was gonna be a model but you know what stopped me?
Fran: What's in your jeans.

Fran: Our people might have enjoyed Hogan's Heroes but that doesn't mean that we're gonna go out and drive a Mercedes. All right, we may drive a Mercedes but that doesn't mean that we'd fly Lufthansa.. unless we have mileage.

Rosie: "Dear Fran, my son sits too close to our TV set when he's watching. What should I do?" From Mary, in Daken.
Fran: Well, Mary, here's the thing. Get a bigger TV. This way, his head will be comparatively smaller and it won't block your view, honey.
Rosie: This from Jackie Hall, in New Jersey. "Dear Fran, I choose not to breastfeed but my husband thinks I should. What should I do?"
Fran: Well, that depends, Jackie. Do you have any children?

Niles: Ms. Fine and Ms. Babcock walking arm-in arm. Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Fran: Oh, Maggie, a hickey?!! Did you really think that you were gonna hide a hickey from me with a little face powder? You need oil-based concealer!

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, fetch me a bottle of champagne, would you?
Niles: To toast Ms. Fine's success?
Mr. Sheffield: No, to shoot my eye out with the cork!

Fran: We're meeting Uma and Uda to see Emma with Oprah. Then dinner with Keira, Courtney and Keanu with... what's that place again? I'm so bad with names.

[About Yetta's dream from Bubby Sophie]
Yetta: She told me you were gonna come home from work and kiss a perky brunette at the door and take a terrible fall over the ottoman.
Sylvia: Ma, that's the opening of the Dick Van Dyke Show.
Yetta: I'm telling you it was in this very house! Look, [Points to Brighton] here's Richie. [Points to mirror] And there's Millie!

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured I should be a part of it.

Mr. Sheffield: There you are, Ms. Fine. Where have you been? Hanging with the hip crowd?
Fran: Nah, visiting Yetta. I was with the hip replacement crowd.

Frieda Needa Man [4.5]

Sylvia: How did such a shmegege become so rich?
Fran: This from a woman who voted for Ross Perot?

[About Aunt Frieda's audition]
C.C.: How many arrangements does that human karaoke know?
Fran: That depends. Has she already done her tribute to Chaka Khan?

Fran: I hope he knows he doesn't have forever because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.
Mr. Sheffield: Good bloody luck to her catching one because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub" and rarely marry those who spit.

Fran: It's okay, Fred. You can talk to me.
Fred: I don't want to bother you. You look like you're in the middle of something.
Fran: Yeah, my child-bearing years.

Fred: You must really love your aunt. She'd be moved.
Fran: Moving my aunt is a big priority.... Fred, if you don't leave here with Frieda, I'll regret it for the rest of my life~ Did I say "I"?

Sylvia: Don't you yell at my daughter, Nettie. [Turns to Fran] What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you so desperate to get married?!! WHERE IS THIS INSANITY COMING FROM?!!!

[Visiting Fred in hospital]
Mr. Sheffield: I've an 8am appointment. Niles, would you let C.C. know what happened?
Niles: I already phoned her, sir. Told her a certain millionaire suffered a heart attack in Ms. Fine's bed.
C.C.: [Rushes in] MAXWELL!!! [Looks at him] You're alright?
Niles: Oh dear, you thought I meant him?

[At Fred's hospital bed]
Frieda: His color is not so good.
Fran: That hose you're standing on might have something to do with it.

Frieda: I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown. C'mon, kids, come help zip me up.
Brighton: I'll get the pliers.

Me And Mrs. Joan [4.6]

[At an art gallery]
Mr. Sheffield: You notice, Ms. Fine, how voluptuous and fleshy this nude is. This artist was possibly inspired by Rubens.
Fran: Well, if you ask me, she had one too many Reubens herself.
Mr. Sheffield: No, Ms. Fine. Back then, a full figure was the standard for beauty.
Fran: Meanwhile, if it was today, you'd see her sitting around a piano bar singing show tunes with her three gay friends.
Mr. Sheffield: [Notices someone in the gallery] Oh my God, it's my father!
Fran: You know, my uncle Louie started to develop breasts at around 60...
James: James Sheffield, Maxwell's father.
Fran: Fran Fine, Maxwell's... well, depends on what day it is.
James: Son, give the old man a hug, huh?
Mr. Sheffield: [Contemptuously] Why? Don't you get enough hugs from that secretary you abandoned your family for? [Aside, to Fran] Trollop.
Fran: What'd I do?
Mr. Sheffield: Maxwell, I never set out to hurt your mother. She's a lovely woman. [Aside, to Fran] Shrew.
Fran: [Offended] Well, I'll take it from him but you I just met!
Mr. Sheffield: It's been wonderful seeing you, father. Why don't we do this again in, say, another ten years? [Leaves]
James: Maxwell! That's it? Walk away? Put a dagger through your father's heart? I could be dead in a year! Then you'll be sorry!
Fran: Oh my God! You're Jewish?

Mr. Sheffield: The last time my father and I dined together, it almost came to blows.
Fran: You should see my family at Fung Lung's when they say they're out of Mushi pork.
Niles: Pork, Ms. Fine?
Fran: Doesn't count when it's Chinese food. Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for last time? I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.
Mr. Sheffield: No. Unlike my father, I'm not about to abandon my responsibilities for sexual gratification with some cheap floozy who works for me.
Fran: WHY?!!

Niles: [Answering the door] Sir.
James: Niles! You don't look a day older than when you worked for me.
Niles: That was my father, sir.
James: Ah. In that case, you look like hell.

[When Yetta and Sylvia enter]
Mr. Sheffield: Here they are. Naomi and Wynonna.

Joan: I'm proud of the fact that my father worked on the tube for 30 years.
Fran: My father sat in front of the tube for 40.
Joan: Do you know before I worked for James, I almost got a job at the Buckingham Palace doing the queen's hair?
Fran: I almost got a job in the Village doing hair on queens!

Joan: Isn't this delightful? Where did you get the exquisite shrimp?
Yetta: I came with her.
Joan: No, dear. I meant the crustacean.
Yetta: Oh... She's my daughter.

Yetta: Anyone seen "Babe"? How'd they get that pig to learn all those lines?...What am I, nuts?! A pig can't learn lines. He musta used cue cards.

Fran: *GASP* You're MARRIED?
Joan: Mm-hmm.
Fran: [Slaps Maxwell] Isn't that delightful?

Sylvia: I feel faint. I need something.
Niles: I'll get you water.
Sylvia: No, steak! I need protein!

The Taxman Cometh [4.7]

Niles: [Mr. Sheffield] is speaking at Brighton's Career Day. I supposed they'll ask me to speak when they have a "Don't Let This Happen To You" Day.

C.C.: Chester loves the kennel. When I come to take him home, he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.

Mr. Sheffield: It's bad enough having your dog here. [Fran enters] Always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time...
Fran: SHHHHH! Does anybody need to know our business?

Yetta: He reminds me of my dog, Al. I couldn't stand to have him sleep on the bed with his stupid pug face. Always drooling and the gas that emanated from that animal!
Fran: Yetta, that was grandpa.

Fran: A tax audit?! Why are they picking on me?
Niles: Could it be because you declared an adopted foreign child named Haagen-Dazs?
Fran: Listen, I have spent a lot of quality time with that bundle of joy.

Fran: Ma, when are you gonna stop torturing yourself by watching that old tape of you and daddy on "Let's Make A Deal"? You traded Paris for the ostrich. It's never gonna change.
Sylvia: Meanwhile, it's the best stew we ever had.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you know, I cleared the whole afternoon for this and it's still early so I thought maybe you and I could do something really sinful.
Fran: [Flirtatiously] Oh...Mr. Sheffield, you are clairvoyant.
Mr. Sheffield: What do you say to a pizza with everything on it?
Fran: [Sarcastically] It's uncanny.

An Affair To Dismember [4.8]

Fran: Meanwhile, would you look at what my day consists of? Buy Brighton's socks, take Grace to therapy, pick up Mr. Sheffield's prescription...
Val: Please. My heart bleeds for you. There are two words on my list: "Don't jump".

Mr. Sheffield: Oh dear, Niles, what is it this time? Your job? Your weight? No future?
Niles: Actually, I was just wondering why I don't have a social life but you cleared that right up for me. Thank you, sir.

[About clubs]
Nigel: So you really like this place?
Fran: I tell ya, it's already got one major thing going for it. I'm not outside in line hugging Val to try and keep warm.

Niles: Good things come to wait, sir. Unless they wait too long and then they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.

Nigel: You know, Fran, I could have sworn when Max just walked in, you acted as if you were cheating on him.
Fran: What?! No! Just because I pushed you off of me and started to act defensive? Nah! You probably never had your parents catch you playing Spin The Bottle with your first cousin.

Fran: My God, [Nigel], you [and your brother] are like day and night! Cain and Abel! Tom and Dickie Smothers.

Maggie: It's just so great to be in love.
Fran: I know, sweetie. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. Hold on to it for as long as you possibly can. And remember: Always follow your heart.
Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back over to Shawn's.
Fran: That's not your heart talking.

Fran: You know how I always wanted to be a part of this family? And not just the nanny, but, you know, a real part, like if, God forbid, something happened, there were problems or strife, I could... get the house.

[Fran's planning to elope with Nigel but Mr. Sheffield doesn't know]
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, were you planning on seeing Nigel tonight?
Fran: I was thinking about it but if you don't want me to, if you think my place is to be here with you and my kids, just say the word.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, by all means, go. You two have a wonderful time together. Who knows when I'll finish up at the office. Don't sit around waiting for me. [Leaves]
Fran: [Deeply affected] Well, I know what I gotta do now... [Picks up the phone] Pizza Hut?

Mr. Sheffield: Don't you worry, Ms. Fine. I've got you.
Fran: Boy, do you ever.

Tattoo [4.9]

C.C.: Nanny Fine, I will be speaking to Broadway Impresarios. But I will seek your fashion expertise next time I'm dancing in a cage.

Fran: [Noticing Val's depressed] Fudge Brownie or Rocky Road?
Val: What do you mean "or"?

Fran: Honey, as long as I am living under your roof, you'll do as I say.

Niles: Would you like some more, Sylvia?
Sylvia: What, did we just meet?

Fran: I just found that he is really turned on by a certain little tattoo.
Val: Ugh! That guy from Fantasy Island?

Dr. Roberts: They do have a new procedure that freezes the muscles in your face so you never get lines.
Val: So I'd never get to smile again?
Dr. Roberts: That's right. You married?
Val: No.
Dr. Roberts: You rich?
Val: No.
Dr. Roberts: So what you got to smile about?

Sylvia: Fran, if you keep that tattoo, you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. It's either a bruised tucus or spending all of eternity without your family.
Fran: [Turns to plastic surgeon] Make it bigger.

Fran: [Holds up a skimpy bikini] Oh, Val, I just love this new bathing suit I got. Do you think Mr. Sheffield will be able to see my tattoo in this?
Val: Fran, he'll be able to see your liver in that.

Grace: You know I can't sleep when we're on a trip. Will you sleep with me?
Fran: [Thinks] Right words, wrong Sheffield.

The Car Show [4.10]

Fran: [Rushing in when she hears Roslyn Kind sing] Barbra! Barbra!
Roslyn: Barbra's sister.
Fran: Close enough! Same DNA! [Bows in worship]
C.C.: [Grabs her up] Nanny Fine, you are drooling on Roslyn's shoes.
Roslyn: Doesn't matter. They're my sister's.
Fran: Take them off! Take them off!
C.C.: Nanny Fine!!
Roslyn: This nut isn't working with us, is she?
Mr. Sheffield: Good heavens, no no no no. She takes care of my children.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what you give my children, you can't put a price on.
Fran: And yet you find six bucks an hour sufficient.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, it's not your fault. Sometimes, horrible accidents happen.
Niles: [Points to C.C.] Exhibit A.
Fran: I am going to win this Ms. Trans Am contest and make my platform animal rights. I am going to speak out for all the little creatures that no one cares about.
Niles: [Points to C.C. again] Exhibit B.

Fran: [Greeting Ms. America] Tara, hi! Fran Fine, Miss Subways, 1980-er... 90.
Tara: It's always nice to meet another pageant winner. What was your platform?
Fran: 59th and Lex. You know, we two have so much in common. We're both title holders and you can't married during the duration of your reign and I can't get married for the love of God.

Mr. Sheffield: C'mon, Ms. Fine. Let's go for a drive. You know what they say: When you fall off a horse, you've got to get right back on.
Fran: I'm Jewish. The closest I ever get to a horse is Polo at Ralph Lauren.
Mr. Sheffield: You'll drive us to the Paramus Mall. We'll tear buttons off things and get an extra 10% discount.
Fran: No, I can't.
Mr. Sheffield: You have to drive again, Ms. Fine.
Fran: No, I mean I've been barred from the Paramus Mall.

Fran: [About going to Barbra's house] I'm on a pilgrimage to meet my spiritual leader.

Niles: So what was she like? Did you actually get to talk to Ms. Streisand?
Fran: Uh-huh. I said: "I love you, my queen." And she said: "Put those boots back in my closet."

Fran: He was showing his love for me by acting like he was nauseous.

Fran: It is just so adorable how you can't really express the way you feel. Like all the times you yell and scream at me when in reality, you want to hug me.
Mr. Sheffield: Well...
Fran: And all those times when you fired me when in reality, you want to kiss me.
Mr. Sheffield: [Shyly] All right.
Fran: When you told me you love and you took it back when in reality...
Mr. Sheffield: No, actually, that I meant.
Fran: I hate you.
Mr. Sheffield: No, you don't. You really want to hug me.

Mr. Sheffield: I'm just saying I'm surprised that Barbra called you out of the blue and invited you back to her house.
Fran: What don't you get? We share the same heritage, we both have a distinctive voice. I had an Andre Agassi poster in my room, she had Andre Agassi.

Hurricane Fran [4.11]

Maggie: Guys come up with the lamest excuses.
Fran: [Sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Like when you told me you had that whisker burn all over your face from kissing my mother? Hello?
Maggie: Fran, that really happened.

Sylvia: [In tears] It's times like this you look up to God and ask: "Why? Why?!"
Mr. Sheffield: We can't ask why, Sylvia. It's nature. It's random. It's...
Sylvia: No! Why don't you marry my daughter?

Fran: We're gonna die!
Val: Shouldn't our life be flashing before our eyes?
Fran: Val, we're over 30, single and in bed with each other! What life?!

Fran: I am never leaving home again! Unless of course, you're dying to take a trip then we can always charter a yacht around the Greek Islands.

Danny's Dead And Who's Got The Will? [4.12]

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, I just wanted to tell you how sweet it is that you begged me to stay and meet your grandmother.
Mr. Sheffield: I believe my exact words were: "Would you please stop the crying and screaming? I give up! Stay!"

Eloise: That's an intriguing outfit.
Fran: Thanks. I got it half off.
Eloise: I was wondering where the rest of it was.

Eloise: C.C., my dear. You always look so beautiful. I don't understand. Are you single by choice?
Niles: Yes, but not hers.

Niles: Ms. Fine, it's your mother. She sounds hysterical.
Fran: She probably just got out of the shower and saw the mirror has two tucuses.

Fran: [Val], you are Rain Man without the math skills!

Harvey: I find it therapeutic to dwell.
Fran: You're Jewish?

Fran: Ma, I met this man at Danny's funeral.
Sylvia: Fabulous! He's Jewish?
Fran: Yeah, and a doctor.
Sylvia: Oh!
Fran: And he's gay.
Sylvia: So you seeing him again?

Fran: Don't you know that if you were, God forbid, in a coma, technically, I'm not considered family? I wouldn't be allowed to pull the plug. I should have at least have THAT much satisfaction.

Maggie: Dad, I don't know what you did to her but you'd better hope that she forgives you.
Mr. Sheffield: I didn't do anything to her!
Niles: Betcha wish you did now.

Eloise: Is there something going on between my grandson and your granddaughter?
Yetta: What are ya, senile?! They got teenage kids and they've only been married three years.

Kissing Cousins [4.13]

[At a singles bar]
Fran: I wish I could dance like that.
Val: You mean the swing?
Fran: No, I mean with a man.
C.C.: I just came for a tall Black Russian.
Fran: I'd be happy with a short tanned Jew.

[About Snow White]
Grace: This story really screws with women's heads. What is the woman out there supposed to do if they look more like Grumpy or Dopey.
Fran: That's why they sell Clinique.

Fran: So do you want children someday?
Bobby: Yes.
Fran: Is your mother alive?
Bobby: No.
Fran: Take me.

[Spoofing Dynasty]
Fran: [As Alexis] Hello, Lollique. You're look butch as always.
C.C.: [As Krystle] You're just jealous because I don't have to wear shoulder pads.

Fran: Raise your hand if you're in love.
Niles: [To Mr. Sheffield] Raise your hand if you're going to die a bitter lonely old Englishman.

Sylvia: What's this I hear you're going to the wedding with Val? You know what the family's going to think?
Fran: That I'm gay?
Sylvia: That, I don't mind. But you couldn't do better than Val?!

Mr. Sheffield: Oh, God, Ms. Fine! I can't take this anymore. Watching you with Bob, watching you with all these other dates, constantly getting involved with men who are no good for you. Ms. Fine, it's time I did something I should have done ages ago.
Fran: Mr. Sheffield, what are you saying? Wait a second! I have a feeling this is gonna be a memorable moment and I want to have my lips on.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I think it's time I send you to therapist.
Fran: Not a lipstick moment. [Starts sobbing] A pound cake moment.

[Fran's therapist does a little word association]
Dr. Miller: Male.
Fran: Husband.
Dr. Miller: Doctor.
Fran: And Mrs.
Dr. Miller: Pen.
Fran: Prenup.
Dr. Miller: We seem to be a little stuck here, Fran. Try opening up your mind to all possibilities.
Fran: Okay.
Dr. Miller: China.
Fran: Pattern.
Dr. Miller: Fish.
Fran: Or chicken.
Dr. Miller: Do you ever think of anything else besides marriage?
Fran: I do!
Dr. Miller: Fran, you're suffering from an obsession.
Fran: No, Dr. Miller, I don't have an obsession. I just really really really want to be married.
Dr. Miller: What you need is not a man, Fran. You need confidence. Until you start working on that, you'll end up in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship like I had with my ex-wife.
Fran: You're single?

[Another word association with her mother]
Dr. Miller: Happy.
Fran & Sylvia: Meal.
Dr. Miller: Cold.
Fran & Sylvia: Cuts.
Dr. Miller: House.
Fran & Sylvia: Of Pancakes.

The Fifth Wheel [4.14]

Fran: Dr. Miller says I should go out of the house without makeup on. That I should even tell people my real age.
Sylvia: What else does this "genius" have to say?
Fran: I don't know. I blacked out after that.

Niles: I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up on men. What did she do?
Fran: She tried to swallow a whole Rotisserie Chicken in her mouth like a python.
Niles: Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.
Fran: Oy, you try catching lightning in a bottle.

[C.C. learns that her online beau is Brighton]
Fran: Poor Ms. Babcock. You must feel like the biggest loser in the world right now. Why don't you come out with me and Val tonight? We'll change all that.
C.C.: Nanny Fine, give me one good reason I should go out with you.
Fran: Because you just broke up with a guy who still sees a pediatrician.

Niles: Ms. Babcock should be here! She's my home entertainment center!
Grace: Niles, can you get me a drink?
Niles: Happy hour doesn't start until you go home. [Turns to Mr. Sheffield] See? It just doesn't work.

Sylvia: See [Fran's] picture in this frame?
Mr. Sheffield: That's my family.
Sylvia: Hello!!

C.C.: Do you think this leather jacket is a little too come-hither for a gay club?
Fran: Personally, I have problems with tall blond Aryans with leather jackets. What makes you think the place is a gay club?
C.C.: I heard your mother scream at you for pursuing a sick alternative lifestyle.
Fran: Oh, she just meant being single.

Fran: I hope she's not planning on getting lucky tonight.
Niles: Why not?
Fran: Because she took my purse and the only protection I got is a picture of Ma.

C.C.: Why don't I choose a wine?
Fran: [Enters] Hello!
C.C.: But not that one.

Fran: Here's your whole problem. You got a King alone by himself and you got a Queen over there alone like a dog. Put your Queen on top of your King and see what happens.

The Nose Knows [4.15]

[After catching Mr. Sheffield with another woman]
Niles: [Serving breakfast to Mr. Sheffield] Tart, sir?
Fran: Been there, done that.

Dr. Miller: Now, listen to me carefully. He's your boss. You are the nanny.
Fran: Wow...
Dr. Miller: You mean no one's ever pointed it out to you before?
Fran: Oh, constantly. But when you're payed $140 an hour, it's got so much more resonance.

Mr. Sheffield: I can assure you, Ms. Fine, I am not jealous.
Fran: Denial.
Mr. Sheffield: I'm not in denial.
Fran: Denying denial.

Fran: I'll have a large popcorn, no butter, no oil, dry air-popped with a Diet Coke.
Attendant: Anything else?
Fran: Yeah, a Goobers, a large Snickers and a nachos with extra cheese.

Fran: Swear that you're not going to tell Mr. Sheffield. I built this guy up to be such a genius that I don't want to look like a shmegegee, you know?
Sylvia: Sweetheart, you live with him, you raise his three children without a ring on your finger, you're already a shmegegee.

[Not knowing she's talking about Dr. Miller picking his nose]
Mr. Sheffield: What did he do?
Sylvia: Let's just say he put his hand some place he shouldn't have.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! And nobody's going to do anything about it?!
Sylvia: What are you gonna do, call the police? They'd have to arrest every man on the subway.

Mr. Sheffield: [Knocking on her door] Ms. Fine, are you decent.
Fran: Yeah, but I can get indecent in a minute.

Fran: I might as well work through the trauma of seeing my parents in bed.
Mr. Sheffield: Having sex?
Fran: No, whitefish.

Dr. Miller: It is very common for a woman to idolize the men in her life hoping she will find one as perfect as her father.
Fran: Oh, you're right, doctor. A guy who sleeps all day, wears a bad wig and stinks of chopped liver doesn't fall off trees.

The Bank Robbery [4.16]

Mr. Sheffield: We wake up in bed together, you misinterpret it. We end up naked in the jacuzzi, you misinterpret it. And just because I ask you to marry me, you go- Oh, do shut up, you babbling British moron!

Yetta: She's just jealous because so many men are attracted to me. Even my doctor says I have charisma.
Fran: That's arrythmia, Yetta.

Val: Ooh, look. A space right in front of the bank.
Fran: Wait a minute, Val. This is handicapped parking.
Sylvia: It's okay. You're in therapy. You're an emotional cripple.

Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring!
Fran: Ma, he's a thief!
Sylvia: Who's going to be worth millions in a manner of minutes.

Yetta: Oh my God! Something terrible happened! I just heard it on the news!
Mr. Sheffield: What happened, Yetta?
Yetta: Wait a minute.... I lost it.
Grace: Don't worry, Yetta. You told me in case you forgot.
Yetta: Who are you?
Mr. Sheffield: Grace, just tell me what happened.
Grace: Fran and Sylvia are being held hostage in a bank robbery.
Yetta: This is how you break bad news to an old woman?!!

Mr. Sheffield: How is Ms. Fine and her mother?
Val: Well, so far it's quiet.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! He's killed her!

Sylvia: I'm a hippo-glycemic. If I don't eat something soon, it may be fatal.
Leslie: You're not gonna die.
Fran: She meant you.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, may I confess something to you?
Niles: I'm not a priest, sir, but I'm this close to living the life of one.

Val: The bank robber took your mother!
Fran: Oh, no! That poor man!

Samson, He Denied Her [4.17]

Mr. Sheffield: For God's sake, Ms. Fine, when are you going to forgive me for this?
Fran: I'll give you a little hint. It begins with an N and ends with an A. Neva!

Fran: Oh my God! This is the Vincenzo trial! I've just gotta get on this jury. He is on the cover of every romance novel!
C.C.: *GASP*
Fran: You know him?
C.C.: No, you read?!

C.C.: I am the meat in an idiot sandwich.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, Sylvia's been calling you for ten minutes. Why haven't you answered her?
Niles: She was calling from the tub, sir.

Niles: [About Sylvia's smelling abilities] If Jimmy Hoffa had a corn beef sandwich in his pocket, she'd have found him in a week.

C.C.: [Frustrated with Fran] I have been stuck in that hotel room with you for 8 days. I'm singing myself to sleep with: "A horse is a horse, of course, of course"!

Juror #4: You like a sensitive guy?
C.C.: Yes. I used to be one.

Fran: Hold it right there. Give that [Sniffs] Southwest BBQ chicken on grilled sour dough with a side of shoestring fries back to the boy!

Fran: If you think that holding me tight is gonna get you out of this one, mister... you're just gonna have to move your hands a little lower.

The Facts Of Lice [4.18]

Niles: Who thought up this system of the haves and the have-nots anyway?
Fran: That would be the haves.

Fran: [To Niles] All this anger and bitterness is just a mask for low self-esteem. Where does all this come from?
Brighton: Hey, Niles, could you wash my underwear.

Fran: You're just spending less and less time with the kids and they need a masculine influence.
Yetta: I'll go. I don't have any estrogen.

Sylvia: I'm sorry I'm late picking up Yetta. I was at the gym.
Fran: When did you join a gym?
Sylvia: When they put in a muffin bar.
Fran: Ma, when they say do a 100 crunches, they don't mean Nestlé's.

Fran: You heard the doctor. We've all got lice. Take off your sheets and pillow cases. We gotta boil 'em.
Maggie: You want me to get yours?
Fran: No, mine has to be burned. I want that gorgeous Bill Blass comforter set.

Val: Most serial killers have three names: John Wayne Gacy, Richard Franklin Speck, Son of Sam.

[About Niles]
Fran: He wears the same thing every day. He's like Fred Flintstone... He hasn't been himself. He's acting very weird, strange. Haven't you noticed? There's not one toilet bowl in this entire house with blue water in it.

Mr. Sheffield: Darling, I've known the butler 30 years. We've had many gay times together, shared a fag or two between us and I can tell you, if there was anything queer about him, I'd know it.
Fran: So in other words, you had some fun, you smoked a few cigarettes and there's nothing strange about him.
Mr. Sheffield: Of course.
Fran: Just making sure.

Niles: Ms. Fine, I'm not a murderer. All I did was write a play. I was going to ask you to read it.
Fran: Oh, please! You expect me to believe that? I read the list! You explain "Secure alibi"!
Niles: That was the title.
Fran: Why did you call the morgue?
Niles: I was doing research.
Fran: What about the bananas?
Niles: I was making a pie.
Fran: Where is it?!
Niles: Your mother was here.

Fran's Roots [4.19]

Lila: You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice.
Fran: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that... I'd have a nickel.

Fran: A woman just called and told me that ma may not be my real mother.
Mr. Sheffield: So are we happy or sad?
Fran: We're thinking.

Wisdom From The Nanny

  • Be nicer to your sister. Some day, your father's gonna be old and sick. You're gonna want him to live with her.
  • It's dog-eat-dog when you've got a two-bedroom that's rent control.
  • [About smoking] It takes the idiots that start that filthy habit years to quit. I still haven't knocked off all the weight.
  • That's the one good thing about senility. You're always meeting new people.
  • A kite is like a really cute guy. You give him some slack, let him fly free. Then at the end of the day, you yank his string and reel him back in. And you hang him on a hook until you want to use him again.
  • [On girl cliques] You got the leader of the pack. She's the prettiest, the snobbiest and everybody wants to be her friend. Forget her. She don't need you. Find the low man on the totem pole and make your move. You see, no one ever listens to her so she'll be grateful and wide open for infiltration. Choose the three universal topics: boys, clothes, and Bobby Sherman.
  • You catch a lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Although what anybody would want with a whole bunch of flies...
  • A personal shopper is so impersonal, although not a bad career choice.
  • The secret to putting on blush is less is more, the exact opposite of hairspray.
  • [About sushi] Leave it to the Japanese to invent a restaurant where you don't have to cook. And we wonder why we're behind.
  • [About sharing outfits] That's what women do. Just one Chanel suit and it travels the globe.
  • Sometimes your parents sound like they're crazy but when you think about it.... they are.
  • Men can't be rushed. They're like chickens. You cook them too fast, they get tough. Whereas if you take your time, let them simmer then they fall apart in your hands.
  • Men and women should be treated equally! Except that men should still open the doors and pick up the checks.
  • Doctor's scales are always 6 1/2 pounds over.
  • Buffet tip: Always go past the rolls right to the lobster and shrimp.
  • Buffet tip: Salads are for suckers. Go directly to the shellfish.
  • [About how to get past gym class period] First, you gotta get dressed. Take your time. You're not a fireman. Now, you volunteer to take the equipment which is very heavy so you pull something. It could be a sideache, a charley horse, a hernia, depending on how much time you need. Twelve minutes. (God, I was good!) What are we down to? Twenty minutes? Just enough time to look for your contact...Do you know how much time it takes to find a contact that doesn't exist? Sixteen minutes! Which brings us down to a grand total of four minutes. It's a cinch!
  • [About facing your fears] Honey, go out there, hold your head up high, don't forget to breathe and above all, watch for your nails.
  • [About failing] It's better to have stunk than never to have stunk at all.
  • [About being bullied] Someday, you're gonna be a senior and you're gonna be bigger than all the other kids and you'll remember how you felt today. When you walk down that hallway, you'll see some puny 7th Grader and you'll give him a little shove.
  • [About being with the guys after doing something unpopular] Just remember that you're more mature than they are. You just walk in there and hold your head up high, look 'em square in the eye and say: "So's your mother".
  • [About getting physical] Don't do a thing if you ain't got that ring.
  • [For girl scout groups] The proper knot can save your life. You're in the woods, you look around. All of a sudden, you squish a bug right [on your neck]. Well, a proper slipknot not only can conceal those unwanted bug guts but it also creates a flattering neckline and gives an illusion of cleavage.
  • [Scoping for guys at the supermarket] Everything you need to know about a man, you can find right in his cart. If there's a box of Midol, keep moving. Corn pads means he lives with his mother. And if you see two guys with sweaters tied around their necks buying Pesto, save yourself the pain...Cabbage, chili, refined beans. One dinner with him and you spend the rest of your night blaming the dog.
  • [When a respectable teenager introduces himself to take your kid out] I'll bet you dollars for donuts that this kid's the decoy. We used to send in Bridget O'Malley in her parochial uniform to the door. Meanwhile, behind the wheel is sitting Debbie Cuttler burning her boyfriend's initials in her forearm.
  • My mother had three rules. Never make contact with a public toilet, never ever ever cross a picket line and... never wear musk oil to the zoo.
  • An adorable brother could be your ticket to popularity. Look at Shirley McClaine and Warren Beatty. Do you think that if he wasn't her brother, she would have a date in any life?
  • Sweetie, it's the 90s. Le geek, say chic. See, here's the progression: Pocket protector -> Software genius -> Compound in Malibu. [On the flip side], Star quarterback -> Pulled groin -> Beer gut -> "Can I check your oil, please?"
  • Listen to me. You'll be smart... Meanwhile, I'm a maid.
  • Turkey makes you tired. Why do you think they serve it in Thanksgiving? How else can you spend 8 hours with your entire family unless half of them pass out?
  • If they ever run out of starter flags at the Indy 500, all they gotta do is yell: "It's a female thing!" and watch those men take off.
  • [About dog poop] Is this the biggest gross-out in the world! And yet, you spread it over your garden and you get a tomato the size of your head.
  • Boys throw food to relieve sexual tension, unlike girls who just stuff their faces.
  • If you're not part of the solution, you're my mother.
  • Why do they show pictures with wedding announcements? Who cares what someone looks like if they're not available. Divorce announcements! That's when I want to see a picture.
  • [About parenthood] I admire women that do it on their own but at the end of the day, I want his daddy to come home so I can put the baby in his arms and say: "Here! Your turn! I'm playing mahjong."
  • Why don't you do something constructive with yourself? You should be thinking about a college, career, what retirement condo you're gonna buy for your nanny in Boca.
  • Honey, a convent might not be that bad. I got two words for you: "Sound of Music". I mean, in two hours, Maria managed to ditch the nuns, marry a gorgeous captain, sell the movie rights and never have to schlep up another mountain again.
  • [About ending a relationship with a mobster] You can't just break up with guys like this. You gotta move to Idaho, take a Nordic name and never see your family again for the rest of your life.... What do you think of Helga?
  • [When dealing with cranky people] When the going gets tough, the tough throw a party!
  • [About teen sex] Believe me, kids these days are "you know"-ing before you know it.
  • [About change] A little is good. It's like Michael Jackson's face. Shoulda stopped after Thriller.
  • [The mystery of a woman's age] Let's put it this way. When you're 20, I'll be 40. When you're 30, I'll be 40. And when you're 40, you'll understand why I'm still 40... You're only 14 once. 29, you can be 8-10 years.
  • I don't believe in superstitions myself, especially that one about catching the bridal bouquet. P.S. I don't need to buy potpourri until the year 2005.
  • [About paying extra care to the middle child] You saw the Godfather? You don't want another Fredo Corleone on your hands.
  • I once dated an older guy when I was in high school and it left me nothing but heartbreak. Especially when he failed me in math.
  • [How to get into an exclusive club with a fake card] I'm surprised she didn't dip in tea first to give it that aged look. Then you paste on one of those magnetic strips from the back of an old Blockbusters card before giving it that authentic look of laminating it.
  • [About why tattoos turn on guys] It's very erotic. It's the lure of the forbidden. It's like when we date a guy and suddenly we find out he drives a Sara Lee truck.
  • In this country, when a girl turns 17, she gets herself a car. Unless you come from my neighborhood, then it's a car or a nose job.
  • A warm loving family requires a legally binding certificate registered with the state and Pottery Barn.
  • I just think that it's important that parents spend time with their children. They should talk to them and take them shopping and visit them all the time and eat them out of house and home and nag them about not being married.

Niles vs. Babcock

[Walking in on C.C. giving Mr. Sheffield a massage]
Niles: I see you're working hard as always, Ms. Babcock.
C.C.: Theatre has always been a passion of mine.
Niles: I can't wait to see what you'll be mounting next.

C.C.: He wants these contracts in London by morning.
Niles: [Holding a broom] Well, here, hop on. With the time difference, you'll just make it.

C.C.: Maxwell, I adore children. It's a natural thing. A female thing.
Niles: I hear some females eat their young.

C.C.: It's an Adolfo.
Niles: As in Hitler?

C.C.: [Depressed] Aren't you going to say something obnoxious?
Niles: I wouldn't kick a dog when she's down.

C.C.: Don't look at me. I wanted to do "12 Angry Men".
Niles: But they didn't want to do you.

C.C.: I can't show up without an escort!
Niles: Why don't you just inflate one like you usually do?

C.C.: This is a dream come true. I feel like I have died and gone to Heaven.
Niles: I have that dream too but you go in the other direction.

C.C.: Actually, I'm more like part of the family.
Niles: Yes, we keep putting her out at night and she keeps finding her way back.

C.C.: I don't know why. I just love weddings.
Niles: Well, we all want what we can't have.

C.C.: Niles, we can't use this china. The pattern is hideous!
Niles: That's not the pattern. It's your reflection.

C.C.: [To Fran] I'm going to buy you a whole new set for the honeymoon. These bags are so old.
Niles: Takes one to know one.

C.C.: Well, I think it's very distasteful of Maxwell to be dating so soon. Isn't a decade the standard period of mourning?
Niles: Die. Let's find out.

C.C.: I don't want to risk offending [my psychiatrist]. We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
Niles: Oh, good! Maybe he'll find a personality we like.

C.C.: [About Yetta staying over] Turn her back down, Maxwell. We don't need some old crone running around the house.
Niles: Yes, we are crone-heavy, sir. Although with two, we'd have a set.

C.C.: Niles, move it with the food! These society women are vultures. Where's the pate?!!
Niles: Why don't you just lie down on the ground and let them pick at your liver?

C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit into it.

C.C.: I'd rather die young.
Niles: And we're all pulling for you.

C.C.: I will bet my reputation on it!
Niles: I'm sorry. There's a $5 minimum.

Niles: How's your pudding, Ms. Babcock?
C.C.: Delicious. Why?
Niles: Just as I thought. These expiration dates are meaningless.

C.C.: [Trying to talk about a child star, but with her mind still on alcohol] I love Johnnie Walker, I mean Jack Daniels, I mean Jack Walker.
Niles: Ever since Rob Roy and Tom Collins left her, they've all been a blur.

[About Niles knowing all the secrets of the house]
C.C.: That's because he listens at the door.
Niles: How else would I hear you scratching to get back in?

C.C.: Nanny Fine, I don't mean to be rude~
Niles: Since when?

C.C.: [To Maxwell] I have been your partner for ten years and we've never celebrated a damn thing.
Niles: [Smiles] Get it?

C.C.: I just heard the most delicious news.
Niles: Well, why don't you run, make a friend and tell them all about it?

C.C.: People will be walking out in the middle of her performance.
Niles: Sounds like one of your dates.

C.C.: Maxwell, Nanny Fine can't possibly pass for me. She isn't in my class. She doesn't have my breeding.
Niles: Well then, perhaps she won't lick herself in front of company.

C.C.: I can see myself lying on the beach for days.
Niles: I'm sure someone would tow you out to sea if your blow hole got clogged.

C.C.: I do my shopping late at night.
Niles: Makes sense. If a man's hungry enough, any old thing looks good.

C.C.: Maxwell and I are sharing a guest cottage right by the water.
Niles: How convenient, sir, should you want to drown yourself.

C.C.: Oooh, aren't these elephant tusks exquisite! They came from that cute little poacher in Kenya.
Niles: And here I thought you'd had your wisdom teeth pulled.

Niles: [Polishing a couch] I couldn't resist the infomercial. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off".
C.C.: [Tries to sit and slides off]
Niles: Voila!
C.C.: [Gets up] I have to get my dress from the cleaners anyway. [Attempts to leave and trips]
Niles: It's also an excellent floor polish.

C.C.: Maxwell, you are never going to believe what happened!
Niles: There was a message on your answering machine.

C.C.: [Seeing Niles with a chocolate cake] Ooh, Niles, what's the occasion?
Niles: [Sliding it over] It's for you. Congratulations on quitting smoking.
C.C.: Oh, Niles, you know, when you quit smoking, you have to be VERY careful not to gain weight.
Niles: [Enthusiastically, adding whipped cream] Oh, really?
C.C.: Last time I quit, I gained 25 pounds.
Niles: [Hearing the oven ring] Éclairs are ready.

C.C.: I was good at hunting. Mommy said I excelled at trapping.
Niles: [To Mr. Sheffield] Take good care of your teeth, sir. You may need to gnaw off a leg someday.

C.C.: Well, if Doug's coming tonight, I'd better go change.
Niles: And here I thought she had to wait for a full moon.

C.C.: Sorry, Doug. You'll have to excuse us. This isn't a typical evening.
Niles: Yes. You're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching Sisters.

C.C.: Maxwell, I am coming in and I have terrible news.
Niles: Isn't that redundant?

C.C: [To Maxwell] If you're not going to pay any attention to me, I might as well go home.
Niles: [Opens door and whistles] TAXI!

C.C.: What are you looking so smug about?
Niles: Oh, just an incident in Ms. Fine's room last night.
C.C.: With her and Kurt?
Niles: No, with her and another man.
C.C.: Oh, I love it! Tell me! Tell me!
Niles: Oh no, I couldn't possibly. I promised I wouldn't say a word. [Writes on a notepad] Read this.
C.C.: [Smiles until she reads that the "incident" involved Mr. Sheffield] WHY?!! [Slams her head on the table] I wanna die...
Niles: There, there. [Slips a kitchen knife into her handbag] Don't do anything rash.

C.C.: I have to move out of my apartment to get the floors redone and I cannot find a kennel.
Niles: Treat yourself to a hotel.

C.C.: [Chester] knows how to do tricks. He can lie down, roll over and beg.
Niles: Gee, I wonder where he learned that.

C.C.: Oh, c'mon, Niles, tell me or I'll just die!
Niles: You say it but you don't mean it.

C.C.: Do we really know how old [Fran] is under all that makeup? She could be~
Niles: Your age.
C.C.: That's right. She could be close to for-GET it, Niles!

C.C.: Kissing is an art. It has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, it has to be spontaneous. [Tries to kiss Maxwell and locks lips with Niles instead]
Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me? [Gargles]

C.C.: My mental health is just a sick game to you, isn't it?
Niles: Rack 'em up. Let's play again.

C.C.: Tell me what Maxwell's getting me for my birthday. I'll give you fifty bucks.
Niles: No! But if you tell me your age, I'll tell you.
C.C.: All right. [Reaches into her wallet] Seventy-five.
Niles: There. That wasn't so hard, now, was it?

Niles: Oh, what are you doing here? The sun is up.
C.C.: Niles, just give it a rest. Today is my birthday. You're not going to get my goat.
Niles: Why? Did you two get engaged?

C.C.: [About her breakfast] Niles, my eggs are all dried up.
Niles: The gene pool is saved.

[C.C. is waiting for Max to come back for a romantic evening in his office. The door opens and Niles walks in as C.C. doesn't turn around]
C.C.: Maxwell darling, is that you?
Niles: [Dims the lights and whispers] Shhh... Don't turn around. [Blows on C.C.'s neck]
C.C.: I'm yours. Tell me what you want me to do.
Niles: [Thinks hard, then whispers] Cluck like a chicken.
C.C.: [Confused] What?
Niles: [Whispering] It turns me on.
C.C.: [Starts clucking. Niles smiles and when C.C. turns around to see Niles...] AAH!
Niles: [Acting innocent] Mr. Sheffield's been delayed. Did you think I was him?
C.C.: If you tell anyone about this...
Niles: Oh, I'd never do that. We need the eggs.

C.C.: You know, Niles, I don't make it a habit of drinking with the help.
Niles: I've never been any help to you.
C.C.: Exactly. [They toast each other, and knock glasses together] So tell me, Rochester...what did you do to kill a day before I came along?
Niles: Well, truth be told, my life was a little empty. [With an evil look] But now I have a hobby.

C.C.: It's so wonderful to see Noel again. He was so much fun. Every summer, he'd take me to the horse show...
Niles: Did you ever win?

C.C.: [Seeing Fran's date, lamenting] He's gorgeous.
Niles: Cheer up. Perhaps he brought a friend for you. [Whistles for a dog]

C.C.: The curator and I were in the same sorority.
Niles: Delta Felta Guy?

C.C.: [When Fran moves out for a while] The tramp! She probably woke up at some gigolo's apartment.
Niles: What luck. She can probably return your toiletries.

C.C.: Maxwell, I want a man.
Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled his ear.

C.C.: Listen to this. Liz Smith: "Broadway producer Maxwell Sheffield has hired the young vivacious Sydney Mercer to promote him." Promote, my ass!
Niles: All right, but we'll need a two-page spread.

C.C.: Maxwell, I cannot tell you how excited I am about our little weekend getaway in Boston.
Niles: Don't worry, sir. You'll be right near Salem. They know how to take care of her kind there.

C.C.: Niles, would you keep an eye on my bags?
Niles: All right. [Starts watching her face closely]

C.C.: I find I catch more flies with honey.
Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out.

C.C.: Listen, Hazel, don't you have something to dust off?
Niles: How about the left side of your bed?

C.C.: I've never been so insulted in my life!
Niles: You've never been insulted? Well, now I'm insulted.

C.C.: I'll never get to the airport in an hour!
Niles: That's true, sir. She needs at least two people on her broom to use the express lane

C.C.: [For Christmas] this year, I'm getting as far away from this place as possible.
Niles: Oh, Santa got my letter!

C.C.: Where do you stash your cash?
Niles: Somewhere you'll never get near.
C.C.: Oh. Your mattress.
Niles: No, [Points to Mr. Sheffield] his.

Niles: [Sniffing while cleaning the table] Whoo! This old dishrag has seen better days. [Enter C.C.] Were your ears burning?
C.C.: Lookie, Diamond Jim. I brought you some travel brochures. Don't worry. They're free. [Mockingly] Let's see, wind surfing at St. Parks. Uh-oh. a $25 equipment fee. You know, if you flip one really fast, it's like you're there.
Niles: Is that how you make your dates move? As it happens, I've made travel plans.
C.C.: Oh? Which island did you decide on? Staten or Coney?
Niles: Actually, I can afford to make a lovely trip. I sold a pair of gaudy gold cuff links Mr. Sheffield gave me. One treble clef, one bass clef.
C.C.: I gave Maxwell those cuff links for his birthday.
Niles: Oh... Then thanks for the trip.

[Asking how Fran gets away with things]
C.C.: How does she do that to him?
Niles: It's a female thing. You wouldn't understand.

C.C.: You should hear what the man behind me said.
Niles: "Are you Dolph Lundgren?"

C.C.: My mother left when I was born.
Niles: She wanted a girl.

C.C.: I perform a very important function around here.
Niles: That's true, sir. That couch would be floating all over the room without her to hold it down.

C.C.: Good luck with your new show. I smell a Tony.
Niles: Well then, you should have showered after he left.

C.C.: They finally evicted that old lady in the apartment next to mine. We started breaking through the bedroom wall this morning.
Niles: A bigger bedroom? Aren't we being a glutton for punishment.
C.C.: Don't you have something to wax?
Niles: I put that question to you.

C.C.: What's it going to cost me to make you disappear?
Niles: Try 50 bucks.
C.C.: Done. [Hands it over]
Niles: [Pockets it and waits for a while] Nope, didn't work, still here!

C.C.: Fortunately, the Babcock women age gracefully.
Niles: Well, you've always been a rebel.

[Waking up to greet Mr. Sheffield and Fran, not realizing she has a mustache and goatee painted on her face by Niles]
C.C.: I wasn't waiting to see what time you two would come back. I was just stopping by...erm... after...
Niles: The theater.
C.C.: YES! To
Niles: Victor/Victoria.

C.C.: Maxwell, what would you say if I waltzed out of here for a date at 5 o'clock?
Niles: I'd say: "See you at 5.30".
C.C.: You know, you've got a pretty big yap for someone whose last date involved standing on a roof watching Sputnik go by.

C.C.: Poor Nanny Fine. I can't imagine what it feels like to be despised by so many people.
Niles: Oh, c'mon, don't be so modest.

[When Fran is hated by all of New York and C.C. enters all messed up]
C.C.: Maxwell, you have got to get rid of that woman. There are maniacs outside throwing eggs at me.
Niles: [Enters with some eggs. He gets a look from Mr. Sheffield] What? Everyone else was doing it.

C.C.: [Talking about cryogenic suspension] I'm planning the ultimate revival: Me!
Niles: Nobody wanted to see the original. Who'd want to bring it back?

C.C.: You two are not going to believe this! I got a message on my answering machine~
Niles: Oh my God, crack the champagne. I am so happy for you, dear.

C.C.: Philippe and Nanny Fine are perfect for one another. You know how the French love a fine wine. Now he can listen to one 24 hours a day.
Niles: No sour grapes. You could have foreign men worship you too. Go to India. You'd be sacred.

C.C.: When I was confirmed, we had a very simple ceremony.
Niles: Lit a few candles and danced around the dead cat?

C.C.: Hello, Niles. Now I knew you were a high roller. Those bermuda shorts you wore to the pool were a huge gamble.
Niles: This from a woman whose flip-flops could transport refugees from Cuba. [Rolls a dice and wins] Looks like my luck is changing. [Signals her to leave. She does and he loses]
C.C.: [Returns with a drink] C'mon, you've two chips left. Go for it! Papa needs a pair of new oven mitts! [Laughs]
Niles: [Notices he now keeps winning] Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

C.C.: Niles, do you have food for the dog?
Niles: Certainly. What are you hungry for?

C.C.: Oh, Maxwell, what an ordeal this flight was! I can't imagine anything more terrifying.
Niles: [Holds up a mirror] Booga booga booga.

C.C.: I just could not get out of bed this morning.
Niles: Someone leave a big rock on your coffin again?

'[When Fran says to C.C. she needs a woman to talk to]
C.C.: Aren't you going to say anything?
Niles: What? You mean because she said that, you thought I was going to say something about you not being a woman? That is beneath me, sir.

C.C.: The world was a different place when I was a girl.
Niles: Yes, they thought it was flat.

C.C.: Maxwell, I am sorry I'm late. I had to pack a bag. They're fumigating my apartment.
Niles: They've tried that before. You always come back.
C.C.: ANYWAY, it's very difficult to find a hotel that will accept dogs.
Niles: Did you promise you wouldn't hump the bellboy's leg?

C.C.: In my day, two people got to know each other first.
Niles: In your day, there only were two people.

C.C.: I can count the days I spent with my father on one hand.
Niles: Seven?

C.C.: [Comes in with a dog under her arm] What is this?!
Niles: An annoying, yapping dog... holding a chihuahua.

C.C.: Maxwell will go insane if he has to see "The Hunchback" one more time.
Niles: Then why don't you quit?

C.C.: [Overhearing Niles' mentioning Fran having a tattoo] She does?
Niles: [As C.C. enters] Such keen hearing. And look, she brought a newspaper. Good girl. [Pets her on the head]
C.C.: Niles, don't you think it's time you come up with fresh material? Something I haven't heard?
Niles: How about "Can you stay the night?"

C.C.: I wish I could get away for the holidays but I have so much work to do.
Niles: [Pouring her a drink] Cheers! Gotta keep that nose so bright. Don't you guide his sleigh that night?

Niles: Don't you know it's terribly impolite to listen in on other people's conversation?
C.C.: This from a man who posed for the RCA dog.

C.C.: [When learning she had an online relationship with Brighton] I'm so embarrassed. The things I said, the things he... You know, he's got quite a vocabulary for a 15-year-old.
Niles: Cheer up. You should be happy someone's still interested in those old floppy disks.

Niles: Oooh, look at you. You look very 60's.
C.C.: It's a Dolce and Gabbana.
Niles: I was talking about your face. By the way, this came for you. [Passes him an envelope]
C.C.: What are all those big creases in it?
Niles: It was stuffed in the mailbox.
C.C.: I was talking about your neck.

C.C.: You're actually almost charming when you're not being a mean miserable old man.
Niles: Funny. I was going to say the same about you.

C.C.: I'm dating myself.
Niles: Dating yourself? That's pathetic. Even you can do better than you.
C.C.: This from a man who parties with Pam, as in a can of.

C.C.: She thinks you're a killer. She even thought you were going to try and kill me.
Niles: I wouldn't dream of touching you, like any other normal man.

C.C.: I have a friend in CBS who wants to buy our show and turn it into a TV series!
Niles: Whoa! Back up. You have a friend?

C.C.: You know, Niles, when I was away at the [shudders.] It was really scary because when I was all doped up I kept hearing these voices - "Maxwell loves Fran", "You're alone and old" -
Niles: "You have to wear a straight jacket to feel a man's arms around you."
C.C.: That was you?! [smiles] You did come and visit me, you old softie.

C.C.: I have been buzzing for over an hour, what do I have to do to get some milk for my coffee?
Niles: Hover over a bucket!

Fran's Wonderful Family

  • Well, I got a sister who's a caterer. She does a porco de pruneaux, that's French for pork and prunes. Not only delicious but a natural digestive. She has to work every single holiday. Thank God we fast on Yom Kippur or we'd never see her.
  • On my father's side, they all have webbed toes, but excellent swimmers.
  • My cousin Irving [the plumber] is a legend. Before he set up shop, they didn't call it Flushing.
  • All Aunt Rosalyn ever wanted to do was to be a Rockette. She made the height requirement. It was the width that was the problem.
  • Aunt Paula went in for bursitis but she developed a bedsore that turned into phlebitis that caused a massive stroke. If they ever settled her case, she'd be the richest vegetable in Bayside.
  • We have never had a Duke in the family before. Well, we did once but we had to put him to sleep.
  • My Aunt Miriam had more chins than the Chinese phonebook.
  • (About hammertoe) It's a cruel, crippling disease caused by shoving your feet into high heels that are too small. And if you don't think that sounds painful, just ask my uncle Harvey.
  • My grandpa always said: "You must look your best. " He insisted on being buried in a tuxedo. Unfortunately, it was a rental which could be the reason for my family's horrible credit rating.
  • My parents were once on "Let's Make A Deal". 900 people knew it was Door Number 1. They had to pick the box. P.S. Carol Merrill on a tricycle.
  • (My mother's) nails could open anything: letters, diaries, my old boyfriend's Chevy. I never had any privacy as a child.
  • My Aunt Polly used to take her son Sheldon in the tub with her until he was six. P.S. They both ended up on a very special Geraldo.
  • My bubby Yetta doesn't like to waste anything. If food's moldy, it's a vaccine.
  • We don't go young in my family. We Fines like to linger and be a burden to others for as long as possible.
  • Clairvoyance runs in my family. I got an Aunt Paula that predicted Hurricane Andrew. For the first time in history, there wasn't a single Jew on Miami Beach.
  • My Aunt Selma lives in Philly. She's the one with the miracle ear. When you look way inside, you can see the Virgin Mary. She can't even get her ears pierced because they keep healing.
  • My Aunt Frida uses two [toothpicks ] like chopsticks. She looks like a very heavily made-up praying mantis.
  • We're union workers from way back. My Aunt Tessie was "or blouse". You know, from the commercial: "Look for the Union label when you are buying a coat, dress or blouse".
  • My cousin Ira is [Cher]'s biggest fan. He does an impersonation of her in a drop-dead gorgeous Bob Mackey gown... He's the best female impersonator to come out of Queens, no pun intended.
  • [Beheading] happened in my family too. It was a bad combination of carsickness and an electric sun roof.
  • You can never be too careful. My cousin Ray, 35, worked out every day. No salt, no sugar, walks out of a health food store, BAM! Was hit by a wheat germ truck.
  • We put Uncle Louie in a gorgeous urn. [Until] my mother took a couple of Dexatrim one day and got into a real cleaning jag. P.S. Uncle Louie's spending eternity in a Dirt Devil.
  • [My mother] had a thumb growing off the side of her foot. She can't even fit into her socks anymore. She had to wear a mitten.
  • My uncle Manny put his dog into a kennel and he was never the same again... He put his German Shepherd King in a cage with male poodles. P.S. All hopes of breeding him were over
  • When my mother had her hysterectomy, she was convinced that the operation was on 60 Minutes. Why Mike Wallace would devote a whole segment to her uterus, she never questioned.
  • My cousin Eileen ground her teeth down to the gums. She doesn't smile much anymore but my cousin Bob has never been happier.
  • They scrambled the Spice Channel at Yetta's retirement home. Two freak pregnancies.
  • You know ma's mole, the one that kept changing colors? Doctor called it a mood mole.
  • [About shrinking with age] I had a great-aunt that would come in through the doggie-door.
  • My ma took a doggie tranquilizer once. She thought it was a Dexatrim... She ate out of a large bowl, licked herself... Basically, nothing happened.
  • My father had hearing problems and ma dragged him to the doctor. He had a whole irrigation thing going on. They found enough wax in there for Madame Tussaud to make herself a nice little Linda Hunt.

Notes and references

  1. The Nanny trivia. IMDb. Retrieved on 2007-06-16.